Original subtitles

IS IT TOO EARLY

FOR A DIET SODA?

(bottles rattle)

IT IS NOT.

GOOD MORNING, JUNE.

COME. TAKE A SEAT.

WHY ARE YOU

DRESSED LIKE THAT?

IT HAS BEEN ONE YEAR

TO THE DAY

SINCE YOU MOVED

TO NEW YORK CITY.

OH. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT HAS BEEN.

ARE YOU FINISHED?

I ASKED YOU

TO SIT DOWN TODAY

SO I CAN GIVE YOU

YOUR ANNUAL EVALUATION.

(sighs) THIS IS SILLY.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

I'M GONNA

BE LATE FOR WORK.

YOU GOT A "D."

A "D"?

IT'S ALL SPELLED OUT RIGHT THERE

ON THIS SHEET OF PAPER.

WHAT DID I DO

TO DESERVE A "D"?

YOU TELL ME.

WAS THAT IN SLO-MO

FOR YOU, TOO?

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

(sitar music playing)

YOGA, RIGHT?

OHH.

THANK YOU

FOR INVITING ME, LUTHER.

THIS IS JUST

WHAT I NEEDED.

OH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

AFTER A LONG WORK DAY,

I LOVE TO COME HERE

AND REALLY CONNECT WITH JAMES.

JAMES MARTINEZ,

THE INSTRUCTOR.

NAMASTE, LUTHER.

NAMASTE, JAMES MARTINEZ!

HIS FACEBOOK SAYS

HIS MOM'S IN TOWN.

I BET HE'S OFF TO TAKE HIS MOM

SOMEWHERE NICE.

ANYWAY, YOU SHOULD COME

TO YOGA MORE OFTEN.

I CAN TELL

HOW STRESSED YOU'VE BEEN

SINCE STARTING YOUR NEW JOB.

WORKING ISN'T HALF AS STRESSFUL

AS LIVING WITH CHLOE.

THIS MORNING, SHE GAVE ME

AN EVALUATION

FOR MY FIRST YEAR

LIVING IN NEW YORK.

I GOT A "D."

A "D"? OH, HONEY,

THAT CAN'T BE.

YOU'VE GOT A GREAT JOB,

YOUR SKIN IS FLAWLESS,

AND I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU

TO HAVE APPLES.

WAIT.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME

YOU WENT ON A DATE

WITH A GOOD GUY?

I GUESS

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE.

THAT HAS GOTTA BE IT.

CHLOE IS ALWAYS

YELLING AT ME

TO GET SOME MORE DUDES

IN MY DOG HOUSE.

SAY NO MORE, JUNE.

I HAVE THE PERFECT MAN FOR YOU.

JAMES' AGENT HAS

THIS CUTE ASSISTANT, WILL.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T REALLY DO BLIND DATES.

ALTHOUGH I CAN HEAR

CHLOE'S VOICE IN MY HEAD--

"WOOF, WOOF."

THAT'S HER, BARKING AT ME

AND POINTING AT MY DOG HOUSE.

WHAT IS HE LIKE?

WILL IS JUST YOUR TYPE--

THIN, WHITE, AND PUNCTUAL.

(crunches)

I HAVEN'T BEEN TO ONE OF THESE

SMALL PORN THEATERS IN FOREVER.

CHLOE, THIS ISN'T

A PORN THEATER.

THIS IS AN ART HOUSE CINEMA.

THEY SCREEN

CLASSIC FILMS HERE.

AND PORN ON TUESDAY NIGHTS.

BUT IT'S THURSDAY.

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

OH, NO REASON. WE'RE JUST HERE

TO WATCH "ANNIE HALL,"

PERHAPS THE GREATEST FILM

BY ONE OF THE GREATEST DIRECTORS

OF OUR TIME, WOODY ALLEN...

(loudly) WHO I HAVE

AN AUDITION WITH!

YAY, JAMES! THAT'S AMAZING.

(scattered clapping)

I KNOW, RIGHT? THANK YOU.

THE FILM'S CALLED

"MONTE CARLO, MONTE CARLA."

AH.

