Original subtitles

HOW COME I CAN

NEVER FIND ANYTHING?

BECAUSE YOU'RE A SLOB, JUNE.

(sighs) BECAUSE YOU

ARE A DISORGANIZED...

OOH! DUMPLING.

(thud in distance)

CHLOE?

(clatter)

(whispers) CHLOE?

(clatter)

(floorboard creaks)

CHLOE?

WHAT?!

(whispers) I HEARD SOMETHING.

YEAH! YOU SCREAMING

"CHLOE! CHLOE!"

AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS!

(clatter)

(both gasp)

WHAT WAS THAT?

SURPRISE!

AAH!

AAH!

NUTS! NOSE! NUTS! NOSE!

TEDDY!

IT WAS ME. I WAS THE NOISE

SHE WAS HEARING.

(laughs)

(panting) WHO IS TEDDY,

AND W-WHAT IS THIS ROOM

THAT I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE?

OH, THAT'S OUR THIRD BEDROOM.

I USE IT AS MY CLOSET.

AND TEDDY AND I WENT TO

PSYCHOPATH CAMP TOGETHER

WHEN WE WERE KIDS!

JUNE, I DIDN'T TELL YOU

ABOUT THE CLOSET,

AND THAT'S A BIG THING

TO KEEP FROM SOMEBODY.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU

A BACK CRACK!

BACK CRACK! BACK CRACK!

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

THIS WHOLE ROOM

IS FOR YOUR CLOTHES?

I KEEP MY SUITS IN A TRASH BAG

ON THE FIRE ESCAPE.

CAMP C.U.T.S.--

IT STANDS FOR "CALLOUS

UNEMOTIONAL TRAIT SURVIVORS."

YOU KEPT THE SHIRT?

OF COURSE I KEPT THE SHIRT.

I LOVED IT THERE.

SHOULD WE SING HER

THE CAMP SONG?

(Chloe and Teddy whistle tune)

(both, monotone voice)

WE ARE NORMAL CHILDREN.

WE DON'T TORTURE ANIMALS.

RESPECT YOUR THERAPIST.

TAKE YOUR MEDS.

OUR PAIN IS HOPEFULLY FINITE.

MY MOM SENT ME

TO CAMP C.U.T.S.

BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT I HAD

TROUBLE EXPRESSING ANY EMOTION.

I HAD NO REACTION TO THAT.

AND MY MOM SENT ME BECAUSE OF

WHAT I DID TO MY BROTHER.

WHAT'D YOU DO

TO YOUR BROTHER?

SO EVERY YEAR,

TEDDY GOES OFF HIS MEDS,

AND HE COMES TO TOWN FOR

THE CARTER MARSH WAREHOUSE SALE.

UNMEDICATED TEDDY

IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED TO HELP

FEND OFF THE VICIOUS WOMEN

FROM CONNECTICUT

WHO S.U.V. IN FOR

THE BIGGEST SALE OF THE YEAR.

CAN YOU HEAR THEM, JUNE,

PREPARING FOR BATTLE,

SHARPENING THEIR FINGERNAILS?

(high-pitched voice)

SHING-SHING. SHING.

THIS IS THE DRESS

THAT I WANT.

RETAIL VALUE IS $4,000.

THEY'LL MARK IT DOWN

TO $399.

THEY'LL ONLY HAVE ONE,

AND THEY'LL HIDE IT...

BUT I'LL FIND IT.

WHAT DOES TEDDY DO?

HE CLEARS A PATH

AND ERECTS A FORCE FIELD.

I'M TOUGH, JUNE,

BUT I NEED A WARRIOR--

SOMEONE WITH NO FEAR.

YOU WERE THE FEARLESS ONE.

YOU PUSHED MISS WU

OUT OF THE ICE CREAM TRUCK

AND THREW US ALL BOMB POPS.

WU WAS SLOW.

SHE HAD TO BE PUSHED. (laughs)

(laughs)

THAT CAMP WAS THE BEST.

IT'S SO SAD THAT IT'S GONE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?

IT BURNED DOWN.

CLOSED.

(horn honks in distance)

(Chloe laughs)

AND SO WHAT ABOUT YOU?

HOW MANY GUYS IN YOUR ROTATION?

SEVEN.

(singsongy)

BUT SHE ONLY LOVES ONE!

JUNE, SHUT UP!

SHE DOES? WHO IS HE?

