Original subtitles

(June) EVERY RELATIONSHIP HAS

ITS OWN DYNAMIC.

FOR EXAMPLE, MY MOM AND I STILL

LIKE TO TALK EVERY NIGHT

BEFORE BED.

And then the dog found

my other gardening clog.

And that's everything

that happened to me today.

And the day's

not over yet.

Let's put on some Lyle Lovett

and get horizontal.

Mmm.

OKAY, BYE.

EW.

(laughs)

(laughs)

BUT I DON'T THINK

I WILL EVER UNDERSTAND

CHLOE AND JAMES' DYNAMIC.

GOOD THING YOUR FACE WAS

SO OILY TONIGHT.

I COULD CHECK MY MAKEUP

IN YOUR FOREHEAD.

I WISH YOU HAD.

YOU LOOK LIKE A RUNNER-UP

AT A CHILD'S BEAUTY PAGEANT

IN OHIO.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST GOT BACK

FROM THE DOUCHIE AWARDS

AND YOU WON FIVE DOUCHIES.

ONLY AWARD YOU COULD EVER WIN IS

FOR LETTING RAPPERS TOUCH YOU.

I DON'T GET HOW YOU GUYS

TALK TO EACH OTHER LIKE THAT.

IT'S SO MEAN,

ESPECIALLY BEFORE BEDTIME.

IT'S NOT MEAN. IT'S JUST US.

AND WHAT I DON'T GET IS

WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE WEARING.

OH. THEY'RE MY MIDWEST

BREAKFAST PAJAMAS.

(pours liquor)

I'VE HAD THEM

SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,

YOU WERE A GROWN MAN PRETENDING

TO BE IN HIGH SCHOOL ON TV.

WATCHING ME PRETEND

TO BE IN HIGH SCHOOL ON TV

WAS AS CLOSE TO HIGH SCHOOL

AS YOU EVER GOT.

YOU ARE AGITATING ME.

I'M GONNA NEED A SECOND CUP

OF CHAMOMILE TO GO TO SLEEP.

OOH. PUT SOME OF THESE

IN THERE.

YOU'LL SLEEP LIKE

YOU'RE DEAD.

(pills rattle)

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

JUNE!

LOOK AT THIS BACKPACK

I FOUND ON THE SUBWAY.

I THINK IT BELONGS

TO A LITTLE KID,

BUT IT'S STILL GOT GOOD STUFF

IN IT.

(camera shutter clicks)

SORRY. JUST TAKING

A SELF-PORTRAIT FOR MY ART SHOW.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THIS SIDE,

THIS SIDE,

OR NAKED?

ART SHOW?

YEP. IT'S CALLED

"DIFFERENT BUTTER VIOLATIONS."

OOH. HOW ARE YOU GONNA

VIOLATE BUTTER?

I HOPE YOU SMACK AROUND SOME

MARGARINE. I HATE MARGARINE.

ACTUALLY, I'M RECREATING

SOME BUTTER VIOLATIONS

THAT I'VE ENCOUNTERED OVER

THE YEARS AS A HEALTH INSPECTOR.

YOU GUYS'LL BE THERE,

RIGHT?

OF COURSE, ELI.

WE WOULDN'T MISS--

IS THERE GONNA BE WINE?

LIKE, GOOD WINE?

LIKE, WINE I COULD DRINK

THIS FAST?

(slurping quickly)

(cell phone rings)

(beep)

HELLO. IS JAMES THERE?

(clippers buzzing)

UH... HEY.

UH, GOOD NEWS. BRUNCH WITH EMILY

TOMORROW IS STILL ON.

ARE YOU SURE?

YOU HAVEN'T LOST INTEREST

SINCE WE TALKED THIS MORNING?

NO. ISN'T THAT GREAT? I CAN'T

WAIT FOR YOU TO MEET HER.

SHE'S REALLY SMART,

POSITIVE ATTITUDE,

GREAT BREASTS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

ACTUALLY, "GREAT BREASTS" BEFORE

"POSITIVE ATTITUDE."

YOU--YOU SHOULD FLIP THOSE

IN YOUR MIND.

HOW'S MY FADE COMING?

THAT'S NOT WHAT

YOUR HAIRCUT'S CALLED.

