Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously on a very special Clone High...

Clones were unfrozen, met a new crop of clones.

Joan of Arc used to be an outsider

with a crush on Abe Lincoln,

but, now, she is suddenly a popular girl

dating the hunky JFK.

Will it last?

Will anything last?

Does anything we do matter? If it will all ultimately

be forgotten to the sands of time?

Anyway, enjoy this episode.

? (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ?

JOAN OF ARC: This has been the most perfect day.

First, Teen Sex Cove.

And now, Plan B Beach.

Oh, JFK. Kiss me. The louder, the better.

? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(BOTH MOAN, PANT)

- Peekaboo. - JOAN: Abe?

Abe?

Abe!

- ? (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ? - Yes! Yes! Abe!

That's right, baby. You're thinking Lincoln.

Yes! Yes!

- Yes! Abe! - (HORN BLARING)

(SLOT MACHINE CHIMING)

- (DOLPHIN CALLING) - Yes! Yes! Yes!

(GASPS, EXCLAIMS) Oh! (CLEARS THROAT) Hey!

I was just having a little math dream.

You know, like, "Yes! Abe-- B."

A, B. Just some algebra.

Nothing weird or repressed or intensely private.

Gotta go, bye.

? ("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG" BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ?

? Way, way back in the 1980s ?

? Secret government employees ?

? Dug out famous guys And ladies ?

? And made Amusing genetic copies ?

? Then the clones as teens Were frozen ?

? Thawed out decades later Why? ?

? Back for reasons They�re not disclosin' ?

? Giving high school Another try ?

? It's time to watch Clone High ?

? Energetic and engaging Clone High ?

? Our angst is entertaining Clone High ?

? (THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ?

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (WIND BLOWING)

? (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ?

BOTH: We gather to pay tribute to the sacred anniversary

of the event.

Hey, Joan. I heard you had a sex dream

in math class.

No, I had a math dream in sex class.

That's why you fact-check a rumor.

- (WIND BLOWING) - (EXCLAIMS) Hmm.

- ? (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ? - Doritos.

(FIRE CRACKLING)

(BOTH GASP)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Are you doing Wiccan stuff? I love a good coven. Or bad.

Oh, it�s nothing like that. (CHUCKLES)

It was just a huge life changing incident that bonded us

- till death. - (SHUSHES)

Well, what happened? Tell me.

Sorry, Joansie. Our secret is D-A-N-G-E-R-ous.

Oh, it must be nice to have female friends,

you can trust with your deepest, darkest secrets.

Back in 2003,

women just weren't friends with each other like that.

For reals? How come that?

Yeah, why Joan?

Was it because you're a loser with dry eyes

and big ass cuticles?

Cut them sometimes, Joan, you can't always

just push them back. Grow up!

- ? (SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING) ? - Back in the 2000s,

women always had to compete against each other for boys,

jobs, attention, everything.

I mean, most TV writers' rooms back then only had one woman.

That is unthinkable and very specific.

I guess I'm just one of those gals

that's destined to only have close guy friends.

- Rock fight. Joan, join us. - Yeah, get in here, guy.

Whoever gets hit in the nuts, wins. (GROANS)

- (GROANS) Let's play again. - Oh! (CHUCKLES) So fun!

(SIGHS)

? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Joan, I wanted to tell you that--

Peekaboo.

(WHIMPERS)

Joan definitely has something, she needs to get off her chest.

I'm thinking it has something to do with JFK.

Where is my monogamous girl? Where ya been, Joanie?

Ah! I'm right here thinking about you and only you.

That's why I'm in the trash can because I'm thinking,

uh, dirty thoughts.

Girl needs help.

She can't just keep all this stuff bottled up.

(GASPS) What if we invite her to a sleepover?

Maybe then, she'll feel comfortable

telling us her secret.

Since secrets told at sleepovers may never be revealed anywhere

except at said sleepover.

I know the rules of sleepovers, Harriet.

But yeah! Let's do it.

How about you and me

turn your dirty thoughts into dirty actions tonight?

Tonight? Uh...

- (EXCLAIMS) - Joan, we would like to propose

a sleepover tonight because--

A sleepover? Tonight? Of course!

- You know I'm in. - Oh, thank God.

Sleepover prep initiated. I'll start slicing cucumbers.

And I'll get the raccoons out of my sleeping bag.

Wait! You, er, uh, wanna hangout with someone else tonight?

Right. Girls have sleepovers now.

So I'm gonna do that.

Not because I'm working through anything

or like avoiding you.

