Original subtitles

(June) BACK IN INDIANA,

THE BATHROOM

WAS ALWAYS A PRIVATE PLACE.

BUT NOW THAT

I LIVE IN NEW YORK,

LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE,

IT'S CROWDED.

(door opens)

WHAT'S FINGER-LICKIN',

CHICKEN?

NOTHIN' MUCH, BUTT.

THAT RHYMED MORE

IN MY HEAD.

BUT I'M OKAY WITH IT.

THE BATHROOM'S ACTUALLY

BECOME A PLACE

WHERE CHLOE AND I

DOWNLOAD AND CATCH UP.

I'M JUST ABOUT

TO GIVE MYSELF A BRAZILIAN.

WANT ME TO DO YOU FIRST?

NO, THANKS.

YOU SURE, JUNE?

IT'S 2013.

LOWER THE DECK.

(water splashes)

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

SO, WHO'S THE SPECIAL

GROOMING FOR?

BENJAMIN'S BACK FROM

HIS DIRECTING GIG IN L.A.

HE MADE JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

KISS MELISSA McCARTHY

IN A MOVIE I'M REALLY

LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING

CALLED "AGNES."

SOUNDS GREAT.

YEAH. NOW HE'S DIRECTING JAMES

IN SOME BIG NEW COMMERCIAL

BEFORE HE GOES TO AUSTRALIA.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS

GONNA BE THE LONGEST

AMOUNT OF TIME

WE'VE ACTUALLY

EVER SPENT TOGETHER.

OOH! THAT'S EXCITING!

YEAH. I BUMPED HIM UP TO

NUMBER ONE ON MY GUY ROTATION.

NUMBERS TWO THROUGH SIX

ARE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT

WHILE HE PUTS

HIS DINGO IN MY BABY.

CHLOE, DID YOU TELL BENJAMIN

ABOUT YOUR ROTATION?

NO. WHY?

UH, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT JUST

SOMETHING THAT EVERYONE HAS.

WELL, EVERYONE SHOULD.

IT'S AWESOME.

IT'S THE PERFECT SITUATION.

NOBODY LOSES.

EVERYBODY WINS.

NO, ONE PERSON LOSES--

THE PERSON WHO THINKS

THAT THEY'RE DATING

SOMEONE EXCLUSIVELY

AND THEN FINDS OUT

THAT'S NOT THE CASE.

LIKE ME IN SEVENTH GRADE WHEN

I WAS DATING AARON DeMAYO.

HE WAS A WRESTLER,

AND I WAS A MAT MAID--

WHICH PEOPLE DON'T THINK

IS A REAL CHEERLEADER

BECAUSE WE

DIDN'T HAVE UNIFORMS,

WE JUST WORE WHATEVER SHADE OF

PURPLE WE HAD IN OUR CLOSET.

ANYWAY, I WAS HEARTBROKEN

WHEN I FOUND OUT

THAT AARON WAS ALSO SEEING

THERESA FISHER.

UGH. IS TELLING BENJAMIN

ABOUT MY GUY ROTATION

THE ONLY WAY I'M GONNA GET YOU

TO STOP WITH THE JIBBER-JABBER?

IT IS.

FINE. BUT SO HELP ME GOD,

IF I HEAR ONE JIBBER

OR EVEN A PIECE OF JABBER,

I WILL FORCIBLY WAX YOU.

SWEET BATHROOM. WHAT'S THIS

COMMERCIAL FOR, ANYWAY?

(bell rings)

TOWELS? SOAP? SHOWER HEADS?

SUNGLASSES.

AWESOME. I'M WATCHING.

AH, YOU WON'T BE ABLE

TO WATCH, ACTUALLY.

IT'S ONLY GONNA AIR IN JAPAN.

JAMES IS HUGE THERE

EVER SINCE THREE GIRLS

DRESSED AS HELLO KITTY

WERE TRAMPLED TO DEATH

AT THE "VARSITY BLUES" PREMIERE

IN KYOTO.

(sighs)

HEY.

HEY YOURSELF.

I'M DATING FIVE OTHER GUYS.

