Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,761 --> 00:00:04,728
PAUL: Oh.
Who's that? Hmm?
2
00:00:04,866 --> 00:00:06,316
Who's it in that picture?
3
00:00:06,454 --> 00:00:08,146
Is it Las Vegas legend
Buddy Hackett?
4
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:10,941
No.
5
00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:12,081
It's you!
6
00:00:12,219 --> 00:00:13,461
Look at that!
7
00:00:13,599 --> 00:00:16,085
It's you. It's future
phi beta kappa,
8
00:00:16,223 --> 00:00:18,294
Nobel laureate,
Pulitzer prize-winning,
9
00:00:18,432 --> 00:00:20,020
President of
the United States
Mabel Buchman.
10
00:00:20,158 --> 00:00:21,366
What do you
think of that?
11
00:00:21,504 --> 00:00:22,953
I'm gonna do it.
What's that?
12
00:00:23,092 --> 00:00:24,300
The photo album,
I'm gonna do it.
13
00:00:24,438 --> 00:00:25,749
Who said you weren't?
14
00:00:25,887 --> 00:00:26,992
So quit hocking me.
15
00:00:28,097 --> 00:00:29,029
Okay.
16
00:00:29,167 --> 00:00:30,099
Are you okay?
17
00:00:30,237 --> 00:00:31,548
I'm fine. Just
really dreading
18
00:00:31,686 --> 00:00:32,998
going to this
play tonight.
19
00:00:33,136 --> 00:00:34,413
Ah, come on,
it's for charity.
20
00:00:34,551 --> 00:00:36,346
All right, stop it.
Please stop saying
it's for charity
21
00:00:36,484 --> 00:00:37,968
like that puts
some happy face
on it.
22
00:00:39,108 --> 00:00:40,040
Okay.
23
00:00:40,178 --> 00:00:42,904
I'm having
a hair problem.
24
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,561
I'm having
a clothing problem,
25
00:00:44,699 --> 00:00:47,426
because suddenly
I'm shaped like
a Dr. Seuss character.
26
00:00:47,564 --> 00:00:49,601
So I'm not dying
to be seen in public
right now.
27
00:00:49,739 --> 00:00:50,671
All right, you know,
sweetie,
28
00:00:50,809 --> 00:00:52,362
it's gonna be
three painless hours.
29
00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:54,537
It's Pirates of Penzance
performed by your parents.
30
00:00:56,366 --> 00:00:58,644
Three Excruciating hours,
but look at it this way,
31
00:00:58,782 --> 00:01:01,544
you'll get to enjoy
the magnificent
stage direction
32
00:01:01,682 --> 00:01:02,786
of your husband.
33
00:01:02,924 --> 00:01:04,271
I don't know why
you put yourself
through it.
34
00:01:04,409 --> 00:01:05,617
Because I'm
very charitable.
35
00:01:05,755 --> 00:01:07,550
And you know what?
In fact, I got
the final rehearsal
36
00:01:07,688 --> 00:01:08,620
in half an hour,
so if you don't--
37
00:01:08,758 --> 00:01:09,655
Oh, God!
What are you doing?
38
00:01:09,793 --> 00:01:11,140
Oh, God.
39
00:01:11,278 --> 00:01:12,486
What are you doing?
40
00:01:12,624 --> 00:01:13,625
I'm editing.
41
00:01:13,763 --> 00:01:15,109
Honey, honey,
these-- these--
42
00:01:15,247 --> 00:01:16,593
Is this really
what I looked like
in the hospital?
43
00:01:16,731 --> 00:01:18,561
Not at all. No.
44
00:01:20,632 --> 00:01:21,598
Not at all?
45
00:01:21,736 --> 00:01:23,462
No. No, that--
first of all,
46
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,533
that's a crappy lens
I was using.
47
00:01:25,671 --> 00:01:27,570
And the lighting was--
it was terrible.
48
00:01:27,708 --> 00:01:28,709
And, you know,
the hospital gowns,
49
00:01:28,847 --> 00:01:30,193
they give you that
little horizontal pattern?
50
00:01:30,331 --> 00:01:31,677
You don't recognize it
but in photographs,
51
00:01:31,815 --> 00:01:32,782
it brings your eye
52
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:34,024
side to side to side
to side to side.
53
00:01:36,544 --> 00:01:37,511
You are charitable.
54
00:01:37,649 --> 00:01:38,926
Sure.
55
00:01:39,064 --> 00:01:41,135
Oh, sweetie, come on,
don't--don't tear
the pictures.
56
00:01:41,273 --> 00:01:42,792
Do you really want to
tear up all your memories?
57
00:01:42,930 --> 00:01:44,207
Look at the ass
on me there.
58
00:01:46,485 --> 00:01:48,418
Look.
Look at that one. Ugh.
59
00:01:48,556 --> 00:01:50,834
I look like one of
those little dolls
60
00:01:50,972 --> 00:01:52,077
with the hair
that sticks,
61
00:01:52,215 --> 00:01:53,872
you know, you
play with them
for good luck.
62
00:01:54,010 --> 00:01:55,045
What is wrong
with my brain?
63
00:01:55,184 --> 00:01:56,668
There's nothing wrong
with your brain.
64
00:01:56,806 --> 00:01:58,428
Where's my book?
What book?
65
00:01:58,566 --> 00:01:59,981
The book I was reading
when I went into labor,
66
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,259
with the bridges,
67
00:02:01,397 --> 00:02:02,881
the frisky lady
on the farm.
68
00:02:03,019 --> 00:02:03,951
With the bridges and--
69
00:02:04,089 --> 00:02:05,090
I got no brain!
70
00:02:06,264 --> 00:02:07,437
Can I-- Can I just
say something?
71
00:02:07,575 --> 00:02:08,749
Where the hell is Fran?
