Original subtitles

(pants)

IT'S AN EMERGENCY!

WE HAVE TO EVACUATE!

WHAT?

HURRY! GET YOUR STUFF

AND MEET ME DOWNSTAIRS!

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

WE'RE UNDER ATTACK.

WE'RE UNDER ATTACK.

THIS IS WHAT

THE DISASTER KIT IS FOR.

HURRY!

OKAY! OKAY.

THE BRAS, MOM. DAD.

I SHOULD'VE BROUGHT A DRILL!

HURRY! GO! GO! GO!

WHERE IS OUR EMERGENCY

RENDEZVOUS POINT?!

WHAT IS THE MAYOR SAYING?!

KIDDING. WE'RE GOING

TO THE HAMPTONS.

WHAT?

WHOO!

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

I THOUGHT

WE WERE UNDER ATTACK.

I FLUSHED MY DIARY

DOWN THE TOILET.

I KNEW YOU WOULD'VE NEVER AGREED

TO COME UNLESS I TRICKED YOU.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN LEFT

THE APARTMENT IN DAYS.

YOU'VE JUST BEEN WAITING

BY THE PHONE

FOR SOME DUMB GUY YOU LIKE

TO CALL YOU BACK.

I AM WAITING TO HEAR BACK

ABOUT A JOB INTERVIEW

AT HARKIN FINANCIAL.

THE C.E.O. IS IN TOWN

FROM LONDON,

AND I'M WAITING TO HEAR

IF HE WANTS TO MEET WITH ME.

WELL, WHOEVER IT IS, I HOPE

YOU LET THEM TOUCH YOUR BOOB.

WHY ARE YOU WRAPPED

IN TINFOIL?

CHLOE, I CAN'T GO

TO THE HAMPTONS

WITH YOU THIS WEEKEND.

MY WHOLE PLAN WAS

TO STARE AT MY CELL PHONE

AND REREAD OLD REPORT CARDS

TO CALM MY NERVES.

JUNE, THAT IS THE BEAUTY

OF CELL PHONES.

YOU CAN TAKE THEM WITH YOU

AND STARE AT THEM ANYWHERE.

JAMES NEEDS US.

HE'S SO DEPRESSED

FROM HIS FLAMEOUT

ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS,"

NOT TO MENTION BEING THE BUTT

OF EVERY JIMMY KIMMEL JOKE.

SO WE ARE TAKING HIM

ON A WEEKEND BENDER.

I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM LIKE THIS.

HE STOPPED GOOGLING HIMSELF.

WELL, I GUESS I COULD GO.

I'LL HAVE MY CELL PHONE WITH ME

THE WHOLE TIME,

AND IF I NEED TO COME BACK,

IT'S ONLY A 2-HOUR DRIVE.

GIVE OR TAKE.

DEPENDING ON WHETHER OR NOT

BILLY JOEL'S ASS IS ON THE ROAD.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO

A REAL LIFE HAMPTONS LIGHTHOUSE,

IN RAINY WEATHER,

IN A FISHERMAN'S SWEATER,

ON A BIKE,

WITH A SANDWICH

AND MY THOUGHTS.

I ALMOST JUST HIT YOU.

I ALMOST JUST LOST CONTROL

AND HIT YOU.

OKAY, SO IT'S SETTLED.

WE'LL GET DRUNK ON THE DRIVE UP,

AND THEN WE'LL STAY AT OUR

CRAZY FRIEND KATARINA'S HOUSE

AND THEN WE'LL HIT

THE WILLOUGHBY PARTY.

THE WHAT?

THE WILLOUGHBY PARTY.

IT'S THE BEST PARTY

OF THE YEAR.

IT'S HOSTED BY THIS MYSTERIOUS

GUY NAMED WILLOUGHBY.

I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY MET HIM,

BUT HIS PARTIES ARE BEYOND.

(woman) ♪ NEVER,

NEVER, NEVER ♪

♪ AM SORRY FOR PARTYING ♪

♪ I WANT TO PARTY

BUT I WON'T SAY THAT ♪

♪ BABY, I'M NEVER,

I'M NEVER, I'M NEVER... ♪

WHOO!

THIS IS THE YEAR

I'M GONNA MEET WILLOUGHBY...

WELL, IT'S ALWAYS NICE

TO MEET THE HOST.

AND HAVE SEX WITH HIM.

OF COURSE.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, THIS YEAR,

I WAS THINKING, I REALLY WANT

TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL,

YOU KNOW,

SOMETHING THAT MATTERS.

JAMES IS ABOUT

TO COME DOWN.

DON'T TREAT HIM ANY DIFFERENTLY,

BUT DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT HIM.

