Original subtitles

(June) I'M LEARNING

THAT AS RELATIONSHIPS EVOLVE

AND THE LAYERS ARE PEELED BACK,

YOU CAN START TO SEE YOUR

FRIENDS IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT.

SOMETIMES THEY SURPRISE YOU,

AND SOMETIMES THEY DON'T.

HEY, JUNE.

ALLEN.

YOU'RE TALKING TO ME

INSTEAD OF SPREADING RUMORS

THAT I'M BI.

WELL, LOOK, IN MY DEFENSE,

I ONLY DID THAT

BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME

A FAT BEAST BEHIND MY BACK.

I NEVER CALLED YOU A FAT BEAST.

I WAS SAY--

IT'S OKAY, JUNE.

I'M OVER IT. SERIOUSLY.

AND IN THE SPIRIT

OF FORGIVENESS,

I'D LIKE TO INVITE YOU SOMEPLACE

THAT'S VERY SPECIAL TO ME.

I WOULD LOVE TO.

I MEAN, THAT IS SO GREAT OF YOU

TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON.

I'D LOVE TO.

I WANTED TO BRING SOMEONE

I'VE MENDED A RELATIONSHIP WITH

TO SEE ME TAKE A CHIP

FOR 60 DAYS OF ABSTINENCE.

OH, ALLEN. THAT IS GREAT.

I'M SO GLAD YOU INVITED ME

TO YOUR OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS

MEETING.

THIS IS

AN ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETING.

IF YOU MUST KNOW, I HAVE

ONE DAY OF ABSTINENCE IN O.A.,

AS I DESTROYED SOME

MONGOLIAN BARBECUE LAST NIGHT

AFTER A... DIFFICULT

CONVERSATION WITH MY ROOMMATE.

WELCOME.

WE'LL BE STARTING

TODAY'S MEETING

WITH ONE OF

OUR FAVORITE SPEAKERS.

HI.

I'M CHLOE,

AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

(all) HI, CHLOE.

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

SO I PICKED MYSELF UP,

AND I WIPED THE GUACAMOLE

AND BLOOD OFF MY SHORTS,

AND I TOLD JULIANNA MARGULIES

THAT I WOULD PAY

TO FIX HER NEPHEW'S TEETH.

(all laugh)

(all) KEEP COMING BACK.

IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT.

SO WORK IT,

BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT!

CHLOE.

JUNE! OF COURSE YOU'RE HERE.

GOOD FOR YOU.

I GUESS I ALWAYS KNEW

YOU HAD A DRINKING PROBLEM

AND I JUST DIDN'T WANNA

SEE IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THIS IS AN A.A. MEETING.

I'M IN A.A.

IT'LL BE THREE YEARS

AND EIGHT MONTHS IN APRIL,

GOD WILLING.

HOW ARE YOU IN A.A.?

YOU ARE ALWAYS DRINKING.

OH, I'M NOT IN A.A.

BECAUSE I'M SOBER.

I'M IN IT BECAUSE

IT'S THE BEST PLACE

TO TELL MY CRAZY,

WILD DRINKING STORIES

TO AN AUDIENCE

WHO ACTUALLY APPRECIATES THEM.

IT'S LIKE HOW BLACK COMEDIANS

GET THE BIGGEST LAUGHS

FROM BLACK PEOPLE,

WHEREAS WHITE PEOPLE

BE ALL LIKE...

(nasal voice)

"WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?

CAN I HAVE ANOTHER

SHIRLEY TEMPLE?"

(laughing) RIGHT, GERALD?

YOU GET IT.

OH, I ALSO TAKE THE BOOZE

FROM ALCOHOLICS

WHO ARE ACTUALLY

STILL STRUGGLING.

FREE BOOZE!

COME ON, JUNE.

I'M ALWAYS DRINKING.

THAT ISN'T CHEAP.

CHLOE, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED

OF YOURSELF,

USING THESE INNOCENT PEOPLE.

THEY'RE NOT THAT INNOCENT.

RANDALL OVER THERE,

HE DID 14 JAGER BOMBS

AND TOOK HIS KID ON A BOAT.

BAD NEWS--HE LOST CUSTODY

OF HIS KID.

