Original subtitles

[clock ticking]

[giggles]

Oh, stop it, garbage boy!

Ahhh... stop it! [giggles]

[clock rings, dings]

[cheerful music]

Nora? Wally? [laughs]

What a beautiful day!

What if we all...

[cheerful music dies down]

They must be at work already.

100 percent.

[text whoosh]

[mellow music]

[car horns honking]

[Li-Wei] This is my new chair.

I found it in a dumpster off of Queens Boulevard!

Ooh, that's nice.

Speaking of hand-me-downs,

my grandson gave me all of his shirts...

and house shorts, so nothing goes to waste.

My niece asked if I needed new shoes,

and I laughed at her for 45 minutes!

These bitches are so depressing.

[Li-Wei] Us old girls don't need a thing

after a certain point!

[Luling] That's right!

[text whoosh]

[Grandma chuckles]

[Luling] Who's texting you?

Oh, just Nora.

[Li-Wei] That reminds me,

I have an appointment with a foot doctor in a few hours.

Why does Nora remind you of your foot doctor?

[Lulei] I should go too.

I forgot to get my World Journal this morning,

and I wanna stare at it before calling it a night.

Well, it's only 8 o'clock in the morning.

I know! So late!

See ya.

I wouldn't wanna be ya.

[indistinct chatter]

? Do it, baby

? Do it, do it, baby

? Do it, baby

? Do it, do it, baby

? Do it, baby

[mellow music]

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[text ding]

[text whooshes]

Jesus Christ... [knocking on door]

[sighs] All right! All right!

Come on, don't get your pee hot!

Edmund, what are you doing here? What's up?

Nothing! You?

Why are you sending me all these weird texts?

Oh, um, no reason.

Just... wanted to make sure you were home.

Well, here I am.

Well, I guess I also had this recent epiphany

after my trip to Iceland that I love love,

and you and Brenda are so in love that...

- Okay, go. - Who are you talking to?

Edmund, what the fuck is going on?

I'm sorry, Uncle Wally.

Your friends found me on Facebook

and wanted me to organize your bachelor party.

[Wally] Friends? What friends?

Damon...?

[Wally] Damon? Damon's fucking annoying!

Hey, I heard that! What's up, Wall Man?

Hang tight, buddy! Lezzfuckinggo!

[Wally] Come on!

[car horn honks]

Hey!

What are you crazy kids up to?

Hey!

- [giggles] - Go!

[Grandma] Oh, these plants are parched!

You poor babies need some love.

Oh, what the hell.

You're coming home with Grandma.

Grandma! Can you say "Grandma"?

[laid-back beat]

[chuckles]

Are you hungry? Okay.

Just a little more of my secret stuff...

[door shuts]

[Nora] Hey, Grandma. Crazy day at work today.

This guy pressed his penis against the display window

and I rolled my friggin' ankle Swiffering it.

Is it...

[sniffs]

What... is it?

[mystical music]

Holy shit, Grandma! This is weed!

Really?

Bad boy!

It's moving past the veg phase.

What is "veg"? Like, like a salad?

The weed buds are coming in.

Hey! If you help me grow it...

you wouldn't have to buy it anymore.

You wanna give me a hand? [laughs]

This could be a fun thing we could do together.

Yeah, I-I would love to.

But the first thing we need to do is get it to a dark place.

You are fat and ugly. That'll do it.

No, that doesn't do it.

[Bros] Surprise!

[laughter]

Welcome to your bachelor party, bro!

Look, I got all the gym bros together

thanks to this little dude, of course.

Thank you, little dude.

Yo, check it out!

We got a cigar station and a fireworks station.

And squishy-squashy... A seafood tower!!!!

Whoa, fellas!

You didn't have to go to all this trouble.

I don't even know if I have the energy for all this.

Neither do we, dude. I'm on Lipitor now.

Hey, man, if we were in our twenties,

I would've taken you right to the donkey show,

you know that.

But the world is fucked now,

so we might as well have an excuse

to just kick back, right?

Yeah, but I don't know. I...

Kickin' back, yeah.

I can go for that. Yeah!

[guys concurring, laughing]

Lezzgobros weekend, all right!!

[shouting, cheering]

So the LED lights emulate a solstice.