HIS NAME IS BENJAMIN.

HE DIRECTED A WONDERFUL MOVIE

THAT JAMES WAS IN

CALLED "LOVE MONSTER."

NEVER HEARD OF IT!

THEY MET ON HALLOWEEN,

AND SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS

PLAYING A TRICK ON HIM,

BUT IT TURNED OUT HE WAS

PLAYING A TRICK ON HER,

AND THEY HAD A ROMANTIC SCENE

AT THE AIRPORT

AND THEY HAVEN'T TALKED

TO EACH OTHER SINCE.

EXCUSE ME. WHAT IS GOING ON

UNDER YOUR TOP?

IT'S A, UH,

IT'S A BATHING SUIT.

AAH! DEVIL!

WHAT? IT'S BEEN REALLY CRAZY

AT WORK,

AND I HAVEN'T HAD TIME

TO DO LAUNDRY.

JUNE, IF YOU WANNA COME WITH US

TO THE WAREHOUSE SALE,

I'D BE HAPPY

TO BLOCK FOR YOU, TOO.

THAT'S VERY SWEET, TEDDY,

BUT I DON'T NEED

ANY NEW FANCY UNDERWEAR.

JUNE, YOU DESERVE

THAT URINARY TRACT INFECTION

THAT BATHING SUIT'S

GIVING YOU.

OKAY, WHEN YOU SAID WE WERE

GETTING A V.I.P. WALK-THROUGH,

I PICTURED

THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THIS.

YOU CAN'T GO TO WAR IF YOU DON'T

KNOW THE BATTLEFIELD, JAMES.

(sighs) THE ONLY GOOD THING

ABOUT THIS SALE

IS THE XANADU IT CREATES

AT THE FLAGSHIP STORE.

WHILE YOU GUYS ARE HERE

BATTLING IT OUT,

I WILL BE UPTOWN

SHOPPING IN PEACE.

I'LL EVEN CHECK IN ON HOW

THE BEEK JEANS ARE SELLING.

I USUALLY END UP SIGNING

A COUPLE PAIRS

FOR YOUNG HOMOSEXUAL TOURISTS.

OH, LOOK! THERE THEY ARE--

THE CONNECTICUT CREW,

STILL ALL SWEATY

FROM THE CARPOOL RIDE IN.

OH, THE RINGLEADER'S

REALLY LET HERSELF GO.

HEY, HEATHER! HI!

YOU'RE FAT!

CHLOE, THAT WOMAN IS

WITH CHILD.

I KNOW.

HEY, HEATHER!

GOOD LUCK DRAGGING YOUR FAT ASS

AROUND HERE ON SATURDAY.

MY NAME IS FAITH,

AND I KNOW JUST WHERE

THEY'LL STASH IT.

(gasps) MY DRESS.

I'M GONNA GO FLATTEN

THEIR TIRES.

SO, JAMES,

WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?

UH, I PASSED ON A CHEMISTRY READ

WITH HELEN HUNT

FOR SOME TV PILOT.

UH-HUH. WHAT ELSE?

(sighs) MY SECOND COUSIN JANET

IS IN LOVE WITH ME.

HER HUGS REMAIN

WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE.

UH-HUH. WHAT ELSE?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK ME?

ASK YOU WHAT?

HOW BENJAMIN'S DOING.

WHO BENJAMIN?

CHLOE, YOU GUYS OBVIOUSLY

LIKE EACH OTHER.

YOU HAVEN'T TALKED

SINCE HALLOWEEN.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL HIM?

AND BE THE FIRST ONE TO MAKE

THE SECOND MOVE? NO WAY.

CHLOE, YOU LIKE THIS GUY.

STOP PLAYING GAMES.

HE'S OUT OF TOWN, BUT I'M SURE

HE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR--

PRACTICE DRILL!

OH!

DAMN IT, JAMES!

STOP DISTRACTING ME WITH

YOUR WEIRD BENJAMIN OBSESSION!

I HAVE TO FOCUS!

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT WEEK

OF MY LIFE.

JOHN GOODMAN?!

IS JOHN GOODMAN

AT THE V.I.P. WALK-THROUGH?

OH! NO, THAT'S JUST HEATHER.

IT'S JUST HEATHER, EVERYONE!

NO AUTOGRAPHS.

DON'T RUN UP TO HER WITH A PEN.

THIS PERSON WAS NOT

ON "ROSEANNE."