GOOD NEWS--KEPT CUSTODY

OF HIS BOAT.

WHAT'S UP, SAINT LUCIA?

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

(cell phone rings)

(beep)

DONNIE, HEY.

SUPERSTAR! HOW'S IT HANGIN'?

HOW'S YOUR DONG HANGIN'?

(laughs)

ANY NEWS? HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT

THE SCORSESE MOVIE I'M UP FOR?

NO DECISION YET,

BUT I HEARD YOU'RE

ON THE SHORT LIST.

THAT'S AMAZING.

WELL, DON'T GET EXCITED

JUST YET.

MARTY'S CONCERNED

YOU'RE A LITTLE...

LIGHTWEIGHT.

LIGHTWEIGHT?

That you're not deep enough

for the role.

HE LIKES TO CAST ACTORS

WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH TRAUMA--

SUICIDE ATTEMPTS, JAIL TIME.

MARK WAHLBERG WAS IN

"THE DEPARTED,"

AND HE BEAT A VIETNAMESE MAN

HALF-BLIND.

WELL, I-I'VE HAD TRAUMA. I--

ONE TIME, MY BANK SENT ME CHECKS

WITHOUT SPACES BETWEEN

THE "VAN," THE "DER,"

AND THE "BEEK."

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

MARTY'S A FAN.

YOU'RE STILL IN THE MIX.

(sighs) OKAY. I GUESS.

Also, unrelated,

I'M LETTING ALL MY CLIENTS IN

ON SOMETHING.

WE GOT SOME NEWS ABOUT

MY WIFE'S HEALTH, AND--

(beep)

(clatter)

(sighs)

LIGHTWEIGHT?

SO THEN CHLOE WALKS OUT

OF THE A.A. MEETING

LIKE SHE JUST DID

A GOOD DEED.

SHE IS A PIECE OF WORK.

SEE ANYONE FAMOUS THERE?

OBVIOUSLY,

I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT,

BUT I WILL TELL YOU

THAT I'LL NEVER BE ABLE

TO WATCH "NIGHT COURT"

THE SAME WAY AGAIN.

I KNOW WHO IT IS. I KNOW

WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

OKAY, THERE YOU GO.

YOUR NEW PHONE

IS ALL SET UP.

THANK YOU, MARK.

I HATE TECHNOLOGICAL STUFF.

I'M SO BAD AT IT.

NO PROBLEM.

I NOTICED MOST OF YOUR PHOTOS

ARE 2-SECOND LONG VIDEOS.

MY MOM DOES THE SAME THING.

IT'S CUTE.

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

HEY, MARK, I'VE TOLD YOU ABOUT

MY FRIEND MARISA, RIGHT?

THE ONE I HAD

THE SECRET LANGUAGE WITH

WHEN WE WERE BRIEFLY LESBIANS

TOGETHER AT CHICO STATE?

D-THE G-OO YUH-THE G-OO

R-THE-GUH M-THE G-EM

B-THE G-ER?

DO YOU REMEMBER?

I'VE TRIED TO ERASE IT

FROM MY HEAD,

BUT YEP,

IT'S STILL IN THERE.

OKAY, WELL, I WANNA

SET YOU UP WITH HER.

SHE IS SMART. SHE IS CUTE.

SHE HAS A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

PEPPER, MARK DOESN'T WANNA

BE SET UP WITH SOME--

YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY NOT?

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE

JENNIFER AND I BROKE UP.

I'LL DO IT.

YAY!

(laughs)

(laughs)

I'M GONNA CALL THAT HOOKER.

OKAY.

DO YOU REALLY WANNA GO ON A DATE

WITH A FRIEND OF PEPPER'S?

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE I GOT

ANYTHING ELSE GOING ON, RIGHT?

YEAH. AH.

NO, YOU DON'T HAVE

ANYTHING ELSE. HO-HO!

I HAVEN'T HEARD YOU LAUGH

LIKE THAT.

YEAH, ME NEITHER.

SO THEN I WAS LIKE,

"TACOS? WHAT FISH TACOS?"

(all laugh)

UH, I'M MICHAEL,

AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

(all) HI, MICHAEL.

