Original subtitles

(playing "Malagueña")

THAT WAS THE MOST AMAZING

17 MINUTES OF MY LIFE, CHARO.

BUT OF COURSE. I'M CHARO!

HOW DID YOU GET TO BE

SO AMAZING, CHARO?

I WANNA BE THE BEST,

AND NOW I AM.

TELL ME, WHAT IS IT

THAT YOU WANT, CHLOE?

I WANNA DESTROY MY ROOMMATE.

♪♪♪

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

(June) THERE ARE

OVER 4,000 PLACES TO DINE

IN NEW YORK.

THEY SAY THAT IF YOU WERE

TO EAT AT A DIFFERENT RESTAURANT

EVERY DAY,

YOU COULD GO YEARS

WITHOUT EATING AT THE SAME--

OH, MY GOD!

WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!

YOU ARE CONSTANTLY SPEWING OUT

FACTS ABOUT NEW YORK

THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT!

(indistinct conversations)

ONE.

SO, MOM AND DAD, UM,

HOW LONG YOU IN TOWN FOR?

OH, JUST FOR TONIGHT.

WE HAD A FEW MATTERS

WE WANTED TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.

PRIVATE MATTERS.

SURPRISED HE INVITED FRIENDS.

MORE WINE?

NO WINE FOR ME.

I'M STICKING WITH CUCHI-CUCHIS.

THAT DRINK'S NAMED AFTER CHARO.

CHARO IS CHLOE'S CHER.

NO, CHARO IS CHLOE'S CHARO.

CHER DOESN'T EVEN FACTOR IN.

(ice cubes rattle)

THESE DRINKS ARE AS STRONG

AS AN ORANGUTAN.

(panting) GUYS,

YOU'RE BEING ROBBED.

I SAW A MAN IN YOUR APARTMENT

THROUGH THE WINDOW.

OH, MY GOD. W-W-WHY DIDN'T YOU

CALL THE COPS?

I KNEW THAT WOULD BE

YOUR FIRST QUESTION.

AS I WAS RUNNING HERE,

I COULD HEAR YOU ASKING ME

THAT QUESTION IN MY MIND,

BUT I WAS ALREADY MOVING.

W-WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU

CALL US?!

I KNEW THAT WOULD BE

YOUR SECOND QUESTION. I...

I SHOULD PROBABLY

GO WITH THEM.

I, UH, I PLAYED A POLICE OFFICER

IN MY LAST MOVIE.

SWEETIE?

I--A BOBBY, ACTUALLY.

TURN OF THE CENTURY ENGLAND.

DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A GUN.

I JUST CARRIED A CANDLESTICK

AND SOME KEYS.

WOW. LOOK AT THOSE POTATOES.

WAIT. WHY AREN'T WE CALLING

THE COPS?

NO COPS. NEVER COPS.

JUST A TRANQ GUN.

(door bangs open)

(creaks)

BLOW HIS BRAINS OUT!

SHOOT HIM!

HELLO, CHLOE.

TAKE THE SHOT!

TOMMY! DAMN IT,

YOU SCARED ME.

RELAX. IT'S JUST TOMMY,

MY PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR.

WHAT? YOU HAVE

A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR?

I FOUND HER, CHLOE.

I FOUND TRISH.

WHAT? WHO IS TRISH?

THE ORIGINAL BITCH

IN APARTMENT 23. (crunches)

(bag crinkles)

I SAW YOU ALSO FOUND

OUR NUT DRAWER.

TOMMY DOYLE.

CHLOE HIRED ME TO FIND A WOMAN

NAMED TRISH OSBORNE.

HEY, CHATTERBOX!

(hits arm)

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE

A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR.

WHEN CHLOE WAS 18,

SHE CAME TO NEW YORK

AND MOVED INTO APARTMENT 23

WITH TRISH.

(door creaks)

HI! I'M CHLOE.

SAVE IT. NO NAMES.

IT'LL MAKE IT EASIER

WHEN YOU LEAVE NEW YORK

AND RUN BACK

TO YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE CRYING

BECAUSE THE CITY WAS

TOO HARD.

BUT HEY, AT LEAST

THE THREE WEEKS YOU LAST HERE

WILL GIVE YOU ENOUGH

COCKTAIL PARTY MATERIAL

FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS OF YOUR

HUSBAND'S DENTIST FUNCTIONS.