IT'S THE LATEST IN HIS

AROUND THE WORLD COMEDY SERIES,

AND MY FIRST

WOODY ALLEN AUDITION

SINCE HE BLACKLISTED ME

TEN YEARS AGO.

(laughs)

BOY, JAZZ SUCKS, HUH?

RIGHT? WHAT?

COME ON. IT'S A DEAD ART.

WE WERE ALL THINKING IT!

THIS IS MY SHOT

AT REDEMPTION.

I GET IT, AND TO SHOW

MY SUPPORT OF YOU,

I'M GONNA BUY

THE MOVIE TICKETS,

BUT THEY'RE GONNA BE

FOR TUESDAY,

AND WE'RE GONNA SEE...

"NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

WHO LIKE BIG BUTTS."

(woman) ♪ OOH, LA LA LA ♪

(cell phone chimes)

"SORRY.

RUNNING 15 MINUTES LATE."

NOT PUNCTUAL

LIKE LUTHER DESCRIBED.

HI.

JUNE?

WILL. BUT YOU JUST TEXTED--

I LIKE TO UNDERPROMISE

AND OVERDELIVER.

I CAN SEE THAT.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO YOU, TOO.

MEET. THERE WAS SUPPOSED

TO BE A "MEET"

IN THE MIDDLE

OF THAT SENTENCE.

YOU SERVED ME

A MEET-LESS SENTENCE SANDWICH.

WHAT ARE WE

TALKING ABOUT? (laughs)

I DON'T KNOW. (laughs)

(vibrating)

UM...

(exhales) I'M SORRY.

THIS IS WORK. CAN I...

OH, SURE.

(beep)

THIS IS WILL.

UH-HUH.

WELL, I-I'M NOT AT MY...

OKAY. I'LL GET RIGHT TO IT.

(beep)

I'M SO SORRY.

I'VE GOTTA

HEAD BACK TO THE OFFICE.

IS THERE ANY WAY THAT...

THAT WE CAN DO THIS EXACT

SAME THING TOMORROW NIGHT?

TOMORROW'S GREAT.

I'LL... YOU THEN.

YOU LEFT OUT "SEE"

ON PURPOSE.

I DID.

UGH. FORGOT THE OLIVES.

JUNE!

JUNE, HEY. DO WE HAVE

ANY OLIVES?

YEAH, THEY'RE IN THE FRIDGE.

(whining) EH.

SCREW IT.

GUESS WHAT?

I'M NOT TELLING YOU THIS

BECAUSE I CARE

ABOUT YOUR DUMB GRADE,

BUT I AM GOING

ON A DATE TONIGHT.

A SECOND DATE.

OOH, LOOK AT YOU,

UPPING YOUR GAME.

THIS COULD BODE VERY WELL

FOR NEXT YEAR'S EVAL.

HOW MANY TIMES

HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM?

ZERO. WE'VE ONLY BEEN

ON ONE DATE.

(sighs)

(grunting)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SEEING IF YOUR "V"

HAS BEEN STOLEN.

OH, GET OUT OF THERE.

YOU KNOW I DON'T DO THINGS

THAT WAY.

YOU DON'T DO THINGS

ANY WAY.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

YOU DATE LIKE A QUAKER.

WE'LL SEE. MAYBE WE'LL SIT

ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE BOOTH,

OR SPLIT A SWEET CREPE.

QUAKER WORDS!

I'LL BE AT

A GALLERY OPENING.

GONNA TRY

AND TURN SOME GAYS.

IT'S FUN. IT'S A SPORT.

AN OLYMPIC SPORT?

YEAH. MAYBE.

(woman) ♪ OOH, LA LA LA ♪

AND SHE WAS JUST... PEEING?

YES. IN THE STREET.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

GORGEOUS DRESS. PEEING.

AND SHE LOOKED OVER AT ME,

AND SHE GOES...

"SHH."

AW.

(vibrating)

(beep)

OH, IT'S THAT SAME CLIENT

FROM YESTERDAY.

BUT I'M--I'M NOT GONNA LET IT

RUIN OUR DATE A SECOND TIME.

IS IT JAMES?

I BET IT'S JAMES.

NO, NO.

JAMES IS GREAT.

HE--HE JUST ASKS FOR

NORMAL STUFF LIKE SCRIPTS.