I DID SOMETHING HORRIBLE

FOUR YEARS AGO,

AND NOW I FEEL LIKE

I'M ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT.

(door closes)

I WENT OUT TO BUY

A PACK OF CIGARETTES...

(Michael speaks indistinctly)

I GOT NEWS.

I'M ON THE SHORT LIST

FOR A MARTIN SCORSESE MOVIE.

OH, MY GOD. THAT'S AMAZING.

BUT APPARENTLY,

I GUESS HE'S CONCERNED

THAT I'M NOT DEEP ENOUGH

FOR THE ROLE.

(Michael, voice breaking)

AND I THOUGHT

I COULD SEE OUT

THE REARVIEW MIRROR,

BUT MY DOG, HE COULDN'T SEE ME.

(Michael speaking indistinctly)

BUT I'VE BEEN THINKING,

MAYBE I DON'T HAVE

LIFE EXPERIENCE

THAT'S DEEP ENOUGH,

BUT I HAVE SOMETHING

EVEN BETTER--

INCREDIBLE ACTING TALENT.

I'LL JUST PRETEND

TO BE DEEP.

YOU ARE SO GOOD

AT PRETENDING.

RIGHT?

SO I'M THINKING WHAT I SHOULD DO

IS PROBABLY TALK TO PEOPLE

WHO HAVE HAD

TRAUMATIC LIFE EXPERIENCES.

SO WHERE DO I FIND

PEOPLE LIKE THAT?

"ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN,

MEEMO!"

(whispers) "ALL DOGS."

OH! (chuckles)

DUH.

(slaps thigh)

I'LL GO GET ONE OF

THOSE GLAZED DOUGHNUTS.

I ALWAYS BRAINSTORM BEST

ON A FULL TUMMY.

ALL RIGHT,

LET'S HEAR IT FOR MICHAEL.

DOUG, YOU'RE UP. BUM US OUT.

I WAS LIVING IN ORLANDO..

(horns honk)

THANKS SO MUCH FOR HELPING ME

SET UP MY NEW DESK, MARK.

I BOUGHT IT ONLINE

FROM THIS HUNGARIAN COMPANY.

AND THE WORDS

IN THE INSTRUCTIONS

ARE ALMOST ALL CONSONANTS.

WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING

I KNOW HUNGARIAN.

YOU DO?

NOPE.

JUST FEEL PRESSURED TO HELP.

SAVED ANOTHER LIFE!

OH, JUNE, YOU KNOW HIM.

IT'S YOUR COWORKER ALLEN.

CHLOE, YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT.

IT'S AN ANONYMOUS PROGRAM.

OH! I SEE WHY

I'VE BEEN CONFUSED.

YEAH, APPARENTLY INSTRUCTION ZOR

COMES BEFORE INSTRUCTION OCTH.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU CAN'T KEEP USING

THESE PEOPLE.

I'M NOT USING THEM. THEY HAVE TO

GET RID OF THEIR BOOZE ANYWAY,

SO IN A WAY, I'M HELPING.

I'M SAVING LIVES.

I'M LIKE A DOCTOR.

THEY NEED THIS PROGRAM.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO THEM.

YOU CAN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT

FOR YOUR OWN SELFISH GAIN.

LISTEN, I FULLY SUPPORT

WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE DOING.

I THINK IT'S GREAT.

I LOVE PEOPLE

THAT DON'T DRINK.

SHORTER LINE AT THE BAR.

BUT WHILE WE ARE

POINTING FINGERS,

YOU ARE THE ONE

THAT'S USING SOMEONE--

DRAMATIC PAUSE--

THAT GUY IN THE OTHER ROOM.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU KNOW

THAT MARK LIKES YOU,

BUT YOU'RE STILL HAVING HIM

DO FAVORS--

SETTING UP YOUR iPhone,

PUTTING TOGETHER YOUR DESK,

POINTING OUT WHEN YOUR MASCARA

COLLECTS IN YOUR EYE CORNERS,

WHICH I CAN TELL

HE HASN'T DONE YET TODAY.

COME ON.

I AM NOT USING MARK.

I'M NOT EVEN SURE

IF HE LIKES ME.

HE'S NEVER TOLD ME THAT

HIMSELF.

I ONLY HEARD IT SECONDHAND

FROM JAMES.

