Original subtitles

OKAY, SO CARDS ON THE TABLE--

I'M NOT THAT GREAT AT DATING.

MY EX-FIANCE AND I WERE TOGETHER

SINCE HIGH SCHOOL,

SO I JUST HAVEN'T HAD

A TON OF EXPERIENCE AT IT.

MY ROOMMATE SAYS YOU SHOULD

TREAT DATING AS A GAME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TALKING TO THIS GUY.

NO, WHY ARE YOU SAYING

WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? IT'S BORING.

WHAT? IT'S NOT BORING.

I'M SORRY. MY FRIEND WANTS

TO APOLOGIZE FOR HER BORINGNESS.

I DO NOT WANT TO APOLOGIZE

FOR MY BORINGNESS.

TO MAKE UP FOR IT,

SHE'LL SHOW YOU HER TATERS.

MY WHAT?

YOU KNOW, YOUR RACK.

YOUR GUNS. YOUR GEEGAWS.

YOUR JILK MUGS.

SEE? SO BORING.

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

(man) OKAY, MAY,

IT'S DECISION TIME.

YOU CAN ONLY CHOOSE TWO

OF THESE THREE GENTLEMEN

TO BE IN NEXT WEEK'S FINALE.

WHO'S IT GONNA BE?

(pounding)

THIS IS THE HARDEST THING

I'VE EVER DONE,

BESIDES BEAT CANCER.

YOU'RE SO STRONG, MAY!

THANK YOU, SEAN.

JACKSON...

HEY-O!

(deep voice) YEAH!

WILL YOU ACCEPT

MY GOLDEN SPRING?

(boing)

ABSOLUTELY.

I AM SO GLAD

THAT SHE DIDN'T PICK SEAN.

OH, ME, TOO.

HE'S SUCH A KISS-ASS.

"YOU'RE SO STRONG, MAY!"

(laughs) WHO SAYS THAT?

(monotone voice)

♪ SEAN IS SO LAME ♪

UGH. YOU GUYS ARE STILL WATCHING

"SPRING INTO MAY?"

THAT SHOW SUCKS.

JAMES IS SUPER JUDGY

ABOUT TV HOSTS.

(exhales) LOOK AT THAT CLOWN.

I'M A WAY BETTER HOST

THAN HE IS.

STAY TUNED. "SPRING INTO MAY"

WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE SEEN

THE DATING SHOW

I JUST HOSTED IN BELGIUM.

AND THE LOVERS ARE SPINNING.

DIEDRICK, ARE YOU READY

FOR YOUR CHANCE

AT UNIMAGINABLE LUST?

JA! (laughs)

WONDERBAAR!

AHH. GREAT TASTE.

ALWAYS ONE-OF-A-KIND.

IT WAS A LITTLE

ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I MEAN, THE--THE WHEELS

WERE DANGEROUS.

BUT I HAD SOME

REALLY GOOD IDEAS.

IF THE PRODUCERS

HAD JUST LISTENED TO ME--

QUIET!

IT'S BACK ON!

(man)

...THEN DOWN TO 24, THEN 14...

(Chloe) MM! (giggles)

OH, YEAH. WHOO! WHOA.

(giggles)

CHLOE, WE'RE TRYING

TO WATCH SOMETHING.

AND I AM TRYING

TO DO SOMEONE.

NOW STOP WATCHING

THESE STUPID DATING SHOWS

AND GET IN THE GAME, JUNE.

GO OUT AND MEET SOMEBODY.

I HAVE VERY TOUGH CRITERIA.

HE CAN'T BE FROM

YOUR WORK OR YOUR GYM,

OR LIVE IN YOUR BUILDING.

(lowered voice) WE DON'T

WORK TOGETHER ANYMORE.

AND HE CAN'T BE SOMEONE

THAT CHLOE SLEPT WITH,

WHICH IS REALLY HARD TO FIND.

HELLO? HOW DO

YOU THINK I FEEL?

I ONLY SLEEP WITH GUYS

I HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH BEFORE.

YOU KNOW

MY SCORCHED EARTH POLICY.

UM, WE'VE ACTUALLY

HAD SEX BEFORE.

OH. GET OUT.

(man) YOU HAVE JUST ENOUGH

COIL POINTS TO MAKE

THAT HAPPEN...

