Original subtitles

Entertainment Five Minutes Ago.

The entertainment program so now, if you're watching it,

you're already living in the past...

Hey, that's me!

Tonight, on Entertainment Five Minutes ago,

we ask the question...

Whatever happened to Johnny Bravo?

What kind of question is that?

I'm right here man. Living the dream.

From wannabe stud...

Man, I love me.

To wannabe socialite...

Wannabe?

Why do they keep saying wannabe?

To wannabe TV host...

It's wasabi!

The writers are trying to say I'm "hot" in Japanese!

Learn to read, man!

And, tonight, we answer... who cares?

Because we've got an exclusive with Bobby Goodlookinson,

star of "Sparkle Vampire in Love."

Jeeves!

Jeeves, where's my deep fried peanut butter

and banana sandwich pizza burger

and my deep fried milkshake to wash it down?

Did you see that?

They bumped my spot for some freak with an overbite!

What are they trying to say?

That all chicks dig is skinny dudes with feelings!

I know it's not your fault that my superstardom somehow got

sucked into a black hole.

What's up with Hollywood nowadays?

When did buff and pretty give way to whiny and pasty?

Where are all the parts for the awesome dudes of the world?

Man, I even made that...

that thing...

The Audition Tape that I posted on the Internet and can't erase!

It's alright little buddy.

I gotcha. You don't have to watch that thing again.

And again. And again.

After all the hotness I've brought to the world,

you'd think the world would wanna give something back...

It's official: Hollywood is dead.

Long live Bollywood.

The Indian film industry is where it's at.

A place where stars are worshipped like gods

and the women are so gorgeous

they make Hollywood actresses look like something

that a booger with a hair in it would puke up.

Bollywood, huh.

Aw man!

That's got Bravo written all over it!

Cause, y'know, they both begin with the letter

"Buh!"

Jeeves! Pack your things!

We're gonna go make us some Indian movies!

...in Indiana!

The Indians are gonna love me.

You rang?

I mean... you rang?

What's this?

A letter from Johnny?

Johnny wrote a whole letter?

Using the alphabet?

Dear Mama, if you are reading this,

it means that I am dead...

Oh, Johnny Johnny... Noooo...?

...dead keen on becoming the biggest star in Bollywood, Indiana.

Love Johnny.

Wait... Did he say Indiana?

I told Jeeves a direct flight to Indiana

72 hours... 5 stopovers. Four different countries?

Oh well. I guess coach class beats...

air class.

My new body is quite the excellent treat.

Such gracefulness.

I am like the space-tiger.

Hello, flying lizard.

Prepare for me to insert my tail

in your ear and make you my life pet.

Oh, mama... this guy's the worst actor since...

since the guy from the real movie.

You are mistaken. That is Jiggy.

He is Bollywood's biggest star.

That guy?

That's my competition?

This fame thing just got way too easy!

Jiggy... Jiggy..Jiggy...

Johnny Bin the house! Who loves me?

And I want answers Indiana!

Tough crowd.

Aight, lemmee see, cows, Indians...

Not so many cowboys.

"No wannabe superstars. Approach at you own peril ."

Jeeves. You go first and be my peril.

Good afternoon, sir.

Welcome to Bollywood Studios. Please enter.

Good afternoon, sir.

Welcome to Bollywood Studios. Now please get out...

Sorry, no time to lose, pops.

I've got a date with Destiny.

And if I play my cards right, maybe her younger, cuter sister.

You don't understand, you're old.

Sir, you cannot come charging in here like a bull at a gate.

Oh yeah? Who's gonna stop me?

The bull at the gate.

Yowsa!

Jiggy again? This cat's beginning to dog me.

Now shooting: Bindiana Jaihones

and the Lost Crystal Head-Bone of the Doomed Golden Monkey Temple.

Indiana's biggest star my foot...

Lookit that guy's hair!

You call that a coiff?

Hello, suddenly lame yet inconsequential peasant,

it is I,

Jiggy, Bollywood's biggest star.

Please accept these coins as compensation

for the possible permanent loss of your tootsies.

Ouchy.

Again.

Get a real job!

Good morning, Mr Jiggy.

You are looking particularly star-like and handsome today.

Jiggy! Jiggy! It's me, Pinky.

And me, Shinky!

Remember us? We're your number one fans.

Remember?

How could I forget?

When I come to work, you're here.

When I leave, you're there.

When I'm on the red carpet,

who should I see...?

Us?

Now, for the umpteenth time.

I'm a self indulgent mega millionare

who just wants to be loved

and adored from afar.