OH, NO, IT'S TRUE.

I DO LIKE YOU, JUNE.

I LIKE YOU A LOT.

HO-HO!

TOLD YA.

(door slams)

SO...

YOU LIKE ME.

YEAH, I DO.

I-I'VE BEEN WANTING TO BRING IT

UP WITH YOU FOR A WHILE,

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HOW.

AND WELL,

I GUESS IT'S OUT NOW.

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

(thud)

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

WHO'S THROWING CONDOMS?

SO, UM, MARK,

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE

ABOUT YOU...

A-AS A FRIEND.

I KNOW.

I KINDA THOUGHT THAT WAS WHAT

YOU WERE GONNA SAY,

WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY I'VE BEEN

NERVOUS TO SAY ANYTHING.

SO... WE CAN STAY FRIENDS?

OF COURSE.

ALL GOOD. NO WORRIES.

CAN SOMEONE HAND ME

MY CONDOM BACK, PLEASE?

OKAY, GOOD. AND YOU DON'T FEEL

LIKE--LIKE I'M USING YOU, RIGHT?

I LIKE DOING STUFF FOR YOU.

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH, IT'S TOTALLY COOL.

NOW I GOTTA GO BUY

A HUNGARIAN DICTIONARY.

(chirps)

HUNGARIAN DICTIONARY STORE.

(chirps)

(automated female voice)

I FOUND FOUR GAY BARS NEAR YOU

SIMILAR TO THAT NAME.

(door closes)

JUNE, TAKE A SEAT.

SIT.

(pats countertop)

SIT DOWN.

(pats countertop)

SIT.

(pats countertop)

REST.

I'M SITTING.

OH, WONDERFUL.

(sets down tumbler)

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT

THAT YOU HAVE MARK

DO THINGS FOR YOU...

BECAUSE YOU LIKE

HAVING HIM AROUND?

BECAUSE YOU LIKE SEEING HIM?

BECAUSE YOU LIKE HIM?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I JUST NEEDED HELP.

FROM ONLY HIM?

EVERY TIME? ALWAYS MARK?

I'M SUGGESTING HERE

THAT YOU LIKE MARK

BUT YOU'RE NOT ADMITTING IT

TO YOURSELF.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

MARK IS MY FRIEND.

I DON'T LIKE HIM

ANY MORE THAN THAT.

YOU ARE TALKING CRAZY RIGHT NOW.

YOU ARE DRUNK.

OH, YEAH.

I HAVE TO GET TO A.A.

THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME.

STAND.

STAND UP.

STAND.

STAND UP.

YOU'RE ON MY PURSE!

OH. SORRY.

(Chloe sighs)

(voice breaks) I THOUGHT

MY HUSBAND WOULD NEVER FIND OUT,

BUT HE OPENED UP MY CLOSET DOOR,

AND THERE I WAS...

(whispers) CLUTCHING THE BOTTLE.

EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU, UH, DESCRIBE

TO ME WHAT THAT LOOKED LIKE?

SPECIFICALLY, WHAT WERE

YOU DOING WITH YOUR HANDS?

AND COULD YOU TALK

A LITTLE LOUDER, PLEASE?

I DON'T KNOW IF

IT'S THE SHAME OR WHAT,

BUT YOUR VOICE IS

EXTREMELY SOFT.

MY TURN! I WANNA TELL ONE!

SO I WAS IN

A FULL-ON BLACKOUT

AT FAMILY FUN DAY

WITH JULIANNA MARGULIES.

UM... EXCUSE ME?

ALLEN, CAN YOU STOP TEXTING?

THAT'S REALLY RUDE.

I'M SORRY. I'VE JUST HEARD YOU

TELL THIS ONE BEFORE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE HEARD ME

TELL THIS ONE BEFORE?

JULIANNA MARGULIES,

BLOOD, GUACAMOLE.

YOU MEAN... I'M REPEATING

DRINKING STORIES?

HAVE I RUN OUT OF MATERIAL?

OKAY, I NEED TO HEAR

FROM SOMEBODY

WHO'S HAD SOME ACTUAL TRAUMA.

WHO'S HAD TRAUMA? TRAUMA?