I'M NOT RUNNING ANYWHERE.

I'M ONLY AFRAID OF ONE THING

IN THIS WORLD,

AND SINCE YOU AREN'T

STEVEN SEAGAL'S PONYTAIL,

IT ISN'T YOU.

CHAMPAGNE?

OKAY.

(Tommy) CHLOE AND TRISH

HIT IT OFF.

(laughs)

HOW DID YOU KNOW

WHEN YOU ASKED

IF SOMEBODY HAD A TATTOO

OF A BABY'S FACE

THAT THEY WOULD SAY "YES"?

'CAUSE THAT LADY WAS

PUSHING ALL THOSE BEERS

IN AN EMPTY STROLLER.

SHE TAUGHT YOU

YOUR PSYCHIC SCAM?

THAT'S, LIKE,

YOUR FAVORITE SCAM.

OH, TRISH TAUGHT CHLOE A LOT,

AND EVENTUALLY, CHLOE FELT

SAFE ENOUGH TO SHARE HER DREAM.

YOU LIKE A GOOD STORY,

DON'T YOU, TOM?

(turns on TV)

(Nelly's "Hot in Herre"

playing)

WELCOME BACK TO "THE CRANK."

LET'S CRANK THIS HELLA UP!

(Nelly)

♪ AND A LITTLE BIT A... ♪

♪ UH, UH ♪

SEE THAT?

THAT'S WHAT I WANNA DO.

YOU WANNA BE A DANCER

ON "THE CRANK"?

I REMEMBER "THE CRANK."

I WASN'T ALLOWED TO WATCH IT

'CAUSE MY MOM THOUGHT

THAT I WOULD GET PREGNANT.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE

A DANCER.

I WANNA BE THE FOOT HO.

THE WHAT?

THE FOOT HO IS THE GIRL

THAT SITS AT THE HOST'S FEET,

LOOKS FABULOUS,

GETS ALL THE CAMERA TIME,

AND THROWS A TON OF ATTITUDE.

I'M GONNA UNSEAT

THAT FOOT HO.

QUIET! DO YOU KNOW

WHAT TIME IT IS?!

YOU BETTER SHUT UP, DORIS!

YOU BETTER SHUT YOUR FACE

AND SHUT THE WINDOW, DORIS!

SHUT THE WINDOW, DORIS!

SHUT IT, BITCH!

♪♪♪

ALL I HAD TO DO WAS

GET AN AUDITION

TO BE ONE OF THE CROWD DANCERS,

AND ONCE THAT HAPPENED,

I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I HAD TO DO

TO GET TO THE TOP.

I'D HAVE TO START

AT LEVEL ONE,

WHICH IS WHERE ALL

THE GARDEN BASEMENT TRASH IS,

BUT I WOULDN'T BE THERE

FOR LONG.

I'D FLIRT WITH THE CAMERAMAN

TO GET TO LEVEL TWO.

OH, MY UNCLE TONY

WAS A CAMERAMAN

ON "WAKE UP INDIANAPOLIS."

(crunches)

(exhales deeply)

(clenched teeth)

TO GET OFF LEVEL TWO...

(normal voice)

I PLANNED TO INVENT A DANCE.

NOTHING TOO FLAMBOYANT,

BUT JUST ENOUGH

TO GET THE SPOTLIGHT ON ME,

WHICH WOULD'VE GOTTEN ME

TO LEVEL THREE,

AND THAT'S WHEN YOU HAVE A SHOT

AT BECOMING THE NEW FOOT HO.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE ATTITUDE.

WHAT HAPPENED? IT SOUNDS LIKE

YOU HAD THIS ALL MAPPED OUT.

SHE NEVER GOT THE AUDITION.

OR AT LEAST SHE NEVER KNEW

ABOUT IT.

TRISH?

WHEN "THE CRANK" CALLED,

TRISH NEVER GAVE CHLOE

THE VOICEMAIL MESSAGE.

INSTEAD, SHE TOOK CHLOE'S

AUDITION, GOT ON THE SHOW,

AND WORKED HER WAY

ALL THE WAY UP TO FOOT HO.

BY THE TIME CHLOE FOUND OUT,

TRISH HAD MOVED OUT

AND LEFT HER OWING

THREE MONTHS' RENT.