Very afar!

He remembers us!

Get areal job, huh?

Well... Looks like I gotta do what any

good looking actor with no connections needs to do

get a job as a waiter and get discovered

by someone with an eye for super-hotness.

You look confused.

No, you're mistaking confused for goofy.

Look, little ladies,

I'm just trying to figure out a way to get a job

as a waiter so I can be discovered as a Bollywood hunk.

You mean a tiffin-wallah...

Watch your tongue, missy!

Do you talk to your mama with that mouth?

No. She said tiffin-wallah.

A tiffa-wuh...? who's in a watna?

Tiffin-wallah!

Tiiiif... iiiiin...

Tiffin-wallah!!

Hey, man, less holler, or no wallah.

Let's see now...

Give me a rogan josh on roti, hold the raita.

And make it snappy. Time is money.

We're losing light here.

Hot dog!

That's gotta be a gen-u-ine Bollywood Director and Producer.

All I've got to do is get them to see my fabulous face and pow!

Instant stardom.

Sit a spell, fellow tiddly-widdly.

I've got this one.

Hit me.

Look out.

Hot stuff coming through.

Namely, me!

Beautiful!

Why thank you.

Spicy!

I am hot, aren't I?

A little chewy!

Chewy?

On, look there's Jiggy!

That show pony's gonna steal my show.

Time to use my head.

Hey! Stop eating and feast your eyes on this.

My eyes!

I'm blind.

Bliiiiind!

Hold on now.

What you need is some o' that Lassie milk.

Come on Mama Dog, give it up.

Give it up for Johnny.

No not the face!

Disgraceful!

Tend to Jiggy's table.

I will clean up your mess.

Lemmee guess.

By the look of you,

you want something tired and boring, hold the talent.

Actually, I'd like to see the specials.

Because I can't see anything special in front of me.

No, forget that, I'll have the soup of the day.

Nice and hot, and that's I thanks.

You asked for it, you got it.

This'll fix his little red wagon...

I tell you, Ahmet,

I keep getting this strange feeling someone wants to do me harm.

Nonsense. Who would ever wish harm on such a handsome being?

Soup's up. Eat it while its..

Little heavy on the spices.

She's gonna blow...

I guess a tip is out of the question? Huh?

Ahmet you thought I was kiddin,

you thought I was wrong.

I don't to die early.

What I need is a song.

Sometimes I think Jiggy doesn't treat us with respect.

Sometimes I think Jiggy doesn't even like us.

Sometimes I wonder if my smile is prettier than my hair.

Do you ever think about anything besides you?

Nope. My smile and my hair are equally pretty.

You really want to be a Bollywood hunk

and knock Jiggy off his pedestal?

You bet your bindis I do.

Here's the deal.

We give you the secret to Jiggy's star power...

...and help you achieve Bollywood megastardom.

In return, you will make me your agent and Shinky your manager.

They do say that two heads are better than one.

In this case, that makes one, two,

more than two.

So what do you say?

Little ladies,

you got yourselves a deal.

So what's the big secret?

That!

I know what you're thinking.

"How can I be like Jiggy and live a life of fame,

fortune and have the women of my dreams?"

It's like he's reading my mind.

Well, you can't.

There is only one Jiggy.

But you can almost feel like you can.

With this: Jiggy's Jiggalicious Hair Gel 2.0.

If there's women to be had,

then I has to had them!

No, Johnny! That hair gel is a ruse.

A rip-off.

So when you say rip-off, is that a good thing?

Cause it sounds like a good thing.

Forget that hair-gel.

It has lost all its power.

Jiggy recycles his own used hair-gel

that he uses so much of the original gunk he buys

to gain power over his fan.

You mean, he resells his used hair-gel?

So if you want to be adored like Jiggy,

you've got to get the fresh stuff.

From the secret source.

Waitasec, if it's so secret how come you two know about it?

Because we weren't just Jiggy's number one fans...

We're also his number one stalkers...

followers!

Give me the stuff, man.

I need it. I'll pay anything...

Very well, But first,

do that dance I like...

Dance!

What have I become?

What! Who's there?

He's see's us... run...

Creepy. And that's just you two.

I think we need to take you to...

...the Voodoo Guru!

Man, you need to man up.

Or... monkey up. Or just up it, man.

What the...?

Ok, who's gonna knock?

Why? You scaaaaaaaared, Johnny?

Only of how talented I am. Now step aside...

Enter... Johnny Bravo.

He knows your name.

That's right. Represent...

Like what you've done to the place.