TRA--ANYBODY? YOU, SIR.

JUDGING BY THE AMOUNT OF DENIM

YOU'RE WEARING,

I BET YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH

SOME ROUGH STUFF.

GO.

WAIT A MINUTE. LUTHER?

LUTHER FROM THE "L" TRAIN.

NO.

OH, YES.

MNH-MNH.

(chuckles)

HEY. YOU DIDN'T COME BACK

LAST NIGHT.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY

BETWEEN US?

LOOK, I'M GLAD I GLAD I FINALLY

TOLD YOU HOW I FEEL,

AND IF YOU'RE NOT FEELING IT,

IT'S BETTER I KNOW NOW.

GOOD, BECAUSE OUR FRIENDSHIP

IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME.

AND, OF COURSE,

I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO FINISH

PUTTING TOGETHER MY DESK.

I'M DOING IT MYSELF.

BUT I WAS GONNA ASK YOU IF YOU

COULD SEPARATE THESE BAD BOYS?

I WAS ANGRY AND I FORCED IT.

MARK, GOOD NEWS.

MARISA IS IN.

SHE WANTS TO GO OUT

THIS SATURDAY NIGHT AT 8:00.

OH. OKAY, YEAH,

THAT WORKS FOR ME.

HO-HO! (coughs) HO-HO!

YOU OKAY, JUNE?

YEAH. YEAH.

IT'S JUST, UM...

SO HOT.

I COULD ACTUALLY SUE YOU,

THIS COFFEE'S SO HOT.

(chuckles nervously)

IN ADDITION TO BEING

AN AMAZING DEEJAY,

MARISA ALSO BAKES.

WOW. SHE SOUNDS LIKE

THE WHOLE PACKAGE.

(coughs and gags)

OH, GOD! IT'S SO HOT!

WHY IS IT SO HOT?

(clears throat)

IT BURNED THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH.

I HAD A ROOF, LIKE,

A MINUTE AGO.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

YEAH. OH, YEAH.

EVERYTHING IS FINE.

DO YOU MIND IF I GO OUT

WITH MARISA ON SATURDAY NIGHT?

HUH? DO I MIND?

BECAUSE IF YOU DID MIND...

I GUESS THEN I WOULD WONDER

WHY YOU MIND,

SINCE WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

YEAH. THAT'D BE WEIRD

IF I MINDED.

BUT I DON'T, SO WE DON'T

HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.

GREAT.

I NEED YOUR HELP!

WITH... RESEARCH ANALYSIS

FROM HARKIN.

YOU'RE SO GOOD WITH NUMBERS.

AND I NEED HELP FROM YOU,

AND I NEED IT...

SATURDAY

AT 8:00.

REALLY?

THE EXACT TIME

YOU NEED MY HELP

IS WHEN I'M SUPPOSED

TO GO OUT ON A DATE.

YES.

YOU SURE?

YEAH.

I AM.

OKAY.

THEN SATURDAY AT 8:00 IT IS.

PEPPER, I'M GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL

THE DATE WITH MARISA. I'M SORRY.

WELL, THAT'S A BUMMER.

BUT THANKFULLY, MARISA IS

EXTREMELY EMOTIONALLY STABLE,

SO SHE'S NOT GONNA GET

TOO UPSET ABOUT IT.

JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF SAD.

GOD, SHE'S PERFECT.

JAMES, YOU NEED

TO LOOK AT THIS.

OKAY, YOU NEED TO PUT DOWN

YOUR FIBER STIX ONE

AND LOOK AT THIS IMMEDIATELY.

LUTHER, I'M NOT GONNA WATCH YOU

PUT YOUR FINGER OVER

ACTRESSES' FACES AND COME UP

WITH PUNS FOR THEIR NAMES, OKAY?

"WHITNEY THUMBINGS"?

(laughs) NO.

THIS.

(taps magazine)

YOU WERE SPOTTED COMING OUT

OF AN A.A. MEETING.

DAMN IT! (sighs)

(exhales deeply)

WHY CAN'T THE PAPARAZZI EVER

CATCH ME WHEN I LOOK COOL,

LIKE WHEN I'M GIVING

A SHORTER GUY DIRECTIONS?

MM.