I'VE GOT SIX GUYS

IN MY ROTATION.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

I'M DATING

FIVE OTHER GIRLS,

EXCEPT WE CALL IT

A "CYCLE."

OH, MY GOD.

THAT IS SO FUNNY.

AUSTRALIANS HAVE

DIFFERENT WORDS FOR EVERYTHING.

WE DO.

ISN'T DATING

SIX PEOPLE THE BEST?

BECAUSE FIVE

IS UNSATISFYING...

AND SEVEN ALLOWS

NO TIME TO RECOUP.

I JUST REMEMBERED

WHY I LIKE YOU.

YOU ARE SO...

HOT?

I WAS GONNA SAY "SLUTTY."

LOVE THE FIRST DAY

OF PRODUCTION.

A WHOLE NEW CREW

TO LOVE AND RESPECT ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT

MY FAVORITE PART IS?

ALL THE TOOL BELTS?

NO.

FIRST DAY

OF PRODUCTION SPEECH.

I INTRODUCE MYSELF

TO THE CREW,

SAY A FEW

INSPIRATIONAL WORDS,

LEARN TWO OF THEIR NAMES

TO SHOW HOW ACCESSIBLE I AM,

THEN SIT BACK

AND BASK IN THEIR ADMIRATION.

IT'S MY FUEL.

KEEPS ME RUNNING.

EVERY DAY, I LEARN FROM YOU.

MM.

(clatter)

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE!

UM, I'M BENJAMIN LOVETT,

YOUR DIRECTOR.

JUST WANNA SAY

A FEW WORDS BEFORE WE START.

NOW I KNOW SOME OF YOU

MAY BE WONDERING

WHY WE'RE DOING A COMMERCIAL

FOR SUNGLASSES IN A BATHROOM.

ESPECIALLY YOU, JOEL, MIKEY.

TWO NAMES.

BUT SO MUCH OF LIFE

HAPPENS IN BATHROOMS,

SO MANY INTIMATE

AND IMPORTANT MOMENTS.

THINK ABOUT IT--

WHEN ARE YOU MOST VULNERABLE?

WHEN YOU'RE NAKED.

AND WHERE ARE YOU MOST NAKED?

IN THE BATHROOM.

MM.

AND BEING NAKED... IS SEXY,

AND SUNGLASSES... ARE SEXY.

SO WE'RE GONNA MAKE

THIS BATHROOM... SEXY...

AND STEAMY...

AND WET.

(chuckles)

BECAUSE

BATHROOMS EQUALS SEXY...

EQUALS SUNGLASSES.

THANK YOU.

I CAN'T FOLLOW THAT.

YOU CAN'T HAVE TWO...

INSPIRING FIRST DAY

OF PRODUCTION SPEECHES.

THE S.O.B. USURPED ME.

HE "ALL ABOUT EVE-d" YOU.

WHAT?

OH. SORRY.

HE "SHOWGIRL-ed" YOU.

HE DID BETTER

THAN YOU DID.

UHH.

HEY. I REALLY LIKED

YOUR SPEECH.

OH, YEAH? WHICH PART?

(Icona Pop)

♪ I DON'T CARE ♪

♪ I LOVE IT ♪

♪ I DON'T CARE ♪

(moaning)

SOMEONE IS IN HERE!

OCUPADO!

JUNE, WE'RE HAVING SEX IN

BATHROOMS ALL ACROSS THE CITY.

WE JUST CAME FROM A DELI.

WE GAVE SOME OLD FAKAKTAS

A SHOW.

EW. WHY ARE YOU

HAVING SEX IN BATHROOMS?

TELL HER, BEN. TELL HER

IN THE AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.

BECAUSE BATHROOMS

ARE SEXY.

MMM! (squeals)

(clatters)

MY PREP STATION!

(moans)

WELL, DID YOU AT LEAST

TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR--

MY ROTATION? YEAH,

HE'S TOTALLY COOL WITH IT.

I HAVE ONE, TOO.

A CYCLE.

WELL, GOOD. I GUESS AS LONG AS

YOU TWO ARE ON THE SAME PAGE...

JUNE, SOME SEX

IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN

RIGHT WHERE YOU'RE STANDING,

SO EITHER GET IN OR GET OUT.