Must be a real magnet for the ladies...

the Craaaaazy ladies.

I see all, Johnny Bravo.

I see that you are...

Impatient and rude.

Can we just cut to the chase?

Do you have a secret magical hair gel

that will give me extra-hotness powers or not?

I do. But first I must show you the process by which it is made...

Ok, Guru Boy, just make it quick.

The women of Bollywood have waited long enough.

I start with the sweat extracted

from the users of infomercial weight-loss machines.

Then I add the tears of a teenage girl

who's woken up with a zit on the night of her prom.

And, finally,

I infuse it with the stolen sighs of lovelorn celebrity worshippers

of teen-dreamboat Bobby Goodlookinson in "Sparkle Vampire in Love."

Darling, let's not get all hot and kissy.

Let's stay up all night talking about feelings.

I love loving you, my lovely love...

Somebody needs get that guy some spray tan.

And, behold - the very distillation of heartbreak and desperation

mixed with pure self-loathing and vanity.

Now with jojoba...

I'll take it.

Very well. But I must warn you...

Can I just get the stuff?

I don't wanna pretend like I'm listening anymore.

So be it. And on your own head...

Hair gel only on the head - got it.

How much do I owe you?

Oh, sir, the first one is for free.

But the rest will cost you... your very soul.

Really? It's free?

Except for the part about your soul.

So, then it's like a trade.

Where I don't have to pay you any money?

Basically. If you don't put any monetary value on your soul,

then sure. You can call it a trade.

I'm a sucker for a bargain.

Man, that's some magic hair.

This is too much cool to waste on some old wizard dude...

What do you think?

Super-fly or super-cool? You decide!

It's okay, I guess.

Love what you've done with your hair.

Listen, I could stand around all day and look fantastic

but I've got to move around and look fantastic.

But I will give you the honor of watching me walk away.

All this love for Johnny and not one hot chick in the crowd?

I want my money back.

But you got it for free.

Then I want my nuthin' back!

Sorry, no refunds or exchanges.

Then what am I supposed to do?

Oh, I don't know,

you could always... double the dose.

Thanks, giant head. You make a lotta sense.

Even if you are freaky.

Man, my hair's so amazing

I wanna die and come back as my own cootie.

Picture it: Jiggy is an Indian robot from the future

who travels back in time and falls in love with a motorcycle.

He is... the Turbanator...

I am liking it.

I am liking..

What on the planet is going on?

John-ny... John-ny... John-ny...

His hair... it's radiating awesomeness.

It's even more cool than Jiggy's.

It's true... it's... beautiful.

Excuse me, exquisite creature blessed with dazzling follicles.

Sorry, man, I don't speak creepazoid.

What my associate is trying to say is that...

we have an offer you can't refuse.

Come with us and you can be worshipped

by hundreds of millions of hotties.

Live in a palace of a thousand rooms.

Dine on the most luxurious...

You had me at "worshipped by hundreds of millions of hotties."

He stepped on my head.

I'm sure he'll come back. No biggy.

Yeah, he's probably just telling them

where they can take a flying leap.

This is it, Johnny...

Welcome to Bollywood...

Security must be pretty lax round these parts.

Seeing as how I was able to smuggle two guns in here...

Ahmet, who is this prancing pony huh?

Relax, Jiggy.

He's just some nobody we pulled off the street...

to be your co-star.

What? No!

I only work with actors who are far uglier than me.

It's in the contract.

Jiggy, he is but mere eye-candy.

And what does eye candy do?

It... stickies up the eyeballs

and attracts ants to bite the sticky eyeballs

and then the people who looked at the eye-candy cry

and can no longer see the eye-candy?

Precisely.

Ahmet, you are surely the smarty in the pants.

Jiggy tums back.

Alright, let's go for a rehearsal back up.

You do not call for rehearsal!

Only I call for rehearsal!

Alright, let's go for a rehearsal!

Hello, handsome.

Please, my friends call me "Johnny."

But you can call me "Handsome."

Nope. But I can read subtitles.

So try not to speak too fast.

You're very intriguing, Mr. Bravo.

Heeey. So you speak Johnny, too?

Oh... I love a lady with talented lips.

So how much do you really know about Bollywood, Johnny?

Why? Are you looking to give me a private lesson?

A lesson?

But, why do it in private when we can do it in public?

Bollywood style.

Can you sing that part about the free food again?

I'm starving.

Well, that makes three of us.

Make that four of us.

Take five.

No no no no no... You do not call the breaks!

Only I call for the breaks!

You handsome devil of a man, you...