WELL, I'M EXCITED

TO MEET EMILY.

I WON'T ROCK

ANYTHING TOO SLUTTY

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT

TO INTIMIDATE HER.

BUT I DO WANNA WEAR

MY NEW PUSH-UP BRA,

SO I'M GONNA HAVE TO

FIGURE THIS OUT.

(beep)

I CAN'T BELIEVE

JAMES HAS BEEN SEEING

THE SAME GIRL FOR A MONTH.

IT'S SO SWEET

THAT HE LIKES HER ENOUGH

THAT HE WANTS

TO INTRODUCE HER TO US.

IT'S LIKE WE'RE HIS PARENTS.

OR HIS FRIENDS, JUNE.

OR JUST HIS FRIENDS.

OH, I KNOW THIS PLACE.

I RAN OUT ON A CHECK HERE ONCE.

BUT IT'S OKAY.

I WAS WEARING A WIG.

HEY. THANK YOU FOR COMING.

THIS IS THE LOVELY EMILY.

(chuckles)

YOU MUST BE CHLOE.

IT'S SUCH A PLEASURE TO--

VETO.

OHH. I'M SORRY.

WE HAVE TO BREAK UP.

THIS WAS FUN, THOUGH.

W--I DON'T--

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I--

JAMES AND I HAVE VETO POWER OVER

WHOEVER THE OTHER ONE DATES.

YEAH, IF ONE OF US YELLS "VETO,"

THE OTHER ONE HAS TO HONOR IT

AND END THE RELATIONSHIP

IMMEDIATELY.

YOU'RE SAYING THAT LIKE

IT'S A THING, AND IT IS NOT.

IT IS A THING. IT'S OUR THING.

WE'VE BEEN DOING IT FOREVER.

EVER SINCE CHLOE WANTED TO DATE

NASCAR CHAMPION JEFF GORDON.

(stock car engines roaring)

VETO.

WHAT?!

VETO!

WHAT?!

VE--

(crowd cheering)

VETO!

BUT JEFF GORDON IS A CELEBRITY,

SO YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY.

BYE FOREVER.

UH...

DO YOURSELF A FAVOR, THOUGH.

COME BACK HERE SOMETIME

AND TRY THE CINNAMON BUNS.

THEY'RE AMAZING.

HOW COULD YOU VETO EMILY

SO QUICKLY?

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HER.

I DIDN'T NEED TO.

IT'S LIKE A SPECIAL POWER.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE SPECIAL POWERS

WHERE THEY CAN'T SEE,

AND SOME PEOPLE HAVE SPECIAL

POWERS WHERE THEY CAN'T HEAR.

THOSE ARE

BLIND AND DEAF PEOPLE.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY

LACKING POWERS.

(horse whinnies)

MY SPECIAL POWER IS,

I KNOW WHEN JAMES' RELATIONSHIPS

ARE GOING TO END BADLY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I DO IT,

BUT I TAKE ONE LOOK AT THE GIRL

AND IT'S LIKE

I "BEAUTIFUL MIND" IT.

AND TRUST ME,

IF HE KEPT GOING OUT WITH HER,

HE'D BECOME

SOFT AND COMPLACENT.

THAT POOR GIRL. YOU VETOED HER

RIGHT TO HER FACE.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN

GET ANY BREAD.

JUNE, IF YOU'RE NOT

BEING COMPLETELY HONEST

WITH YOUR FRIENDS,

THEN YOU'RE NOT HELPING THEM

BE THE BEST THAT

THEY CAN POSSIBLY BE.

BY THE WAY,

YOU'RE USING THE WRONG

FOUNDATION FOR YOUR SKIN TONE.

IT ACTUALLY CLASHES

WITH YOUR SKIN TONE.

IT'S LIKE YOUR FACE IS ONE GIRL,

AND YOUR NECK IS ANOTHER.

I JUST BOUGHT A WHOLE TUB

OF THIS STUFF!

I DON'T KNOW. I ALMOST THINK

TOO BIG IS WORSE THAN TOO SMALL.

I KNOW.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A GUY.

BUT TRUST ME,

IF YOU'RE A WOMAN,

SMALL JUST MAKES YOUR NOSE

LOOK GIANT.