AND THEN SHE VANISHED

WHEN "THE CRANK" GOT CANCELED.

MY FOOT HO DREAM WAS REPLACED

BY A NEW DREAM--

DESTROYING TRISH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

HOW COME YOU NEVER

TOLD ME THIS?

BECAUSE IT'S PRIVATE.

WE JUST MET.

BUT WE'VE BEEN ROOMMATES

FOR OVER A YEAR.

WHOA. IT SEEMS LIKE

SO MUCH LONGER THAN THAT.

NOT GETTING TRISH BACK

FOR WHAT SHE DID TO ME

IS MY LIFE'S ONLY REGRET.

AND NOW I'LL GET MY REVENGE.

I'M GONNA PUT

MY iPod ON BLAST

AND JAM THE EARBUDS

INTO HER EARS

AND BLAST OUT HER EARDRUMS.

AND THEN I'M GONNA YELL,

"I FOUND YOU, BITCH!"

YOU ARE GOING TO BLOW HER

EARDRUMS OUT?

THAT'S THE REVENGE THAT YOU'VE

BEEN PLOTTING FOR TEN YEARS?

NO. AT FIRST,

I PLANNED ON STRANGLING HER

WITH HER JUICY SWEATPANTS.

BUT IF SHE'S STILL

WEARING THOSE, I'VE ALREADY WON.

WHERE IS SHE?

NEW JERSEY.

SHE LET HER GUARD DOWN

AND JOINED A GYM.

I KNEW SHE'D GET FAT.

AND THAT'S THE REASON

I DON'T DRIVE

IN THE CENTER LANE ANYMORE.

GARY, WE CAN'T JUST

KEEP PUTTING IT OFF.

LET'S JUST TELL HIM

WHAT WE NEED TO TELL HIM.

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO TELL ME?

WELL... (sighs)

HONEY...

GARY ISN'T YOUR REAL FATHER.

WHAT?

WE AGREED TO WAIT TO TELL YOU

THE NEWS UNTIL YOU WERE 35.

IT SEEMED LIKE

THE RIGHT AGE.

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR 20s

BUT STILL YOUNG ENOUGH TO BOUNCE

BACK FROM THE LIE YOU'VE LIVED.

I-I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

W--

IF YOU--IF YOU'RE NOT

MY REAL DAD, THEN WHO IS?

(chuckles)

THERE'S THE QUESTION.

(laughs) WE'RE NOT SURE EXACTLY.

NOW WE KNOW IT WAS

THE SUMMER OF '77...

YEP.

AND YOUR MOTHER WAS DOING

SUMMER STOCK THEATER IN MAINE.

"SEVEN BRIDES

FOR SEVEN BROTHERS."

AND SHE HAD A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER

WITH ONE OF THE BROTHERS.

MY REAL FATHER.

YEP.

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS, I JUST--

I CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH BROTHER.

BUT IT WAS THE '70s.

IT'S ALL A BLUR.

I DID A LOT OF PLAYS.

AND A LOT OF DRUGS

AND A LOT OF DUDES.

(laughs)

GARY, PLEASE.

(whispering) ANYWAY.

(clears throat)

I, UH...

YEAH.

(normal voice) YOUR FATHER

IS ONE OF THESE SEVEN MEN.

I'M SURE THIS IS

QUITE A SHOCK...

(baby talk) BUT YOU ARE

SUCH A GOOD BABY,

AND WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

(normal voice) OH, HI!

HI. EXCUSE ME.

YES, I ASKED YOU IF YOU COULD DO

SOMETHING ABOUT THE TEMPERATURE,

AND YOU SAID "YES,"

AND I AM STILL FREEZING.

I'M JUST SAYING,

IT'S WEIRD.

I THOUGHT WE WERE CLOSE,

BUT I'M REALIZING I DON'T KNOW

ANYTHING REAL ABOUT YOU.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN REAL?

WELL, LIKE THIS DREAM

OF YOURS.

HOW DID YOU DECIDE YOU WANTED

TO BE A FOOT HO?

(exhales deeply)

HOW DID IT FEEL

WHEN TRISH BETRAYED YOU?

IF YOU COULD BE

ANY FLAVOR OF ICE CREAM,

WHAT FLAVOR WOULD YOU BE?