We're gonna go 12 hours with them on,

and then 12 hours with them off.

Did you know that weed grows at night?

[laughs] Now what do we do?

Now, we wait.

If it goes well, do you think we could sell it?

Oh, we're gonna sell it even if it doesn't go well!

[laughs] But who would buy it?

Oh, I'd definitely buy this.

- You wanna sniff a nub? - Nug.

- Nug. - [Nora] Nug.

- Nug. - Don't mind if I do.

Holy shit, this is fucking dank!

I know at least seven dudes who'd buy this right now.

Then why don't you sell it to them?

I mean, sure, I'm down.

Hey, maybe we can make enough for you to buy your car!

Now we're talking, Grandma.

But with all the trimming,

we're gonna need some extra hands.

More hands, you say?

? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

'Sup, bitches?

You old people bored? I'm running a business.

Hey, Lesbian Biker Club over 60!

Polish Senior Bread Club!

You wanna join too?

[cheers and applause] Let's get busy!

All right.

Johnathan and Mary Jo...

Okay, I'm gonna have you guys on labeling and packaging,

putting stickers on those cookie tin cans.

We're calling it Grandma's Jazz Cabbage.

And Jonah and Claire? Hi.

You guys are on extraction duties in the kitchen,

so go and fire up that oil machine.

And Doug and my sweet Nora are our runners.

Yes, Li-Wei?

Are we selling drugs?

Drugs...

- Yes, Li-Wei. - Just checking.

Anything else?

Can I sample the product?

No, you cannot sample the product.

But I have glaucoma!

All right, let's do this.

We are officially in business!

[bell rings]

[cheers and applause]

? Make money

? Make money, money

We have an order for two half-zips!

Six prerolls and the special coconut oil!

? Forget the hater

? Go on and make that paper

? Get la like 100 acre

One half-zip tin ready to fly.

32nd and Union! You got it, bao bao?

Oh, I got it, Grandma!

How are the strap-ons?

? Money makes the world go round ?

? You feeling the song that's so calm ?

? Just move to the beat and go down ?

? Ha, go down and shake 'em

? DJ just turn up the song louder ?

? Go go Gaga

? I give them the car key Prada ?

? I feel good

? Made another dollar

? Make money

? Make money, money

? Make money

? I really do, yeah

? I'm really making this move, yeah ?

? Came out of blue, yeah

? I'm on my shit

? A quarter mill on my wrist

? 4 or 5 chicks

? On a pill in my whip

? I'm on my shit

? I'm on my shit

? I really do, yeah

? I'm really making this move, yeah ?

Hey, everyone.

I called this meeting to say we just sold our 100th ounce!

[cheers and applause]

Now, now, now,

I normally don't do this, but...

Li-Wei, do you want to try a sample?

Me? I... right here?

Sure!

[Li-Wei laughs]

[coughs]

[laughter]

This is not...

Of course not! That's oregano!

I would never give free samples.

What are you, stupid?

Now get back to work!

This ain't a TedX Talk!

[indistinct chatter]

? Oh

? Get it right in a...

[Wally] Wow, that risotto was great, John-O.

Hey, thanks, bro.

I don't know why I ain't talked to some of you guys

in, like, five years, but it was real nice of you

to organize something for me.

Yeah, it was our pleasure, bro.

Well, Uncle Wally, that's not all!

Because I prepared something else.

Your love with Brenda is so special and inspiring, so...

- here she is! - What?

[beep]

[Brenda] Hey, Wally!

I know you're probably all partied out right now,

and you're having fun.

But I just wanted to say how excited I am

to be spending our lives together.

A lifetime full of trust and support,

and through the ups and the downs.

You have my heart, Wally Bear. You have my heart.

I just love you.

Damon, turn it off.

Damon, turn it off, please!

[projector powers down]

What's wrong, Uncle Wally?

I don't know if there's gonna be a wedding at this point.

She realized she was out of your league, huh?

I got fired from my job.

And I've been working at Sam Ash.

I never told Brenda.

Uncle Wally, Brenda loves you.

She'll definitely understand.

She'll understand that I'm a loser?

A liar, and I don't got any future prospects?

Look at me! I changed careers.