ARE YOU GUYS STILL TALKING

ABOUT PENISES?

NO, WE'VE MOVED ON

TO SUNGLASSES.

DID WE?

OH. SPECIAL K IS CALLING.

SHE JUST GOT BACK FROM THAILAND.

I GOTTA GO.

OOH, SPEC--

(beep)

WHAT UP, BITCH?

(gasps) SHUT UP, BITCH.

I AM IN, BITCH.

(beep)

OOH!

SPECIAL K JUST TOLD ME

ABOUT A PARTY

THAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW

WHERE SPIKE LEE IS ANGRY.

JAMES HAS BEEN DYING

TO WORK WITH HIM.

WE'VE GOTTA GO.

OH, MY GOD! I LOVE HIM!

THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN!

I MEMORIZED EVERY WORD

OF "DO THE RIGHT THING."

PLEASE RECITE IT TO ME

WHILE I DO MY HAIR.

(hip-hop music playing)

"LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT

THE RIGHT HAND, LEFT HAND.

"IT IS A TALE

OF GOOD AND EVIL.

HATE--IT IS WITH THIS HAND

THAT CANE ICED HIS BROTHER."

GRAB YOUR LEAST ANNOYING FEDORA,

JAMES!

WE'RE...

GOING TO SEE SPIKE.

CHLOE. I CAN EXPLAIN.

WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?

I VETOED HER.

YEAH, I, UH...

(pauses DVR)

I DIDN'T END UP DOING THAT.

HI, EMILY. I'M JUNE.

WE MET AT BRUNCH.

"NORBIT"!

I HATED THIS MOVIE

UNTIL I REALIZED

THAT'S EDDIE MURPHY,

THAT IS EDDIE MURPHY...

AND GUESS WHAT?

THAT IS EDDIE MURPHY.

(door slams)

OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE CLOTHED UNDER THERE.

WHY DON'T I GIVE YOU GUYS

TIME TO TALK?

I'LL GO STAND IN THE...

DINING ROOM.

(forced laugh)

WON'T BE AWKWARD

THAT I CAN SEE YOU,

AND YOU CAN SEE ME.

TALK.

I...

(laughs)

I-I-I DON'T KNOW

WHAT TO SAY.

SHE LIKES ME FOR ME,

NOT THE GUY ON TV. RIGHT, EM?

OH, IT'S TRUE. I DIDN'T EVEN

KNOW HE WAS ON A SHOW.

UGH, VETO!

I VETO YOUR FACE.

CHLOE, IT'S DONE.

YOU CAN'T JUST OVERRIDE

THE VETO.

OR CAN HE?

THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME

JAMES HASN'T HONORED THE VETO.

(gasps)

(camera shutter clicks)

UGH!

LUTHER!

SORRY, JAMES. I COULDN'T RESIST.

CHLOE'S SHOCK-SNAPPED ME

SO MANY TIMES.

YOUR RELAXER

GOT DISCONTINUED.

(gasps)

(camera shutter clicks)

FIRE ISLAND EXPLODED.

(gasps)

(camera shutter clicks)

PATTI LaBELLE DIED.

(gasps loudly)

(camera shutter clicks)

ALL RIGHT, CHLOE,

LISTEN TO ME.

IT'S TRUE I HAVEN'T ALWAYS

HONORED THE VETO,

BUT ONLY TIMES WHEN

I REALLY, REALLY LIKED THE GIRL.

OR WANTED

TO KEEP SLEEPING WITH HER.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY.

AND YOU BROKE UP

WITH THOSE GIRLS ANYWAY,

WHICH MEANS I WAS RIGHT

TO VETO THEM.

YEAH. EVENTUALLY,

THOSE RELATIONSHIPS ENDED,

BUT I DECIDED WHEN,

NOT YOU.

I MEAN, YOU CAN BE

A LITTLE...

MM, DIFFICULT.

(gasps)

SOMETIMES IT'S EASIER

JUST TO TELL YOU ONE THING

AND THEN DO SOMETHING ELSE.

SO YOU'VE

JUST BEEN HUMORING ME?

NO! NO.

WELL...