BUT WE ALSO REPRESENT

THIS OBNOXIOUS NOVELIST.

MM.

MY BOSS, DONNIE, IS CONVINCED

THAT SPAULDING IS A GENIUS,

SO I HAVE TO BEND OVER BACKWARDS

FOR SOME MANIAC.

I CAN TOTALLY RELATE.

MY ROOMMATE DRIVES ME NUTS.

SHE HAS RUINED AT LEAST

SIX OF MY HATS.

HAS SHE, UH, ORDERED YOU

TO GET CHARO TICKETS?

BECAUSE THAT'S

WHAT I'M DEALING WITH.

HERE--CALL ME. DO YOU WANNA SEE

WHAT SPAULDING DID TO MY PHONE?

I'LL--I'LL--I'LL TURN ON

THE, UH, THE VOLUME.

(vibrating)

(Charo's voice) CUCHI CUCHI.

CUCHI CUCHI.

(laughs)

(laughs)

RIDICULOUS, RIGHT?

CUCHI SMOOCHIE.

THAT WAS A NICE MOMENT,

AND I RUINED IT.

NOT--NOT THAT

I'M SORRY THAT I DID IT,

'CAUSE I'M NOT A QUAKER.

YOU'RE WEIRD.

I LIKE YOU.

HEY, WILL.

SO I JUST GOT HOME.

I-I HAD

A REALLY GREAT TIME TONIGHT.

(Will) Me, too.

So there's this new

Thai place we should...

(Call Waiting beeps)

Oh. Hold--hold on.

(scoffs) It's Spaulding.

Let me call you back.

SURE.

(beep)

WILL? WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG

TO PICK UP?

THAT WAS TWO RINGS.

AND WHERE ARE MY CHARO TICKETS?

(beep)

FRIGGIN' IDIOT.

I SWEAR TO GOD,

WHEN MOTHERS BIRTH MORONS,

ARE THEY DOING IT

JUST TO UPSET ME?

(door slams)

YOU'RE SPAULDING?

YEAH,

CRISTINA GARDIACOS SPAULDING.

THAT'S MY PEN NAME.

WAIT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

I'M DATING WILL.

WHAT?!

WHY ARE YOU DATING

MY AGENT'S ASSISTANT?

WHY DO YOU HAVE AN AGENT?

JAMES AND I WANTED TO GET

BACKSTAGE AT THE GRAMMYS.

HE CALLED UP HIS AGENT,

WILL SHOWED UP

WITH BACKSTAGE PASSES,

AND WITHIN THE HOUR,

I WAS GETTING WRECKED

IN A DRESSING ROOM

WITH CEE LO.

FUNNY TWIST--IT WASN'T

ACTUALLY CEE LO.

IT WAS A BOTTLE

OF CHOCOLATE SYRUP.

ANYWAY,

THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED

I NEED THIS KIND OF STUFF

TO HAPPEN ALL THE TIME.

I NEEDED

AN AGENT'S ASSISTANT.

BUT YOU'RE NOT A WRITER.

YES, I AM.

I HAVE A PEN NAME, AND I WROTE

TWO PAGES OF A NOVEL

CALLED "FIGS FOR MARIE."

I GAVE IT TO JAMES' AGENT,

AND HE SIGNED ME ON THE SPOT.

CHLOE, YOU CAN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE

OF WILL LIKE THIS.

TAKE ADVANTAGE?

JUNE, I GIVE MY AGENT 10%

OF EVERYTHING I MAKE.

TECHNICALLY,

I'M PAYING WILL'S SALARY.

BUT YOU'RE NOT MAKING THEM

ANY MONEY.

EXACTLY.

I MAKE NOTHING,

AND I STILL GIVE THEM 10%.

THAT'S HOW GOOD

OF A PERSON I AM, JUNE.

NO. WILL IS A GOOD PERSON.

BY "GOOD," YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T

MEAN GOOD AT HIS JOB. EXAMPLES--

HE PUTS ME ON HOLD.

I WENT TO VOICE MAIL

LAST WEEK,

AND HE STILL HASN'T GOTTEN ME

THOSE TICKETS.

DO YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT

CHARO IS TO ME? DO YOU?