Take five!

We need to talk, mister.

Talk to my agent.

I am your agent.

Then talk to my manager.

I'm your manager.

Remind me why I need you again?

Because you need protection.

And friends.

People who can keep your feet on the ground.

Because you're about to go big time.

You're about to surround yourself with sharks and weasels.

You don't know me.

Take it as compliment...

But most of all...

Because we had a deal, Johnny.

We give you the secret to Jiggy's starpower,

you give us fifty percent of your earnings.

Well, you did introduce me to the stuff.

But gimme a better offer.

How about forty?

Ten.

Forty.

Ten.

Ten.

Forty.

Ten.

Forty.

Forty it is.

Deal!

Now get out there and break a leg.

Gotcha!

No, Johnny, that's just an expression...

Sorry, man, I thought it was some kinda weird Indiana custom.

That's showbusiness.

"Fatally Lethal Death Kill." Scene three thousand. Take one.

And... action...

This is your last chance, Detective Deathkill.

The DA is irritating my buttocks and I need results.

So you are now to be getting a new partner. Pronto.

A partner?

No way, Sanjay.

This maverick cop with attitude works alone.

You look like you just saw a hot, hunky ghost.

Deathkill, meet your new partner.

Studley Coolrookie.

Studley by name, studly by nature.

Dude-brother, you wouldn't know "studley�

if it came right up to your face and didn't kiss you...

You, uh, said "didn't kiss", right?

I can't work with this amateur. Pack up ya'll...

Cut!

JIGGY! WAIT..

Jiggy, what's the problem?

Him! I demand that he be removed from the set.

What's the matter, Jiggly?

Not enough kissing for you?

Or was that non-kissing?

Removed!

Look, Jiggy, the kids stays in the picture.

Johnny, baby, are you ok?

Did the big bad megastar upset you?

I can see what's happening here.

That numbskull idiot is somehow charming everyone.

Well, it's time for everyone to get Jiggy.

You must be swift.

Two of our agents have already failed.

Fear not, brother.

I shall strike Jiggy in a pressure point

right here in the side of the neck with my scorpion strike.

Like this...

Really? I would've gone for something a little deadlier.

A gun or something. Maybe a bomb.

Well, you are not my mother.

I'm just saying...

Anyway, enough about me.

Let's talk about myself and I...

Nobody disses Johnny Bravo's hair and gets away with it!

Nobody.

Gasp! Everyone stand back.

It's a hair-off!

Bling bling!

Cha-ching!

Indiaaaaaaa! Take it.

USA! USA! USA!

USA! USA! USA!

Strike now, while Jiggy is distracted.

I will. But only because I want to,

not because you told me to.

Sorry man. Sometimes beauty's a beast.

Don't take it too bad.

The better man won.

Not to mention the cuter,

the cooler, the most...

I want a rematch!

No! Our client won the hair-off...

...fair-hair and square.

This is Robber Ducky to Thug Bear.

Come in, Thug Bear.

The poodle has pooped on the rug...

Repeat... The poodle has pooped...

Enough!

So once again,

my minions have failed me.

It is that clumsy American ox, Great Leader.

He is charging all the place in an effort to upstage Jiggy.

Then we must make sure Jiggy

is removed from the stage so his charging will stop.

But then... What of Johnny Bravo?

Leave Johnny Bravo to me.

Sorry... hair ball.

Look, it's either me or it's him.

He is the one.

But you said I was the one.

A verbal contract is not worth the paper it is written on.

But I have it on paper.

In triplicate no less.

Come on!

Jiggy is in that movie!

We shot for six days already, six.

It's almost finished.

We're writing you out.

Who's writing me out?

Over there!

The hottest writer in Bollywood is hard at work.

Interior. Monkey Temple. Day.

Bindiana Jaihones reaches

for the Lost Crystal Head-Bone of the Doomed Golden Monkey temple

when he's bitten in the face by a guard monkey and pass's away.

Suddenly, the ceiling explodes - Bindiana's younger,

hotter brother descends like a god!

New Bindiana Jaihones:

"You terminated my no-talent brother, Demon Monkey!

Now it is personal!"

Perfect!

Wait! I've got something I've been working on.

About a sensitive rat who dreams of working in one

of the great restaurants of Europe.

Who wants to see a filthy rat put its dirty paws on human food?

It'll never sell!

I don't want your pity!

Writers have dignity.

Ooh, free food...

Here are the new pages, Johnny.

Awesomeness...

This is terrible.

I think we need a new reader.

Vile.

Brilliant! I laughed out loud.