72
00:02:08,887 --> 00:02:10,095
Do you remember
what Sheila said?
73
00:02:10,233 --> 00:02:12,201
A lot of new moms,
you know, it's very common
74
00:02:12,339 --> 00:02:13,995
to have a sort of
a postpartum depression.
75
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,790
Stop it! Stop it
right there.
76
00:02:15,928 --> 00:02:17,137
Kindly do not reduce me
77
00:02:17,275 --> 00:02:19,794
to some dime-store
psychological cliche.
78
00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:21,451
No, I'm not.
I'm just say--
79
00:02:21,589 --> 00:02:23,212
Postpartum depression
is about unhappiness,
80
00:02:23,350 --> 00:02:26,007
mood swings, anxiety,
and weepiness, okay?
81
00:02:28,389 --> 00:02:29,528
I see your point.
82
00:02:29,666 --> 00:02:30,598
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
83
00:02:30,736 --> 00:02:31,634
Trolls!
What?
84
00:02:31,772 --> 00:02:33,325
The--with the--
85
00:02:33,463 --> 00:02:34,947
Trolls. Trolls.
Good for you.
86
00:02:35,085 --> 00:02:36,949
Look at that,
sweetie, huh?
Hey.
87
00:02:37,087 --> 00:02:38,710
Come in for, like,
11 hours, would you?
88
00:02:39,435 --> 00:02:40,539
Everything okay?
89
00:02:40,677 --> 00:02:41,747
Well, I have
nothing to read
90
00:02:41,885 --> 00:02:42,955
during my
hair appointment,
91
00:02:43,093 --> 00:02:45,510
which, what's the point?
Ever since Arturo left,
92
00:02:45,648 --> 00:02:47,236
I should've just bought
a big, stupid hat
93
00:02:47,374 --> 00:02:48,340
and sewn it to my head.
94
00:02:49,617 --> 00:02:51,205
Okay, here's what
you don't know.
95
00:02:51,343 --> 00:02:52,724
Arturo's back.
96
00:02:52,862 --> 00:02:55,071
What?
He is back, baby.
97
00:02:55,209 --> 00:02:56,245
Yeah, but I'm not
gonna see him.
98
00:02:56,383 --> 00:02:57,522
I'm seeing Julio,
the butcher.
99
00:02:58,799 --> 00:02:59,903
I switched you.
100
00:03:00,801 --> 00:03:01,836
How did you do that?
101
00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:02,872
I'm a mover
and a shaker,
102
00:03:03,010 --> 00:03:04,701
so I moved in,
and I shook.
103
00:03:05,944 --> 00:03:07,152
I love you!
I know.
104
00:03:07,290 --> 00:03:08,498
Oh, I love you!
105
00:03:08,636 --> 00:03:09,603
Good.
106
00:03:09,741 --> 00:03:11,018
You!
I love you!
107
00:03:13,262 --> 00:03:15,195
I love everybody.
108
00:03:15,333 --> 00:03:17,680
Okay, you should go.
I'm on Mabel duty.
109
00:03:17,818 --> 00:03:19,475
Mabel.
I love Mabel.
110
00:03:19,613 --> 00:03:20,752
Sure, you do.
111
00:03:20,890 --> 00:03:22,063
Hey, my book.
112
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,203
Now,
look at that.
113
00:03:25,170 --> 00:03:26,654
This is gonna be
a good day.
114
00:03:26,792 --> 00:03:27,759
You bet it is.
115
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,796
Postpartum depression.
Pah.
116
00:03:30,934 --> 00:03:31,970
Pah!
117
00:03:39,184 --> 00:03:41,497
♪ Hold, monsters
118
00:03:41,635 --> 00:03:45,017
♪ Ere your
pirate caravans proceed
119
00:03:47,330 --> 00:03:49,643
Paul was right
to choose her
and not me.
120
00:03:49,781 --> 00:03:50,747
What an instrument.
121
00:03:53,198 --> 00:03:54,441
What?
Nothing.
122
00:03:54,579 --> 00:03:55,580
Mrs. Buchman,
123
00:03:55,718 --> 00:03:57,064
may I see you
for a moment, please?
124
00:03:58,686 --> 00:04:00,688
Would you let it go
already about not
getting the part?
125
00:04:00,826 --> 00:04:02,897
I don't even know
what you're
talking about.
126
00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:04,278
She's doing her best.
127
00:04:04,416 --> 00:04:06,107
She doesn't need
to be heckled by
her own handmaidens.
128
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:07,247
Fine.
129
00:04:08,213 --> 00:04:09,352
Thank you very much.
130
00:04:09,490 --> 00:04:10,422
Sorry, everybody.
131
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:11,941
All right,
Mrs. Sass, please.
132
00:04:12,562 --> 00:04:13,632
[PIANO PLAYING]
133
00:04:13,770 --> 00:04:15,738
♪ Hold, monsters
134
00:04:15,876 --> 00:04:18,810
♪ Ere your
pirate caravans proceed
135
00:04:18,948 --> 00:04:20,639
♪ Against our will
136
00:04:20,777 --> 00:04:22,745
♪ To wed us all
137
00:04:22,883 --> 00:04:24,333
♪ Just bear in mind
138
00:04:24,471 --> 00:04:27,094
♪ That we are wards in chancery
139
00:04:27,232 --> 00:04:31,201
♪And father is a major-general
140
00:04:32,893 --> 00:04:34,791
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
141
00:04:42,178 --> 00:04:44,284
♪ I am the very model
142
00:04:44,422 --> 00:04:46,838
♪ Of a modern
major-general
143
00:04:46,976 --> 00:04:50,151
♪ I've information
vegetable, animal, and...
144
00:04:51,532 --> 00:04:52,637
What do I say?
145
00:04:52,775 --> 00:04:54,017
Already you're lost?