BUT I'M NOT FINISHED YET.

I'M STILL DOING MY LEFT EYE.

OH, GOD!

♪ I DON'T CARE ♪

♪ I LOVE IT ♪

♪ I DON'T CARE ♪

12 BATHROOMS IN 24 HOURS?

(panting)

IF THAT'S NOT A RECORD,

I'D LIKE TO MEET

THE BASTARDS WHO BEAT US.

YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA

BE HERE FOR A MONTH.

WE MIGHT WANT TO...

PACE OURSELVES.

OH, AM I WEARING YOU OUT?

IS THE OLD MAN GETTING TIRED?

DO YOU WANT A PEPPERMINT?

(water splashes)

(giggles)

I'M JUST SAYING,

AT SOME POINT,

WE MIGHT HAVE TO

PUT SOME CLOTHES ON

AND USE OUR MOUTHS FOR FOOD.

(gasps) I KNOW A STRIP CLUB

THAT HAS A GREAT

CHINESE CHICKEN SALAD.

THAT SOUNDS GROSS AND DELICIOUS

AT THE SAME TIME. LET'S GO.

(water sloshing)

WHOA!

(thud)

(laughs) OH, NO. BENJAMIN.

SEEMS LIKE YOU'VE GOT

A DISLOCATED SHOULDER.

NOW THAT I SEE YOU

LYING HERE,

I REALIZE WHAT

I SHOULD HAVE DONE--

INSTEAD OF COVERING YOU

WITH A TOWEL,

I SHOULD HAVE PUT

A SMALL LOOFAH OVER YOUR JUNK.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN

VERY FUNNY.

I REGRET NOT DOING THAT

VERY MUCH.

SO WE JUST GOTTA GET YOU

TO THE HOSPITAL.

I'M JUST GONNA NEED

SOME INFO FIRST.

WHAT'S YOUR DATE OF BIRTH?

APRIL 28, 1982.

ANY ALLERGIES?

OTHER THAN THIS HOT POTATO

RIGHT HERE? (clicks tongue)

AN "IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY"

CONTACT?

MELINDA ST. CLAIRE, 2-1-2...

MELINDA ST. CLAIRE?

WHO'S THAT?

OH, SHE'S THE NUMBER ONE GIRL

IN MY CYCLE.

THAT'S SO FUNNY.

IN CANADA,

WE CALL IT A LOOP.

(door slams)

HELLO, FRIEND.

I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.

(presses button)

(The Cranberries) ♪ DO YOU HAVE

TO LET IT LINGER? ♪

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

I KNOW YOU SAID

IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU

THAT MELINDA ST. CLAIRE

IS NUMBER ONE IN BEN'S CYCLE.

BUT YOU CAN'T PRETEND

THAT YOU'RE NOT FEELING HURT.

HE'S YOUR NUMBER ONE,

AND YOU'RE NOT HIS.

THAT IS JACKED UP.

JUNE, I'VE ALREADY MOVED ON

TO OTHER GUYS IN MY ROTATION.

I DON'T REALLY CARE.

SHH!

JUST LET THE PERFECT BREAKUP

SONG HEAL YOUR WOUNDS.

TAKE YOUR FINGER

OFF MY FACE.

SORRY. THAT WAS TOO MUCH.

JUNE, I DON'T CARE

HOW BEN RANKS HIS CYCLE.

WHY DO YOU THINK I DATE

SIX GUYS AT A TIME?

FOR EXACTLY THIS REASON.

ONE GETS ANNOYING,

ANOTHER ONE SLIPS RIGHT IN.

IT'S HOW PAT RILEY

RAN THE KNICKS.

IT'S HOW I RUN MY SEX LIFE.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE

BEING HONEST WITH YOURSELF.

(sighs)

AND ANOTHER GUY ISN'T GONNA

HELP YOU GET OVER BENJAMIN.

YOU HAVE TO MOURN,

AND YOU HAVE TO EAT

ICE CREAM,

AND YOU HAVE TO BUILD

A SHRINE.

THAT'S WHAT I DID

IN SEVENTH GRADE

WHEN ME AND AARON DeMAYO

BROKE UP.