COMPLIMENT HIS OUTFIT,

BUT NOT TOO MUCH, OR HE'LL KNOW.

(footsteps approach)

THEY HATE MY HAT.

THAT HAT WAS GIVEN TO YOU

BY MR. JASON MRAZ.

LET THEM HATE IT.

THEY LOSE.

(bottles rattle)

HE KNEW.

(man) ♪ I FEEL ALIVE

RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE SKY

RIGHT NOW ♪

WEEKEND BENDER! WHOO!

SO WHERE'D YOU GET THIS CAR?

MY COUSIN EDGAR HAS

A LIMO BUSINESS,

AND THIS IS ONE

OF HIS PARTY S.U.V.s.

I BORROWED IT

SO THAT CHLOE WOULD LET ME

COME TO THE HAMPTONS.

(cell phone ringing)

OH, MY GOSH! IT'S FROM A 2-1-2

NUMBER THAT I DON'T RECOGNIZE.

IT'S PROBABLY ABOUT

MY JOB INTERVIEW.

HELLO.

THIS IS JUNE COLBURN.

SCROTUM!

(laughs) FUNNY, RIGHT?

THAT'S AN IMPORTANT CALL.

SORRY. THAT WAS FROM

A VERY IMMATURE PASSERBY.

WHOO-HOO!

OH, HELLO, DEBBIE

FROM DR. CURTIS' OFFICE.

ANOTHER 64-CALORIE,

LOW CARB BEER.

(horn honks, tires screech)

THAT'S WHAT MY BLINKER'S FOR,

DUMB-ASS!

(clink)

WHOO! YAHOO!

WEEKEND BENDER!

(June) BYE, GOATS.

DID YOU GUYS SEE ME

MILK THAT GOAT?

JUNE, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE

A PARTY DRIVE.

WHEN YOU SAID YOU WANTED

TO MILK A GOAT,

I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO PEE.

IF I'M GONNA DO

THE HAMPTONS,

I AM GOING TO DO

THE HAMPTONS RIGHT.

I MADE A LIST OF EVERYTHING

I WANT TO SEE AND SAMPLE

WHILE WE'RE HERE.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE

A LIST ON A BENDER.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO

WHERE THE MOMENT TAKES YOU.

NOW IF "LITTLE HOUSE

ON THE PRAIRIE" IS DONE,

WE CAN GET ON WITH IT.

BENDER.

(woman) ♪ YEAH, YEAH,

I KNOW I'M PRETTY ♪

♪ YOU CAN TELL BY MY ♪

(June) GREAT PEACHES.

THAT FARMER SAYS

THAT THE BAREFOOT CONTESSA

SHOPS THERE

EVERY OTHER TUESDAY.

(door closes)

WHEN I TELL KATARINA

WHY WE'RE LATE,

YOU JUST WAIT, HO.

YOU JUST WAIT.

I NEED ANOTHER BEER.

(turn signal clicking)

(Joss Stone) ♪ I GUESS

I'M PICKY WITH LOVE ♪

(singing distorts)

(slo-mo voice)

THERE'S TOO MANY--MANY--

IS THIS MY HOUSE?

(scream echoes)

(turn signal stops clicking)

IT'S "DANCING WITH THE STARS"

POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER.

D.W.T.S.P.T.S.D.

WELL, JUNE, YOU RUINED

THE DRIVE UP HERE

WITH YOUR STUPID FRUIT

AND VEGETABLE PARADE,

BUT NOW THE BENDER

REALLY BEGINS.

WHAT WE NEED IS

A DOSE OF CRAZY KATARINA!

WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

HA! HA!

BITCH!

COME ON OUT, YOU BITCH!

(babies crying)

OH, GOD.

OH, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

TAKE ONE.

THIS ONE'S ASS EXPLODED.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

AAH! AAH!

AAH!

(door slams)

(static hisses)

(baby cries)

THERE WILL BE

NO WILLOUGHBY PARTY

FOR ME THIS YEAR, YOU GUYS.

I'M STILL DEALING

WITH MY TWO...

(baby cries)

SOUVENIRS...

(gasps) SHH!

FROM LAST YEAR'S NAKED PARTY.

WELL, IF I HAD KNOWN,

I WOULDN'T HAVE STAYED HERE.

WHEN YOU SAID YOU HAD NEW TWINS,

I THOUGHT YOU MEANT A BOOB JOB.

I NEED ADULT INTERACTION.

I HAVEN'T SHOWERED IN FOUR DAYS.

I'M A MILK MONSTER.

LOOK AT MY ROOTS!

(cell phone rings)

NO! THE BABIES!

OH. OOH.

IT'S A PRIVATE CALLER.