146
00:04:54,155 --> 00:04:56,848
You got 4,000 words
coming up here.
147
00:04:56,986 --> 00:04:58,677
[PIANO PLAYS VERY LOUDLY]
148
00:04:58,815 --> 00:04:59,747
It's, uh...
149
00:04:59,885 --> 00:05:00,817
Hold on a second.
150
00:05:00,955 --> 00:05:02,302
Mr. Edlin, Mr. Edlin.
151
00:05:04,580 --> 00:05:05,546
Um...
152
00:05:06,064 --> 00:05:07,030
Okay.
153
00:05:07,168 --> 00:05:09,343
You come out,
you say,
154
00:05:09,481 --> 00:05:10,689
♪ I've information,
vegetable,
155
00:05:10,827 --> 00:05:11,759
♪Animal and mineral
156
00:05:12,242 --> 00:05:13,174
Mineral!
157
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:14,244
Of course.
158
00:05:14,383 --> 00:05:15,349
All right.
159
00:05:15,763 --> 00:05:16,695
Here we go.
160
00:05:16,833 --> 00:05:19,457
[PLAYS PIANO]
161
00:05:26,429 --> 00:05:28,224
♪ I am the very model
162
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:30,502
♪ Of a modern
major-general
163
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:33,436
♪ I've information
vegetable, animal
164
00:05:33,574 --> 00:05:35,162
♪ And mineral
165
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:36,957
♪ I know the kings
of England
166
00:05:37,095 --> 00:05:39,339
♪ And I quote
the fights hysterical
167
00:05:40,270 --> 00:05:42,134
Whoa, whoa,
hold on, hold on, Pop.
168
00:05:42,272 --> 00:05:43,377
Let me just correct
you there a second.
169
00:05:43,515 --> 00:05:45,206
What is it now?
Sorry to bother
you again.
170
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,276
Hang on a second.
171
00:05:46,415 --> 00:05:48,865
[PIANO PLAYS VERY LOUDLY]
172
00:05:57,184 --> 00:05:58,461
It's, uh...
173
00:05:58,599 --> 00:06:00,532
It's "fights historical,"
not "fights hysterical."
174
00:06:00,670 --> 00:06:01,913
Really?
Yeah.
175
00:06:02,051 --> 00:06:03,121
Oh, I think
it should be
"hysterical."
176
00:06:04,433 --> 00:06:05,468
What are you
talking about?
177
00:06:05,606 --> 00:06:07,332
Well, you're in a fight,
you're running around,
178
00:06:07,470 --> 00:06:09,058
you're stabbing people.
179
00:06:09,196 --> 00:06:10,197
You're hysterical!
180
00:06:11,025 --> 00:06:12,441
You make a very
good point.
181
00:06:12,579 --> 00:06:14,201
Mr. Edlin,
anti-exertion, please?
182
00:06:15,271 --> 00:06:16,272
Thank you.
183
00:06:22,485 --> 00:06:26,109
Ahh, how are
my two beauties?
184
00:06:26,247 --> 00:06:28,560
Wonderful, Arturo.
I can't wait for you
to fix me up,
185
00:06:28,698 --> 00:06:29,872
you genius, you.
186
00:06:30,010 --> 00:06:31,494
Jamie, I am not
a genius.
187
00:06:31,632 --> 00:06:34,394
I merely liberate
the beauty that is
already within you.
188
00:06:34,532 --> 00:06:35,774
[GIGGLES]
189
00:06:35,912 --> 00:06:36,948
Okay,
be more charming.
190
00:06:37,086 --> 00:06:38,156
No, it's true.
191
00:06:38,294 --> 00:06:39,675
I cannot help but
see the gorgeousness
192
00:06:39,813 --> 00:06:41,193
whether you're
a young sapling
193
00:06:41,331 --> 00:06:42,298
Just starting out
in life,
194
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,404
or a maturing oak,
195
00:06:44,542 --> 00:06:46,647
whose leaves are
beginning to turn.
196
00:06:51,652 --> 00:06:52,584
Arturo.
197
00:06:52,722 --> 00:06:53,689
I walk away.
198
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,041
This is my
practice hair.
199
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:07,427
I'm sorry?
200
00:07:08,082 --> 00:07:09,256
For my wedding.
201
00:07:09,946 --> 00:07:11,223
My boyfriend--
202
00:07:11,361 --> 00:07:14,675
My fiancé Russell and I
are getting married.
203
00:07:14,813 --> 00:07:15,780
Congratulations.
204
00:07:15,918 --> 00:07:17,091
We're very happy.
205
00:07:17,747 --> 00:07:19,093
Good for you.
206
00:07:19,231 --> 00:07:20,198
Are you married?
207
00:07:20,336 --> 00:07:21,337
Oh, yeah.
208
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,616
Yep.
209
00:07:24,754 --> 00:07:26,549
I'm married.
210
00:07:26,687 --> 00:07:27,792
You betcha.
211
00:07:28,275 --> 00:07:29,172
Mm-hmm.
212
00:07:29,310 --> 00:07:31,381
And he's great.
He really is.
213
00:07:31,830 --> 00:07:33,038
He tries.
214
00:07:33,176 --> 00:07:34,384
Especially
with the kid.
215
00:07:34,523 --> 00:07:36,248
Oh, he cleans up
a mess or two,
216
00:07:36,386 --> 00:07:37,560
Here and there,
217
00:07:37,698 --> 00:07:38,906
and I'm supposed
to give him
a standing ovation.
218
00:07:39,044 --> 00:07:41,978
Thank you.
Oh, thank you!
219
00:07:42,116 --> 00:07:44,533
While I'm stuck here
all day cleaning up
projectile everything,
220
00:07:44,671 --> 00:07:45,982
but you, go, go,
221
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,639
Off to work
on your film,
222
00:07:47,777 --> 00:07:49,365
putting together
the oldest possible cast
223
00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:50,435
Of pirates of penzance.