(laughs)

(horn honks in distance)

BE RIGHT BACK!

GOTTA USE THE LADIES'!

(thud)

(sighs) FRICKIN' BATHING SUIT.

I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

(alarm ringing)

DAMN IT!

I'M IN.

I WANNA GO TO THAT SALE.

YAY! OKAY, JUST REMEMBER--

HAIR IN A BUN,

NO LOOSE CLOTHING.

WHY?

ACCESS POINT! ACCESS POINT!

ACCESS POINT!

OW! YOU DIDN'T KNOW

THOSE WERE CLIP-ONS!

ACCESS POINT!

OW!

ACCESS POINT! ACCESS POINT!

I GET IT!

(knock on door)

(door creaks)

SURPRISE.

(James) BENJAMIN!

(door closes)

YOU CAME TO SEE ME.

THAT MEANS YOU MADE

THE FIRST SECOND MOVE.

UH, NO. SORRY,

I'M NOT HERE TO SEE YOU.

I'M HERE TO SURPRISE JIMBO WITH

A GIFT I BOUGHT HIM IN ITALY.

YOU GOT ME A PRESENT?

BUT YOU THINKING I MADE

THE FIRST SECOND MOVE

IS ACTUALLY YOU MAKING

THE FIRST SECOND MOVE.

UH, WHAT?

NO, I--

BENJAMIN, TEDDY.

TEDDY, BENJAMIN. (chuckles)

CHLOE AND I WENT TO--

HE'S JUNE'S BOYFRIEND!

HE WAS--HE WAS GONNA SAY,

"CHLOE AND I WENT...

TO JUNE'S BOYFRIEND."

HONK HONK! HONK HONK!

RELAX, HONEY.

(door slams)

(lowered voice) OKAY.

JUNE, I NEED YOU TO PRETEND

TO DATE TEDDY.

IF BENJAMIN KNOWS

TOO MUCH ABOUT ME,

HE'LL JUST USE IT AGAINST ME

AS AMMUNITION--

THE SAME WAY YOU TOLD ME

YOU USED TO WET THE BED,

AND NOW I REFER TO YOU

AS "PEE DRAGON."

YOU'RE ASKING ME TO PRETEND-DATE

YOUR MENTALLY UNSTABLE FRIEND

WHO IS CURRENTLY

OFF HIS MEDS.

COME ON! JUNE, IT'S TEDDY.

HE'S FINE.

I'M COMING FOR YOU, ELI.

BRING IT, TEDDY.

SEE? ELI LOVES HIM.

PLEASE, JUNE? PLEASE? PLEASE?

PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE?

WELL, SINCE YOU'RE BASICALLY

ADMITTING THAT I'M RIGHT

AND YOU LOVE BENJAMIN

AS MUCH AS I WANT YOU TO, I--

TEDDY!

YOU HAVE TO PRETEND TO DATE

PEE DRAGON.

CAN I WEAR A MASK?

NO.

I'M IN.

NO.

HEY.

WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?

UH, WE W-WE WERE JUST,

UH...

WE'RE BOOB-FEELING.

LET'S ALL GO ON A DOUBLE DATE.

(mouths words)

CHLOE,

YOUR FRIEND JUST SUGGESTED

A DOUBLE DATE...

(chuckles)

YOUR FRIEND

YOU'VE BEEN WHISPERING WITH

HERE IN THE KITCHEN.

YOU WANNA GO OUT WITH ME.

NO, I DON'T. I ACTUALLY

DON'T WANT YOU TO GO.

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA NOT GO

BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO.

WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO NOT GO

BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO.

JUNE, WHERE ARE WE GOING?

I--

NO, DON'T TELL THEM YET.

W--

DON'T TELL THEM YET. NO.

(horn honks)

(James) HOW ABOUT THIS?

THAT LITTLE MOVIE'S

TAKEN OVER THE WORLD, HUH?

YEP.

(sighs deeply)

I THINK I'M STILL PICKING

PINK FUR OUT OF MY TEETH.

SO... JIMMY JIMBO...

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?

I, UH, JUST GOT

A NEW BIDET INSTALLED.

UH-HUH. WHAT ELSE?

YEAH.

I HAD A CRAZY FIGHT WITH

MY MAIL LADY THE OTHER DAY.

UH-HUH. WHAT ELSE?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK ME?

ASK YOU WHAT?

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH CHLOE.