OH.

THIS MIGHT BE IT. HELLO?

SCROTUM!

OH. HI, AUNT NANCY.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULD STOP

CALLING FROM A BLOCKED NUMBER.

DO WE GO IN

OR DO WE JUST WAIT OUT HERE?

WHAT'S THE ETIQUETTE?

I LOVE ROCKING CHAIRS.

I HAVE TWO IN MY APARTMENT--

ONE IN THE LIVING ROOM

AND ONE IN THE BATHROOM.

YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT WOULD

GET MUCH USE IN THERE,

BUT IT DOES.

MM. (chuckles)

IT SMELLS LIKE POO

IN THIS HOUSE.

WELL, WHY DON'T

WE JUST YELL "CUT"

AND HAVE THEM

TAKE THE BABIES AWAY? CUT.

KATARINA, WOULD YOU MIND

IF I BORROWED YOUR BICYCLE?

I'D LOVE TO GO BIRD-WATCHING.

HELP YOURSELF...

TO THE BIKE AND ANYTHING ELSE

I USED TO ENJOY.

YEAH! BENDER!

(baby crying)

NO!

(object thuds)

(whispers) NO.

OKAY. SO YOU'RE GOING TO NEED

THIS MAP,

BINOCULARS, A WHISTLE,

SUNSCREEN,

A MOSQUITO NETTING--

I DON'T NEED MOSQUITO NETTING.

I'M JUST GOING BIRD-WATCHING.

AH. OKAY. UM...

(under breath) WEST NILE.

WHAT?

OH, NOTHING. JUST ASKING

IF YOU WANT TO DIE.

JUNE?

MARK! HEY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

JENNIFER WANTED A ROMANTIC

WEEKEND IN THE HAMPTONS

SO WE BORROWED

HER PARENTS' HOUSE.

WE'RE SLEEPING IN THEIR BED.

IT'S NOT WEIRD AT ALL.

OH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

AREN'T YOU WAITING

TO HEAR ABOUT THAT JOB?

OH, YEAH, WELL, I HAVE

MY PHONE WITH ME, SO...

(horn honks)

YOU KNOW.

OH. I BETTER HURRY.

JENNIFER DOESN'T LIKE

WHEN I SHOP MOM AND POP.

SHE THINKS THE FOOD

GETS DUSTY.

SO SEE YA.

(horn honks)

OKAY.

(dog barks)

(whines)

GREAT CAPRIS.

EXCUSE... ME?

LOOK AT ME--A BOW TIE.

I'M FULL OF REGRET

AND SELF-LOATHING,

BUT YOU, YOU'RE SO BOLD.

YOU'RE AHEAD OF THE CURVE.

OR I'M JUST WEARING PAJAMAS

AND A SWEATER THAT I BORROWED.

PRESTO. INSTANT SUCCESS.

I'M WILLOUGHBY,

CURRENTLY OF EAST HAMPTON.

WAIT. YOU'RE

WILLOUGHBY THE PARTY GUY?

YOU'RE JUDGING ME,

AND IT STINGS,

SO KEEP DOING IT.

THIS IS A RIDDLE INVITATION

FOR MY PARTY TONIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK

OF THE FONT?

YOU WOULD'VE PICKED

A DIFFERENT ONE.

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

(crow caws)

(snoring)

I GUESS WE'RE ALL JUST ONE

SMALL HOLE IN THE CONDOM AWAY

FROM HAVING OUR LIVES

TOTALLY DESTROYED.

(sighs)

CHLOE, I GOT SOME PRETTY SERIOUS

SOUL SEARCHING TO DO.

I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE

TO TAKE THIS BENDER SOLO.

YOU GOTTA FOLLOW THE BENDER.

I UNDERSTAND.

IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE TRUDGING

DOWN A QUIET HAMPTONS ROAD...

ALONE.

(continues snoring)

WAKE UP, BITCH.

(birds chirping)

I JUST WORRY ABOUT YOUR ARCHES

IN THOSE SHOES.

(door opens and closes)

PERFECT.

SO I JUST MET WILLOUGHBY.

WHAT?

OH, MY GOD!

A WILLOUGHBY RIDDLE.

"ON THIS DAY OCCURRED

A LOVE MASSACRE,

"WHEN THE CLOCK STRUCK

A MANIC GAY ACTOR

WHO DOES NOT LIKE

TO WORK SUBTLE."

IT'S HIS NEW ADDRESS

OR SOMETHING.

(gasps) THE VALENTINE'S DAY

MASSACRE WAS FEBRUARY 14th.

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

I'M INSTANTLY PICTURING

A GRANDFATHER CLOCK. OH!