SHE'S MY CHER.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND YOUR

ANSWER IN THAT BOTTLE, JUNE.

ONCE AGAIN, CHLOE HA--

BEFORE I EXPLAIN, HOW LONG

HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING?

I'VE HEARD ENOUGH

TO COMMENT.

HOW AM I GONNA TELL WILL

THAT WE HAVE THE SAME BITCH?

HE'LL PROBABLY

THINK IT'S FUNNY,

LIKE, IN A SMALL WORLD,

WHAT-ARE-THE-ODDS KIND OF A WAY.

LIKE HOW ME AND GERALD FORD

HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY.

JACK NICHOLSON

AND PETER FRAMPTON.

HUH. TWO TALENTS.

SEE? WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

(knock on door)

(whispers)

IT'S HERE. IT'S HERE.

OH! (giggles)

(exhales deeply)

(exhales deeply)

IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS

SINCE I'VE HELD SCRIPT PAGES

BY WOODY ALLEN.

THE NAME OF THE FILM

IS "MONTE CARLO, MONTE CARLA."

OBVIOUSLY, I WILL BE CARLO.

YOU READ CARLA.

(clears throat)

(European accent) "CARLO,

WHY ARE YOU ACTING THIS WAY?"

"BECAUSE, CARLA,

I'M A WOMAN."

WHOA. COMPLEX CHARACTER.

LUTHER, KEEP READING.

"I AM GLAD

THAT YOU ARE A WOMAN, CARLO,

BECAUSE I'M A MAN."

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT--WHAT--WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT'S HAPPENING.

WHATEVER IT IS...

IT IS GOOD.

(gasps)

(phone rings)

(ring)

DONNIE JARVIS' OFFICE.

WILL, I JUST GOT

THE SCRIPT PAGES.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT CHARACTER

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING.

Already on it, James.

MY FRIEND OVER AT HIS PRODUCTION

COMPANY FILLED ME IN.

OH, IS DARLA STILL THERE?

DARLA'S BEEN DEAD

FOR FIVE YEARS.

HERE'S THE DEAL--

THE FILM TAKES PLACE

AT A MENS'-ONLY BACCARAT ROOM

IN MONTE CARLO.

THE FEMALE LEAD DRESSES UP

AS A MAN TO SNEAK IN,

BUT LITTLE DOES SHE KNOW

that a male journalist

is dressing up as a woman

TO EXPOSE THE ARCHAIC RULES

OF THE CASINO.

AGAINST ALL ODDS,

THEY FALL IN LOVE.

OHH. OF COURSE. (laughs)

YOU'RE AMAZING, WILL.

THANK YOU.

(beep)

WHAT DID YOU FIND OUT?

I FOUND OUT

THAT IF I GET THIS ROLE,

I'M GONNA WIN

AN ACADEMY AWARD.

(gasps)

SO DOES JAMES

KISS YOU HELLO?

HE'S ALWAYS

KISSING ME HELLO.

(laughs)

FUNNY. SO...

DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT...

I DON'T KNOW,

HOW SMALL, UH, THE WORLD IS?

EVERY TIME I SEE

MY BUTCHER AT THE GYM.

MM. WELL, IT TURNS OUT...

MY BITCH IS YOUR BITCH.

I FOUND OUT LAST NIGHT

THAT MY ROOMMATE CHLOE

IS YOUR OBNOXIOUS NOVELIST.

HER PEN NAME IS SPAULDING.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

WOW. THAT'S CRAZY.

THAT--I CANNOT BELIEVE

THAT WE BOTH HAVE TO DEAL

WITH THE SAME...

NUT CASE EVERY DAY.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

SHE--SHE IS A TOTAL NUT CASE.

BUT I'VE LIVED WITH HER

FOR A YEAR,

AND I KNOW THAT

DEEP, DEEP, DEEP...

DEEP, DEEP DOWN...

MM.

THAT SHE IS

A REALLY GOOD PERSON.

AND I BET THAT IF

WE ALL GOT TOGETHER,

AND SHE HAD

A CHANCE TO KNOW YOU,

THAT THERE IS NO WAY

THAT SHE'D BE ABLE

TO CONTINUE

TO TREAT YOU BADLY.