(exhales deeply)

I'M TIRED OF BEING

IN THE MIDDLE

OF YOUR GUYS' RELATIONSHIP.

(chuckles) W-WHAT?

W-WE'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP.

COME ON, STOP THE GAMES.

(pours liquid)

LISTEN, CHLOE'S NOT GOOD

AT MAKING THE FIRST MOVE,

ESPECIALLY IF IT'S

IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

BUT JUST CUT THE NONSENSE,

AND SHE WILL, TOO.

I PROMISE YOU.

YOU MEAN, JUST... (sighs)

BE REAL?

I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY,

BUT IT WORKS.

IT'S LIKE IN THE MOVIE,

WHEN I HAD TO LOOK PAST

ALL THE MONSTER STEREOTYPES

AND JUST SEE PLINKO

FOR PLINKO.

YOU'RE AN INTUITIVE ACTOR

AND AN INCREDIBLE FRIEND.

THANK YOU.

ANY TIME.

(clink)

(indistinct conversations)

OF COURSE HE'S LATE.

IT'S A POWER MOVE.

AND I'M SITTING HERE WITH

MY HAND UP MY DRESS LIKE A JERK.

WHY ARE WE HERE SO EARLY?

IT'S ONLY 5:00.

I'M NOT HUNGRY YET.

I STILL FEEL LUNCH.

BECAUSE WE HAVE TO GO TO BED

AT 8:30.

WE NEED TO BE AT THE WAREHOUSE

AT 6:00 A.M. SHARP.

WHERE'S TEDDY?

THIS IS OURS.

WE WERE SEATED FIRST,

BUT YOU GOT BREAD FIRST,

AND THAT'S NOT FAIR.

(dish clatters)

I LOVE YOU.

OH. OKAY. OKAY.

(chuckles)

THANK YOU.

(silverware clatters)

WELL PLAYED.

SHOWING UP LATE,

ESTABLISHING YOUR DOMINANCE.

NO MORE GAMES, CHLOE.

I CAME BY YOUR APARTMENT

BECAUSE I WANTED TO

SURPRISE YOU, NOT JAMES.

ACTUALLY... (chuckles) I BLEW

OFF BIG MEETING I HAD IN L.A.

BECAUSE I WANTED TO COME HERE

AND SEE YOU

BECAUSE I MISSED YOU.

(lowered voice)

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

(lowered voice) I-I THINK

HE'S JUST BEING HONEST WITH YOU.

(groans)

MAYBE YOU CAN--

YOU CAN DO THE SAME?

(whispers) OH.

I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR

WITH TEDDY.

(Benjamin, June, and Teddy)

WHAT?

JUNE, I'M REALLY SORRY

YOU HAD TO FIND OUT THIS WAY.

IF YOU NEED TO HAVE AN UGLY CRY,

THERE'S A COUCH IN THE BATHROOM.

UH, CHLOE, I WAS JUST

TOTALLY HONEST WITH YOU,

SO I DON'T GET--

WHAT DON'T YOU GET?

I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH TEDDY,

AND JUNE'S ABOUT TO UGLY CRY.

COME ON, JUNE,

GIVE THEM A LITTLE PREVIEW.

IT'S LIKE... (imitates sobbing)

I CAN'T DO IT

BECAUSE I'M TOO CUTE.

TEDDY, LET'S GO.

(horn honks in distance)

HEY! I'M TESTING OUT

MY SHOPPING HEELS FOR TOMORROW.

(door closes)

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

WHAT?

BENJAMIN WAS FINALLY

BEING HONEST WITH YOU,

AND YOU TELL HIM

THIS BIG, HUGE LIE?

WELL, THE SECOND HE SAID

"NO MORE GAMES,"

I GOT INSTANTLY BORED.

I REALIZED THAT'S

THE ONLY REASON I WAS INTO HIM,

SO I GOT OUT OF IT.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

I THINK HE FINALLY STARTED

BEING HONEST WITH YOU,

AND YOU GOT SCARED

AND YOU BAILED.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU RUN.

NO, I DON'T.

TEDDY, WILL YOU PLEASE TALK

SOME SENSE INTO HER?

UGH.

AS YOU CAN SEE,

I DON'T REALLY LIKE ELI.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, TEDFORD?

FLIP MY PANCAKES?

HOPE YOU HAVE

10-FOOT LONG ARMS!

STOP CALLING ME "TEDFORD."