(door opens and closes)

JUNE, THERE ARE TONS OF GUYS

IN NEW YORK.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT

AND HELP YOU MEET ONE.

(lowered voice)

RIGHT HERE.

A GOOD ONE.

(mouth full) I MEAN,

I WAS RIGHT THERE.

WHY DOESN'T JUNE

EVER CONSIDER ME

AS SOMEONE

SHE MIGHT WANNA DATE?

DUDE, YOU'RE IN

THE FRIEND ZONE.

THAT'S NOT

ONE OF HER CRITERIA.

THAT'S AN UNSPOKEN CRITERIA.

THE FRIEND ZONE WAS ALSO

ONE OF THE IDEAS I HAD

TO IMPROVE THAT BELGIAN

GAME SHOW THAT I HOSTED.

SEE, ALL THE CONTESTANTS

WOULD PUT THEIR FRIENDS

IN AN AREA, OR "ZONE."

THAT SOUNDS...

GREAT, MAN.

RIGHT?

(dance music playing)

OKAY, SO WE ARE NOT HERE

TO SIT AT THE BAR

AND COMPARE TAMPONS

ALL NIGHT.

WE ARE HERE TO TALK TO GUYS.

AND STOP USING

YOUR STUPID CRITERIA

AS AN EXCUSE

TO LAY ON THE COUCH

AND EAT MEXICAN SANDWICHES.

(LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It"

playing)

(speaking inaudibly)

(whistles)

(June, thinking)

HIS NOSE IS WHISTLING.

(whistles)

HIS NOSE IS WHISTLING.

(whistles)

(speaking inaudibly)

THIS GUY LOOKS

SO ANGRY WHEN HE TALKS.

HE'S NOT SAYING ANGRY WORDS,

BUT HE LOOKS SO MAD.

I MEAN, HE'S TALKING

ABOUT RAINBOWS.

(speaking inaudibly)

THIS GUY HAS

ORANGE MOUTH CORNERS.

HE'S BEEN EATING A SLOPPY JOE,

AND HE HASN'T EVEN

WIPED HIS FACE.

I'M JUST GONNA WIPE HIS MOUTH

AND GET OUT OF HERE.

HEY, YOU JUST DID

A GOOD DEED THERE.

OH, YOU SAW THAT?

OH, YEAH.

I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN PEOPLE

HAVE FOOD ON THEIR FACE.

IT'S SO...

DISGUSTING. I KNOW!

DISGUSTING. I KNOW!

EXCEPT WHEN

IT'S MY GREAT AUNT.

SHE'S OLD, SO I LIKE

HELPING HER WIPE HER FACE.

AW, THAT'S SWEET.

ANYWAY, I'M DANIEL.

HI, I'M JUNE.

OKAY, THIS IS GONNA

SOUND WEIRD,

BUT YOU JUST LIKE

WHAT I IMAGINED

HARRY POTTER WOULD LOOK LIKE

WHEN I WAS READING THE BOOKS.

ONLY THE--THE GROWN-UP

MAN VERSION.

BOTH MY PARENTS

WERE ALSO KILLED,

BUT NOT BY A WIZARD.

I'M KIDDING.

THEY'RE IN CONNECTICUT...

(exhales)

LEADING VERY ACTIVE LIVES.

(laughs)

CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?

YEAH. SURE. THANK YOU.

OH, GOD, YOU'RE NEVER

GONNA BELIEVE THIS.

OKAY.

NO, NO, I THINK

I JUST MET SOMEONE.

HE'S CUTE AND HE'S SINGLE,

AND HE HAS A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

WITH HIS GREAT AUNT.

GOOD. ASK HIM OUT.

REALLY? JUST LIKE THAT?

OF COURSE.

YOU'RE GORGEOUS.

HE'LL BE

THE LUCKIEST GUY HERE.

JUST TOUCH UP

YOUR LIP GLOSS A BIT.

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

I'LL DO IT.

OKAY.

HEY, DO YOU WANNA

GO OUT SOMETIME?

WOW. YOU'RE ASKING ME OUT?

YEAH. IS THAT WEIRD?

NO, NO. IT'S AWESOME.

THE ONLY WEIRD THING

IS THAT TWO DIFFERENT GIRLS

JUST ASKED ME OUT

IN THE SPAN OF ONE MINUTE.