♪ DO YOU HAVE TO

LET IT LINGER? ♪

♪ DO YOU HAVE TO,

DO YOU HAVE TO ♪

♪ DO YOU HAVE TO

LET IT LINGER? ♪

(knock on door)

HONEY, WE KNOW YOU'RE HURTING,

BUT ENOUGH OF

THIS GOSH-DARNED SONG.

DONALD, DO NOT ALMOST

SAY "GOD" IN ANGER.

THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL

SO MUCH BETTER.

♪ DO YOU HAVE TO

LET IT LINGER? ♪

♪ DO YOU HAVE TO,

DO YOU HAVE TO ♪

♪ DO YOU HAVE TO

LET IT LINGER? ♪

MY FRIEND ALVIN AND I WOULD

PERFORM THAT AT OPEN MIC NIGHT,

AND WE WOULD...

♪ CRUSH IT ♪

HE'S DEAD NOW.

♪♪♪

PLEASE ENJOY YOUR COFFEE,

COURTESY OF JAMES VAN DER BEEK.

A CUP O' JOE

FROM A REGULAR JOE.

HOPE THIS FINALLY

WINS THEIR ADMIRATION.

WELL, IT'S WORKING FOR ME.

I HAVEN'T HAD

A MACCHIATO IN AGES,

AND I AM BUZZING.

(laughs)

JAMES. THANKS FOR

THE COFFEE.

HEY. NO PROBLEM.

HEY, WE NEED A FOURTH

FOR BASKETBALL. YOU WANT IN?

OH. YOU KNOW, I REALLY SHOULD

MEMORIZE MY LINES

WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR BEN,

BUT FOR YOU GUYS,

FOR MY CREW...

LET'S GO, BALLERS.

(laughs)

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

HEY, GUYS.

SORRY I'M LATE.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I, UH, INJURED MYSELF

DURING SEX.

YEAH, YOU DID.

LOOK, EVEN THOUGH

I'M IN INCREDIBLE PAIN

AND QUITE HIGH

ON PRESCRIPTION MEDS,

NOTHING IS GONNA KEEP ME

FROM COMPLETING THIS COMMERCIAL

FOR YOU GUYS...

(slaps shoulder)

MY CREW.

LET'S GET TO WORK.

(indistinct conversations)

W--

WE WERE SO CLOSE.

WE WERE...

WE WERE GONNA PLAY BALL,

AND YOU WERE GONNA

MAKE UP A NAME FOR ME,

LIKE "VAN DER JAM"

OR "HOOPSTA."

DON'T WORRY, MAN.

I'LL PLAY BALL WITH YA...

AFTER I HUG BEN.

GOSH. HE'S INSPIRING,

YOU KNOW? (chuckles)

PLUS, HE'S, LIKE, YOKED.

HE MUST HAVE A HOME GYM.

I'M GONNA ASK HIM

DURING THE HUG.

(Icona Pop's "I Love It"

playing)

♪ YOU'RE FROM THE '70s ♪

♪ BUT I'M A '90s BITCH ♪

♪ I LOVE IT ♪

I'M SO GLAD YOU CALLED,

CHLOE.

I'M SO GLAD YOU GROUNDED

YOUR PLANE, DEREK.

(laughs)

♪ I LOVE IT ♪

YOU EVER FOOL AROUND

IN A BATHROOM BEFORE?

MELINDA TIMES.

WHAT?

I'M IN

THE MELINDA HIGH CLUB.

BEFORE WE GET STARTED,

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW,

I TESTED POSITIVE

FOR MELINDA.

ARE YOU ON BIRTH CONTROL?

'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE

TO WEAR A MELINDA.

(gasps)

SIX GUYS ALL RUINED,

AND SOME BITCH NAMED MELINDA'S

IN MY HEAD,

AND IT'S ALL BEN'S FAULT.

HOW COULD THE CREW

CHOOSE BEN OVER ME?

I OFFERED THEM

MY FRIENDSHIP.

I WOULD KILL TO BE FRIENDS

WITH ME.