I MEAN... YEAH, TECHNICALLY.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK.

CHLOE, LISTEN. I TOLD YOU.

I'M NOT GONNA BREAK UP

WITH EMILY.

NO, I MEANT YOU AND ME.

THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK.

I THINK WE SHOULD

TAKE A BREAK.

MAYBE WE SHOULD.

FINE.

BUT DON'T COME RUNNING TO ME

WHEN YOUR CAREER SUFFERS

BECAUSE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

WITH HER

MAKES YOU SOFT

AND COMPLACENT.

WELL, DON'T YOU COME RUNNING

BACK TO ME WHEN YOU REALIZE

HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO LIVE

IN A BEEK-LESS WORLD.

THIS IS SERIOUS. WE SHOULD DO

SOMETHING. THEY'RE BREAKING UP!

DON'T WORRY. I'VE GOT THIS.

HEY!

(camera shutter clicks)

NO!

(laughs) TOO SLOW, HO.

(gasps)

(singsongy) I STOLE

SPIKE LEE'S BASEBALL HAT.

I'M NOT WEARING IT. I WON'T WEAR

IT. BUT IT'S FUN TO HOLD.

GIVE ME YOUR KEYS.

I'LL PUT 'EM IN THERE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU WENT TO THAT PARTY

AFTER YOU AND JAMES

BROKE UP.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN FRIENDS

FOR SEVEN YEARS.

IT IS A BIG DEAL.

IT HAPPENS.

FRIENDSHIPS DIE.

HATS GET STOLEN.

KEYS GO IN THEM.

WELL, YOU CAN PRETEND

YOU DON'T CARE, BUT I CAN'T.

(sighs) YOU BOTH MEAN A LOT

TO ME,

AND I AM NOT GOING

TO CHOOSE SIDES.

I DID THAT ONE WEEKEND

WHEN MY PARENTS SPLIT UP.

I CHOSE MY DAD--

JUNE, CAN YOU SAVE

THIS AWESOME STORY

FOR WHEN YOU'RE HANGING OUT

WITH JAMES? THANKS.

HELLO, LADIES.

NOT TO SOUND LIKE "THATGUY,"

BUT MY ART SHOW FLYERS

ARE READY.

COOL! I'M EXCITED.

I LOVE BUTTER.

WHY? BECAUSE YOU'RE FROM

ONE OF THOSE STATES

WHERE CHOLESTEROL'S

A FOOD GROUP?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DO YOUR PEOPLE EAT

STRAIGHT FROM THE CHURN

OR DO THEY USE PLATES?

CHLOE, I'M NOT DOING

THIS MEAN THING WITH YOU.

DOES ANYONE IN YOUR FAMILY

HAVE THEIR ORIGINAL KNEES?

OH, GOD, I DON'T KNOW

IF IT'S ALLERGIES OR WHAT,

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING

IN THERE.

OH, FORGET IT!

YOU'RE TERRIBLE AT THIS!

(knock on door)

HELLO,

FORMER FRIEND OF JAMES.

I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY

OF RETURNING ALL THE POSSESSIONS

YOU LEFT AT HIS PLACE.

YOUR HANDCUFFS,

A GOO GOO DOLLS CD...

ANOTHER GOO GOO DOLLS CD,

AND A MAP

TO TED DANSON'S HOUSE.

GREAT, BECAUSE

I ALSO PUT TOGETHER

A BOX OF THINGS

THAT JAMES LEFT HERE.

THAT IS WEIRD. I HAVE

THAT SAME BACK SCRATCHER.

AND THAT IS A PHOTO

OF MY DOG MAISIE!

THIS IS MY STUFF!

OH, YOU CAUGHT THAT, HUH?

I WAS GONNA SAY, JAMES ALREADY

HAS TWO BACK SCRATCHERS.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT 'EM.

MMM!

(laughs)

(laughs)

IT'S AMAZING. NOBODY HAS EVER

COOKED IN THIS KITCHEN BEFORE.

HE WAS KEEPING MONEY

IN THE OVEN.

HA! I JUST THINK IT'S GREAT

THAT I CAN BE FRIENDS

WITH BOTH YOU AND CHLOE.