WHAT OTHER GIRL

ASKED YOU OUT?

UH, THAT GIRL

RIGHT OVER THERE.

(door opens)

(exhales)

YOU WALK FAST

FOR YOUR LEG LENGTH.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE

HELPING ME MEET A GUY,

NOT FINDING ONE

FOR YOURSELF.

WHEN DID YOU EVEN

HAVE TIME TO ASK HIM OUT?

WHEN YOU WERE

PUTTING ON YOUR LIP GLOSS.

THAT WAS A DIVERSION TACTIC

ON MY PART.

FRANKLY, YOU WERE KIND OF

ALREADY WEARING TOO MUCH.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

TO ME?

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED

WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT.

YOU TAKE SOMETHING THAT'S

AVAILABLE--WHO WANTS THAT?

TAKE SOMETHING FROM SOMEONE--

VALUE.

UNBELIEVABLE.

THIS IS NOT A GAME.

(chair creaks)

BUT IT COULD BE.

OOH. JAMES HAS BEEN SITTING

IN THAT CHAIR THE WHOLE TIME?

I'M INTRIGUED, JAMES.

YOU TWO COULD COMPETE

FOR THIS GUY. WHAT'S HIS NAME?

DANIEL.

NO EARTHLY IDEA.

I'LL SET THE RULES,

INCORPORATING THE IDEAS

THAT I WANTED TO USE

IN BELGIUM.

AND IF IT WORKS,

I'LL PITCH IT AS A TV SHOW

AND HOST IT MYSELF.

NO! YOU CAN'T TOY

WITH A PERSON LIKE THAT.

BESIDES, I WOULD NEVER COMPETE

AGAINST CHLOE FOR A GUY.

THE FIRST THING SHE'D DO

IS JUST SLEEP WITH HIM.

YOU KNOW IT.

WELL, JUNE,

AS IT JUST SO HAPPENS,

ONE OF MY RULES IS NO SEX

FOR THE FIRST FIVE DATES.

THAT WAY CHLOE CAN'T GAIN

AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.

BOO.

SO BASICALLY,

EITHER I DON'T PLAY,

IN WHICH CASE CHLOE SLEEPS WITH

DANIEL AND MAKES HIM UNDATABLE,

OR I ACTUALLY PLAY, AND I HAVE

A CHANCE TO DATE HIM.

GREAT. YOU'RE IN.

YEAH, WELL, I'M OUT.

NO SEX FOR FIVE DATES

SOUNDS LIKE TORTURE.

AWESOME. SO I GET DANIEL.

NO. YOU WANT HIM? HE'S MINE.

I'M BACK IN. VALUE!

PERFECT! OKAY.

(deep voice) LET'S MINGLE

WHILE WE'RE SINGLE.

THAT'S HOW THE GAME STARTS.

THE GAME

JUST OFFICIALLY STARTED.

THAT WASN'T CLEAR.

(door slams)

OKAY, SO HERE ARE

THE BASIC RULES OF THE GAME--

DANIEL CANNOT KNOW

YOU'RE COMPETING FOR HIM.

YOU WILL EACH GO

ON FIVE PLATONIC DATES.

YOU WILL EACH GET

AN INTERRUPTION CARD,

A COOL-DOWN CARD,

AND A MONKEY WRENCH CARD

WHICH CAN BE PLAYED

AT ANY TIME.

YOU HAD CARDS MADE UP?

AREN'T THEY BEAUTIFUL?

I CAN'T TAKE ALL THE CREDIT.

THE WOMAN AT KINKO'S

HAD SOME GREAT THOUGHTS.

QUESTION.

YES.

CAN WE PUNCH LUTHER?

NO.

SO AT THE END OF EACH DATE,

I WILL COUNT OUT THE NUMBER

OF TRUE CONNECTION MOMENTS

YOU EACH HAVE WITH DANIEL.

WHOEVER HAS THE MOST

WINS THE ROUND,

AND GETS... BEEK BUCKS

TO USE ON THEIR NEXT DATE.

THESE ARE FROM

THE VAN DER BEEK MONOPOLY SET

I MADE LAST EASTER.

LUTHER, YOU ARE ON IT TODAY.

I GOT GREAT SLEEP

LAST NIGHT.