224
00:07:50,573 --> 00:07:52,161
Mmm, gotta go,
it's for charity.
225
00:07:52,299 --> 00:07:53,473
See you later.
226
00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:58,478
So I get
half an hour here,
227
00:07:58,616 --> 00:07:59,617
before I have to
race home
228
00:07:59,755 --> 00:08:01,826
so that his daughter
can actually suck on me.
229
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:05,208
Fifteen times a day.
230
00:08:05,346 --> 00:08:06,520
I don't have
enough energy
to use a q-tip,
231
00:08:06,658 --> 00:08:07,935
let alone put together
a photo album,
232
00:08:08,073 --> 00:08:10,455
featuring me
and my magic stomach.
233
00:08:10,593 --> 00:08:12,699
Your body? Ho ho.
No, no. That's over.
234
00:08:12,837 --> 00:08:15,184
That's just gone forever,
which is fine, actually,
235
00:08:15,322 --> 00:08:17,704
'cause it's not like
you ever want him to
touch you again anyway.
236
00:08:17,842 --> 00:08:19,706
I'd just as soon
stab his eyes out
with a shrimp fork.
237
00:08:26,367 --> 00:08:27,576
How many bridesmaids
you having?
238
00:08:32,063 --> 00:08:34,237
[PIANO PLAYS]
239
00:08:41,866 --> 00:08:43,626
♪ I am the very model
240
00:08:43,764 --> 00:08:45,732
♪ Of a modern
major-general
241
00:08:45,870 --> 00:08:48,320
♪ I've information
vegetable, animal
242
00:08:48,458 --> 00:08:49,839
♪ And mineral
243
00:08:49,977 --> 00:08:51,979
♪ I know the kings
of England
244
00:08:52,117 --> 00:08:55,086
♪ And I quote
the fights historical
245
00:08:55,224 --> 00:08:57,295
♪ From marathon
to waterloo
246
00:08:57,433 --> 00:08:58,986
♪ In order categorical
247
00:08:59,124 --> 00:09:00,091
Good, Pop.
248
00:09:00,229 --> 00:09:02,127
I know!
I can't believe it.
249
00:09:02,265 --> 00:09:03,232
Tell me later.
250
00:09:03,612 --> 00:09:05,096
Um...
251
00:09:05,234 --> 00:09:07,754
♪ I'm very
well-acquainted, too
252
00:09:07,892 --> 00:09:10,101
♪ With matters
mathematical
253
00:09:10,239 --> 00:09:11,792
♪ I understand equations
254
00:09:11,930 --> 00:09:14,415
♪ Both the simple
and quadratical
255
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,245
♪ About binomial theorem
256
00:09:16,383 --> 00:09:19,420
♪ I am teeming
with a lot of news
257
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,319
♪ With many
cheerful facts
258
00:09:21,457 --> 00:09:25,599
♪ About the square
of the hypotenuse
259
00:09:25,737 --> 00:09:26,980
[ALL SINGING]
♪ With many cheerful facts
260
00:09:27,118 --> 00:09:29,430
♪ About the square
of the hypotenuse ♪
261
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,363
Good. That was good.
That was great, Pop.
262
00:09:32,433 --> 00:09:33,538
That was very good.
263
00:09:33,676 --> 00:09:34,608
Hang on one second.
264
00:09:34,746 --> 00:09:35,920
One little--
hang on one second.
265
00:09:36,058 --> 00:09:37,922
One little thing--
hold it just one second.
266
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:42,064
[PIANO CONTINUES TO PLAY]
267
00:09:42,202 --> 00:09:43,272
You're supposed to be--
268
00:09:43,410 --> 00:09:44,722
Mr. Edlin!
269
00:09:44,860 --> 00:09:45,930
Thank you, thank you.
270
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:51,591
Sorry.
271
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,455
When you get to
"lot o' news,"
272
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,941
you can't find a word
that rhymes right away.
273
00:09:57,079 --> 00:09:58,528
What you want to do
is think about it--
274
00:09:58,667 --> 00:09:59,599
♪ A lot o' news ♪
275
00:09:59,737 --> 00:10:00,703
♪ A lot o' news ♪
276
00:10:00,841 --> 00:10:01,946
Like in your mind
you're thinking,
277
00:10:02,084 --> 00:10:03,050
what rhymes
with "lot o' news"?
278
00:10:03,188 --> 00:10:05,259
Then you realize-- ♪ hypotenuse ♪
279
00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:06,847
But I don't have to
think about it.
280
00:10:06,985 --> 00:10:08,504
The guy who wrote it
had to think about it.
281
00:10:09,436 --> 00:10:12,059
Of course, yes.
But in the story,
282
00:10:12,197 --> 00:10:14,510
the idea is that
the character
is making it up
283
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:16,408
As he goes along,
so he's got to
think about it.
284
00:10:16,546 --> 00:10:18,134
That's it.
That's why.
Come on.
285
00:10:18,272 --> 00:10:19,446
That's what it is.
286
00:10:20,861 --> 00:10:21,828
What do you know?
287
00:10:21,966 --> 00:10:22,932
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
288
00:10:23,070 --> 00:10:25,038
But you did great.
You're just doing great.
289
00:10:25,176 --> 00:10:27,903
Pirates, very spirited.
Really very good.
290
00:10:28,041 --> 00:10:29,836
And maidens, just...
291
00:10:29,974 --> 00:10:32,045
Demure and yet fetching.
292
00:10:32,770 --> 00:10:34,150
PAUL: Yes.
293
00:10:34,288 --> 00:10:35,289
It's wonderful.
I'll tell you,
294
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:37,464
I, for one,
I smell a hit, people.