It's not a comedy.

Here we are!

Smells like rabies.

Why are we here?

Our client should be on a proper Bollywood sound stage

where the only thing he'll catch is super stardom.

Client, huh?

Yeah, I see ugly monkeys

and ugly crew but no super hotties

ready to worship at Johnny's feet.

Unless the hotties are inside...

Sure, yeah, they're inside.

Wouldn't it have been easier to just build a set?

Sets cost money.

It's much cheaper to destroy a real monkey palace.

Sorry, closed set.

But Johnny's our client.

Oh, I see, then you've got a contract to prove that?

Our deal with Johnny was sealed with a handshake.

How can two innocent sweet little girls

with no business experience be so naive?

Now get out of here!

Not you. I like your face.

Ever thought of acting?

You don't have an agent, do you?

Ever heard of the word "perpetuity."

No? Good! Sounds made up, right?

Now people we've got 28 pages

of script to get through and 40 minutes

to do it but just because we've got plenty of time

I don't want anyone slacking off right okay...

Action!

But no-one's told Johnny what to do.

What's this scene about?

What's the name of this movie?

You would be fired now

for asking so many irrelevant questions if you were not so god-like.

And now we are behind schedule.

Motivation. Logic. Originality.

Alright... on schedule again.

Bindiana Jaihones and the Lost Crystal Head Bone

of the Doomed Golden Monkey Temple, take one.

Action!

We must hurry!

If we do not retrieve the Lost Crystal Head Bone

of the Doomed Golden Monkey Temple

the world will explode!

Yes, great hero Bindiana Jaihones.

Monkey warriors!

I hate those guys jealously guarding their treasure!

Why have you paused, Bindi?

Because I am admiring the smoothness

of my jaw and the closest shave ever

that you can now get from Jiggy's Shaving Gel.

So smooth and manly!

Cut! Alright,

bring in the double, and action!

Look out, Bindiana Jaihones!

My talentless, uglier brother!

Take it out! N-o-o-o...

Whatever you do, baby cakes,

don't look at the awesomeness.

Alright, sugar, you can open those peepers.

Yeah, Chief?

Bindiana!

We have reliable intel that Archduke Ferdinand

of Austria is about to be assassinated!

Sorry, Chief, I'm losing you.

But Bindiana if the Archduke is assassinated it could plunge

the whole world into a war...

So what do you wanna do now?

What's up with the audience?

You'd think I just mocked their smarts and culture or something.

What are you kidding about, kidder?

They love it!

They're trashing the place.

It's a riot.

And thank goodness!

Nothing says box office more than a box office burnt to the ground.

The cards are in!

What do they say?

It's a hit!

I just wish those two kooky kids could be here to share in my moment.

Where are they anyway?

This movie is not suitable for children.

But there are children burning the fire-escape.

Well... The thing is... Thug!

What?

You know what?

All this fire is making me hungry for some barbecue.

Whaddya say we go get us some of that free Bollywood food.

So, Johnny, you have hit the big time.

Now to go with your new status as Bollywood royalty,

you must have your absurdly lavish palace.

Chick pad.

Oh, yes, there is room for many chicks and goats.

And it's mine you say?

No strings attached.

All yours. But there's just one little thing...

It's kind of embarrassing for a proud man but...

Could I have your autograph?

No problem!

That's not an autograph book!

That's a contract!

It's a standard agreement.

And it's written in blood!

Yes! There's a funny story about that.

I was shaving at my desk and...

And what's this part about taking everything I own?

Typo. I'll delete it later.

Sorry, man, as much as my good business sense

is telling me that you're an honest man,

I've already made a deal.

With those meddling little girls?

Yeah. Stinky and Minky?

I thought it was Funky and Monkey?

Whatever they are, they're like family to me.

Family?

Can family get you the best seats in the best restaurants,

the fast cars, the fast boats,

the fast turtles at the Annual Bollywood Turtle Races?

Can family make your dreams

come true? Fulfill you?

No! Family will just destroy you like jackals!

But if you want to choose jackals over your dreams,

I understand.

Anything else you want to me to sign?

Just this...

You got it, buddy.

Welcome to the Dream Factory, Johnny Bravo!

Now get some rest.

We start shooting your next hit in an hour.

"Avasitar 2." It's set underwater - predictably.

Bring vinegar. For the sea-lice.

Didn't count on my dreams involving sea-lice.

Oh, mama!

Johnny...

I'd say hi but legally I'm not allowed to.

But, Johnny,

we're more than relentless business executive.

We're your true friends.