I'M GONNA BE TOTALLY NEUTRAL,

YOU KNOW?

I'M NOT PICKING MY DAD AGAIN.

WELL, SOUNDS LIKE THERE'S

A STORY HERE, JUNE.

LET'S BLOW PAST IT.

(quietly) OH.

I'M NOT PICKING SIDES, BUT I DO

THINK THAT YOU AND CHLOE SHOU--

I'M--I'M GONNA

STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

I DON'T NEED TO HEAR

ANYTHING ABOUT CHLOE.

I KNOW EXACTLY

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

THE NEXT TIME

SHE PROJECTILE VOMITS

IN A CLUB

FULL OF 20-SOMETHINGS,

SHE'S NOT GONNA HAVE ME

TO PAY THE DRY CLEANING BILL.

OKAY, SHE DIDN'T REALLY

PROJECTILE VOMIT ALL OVER--

LAST WEDNESDAY.

TWICE LAST MONTH.

SAW THE PICTURES

OF YOUR DINNER WITH JAMES

ON INSTAGRAM LAST NIGHT.

OH, YEAH, IT WAS FUN.

YEAH, IT LOOKED LIKE IT.

UH, DID YOU SEE

THE PICTURES I POSTED?

NO, I DIDN'T.

OH, RIGHT!

I DIDN'T POST ANY PICTURES,

BECAUSE I WAS HOME ALONE

WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY

ABOUT SNAKES.

(door bell jingles)

ALL, THIS IS BECKETT EVERETT.

HE'S GOT FOUR "T"s

IN HIS NAME.

HE JUST DID A THREE-EPISODE ARC

ON "HIGH SCHOOL FANGS."

THANK YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU WERE THE BEST PART

OF THE NEW ORLEANS 1800s

FLASHBACK SEASON.

YES, HE WAS. HE'S THE NEXT

JAMES VAN DER BEEK,

ONLY HE'S GONNA BE

EVEN HUGER AND BETTER.

HIS HEAD IS BETTER PROPORTIONED

THAN JAMES' WAS AT THAT AGE.

CHLOE, YOU CAN'T REPLACE JAMES.

YES, I CAN.

I REPLACED MY SHOES,

I REPLACED MY DOG,

I REPLACED MY ROOMMATE

UNTIL YOU PUT DOWN

ROOTS OF STEEL.

SUPERMAN

WAS THE MAN OF STEEL.

THAT WAS RANDOM.

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

DID YOUR HANDSOMENESS

JUST LEAK INTO YOUR BRAIN?

CAN THAT HAPPEN?

UGH! GOD!

WHY IS EVERYONE

SO BAD AT THIS?

CAN I HAVE $200

TO PAY MY CELL PHONE BILL?

I'VE BEEN BEEN PRANK CALLING

KELLY OSBOURNE MORE THAN USUAL.

I DON'T HAVE $200.

I'VE ONLY DONE, LIKE,

THREE EPISODES OF "H.S.F.,"

AND I'M SUPPORTING MY MOM.

SHE'S ALSO MY MANAGER.

(bells jingle)

I CALL HER MY "MOMAGER."

THANK YOU.

(bells jingle)

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA ♪

HEY, CHLOE, IT'S ME.

I GUESS YOU PAID YOUR BILL,

BECAUSE I'M LEAVING YOU

THIS MESSAGE.

JUST WANTED

TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OKAY,

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T

SEEN YOU SINCE YESTERDAY

WHEN YOU STORMED OUT

ON BECKETT EVERETT...

WHO ALSO HAS FIVE "E"s

IN HIS NAME.

NO ONE ELSE NOTICED IT.

ANYWAY, CALL ME.

(beep)

(knock on door)

(door creaks)

LUTHER.

ARE YOU OKAY?

I'VE SEEN SOMETHING,

AND I'M CONFLICTED.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

OR HOW TO FEEL.

I...

DO YOU WANT TO COME IN?

I DON'T...

THINK SO.

DO YOU AT LEAST WANT

TO TAKE OFF YOUR COAT?

NO.

NO.

OH, GOD.

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN

TO CHLOE?

MM-HMM.

DID SHE SPIRAL OUT

WITHOUT JAMES?

IS SHE IN JAIL?