295
00:10:42,745 --> 00:10:45,334
PAUL: Wow, that's
a great haircut.
296
00:10:45,472 --> 00:10:46,576
I left
before the haircut.
297
00:10:48,302 --> 00:10:49,821
Well... Okay.
298
00:10:49,959 --> 00:10:51,961
So, guess what I did
on the way home.
299
00:10:52,099 --> 00:10:54,515
I stopped off to see
2 old friends of ours.
300
00:10:56,138 --> 00:10:57,346
Ben and jerry!
301
00:10:57,484 --> 00:10:59,072
Yes!
302
00:10:59,866 --> 00:11:02,144
Hello, boys,
how you been?
303
00:11:02,282 --> 00:11:03,455
Yeah.
304
00:11:03,593 --> 00:11:05,388
The world's
best vanilla.
305
00:11:05,526 --> 00:11:06,666
Oh, you really are.
306
00:11:06,804 --> 00:11:07,736
Yes!
307
00:11:07,874 --> 00:11:08,806
Chubby hubby.
308
00:11:08,944 --> 00:11:10,359
And yet I bought it.
309
00:11:10,497 --> 00:11:11,740
You are a good man.
310
00:11:11,878 --> 00:11:13,949
I understand.
All right, so
listen to this.
311
00:11:14,087 --> 00:11:15,053
We get through
the first act
312
00:11:15,191 --> 00:11:16,917
in a blazing
five and a half hours.
313
00:11:17,055 --> 00:11:18,505
All right,
so I'm thrilled,
314
00:11:18,643 --> 00:11:19,989
I'm delighted.
315
00:11:20,127 --> 00:11:21,266
I'm leaving you
for Ben. I hope
you understand.
316
00:11:21,404 --> 00:11:25,754
Fine. So then, Mrs. Sass,
the ingenue in the piece,
317
00:11:25,892 --> 00:11:26,927
she gets a phone call.
318
00:11:27,065 --> 00:11:28,032
She comes back
from the phone call.
319
00:11:28,170 --> 00:11:30,172
She says, "I have to
quit the show."
320
00:11:30,310 --> 00:11:32,243
She quits four hours
before the curtain.
You believe this?
321
00:11:32,381 --> 00:11:34,555
So, I don't know,
some cockamamie thing
322
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,454
about her daughter
who canceled her wedding
323
00:11:36,592 --> 00:11:37,869
because she was
in a beauty parlor,
324
00:11:38,007 --> 00:11:39,526
and some lunatic woman.
I don't know.
325
00:11:39,664 --> 00:11:40,838
said something to her.
326
00:11:44,427 --> 00:11:46,844
I mean, it's like
the craziest thing
you ever heard.
327
00:11:46,982 --> 00:11:48,397
You gotta be
kidding me.
328
00:11:48,535 --> 00:11:50,640
So now I gotta
eat some ice cream,
329
00:11:50,779 --> 00:11:52,884
I gotta run back,
I gotta beg my mother
to do the part.
330
00:11:53,022 --> 00:11:55,438
That's gonna be
another mallet
to the kneecap
331
00:11:55,576 --> 00:11:57,199
of an already
limping production.
332
00:12:00,374 --> 00:12:02,342
Aw, sweetie, it's okay.
It's just a play.
333
00:12:04,793 --> 00:12:06,691
What, you're
slowing down on your
chubby hubby there.
334
00:12:06,829 --> 00:12:08,106
What's the matter?
335
00:12:08,244 --> 00:12:10,005
I don't deserve
chubby hubby.
336
00:12:10,143 --> 00:12:11,385
Sure you do.
Hey, try some of this.
337
00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:13,525
I don't deserve
the world's
best vanilla.
338
00:12:13,663 --> 00:12:15,493
Yeah, sure you--
Why, because
of the calories?
339
00:12:15,631 --> 00:12:17,253
No, because
I'm a bad person.
340
00:12:17,391 --> 00:12:19,842
What's that
supposed to mean
about the calories?
341
00:12:19,980 --> 00:12:21,844
No, no, nothing.
I knew it was because
you were a bad person.
342
00:12:21,982 --> 00:12:22,949
Give me that.
343
00:12:23,087 --> 00:12:24,019
I wasn't
actually finished.
344
00:12:24,157 --> 00:12:25,745
It's 20,000 calories.
345
00:12:25,883 --> 00:12:27,850
This stuff is
eating me alive!
346
00:12:29,645 --> 00:12:30,577
You know what?
347
00:12:30,715 --> 00:12:32,096
Who needs it?
I don't need it.
348
00:12:33,166 --> 00:12:34,270
Okay.
349
00:12:34,408 --> 00:12:35,375
I have to
get out of here.
350
00:12:35,513 --> 00:12:37,411
Let's go in
the living room, huh?
351
00:12:37,549 --> 00:12:40,345
Raise Mabel well,
and tell her a lot
of stories about me.
352
00:12:40,483 --> 00:12:41,588
What are you
talking about?
353
00:12:41,726 --> 00:12:43,866
I like you.
You're a nice man.
You really are.
354
00:12:44,004 --> 00:12:45,488
I'm sorry it
didn't work out.
I blame myself.
355
00:12:47,283 --> 00:12:49,630
There's $200 hidden
in the Al Franken book.
356
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,598
Listen, you cannot
walk out the door.
357
00:12:51,736 --> 00:12:52,668
Ha.
358
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:54,463
Honey, honey, let me
just say I'm sorry.
359
00:12:54,601 --> 00:12:55,775
I'm really--
I'm very sorry.
360
00:12:57,259 --> 00:12:58,467
About what?
361
00:12:58,605 --> 00:12:59,779
See, that
I couldn't tell you.
Good-bye.
362
00:13:01,539 --> 00:13:02,782
You can't--
you can't leave.
363
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:03,955
You're a mother now.