LITERALLY, I--IF SOMEBODY

WAS FRIENDS WITH ME,

I WOULD KILL THEM SO I COULD

BE FRIENDS WITH ME.

WHO RIPPED OUT

THE MIDDLE OF MY BOOK?

I NEEDED TO TALK TO YOU.

I TRIED TO HOOK UP WITH

THE OTHER GUYS IN MY ROTATION.

BUT I KEPT HEARING THEM

SAY "MELINDA."

CHLOE, THIS IS WHAT

I WAS SAYING BEFORE.

IT BUGS YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT

BEN'S NUMBER ONE.

FOR THE FIRST TIME

IN YOUR LIFE,

YOU ARE JEALOUS.

PLEASE.

I DON'T GET JEALOUS.

I MAKE JEALOUS

IN OTHER PEOPLE.

I MAKE OTHER PEOPLE

JEALOUS.

YEAH, SO DID I.

NOW LOOK AT US.

WE WERE ONCE GOLDEN GODS.

NOW...

WE'RE NUMBER TWOS.

TWO NUMBER TWOS

IN A TUB.

I BOUGHT THAT DVD

IN GERMANY.

WEIRD COUNTRY.

CHLOE, THERE IS A REASON

WHY YOU ARE SITTING HERE

IN THIS TUB

INSTEAD OF OUT

WITH YOUR FIVE OTHER GUYS.

BENJAMIN IS MORE THAN JUST

SOMEONE IN YOUR ROTATION.

MAYBE HE IS.

WELL, I MEAN, DO YOU WANT

TO BE EXCLUSIVE WITH HIM?

NO MORE ROTATION,

JUST HIM?

(sighs) MAYBE I DO.

WELL, THEN TALK TO HIM.

TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL.

(exhales)

OW!

THAT'S JUST ME BEING

UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE TRUTH.

(exhales) THANK YOU, JUNE.

HOW LONG HAVE THOSE

BEEN IN?

AN HOUR.

TAKE 'EM OUT.

BENJAMIN LOVETT?

WE'RE WITH

U.S. IMMIGRATION SERVICES.

WE NEED TO SEE

YOUR WORK VISA.

UH, YEAH.

I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND

EVERYTHING'S CURRENT

AND UP TO DATE.

YEP, SURE IS.

GREAT.

BUT YOU'RE STILL

GETTING DEPORTED.

(chuckles) WHAT IS THIS,

SOME KIND OF JOKE?

NO, SIR.

THIS COMES FROM THE VERY TOP.

WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU

ON A PLANE BACK TO AUSTRALIA.

WH--HEY,

YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

WH-WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

(cell phone rings)

(beep)

HELLO.

IT'S DONE.

THANKS, JULIUS.

I OWE YOU ONE.

SO CAN I TAKE YOU

ON MY BROTHER'S HOUSEBOAT

LIKE YOU PROMISED?

IS THERE ANY WAY

BENJAMIN'S DEPORTATION

CAN BE UNDONE?

NOPE. IT'S ALREADY

BEEN PROCESSED.

THEN, NO.

(beep)

(door slams)

CHLOE.

HEY, DID YOU SEE THAT GUY

I WAS WITH?

HE'S SOMETHING CALLED

AN INSURANCE ADJUSTER.

SO HOT.

I'M THINKING ABOUT GIVING HIM

A SPOT IN MY ROTATION.

WHAT ABOUT BEN?

HE HAS CALLED THE APARTMENT

A THOUSAND TIMES.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO

TELL HIM HOW YOU FELT,

NOT GET HIM DEPORTED.

WELL, I THOUGHT ABOUT IT

AND I REALIZED I FELT

LIKE GETTING HIM DEPORTED.

OH, GOSH. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I AM DONE.

I AM NOT GONNA GIVE YOU

ANY MORE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.

OKAY.

BUT THE LAST THING

THAT I'LL SAY

IS JUST BECAUSE

YOU GOT BEN DEPORTED

DOESN'T MEAN

THAT YOU'LL BE OVER HIM.

HE'S STILL GOING TO BE

IN HERE AND IN HERE.

THE ONLY PLACE THAT

A GUY SHOULD BE IS HERE.

JUNE, I'M NOT LIKE YOU.