IS SHE DEAD?

IS SHE DEAD IN THE STREET?

UNH-UNH.

♪ OH-OH, OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

I-I JUST...

I DON'T...

(speaking inaudibly)

♪ OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

(June) CHLOE HAS A JOB

WORKING AT GLOSS MOBILE?

IT'S AWFUL.

BUT ALSO...

KIND OF FUNNY.

LIKE A TORNADO RIPPING

THROUGH A BANANA FACTORY.

I SAW IT ON YouTube.

PEOPLE AND BANANAS,

SWIRLING AND SWIRLING...

(laughs)

IT'S SAD.

♪ OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

(door slams)

WHAT IS SHE DOING?

COME ON.

WE GOTTA GO IN

AND TALK TO HER.

MNH-MNH.

I DON'T ACT

UNTIL I KNOW HOW I FEEL.

I LEARNED THAT LESSON

WHEN I TRIED TO THROW MYSELF

INTO MY MOTHER'S COFFIN. MM.

(bell dings)

CHLOE?

UM... DO YOU...

WORK HERE

AT--AT... GLOSS MOBILE?

I'M SORRY. YOU'RE GONNA

HAVE TO TAKE A NUMBER.

BUT... THERE'S NO ONE

ELSE AROUND.

NUMBER, MA'AM.

9!

10!

10?

11!

I'M 11.

HI. WELCOME

TO GLOSS MOBILE.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

ARE YOU INTERESTED IN AN

ACCESSORY FOR YOUR DEVICE TODAY?

CHLOE,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I DON'T KNOW.

I CAME IN TO PAY MY BILL,

AND I GOT INTO IT WITH CUSTOMER

SERVICE ABOUT ROLLOVER MINUTES,

AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW

I WAS WORKING HERE.

IS THIS BECAUSE...

YOU NEED MONEY

SINCE YOU AND JAMES--

JUNE, THIS HAS

NOTHING TO DO WITH MONEY.

I HAVE PLENTY OF SCAMS

TO GENERATE MONEY.

I'M HERE BECAUSE...

(whispers) I LOVE IT.

UM, DID YOU CALL 10?

TWICE.

I'VE MOVED ON TO 11.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO STAY

WITHIN THE VICINITY.

I WAS STANDING

RIGHT OVER THERE.

I DIDN'T HEAR YOU CALL 10.

IRONIC THAT YOU'D BE A 10,

SEEING AS HOW

YOU'RE CLEARLY A 2.

YOU'RE AWFULLY CONFIDENT

FOR A GROWN WOMAN WITH BANGS.

LET ME GUESS

WHY YOU'RE HERE.

YOU DROPPED

YOUR PHONE IN THE TOILET

WHILE CARESSING

YOUR HOT DOG AND GRAPES?

EW. THOSE FOODS

DON'T EVEN GO TOGETHER.

I'M GONNA SWITCH CARRIERS.

HA! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

CHECK YOUR CONTRACT.

WE OWN YOUR ASS.

(inhales) AHH. SO SATISFYING.

(bell dings)

CHLOE, I THINK I KNOW

WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE.

YOU ARE TRADING INSULTS

WITH CUSTOMERS

BECAUSE YOU MISS

DOING THAT WITH JAMES.

NO. I KNOW

IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE ME.

BUT I REALLY THINK

I FOUND MY NICHE--

I LEARNED THAT WORD

IN TRAINING.

I LOVE GLO-MO.

I SIGNED UP

FOR 90 HOURS THIS WEEK.

I TRIED

TO SIGN UP FOR MORE,

BUT APPARENTLY,

THAT'S ALL THEY'RE OPEN.

I MEAN, NO WONDER

THE CHINESE ARE BEATING US.

12!

I'M NUMBERS 12

THROUGH 25.

I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

WAIT, I'M CONFUSED.

ISN'T IT A GOOD THING

THAT CHLOE HAS A JOB?

SHE'S CLEARLY HURTING.

CHLOE ISN'T THE KIND OF PERSON

WHO GETS A PAYCHECK,

OR WHO HEATS THINGS UP

IN THE MICROWAVE AT LUNCH.