364
00:13:04,093 --> 00:13:06,440
I'm a lunatic.
I'm a loose cannon.
365
00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:07,959
Trust me, everybody
will be better off.
366
00:13:08,097 --> 00:13:09,305
You're not a lunatic.
367
00:13:09,443 --> 00:13:11,791
Listen, you are
the heart and soul
of this operation.
368
00:13:11,929 --> 00:13:13,827
You're the backbone.
You cannot leave.
369
00:13:16,968 --> 00:13:17,935
You're right.
Get out.
370
00:13:19,005 --> 00:13:19,971
What?
371
00:13:20,109 --> 00:13:21,110
Go on, beat it.
372
00:13:21,248 --> 00:13:22,215
I'm sick of
the sight of you.
373
00:13:22,353 --> 00:13:24,182
Hey, look what
some psycho did.
374
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:25,839
This stuff's
like $6.00 a carton.
375
00:13:33,329 --> 00:13:34,330
Uh-oh.
376
00:13:40,026 --> 00:13:41,855
BURT: A, e, ah, oh, ooh.
377
00:13:41,993 --> 00:13:43,615
A, e, ah, oh, ooh.
378
00:13:44,306 --> 00:13:45,479
A, e, ah, oh--
379
00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:46,687
You okay, Pop?
380
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,449
I'm okay.
I'm just doing
my vocal exercise.
381
00:13:49,587 --> 00:13:51,347
You know,
the vowel sounds.
Good.
382
00:13:51,485 --> 00:13:53,073
A, e, ah, oh, ooh.
383
00:13:53,211 --> 00:13:54,592
And sometimes "y."
384
00:13:54,730 --> 00:13:55,904
"Y."
385
00:13:56,663 --> 00:13:58,423
All right,
very good.
386
00:13:58,561 --> 00:14:00,840
All right, just the person
I'm looking for.
387
00:14:00,978 --> 00:14:01,979
Forget it.
388
00:14:02,117 --> 00:14:03,049
Oh, come on, ma.
389
00:14:03,187 --> 00:14:04,395
You know you want
to play the part.
390
00:14:04,533 --> 00:14:06,086
Once, maybe.
Not anymore.
391
00:14:07,674 --> 00:14:08,744
Look,
you know what, ma?
392
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:10,435
Let me explain to you.
393
00:14:10,573 --> 00:14:13,059
I would've made
a wonderful pirate queen.
394
00:14:13,197 --> 00:14:16,648
I would've known my lines
backwards and forwards.
395
00:14:16,786 --> 00:14:18,305
If you had cast me.
396
00:14:18,443 --> 00:14:19,410
But you didn't.
397
00:14:19,548 --> 00:14:22,585
And now, do you think
David O. Selznick
398
00:14:22,723 --> 00:14:24,104
Went up to Vivian Leigh
399
00:14:24,242 --> 00:14:26,106
five Minutes before
the civil war
400
00:14:26,244 --> 00:14:29,696
and asked her if
she wanted to be
in Gone With the Wind?
401
00:14:29,834 --> 00:14:31,732
You know what?
If you don't
want to do it, fine.
402
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,321
I'm gonna go over
and ask Mrs. Menken.
403
00:14:34,459 --> 00:14:37,738
Don't do that to her.
She's nervous enough already.
404
00:14:38,498 --> 00:14:39,395
All right,
Mrs. Emsh.
405
00:14:39,533 --> 00:14:40,500
No!
406
00:14:40,638 --> 00:14:42,605
She has to keep
her feet elevated.
407
00:14:44,021 --> 00:14:45,401
Fine, you know what
I'm gonna do, ma?
408
00:14:45,539 --> 00:14:47,472
I'm gonna go out there,
and I am going
to apologize,
409
00:14:47,610 --> 00:14:50,130
and I'm going to explain
to the nice people
in the audience
410
00:14:50,268 --> 00:14:52,029
and to the little
sisters of the blind
411
00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:54,100
that, go home,
everybody,
412
00:14:54,238 --> 00:14:56,412
there will be
no performance tonight.
413
00:14:56,550 --> 00:14:57,551
All right.
414
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:00,865
What?
I'll do it.
415
00:15:01,003 --> 00:15:03,005
I'll be your pirate queen.
416
00:15:03,143 --> 00:15:04,386
Really?
417
00:15:04,524 --> 00:15:06,940
Yeah, I'll tape the lines
to Mr. Balsky's parrot.
418
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,840
See? Where
there's a will,
there's a way.
419
00:15:10,979 --> 00:15:12,152
But only because
420
00:15:12,290 --> 00:15:13,809
I don't want my son
to look bad.
421
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:15,052
You're
a wonderful person.
422
00:15:15,190 --> 00:15:17,709
Just promise me
I won't humiliate myself.
423
00:15:17,847 --> 00:15:19,263
Yukka yukka yukka.
424
00:15:19,401 --> 00:15:20,954
Yukka yukka
yukka yukka.
425
00:15:21,092 --> 00:15:23,336
I don't think
you have to worry
about that, ma.
426
00:15:25,338 --> 00:15:27,305
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
427
00:15:28,858 --> 00:15:30,653
You know, you pour
your life into a child.
428
00:15:30,791 --> 00:15:31,758
I know.
429
00:15:31,896 --> 00:15:33,587
You die for them
a thousand times over
430
00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:35,348
Just so they'll
have a chance
to live and be happy.
431
00:15:35,486 --> 00:15:37,039
I know.
432
00:15:37,177 --> 00:15:38,282
Then you see them
standing on the brink
of that happiness.
433
00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:39,593
Yeah.
434
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,388
Some freak comes along
and ruins everything.
435
00:15:42,424 --> 00:15:43,390
Mom...
436
00:15:43,528 --> 00:15:45,772
Destroys
a young girl's life.