My true friends just gave me a swingin' bachelor pad.

And a car!

Wait! There's something you need to know.

We believe you're in terrible danger from the Thugs,

a fanatical and ancient cadre of assassins who are plotting to...

Why don't you girls run off home.

I'd drive you there in my new sports car

but it seems to be painted on to my new fake garage.

But Johnny, you're in great danger...

Sorry kids. I got to go get accustomed to my new life of luxury.

Man, that is one big trailer for one big Bollywood star.

There's no place like fake home.

Whatta day...

Oh, hi, Jeevesy.

You want a tip?

Floss your fangs and be good to your Mama.

As if you'd know...

Oh, mama...

Oh! Mama!

Who were you expecting?

A Bollywood babe wrapped up in a bow?

No... why do you ask?

Hi, Johnny...

Sorry, Sumi, you gotta scram.

I got Mama issues.

Mama, what are you doing in Indiana?

And without a cowboy hat!

I came to look after your affairs.

Like manage your brand

new fansite: The Johnny Bravo Photoblog:

Something looks off...

That's an old design.

From before you were useful and famous.

Now, come on, son, tell Mama about your Bollywood career.

Is it stable?

Stable as this here house.

Yep, I've finally found somewhere

that appreciates me for me so I ain't going nowhere...

Oh, Johnny, all your dreams are coming true boy.

Top o' the world, ma.

Top o' the world...

I think you mean bottom of the well.

Man, who knew Bollywood hunks were supposed to work hard?

Avasitar 2, take one.

Action!

Again.

Well, I'm glad that y'all liked the movie.

You guys are a riot.

Seriously though... I'd like to thank you

for renaming your national movie awards the Bravos.

And for awarding them all to me.

Even for things I didn't do.

But I guess what I have most

to be thankful for is those Thug Assassins

haven't tried to get me for some time...

Unless of course, they've just been waiting to take me down

at some fancy-shcmancy award show.

But, man, that'd be screwier than the weirdo plots

you people paying money to see at the movies.

- I mean, talk about koo-koo... - Johnny Bravo, everyone!

What?

Oh, these?

Only ten thousand rupees a pop.

Coming to a store near you!

You know..It's amazing how things just keeps going my way.

Oh, mama...

Johnny!

- Oh, no. - Poor Johnny.

If I had... to be taken out

at least it was... by someone as... pretty as me...

Oh Johnny, don't say that,

you'll be ok, you will.

A little thinner in some weird places, but ok.

No, Mama. It's my time.

I really was too beautiful for this world...

I'll... always love... me too.

I hope y'all caught that on camera,

cause that was some of my finest work yet!

Go, Bravo!

Noooooooooo! Oh, no...

Ladies and gentlemen,

Johnny Bravo,

Bollywood's greatest action star,

is now an inaction star.

Permanently. Never shall any star

in the Bollywood sky shine as brightly.

Friends, Indians, countrymen.

Lend me your ears.

I come not to praise Johnny Bravo, but to...

A talking monkey?

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a new star!

The greatest star in the Indian sky ever!

This is an outrage.

Where are you taking my boy?

And are you sure he's... moved on?

Cause it looked like he was still breathing.

I fully assure you that Johnny has passed onto the great white way

and will receive a farewell befitting a star of his talents.

Something is very suspicious about all of this.

I smell a rat.

You don't know me...

Take it as a compliment.

Well, I don't know how things work in your country,

but when there's an unexplained mystery in the USA,

completely unqualified folks usually try to solve it.

Are you with me?

We're in.

Now if everything I see on TV is true,

with this much sass,

nosiness and token eye candy

then we'll have this mystery solved in next to no time...

Or not.

Scat, mouse-cats.

No nibbling on this hunk of cheesecake.

Hey. Not a bone, body part or hair out of place.

I thought I was a goner.

Waning: Excessive use may result

in the production of super-hairs able to withstand

pressures up to but not exceeding a giant golden statue.

May also cause spontaneous shrinkage of buttocks.

Johnny Bravo...

Sorry tiffin-watsuh.

I'm not feelin too hungry for maggots and malaria.

You ignoramus! It is I,

Jiggy.

Don't you recognize me?

Jiggy?

Sorry, man, couldn't see you through all the... humiliation...

What are you implying?

That I was fired and the only employment left available

to me was to become a tiffin-wallah in the commissary?

It's true! It's true

I have fallen so far from grace I have had no choice

but to become one of the lowly people

whose worship made me a millionaire.

Oh the horror! The horror...

Hey man, being awesome in Indiana ain't all

it's cracked up to be.