I'M REGRETTING LETTING YOU

TAKE OFF WORK, RENT A CAR,

AND DRIVE ME TO NEW JERSEY,

JUNE.

I JUST WANNA FIND OUT

MORE ABOUT YOU

WITHOUT HAVING TO HEAR

FROM YOUR STUPID P.I.

FIRST OF ALL,

TOMMY IS NOT STUPID.

HE WENT TO SAN DIEGO STATE.

I MEAN, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN

GIVEN ME THE VOICEMAIL PASSWORD

TO OUR HOME PHONE.

WOW. THE WORKOUT STARTS

AT THE DOOR, HUH?

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO

BODIES BODIES BODIES BODIES!

I'M HEATHER. WHAT CAN I DO

TO MAKE YOU A BETTER YOU?

FIRST OF ALL,

YOU CAN STOP YELLING!

SECOND, YOU CAN HELP ME FIND

ONE OF YOUR MEMBERS--

A REAL SKEEZED-OUT JERK

NAMED TRISH OSBORNE.

ARE YOU CHLOE?

YEAH.

WHEN TRISH SIGNED UP

FOR A MEMBERSHIP,

SHE SAID A WOMAN NAMED CHLOE

WOULD COME LOOKING FOR HER.

SAID YOU'D CALL HER

A "SKEEZED-OUT JERK," TOO.

WHERE IS SHE?

IS SHE IN THE LOCKER ROOM?

I'M GONNA TRAP HER IN THE SAUNA

AND BLAST OUT HER EARDRUMS.

TRISH IS DEAD.

(speed metal song playing)

AAH! AAH! UGH!

I WANTED TO HEAR WHAT SONG

YOU WERE GONNA PLAY.

YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING!

(door slams)

THAT HOOKER DIED?

TRISH DID PASS, YES.

SHE KNEW SHE WAS SICK WHEN SHE

CAME IN AND REFUSED THE TOUR.

SHE WAS ONLY JOINING

TO GET ON THE GRID

BECAUSE SHE KNEW YOU WERE

LOOKING FOR HER.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO

GET REVENGE ON A DEAD LADY?

SHE WANTED US

TO GIVE YOU THIS.

(grunts)

OH.

(gasps)

IS THAT AN OPIUM PIPE?

I SAW ONE ON THE NEWS ONCE.

IT'S THE "CRANK" CRANK.

ONLY THE HOST AND THE FOOT HO

HAD ONE.

IT WAS THE KEY TO GET INTO

THE TOP LEVEL OF THE SHOW.

TRISH LEFT THIS HERE

TO RUB IT IN MY FACE

THAT SHE GOT UP THERE

AND I NEVER DID!

HOW DID SHE LOOK

WHEN SHE CAME IN?

THE CANCER MADE HER THIN.

DAMN IT!

(slurping)

I MEAN, IT'S TOUGH

BECAUSE GARY'S SO GREAT.

BUT NOW THERE'S A CHANCE THAT

MY DAD HAD SOME ACTUAL TALENT.

(stops slurping)

IS GARY GREAT?

I WOULDN'T KNOW

SINCE I'VE NEVER MET HIM.

OR YOUR MOTHER.

BOTH GREAT.

OH. GOOD.

ELI'S MET THEM.

(sighs)

I DON'T KNOW WHY

YOU REFUSE TO INTRODUCE US.

I INVITED YOU TO DINNER

WITH MY FAMILY.

(traditional Chinese music

playing)

IS HE EVEN COMING?

I'M GONNA ORDER.

YOUR FATHER IS STARVING.

DON'T YOU DARE, PATRICE!

(sighs and chuckles)

HE WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

(chuckles)

(mouths word) I'M GONNA

SEND HIM A TEXT.

(chuckles)

(clicking)

(cell phone alert chimes)

(clicking)

(bloop)

IN MY DEFENSE,

I WAS SUPER-DUPER SLEEPY.

ALL RIGHT.

MOM SAYS MY DAD IS ONE

OF THESE SEVEN TALENTS.

GAY AND GAY.

(click)

MY DAD IS ONE OF

THESE FIVE TALENTS.

JAMES, I'M SORRY. I'D BE MORE

INTERESTED IN YOUR DAD THING

IF EVERY TIME I CLOSED MY EYES,

I DIDN'T SEE TRISH

FLIPPING ME OFF FROM THE GRAVE.