(cell phone rings)

OH.

(ring)

(beep)

DONNIE, I CAN EXPLAIN.

EXPLAIN WHAT?

HOW YOU'RE A GENIUS?

DON'T BOTHER, CAPTAIN FANTASTIC.

I ALREADY KNOW.

MARTY HEARD ABOUT

YOU BEING IN A.A.,

AND HE'S HAPPY

YOU'RE FLAWED AND TORTURED.

You're now on

the short short list.

THAT'S AMAZING!

THANK YOU, DONNIE.

Of course. You deserve it.

ALSO, I WANTED TO

KEEP YOU UP TO SPEED

ON THIS THING WITH MY WIFE.

TURNS OUT IT'S NOT JUST

HER THYROID.

It's h--

(beep)

I'M THE BEST!

"JADA PINKIE SMITH."

(laughs, speaks indistinctly)

(laughs)

(sighing)

I JUST HAD

A HUGE REVELATION.

CAN IT WAIT? I'M BRAINSTORMING

WILD DRINKING STORIES WITH ELI.

I NEED TO COME WITH SOMETHING

NEW AND OUTRAGEOUS FOR A.A.

I'M LOSING MY AUDIENCE!

WHAT ABOUT THIS--

END A DRUNKEN FIGHT

AT A GROCERY STORE

BY THROWING UP

ALL OVER THE PLUMS?

WHY ARE ALL OF YOUR IDEA

FOOD-RELATED? ARE YOU HUNGRY?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM PECKISH.

MAYBE SOME BEEF?

LIKE IN A SHAPE? LIKE...

SHAPED BEEF?

THIS IS IMPORTANT!

I DO LIKE MARK!

MM.

I SABOTAGED HIS DATE

WITH ANOTHER GIRL

BECAUSE THE IDEA OF HIM

GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE

TRIGGERED SOMETHING IN ME

THAT I DIDN'T KNOW WAS THERE.

MM-HMM. HE'S YOUR MARK,

AND NO ONE ELSE CAN HAVE HIM.

HER WHORE HANDS RUNNING THROUGH

HIS FUZZY, CUTE HAIR.

"I LIKE YOUR HAIR!"

SHUT UP! I HATE YOUR VOICE!

I LIKE MARK...

I GUESS AS MORE THAN A FRIEND.

WHAT DO I DO?

I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION

THAT I ASK

ALL OF MY SOBER SISTERS--

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

WELL...

I MEAN, THIS IS ALL SO NEW.

AND HE PROBABLY THINKS

I'M CRAZY...

MM.

BECAUSE LAST NIGHT I TOLD HIM

I LIKED HIM AS A FRIEND,

AND TODAY I SABOTAGED

HIS DATE.

AND, I MEAN,

I'M ALL MIXED MESSAGES.

LOOK, IF THERE'S ONE THING

I HAVE LEARNED FROM

PRETENDING TO BE SOBER IN A.A.

FOR THREE AND A HALF YEARS,

IT'S ALWAYS BE AUTHENTIC.

LET YOUR WALLS DOWN, JUNE.

GRAB A BAT

AND START SWINGIN'

UNTIL THOSE BRICKS COME

TUMBLING DOWN.

(gasps) ELI, THAT'S IT!

I'VE GOT MY STORY!

GO ON, GIRL! GET IT!

MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT.

I NEED TO BE AUTHENTIC

AND HONEST ABOUT HOW I FEEL.

AND MARK AND I NEED TO HAVE

A GOOD, LONG TALK.

WELL, I FEEL BETTER.

YEAH. I'M GLAD

WE FINALLY DID THAT.

(door slams)

SO I TOLD MARK I LIKED HIM.

AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW,

WE'RE HAVING SEX.

SO YOU STARTED TALKING

WITH YOUR MOUTH

AND YOU ENDED TALKING

WITH YOUR GENITALS.

I HAVE TO SAY, JUNE,

I'M DEEPLY IMPRESSED.

IT WAS AWFUL.

YES, I KNOW.

IT CAN BE EMOTIONALLY CONFUSING

AND AWFUL AND TERRIBLE.

NO, NO, NO. I DON'T MEAN

EMOTIONALLY AWFUL.