OKAY.

BUT ONLY IF

YOU BUY THESE DRINKS.

YOU'VE GOT IT.

I'M KIDDING. GIVE ME THAT.

NO.

I'M SERIOUS. GIVE ME THAT.

NO.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO

TICKLE YOU.

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT.

(laughing) NO. NO.

TICKLING...

LOOK, GUYS, I UNDERSTAND

YOU'RE TICKLING EACH OTHER,

BUT THIS IS A POPULAR PLACE.

IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA

ORDER ANOTHER ROUND,

I'M GONNA NEED THESE SEATS.

(exhales) GREAT REHEARSAL,

LUTHER.

I THINK WE'VE EARNED OURSELVES

AN AFTERNOON SNACK.

PEANUT BUTTER AND BANANA

ON WHEAT FOR YOU,

COLESLAW FOR ME.

(cell phone chimes)

DONNIE JUST SENT ME

AN E-MAIL.

HE SCHEDULED MY AUDITION

FOR 9:00 A.M.

9:00 A.M.?

THAT'S WAY TOO EARLY.

YOU'RE PUFFY.

YOU'RE SLEEPY.

MY INSTRUMENT IS COLD.

WHICH IS THE EXACT REASON

I KNITTED YOU THAT SCARF.

I'M NOT WEARING

A SCARF TO BED, LUTHER.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT WEARING IT

OUTSIDE, EITHER,

SO WHY DON'T I JUST

THROW IT IN THE TRASH?

(sighs)

I'LL CALL WILL.

HE'LL FIX THIS.

(beep)

(telephone rings)

SAW IT. CHANGED IT.

YOU'RE AT 3:45.

OH! THE PERFECT AUDITION TIME.

YOUR STOMACH

HAS FLATTENED SINCE LUNCH,

BUT YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY YET.

THANK YOU.

(beep)

WHEW. DISASTER AVERTED.

THANK GOD.

I'M SORRY, JAMES. I JUST

REALIZED YOU HAVE NO BANANAS.

I HAVE TO GET NEW BANANAS.

THAT'S AN AMAZING

VOCAL EXERCISE.

NO BANANAS, NEW BANANAS.

NO BANANAS, NEW BANANAS.

NO BANANAS, NEW BANANAS.

NO BANANAS, NEW BANANAS.

NO BANANAS, NEW BANANAS.

NO BA--

NO BANANAS, NEW BA--

JUST ME.

OH. SO CHARO

OWNS THIS PLACE?

OH, MY GOD. MY AGENT'S

ASSISTANT IS HERE. DON'T LOOK.

CHLOE, I INVITED WILL HERE

BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE HIM,

AND I WANT YOU

TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

GROSS.

OH, NO, CHLOE,

I LIKE WILL.

AND I'M GONNA DATE WILL,

AND I CAN'T DO THAT IF YOU

KEEP MAKING HIM MISERABLE.

SO JUST TRY AND GET

TO KNOW HIM AS A PERSON

AND NOT AS AN ASSISTANT.

COME ON. I'M BUYING.

OKAY, FINE. BUT I'M NOT

DOING THIS FOR YOU.

I'M DOING THIS FOR CHARO.

SHE COULD USE THE MONEY

AFTER CUCHI WORLD

NEARLY BURNT DOWN

HALF OF ENCINO.

(June) HEY.

(Will) HI.

(sniffs)

(vibrating)

(beep)

THIS IS WILL.

GET ME A TOWN CAR.

MY ROOMMATE TRICKED ME

INTO HANGING OUT

WITH HER ANNOYING BOYFRIEND.

EW. HE'S STARING AT ME

RIGHT NOW.

(beep)

HA HA HA.

(beep)

THAT'S FUNNY.

SHE CALLED YOU FROM

RIGHT ACROSS THE TABLE.

(laughs)

NO. THAT ISN'T FUNNY.

I AM DONE TAKING YOUR CALLS

WHEN I'M NOT AT WORK.

THIS IS MY PERSONAL TIME.

I WANNA SPEND IT WITH JUNE.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN US,

THEN STOP TREATING ME

LIKE YOUR ERRAND BOY.