SOMETIMES I SEE

THE GHOST OF DORIS,

THE OLD LADY

WHO DIED IN MY TUB.

I ALSO FOUND A PURSE

WITH HER S.A.G. CARD

AND $14 TAPED BEHIND THE TOILET.

CHLOE, YOU GOTTA LET

THE TRISH THING GO. SHE'S DEAD.

EXACTLY.

I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR HER

FOR TEN YEARS, AND SHE'S DEAD.

I'LL NEVER GET MY REVENGE.

IT'S OVER.

(slurping)

HE WAS HIDING

BUT I SEE HIM NOW. GAY.

OH.

(clicks pen)

(slurps)

(elevator bell dings)

HEY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING

TO THE MOVIES.

I TEXTED YOU THAT I BOUGHT

TICKETS TO THE EARLY SHOW.

THAT ISN'T

WHAT YOUR TEXT SAID.

OH! (laughs)

I-I'VE BEEN

SPEAKING MY TEXTS LATELY.

WELL, I LEFT YOU A MESSAGE

AT HOME, TOO.

OH. I DON'T HAVE ACCESS

TO THAT VOICEMAIL

'CAUSE CHLOE WON'T GIVE ME

THE CODE.

SHE WON'T TELL ME ANYTHING

SHE CARES ABOUT.

SHE MIGHT JUST BE

A PRIVATE PERSON.

I MEAN, I WAS LIKE THAT

WHEN WE FIRST MET.

THE FIRST DAY

WE WORKED TOGETHER,

YOU TOLD ME YOU BONED DOWN

ON YOUR COUSIN

'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT

TO GO TO COLLEGE A VIRGIN.

VANESSA! (laughs)

I WONDER IF SHE'LL BE

AT THANKSGIVING THIS YEAR.

MAYBE I JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT

CHLOE WILL NEVER OPEN UP TO ME.

MAYBE I JUST HAVE TO

LET THIS ONE GO.

(snoring)

(angelic music playing)

(whoosh)

(gasps)

CHARO?

SI.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

AM I DEAD?

NO, YOU ARE DREAMING.

WELCOME TO YOUR DREAMS!

(exhales)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M HERE FOR YOU.

IF YOU HAVE ANXIETY, QUESTIONS,

YOU TALK TO CHARO.

I'M YOUR

TEACHER-MOTHER-FATHER-MENTOR.

♪♪♪

MOST PEOPLE DON'T GET

A SECOND CHANCE.

SECOND CHANCE AT WHAT?

♪ OH! ♪

("Hot in Herre" playing)

(man, amplified voice)

LET'S CRANK IT UP!

♪ WITH A LITTLE BIT A... ♪

(door slams)

♪♪♪

♪ WITH A LITTLE BIT A... ♪

♪ UH, UH ♪

♪ AND A LITTLE BIT A... ♪

♪ UH, UH ♪

I'M ON "THE CRANK"?

BUT THIS SHOW GOT CANCELED.

NOT IN YOUR DREAMS, SLUT.

♪ ALL RIGHT ♪

LUTHER?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M HERE BECAUSE

YOU WANT ME HERE.

SAME GOES

FOR EVERYONE YOU SEE.

WE ARE IN YOUR DREAM

BECAUSE YOU WANT US TO BE.

OOH!

OW! OW! OW!

(snapping fingers)

♪ PENTHOUSE, ROOFTOP,

BIRDS I'M FEEDIN' ♪

(gasps)

♪ NO DECEIVIN',

NOTHIN' UP MY SLEEVIN' ♪

TRISH.

♪ I NEED YOU TO GET UP UP

ON THE DANCE FLOOR ♪

♪ GIVE THAT MAN WHAT-- ♪

SECOND CHANCE!

THIS IS MY CHANCE

AT GETTING REVENGE ON TRISH!

SHE TRIED TO DIE ON ME,

BUT I FOUND HER.

AND NOW I'M GONNA

GET UP THERE

AND I'M GONNA

BLOW HER DRUMS OUT.

ONLY YOU KNOW

WHY YOU ARE HERE.

(playing "Malagueña")

THAT WAS THE MOST AMAZING

17 MINUTES OF MY LIFE, CHARO.

BUT OF COURSE. I'M CHARO!