Because why would that be the case?

It wouldn't. That's why.

You should hang with the guys instead.

Oh, yeah. Sure, I, er, uh, I-- I love guys.

All the-- all the guys that I definitely have with...

Definitely have meaningful relationships

with lots of male friends. (CHUCKLES)

Or guys, as I call them. Yep, that's me, Mr. Guys.

Enjoy your sleepover.

- Hey, Joan. - (SCREAMS)

You want to see my lighthouse impression

- I've been working on? - No.

- (SCREAMS) - By any chance,

did you say you do a lighthouse impression?

- I love lighthouses. - Really?

Not at all.

But my therapist requires that I have three

social interactions every month

or I have to spent spring break at the asylum again.

Anyhoo, you want to hang out later?

Okay. I-- I guess.

(LAUGHS)

Good stuff. Toodle-oo.

(HORN BLARING)

- (JFK SOBS) - (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Oh, JFK? Are you alright?

Oh, I'm fine. I'm just letting my eyes pee.

Oh, I-P-P. Can't spell Mississippi without it.

Joan told me to hang with my guys tonight,

but I spent my whole life making out with girls.

And I-- I let all my male friendships fade away.

Same. If you substitute hanging out with girls

with looking at the internet.

I only have one real friend right now,

and it's my girlfriend.

(SOBS) And we spend every night

banging and banging and doing it.

- Oh, yeah! - JFK: And banging and

banging and banging and banging...

- Cool. - ...and banging and banging,

- and then banging some more. - Alright.

And then having sex.

- And then boinking. - Same with me.

- But you know, the internet. - JFK: And then ramming.

So, you wanna have a playdate? Uh, I mean sleepover?

(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, I mean, a bro night?

- Bro night? - ? (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

I'd like that Confucius. I'd really like that.

? (MUSIC ENDS) ?

Hey, Foster Mom.

Hello, Foster Daughter.

I was just preparing you dinner

as I am required by law to feed you.

Oh! Um... Hey, is it cool if I go to a sleepover tonight?

(GASPS) A sleepover?

Where you tell your most valuable secrets

to other female clones? Of course.

I've got a work thing. Bye.

Oh, I wish Toots hadn't died

in that clarinet accident while I was frozen.

- (CRICKETS CHIRPING) - (LIZARD HISSES)

CANDIDE SAMPSON: Members of the board.

Joan is attending a sleepover tonight,

where girls traditionally reveal their deepest, darkest secrets.

I know the rules of a sleepover.

Get us those secrets, so we can blackmail

whichever clones survive, "Operation Spread Eagle."

I'll drug the girls

using my patent pending truth serum.

I'll help you. I'll cancel my road trip with Mr. B.

Totally fine. Some other time.

- (GRUNTS) - (GLASS CRASHING)

- (CRICKETS CHIRPING) - HARRIET TUBMAN: Joan,

welcome to your sleepover.

- (GASPS) - ? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

? I'm a hot one Yeah, I'm turning it up ?

? I'mma melt your heart But you can't even touch ?

? I'm a hot one And I'm living it up ?

Did I underdress?

(CHUCKLES) This is my first real ladies sleepover.

I mean, Cleo and I had to share a bedroom

when our parents dated briefly,

but I wouldn't call that a sleepover.

- ? (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ? - (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Don't worry, Joanuary Joans.

We only smother with consensual friendship.

And sleepovers are next level friend stuff.

I mean, sleeping next to someone

in their house on the floor, right near the outlet

that has too many things plugged into it.

It's honestly the most beautiful place

to share secrets.

I don't have any secrets to share.

Hey! We wouldn't share our secrets now either.

Yeah. We've got a lot of bonding to do first.

Starting with something no sleepover

could ever go without.

BOTH: Fun sleepover song.

? Being a teen girl sucks It's so whatever ?

? But then there's one night You'll remember forever ?

- ? Sleepover, baby ? - ? It's a sleepover, baby ?

? Sleepover, baby ?

? It'll be a blast ?

? Glitter and ribbons And bodies to explore ?

ALL: Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary.

(ALL SCREAM)

(ALL LAUGH)

? Let's all share one beer ?

(ALL LAUGH)

? Crafting, bedazzling And summoning hell ?

(ALL SCREAM, LAUGH)

- ? I'm never leavin' here ? - ? I'm never leavin' here ?

? Now that we're all Such best friends ?

? Our lives will rule ?

? 'Cause the best friends You keep are the ones ?

? From high school ?

? Sleepover, baby ?