I LIKE THIS SIDE OF YOU.

YOU'RE LIKE A HOMELESS LADY

WITH JUST ENOUGH FIGHT

INSIDE OF HER TO SURVIVE WINTER.

SERVANT! SANGRIA, PLEASE!

SO I WAS LIKE,

"OF COURSE I CAN SLEEP

AT MACHU PICCHU.

MY GRANDFATHER BUILT

THIS PLACE."

(laughs)

AMAZING. I HAVE GOTTA

GET TO PERU.

WELL, YOU GUYS,

THIS HAS BEEN VERY FUN,

BUT I THINK IT'S TIME I LEFT

YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS ALONE.

DON'T FORGET YOUR TICKETS.

I WAS WRONG

ABOUT YOU, WILL.

YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE TO

WORRY ABOUT ME

INTERFERING WITH

YOUR RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE.

(giggles)

WOW, I CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

SHE IS ACTUALLY

PRETTY COOL.

MM-HMM.

(vibrating)

IT'S MY BOSS.

HEY, DONNIE. WHAT'S UP?

WILL, MY MAN.

Just got off the phone

with our favorite novelist.

She said you two

had dinner tonight.

YEAH, YEAH. WE WERE JUST--

YEAH, SHE'S PRETTY UPSET.

Here's the thing, buddy--

I'M ALL IN ON SPAULDING.

I CAN'T RISK

HER LEAVING THE AGENCY,

SO I'M SORRY,

BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE.

(beep)

CHLOE JUST GOT ME FIRED.

(door slams)

AHH.

(door opens)

(slams door)

YOU GOT WILL FIRED.

JUNE, I'M TRYING TO READ.

WHY DO YOU DO THESE THINGS?

WE HAD SUCH A NICE TIME TONIGHT.

YEAH,

AND I REALLY LIKED HIM.

AND HE TOTALLY EARNED MY RESPECT

WHEN HE STOOD UP TO ME.

I THINK HE'S GREAT FOR YOU.

THEN WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

HE'S TERRIBLE FOR ME.

I CAN'T HAVE

MY AGENT'S ASSISTANT

STANDING UP TO ME LIKE THAT.

I NEED SOMEBODY

I CAN BOSS AROUND.

SO YOU TWO CAN

BE TOGETHER,

AND JARVIS CAN HIRE

SOMEBODY ELSE

TO RECEIVE

MY NUMEROUS FAXES.

SO...

THIS IS BACCARAT?

I HATE IT.

(cell phone chimes and vibrates)

WHAT? NO, NO, NO, NO,

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

(rings, beep)

YOU GOT JARVIS.

Donnie. Hey.

LISTEN, YEAH,

I NEED TO TALK TO WILL.

(laughs) No need

to go through Will.

YOU GOT THE MAN AT THE TOP.

Uh...

OKAY. WELL, LISTEN, UH,

MY AUDITION TOMORROW--THERE

SEEMS TO BE SOME CONFUSION.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE

AT 3:45, NOT 9:00 A.M.

What's wrong with 9:00 A.M.?

JUST GET IN THERE,

GET IT OVER WITH.

Get it over with?

WHAT ARE... I...

(stammers)

PUT WILL ON THE PHONE.

I'm gonna be real

with you, James,

THAT'S GONNA REQUIRE

A CONFERENCE CALL,

AND I DO NOT KNOW

HOW TO DO THAT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHERE'S WILL?

Fired.

I FIRED HIM.

(phone rings)

ALL RIGHT.

JODIE FOSTER'S CALLIN'.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THIS.

(beep)

JODIE! YOU GOT JARVIS.

DAMN IT.

(beep)

HOW THE HELL DO YOU--

(beep)

JO--

(beep)

(beep)

JODIE. Jo-Fo.

You there, gal?

(knock on door)

Jodie, Jodie, Jodie,

Jodie, Jodie, Jodie.

(beep)

JAMES, I NEED YOUR HELP.

JUNE, I WOULD LOVE

TO HELP YOU.

HELPING PEOPLE IS WHAT

I SAY IS MY THING.

BUT I GOT PROBLEMS

OF MY OWN.

MY AGENT'S ASSISTANT--

I KNOW.