I DON'T GET TWISTED UP

OVER GUYS.

I HAVE GREAT EXPERIENCES

AND I MOVE ON.

I DON'T GET TWISTED UP

OVER GUYS EITHER.

I JUST KNOW YOU CAN'T DO

SOMETHING SO SELFISH

THAT IT AFFECTS SOMEONE

FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE.

I COULD'VE DONE THAT, TOO.

AFTER AARON BROKE UP WITH ME,

I WAS MOVING ON

WITH MY OWN LIFE...

(spritzes)

WHEN I DISCOVERED

THAT THERESA FISHER

WAS A SMOKER.

(liquid splashes)

I COULD'VE BUSTED HER

AND GOTTEN HER EXPELLED

AND HAD AARON ALL TO MYSELF,

BUT I CHOSE NOT TO,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T MESS

WITH PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

BUT WHAT IF I HAD MADE

A DIFFERENT CHOICE?

MAYBE AARON AND I

WOULD'VE KEPT DATING.

MAYBE WE'D STILL BE TOGETHER.

WHO KNOWS?

THAT'S WHY YOU KEEP

TALKING ABOUT THIS GUY.

BECAUSE YOU THINK

HE'S THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY.

WHAT?

NO, I DON'T THINK THAT.

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

THAT'S WHY

YOU'RE STILL OBSESSED

WITH SOME GUY WHO DUMPED YOU

A MILLION YEARS AGO.

JUNE, I MADE OUT

WITH TWO GIRLS

WHILE YOU WERE TELLING ME

THAT STUPID STORY.

YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

WITH YOUR LIFE.

(clank)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HELPING YOU.

ALSO HELPING YOU.

IF YOU'RE GONNA GRAB MY BOOB,

JUST GRAB IT.

BUT DON'T TEASE ME.

♪ I DON'T CARE ♪

♪ I LOVE IT ♪

♪ I DON'T CARE ♪

GREAT DAY, ISN'T IT?

BEN'S BEEN DEPORTED.

THE CREW IS IN A PANIC.

WHAT THEY NEED RIGHT NOW

IS A LEADER, A ROCK.

AND YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?

ME?

(chuckles)

I'M JUST KIDDING, JAMES.

I KNOW IT'S YOU.

I'M JUST TRYING

TO KEEP IT LIGHT.

(clears throat)

ALL RIGHT. LISTEN, EVERYONE.

UH, I KNOW IT'S A SHAME

ABOUT BEN BEING DEPORTED,

BUT I JUST WANNA LET YOU GUYS

KNOW THAT I AM STILL HERE.

I'M NOT GOING TO ABANDON YOU.

MY AGENT TALKED TO

THE PRODUCTION COMPANY

AND CONVINCED THEM THAT WE'VE

ALREADY SHOT ENOUGH FOOTAGE

TO CUT TOGETHER

A GREAT COMMERCIAL.

SO ARTISTICALLY,

YOU GUYS DON'T NEED TO WORRY.

YOUR WORK WILL BE SEEN.

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOOT

FOR ANOTHER WEEK.

WILL WE STILL GET PAID?

I DON'T SEE HOW.

ANYWAY, ISN'T THIS AWESOME?

I GOT US THE REST OF THE WEEK

OFF! (laughs)

WHO'S UP FOR SUSHI

AND A MATINEE?

(singsongy)

CALIFORNIA ROLL!

♪ OOH, LA LA LA ♪

WE CAN'T GO IN HERE.

THIS IS WHERE MEN GO.

I DID NOT GET

MY PILOT LOVER DEREK

TO GET US ON

A LAST-MINUTE FLIGHT TO INDIANA

TO COME TO

A LOBSTER BARREL BATHROOM

AND NOT CONFRONT AARON DeMAYO.

AARON DeMAYO!

(toilet flushes)

GET OUT HERE!

(gasps) JUNE.

IF THIS IS HIM,

I GET IT AND I AM IN.

(flushes)

JUNE?

HEY, AARON!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

JUNE STILL HAS YOUR

OLD PHONE NUMBER MEMORIZED.

AND YOUR MOM SAID

YOU'D BE HERE.