I NEED TO GET AWAY

FROM THIS GARDEN BASEMENT TRASH

ON LEVEL ONE.

I NEED TO FLIRT

WITH A CAMERAMAN.

(dance music playing)

HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON?

UHH!

WE GETTIN' OUR SWERVE ON?

GET OUTTA HERE!

SO THIS IS "THE CRANK," HUH?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT

MY MOM WAS SO AFRAID OF.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, CHLOE?

WHAT WERE YOU AFRAID OF?

LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A KID

AND STUFF.

WHY DON'T YOU

SHOOT ME AN E-MAIL?

I'M ACTUALLY IN A MEETING

RIGHT NOW.

HEY, BLACK HAIR.

YOU LOOK GOOD ON CAMERA.

THEY WANT YOU UP ON LEVEL TWO.

(blows kiss)

♪♪♪

DID YOU HAVE FUN PAYING

SIX MONTHS OF MY PHONE BILL?

DID YOU HAVE FUN

GIVING THE CLAP

TO THE ENTIRE BACKROOM STAFF

OF THE NEW YORK RANGERS?

♪♪♪

TO GET TO LEVEL THREE,

I NEED TO INVENT A DANCE.

HAVE YOU INVENTED

A LOT OF THINGS?

I WANT TO INVENT A LINE

OF HAIR EXTENSIONS CALLED

"BEWEAVE IT OR NOT."

HOW DID YOU GET UP HERE?

MM. IT'S YOUR DREAM.

YOU OBVIOUSLY WANT ME HERE.

I DON'T WANT HER HERE, CHARO!

OR DO YOU?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

♪♪♪

JAMES?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M LOOKING FOR

MY REAL FATHER.

HE'S HERE SOMEWHERE,

I KNOW IT.

WHAT THE MOTHER?!

HOW MANY LUTHERS ARE IN HERE?

(Luthers) NOT ENOUGH, JACKSON.

(giggling)

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

I NEED TO GET TO LEVEL THREE.

I NEED TO INVENT A DANCE.

♪♪♪

CHLOE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE CAN GO UP.

YOU'RE WITH ME.

CELEBRITIES GET

PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT,

EVEN IN DREAMS.

OH.

(Luthers) IS THIS RIGHT, CHLOE?

(laughs)

LORD, HAVE MERCY.

UP YOURS, LUTHERS!

♪♪♪

I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU, TRISH.

I CAN SMELL YOUR

MENTHOL CIGARETTES FROM HERE.

I QUIT SMOKING.

DYING FROM LUNG CANCER ISN'T

THE SAME AS QUITTING, HONEY.

MY DAD MUST BE ON THE TOP LEVEL

BECAUSE HE'S THE BEST.

HOW DO I GET UP THERE?

THERE ARE NO BOUNCERS

FOR ME TO CELEBRIFY.

THE ONLY WAY TO GET TO THE HOST

LEVEL IS TO THROW ATTITUDE.

YOU HAVE TO ACT LIKE

YOU DON'T CARE BUT WANT IT

AT THE SAME TIME.

THAT IS NOT ACCURATE.

WE'VE MADE IT MORE CHALLENGING

TO GET UP TO THE FINAL LEVEL.

CHLOE, YOU AND JUNE

WILL BE COMPETING

IN A "HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW

YOUR ROOMMATE?" GAME?

PLEASE WELCOME OUR JUDGES--

ELI, HEATHER FROM THE GYM,

AND OLD DEAD DORIS!

(coughs)

THEY WILL DECIDE IF YOU GET

TO MOVE UP TO THE HOST LEVEL

BASED ON HOW WELL

YOU KNOW EACH OTHER.

AND YOU BOTH

MUST ANSWER CORRECTLY

OR YOUR JOURNEY STOPS HERE.

UH, WEIRD, BUT OKAY.

LET'S BEGIN.

WHO WAS

YOUR ROOMMATE'S FIRST KISS?

CHLOE, THAT IS CORRECT!

JUNE, I'M AFRAID "NO IDEA!"

IS INCORRECT.

SECOND QUESTION--

WHAT WAS THE NAME OF

YOUR ROOMMATE'S FIRST PET?

ANSWERS PLEASE.