I'M DATING WILL, AND CHLOE

JUST GOT HIM FIRED.

WHAT?

CHLOE WROTE

TWO PAGES OF A NOVEL

SO SHE COULD

GET REPPED BY DONNIE,

SO THAT WILL

COULD BE HER ERRAND BOY.

AND NOW HE WON'T

TALK TO ME.

YOU'VE GOTTA

GET HIM HIS JOB BACK.

(sighs)

UGH. LUTHER, MY PHONE.

OH. SORRY, LUTHER.

IF I'D KNOWN

MY PHONE WAS IN MY POCKET,

I WOULDN'T HAVE

ASKED YOU FOR IT.

THAT SAID, I LIKED NOT HAVING

TO DO THAT MYSELF.

LET'S ADD "COMPREHENSIVE

PHONE RETRIEVAL"

TO YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION.

MM.

DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?

HMM? THIS IS MY CAREER.

THIS IS NOT A DATING SERVICE.

THIS IS NOT A CONCIERGE.

I DID NOT EMANCIPATE MYSELF

AT THE AGE OF 14,

THEN HIRE MY UNCLE

AS MY MANAGER,

THEN FIRE HIM,

THEN HIRE MY MOTHER,

THEN FIRE HER, AND THEN

HIRE MY UNCLE BACK FOR THIS.

DONNIE, LOOK AT ME.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

I SEE THE BEST.

THAT'S RIGHT. SO HERE'S WHAT

YOU'RE GONNA DO--

YOU'RE GONNA HIRE WILL BACK

SO HE CAN GET ME

THAT 3:45 AUDITION TIME.

OTHERWISE, I HAVE NO CHOICE

BUT TO LEAVE THE AGENCY.

BINGO BANGO, JAMES.

WILL, WELCOME BACK.

HAVE A RAISE.

THANKS, DONNIE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

I'M SORRY.

DON'T I GET A SAY IN THIS?

CHLOE, ENOUGH. STOP PRETENDING

TO BE A NOVELIST

SO YOU CAN BADGER WILL

FOR FREE STUFF.

I AM NOT PRETENDING.

(Donnie) SHE'S A TALENT, JAMES.

SHE'S ONLY GIVEN ME TWO PAGES,

BUT THEY'RE SO AMAZING,

I KNOW THEM BY HEART.

"AS THE SUN SET

OVER THE GREAT DIVIDE,

"BUTTERFLIES

RAINED DOWN ON MARIE

LIKE FIGS IN JULY."

(mouths words)

MY WORDS.

(gasps) JAMES!

SHE STOLE MY NOVEL!

THOSE ARE MY EXACT WORDS,

IN MY EXACT WORD ORDER!

SHE'S A FAKE.

OF COURSE SHE IS.

I'M ABOUT TO

SLAP ME A PLAGIARIST!

LUTHER. LUTHER.

PUT THAT HAND DOWN.

YOU ARE NOT INNOCENT IN THIS.

IF YOU HADN'T TRIED

TO SET UP WILL AND JUNE,

NONE OF THIS

WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.

I'M REVOKING THE VISION PORTION

OF YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE.

OH, NO.

OH, JAMES, COME ON.

IT'S NOT LUTHER'S FAULT.

IT'S MINE.

LOVE IS YOUR FAULT, JUNE?

LET ME TELL YOU

WHAT I THINK ABOUT LOVE--

I BELIEVE IN IT.

AND I BELIEVE THAT YOU AND WILL

AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP

IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS,

AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T INTERFERE

WITH MY BUSINESS.

ARE WE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE?

YES.

YEAH.

(deep voice) NO.

IT TOOK ME YEARS

TO WRITE THAT NOVEL.

FOUR TRIPS TO GEORGIA

RESEARCHING

BUTTERFLY MATING PATTERNS.

AND IT SHOWS, WHICH IS WHY

I CHOSE YOUR WORK TO STEAL.

OH. IT DOES SHOW,

DOESN'T IT?

EACH WORD IS THERE

FOR A REASON, YOU KNOW?

NOTHING GRATUITOUS.

NOTHING UNNECESSARY.

"GRATUITOUS" AND "UNNECESSARY"

ARE THE SAME THING.