STOP SECRETLY LOVING IT!

THESE ARE OUR FULL DINNERS,

BY THE WAY.

(sighs)

I HAD TO HAVE A VERY

UNCOMFORTABLE CHAT WITH BENJAMIN

AS THEY WERE BOXED UP.

I MEAN, IS SHE SERIOUS?

IS THIS A GAME?

YEAH, I-I DON'T KNOW.

(sighs) I DON'T KNOW.

HI. UM, CAN YOU JUST--CAN YOU

JUST WRAP UP THIS BREAD FOR US

REALLY QUICKLY? THANK YOU.

SURE.

AND ALSO I'M SORRY. CAN WE HAVE,

UM, A LITTLE EXTRA DRESSING

IN, LIKE, IN A LITTLE ONE

OF THESE? THANK YOU.

YEAH.

AND CAN WE--CAN WE HAVE

A BUNCH OF FORKS?

TOO MANY FORKS.

YEAH.

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

OKAY, WELL, WHATEVER.

WE HAVE TO BE UP TOMORROW

AT 6:00 A.M. SHARP.

YOU CAN'T AVOID YOUR FEELINGS,

JUST LIKE I CAN'T AVOID

THE SPRING ROLLS!

'CAUSE THEY'RE DELICIOUS

AND THEY GAVE ME SOY SAUCE

AND I'M SO HAPPY.

BAM!

(crunches)

(Chloe) AAH!

WAKE UP! WE'RE LATE!

I DID P.M. INSTEAD OF A.M.!

WAKE UP! I'M GONNA GO GET

A CAB.

IT'S A BAD DAY

TO BE FROM CONNECTICUT!

(door slams)

DO YOU THINK MAYBE IT'S POSSIBLE

YOU SET YOUR ALARM WRONG...

UGH!

BECAUSE YOU WERE THINKING

ABOUT BENJAMIN?

JUNE, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!

TEDDY, CLEAR THE ENTRANCE!

THIS WAY! GO TIME!

I'M JUST SAYING, MAYBE

LAST NIGHT HAD AN EFFECT ON YOU.

SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH TALKING

ABOUT A GUY I HAVEN'T EVEN

HAD SEX WITH!

WE HAVEN'T EVEN KISSED, EXCEPT

FOR A PART OF A HALLOWEEN TRICK.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN REAL KISSED,

AND YOU LIKE HIM THIS MUCH?

FURTHER PROOF OF LOVE!

IF WE WEREN'T LATE,

SO HELP ME GOD,

I WOULD TURN AROUND AND PUSH YOU

DOWN THIS FLIGHT OF STAIRS!

I OWE YOU ONE PUSH DOWN

ONE FLIGHT OF STAIRS!

(all screaming indistinctly)

(fabric rips)

THREE MINUTES TO RACK!

LET'S GO!

(screaming continues)

(weakly) HELP ME.

UHH!

(hangers rattle)

AAH! UHH! (laughs)

WHERE ARE THE CHANGING ROOMS?

YOU'RE WASTING PRECIOUS TIME!

WHAT THE...

OH, MY GOSH.

THESE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.

OW! AAH! AAH!

(shrieks)

I'M STILL WEARING IT!

(Teddy) AAH!

AH!

AAH! GO DOWN! GO DOWN!

(Muzak playing)

TEA?

UM, NO. NO. THANK YOU.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WILL HAVE SOME TEA.

OH!

THIS IS NICE. OOH!

THIS IS LOVELY.

MM.

(screaming continues)

UHH!

OH!

AH! I CAN'T GET ANYTHING TODAY!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

IT'S BENJAMIN!

YOU LIKE BENJAMIN! GET AWAY!

SHOULD I GET THIS?

IT'S $800, MARKED DOWN TO $45.

YES!

OKAY.

I'M LOST,

AND I SCRAPED MY KNEE.

OH, NO. ARE YOU OKAY?

DIVERSION TACTIC!

WHO SENT YOU?!

MY GRANDMOTHER!

WHAT DOES SHE WANT?!

THAT JACKET!

NEVER!

COME ON, FOCUS, CHLOE!

FOCUS!

AAH! I'M TRYING!

I'M TRYING!

HEATHER?

I'M GETTING

TWO PRECIOUS BABIES TODAY.

I FORGOT MY REFERENCE PHOTO.

GIVE ME YOURS!

AAH!

AAH!

♪♪♪

WHERE'S MY BOUTIQUE?