THAT'S CORRECT, CHLOE!

JUNE--AGAIN, TERRIBLE!

TERRIBLE, JUNE!

AND NOW OUR FINAL QUESTION--

IF YOUR ROOMMATE WAS

AN ICE CREAM,

WHAT KIND OF ICE CREAM

WOULD SHE BE?

WHAT IS JUNE'S PROBLEM?

SHE'S TRYING TO STOP ME

FROM GETTING TO THE TOP,

THE SAME WAY THAT TRISH DID!

IS THIS TRUE?

YES!

SHE SUCKS AT THIS GAME.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT ME.

AND WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE I DON'T

TELL HER ANYTHING.

AND WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE...

(sighs deeply)

BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST HER.

(speaking Spanish)

CHARO!

¿QUE? ¿QUE? ¿QUE? ¿QUE? ¿QUE?

I KNOW YOU SPEAK

FIVE LANGUAGES,

BUT WE SPEAK ENGLISH

IN MY DREAMS.

WHY DON'T YOU TRUST YUNE?

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS

EVER SINCE TRISH BURNED ME, I--

YUNE IS NOT TRISH.

NO, SHE'S NOT.

YOU CAN TRUST ME, CHLOE.

IT'S THE "CRANK" CRANK.

THIS WILL GET US

TO THE TOP LEVEL.

♪♪♪

YOU NEED TO GO UP THERE.

YOUR FATHER'S UP THERE.

ARE YOU SURE?

IT'S MY DREAM.

(gears clicking)

(clank)

AREN'T YOU GONNA

GO UP THERE, TOO?

WHAT ABOUT TRISH?

ISN'T THAT THE POINT

OF YOUR DREAM?

NO. IT'S NOT.

COME ON, LET'S GO SEE IF CHARO

IS STILL IN THE WHITE ROOM.

YOU SHOULD HEAR HER SAY "JUNE."

IT'S HILARIOUS.

YUNE.

♪♪♪

HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

(boom)

YOU'VE COME SO FAR.

NOW YOU'RE JUST GONNA WALK AWAY?

HEY, JUNE, WHAT'S WORSE

THAN A FOOT HO?

A DEAD FOOT HO?

YOU KNOW IT.

UGH!

(Chloe) I THINK YOU LUTHERS

WILL LIKE THIS SONG.

(speed metal song playing)

(Luthers scream)

(Luther) WHAT THE HELL?!

DADDY?

RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON?

MY DAD IS MacGYVER?

HELLO, SON.

OR SHOULD I SAY,

HELLO,

JAMES VAN DER DEAN ANDERSON?

(laughs)

HEY, DAD...

DO YOU WANNA

DEFUSE THIS BOMB WITH ME?

(rapid beeping)

(gasps)

WHOA.

I JUST HAD THE STRANGEST DREAM.

YOU WERE THERE,

AND YOU WERE THERE,

AND YOU WERE THERE,

AND YOU...

NEED TO MOVE SO I CAN SEE ELI,

BECAUSE, ELI,

YOU WERE THERE, TOO.

MacGYVER IS YOUR FATHER.

WHAT?

I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY,

BUT TRUST ME.

I SAW IT IN MY DREAM.

RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON

IS YOUR FATHER.

YOU NEED TO GO FIND HIM.

I KNEW IT!

(door closes)

32-24-34.

WHAT'S THAT?

HER MEASUREMENTS.

OUR VOICEMAIL PASSWORD.

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT TRISH,

AND I CAN TRUST YOU.

(gasps)

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

YOU'RE LETTING ME IN.

CHLOE, THANK YOU

FOR TRUSTING ME...

WITH YOU.

INSTANT REGRET.

OH.

(door slams)

SEE, THESE THREE ARE GAY,

AND THESE TWO ARE DEAD,

AND YOU CAN'T REALLY TELL,

BUT THAT ONE'S ACTUALLY HINDI,

SO THAT JUST

LEAVES YOU... DAD.

LOOK, I'VE NEVER DONE

SUMMER STOCK.

THE SUMMER OF '77,

I WAS PLAYING DR. JEFF WEBBER

ON "GENERAL HOSPITAL."

BUT LOOK AT OUR FOREHEADS.

I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE.

WAIT. IS THAT MY BROTHER?

(doorknob rattles)