At least no-one's trying to get rid of you.

Like some mega superstars I know.

What do you mean?

Some crazy assassins always trying to knock me off!

Strangulation here, sword-attack there.

Giant golden statue of yourself tied to your pants

at a national awards ceremony...

What?

Long story.

But you are talking of the Thugs.

Why would Thugs want to get rid of you?

I was their favorite target. Me! Jiggy!

What can I say?

Maybe these thugs are like dogs to trees,

they come and go.

No, don't you see. It's the role!

Whoever is playing Bindiana Jaihones,

they want them to disappear.

But why?

First things first.

You need to take shower.

Second, I know what you're thinking:

That my looks are so razor-sharp

you need chain-mail on your eyeballs just to look at me.

Which means that it's time that you and me -

the second and first biggest Bollywood stars of all time,

respectively... team-up to bring down the bad guys.

Buddy style! It'll be Jiggy and Bravo.

Bravo and Jiggy.

In a world, they never dreamed of...

You know this is a cool graphic and all,

but you really need to back up and take a shower.

Oh, mama. That's poor Jeevesy down there.

He's next in line to be knocked off.

Poor dumb monkey.

Johnny. Are you sure these disguises are going to work?

Are you kidding?

Who would expect a couple of actors

to be dressing up as someone they're not?

Well, what have we here?

You must think we are fools...

...to let a couple of beautiful ladies

like you escape our attention.

To the office.

We are just about to drink a toast...

To the good riddance of Jiggy and Johnny Bravo.

You see? This is why you are single

with the bwa-ha-has...

What my friend meant to say is

"a toast to the discovery of two new beautiful Bollywood babes."

We'd love to.

Come on, you don't want to keep a couple

of convincing ladies waiting, do you?

The tall, broad-shouldered one looks strangely familiar...

Alright, this is the final feat of strength.

Then you will do the dancing, yes?

Give it up, un-dude. I'm way more wo-manly than you.

In your dreams, she-buddy.

I knew it!

Ahmet, that's no woman.

That's Johnny Bravo!

How did you see through my disguise?

I didn't. I simply recall seeing an audition tape

many years ago with a similar looking broad-shouldered woman in it.

One so disturbing that very few even dared to keep a copy...

You mean...?

Yes - The Audition Tape

That You Posted on the Internet and Can't Erase!

Also known as...

...The Jeannie Ovarb Tapes.

Jeeves, not this part.

You can edit that out, right?

I have always relied on the kindness of strangers...

Help me, Obli-Wobbly Kennobli,

you're my only hope..

Ready for my close-up, Mr. De Mile.

Too close, man, too close...

What's my name?

John... I mean... Jeannie Ovarb.

Female actress. Lady model.

Furniture removalist girlie.

Don't call me. I'll call you.

What?

You've never done anything embarrassing to make a buck?

Nope! Not like that.

Yeah, whatever.

What's up with you and the Thugs

trying to put me and Jiggly out of action?

May I?

For the only reason there is,

you fool - money.

You see, our plan was to make Bindiana Jaihones famous

for being Jiggy's last film... ever...

It's a well-known fact

that no matter how much money a working celebrity brings in,

it doesn't compare to the publicity value

of a well-timed sudden retirement.

So we hired a Thug Cult

who had been aggrieved

by one of Jiggy's many ill-fated advertisements.

Hugs for Thugs, please

That's the way to go go go...

Hugs for thugs?

Like you're one to criticize "Jeannie."

All was going to plan.

Until Johnny Bravo came along

and shone like a supernova

compared to Jiggy's dwarf star.

And so we decided to make you a megastar.

Thanks. Much obliged.

And the new victim of our plot.

Not so thanky on that one.

Enough talk.

We have heard all we need to hear.

Come, Johnny, we must notify the police.

May I use your phone?

I don't have a lot of minutes left on my phone.

I think not. Besides,

you fools are just wasting time.

The Thugs demanded an extra special payment for their services.

A sacrifice!

A human sacrifice!

Of certain people you know...

Oh for heaven's sake. It's Pinky, Shinky,

Sumi and Mama Bravo.

- Piggy and Shonky! - Sumi and Mama!

Noooooooooo!

Mine was bigger.

Time for the Bravo Jiggyball special.

What is the...

Geronimooooooo!

Come on, my brother.

Jiggy and Bravo ride again.

I take it you know where the secret Thug Temple is?

No, but I think we both know the one person who would...

So, you seek the secret Thug Temple?

How do you know?

The Voodoo Guru knows all.