I MEAN THE SEX ITSELF WAS

LITERALLY MECHANICALLY AWFUL.

I'M TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE

WHO DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SEX IS.

LIKE, BAD, SWEATY,

CLUNKY, SEX.

LIKE TWO BABIES

HAVING INTERCOURSE.

GROSS, JUNE! WHY'D YOU HAVE TO

PUT THAT IMAGE IN MY HEAD?

I'M ABOUT TO GO

TO LITTLE LEAGUE.

THAT'S MY NEW CRAZY STORY

FOR A.A.

I'M GONNA CAUSE A DRUNKEN SCENE

AT LITTLE LEAGUE,

KISS A FATHER, AND THEN GRAB

A METAL BAT OUT OF A KID'S HAND

AND JUST START SWINGIN'.

(clicks tongue)

SORRY TO, UH,

TAKE UP YOUR BREAK.

I JUST KINDA THOUGHT

WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT...

WHAT HAPPENED.

NO, IT'S GREAT.

I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU.

THIS IS WHAT BREAKS ARE FOR.

YEAH!

SO...

WE DID IT.

YEAH. THAT WAS SURPRISING.

YEAH.

(chuckles)

YOU TELLING ME YOU LIKE ME

AND THEN CLIMBING

ON TOP OF ME...

DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

ME NEITHER. GUESS I GOT

CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT.

(chuckles)

AND WHAT A MOMENT.

IT WAS...

FANTASTIC.

IT WAS FANTASTIC.

IT WAS FANTASTIC SEX.

IT WAS!

I COMPLETELY AGREE.

THAT WAS SOME FANTASTIC SEX.

IT WAS AWFUL.

THANK GOD YOU SAID IT.

I TOTALLY AGREE.

IT WAS AWFUL! SO BAD!

SO BAD! I MEAN, AND--

BUT WHY WAS IT SO BAD?

I MEAN, WE LIKE EACH OTHER.

IT SHOULD'VE BEEN GOOD.

I KNOW!

IT--IT WAS MY FAULT.

I HAD JUST EATEN

A WHOLE BUNCH

OF SALT AND PEPPER SHRIMP

AT HOP SONG.

I WAS PUFFY.

NO, IT WAS MY FAULT.

I HAD TO PEE THE WHOLE TIME.

I WAS TRYING TO HOLD IT IN.

THAT'S WHERE MY FOCUS WAS.

I HAD TO PEE, TOO!

DO YOU THINK IT WAS JUST

SOME--SOME WEIRD FLUKE?

MAYBE. DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD

TRY IT AGAIN?

WE HAVE TO. RIGHT?

YEAH. WE HAVE TO.

LET'S DO IT.

GOOD.

AND THIS TIME, LET'S BOTH PEE

BEFORE WE MAKE LOVE.

(whispers) YEAH.

TERRIBLE.

AWFUL.

MAYBE SOME WINE WOULD

HELP TAKE THE EDGE OFF?

TERRIBLE.

AWFUL.

MAYBE WE SHOULD

MIX THINGS UP,

GET A LITTLE RACY,

DO IT IN A PUBLIC PLACE.

(rustling)

(June) THAT WAS STILL TERRIBLE.

(Mark) THAT SQUIRREL IS

STARING INTO MY SOUL.

MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY TO GET

A LITTLE RACY INDOORS?

IT'S GETTING WORSE, RIGHT?

WORSE AND WORSE.

(door creaks)

OKAY, ENOUGH.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN HAVING

BAD SEX,

AND I'M TIRED

OF HAVING TO HEAR IT

WITH MY EAR PRESSED UP

AGAINST THE WALL.

IT IS INTERVENTION TIME.

SO... AS THEY SAY IN A.A.,

AREN'T YOU SICK AND TIRED

OF BEING SICK AND TIRED?

THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY

IS DOING THE SAME THING

OVER AND OVER

AND EXPECTING

A DIFFERENT RESULT.

James: CHLOE'S RIGHT.

I THINK THE MOMENT

I FINALLY REACHED BOTTOM

WAS THE MOMENT I DECIDED

TO STOP DIGGING.

ZIP IT, JAMES.

YOU'RE NOT DEEP.