NOW JUNE IS GONNA

SCREW IT OUT WITH YOU

SO SHE REALIZES THAT YOU'RE

NOT THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

AND FINALLY MOVES ON.

NO! NO, I-I-I DON'T WANT

TO SCREW.

I'M HERE BECAUSE

MY CRAZY ROOMMATE IS TRYING

TO PROVE A POINT.

SHE THINKS THAT YOU AND I HAVE

"UNFINISHED BUSINESS."

SHE'S GOING THROUGH A THING

WITH A GUY,

AND I'M TRYING TO TELL HER

THAT SHE CAN'T DO

WHATEVER SHE WANTS TO PEOPLE.

LIKE, WHEN I BUSTED

THERESA FISHER FOR SMOKING

AND I COULD'VE GOTTEN HER

EXPELLED BUT I CHOSE NOT TO.

OH, MY GOD. I TOTALLY FORGOT

THAT THERESA USED TO SMOKE.

(laughs)

I'M SURPRISED A.J. WAS

BORN WITH ALL HIS FINGERS

AND TOES.

(laughs) WAIT. WHO'S A.J.?

OH, SORRY. A.J.'s OUR SON.

WAIT.

YOU AND THERESA ARE MARRIED?

AARON, WHAT IS TAKING YOU

SO LONG?

A.J.'s INSISTING ON GOING

IN THE MEN'S ROOM,

BUT YOU NEVER CAME BACK

TO THE TABLE,

AND NOW I'VE LEFT THE TWINS

ALONE WITH THEIR MAC AND CHEESE.

GOD, THIS IS SO REAL.

HEARTLAND.

HEY, THERESA. HI, I'M JUNE.

WE WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER.

YEAH, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

AARON, CAN YA TAKE A.J.?

HE KEEPS SAYING

HE'S GONNA EXPLODE.

KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE

OF SOMETHING HERE.

OH. OKAY.

NO, I'LL DO IT.

THAT'S FINE.

BUT I AM GOING TO CABO

AT THE END OF THE MONTH

WITH MY SISTER,

AND I'M DRINKING TEQUILA.

THERE'S A LITTLE BOY IN THERE,

AND THAT WEIRDS ME OUT.

AARON, I-I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU

AND THERESA ENDED UP TOGETHER.

(Theresa) LIVIN' THE DREAM!

GUESS IT WAS FATE.

YEAH. OR IT WAS ME.

(chuckles)

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, IF, YOU KNOW,

I'D GOTTEN THERESA EXPELLED,

THINGS MIGHT'VE TURNED OUT

DIFFERENTLY.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU AND I

WOULD'VE KEPT ON DATING.

MAYBE WE'D STILL BE DATING.

WHO KNOWS? MAYBE I'D BE

THE ONE IN THERE IN THE STALL,

HELPING A.J. GO.

(Theresa) HEY, GET IN HERE,

HONEY! KNOCK YOURSELF OUT!

JUNE, THIS PICTURE

THAT YOU'RE PAINTING...

DO YOU REALLY WANT IT?

DO YOU REALLY WANNA

LIVE HERE

WITH THIS GUY AND THAT BABY

AND THESE LOBSTERS?

WELL, I...

OR DID YOU JUST GET HUNG UP

ON THE IDEA

BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT THIS GUY

WAS THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?

I-I DON'T WANT THIS.

I WANT THIS.

OH, I KNEW IT.

JUNE, I KISSED THOSE GIRLS

TO ILLUSTRATE HOW BORING

YOUR STORY WAS.

IF I MISLED YOU IN SOME WAY,

I'M--

NO! NO!

I WANT WHAT YOU REPRESENT--

MY LIFE IN NEW YORK,

THE LIFE THAT I ALREADY HAVE.

SEE? I TOLD YOU. YOU MAKE

A BIG MOVE AND YOU GET CLARITY.

YOU JUST HAD TO GET AARON DeMAYO

OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM,

THE SAME WAY I HAD TO DO

WITH BENJAMIN.

OH, BENJAMIN IS THIS GUY

THAT I GOT DEPORTED.

IT'S A REALLY LONG STORY,

BUT I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT

RIGHT NOW.