THIS IS THE KIND OF THING

THAT SHE SPENT HER WHOLE LIFE

TRYING TO AVOID.

THIS IS HER ROCK BOTTOM.

YOU'RE DESCRIBING

REALLY NORMAL THINGS

IN A REALLY DRAMATIC WAY.

SHE WAS WEARING

PLEATED PANTS.

(voice breaks)

AND HER SHOES...

MY GOD, HER SHOES...

ORTHOPEDICS.

SOLID BLACK. DEAD AS NIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

THIS IS CHLOE

IN A BEEK-LESS WORLD.

(whispers) OH.

(door bell jingles)

ELI. ARE YOU OKAY?

I'VE SEEN SOMETHING...

I WAS AT MY ART SHOW, WHICH

YOU'RE ALL LATE FOR, BY THE WAY.

I SAW IT, AND...

I HAD TO LEAVE

AND COME FIND YOU. I JUST...

I DON'T KNOW.

♪ OH-OH, OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

♪ OH-OH ♪

♪ OH-OH, OH-OH, OH-OH ♪

OH! HEY, GANG!

OH, MY.

JAMES IS A GIANT PEACH.

(chuckles) YES, I KNOW.

I... PUT ON A LITTLE WEIGHT

SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU.

I JUST HAD DINNER WITH YOU

TWO DAYS AGO.

YEAH. I'M--I'M A QUICK FAT.

WHEN I'M HAPPY, I TEND

TO PUT ON WEIGHT LIKE THAT.

(laughs)

BUT IT'S OKAY.

EMILY DOESN'T MIND.

NO.

RIGHT, EM? SHOW THEM HOW

YOU RUB MY BELLY.

OH, I THINK HE'S ADORABLE.

(chuckles)

(laughs)

HE'S MY JIGGLY WIGGLY

JIGGLEPUSS.

I'LL GET SOME CHEESE CUBES.

ALL RIGHT.

(James chuckles)

AHH! I TELL YOU,

I JUST FEEL SO COMFORTABLE

WITH EMILY, WITH MYSELF.

IT JUST...

(sighs) I JUST FEEL GOOD

IN MY OWN BODY.

BUT, JAMES...

Y-YOU'RE AN ACTOR.

AREN'T--AREN'T YOU WORRIED

ABOUT YOUR CAREER?

NAH. MANY FINE ACTORS HAVE HAD

DRAMATIC WEIGHT GAINS

AND JUST KEPT

RIGHT ON WORKING.

UH, VAL KILMER,

VINCE VAUGHN, STEVEN SEAGAL.

I FIND ALL THREE OF THOSE PEOPLE

HARD TO LOOK AT.

ANYWAY, THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME.

THIS IS ABOUT ELI AND HIS SHOW.

RIGHT?

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS!

AH!

JAMES IS VOLUNTARILY DEFLECTING

ATTENTION FROM HIMSELF.

THIS IS HIS ROCK BOTTOM.

THAT HAS GOT TO BE

ELI'S MOTHER.

IT'S ELI IN A DRESS.

(laughs)

(door opens)

HEY. (groans)

SORRY, I'M LATE.

I COULDN'T LEAVE WORK EARLY

BECAUSE MY MANAGER RAJ

WAS BEING A REAL HARD ASS.

(sighs) BUT I RESPECT HIM.

HEY.

HEY.

LOOK. THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER.

THEY REALIZED WHAT A MESS

THEY ARE WITHOUT EACH OTHER

AND THEY'RE GONNA TALK.

YOUR VELCRO'S CROOKED.

THANKS.

YOU'VE GOT FROSTING

IN YOUR HAIR.

OH. I-I HAD FROSTING EARLIER.

(rips Velcro)

THAT'S IT?

THAT CAN'T BE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M DONE.

I'M NOT GONNA

STAND BACK HERE

AND WATCH THEM THROW AWAY

THIS BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.

NO MORE BEING NEUTRAL.

I CHOOSE MOM AND DAD.

HEY, LOOK.

YOU GUYS ARE FRIENDS,

SO YOU SHOULD BE ACTING LIKE IT.

I MEAN, LOOK AT EACH OTHER!

CHLOE, YOU SHOULD

SAY SOMETHING...