EXCUSE ME?

THE BEEK JEANS BOUTIQUE.

DID YOU MOVE IT

TO THE FRONT OF THE STORE?

OH, MR. VAN DER BEEK...

(sighs)

THEY WERE SELLING REALLY WELL,

BUT THEN WE JUST REORDERED

TOO MANY, AND...

THEY'VE BEEN REMAINDERED...

TO THE WAREHOUSE SALE.

NO.

(screaming continues)

(laughs)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

(screaming continues)

IT'S NICE THEY PROVIDED US

WITH THIS GREAT CHILL-OUT CORNER

JUST TO RELAX AND UNWIND AND--

NO, NO, NO! THIS ISN'T--

THIS ISN'T A PLACE TO RELAX!

THIS IS--FIGHT HERE, TOO!

COME ON, THESE ARE GREAT JEANS.

YOU WANT THESE.

LOOK, SHE'S GOT 'EM.

NOW SHE'S GOT 'EM!

AND...

OOH!

AAH!

FAITH? FAITH?

I'M LOOKING FOR A WOMAN

WHO'S JUST GIVEN BIRTH? FAITH?

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THESE!

DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?

WE'VE BEEN REMAINDERED.

UH...

MADAM, CAN I INTEREST YOU IN

A P--HER NOSE IS BLEEDING.

HER NOSE IS BLEEDING.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN CARE.

(cell phone rings)

OKAY, THIS IS BENJAMIN

CALLING ME AGAIN.

WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?

I DON'T CARE.

DON'T LET HER FOOL YOU!

SHE DOES CARE!

(June and woman grunt)

♪♪♪

OH, MY GOD.

♪♪♪

AAH!

AAH!

AAH! GIVE IT TO ME!

LET GO OF IT!

NO!

YOU'RE NOT EVEN A SIZE ZERO!

YOU CAN'T EVEN WEAR THIS!

I HAD A BABY THIS MORNING.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I CAN DO.

TEDDY!

FAITH? COME BACK TO THE HOSPITAL

AND BREASTFEED OUR BABY.

GO WAIT IN

THE RELAXATION CORNER, CRAIG!

IT'S NOT A RELAXATION CORNER!

THEY'RE BEEK JEANS, AND THEY'RE

BOTH DURABLE AND STYLISH.

INCOMING!

TEDDY, HELP ME!

AH! YES!

DAMN YES! YES!

OH, GOD. UHH!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

SHE WAS WEAK.

I COULD'VE...

BITTEN HER OR SCRATCHED HER

OR JUST PUSHED HER

AND KICKED HER.

I KNOW SHE HAS

TENDER AREAS NOW.

I NEVER LET A DRESS GO.

MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE

THERE'S SOMETHING YOU WANT MORE

THAN THAT DRESS,

LIKE BENJAMIN.

I KNOW THAT LOOK IN YOUR EYES.

I HAD THAT SAME LOOK IN

SEVENTH GRADE OVER AARON DeMAYO.

OUR SCHEDULES NEVER LINED UP.

(Teddy whistles)

(monotone voice)

♪ CAMP C.U.T.S. ♪

♪ LET YOUR GUARD DOWN ♪

I SAW HIM BRIEFLY ON THE STAIRS

ON THE WAY TO MATH AND SCIENCE.

♪ EMOTIONS ARE GOOD ♪

BUT I'D SPEND THE REST

OF THE DAY DISTRACTED,

THINKING ABOUT HIM...

♪ PEOPLE CAN CHANGE ♪

♪ DESPITE WHAT

ALL THE RESEARCH SAYS ♪

MAKING EASY MISTAKES LIKE

SPELLING "SEPARATE" WRONG...

♪ PEOPLE CAN CHANGE ♪

OR, YOU KNOW,

MISMARKING A HEM IN HOME EC.

♪ PEOPLE CAN CHANGE ♪

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

YOU LIKE SOMEBODY, CHLOE.

(sighs) CRAP.

HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I LIED TO YOU.

I'M NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR

WITH TEDDY,

AND JUNE'S NOT DATING HIM.

I MADE ALL THAT UP

SO I COULD HIDE HOW TEDDY AND I

REALLY KNOW EACH OTHER.

WE WENT TO PSYCHOPATH CAMP

TOGETHER.

WHAT?