(knocking on door)

I WANNA PLAY. I DON'T EVEN CARE

WHO THE GUY IS.

I JUST WANNA

PLAY A GAME WITH CHLOE.

GREAT. DIVERSITY. GET IN HERE.

EEE! (whispers) YES!

(giggles)

FORM AN ALLIANCE?

NO.

THIS IS GREAT.

FOR THE FIRST ROUND,

I NEED YOU TO WRITE DOWN

YOUR IDEAL DATE

ON THAT SHEET OF PAPER.

(click)

("Think!" from "Jeopardy!"

playing)

(clipboards clacking)

SO...

FOR YOUR FIRST DATE, JUNE,

YOU WILL BE GOING...

TO A DUNGEON.

WAIT. I-I DIDN'T

WRITE DOWN "DUNGEON."

I WROTE DOWN "PICNIC."

YOU AND CHLOE

ARE SWITCHING DATES.

NO!

GOD. I'M WEIRDLY INTO THIS.

I KNEW THE WHOLE THING

WAS CRAZY,

BUT I REALLY LIKED DANIEL.

I MEAN, WE ONLY CHATTED

FOR A FEW MINUTES IN THE BAR,

BUT I HADN'T FELT

A CONNECTION LIKE THAT

WITH SOMEONE IN A LONG TIME.

SO I GUESS

I'M GOING ON A DATE...

IN A DUNGEON.

I HAVE A VENT

IN MY APARTMENT

THAT LETS ME HEAR EVERYTHING

GOING ON IN APARTMENT 23.

IT'S WEIRD THEY NEVER ASK ME

HOW I ALWAYS KNOW

WHAT'S HAPPENING.

OR HOW I'VE TRAINED MY BODY

TO GET ON CHLOE'S CYCLE.

(techno music playing)

SO... THIS IS A DUNGEON.

YEAH.

I KNOW, IT'S...

IT'S KIND OF WEIRD.

NO. I'M JUST SURPRISED

YOU CHOSE THIS PLACE.

GOOD SURPRISED?

MORE LIKE

"WHY DID I WEAR LOAFERS

TO A DUNGEON?" SURPRISED.

(laughs)

HEY, ARE YOU READY

FOR ANOTHER ONE?

YES, PLEASE.

CARD. CARD. MONKEY CARD.

I INTERRUPT

YOUR DATE WITH CARDS.

GET OUTTA HERE.

DANIEL AND I JUST GOT HERE.

I AM NOT LEAVING.

UM, THOSE ARE THE RULES

OF THE GAME, JUNE.

DO YOU REALLY WANNA

BREAK THE RULES OF THE GAME?

I DIDN'T KNOW

THE RULES OF THE GAME.

I JUST WANTED

TO SLAM DOWN THE CARDS AND YELL.

I HATE GAMES.

(gasps) DANIEL.

CHLOE.

WOW. THAT IS SO WEIRD

RUNNING INTO YOU HERE.

WE'RE SEEING EACH OTHER

TOMORROW, RIGHT?

YEP, AND THE GIRL

THAT YOU WERE WITH,

SHE ASKED ME TO TELL YOU

SHE HAD AN EMERGENCY.

SHE RAN OUT OF HERE

HOLDING HER MOUTH AND HER BUTT.

OH, MY GOD.

ANYWAY, ENOUGH ABOUT HER.

I'M HERE NOW,

AND THIS COUNTS AS A DATE.

ONLY FOUR MORE UNTIL SEX.

MY MAN!

SO... IT'S GOING WELL.

IT'S A LITTLE PREDICTABLE.

I JUST... (sighs) IT'S GOOD.

IT'S NOT GREAT.

I FEEL LIKE I NEED

TO SHAKE THINGS UP, YOU KNOW?

THROW A CURVEBALL AT 'EM

OR SOMETHING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DATING SHOW I'M WORKSHOPPING

WITH JUNE AND CHLOE.

I'M REALLY ON TO SOMETHING

WITH THIS SHOW IDEA,

I JUST--

I'M MISSING SOMETHING.

YOU WATCH DATING SHOWS.

ANY IDEAS?

YOU WANT ME TO HELP

SET JUNE UP ON DATES?

THAT'S THE EXACT OPPOSITE

OF SOMETHING I'D BE INTO.

WAIT, YOU STILL HAVE

A CRUSH ON HER?

IT HASN'T BEEN THAT LONG.

IT'S BEEN, LIKE,

THE LONGEST CRUSH OF ALL TIME.

I'VE HAD ABOUT TEN CRUSHES

SINCE YOURS STARTED.

11.

(dog barks)

(people shouting playfully)

THIS SUCKS.

THIS PICNIC

WAS YOUR IDEA.

WHY'D YOU ONLY BRING

ONE CHAIR?

DANIEL, I DON'T...

I DON'T KNOW, DANIEL.

DO YOU WANT

SOME FOOD OR SOMETHING?

WHISKEY?

AN EGG?

AN EGG, I GUESS.

(exhales deeply)

(cracks)

OH!

GOD! IT'S NOT EVEN

HARD-BOILED!

WHAT?

ANYWAY, THIS COUNTS

AS A DATE.

ONLY THREE MORE

UNTIL SEX.

OH, AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE,

THIS CHAIR HAS TO BE RETURNED

TO TONY'S PARTY RENTALS.

YOU OWE HIM 50 BUCKS.

HIS PRICES

ARE PRETTY UNREASONABLE.

OKAY, LADIES,

NOW AT THIS POINT

IN THE GAME,

NONE OF YOU HAVE SCORED

ANY TRUE CONNECTION MOMENTS

WITH DANIEL.

I WOULD'VE HAD ONE

IF CHLOE HADN'T

INTERRUPTED MY DATE.

NOW, ROBIN, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN

TRIED TO MEET DANIEL YET.

UH, I KNOW.

I'VE GOT DUDES

COMIN' OUT OF MY EARS.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I AM THE ONLY ONE

WHO LIKES THIS GUY.

WELL, NOW HERE IS

YOUR CHANCE TO PROVE IT.

OUR NEXT CHALLENGE

IS A QUIZ ROUND,

SPONSORED BY

DIET DR. PEPPER.

DR. PEPPER LOVES EVERYTHING

I GET INVOLVED WITH.

JAMES VAN DER BEEK

AND DIET DR. PEPPER--

D.D.P., J.V.D.B.

THIS CHALLENGE IS DESIGNED

TO DETERMINE

WHICH OF YOU HAS

THE BRAINS TO BE WITH DANIEL.

THE WINNER WILL GAIN

A VERY SPECIAL ADVANTAGE

OVER THE OTHER CONTESTANTS.

THIS IS MY CONCEPT

THAT JAMES HAS AGREED TO TRY.

I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

IT'S CALLED

"THINGS LUTHER KNOWS,

BUT WANTS TO SEE IF YOU KNOW."

(clacks)

THE MOVIE "THE HELP"!

OKAY. FIRST QUESTION.

WHICH PLANET

IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM

GETS HIT

WITH THE MOST ASTEROIDS?

(clacks)

I HAVE NO IDEA!

(clacks)

I HAVE NO IDEA, EITHER.

WE ARE THE SAME.

ONLY BUZZ IN

IF YOU KNOW THE ANSWER.

OKAY.

WHO WAS THAT GUY

IN THE BLACK-AND-WHITE

JANET JACKSON VIDEO

IN THE DESERT WHO BALANCED

ON THAT BIG HALF-CIRCLE THING?

(clacks)

I HAVE NO IDEA!

(clacks)

I DON'T KNOW, EITHER.

DJIMON HOUNSOU.

I KNEW THAT!

JAMES ANSWERED

BEFORE I HAD A CHANCE.

TOUGH TO PROVE.

OKAY, LET'S WRAP

THIS ROUND UP.

WHOEVER ANSWERS

THIS NEXT QUESTION

WILL WIN THE GAME.

WHAT FILM...

(clacks)

THE MOVIE "THE HELP."

ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!

CHLOE WINS THE GAME.

YES!

MINNY PUT POOP IN THE PIE.

DAMN IT. I TOOK OUT

THE WRONG CARD.

CHLOE, AS WINNER

OF THIS GAME,

YOU WILL RECEIVE

THE VALUABLE...

MIND FORK.

(gasps)

IN A MUCH-NEEDED TWIST,

THE MIND FORK

WILL ALLOW YOU ACCESS

TO ONE PIECE

OF PERSONAL INFORMATION

DESIGNED TO BLOW

ONE OF THE CONTESTANT'S MINDS.

I GIVE IT TO JUNE RIGHT NOW.

(laughs) OKAY!

ALL RIGHT. I LIKE IT.

JUNE, YOUR MIND-BLOWING PIECE

OF INFORMATION IS,

MARK...

HAS A CRUSH ON YOU.

(gasps) OOH.

YOU JUST GOT

MIND FORKED.

(imitates explosion)

(door slams)

WHAT? NO.

MARK DOESN'T HAVE

A CRUSH ON ME.

YOU GUYS MADE THAT UP

AS PART OF

A TWIST IN THE GAME.

I MEAN, RIGHT?

OOH, THE MIND FORK

IS WORKING!

(knock on door)

HEY. UH, YOU LEFT

YOUR WALLET AT BEANS.

AH. YES, I DID.

ON PURPOSE? TOUGH TO PROVE.

POINT IS, YOU'RE HERE.

JUNE. MARK'S HERE.

HEY, MARK.

FUNKY MARK.

I WAS JUST LEAVIN'.

OUT THE DOOR,

FOUR-ON-THE-FLOOR.

OKAY. UH, ARE--

ARE WE STILL ON

FOR THE "SPRING INTO MAY"

FINALE TOMORROW?

(squeals) YEAH!

NASTY!

(slaps)

BUTTOCKS.

MIND FORKED.

I WAS FLUSTERED.

IF MARK REALLY DID

HAVE A CRUSH ON ME--

WHICH, BY THE WAY,

IS A BIG "IF"--

I COULDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT

RIGHT THEN.

I HAD TO FOCUS ON DANIEL

AND THE NEXT CHALLENGE.

WE WERE MEETING

DANIEL'S GREAT AUNT.

WE HAD TO GET HER

TO SAY WHICH GIRL

SHE THOUGHT WAS BEST FOR DANIEL.

BUT I WAS JUST HAPPY

TO SPLIT A POTPIE WITH CHLOE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

WE CAN'T SPLIT IT?

MA'AM. IT'S A POT PIE.

ALL THE STUFF INSIDE IT

WILL SPILL OUT.

WHY IS IT

JUST PROBLEMS WITH YOU?

SO DANIEL SEEMS

LIKE A REALLY GREAT GUY,

AND HE LOVES YOU VERY MUCH.

(oxygen tank hisses)

I LIKE YOUR... FACE HAT.

(hisses)

I'D REALLY LIKE THE CHANCE

TO GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER,

SO IF YOU COULD JUST--

OKAY.

ARE YOU READY

FOR THE NEXT TWIST?

BECAUSE HERE COMES

THE DOUBLE MIND FORK.

DANIEL.

AUNT AGGIE, ARE YOU OKAY?

YOU CAN'T EAT ANYTHING HERE.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?

I-I GET A PHONE CALL

FROM JAMES VAN DER BEEK,

TELLING ME THAT YOU STOLE

MY GREAT AUNT

FROM HER RETIREMENT HOME?

I-I HAD NO IDEA

YOU TWO EVEN KNEW EACH OTHER.

AND NOW I FIND OUT

YOU'RE PLAYING

SOME SICK,

REAL-LIFE DATING GAME?

HI. I'M ROBIN.

I'M COMPETING FOR YOU, TOO.

P.S., I'M NOT

ATTRACTED TO YOU.

DANIEL, I'M SO SORRY.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS

THE ONLY WAY

THAT I'D HAVE

A CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW YOU.

WELL, THEN, YOU'RE CRAZY.

THIS IS CRAZY.

YOU'RE ALL INSANE.

OH, MY GOSH.

I SHOULD HAVE

NEVER LISTENED TO YOU.

I LIKE THIS GUY,

AND NOW IT'S ALL RUINED,

BECAUSE OF YOU.

HEY.

I LIKED HIM, TOO.

ONLY BECAUSE I LIKED HIM.

AND ROBIN'S HERE

BECAUSE OF YOU,

AND JAMES IS HERE

BECAUSE OF HIS STUPID GAME.

IT IS STUPID.

I'M SORRY, JAMES,

BUT IT IS A DUMB GAME.

THIS ISN'T CONNECTED

TO ANYTHING. (cries)

OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET YOU

TALK ME INTO SOMETHING

SO DISHONEST AND MEAN.

(exhales deeply)

OKAY, AUNT AGGIE,

EVERYTHING IS FINE NOW.

BLAH! WHOA. IT SMELLS

LIKE NUTS IN HERE.

WHAT? I THOUGHT

I MADE MYSELF CLEAR.

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING

TO DO WITH YOU.

FIRST OF ALL,

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

AND SECOND, I'M NOT HERE FOR ME.

I'M HERE FOR JUNE.

LOOK, SHE DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING

TO DO WITH THIS STUPID GAME.

SHE JUST WANTED TO DATE YOU

IN A NORMAL, BORING WAY,

AND JAMES AND I

DIDN'T LET THAT HAPPEN.

SO SHE DESERVES

ANOTHER CHANCE.

DON'T BE MAD AT HER

FOR WHAT WE DID.

LOOK, I'M SORRY,

BUT JUNE DIDN'T HAVE TO

GO ALONG WITH IT

IF SHE DIDN'T WANT TO.

NOW PLEASE LEAVE

SO I CAN FORGET

THIS EVER HAPPENED.

(Aggie speaks indistinctly)

WHAT?

OH, THAT THING TALKS?

JUNE'S A GOOD GIRL.

GO TO HER.

CAN YOU BELIEVE

THE OLD LADY SAID "GO TO HER"?

I MEAN...

THAT'S GREAT TELEVISION.

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT LUTHER'S TALKING ABOUT.

MY SHOW'S INCREDIBLE.

(door opens)

MARK,

I GOT A HIT ON MY HANDS.

ALL THE TWISTS AND TURNS...

THE MIND FORK REALLY TOOK

THE WHOLE GAME TO ANOTHER LEVEL

WHEN I TOLD JUNE

YOU HAD A CRUSH ON HER.

YOU TOLD JUNE

I HAVE A CRUSH ON HER?

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

OH, DUDE...

IT HELPED MY GAME.

WELL, THAT'S MESSED UP, MAN!

YOUR GAME

ISN'T EVEN REAL.

I...

WH-WHAT DID SHE SAY?

WELL, NOT MUCH, REALLY.

I MEAN, SHE GOT BACK

ON DANIEL PRETTY QUICK.

(scoffs)

SHE'S FINE.

OH, GOOD,

'CAUSE I'M FINE, TOO.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO WATCH

THE FINALE OF "SPRING INTO MAY"

TOGETHER TONIGHT,

AND THAT'LL BEFINE... TOO.

SEE? EVERYBODY WINS

ON "JAMES VAN DER BEEK

PRESENTS:

DATE... SWAP...

TRIVIA... FORK."

I DON'T HAVE IT YET.

I DON'T HAVE THE NAME, MARK.

I'M GONNA GO FOR A RUN.

(bells jingle)

(cell phone chimes and vibrates)

(clatters)

(knock on door)

DANIEL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

CHLOE AND AUNT AGGIE

CONVINCED ME

TO GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE.

CHLOE? MY CHLOE?

I WAS UPSET.

I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING A PAWN

IN SOMEONE ELSE'S GAME.

BUT I LIKE YOU, AND YOU SEEM

LIKE A GOOD PERSON.

I'M SORRY.

NO MORE GAMES.

JUST ME AND YOU,

I PROMISE.

COME IN. I'M ACTUALLY

WATCHING THE SEASON FINALE

OF "SPRING INTO MAY,"

AND MAY IS ABOUT TO GIVE OUT

HER FINAL GOLDEN SPRING.

I KNOW IT'S STUPID,

BUT IT'S FUN.

DO YOU WANT A BURRITO?

OH, GOD, NO.

I HATE BURRITOS.

WHY WOULD I LIKE A FOOD

THAT HIDES ALL ITS INGREDIENTS

FROM VIEW?

IT'S LIKE, LET'S BUY

A PAIR OF SHOES

AND JUST KEEP 'EM

IN THE BOX.

IT'S REALLY NOT

THE SAME THING.

IT KIND OF IS.

NO, IT'S ACTUALLY...

IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO...

YOU KNOW, WHY AM I

DEFENDING BURRITOS?

WE ARE MISSING THE SHOW.