437
00:15:45,910 --> 00:15:47,912
Not to mention
a perfectly
good production
438
00:15:48,050 --> 00:15:49,431
of the Pirates
of Penzance.
439
00:15:50,328 --> 00:15:51,571
Mrs. Sass,
Roberta,
440
00:15:51,709 --> 00:15:54,022
I'm sorry.
I really am.
441
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:55,920
I'm going
through a...
442
00:15:56,058 --> 00:15:57,439
I don't know what it is.
I just had a baby--
443
00:15:57,577 --> 00:15:59,372
Postpartum depression.
444
00:15:59,510 --> 00:16:02,099
I-- I really--
I just resist that label.
445
00:16:02,237 --> 00:16:03,203
Are you postpartum?
446
00:16:03,514 --> 00:16:04,480
Yeah.
447
00:16:04,618 --> 00:16:05,550
Are you in a depression?
448
00:16:05,688 --> 00:16:06,620
Yeah.
449
00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:08,139
All right.
450
00:16:09,934 --> 00:16:10,900
It goes away,
you know.
451
00:16:11,039 --> 00:16:12,212
Really?
452
00:16:12,350 --> 00:16:14,387
My daughter's 24 years old.
You know when mine ended?
453
00:16:14,525 --> 00:16:15,526
Mrs. Sass.
454
00:16:15,664 --> 00:16:16,976
6 Months ago
when she got engaged.
455
00:16:18,529 --> 00:16:19,426
And now, guess what.
456
00:16:19,564 --> 00:16:20,496
What's that?
457
00:16:20,634 --> 00:16:21,601
It's back.
458
00:16:22,119 --> 00:16:23,465
I understand.
459
00:16:23,603 --> 00:16:25,674
So help me out here.
Make my joy return.
460
00:16:28,297 --> 00:16:29,229
Roberta,
461
00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:30,748
um,
462
00:16:30,886 --> 00:16:32,577
In spite of
my little tirade
463
00:16:32,715 --> 00:16:34,165
at the beauty parlor,
464
00:16:34,303 --> 00:16:36,236
I love my husband
very much.
465
00:16:36,892 --> 00:16:37,824
Really?
466
00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:38,998
Absolutely.
467
00:16:39,136 --> 00:16:41,552
That's exactly
what we came to hear.
468
00:16:41,690 --> 00:16:43,002
Okay, can we
call Russell?
469
00:16:43,140 --> 00:16:44,141
I don't know.
470
00:16:45,107 --> 00:16:46,660
Roberta,
471
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:49,077
marrying Paul
and having his child
472
00:16:49,215 --> 00:16:51,769
are the two smartest
things I ever did
in my life.
473
00:16:52,252 --> 00:16:53,219
You mean it?
474
00:16:54,185 --> 00:16:56,153
Isn't that sweet?
475
00:16:56,291 --> 00:16:57,257
All right?
476
00:16:58,845 --> 00:17:00,571
Well, i--
Close enough.
477
00:17:10,236 --> 00:17:13,480
♪ Hold, monsters, ere your pr--
478
00:17:13,618 --> 00:17:15,793
♪ Pirate caravans proceed
479
00:17:15,931 --> 00:17:18,313
♪ To wed us all
480
00:17:20,936 --> 00:17:23,732
Mr. Barsky,
your parrot.
481
00:17:25,768 --> 00:17:27,460
♪ Just-- ♪ Just bear in mind
482
00:17:27,598 --> 00:17:30,083
♪ That we are wards
♪ In chancery
483
00:17:30,221 --> 00:17:31,326
Thank you.
484
00:17:31,464 --> 00:17:34,570
♪ And father is
a major-general
485
00:17:44,511 --> 00:17:46,410
♪ I am the very model
486
00:17:46,548 --> 00:17:48,826
♪ Of a modern
major-general
487
00:17:48,964 --> 00:17:51,587
♪ I've information
vegetable, animal
488
00:17:51,725 --> 00:17:52,899
and mineral
489
00:17:53,037 --> 00:17:54,383
♪ I know the kings
of England♪
490
00:17:54,521 --> 00:17:56,489
Hi.
Hi.
491
00:17:58,698 --> 00:18:00,079
Hi. How you doing?
492
00:18:00,217 --> 00:18:02,046
How's it going so far?
493
00:18:02,184 --> 00:18:04,738
Oh, Gilbert would
gouge Sullivan's
eyes out.
494
00:18:06,257 --> 00:18:08,190
♪ I understand equations
495
00:18:08,328 --> 00:18:10,779
♪ Both the simple
and quadratical
496
00:18:10,917 --> 00:18:12,539
♪ About binomial theorem
497
00:18:12,677 --> 00:18:15,956
♪ I am teeming
with a lot of news
498
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,096
Lot o' news?
499
00:18:17,751 --> 00:18:18,752
Lot o' news?
500
00:18:19,650 --> 00:18:20,582
Lot o' news.
501
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:21,686
Paul.
502
00:18:22,342 --> 00:18:23,343
I told him to do that.
503
00:18:23,481 --> 00:18:24,758
He's acting.
You believe it?
504
00:18:26,035 --> 00:18:27,106
Lot of news.
505
00:18:27,244 --> 00:18:28,210
Well, he's brilliant.
506
00:18:30,661 --> 00:18:31,731
Lot o' news?
507
00:18:31,869 --> 00:18:32,973
Oh, boy.
508
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,630
Sing something.
509
00:18:38,531 --> 00:18:41,568
♪ And I should probably
sing something
510
00:18:41,706 --> 00:18:44,019
♪ I mean, what have I
got to lose? ♪
511
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,883
[ALL SINGING]
♪ And he should probably
sing something
512
00:18:46,021 --> 00:18:48,299
♪ I mean, what has he♪
got to lose?