- ? (SONG CONCLUDES) ? - (SCREAMS)

? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Now, that we've, er, uh, finished the requisite pizza eating

and talk of all the bases we've gone to.

I assume we play sports. And then slap asses.

Not anymore, my frozen friend.

We don't move a muscle except these.

Diggy, diggy, diggy.

I'm talking swiping and typing. Welcome to FlipFlop.

What is this strange magic?

FlipFlop. It's the site where people

share videos they made. These vids taught me everything

I don't know.

- (VOCALIZES) - ? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ?

FLIPFLOPPER: It was a lie?

- (SCREAMS) - (LAUGHS)

- Busted! - (SIREN BLARING)

( FLIPFLOPPER 2 SCREAMING)

This is... amazing!

I have so many thoughts and unsolicited opinions.

Oh, should I call the creators? Or write them letters?

CONFUCIUS: Not even.

I know the exact place to get the word out.

Comment section.

The, uh... Wait, wait, wait, what?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Abraham Lincoln, we're so happy.

You're here. Come in, come in.

Jesus, Mom. Back off.

You're gonna scare him away.

Can I offer you something to drink? A juice box?

Hollandaise?

Oh, no. No. Thank you.

- I'm fine. - Are you sure?

I can whip up something lickety-split.

I just have to find the oven.

He said no, Caitlin!

Let's go to my room. I found some cool stuff

- we can watch on the internet. - Have a nice sleepover.

It was so nice to meet you, Benjamin Franklin.

- (CRICKETS CHIRPING) - (GIRLS LAUGHING)

JOAN: That was good, that was good.

I'm so glad we did this. What's next Harriet?

It's time to play "Never Have I Ever."

- I've never played. - Never?

- Not ever. - Never ever ever?

Never, not ever.

I've never played "Never Have I Ever."

- ? (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ? - HARRIET: Never?

- JOAN: Never. - HARRIET: Wait, not ever, ever.

JOAN: Not ever.

They're about to play "Never Have I Ever."

It's time to give them the truth-serum-laced alcohol.

How are the drinks coming?

Perfect. We even made a few extra.

Cocktail!

Cha-cha, cha-cha, cha-cha!

Tom Cruise. Kokomo.

Mr. B, which drinks have all the serum?

This one. Oh, wait. Hold on.

- Maybe that one. - No, no, no. It's this one.

Uh, actually. This one.

You idiots. How are we gonna figure this out?

We'll just have to test them ourselves.

- Now what? - We wait.

- Never? - Never.

- Not ever, ever. - Not ever.

- Or ever, ever? - Never!

HARRIET: Wait, not ever, ever?

JOAN: Never, not ever. I've never, never--

She's never played the damn game.

So, how do you play?

You put your hands up like this and when it's your turn,

you'll say something you've never ever done.

And then everyone who has done it

will put a finger down.

And whoever puts all their fingers down first

is the baddest bish.

And no matter what, you cannot lie.

Ah!

- ? (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ? - Yes! Abe!

(DOLPHINS CALLING)

Uh, I don't know. This seems pretty revealing.

Don't overthink it, Joan.

Just loosen those lips and have fun.

I'll start. Um, like,

never have I ever been attracted to Pinocchio.

(CHUCKLES) I can't lie.

But he sure can, if you know what I mean.

- (ALL LAUGH) - You are so bad! Bad Joan.

Wow, this is really fun.

Alright, I wanna try. I wanna try.

Alright. I don't wanna knock anyone out right off the bat,

so I'll start with an easy one.

Uh, never have I ever, um, uh, murdered someone.

(LAUGHS)

? (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(GASPS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

(SCREAMS)

FLIPFLOPPER: My eyes are open! But I can't see a thing!

Don't forget to hit donate.

Uh-huh! That's a spicy meatball.

(LAUGHS) L-O-L I-R-L, JFK. You're a natural.

I am?

TOPHER BUS: (SCOFFS) Why do people think

it's still okay to make fun of Italians?

I'm tired of being called "ricotta face"

or "Spaghetti Eddie with the prosciutto butt,

the cannoli brains."

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) I need to educate this fellow.

Wow! You're such a good person.

I find that being anonymous brings out the best in me.

- (BOTH LAUGH) - (NOTIFICATION DINGS)

Top-Her 69 replied.

He called you "Rocky Balboa dumb."

Let me at him!

Oh, it�s been a while since I, er, uh,

pounded some knucklehead's face in.

Where is this wisenheimer?

Let me teach you how we fight in the future.