(Chloe) WE WERE FINALLY GOING

TO BE IN THE SAME CITY

FOR A LONG STRETCH OF TIME,

SO WE DECIDED TO HAVE SEX IN

BATHROOMS EVERYWHERE WE COULD.

WE DID IT IN MY APARTMENT,

DIANE SAWYER'S DRESSING ROOM,

AN R.V...

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT AM I DOING?

WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT

SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED

A MILLION YEARS AGO?

THAT WAS YESTERDAY.

EXACTLY!

WHY HAVEN'T I MOVED ON?

CAN SOMEONE HAND ME

ALL THE PAPER TOWELS?

YOU HAVEN'T MOVED ON YET

BECAUSE HE'S STILL

IN THERE AND THERE,

EVEN THOUGH

HE'S NOT IN THERE.

I'M NOT OVER HIM.

(knock on door)

OCCUPIED.

(Derek) IT'S YOUR CAPTAIN.

HEY, I'M--I'M DEREK.

UH, NUMBER THREE

IN CHLOE'S ROTATION.

YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL.

HELLO?

SORRY. I'M SORRY.

WHAT THE HELL, CHLOE?!

YOU HAD ME DEPORTED?!

I CAN'T COME BACK TO THE STATES

FOR A YEAR!

FINE! SCREW YOU!

(beep)

(rings, beep)

SORRY. I'M...

THIS IS ME TRYING TO APOLOGIZE.

ALL RIGHT?

I'M SORRY.

WHY'D YOU DO IT?

I... HAD TO.

YOU SAID MELINDA WAS YOUR

NUMBER ONE, AND I GOT JEALOUS.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?

YOU COULD'VE TALKED TO ME ABOUT

IT INSTEAD OF RUINING MY LIFE.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT

TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS.

I DON'T WANT TO WANT THIS.

I MEAN, MAYBE SOMEDAY DOWN

THE ROAD, WHEN WE'RE OLD...

UNLESS YOU DON'T AGE WELL.

I HAVE A FEELING

YOUR NECK COULD GET GROSS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S OKAY

TO CARE ABOUT SOMEBODY.

I KNOW, AND THAT'S WHY

I'M CALLING YOU.

I'M SORRY THAT I DID THIS

TO YOU.

THANK YOU.

BUT I'M NOT SORRY

I DID THIS FOR ME.

I'M NOT READY FOR ALL THIS.

I GET IT.

MAYBE SOMEDAY.

YOU'RE GONNA HANG UP ON ME NOW,

AREN'T YOU?

YES.

(beep)

(pours martinis)

HEY.

HOW'D IT GO?

GOOD.

WELL, CHEERS TO US.

TO MOVING ON.

I FINALLY GOT OVER

THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY,

AND YOU... GOT AWAY.

(clink)

I TOLD YOU IT'S DUMB

TO GET CAUGHT UP WITH ONE GUY.

IT'S CLAUSTROPHOBIC.

IT'S LIKE LIVING IN

A BIG BEAUTIFUL APARTMENT

AND ONLY HANGING OUT

IN THE BATHROOM.

(Des'ree's "You Gotta Be"

playing)

WHAT'S GOING ON?

BACK IN JUNIOR HIGH,

THIS WAS MY FAVORITE

POST-BREAKUP EMPOWERMENT SONG.

(singing along)

♪ LISTEN AS YOUR DAY UNFOLDS ♪

♪ CHALLENGE WHAT

THE FUTURE HOLDS ♪

♪ TRY AND KEEP YOUR HEAD UP

TO THE SKY ♪

♪ YOU GOTTA BE ♪

(humming)

♪ YOU GOTTA BE BAD,

YOU GOTTA BE BOLD ♪

♪ YOU GOTTA BE-- ♪

(music stops)

(clatter)

BIG MOVE.

YEP. THANKS.

(door slams)

(thud)

(slow motion voice) AAH!

(thuds)

AAH!

(thuds)

AAH!

(woman speaks Japanese)

♪♪♪

(James speaks Japanese)

(James and woman

speak Japanese)

(gong crashes)

(woman speaking Japanese)