I used to be in tech, and now I'm a B-list actor

who sometimes gets free vanilla ice cream at diners.

I tried to tell her, that I just got in too deep.

All right, you know what's gonna make you feel better?

We get in the fuck bus, and we go to your Sam Ash,

and we each buy a guitar.

That way, you get a whole bunch of commission,

and then we get to noodle some baddies!

[cheers and laughter]

It's about time!

You call your... Kia Sonata a "fuck bus"?

Yes, sir. Yeah.

[up-tempo beat]

[foreboding music]

Who the hell are all these people?

[indistinct chatter]

Grandma?

You got people working here all day now, or...

Uh...

Hidey-ho, Little Bo... Peep!

Hidey-ho. I'm just trying to

talk to my grandma, if you will...

Yeah, well, maybe you're barking up the wrong boot-holio.

You catch my drift, Taylor Swift?

Um, I'm just catching these weird bully rhymes.

If you guys could maybe just... thank you so much.

Thank you, ladies.

Oh, Nora! I'm glad you're up early.

You have an entire ounce to sell today.

Oh.

Because you have an entire facial tattoo on today.

Are you all right?

It's temporary...

for now.

But I'm gonna need you to sell that ounce.

Okay?

Uh, about that.

I was maybe gonna take the day off,

just hang out with Doug.

This is something that we planned together.

Would you betray your grandmother like that?

I don't think that doing it tomorrow is betrayal.

Oh, Nora...

I'd really love it if you did it today.

We're business partners.

You wouldn't want to do bad business, would you?

Why don't you shake a little tail feather

and get me my brick?

Okay, bao bao?

[foreboding music]

Man, it's crazy how quick it makes people insane.

Homegirl has gone full El Chapo.

She's not far from killing without guilt.

God, I hope not!

Well, I'mma take off for the day.

You're leaving me?

Yeah, bro, I got Spanish class in an hour!

You got Spanish class?

- S� se�or! - [Rian] Hey!

You guys are the plug, right?

You're Robert Heidel?

I put a white dude's name as my alias

so no one would trace it back to my IP.

Smart.

You guys just free balling your identity out here?

Not necessarily... free balling.

I have a different user name...

Whatever, bro. Just sell me the stuff.

I'm not trying to wait 'til my 17th birthday.

Okay, wait, no. We cannot sell to this kid.

Why not?

First of all, she's kind of a bitch.

Number two, she's not even 17 yet.

And...

[foreboding music]

She's kind of like a younger me.

A younger version of me that hasn't been ruined by weed.

Have you seen Euphoria?

Weed is the least of her problems.

Me? What am I even doing?

I'm selling weed outside of my workplace!

What are you? A DARE ad? Just hurry it up!

I've gotta get to SAT prep!

She has SAT prep! She's a bitch!

[Rian] Did they even have SATs when y'all went to high school?

'Cause you're giving "I was born in 1985."

- You little bitch. - Excuse me!

- Kumon. - We also had the Kumon.

We had the calculator.

We got the TV's that you wheel in.

We had the And1 sweatsuits. We had it all!

You know what? No.

I am not going to compromise my morality,

and I don't care what you or my grandma...

- Ooh! What... - [Rian] Loser!

You little...

You okay?

My labia majora's swelling in my throat!

Kicked you right in the webbles.

Bitch!

[up-tempo beat]

[Damon] Holy shit, Wall Man!

This place is awesome!

I can't believe you work here.

And I get 15 percent off.

Only 15?

Hey fellas, check this out.

This Gibson just came in.

- Huh? - Nice!

- [whistles] - [chuckles]

This is the only other lady I would give it all up for.

Seriously, ain't she a beaut?

So guitars are female to you?

Uh... yeah?

[Brenda] Wally?

Oh, hey!

What are you doing here?

I thought you were on your bachelor party.

Well, we were.

I just brought the fellas in to look at guitars.

Do you like that one?

Because I was gonna get you one for a wedding present,

but look, I ruined the surprise.

[laughter]

[all stop abruptly]

Hey, I need to tell ya something.

What is it?

I work here.

I've been working here for two months.

Since I got fired.

Wally, you got fired?

And you didn't tell me?

I, uh...