513
00:18:50,025 --> 00:18:51,095
♪ I...
514
00:18:51,233 --> 00:18:54,271
♪ Used to be
in sporting goods
515
00:18:54,409 --> 00:18:56,342
♪ But then I gave
the place away
516
00:18:57,619 --> 00:18:59,931
♪ I'm in semi-retirement
517
00:19:00,069 --> 00:19:02,417
♪ Let me tell you
that's okay
518
00:19:02,555 --> 00:19:04,453
♪ My son's
the big director
519
00:19:04,591 --> 00:19:07,387
♪ And he's standing
in the back somewhere
520
00:19:07,525 --> 00:19:09,562
♪ And there's his wife
named Jamie
521
00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:11,840
♪ Look at that,
she's got some pretty hair
522
00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:14,877
♪ Our Paul was such
a good boy
523
00:19:15,015 --> 00:19:17,259
♪ We had nothing
to complain about
524
00:19:17,397 --> 00:19:19,434
♪ Except one time
we came home early
525
00:19:19,572 --> 00:19:20,676
♪ And he had
his shmekkie out
526
00:19:23,576 --> 00:19:25,405
[ALL SINGING]
♪ Except one time
he came home early
527
00:19:25,543 --> 00:19:27,235
♪ And he had
his shmekkie out♪
528
00:19:29,582 --> 00:19:32,309
♪ In short, in matters
vegetable, animal
529
00:19:32,447 --> 00:19:33,413
♪ And mineral
530
00:19:33,551 --> 00:19:34,828
♪ I am the very model
531
00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:36,520
♪ Of the modern
major-general
532
00:19:36,658 --> 00:19:38,625
[ALL SINGING]
♪ In short, in matters
vegetable
533
00:19:38,763 --> 00:19:40,213
♪ Animal and mineral
534
00:19:40,351 --> 00:19:42,042
♪ He is the very model of
535
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:47,945
♪ The modern
major-general ♪
536
00:19:56,298 --> 00:19:58,266
That was the single
greatest evening
537
00:19:58,404 --> 00:19:59,922
I've ever spent
in the theater.
538
00:20:01,579 --> 00:20:04,306
Yeah, the pirates
who humiliated their son.
539
00:20:07,136 --> 00:20:08,172
Let's see,
540
00:20:08,310 --> 00:20:10,623
Complain about,
complain about.
541
00:20:10,761 --> 00:20:12,763
What in world
rhymes with complain?
542
00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:13,833
Oh, I got it!
543
00:20:13,971 --> 00:20:15,214
Shmekkie out.
544
00:20:18,562 --> 00:20:19,528
Just explain to me,
545
00:20:19,666 --> 00:20:22,669
why would
the man's mind
even go there?
546
00:20:22,807 --> 00:20:24,878
Why there?
I've done so many
wonderful things
547
00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:26,155
in my life.
548
00:20:26,294 --> 00:20:27,295
He could've
summoned up
549
00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:29,711
I won a spelling bee
one time.
550
00:20:29,849 --> 00:20:31,851
I had a paper route.
551
00:20:31,989 --> 00:20:33,715
By the way, rhymes
with complain about.
552
00:20:35,475 --> 00:20:36,545
I took
the garbage out.
553
00:20:37,339 --> 00:20:38,340
I was a nice
cub scout.
554
00:20:38,478 --> 00:20:40,100
All these things
he chose to ignore.
555
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,551
I found it a very
educational evening.
556
00:20:42,689 --> 00:20:43,863
Yeah. You know
what we learned?
557
00:20:44,001 --> 00:20:45,071
Here's what we learned.
558
00:20:45,209 --> 00:20:46,935
if you're 11
and you're alone
in your room,
559
00:20:47,073 --> 00:20:48,971
lock your doors, people.
560
00:20:54,114 --> 00:20:55,737
All right, let's
take it easy.
561
00:20:55,875 --> 00:20:57,980
So I can never go out
of the house again. Ever.
562
00:20:58,118 --> 00:21:00,328
Come on. Let's just
laugh it off
and move on.
563
00:21:00,466 --> 00:21:02,778
It's so true.
No good deed
goes unpunished.
564
00:21:02,916 --> 00:21:04,263
Look at it this way.
565
00:21:04,401 --> 00:21:05,816
Aren't you happy
your parents
love you so much,
566
00:21:05,954 --> 00:21:07,507
They want to share
every detail--
567
00:21:07,645 --> 00:21:09,544
Don't--don't--
don't do that.
568
00:21:09,682 --> 00:21:11,131
Don't put
a happy face on this.
569
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:12,995
Would you let me
have this?
I'm depressed now.
570
00:21:13,133 --> 00:21:14,376
Well, snap out of it
already.
571
00:21:28,390 --> 00:21:30,081
♪ Now the show is done
572
00:21:30,219 --> 00:21:32,532
♪ And we can all watch
as the credits roll
573
00:21:32,670 --> 00:21:34,534
♪ They have a list
of all the folks
574
00:21:34,672 --> 00:21:36,881
♪ Who work here,
see, it's on a scroll
575
00:21:37,019 --> 00:21:38,504
♪ Look at all the people
576
00:21:38,642 --> 00:21:40,782
♪ That it takes to make
a TV show
577
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:42,162
♪ Sixty-four of them
578
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,475
♪ I gotta tell you
I don't even know
579
00:21:44,613 --> 00:21:46,408
♪ This song is stuck
within my head
580
00:21:46,546 --> 00:21:48,307
♪ There's no way
I can go to bed
581
00:21:48,445 --> 00:21:50,205
♪ Let's ask this man
whose name is Ed
582
00:21:50,343 --> 00:21:52,414
♪ Is there another
song instead? ♪
583
00:21:57,971 --> 00:21:59,352
Thank you.
39846
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof