Original subtitles

(June) NOW THAT I'M

IN THE BUSINESS WORLD AGAIN,

IT'S MY JOB TO DISTINGUISH

MYSELF FROM THE HERD,

TO ESTABLISH MY OWN IDENTITY

AND BREAK OUT FROM THE PACK--

WHICH IS HARD

FOR MOST PEOPLE TO DO.

OF COURSE,

MOST PEOPLE AREN'T CHLOE.

HEY!

SO THERE'S THIS ABANDONED

SUBWAY STATION IN FLATBUSH.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

ANYWAY, SO I SHOW UP

WITH A TON OF LICORICE.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN "BECKER"?

I DON'T HAVE TIME

FOR ANY OF YOUR CRAZY STORIES.

MR. HARKIN MADE ME NUMBER TWO

ON A BIG PRESENTATION,

AND I HAVE

A TON OF WORK TO DO.

I HADN'T

SEEN "BECKER" EITHER,

WHICH IS WHAT I WAS

TELLING THIS KOREAN D.J.--

AND I MEAN KOREAN KOREAN.

AND--

(gasps)

HI. HI.

WHO'S SLAMMING DOORS?

SOMEONE SLAMMING A DOOR

IN THERE?

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF

IT'S THE ACOUSTICS OR WHAT,

BUT WHEN YOU SLAM THE DOOR,

IT'S ACTUALLY LIKE

A STRAIGHT SHOT INTO MY EARDRUM.

OKAY? IT'S RIGHT HERE.

THE DOOR SLAMS RIGHT HERE.

SO... OKAY, THANK YOU.

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

(Mr. Harkin) June? It's me.

MR. HARKIN?

No, you don't need to see me.

You just need to hear me.

Where are we with

the Yoshida Industries

presentation?

I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF ASSEMBLING

A LONG-TERM, LOW-RISK--

SO IT TURNS OUT THIS KOREAN D.J.

DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A WORK VISA,

AND THE COPS SHOW UP.

LUCKILY,

IT'S FRIENDLY OFFICER BILL--

NOT TO BE CONFUSED

WITH DRAG QUEEN BILLIE CLUB.

(lowered voice)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

June, who is that?

I AM SO SORRY, SIR.

UM, THAT--

THAT'S MY FRIEND... MINERVA.

I WILL BE IN YOUR OFFICE

IN JUST A MINUTE

WITH SOME PRELIMINARY NUMBERS.

MINERVA?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

I'M FINISHING MY STORY.

HEY, ARE THESE CALCIUM CHEWS

FOR ANYBODY?

CHLOE, THIS IS MY WORKPLACE.

YOU CANNOT COME BY HERE.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

I CAME BY ALL THE TIME WHEN

YOU WORKED AT THE COFFEE SHOP.

THIS IS NOT

THE COFFEE SHOP.

OH, REALLY?

THEN WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

OH. JUNE HOOKED IT UP.

YEAH, I COME BY TWICE A WEEK.

IT GENERATES INCOME FOR BEANS,

IMPROVES EMPLOYEE PRODUCTIVITY,

AND IT'S A GREAT WAY

TO NETWORK.

I PRINTED MY RESUME

ON THE CUP SLEEVES. SEE?

IS THIS READABLE AT ALL?

I SHOULDA LOOKED

AT A MOCK-UP,

BUT JUST SO EXCITED

TO GET MY LIFE STARTED.

JUNE, WHAT IS GOING ON?

THE YOSHIDA MEETING

IS MONDAY.

THEY'RE EXPECTING ME

TO DAZZLE THEM.

I'M EXPECTING YOU TO PROVIDE

THE INFORMATION NECESSARY

TO DO SAID DAZZLING.

DON'T DROP THE BALL

ON THIS.

ABSOLUTELY NOT, SIR. I WILL BE

IN YOUR OFFICE IN JUST A MINUTE.

OOH! WORKPLACE STUFF. FUN.

HEY, REMEMBER HOW IN BEDROCK

AT THE END OF THE DAY,

THEY WOULD PULL A CHICKEN,

AND IT WOULD SCREAM

TO LET EVERYONE KNOW

IT WAS QUITTIN' TIME?

WHAT'S YOUR VERSION

OF THAT?

WHAT DO YOU PULL?

WHAT'S YOUR CHICKEN?

GET... OUT.

EW. YOU'RE MEAN

AT THIS PLACE.

TEXT ME

IF THERE'S A LUNCH SPREAD.

(horn honks in distance)

AHH.

I HAVE TOO MUCH MONEY.

MY WALLET'S SO THICK

IT'S HURTING MY BACK.

OH! OOH! MM! LOOK WHO IT IS!

IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT WOMAN

IN THE WORLD!

♪ DA DA DA-DA ♪

♪ DA DA ♪

(Robert and Crissy)

THE DAVISES ARE HERE!

(hums)

UH, CRISSY AND ROBERT,

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

(gasps)

YOU'RE--YOU'RE VISITING.

YOU SENT ME, UH, AN E-MAIL

A COUPLE MONTHS BACK,

AND YOU JUST SENT ME A TEXT

TWO DAYS AGO TO FOLLOW UP.

BUT YAY! YOU'RE HERE.

WE'RE SO EXCITED.

WE HAVEN'T BEEN TO NEW YORK

SINCE OUR WEDDING.

(imitates New York accent)

HEY, I'M WALKIN' HERE!

ROBERT, NOW STOP IT BECAUSE WE

HAVE A REAL ACTOR IN OUR MIDST.

OH!

JAMES! (giggles)

NICE TO MEET YOU, FAN.

THANKS FOR COMING.

(door closes)

JAMES, YOU REMEMBER CRISSY,

MY FRIEND FROM INDIANA?

WE WENT TO HER WEDDING.

YOU... BANGED

IN THE COATROOM.

WE DID.

UH, JAMES IS MY FREEBIE,

AND, UM, WE JUST--

WE FOUND SOME PRIVACY,

AND YOU STARTED--

YOU STARTED KISSING MY NECK.

NO, NO. HONEY, HONEY,

THAT'S NOT HOW IT STARTED.

YOU'RE TELLING IT WRONG.

OH, SWEETIE, YOU TELL IT.

I AM SO SORRY. HE TELLS IT

SO MUCH BETTER ANYWAY.

OKAY, OKAY, SO, UM, CRISSY WAS

KISSING ON JAMES' NECK...

OKAY.

WHILE JAMES PLAYED

WITH HER BREASTS

YEAH.

AND FUMBLED WITH HER CORSET.

(claps hands)

CORSET IN THE COATROOM.

OF COURSE! YEAH!

IT WAS A REALLY FUN WEDDING.

OH! (laughs)

I HAVE A BIG MEETING

ON MONDAY,

SO I'LL HAVE TO WORK

ALL WEEKEND.

BUT, UH, I HAVE TO EAT,

SO, UH, LET'S JUST HAVE

A LIGHT SUNDAY BRUNCH HERE.

OR... I COULD TAKE US ALL

TO THE GRAMERCY CLUB.

AND YOU GET BRUNCH, AND YOU GET

BRUNCH, AND YOU GET BRUNCH,

AND YOU GET BRUNCH!

EVERYBODY GETS BRUNCH!

AND THIS IS WHERE I DO SIX HOURS

OF WORK BEHIND THE SCENES

TO MAKE WHAT JAMES SAYS

MAGICALLY HAPPEN.

FERNANDO? HEY, GIRL.

BRUNCH!

I NEED A FAVOR.

SO... DRAG QUEEN BILLIE CLUB

IS TELLING ME

ABOUT HER NEW

SUNDAY NIGHT DANCE PARTY

"TWERK BATON HOT DOG"

AT TUSHES,

AND OFFICER BILLY WANTS TO GO,

BUT HE'S PO-PO!

YOU CAN'T HAVE PO-PO

AT "TWERK BATON HOT DOG"!

JUNE,

YOU ARE RUINING BRUNCH,

THE MOST FUN MEAL

OF ALL THE MEALS,

AND YOU ARE

COMPLETELY IGNORING

YOUR FRIENDS

WHO CAME TO VISIT YOU

ALL THE WAY FROM WHO CARES.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I GUESS CAN

I TAKE A BREAK. (chuckles)

SO, UM, CRISSY, ROBERT,

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING

WHILE YOU'RE IN NEW YORK?

(both, singsongy)

"GOOD MORNING AMERICA"!

AH. I'VE DONE "G.M.A."

WHAT ARE YOU PROMOTING?

I'M KIDDING!

I KNOW YOU'RE JUST PEOPLE!

OH!

(all laugh)

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA HOLD UP SIGNS

OUTSIDE THE WINDOW

AND GET ON TV.

UH-OH. BETTER MAKE MINE

A VIRGIN MIMOSA.

OH! SPOILER ALERT!

I AM PREGNANT!

THAT'S WONDERFUL!

JAMES IS NOT THE FATHER!

I KNOW. ROBERT'S THE FATHER.

(both exhale deeply)

THAT'S FANTASTIC.

WE CONCEIVED ON THE THIRD NIGHT

OF OUR HONEYMOON.

YEAH.

THE FIRST TWO NIGHTS, MY MOM WAS

STILL SHARING OUR HOTEL ROOM.

OH, MY GOD.

EXCUSE ME. UM, I HAVEN'T

DRANK IN A WHILE.

I'M GONNA GO USE

THE RESTROOM.

(chuckles)

(toilet flushes)

(faucet running)

(sighs) OHH.

I FEEL A LITTLE LIGHT-HEADED.

BUT IT'S OKAY.

I'LL JUST SEGUE TO TEA

AND GET THOSE FILES

OVER TO HARKIN.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

YOU LANDED YOSHIDA.

BUT--BUT THE YOSHIDA MEETING

ISN'T UNTIL MONDAY.

YEAH, AND TODAY'S TUESDAY.

I--WH-WHAT HAPPENED TO BRUNCH?

GET THIS CRAZY BITCH

SOME BRUNCH!

(Fox giggles)

(door slams)

(man) WAY TO GO!

JUNE, CONGRATS ON YOSHIDA!

AND I TOLD MY HUSBAND WHAT YOU

SAID ON MONDAY, AND HE AGREED.

CANCELED THE ADOPTION.

(laughs)

GOOD! A LOT HAPPENED ON MONDAY,

AND TODAY'S--TODAY'S TUESDAY.

JUNE, YOUR ADVICE YESTERDAY

WORKED.

THE SWELLING'S COMPLETELY GONE!

(rattles)

I GOT IT.

THANKS SO MUCH, JUNE.

SI, SE PUEDE, RIGHT?

MM-HMM! MM-HMM.

PICK UP. PICK UP. PICK UP.

PICK UP. PICK UP.

(beep)

HI.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?

OH. YOU WERE BLACKED OUT

FOR TWO DAYS.

WHY?!

THE LAST THING I REMEMBER

WAS BEING IN THE BATHROOM

AT BRUNCH.

YEAH, SO IMMEDIATELY

BEFORE THAT,

I "BLACK LIGHTNINGED" YOU.

WHAT?

I PUT AN HERB

THAT I GOT OFF THE INTERNET

CALLED BLACK LIGHTNING

INTO YOUR MIMOSA.

YOU'VE BEEN SO BORING

AND SELF-OBSESSED LATELY.

I WANTED TO SHAKE YOU UP

LIKE A SNOW GLOBE.

WHAT DID I DO WHILE

I WAS BLACKED OUT?

A LOT OF THINGS.

WHEE!

♪♪♪

WHEE!

(dance music playing)

WHEE!

CAN YOU BELIEVE

I DID THAT TO YOU?

PRETTY CRAZY OF ME, RIGHT?

SO I'M THERE,

ABOUT TO WALK YOSHIDA THROUGH

OUR CONSERVATIVE

INVESTMENT PROPOSAL,

WHEN YOU ROLL IN, TALKING

HIGH-RISK, HIGH-REWARD...

AND YOU DAZZLED THEM.

THEY WANTED SAFE.

YOU CALLED AN AUDIBLE.

AND, LADY, THAT'S THE KIND OF

THING THAT GETS YOU PROMOTED

FROM JUNIOR ANALYST

TO SENIOR JUNIOR ANALYST!

HUH?! HA HA!

(laughs)

THANK YOU! OHH.

JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE

WITH THE ADOPTION AGENCY.

BABY'S CANCELED! (laughs)

GOOD LUCK GROWING UP

IN THE UKRAINE, BABY.

YOU'LL BE COLD,

AND I'LL BE DRUNK!

(laughs) WHOO!

(Kenny Loggins)

♪ HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE ♪

(fan whirring, remote beeps)

(turns off music and fan)

SO LOUD!

I'M JUST TAKING A MIND RIDE,

THINKING ABOUT CRISSY'S BABY.

I MEAN, HOW COULD SHE BE SO SURE

THAT IT'S NOT MINE?

WAIT. I'M CONFUSED.

DO YOU WANT THE BABY

TO BE YOURS?

I JUST THINK IT'S WEIRD

THAT WITH ALL

THE WILD CELEBRITY SEX I'VE HAD,

I'VE NEVER HAD

A PREGNANCY SCARE.

YOU HAVEN'T?

(laughs) OH, HONEY.

EVEN I'VE HAD

A PREGNANCY SCARE.

(deep voice)

YO, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I'M-A BE HERE FOR YOU

THROUGH THIS WHOLE--

IT'S NEGATIVE!

(high-pitched voice) OH! AH!

NEGATIVE! (laughs)

OH!

THAT WAS CLOSE, GIRL!

I MEAN, CRISSY CAN'T SAY

ANYTHING IN FRONT OF HER

HUSBAND,

BUT SHE SAYS THAT THEY CONCEIVED

ON THEIR HONEYMOON.

WE SLEPT TOGETHER

ON THEIR WEDDING DAY.

THAT'S PRETTY CLOSE.

NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

IF I HAD TO PIT YOUR SPERM

AGAINST HIS SPERM... (gasps)

I WOULD SAY

YOUR SPERM WOULD WIN!

I'LL GET A D.N.A. TEST

AFTER THE BABY'S BORN.

IF IT'S MINE, I'LL JUST SUE

FOR SOLE CUSTODY.

DON'T TOUCH THAT.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME,

WHAT KIND OF LIFESTYLE

IS CRISSY LEADING?

I MEAN, HOW MUCH IS SHE

EXERCISING? WHAT IS SHE EATING?

WELL, SHE DID EAT

ALL THE GOOD BREAD AT BRUNCH,

I'LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH.

OH, YOU LEFT US

THE ONE HARD, MULTIGRAIN ROLL

WITH SUNFLOWER SEEDS IN IT?

THANKS, TUBS.

HMM.

MAYBE WE SHOULD MAKE OUR

"G.M.A." SIGN IN THE HALLWAY.

NOPE, YOU'RE GOOD.

OKAY. (sighs)

HERE IS WHAT I HAVE PIECED

TOGETHER FROM MY BLACKOUT.

AT 11:14 P.M.,

I SENT MYSELF AN E-MAIL

SAYING, "WARN THEM."

AND YOU THINK I'M GAY,

WHICH IS INSANE TO ME.

CAN YOU PASS

THE GLITTER GLUE?

YOU KNOW WHOSE FAULT

THIS IS? MINE.

I DID THIS TO YOU

ON PURPOSE FOR NO REASON.

IT'S PRETTY TERRIBLE OF ME,

RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, IT SEEMS

LIKE EVERYTHING TURNED OUT OKAY.

I MEAN, WE HAD FUN,

AND YOU AGREED TO HOLD UP SIGNS

WITH US AT "G.M.A."

WHICH IS GONNA BE

SUPER GREAT--

ALTHOUGH IT IS GOING TO BE

DIFFICULT TO TOP

OUR SEVEN HOURS

OF STRIP BOWLING.

(cell phone rings)

(Crissy and Robert laugh)

"THE BOOTY"?

WHO'S THE BOOTY?

(ring)

OH, IT MUST BE A BOOTY CALL

FROM MONDAY.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT DID I DO?

(ring)

DID I HOOK UP WITH SOMEBODY?

WHO WAS THAT?!

HERE. I'LL CALL THEM

FROM MY PHONE,

AND THEN I'LL FIND OUT

WHO WAS IN YOUR BODY.

CHLOE, NO. I DON'T KNOW

IF I WANNA KNOW WHO THAT WAS.

AND THEN I'LL PUT IT

ON SPEAKER.

(beep, phone rings)

(singsongy)

Hello?

HI. WHO'S THIS?

Chloe? It's Mark.

MARK?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

ANSWERING THE BOOTY'S PHONE?

IS THE BOOTY THERE?

(laughs) Did June tell you?

Yeah, I'm the Booty,

and she's Cutie.

(whispers) OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD! HANG UP!

HANG UP!

June? Is that you, Cutie?

(thud)

OH!

WELL, I'M TORN

BECAUSE THE POSTER'S RUINED,

BUT...

THERE'S A LOT OF GLITTER,

WHICH I ENJOY.

(mouth full)

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I MEAN, EVEN IF

THEIR HONEYMOON WAS DELAYED,

SPERM CAN LIVE FOR DAYS

IN A WARM, MOIST CLIMATE.

UH, CAN WE PLEASE

TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE?

NO, THEY'RE STOPPING.

WHY ARE THEY...

OH, MY GOD. STOP THE CAR.

OH, HI!

HEY, LUTHER, LOOK!

IT'S CRISSY AND ROBERT!

JAMES!

(laughs)

WOW! (laughs)

JUNE TOLD US THIS CART HAS

AMAZING FALAFELS.

YOU MEAN

AMAZING MISCARRIAGES.

JAMES!

WHAT?

YOU KNOW,

I READ THAT GOOD PREGNANTS

AVOID FRIED FOODS.

LET'S GET YOU

TO THE FARMER'S MARKET,

GET YOU A NICE

WHOLE ROASTED CHICKEN.

OOH!

THAT'S ALL MY MOM ATE,

AND LOOK AT ME. I'M IN A LIMO.

COME ON, HOP IN.

OKAY.

(speaking indistinctly)

(Allen gasps)

OH, YOU'RE THE--

WHAT'S GOING ON?

(gasps) YOUR PIG CAME.

WE HEARD SNORTING,

SO WE OPENED THE BOX.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER

USED TO HATE YOU, JUNE.

NOW YOU HAVE A PIG. (gasps)

(giggles)

WHAT THE HELL?

2-DAY DELIVERY. YOU MUST'VE

ORDERED HIM ON MONDAY.

(whispers) MONDAY.

IS THAT HIS NAME?

THAT'S A CUTE NAME.

MONDAY THE PIG.

GREAT PIG.

JUNE, TELL THE GUYS FROM H.R.

THEY HAVEN'T HEARD IT.

HEARD WHAT?

(laughing) THE DIRTY JOKE

YOU TOLD ON MONDAY!

(Allen laughs)

SO FILTHY!

I STARTED TO TELL IT,

BUT IT'S NOT REALLY A BOSS JOKE,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

GO AHEAD.

(laughs)

SO, UM...

(clears throat)

THIS, UM...

(pig snorting)

MEXICAN...

OH. HA!

THAT WALKS INTO A...

(snorting continues)

PENIS...

JUNE, EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

YOU SEEM A LITTLE OFF TODAY.

NO. YES. OH, I-I AM NOT OFF.

I AM ON.

I AM--I AM SUPER ON.

GOOD.

BRING THAT ENERGY TO DINNER

WITH YOSHIDA TONIGHT.

DINNER?

THEY WANT YOU TO WALK THEM

THROUGH YOUR PROPOSAL

STEP-BY-STEP.

RIGHT! MY PROPOSAL!

MY MONDAY PROPOSAL.

(chuckles) MONDAY JUST

DOESN'T END, DOES IT?

JUST BRING THIS THING HOME.

I TRUST YOU,

SENIOR JUNIOR ANALYST

JUNE COLBURN.

(slaps back)

(chuckles)

(snorting)

I'M DONE HOLDING HIM.

(door slams)

OKAY, JUNE.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU

PITCHED TO THESE GUYS ON MONDAY,

BUT YOU CAN WING IT.

YOU CAN CHANNEL MONDAY, JUNE.

SHE IS IN THERE.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

YOU CAN CLOSE THIS DEAL.

(whispers)

NO, YOU CAN'T.

THAT WAS MY MIRROR VOICE,

BUT I SHARE

THE MIRROR'S OPINION.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE

TO WORK WASTED.

HEY, I AM UNDER

A LOT OF PRESSURE.

I DO NOT NEED JUDGMENT FROM YOU.

HEY! DON'T YOU SNAP AT ELI.

THIS IS NOT HIS FAULT.

IT'S MINE.

SO YOU POINT THAT MAD FACE

THIS WAY.

(cell phone rings)

(ring)

IT'S MARK AGAIN.

(beep)

HELLO?

HI, THE BOOTY.

BET YOU WANNA TALK TO CUTIE.

SHE'S RIGHT HERE.

NO, I DON'T--

HI, MARK.

I BOOKED THE HOTEL ROOM.

OH. OKAY.

THAT--THAT SOUNDS LIKE

SOMETHING THAT WE... DISCUSSED.

SO MEET THERE TONIGHT?

WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN,

LIKE YOU SAID MONDAY.

OKAY. GOTTA GO. BYE!

(beep)

OH, GOD.

I GOTTA DEAL WITH THAT.

BUT FIRST, I GOTTA DEAL

WITH THE YOSHIDA ACCOUNT.

IT'S GONNA GO YOSHIDA, MARK,

THE PIG,

THE GRASS STAINS

ON MY CLOTHES.

I'M THE ONE

THAT ORDERED YOU THAT PIG!

I MEANT FOR IT TO BE

A PANDA!

I CHECKED THE WRONG BOX.

(woman on TV) YOUR BABY IS

NOW ABOUT THE SIZE

OF A KIDNEY BEAN

AND IS CONSTANTLY MOVING.

WELL, WE'RE GONNA GET GOING.

BUT YOU'RE ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH

"HEALTHY MOMMY, HEALTHY BABY."

(baby cries)

(turns off DVD)

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU, JAMES?

WHY DO YOU SEEM SO UPSET?

ALL RIGHT.

(sighs) JUST HEAR ME OUT.

THIS IS DIFFICULT.

I KNOW YOU SAID THERE ISN'T,

BUT THERE'S A SLIGHT CHANCE THAT

THAT BABY COULD BE MINE.

NO. NO, THERE'S NO CHANCE

THE BABY COULD BE YOURS, JAMES.

BUT EVEN IF THERE WAS,

WHAT'S YOUR PLAN HERE?

(sighs deeply)

OKAY, THIS IS...

THIS IS

THE REALLY DIFFICULT PART.

DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY,

BUT I...

I DON'T THINK

YOU WILL BE A GOOD MOTHER.

WHAT?

I'M JUST SAYING,

I-I DON'T THINK

YOU'LL BE A GOOD MOTHER.

I-I...

DON'T...

THINK YOU'LL BE

A GOOD MOTHER.

(scoffs)

(stammers)

NO OTHER WORDS ARE

REVEALING THEMSELVES TO ME

TO CONVEY THIS TO YOU.

I THINK

THIS IS WHEN WE LEAVE.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I WASTED

MY FREEBIE ON YOU, JAMES.

COME ON.

W--

(sighs)

I MEAN, CRISSY, WAIT.

WAIT. WAIT.

I...

DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE

A GOOD MOTHER.

(Crissy sobs)

(door slams)

SO ALTHOUGH THE POTENTIAL

FOR PROFIT IS EXTREMELY HIGH...

SO EXCITING. IT'S JUST LIKE

YOU SAID ON MONDAY.

YOUR POTENTIAL FOR BANKRUPTCY

IS ALSO VERY HIGH.

YOU COULD LOSE EVERYTHING.

OR YOU COULD QUADRUPLE

YOUR INVESTMENT IN THREE MONTHS.

HIGH-RISK, HIGH-REWARD.

YOU BELIEVE IN THIS STRATEGY,

RIGHT?

YOU THINK THIS IS

THE WAY TO GO?

ARIGATO!

(singsongy) HEY!

HI. WHAT ARE WE DRINKIN'?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I WAS JUST OUT.

I MISSED YOU.

WHAT?

YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME WEIRD.

JUNE, CAN I SPEAK WITH YOU?

(chuckles)

IS THAT MINERVA?

WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE?

AND WHY IS IT TAKING YOU SO LONG

TO CLOSE THIS THING?

WHERE'S THAT MONDAY DAZZLE?

THE DAZZLE IS STILL HERE, SIR.

IT'S JUST--

IT'S MORE... IT'S NUANCED.

I DON'T WANT NUANCED DAZZLE.

I WANT RAZZLE-DAZZLE!

WELL, THEN GET OUT OF HERE.

LET ME WORK MY MAGIC.

YOUR BOSS ENERGY IS PUTTING

A DAMPER ON THE DAZZLE.

YOU ARE

FREAKING EVERYBODY OUT.

THERE'S THAT MONDAY DAZZLE.

CLOSE THIS DEAL.

BRING HOME

THE HEAD OF THE BULL.

SEVER THE NECK OF THE SERPENT

WITH THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES!

NOW GET OUT OF HERE,

OLD MAN LINGO.

(laughs)

OH, GOD.

SHE KIDNAPPED THEM!

CHLOE, THIS IS THE ONE HUNDREDTH

MESSAGE I'VE LEFT YOU.

I'M NOT ANGRY.

I JUST WANT MY CLIENTS BACK.

HARKIN THINKS THIS IS STILL ALL

PART OF MY MASTER DAZZLE PLAN,

AND--OH, GOD. WHERE HAVE YOU

BEEN?! WHERE ARE MY CLIENTS?!

(beep)

I TOOK THEM TO

AN AFTER-HOURS PARTY.

PRETTY TERRIBLE OF ME, RIGHT?

I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF PERSON

WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

WELL, W-W-WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

I NEED TO CLOSE THIS DEAL.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THEY'RE NOT GONNA CLOSE

THIS DEAL WITH YOU

BECAUSE THEY AGREED TO CLOSE

THIS DEAL WITH MONDAY JUNE.

AND GUESS WHAT?

IT'S THURSDAY.

I AM MONDAY JUNE.

NO.

I-I AM ALWAYS MONDAY JUNE.

THE DAZZLE IS INSIDE OF ME.

I KNOW THAT YOU THINK THAT

I'M SAFE AND THAT I'M BORING

AND THAT'S WHY YOU DRUGGED ME.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM NOT.

I AM HIGH-RISK,

AND I AM HIGH-REWARD!

(cell phone rings)

(beep)

WHAT, BOOTY?!

YEAH, SO I'VE BEEN

WAITING HERE ALL NIGHT.

UH, YOU'RE CLEARLY NOT COMING,

SO I'M GONNA GO.

OH, SO YOU, TOO, HUH? YOU ALL

WANT ME TO BE FUN AND CRAZY.

YOU ALL WANT ME TO BE

MONDAY JUNE.

WELL, GUESS WHAT?

HERE SHE COMES.

GET NAKED AND WAIT.

UH...

(beep)

I JUST HAVE ONE STOP

I'LL BE MAKING FIRST.

♪♪♪

JUST TAKE A LOOK

AT THOSE SNOWFALL TOTALS.

NOW, YOU KNOW,

IT'S CHILLY OUTSIDE,

SO COMING UP NEXT,

HOW ABOUT SOME RECIPES

TO PUT THE CHILI INSIDE?

OF YOUR BODIES, WE MEAN.

WE'RE MAKIN' CHILI.

SAM! (giggles)

(laughs)

JUNE!

OH, MY GOSH. YOU CAME.

OF COURSE I CAME.

I SAID I'D COME

TO "G.M.A." WITH YOU, DIDN'T I?

YOU SEEM RATHER AGITATED.

I AM NOT. I AM FUN.

I AM MONDAY JUNE FUN!

DELICIOUS.

AND THE GREAT PART

ABOUT THIS IS...

(glass squeaks)

IT WORKS WITH TURKEY, BEANS,

OR EVEN VEGETARIAN.

♪ LA-LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

WELL...

APPARENTLY EVERYONE IN THE WORLD

WATCHES "G.M.A."

I LOST THE YOSHIDA ACCOUNT.

HARKIN IS NO LONGER PROMOTING ME

TO JUNIOR SENIOR ANALYST.

HE WOULD'VE FIRED ME,

BUT I GAVE HIM THE PIG.

WOW. BIG DAY.

YOU WON, CHLOE.

YOU KEPT PUSHING ME

AND PUSHING ME

TO BE MORE FUN AND SPONTANEOUS

LIKE YOU, AND I CRACKED.

I CRACKED TWO FRIED EGGS

ON THE "G.M.A." WINDOW.

WHAT?

TWO FRIED EGGS--

WHEN YOU PUSH YOUR BOOBS

UP AGAINST THE GLASS.

IT'S A PRESSED HAM

WHEN YOU DO YOUR BUTT.

HAM, BUTT. EGGS, BOOBS.

YOU THINK I'VE BEEN TRYING

TO GET YOU TO BE LIKE ME?

I DIDN'T BLACK LIGHTNING YOU

OR ORDER YOU A PIG,

BLOW UP YOUR DINNER,

AND KIDNAP YOUR CLIENTS

TO GET YOU TO DO

FRIED EGGS.

THEN WHY DID YOU DO IT?

SINCE YOU GOT THAT NEW JOB,

YOU'RE NEVER AROUND.

THAT'S WHAT THIS IS?

YOU MISSED ME?

NO, I DON'T MISS YOU.

I... MISS YOU

REACTING TO ME.

I MEAN, IF I CAN'T COME HOME

FROM A CRAZY NIGHT

AND SHOCK YOU WITH MY STORIES,

WHAT AM I EVEN DOING IT FOR?

IF A CRAZY, DRUNK TREE

BARFS IN THE FOREST--

IF SEAN YOUNG

BARFS IN THE FOREST,

AND THERE'S NO ONE THERE

TO SEE IT, DID IT EVEN HAPPEN?

OH, MY GOD.

YOU ALMOST COST ME MY JOB

BECAUSE YOU MISSED ME.

YOU CRAZY BITCH.

SEE?

WAS THAT SO DIFFICULT?

BY THE WAY,

YOUR LEFT EGG IS SMALLER.

I FREEZE-FRAMED IT.

I'M GONNA PUT IT ON A T-SHIRT.

(knock on door)

(door creaks)

YOU TOLD ME

TO GET NAKED AND WAIT.

I HAVE TO BE HONEST

WITH YOU.

UM... I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER

MONDAY.

(chuckles) YOU'RE IN MY PHONE

AS "THE BOOTY,"

SO CLEARLY WE...

NO! NO! (stammers)

WE WERE JOKING THAT WE WERE

GONNA WRITE A DETECTIVE SHOW

CALLED

"CUTIE AND THE BOOTY."

I-I PUT YOU IN MY PHONE

AS "CUTIE,"

AND YOU PUT ME IN YOURS

AS "THE BOOTY."

(squeaks) OH!

OKAY!

(laughs)

OH!

UH, W-WAIT. WHY DID I WANT

A HOTEL ROOM?

YEAH, THAT WAS UNCLEAR.

UH, YOU SAID WE'D HAVE

A GOOD TIME.

WHAT DID I MEAN

BY "HAVE A GOOD TIME"?

(laughs)

(laughs) I DON'T KNOW!

HA HA!

I DO NOT KNOW!

I-I FIGURED WE WERE EITHER GONNA

ORDER A BUNCH OF ROOM SERVICE

AND EMPTY THE MINI-BAR,

OR...

IT'S A MYSTERY.

IT'S A MYSTERY! IT'S--IT'S

A CASE FOR CUTIE AND THE BOOTY!

OH! (laughing)

(laughs)

WHOO!

FOR THE RECORD,

I LIKE REGULAR JUNE BETTER.

UM, MONDAY WAS CONFUSING.

FOR ME, TOO!

I DON'T KNOW WHY,

BUT MY LEGS ARE SO SORE.

♪ ...YOUR THANG TO THE GROUND ♪

♪ SHAKE IT OFF,

GET BACK UP ♪

♪ DO IT TILL YOU GET ENOUGH ♪

♪ I KNOW I TOLD YOU,

YES, I DID ♪

♪ DON'T UNDERESTIMATE

THE KID. ♪

(door slams)

I PROMISE

NEXT TIME YOU COME,

I WILL SHOW YOU

A REAL NEW YORK WEEKEND.

OH, IT TOOK US A YEAR

TO SAVE UP FOR THIS TRIP,

BUT THANK YOU. (laughs)

(laughs)

(sighs) YEAH.

I...

I'M A JERK.

NO ARGUMENT HERE.

ROBERT, THAT'S SWEET OF YOU

TO SAY, BUT IT'S TRUE.

WE DID

SOME FURTHER RESEARCH.

THERE'S NO WAY

THE BABY COULD BE MINE.

OUR ORIGINAL UNDERSTANDING

OF SPERM WAS ERRONEOUS.

ALL THAT ASIDE,

CRISSY, I'M SORRY I SAID

YOU'D BE A BAD MOTHER.

IT'S NOT TRUE.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO TRY

TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU

BY OFFERING TO PAY FOR

THE BABY'S COLLEGE EDUCATION.

THE WHOLE THING--

PhD, GRAD SCHOOL,

WHEREVER HE WANTS TO GO.

(gasps) OH, MY GOD.

(laughs)

WOW! (laughs)

(whispers indistinctly)

NO WAY.

MM-HMM.

(June) OH, MY GOD!

(Robert and Crissy laugh)

HOW DO PEOPLE AFFORD THAT?

I'M RICH, BUT I'M NOT CRAZY.

UH, HOW ABOUT A MICROWAVE?

LUTHER,

SEND THEM A MICROWAVE.