I DON'T KNOW,

LIKE, FAT TO HIM.

AND THEN, JAMES,

YOU SHOULD SAY SOMETHING

ABOUT HOW LAME GLOSS MOBILE IS.

THEN, CHLOE, YOU'LL BE ALL LIKE,

"WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE EVEN FATTER

THAN I SAID YOU WERE BEFORE."

AND THEN JAMES WILL BE ALL LIKE,

"WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I MOVE FASTER

THAN GLO-MO DATA TRANSFERS."

AND THEN CHLOE WILL BE LIKE,

"WELL, WHAT IS IT LIKE

COMPETING AGAINST BRIAN DENNEHY

FOR ROLES?"

AND THEN JAMES WILL BE ALL LIKE,

"OH, WELL, WHAT IS IT LIKE

COMPETING AGAINST LESBIANS

FOR SHIRTS?"

BACK AND FORTH!

INSULTS! TEARS! LAUGHTER!

HUGGING?

YES! THEY'RE HUGGING!

SHE'S GOT BUTTER

ON HER BUTT.

(chuckles) BUTTER BUTT.

I... OH, GOD. I WAS STANDING

AGAINST ELI'S WALL.

SHE'S TRYING TO WIPE IT OFF.

SHE'S GOT IT ON HER SWEATER.

SWEATER BUTTER.

OH, NOW LUTHER'S GETTIN'

IN THERE.

BUTTER BUTT RUBBER.

BUTTER BUTT RUBBER.

(Luther, lowered voice)

OKAY...

OBVIOUSLY, I'M NOT DOING

SO WELL.

YEAH.

ME, NEITHER.

NICE NECK PEN.

AT LEAST I HAVE A NECK.

(laughs)

(laughs)

I'VE MISSED THIS.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I GOT SOFT AND COMPLACENT

WITHOUT YOU AROUND

TO KEEP ME SHARP.

I DON'T WANNA LIVE

IN A BEEK-LESS WORLD.

IT'S TOO GRUESOME.

YESTERDAY, I HAD TO FILL OUT

SOMETHING CALLED A W-2 FORM.

I MEAN, I WROTE THE WORD "BALLS"

IN EVERY SECTION,

BUT STILL...

I HAD TO FILL IT OUT.

WHAT IS THIS?

GET RID OF THIS.

EXCUSE ME. THERE YOU GO.

CAN I HAVE A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE,

PLEASE? THANKS.

DON'T EVER BLOW OFF

MY VETO AGAIN.

I SAY WE JUST VETO

THE VETOES.

OKAY, GOOD,

BECAUSE JEFF GORDON CALLED.

HE'S DRIVING 500 TIMES

IN A CIRCLE

AND THEN HE WANTS

TO HANG OUT.

(laughs)

OH, YOU GUYS MADE UP!

YAY! I SAVED

ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I GOT

MY MOM AND DAD BACK TOGETHER--

YOU WEREN'T STANDING 10 FEET

FROM A DINOSAUR MADE

OF RANCID BUTTER,

WHICH YOU HAVEN'T EVEN

LOOKED AT YET.

NONE OF YOU HAVE

LOOKED AT IT.

LOOK AT IT!

(door slams)

YOU'RE LUCKY

YOU'RE A QUICK THIN.

(exhales deeply)

I KNOW. THAT GOT ROUGH.

I WAS HAVING TROUBLE

SEEING MY DONG IN THE SHOWER.

(chuckles) IT'S ALWAYS

KIND OF BEEN HARD TO SEE.

(laughs)

RIGHT, EMILY?

EMILY.

(laughs) I'M SO SORRY.

WE GOT OFF-TRACK THERE.

UH, LISTEN.

(chuckles)

IT'S NOT GONNA WORK OUT

BETWEEN US.

I GOT FAT ON YOUR WATCH.

BUT... JAMES,

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I LIKE YOU NO MATTER WHAT

YOU LOOK LIKE.

YEAH, THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

YEAH, SEE,

I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE

TO GIVE ME CONDITIONAL LOVE.

I ALREADY HAVE SOMEONE

WHO GIVES ME UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

THAT'S ME.

FULL-FAT MILK? I MEAN...

VETO! I VETO LUTHER.