? (ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Pop on these blue light glasses to avoid eye strain.

We're going in.

? (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Candide, I don't think any of these had the truth serum,

because I'm feeling no effects. And I'm only attracted to you

because you remind me of my lonesome

and coldhearted mother,

which is really a turn on for me. Oh, no!

Last night, I had a dream where I was pregnant

with Mr. B's baby.

I just wanna be a mom. (GASPS)

The coffee maker didn't break, I was getting freaky with it.

Damn, Joan, how are you gonna guess our secret

on your first "Never Have I Ever"?

Wait, your secret really is that you murdered someone.

Okay, fine. Yes, bingo. You got it.

I have so many questions. Who? Wait, when? How?

I remember it clear as Miami Beach seawater

minus all the condoms.

It was 2014.

We met over a tandem love for tandem biking.

? (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

HARRIET: Now, that our tandem bikes

were in tandem, we started training

for our first singles doubles tandem biking competitions.

The grand prize was 12 dollars

and the chance to meet Prince's chauffeur.

- Nothing could stop us. - (THUNDER RUMBLING)

HARRIET: Not even a little rain.

(CHUCKLES) Purple rain?

- What? No. - That doesn't make any sense.

Why did she say purple rain?

FRIDA KAHLO: We were practicing mornings, noons,

dusks, late nights, leap days.

- Racing super-fast, until... - (BOTH LAUGH)

- ? (TENSE MUSIC PLAYS) ? - (TIRES SCREECH)

(SCREAMS, MUNCHES)

- (SCREAMS) - (THUNDER RUMBLING)

We hit a guy, landed right on him.

Impact put dude's whole body into a knot,

like a garlic knot but a man.

So, then what? Did they try you as adults or children?

What did you wear to court? Did your lawyer have suspenders

and do this?

- (THUNDER RUMBLING) - FRIDA: Nah, girl.

We rolled that cuerpo muerto right into a hole

and vowed to forget it ever happened.

Which is why every year on the anniversary,

we remember it. Never forget.

So, now that you know our big secret,

come on, Joan, what's yours?

Well, mine is really small compared to murder,

like, it's embarrassing. But, um, I-- I had, um...

Wait, I know, what you're doing?

You made up this murder so I'll share my secret with you

and then you'll rub it in my face and--

and tell everyone, just like Cleo used to do.

We're not being sus.

I mean, we are because we killed someone.

- Yeah, right. - Fine! We'll prove it.

We'll show you where the body is buried.

Get your closed-toe shoes on, now.

Oh, man. I only brought chancletas.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

- ? (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ? - (PANTS)

(SPITS, SIGHS)

Stay focused, kiddo.

Oh, I'm giving it everything I got, Coach.

Hey, Toph. Do you wanna get off the computer

- and watch a movie or something? - No, I'm online.

- (KEYBOARDS CLACKING) - (GRUNTS)

I suck? You are mistaken

and must be thinking of your mother!

- (GRUNTS, GASPS) - (CHUCKLES)

Hey, you play, uh, guitar?

I just have one! Okay? My uncle gave it to me!

Shut up. I'm online!

Ha! Wrong! My mom is terrible at blow jobs, loser!

Hmm, you are a loser

with a wiener that would be best described as...

"A not very good wiener."

- (GASPS) - (LAUGHS)

(GROWLS)

? (DRAMATIC VOCALIZING, FADES) ?

You're a loser

with a very small amount of friends.

Zero!

(GROANS) No!

(GRUNTS)

TOPHER: And the amount of people

you'll have at your funeral is also zero.

Because you have no friends!

Maybe your dad will show up just to take

a dump on your face, and then he'll say,

"Look, my dump is my son's only friend."

Oh, wait! Even the dump hates you.

Topher, you're a monster online.

- (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) - And in person.

FRIDA: Do we really have to dig up that body?

- HARRIET: Yes. - JOAN: Yes.

Until Joan believes our secret, she won't share hers.

So let's dig up that deadass body

and make her talk! (GASPS)

You didn't murder anyone.

You guys were trying to trick me into giving you my secret.

Girl friendships haven't change.

This doesn't make sense. This was the spot.

- (BICYCLE BELL RINGING) - (ALL SCREAM)

- (THUNDER RUMBLING) - FREDERICO: I know what you did

eight autumns ago.

(ALL SCREAM)

- (SOBS) Yo. I can't... - JFK.

- (SOBS) - You're gonna be alright.

Oh, just leave me here to die.

He said, "You're a loser with zero friends."