Well then, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck

if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Sounds about right.

Then what's the way to the secret Thug Temple?

And then make a left, Gotcha!

What is it?

A special batch of my most powerful hair gel.

If you get in real trouble,

use your heads.

Thank you, Voodoo Guru. But why do you help us?

Because... Sometimes not just thugs need hugs, please...

Whoa, buddy. We were after directions ok?

Not therapy. Go go go!

But it's your jingle! Remember...

"Hugs for thugs, please,

that's the way to go go go..."

I'm so lonely...

Are you sure you got those directions right?

Mostly.

Halfway through him telling me,

I saw myself reflected in the bike mirror

and couldn't take my eyes off me.

Hey look - there I am again.

Hey, me!

Stuntmen!

Why did it have to be a stuntmen?

I think we lost 'em.

Now where was I?

Oh, yeah...

We're here.

We can admire our beauty, later.

What took you so long?

You save the day, I'll call the police.

That dude is starting to give me the irrits.

Mama!

Oh, Almighty One,

take these sacrifices unto you to ensure prosperity

for your followers and also as a bit of a lark...

Johnny, you're alive!

Lark this, monkey-lover.

That doesn't make any sense.

Do you even know what a "lark" is?

He means it's time to get Jiggy with it.

What does that even mean?

Can someone please dispose of these fools?

Can I get a "Go, Johnny?"

"Go, Johnny. Go, Johnny."

Now can I have a "Go, Jiggy?"

Nah. Needs more Johnny.

Not so fast, Bravo.

Neeeedsss mooorreee Joooohn...

What are you waiting for? Get them!

Whass a pretty monkey-lady like you doing

in an rotten person's den like this?

Y'know, your kinda cute.

Nice body, shame about the hairy, monkey-head...

Johnny...

Excuse me, miss...

Johnny, we are in real trouble...

If you get in real trouble,

use your heads...

Use your heads...

Your heads...

Heads...

Heads...

Man, just when I thought you couldn't get any weirder.

Is it? Are those...?

Beams of pure awesomeness.

Impossible!

Rays of utter beauty! It cannot be.

We give up!

We surrender!

We're too uncool to face such awesomeness.

I've seen enough cartoons to know

that the only thing left to do is unmask the Big Bad guy.

It's the Director from Bollywood Studios.

Waitasec...

It's the nameless head tiffin-wallah from the commissary.

It's the dangerous ape from the monkey palace.

Hey, me.

You know. Up close,

I don't look as bad as I thought.

Not the face.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle's mama.

Yes, it was me.

You see it's been my lifelong dream

to show all little aspiring monkey-cum-butler-cum-cult

assassins-cum-actors that it is possible to achieve all your dreams,

no matter how big or how small they may be.

I hear you monkey-boy.

And I feel your monkey-pain.

I once knew a monkey that wanted to be nothing more than a primate butler,

but he was kept down by the Man.

A hot, handsome man with hot handsome hair.

And hot handsome...

I believe I was in the middle of my melodramatic,

expositional monologue.

Whatever. Just wrap it up. This movie ain't called "Jai Ho Jeeves."

But don't you want me to explain how I...

Nah. Maybe just skip to the whole

"And I would've gotten away with it" bit...

Alright!

And I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids.

Yeah, yeah. We all know how the rest goes.

Man, do all supervillains just sit around watching Scooby Doo?

Hi, Velma,

You probably get this all the time, but

can we have your autograph?

Sure. Johnny Bravo does anything for his fans.

Not Johnny Bravo... Jeannie Ovarb.

We're all big fans down at the station...

Whatever floats your boat, officer.

How can you ever forgive me?

Well you can start by making me your agent.

And me your manager.

And we'll take, let's say,

eighty percent...

Eighty? Let's say forty.

Eighty.

Forty.

Forty.

Eighty...

Forty.

- Eighty. - They're the best little stalkers

who became ten year-old agents who I fired I ever met in my life.

Come on,

Johnny, let's blow this pop stand and go home, honey.

Run and say goodbye now.

Deal!

Eighty percent - sucker...

Just came to give you a goodbye present:

Looking at me while I say "goodbye."

We'll never forget you, Johnny Bravo.

Back at you, Slippy and Dippy.

You know there's no shame in being the second best

looking man in Bollywood.

I am glad you have accepted that, my friend.

Johnny!

Keep it, kid.

I realized something today.

The power of pure awesomeness isn't in any hair-gel.

It's in me. It always was.

Actually, it really was in the hair-gel.

Better give me a couple thousand.

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