I WILL KILL YOU!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

NO, NO, NO, NO.

JAMES?

WHERE'S THE PORCELAIN WOLF

I BOUGHT YOU FOR CHRISTMAS?

SO...

YOU GOT YOUR JOB BACK.

WE CAN CELEBRATE?

UM, CHLOE SOLD ME

HER CHARO TICKETS.

JUNE, LET'S BE CLEAR--

I REALLY WANT TO SEE

SOME FEISTY LATINA ENTERTAINMENT

WITH YOU.

(laughs)

BUT THIS CHAOS WITH CHLOE

IS GETTING IN THE WAY.

I MEAN, SHE GOT ME FIRED.

WHY ARE YOU

STILL LIVING WITH HER?

YOU MAKE GOOD MONEY NOW.

YOU CAN MOVE.

I DON'T KNOW. SHE'S...

SHE'S MY ROOMMATE.

BUILDING. BUILDING.

BUILDING.

THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF OTHER

APARTMENTS YOU COULD LIVE IN,

ALL WITH SANER PEOPLE

IN THEM.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I DON'T HAVE TO

LIVE WITH CHLOE ANYMORE.

BUT I WANT TO.

WHY?

BECAUSE SHE PUSHES ME

TO DO STUFF

I'D NEVER DO ON MY OWN.

IF SHE HADN'T

GIVEN ME A "D,"

I NEVER WOULD HAVE GONE

ON A BLIND DATE WITH YOU.

AND I NEVER WOULD HAVE

KISSED YOU IN THAT RESTAURANT

IF SHE HADN'T CALLED ME

A QUAKER.

50-YEAR-OLD SCOTCH?

(laughs) WHAT?

I GUESS I JUST

DON'T UNDERSTAND.

SO LET ME BE CLEAR--

I, TOO, WOULD LIKE TO SEE

SOME FEISTY LATINA ENTERTAINMENT

WITH YOU,

BUT NOT IF IT MEANS

MOVING THERE,

THERE, OR THERE.

ACTUALLY,

THAT ONE'S A HOSPITAL,

BUT YOU--YOU GET

MY POINT.

WORKING FOR DONNIE

IS HARD ENOUGH.

I CAN'T DEAL WITH ANY MORE CRAZY

IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

I UNDERSTAND. THAT'S FAIR.

WELL, UH, CALL ME

IF YOU CHANGE YOUR JOB.

CALL ME IF YOU CHANGE

APARTMENTS.

(laughs)

JUNE. SEE, THIS IS

YOUR PROBLEM.

IF THE MAN GOES THAT WAY,

YOU SHOULD GO THAT WAY.

I CAN'T GIVE YOU

WHAT YOU NEED.

I NEED YOU TO SHUT UP

AND GO TO THIS CONCERT WITH ME.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA

TAKE WILL WITH YOU?

NO, I WANT TO TAKE YOU.

AS FRIENDS OR...

YES. OF COURSE AS FRIENDS.

OKAY, GOOD. YAY.

"C"-MINUS.

I JUST RAISED YOUR EVALUATION

GRADE TO "C"-MINUS.

I LOVE CHARO. I HAVE ALL

27 OF HER RECORDS,

EVEN THE ONES SHE RELEASED

AS APRIL LOPEZ/

LUPE ZAPATA DE VEGA VALDEZ.

THOSE ARE HER TWO CHARACTERS

ON "LOVE BOAT."

I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

NOBODY DOES. THAT'S THE THING.

SHE GETS NO INK.

(clears throat) CHER COULD

CHANGE HER TOOTHPASTE

AND THE GAYS

HAVE A WHOLE ROSE PARADE.

HOW ABOUT A ROSE PARADE

FOR CHARO, GAYS?

(door slams)

JAMES? WE'RE READY FOR YOU.

I HOPE I NEVER HAVE A CHILD,

BECAUSE I'LL HATE

TO TELL MY SON

THAT THE DAY HE WAS BORN WAS

THE SECOND-BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

DO YOU NEED SCRIPT PAGES?

I DO NOT.

OKAY. READY WHEN YOU ARE.

(quietly) OKAY.

MM.

THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.