I am a loser with zero friends.

I can't even be friends with a dump

my dad took on my dead face.

(SOBS) You're not a loser. That dump would be your friend.

(SOBS) Wait a minute.

You're not... You're... You're...

? (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ?

(GASPS) That's what I thought.

- (LAUGHS) - (COMPUTER DINGS)

Huh. This guy said, "You used the possessive 'your,'

you idiot. It's apostrophe, R-E!"

What?

No! (GROANS)

(SCREAMS, GROANS)

Okay, I'm gonna go.

TOPHER'S MOM: Wow, is it tomorrow already?

- Bye. - (DOOR CLOSING)

? (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ?

CONFUCIUS: He logged off, JFK.

I corrected his grammar.

It's over, we won.

(SOBS) We won.

You did that for me?

Of course. That's what friends do, man.

I finally see the point of other boys.

You're not so bad... bro?

(SOBS) Yes, we're the bros.

BOTH: Slap fight! (LAUGH)

- (GIRLS SCREAM) - ? (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ?

FREDERICO: Eight autumns ago, you killed me.

(SCREAMS) Unibrow, save yourself.

Sorry, I meant you killed the old me.

(LAUGHS) Thank you.

What? You're not dead? (GROANS)

(CHUCKLES) I know, right? Name's Frederico.

As I laid buried alive, my life flashed before me

and it was really stupid.

I had no friends, and you know why?

Because I never opened up.

Never told anyone my secrets.

People would ask, "How are you, Frederico?"

And I'd say, "None of your business,"

and I'd threw my Sprite in her face.

I went to a therapist to try to get help,

but she wanted to know my secrets too.

So I chucked a Sprite in her face.

(GRUNTS) I went through a lot of Sprite pushing people away.

But that fateful night,

as you two filled my mouth with mud,

I realized I wanted to live.

I decided it was time to pull myself out of the emotional

and literal hole I was in, and make some friends.

- ? (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ? - Hi.

Now, I have tons of friends. I tell them all my secrets.

(WHISPERS) I'm scared of belly buttons.

I no longer drink Sprite, which is literally bad for you

and not even food, and was almost illegal

in New York.

I'm so happy.

- Huh? - Thank you for saving my life

by burying me alive.

So, we didn't murder you? We fixed you?

- Oh, thank God. - That is such a relief.

I'm so glad we don't have to live

with that terrible secret anymore.

Guys, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.

I'll tell you my secret.

It's so silly compared to yours, so it's not a big deal.

I'm just gonna say it, I had a sex dream about Abe.

- ? (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ? - (GASPS)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

- That's a huge deal. - But wait, it was just a dream.

I was having sex with Abe's head.

Eh, we call that oral sex now.

No, no, no, his head was giant, so nobody or limbs.

But... (CHUCKLES) ...you know how dreams are.

Just weird.

Nothing is ever just a dream.

What's in your head when you're sleeping

is what's in your heart when you're awake.

- Wait, what? - It's true.

This is officially the biggest secret

I've ever been a part of.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it is juicy.

You guys are going tell everyone, aren't you?

Will you please also tell them I really like JFK?

- ? (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ? - HARRIET: Hey, hey, it's okay.

We're not gonna tell anyone.

But, honestly, seriously, girl, this was a sleepover.

You know that a secret that happens at a sleepover

can never ever be told.

Yes, we all know how sleepovers work.

You know, I'm so sick of people overexplaining the rules

when literally everyone... (SCREAMS)

(BODY THUDS)

- Frederico? - Clap once if you can hear me.

Are we sure he's dead?

I'd hate to bury him alive again.

Yeah, he's not screaming this time.

I'll get the shovels, friends.

I'm happy to report our mission was a success.

We stuck to the plan

and did not get sidetracked in any way.

Yes, we remained focused on the sleepover

and not on various issues

we're dealing with in our personal lives.

As a result, we now have all the clones' secrets

and none of each other�s. Our dignity is rock solid,

and we are not attracted to either of our parents.

CANDIDE: You're really good

at your job, Scudworth.

? (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ?

BOTH: Upon this act, we shall be bonded together

in friendship forevermore.

Sleep well, fair Frederico. Or should I say, "Frienderico."

Thank you, guys, for teaching me that sleepovers

are indeed the friggin' best.

- (WHISTLES) - (GASPS)

- ? (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ? - JFK, I missed you.

- How was your sleepover? - Honestly, it killed.

(ALL LAUGH)

Why are we laughing?

(ALL LAUGH)

? (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ?

? (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ?

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