I HAD STARTED MAKING

A HUGE DRUNKEN SCENE

AT A LITTLE LEAGUE GAME,

THEN THIS ONE SHOWS UP

ON HIS A.A. HIGH HORSE

AND TAKES THE BAT OUT OF MY HAND

AND TOTALLY STORY-BLOCKS ME.

ONE OF THE BIGGEST DIRECTORS

IN THE WORLD

THINKS THAT I'VE BEEN

WHERE YOU ARE, OKAY?

UNTIL HE GIVES ME THAT ROLE,

I'M GONNA KEEP ON WRESTLING

MY DEMONS.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY IN A.A.!

NEITHER ARE YOU.

I'M MORE OF A REAL FAKE

ALCOHOLIC THAN YOU ARE.

NO, NOBODY IS BETTER

AT PRETENDING THAN I AM.

OKAY? I'M IN A GUILD

OF PRETENDERS.

UGH. I NEED A DRINK.

STOP SEXING.

IT DOESN'T WORK.

SOMETIMES

YOU REALLY WANT SOMETHING,

BUT IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE.

YOU NEED TO HAVE THE COURAGE

TO ACCEPT

THE THINGS

YOU CANNOT CHANGE.

(door closes)

DON'T LISTEN TO THEM.

WE'LL JUST KEEP TRYING

UNTIL WE GET IT RIGHT.

LET'S KEEP TRYING. ABSOLUTELY.

OKAY.

(laughs)

(laughs)

(clicks switch)

(crying)

ARE YOU...

(sniffles)

CRYING?

(clicks switch)

(sobbing)

I'M JUST SO TIRED.

AND THE SEX IS JUST SO BAD!

IT'S ALL I WANTED FOR SO LONG,

AND IT SHOULD BE GOOD,

BUT IT JUST ISN'T.

I KNOW.

IT'S LIKE, IN THEORY,

THINGS SHOULD WORK BETWEEN US.

BUT IN REALITY,

THEY JUST... DON'T.

AND, I MEAN,

SEX IS A VERY IMPORTANT PART

OF A RELATIONSHIP.

MAYBE WE'RE JUST

NOT COMPATIBLE IN THAT WAY.

YEAH.

(sighs)

MAYBE NOT.

I'M AFRAID IF WE KEEP TRYING

TO MAKE THIS WORK

AND IT DOESN'T,

IT'S GONNA RUIN

OUR FRIENDSHIP.

THAT'S TOO IMPORTANT TO ME.

IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME.

(sighs) MAYBE FOR RIGHT NOW,

WE'RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS.

YEAH.

GOOD FRIENDS.

YOU OKAY WITH THAT?

ABSOLUTELY.

OH.

AND HEY,

IF IT'S OKAY WITH YOU,

MAYBE I WILL GO ON THAT DATE

WITH PEPPER'S FRIEND MARISA.

YEAH.

I THINK THAT IS

A GOOD IDEA.

HEY!

I DIDN'T DO

MY WEIRD "HO-HO!" LAUGH.

THAT'S GREAT!

YEAH.

(laughs)

YEAH, SO IT SOUNDS LIKE

THIS MARISA CHICK

IS A BIT OF A FIRECRACKER.

IF I COULD JUST

GET MY PANTS ON FIRST...

THANK YOU.

(door slams)

(woman) COME ON, TYLER!

GET A HIT FOR MOMMY!

(Chloe screaming)

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

(screaming continues)

(man) HEY. HEY! HEY! HEY!

HAROLD?! HAROLD!

UGH! HOLD MY CAMERA, JANINE.

(Chloe) I'M CRAZY!

(shouts indistinctly)

(woman) HAROLD,

GET AWAY FROM THAT WOMAN!

I'M CRAZY!

WHAT--

STAY BACK!

YOU GET AWAY FROM HIM,

YOU SLUT!

MA'AM. MA'AM, PLEASE. PLEASE.

SLUT! SLUT!

(shouts indistinctly)

WAH! THEY'RE GONNA LOVE THIS

IN A.A.!

AAH!

(woman shouts indistinctly)

Woman:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

(Chloe laughs)

(Harold) I THINK SHE'S DRUNK.

SHE IS--NO, YOU--

WHOO!