(DVR bloops)

SO, MAY,

YOU'VE HAD A CHANCE

TO THINK IT ALL THROUGH.

WHO'S IT GONNA BE?

(pounding)

IT'S KIND OF FUN IF YOU DO THIS,

GET INTO IT.

THAT'S PRETTY WEIRD.

♪♪♪

COULD HE HAVE WARNED MAY

ANY DIFFERENTLY?

SO IS THAT

HER BOYFRIEND OR SOMETHING?

NO, THAT--THAT'S THE HOST.

IT STARTED AS 24 MEN,

THEN DOWN TO...

SO IS SHE, LIKE,

A FAMOUS PERSON OR...

SHE'S--SHE'S A REGULAR GIRL.

BUT CAN YOU JUST BE QUIET,

THOUGH, SO WE CAN HEAR?

RIGHT. GOT IT.

...MAKE HER FINAL DECISION

AS TO WHO...

HEY, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE

TO EAT BESIDES BURRITOS?

AND OBVIOUSLY

NOT AN EGG ROLL,

'CAUSE... SAME ISSUE.

COMING UP NEXT,

WE'LL SEE WHICH LUCKY GUY

SHE CHOOSES.STAY TUNED.

I'M SORRY, DANIEL.

I JUST REALIZED THERE'S

SOMEWHERE ELSE I NEED TO BE.

WHAT?

I JUST DON'T THINK

WE'RE GONNA WORK OUT.

HI!

WELL, HELLO, LOVEBIRDS.

NO. (sighs) NO LOVEBIRDS.

IT'S NOT GONNA WORK OUT.

BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR HAVING A CHAT WITH HIM.

THAT WAS VERY COOL OF YOU.

I'M PRETTY COOL.

SO...

YOU WANNA DO STUFF?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU KNOW, LIKE...

STUFF.

OH, MY GOD.

I WANNA HOOK UP WITH YOU

EVEN THOUGH JUNE DOESN'T

WANT TO ANYMORE.

(gasps) THAT'S GROWTH.

(Robin, voice echoing) THAT IS

GROWTH. I'M PROUD OF YOU, CHLOE.

THANKS, GOD!

(chuckles)

HEY.

HEY. I HOPE

IT'S OKAY THAT I'M HERE.

YEAH. OF--OF COURSE.

I COULDN'T WATCH THE FINALE

WITHOUT YOU.

IT JUST WOULDN'T BE THE SAME.

MARK, WILL YOU ACCEPT...

MY SILVER BURRITO?

(laughs)

I WILL. YES.

(laughs)

(laughs)

DID I MISS ANYTHING?

YEAH, LIKE, 14 COMMERCIALS

FOR FABRIC SOFTENER.

SO MAY HASN'T GIVEN OUT

HER FINAL GOLDEN SPRING?

NO. THEY DRAG

THESE THINGS OUT SO MUCH.

YEAH. IT'S OKAY.

I KIND OF

NEVER WANT IT TO END.

YEAH. ME, TOO.

(chuckles)

(man) DON'T FORGET

TO TUNE IN THIS SEPTEMBER

FOR THE PREMIERE

OF "FALL INTO AUTUMN."

(door slams)

SO I DIDN'T BRING UP

THE WHOLE "MARK HAVING

A CRUSH ON ME" THING

'CAUSE I FIGURED HE COULD

TELL ME WHEN HE'S READY.

FOR NOW, I JUST ENJOYED WATCHING

THE SHOW WITH MY FRIEND.

AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.

I LITERALLY DIDN'T NEED

ANY OF THAT INFORMATION.

NONE OF IT.

FROM ANY OF YOU.

YOU'RE ALL HERE

BECAUSE I WANNA KNOW

WHAT HAPPENED TO DANIEL'S AUNT.

NOW WHERE IS AGNES WHIPPLE?

DANIEL TOOK HER BACK

TO THE NURSING HOME,

AND THAT'S THE LAST TIME

WE SAW HER.

WELL, SHE'S NOT THERE NOW.

AGNES WHIPPLE IS MISSING.

(pounding on window)

(Daniel) WHERE IS SHE,

YOU MONSTERS?!

THAT'S A WEIRD

RELATIONSHIP, RIGHT?

I MEAN,

THEY'RE WAY TOO CLOSE.

I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.