I thought you might judge me or something.

Judge you?

My son's a DJ.

I make fucked-up art for a living.

Yeah, I should've told you. I don't know what...

I can't believe you would think of me like that.

No, I don't think of you like that.

You've been lying to me for two months?

No, just let me explain, like, start from the beginning...

No.

I don't wanna talk right now.

I really liked this.

- Bren, come on. - No.

Hey, bros, how's it going?

Do you have any questions? Can I help you find anything?

Oh!

Wally, I didn't realize you were working today.

I'm not working today, Patrick.

Take a swig.

It's just milk.

Brown bagging it with your milk?

[electric guitar]

[Nora] You know what? I can't do this anymore.

I have to say something.

[foreboding music]

Yeah, nope!

What the fuck?

[door shuts]

What, uh...

What's going on here?

These jerks say I stole their plants.

You did steal their plants.

See? I told you.

Who are you guys?

Oh, hi, I'm Xavier, and this is Jaxon, both with an X.

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, we moved here after we graduated Bard in '07,

and we had a little arts collective in Bushwick.

And we started this zine monthly,

where we featured a ton of cool artists.

Okay...

Enough, Xavier, you suck at storytelling.

Look, lady, we just want to get our mother plants back, okay?

We took a long time creating this crossbreed, hybrid,

and a little birdie told us about Grandma's Jazz Cabbage,

so we tracked your sales to here.

Who snitched? Aah!

[snipping]

Li-Wei! Why, I oughta...

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Grandma, what has gotten into you?

Seriously! You've gone mad.

We're mad too!

We don't wanna go back to the zine biz!

Mm-mm.

I don't wanna go back to feeling useless.

Oh, Grandma...

[sobs]

[Nora] You're not useless.

Look, you built a crazy, illegal...

really systematically fucked-up drug empire.

You look so cute,

like a little criminal snow leopard or something.

- And your tattoo looks great. - Thank you.

[Nora] You're not useless.

Gonna "yes, and" that and just say

that we couldn't have gotten them this big before.

Yeah, but we still want the plants back.

Okay, okay, okay. How about this?

We'll give you... We'll give you the plants.

We'll give you the secret ingredient.

But you have to let us keep the money,

and we never see you guys again.

Side chat.

[whispering]

Sounds good to us!

All you guys said was "sss" to each other.

Sounds good to me.

And here's our secret ingredient.

What is it?

Some ancient, mystical Chinese herbal powder?

It's from CVS, you racist hobo.

Yeah, that's racist.

Now get out of my house, all of you!

- Get out of here! - Okay!

[Grandma] Get the hell out of here!

Li-Wei, especially you!

- Bye, Li-Wei. - Yeah.

Nice, Grandma.

You're wearing damn shoes in the house.

You're wearing damn shoes in the house!

You got little high-heeled booties on,

click-clacking like Big Bird out here.

Yeah, it's cute, huh?

Yeah, it's cute. Your whole outfit is cute.

Yeah, well, take off your goddamn shoes.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, are you gonna take off your shoes, though?

- [Grandma] Yeah, later. - [Nora] Okay.

I can tap dance.

[click-clacking]

[knocking on door]

- Hey, bao bao! - Hey.

I got something for you.

Holy fucking shit, Grandma!

You think this is enough to buy that car you wanna fuck?

Mandy?

Oh, man, I can't take all that, though.

Well, let's just say it's my way of an apology

for making you chop up a brick.

Thanks, Grandma.

And I also just wanna say, um...

I'm really proud of you.

Yeah, I know.

- So, should we? - Hell yeah!

[laughs]

[ding]

? I'm on my shit

? A quarter mill on my wrist

? I really do, yeah

? I'm really making these moves, yeah ?

? Turn up champagne, my album will be the scriptures ?

? Silver represents the strongest creature, yeah ?

? The proud look makes you believe in my voice ?

? Proven to represent the rap elite, yeah ?

? All eyes on me

? All eyes on me

? All eyes, all eyes

? All eyes on me

? Tough stance when I rap

? All long distance away when I rap ?

? Hey, carelessly when I rap, hey ?

? Do it with my voice, rap

[Man] Who the [bleep] is Awkwafina?

[music]

? MTV

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