WHICH, USUALLY,

I'LL PROUDLY TELL ANY STRANGER

I MEET ON THE STREET,

BUT I DIDN'T TELL YOU...

(paper bag rustles)

BECAUSE CLEARLY,

I CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME.

(scoffs)

I MEAN, CLEARLY I DO.

LOOK HOW I DID

AT THE WAREHOUSE SALE.

(scoffs) WHAT IS THAT?

A LEG WARMER

AND A DOPP KIT FROM JACK SPADE.

I FAILED.

AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT

BECAUSE, OBVIOUSLY,

I REALLY LIKE YOU.

(laughs) UH, YEAH.

YEAH, OBVIOUSLY.

WELL, WHEN YOU GOT ALL HONEST

WITH ME AT THE RESTAURANT,

I FREAKED OUT, AND IT BECAME

THIS WHOLE THING,

AND THEN JUNE ATE A LOT OF FOOD

IN A SWIMSUIT.

BUT THE THOUGHT

OF NOT SEEING YOU AGAIN...

JUST THESE PAST FEW MONTHS,

I SAW SO MANY THINGS

I WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT.

I SAW A BIKE MESSENGER

WITH TOURETTE'S,

TWO JUNKIES ARGUING ABOUT

WHICH SUBWAY TO TAKE UPTOWN.

JUNKIES ARGUING

OVER MUNDANE THINGS

IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

ABOUT NEW YORK.

I KNOW! MINE, TOO!

CHLOE, I DON'T CARE THAT

YOU WENT TO CRAZY CAMP AS A KID.

GOD, DO YOU CARE

THAT I WENT TO FAT CAMP?

YOU MEAN, LIKE, FOR A LOT

OF SUMMERS OR JUST ONE OR...

(Of Monsters and Men's

"Dirty Paws" playing)

YOU KISS LIKE A FAT KID.

YOU KISS LIKE

A CRAZY PERSON.

♪ AHH, AHH, AHH ♪

(both speak indistinctly)

NO! (giggles)

(door closes)

ARE THOSE ALL BEEK JEANS?

YEAH. I FIGURED OUT WHY PEOPLE

WEREN'T FIGHTING OVER MY JEANS.

IT'S NOT THE JEANS' FAULT.

IT'S MY FAULT.

SEE, I LET A GREAT PAIR OF JEANS

OUT IN THE WORLD

WITHOUT A GREAT SHIRT AND A BELT

TO SET THEM OFF.

SO I'M GONNA START

A WHOLE CLOTHING LINE

CALLED

LE BEEK CHIC C'EST BEEK.

I'M STILL WORKING ON THE NAME.

(Chloe) MM-HMM.

YAY! YOU'RE TOGETHER!

NO.

BENJAMIN IS GOING TO L.A.

FOR A FEW MONTHS TO DO A MOVIE.

TOPHER GRACE

PLAYS A SCHOOLTEACHER. BOO.

(chuckles) SO WE'RE GONNA

KEEP IT CASUAL.

(clicks teeth)

JUNE, WHAT DID YOU DO?

THOSE PANTS WERE $28

FOR LEATHER.

I AM SO HAPPY

WITH ALL MY PURCHASES.

AND TEDDY WAS AMAZING.

OH! HE'S ASLEEP.

HIS NEW MEDS MUST HAVE

KICKED IN.

BYE, CAMP FRIEND.

SEE YOU NEXT YEAR.

OH! WE COULDN'T GET

YOUR DRESS BACK.

FAITH IS SURPRISINGLY STRONG

FOR A WOMAN WHO HAS

MESH UNDERWEAR HOLDING

HER UTERUS TOGETHER.

BUT WE DID MANAGE TO GET YOU...

THIS.

(gasps)

CUT IT OFF

IN THE CHECKOUT LINE.

IT'S THE LEFT SLEEVE!

HER DRESS IS RUINED!

(giggles)

YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING!

(laughs)

WHOO!

(squeals) BACK CRACK!

(door slams)

DID YOU SEE "SHARK TANK"

ON FRIDAY?

OH, MY GOD SO INTENSE.

YOU CHECK OUT THE WAREHOUSE SALE

THIS WEEKEND, JUNE?

YEAH! ACTUALLY, I DID.

DID YOU, TOO?

FOUND SOME GREAT STUFF.

(chuckles)

OH, JUST...

(chuckles) RUFFLES.

MM.

CAN'T WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR.

(chuckles)

MM-HMM.

(sighs)