WHO IS THAT ACTOR WHO I THOUGHT

WAS CLAYMATION?

OH! OH! OH! NATHAN LANE!

OH.

THAT'S IT!

214 GRANDFATHER LANE.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE ADDRESS

OF THE PARTY. WE'RE SO GOING.

OH, I'M SORRY. I CAN'T.

I HAVE TO GET UP SUPER EARLY.

I'M GOING TO GET, UH,

SCONES AT MAUDE'S.

THEY RUN OUT OF THE BLUE--

MY LIST!

(spits) JUNE, YOU HAVE TO GO

WHERE THE BENDER TAKES YOU,

AND I AM TELLING YOU,

YOUR BENDER IS

TAKING YOU

TO WILLOUGHBY'S PARTY,

WHERE YOU WILL INTRODUCE ME

TO WILLOUGHBY,

AND I WILL MEET HIM

AND I WILL BANG HIM.

WELL, WHAT IF MY BENDER WAS

TAKING ME

TO DO A SUNSET TOUR

OF THE CRANBERRY BOGS?

UGH! YOU ARE

THE WORST BENDER-ER EVER.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL

HAVE JUST STAYED HOME

AND STARED AT YOUR PHONE

ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

(beep)

NO ONE'S CALLED

SINCE AUNT NANCY.

EXACTLY. SO RELAX.

COME ON.

THERE IS A FABULOUS PARTY

WITH OUR NAMES ON IT.

I'M SURE YOU COULD BORROW

SOMETHING TO WEAR OF KATARINA'S.

I KNOW.

SOMETHING WITH A CROTCH.

CHLOE ASKED ME

TO LOOK AFTER JAMES.

SHE DEPUTIZED ME...

WITH HER EYES,

NOT WITH HER WORDS.

(horn honks)

YEAH! PASS ME!

LOOK AT YOU GO!

YOU'RE AN ASIAN-AMERICAN

DRIVING POORLY,

AND I'M AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN

SITTING IN THE BACK OF THE BUS,

BOTH CHASING

A DISTANT WHITE MAN.

(high-pitched squeak)

THIS IS NOT WHY MY MOTHER

MARCHED ON WASHINGTON.

OH, SWEET FREEDOM,

WHERE IS JAMES?

(grunts)

COFFEE GUY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, I HEARD

A-A HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK.

I THOUGHT A LITTLE GIRL

WAS IN TROUBLE.

IT WAS MY GIRLFRIEND JENNIFER.

SHE BROKE UP WITH ME AGAIN,

THIS TIME FOR GOOD.

SHE THOUGHT I WAS GONNA

PROPOSE TO HER THIS WEEKEND,

SO SHE KEPT LOOKING

FOR AN ENGAGEMENT RING

IN EVERYTHING I HANDED HER.

SHE TORE APART A PINECONE

WITH HER BARE HANDS.

(Luther) JAMES!

JAMES!

I SEE YOU'RE ON A BENDER.

I, TOO, AM TRYING

TO DRINK MY PAIN AWAY.

I THOUGHT I WANTED TO DO

THE LONELY BENDER,

BUT THE QUIET

JUST MAKES IT WORSE.

(Luther) JAMES!

MY LONELY ROAD

HAS BROUGHT ME TO YOU.

I THINK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE

BENDER BUDDIES.

(clink)

(Luther, singsongy)

I HAVE COOKIES!

(blows nose)

EXCUSE ME. POLLEN.

(woman) ♪ OH ♪

GOD, PUT THAT PIE AWAY.

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

IT'S MY HOST GIFT.

EVERY TIME YOU TRY

TO SLAP IT OUT OF MY HANDS,

IT ONLY MAKES ME GRIP IT HARDER.

OKAY, WHERE'S WILLOUGHBY?

I WANT TO FIND HIM

AND SEX HIM

AND THEN HAVE A MARTINI.

OH, I JUST HAD

ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS

WHERE I REALIZE

WHAT A GREAT GIRL I AM.

WOW! THIS HOUSE IS AMAZING!

AND I LOVE THIS DRESS

OF KATARINA'S.

IT'S TIGHT, BUT I GET IT.

IT EVEN HAS A COOL PHONE POCKET.

OH, MY GOD!

KATARINA'S PILL POCKET!

A LOT OF GOOD TIMES

IN THAT POCKET.

A LOT OF MEMORIES.

OH, NO. OH, NO.

THERE'S NO BARS.

THERE'S NO SIGNAL.

KATARINA SHOULD'VE USED

THAT POCKET

FOR SOME BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.

HA HA HA HA! THAT'S HILARIOUS!

I'M GONNA TEXT HER THAT

RIGHT NOW.

(indistinct conversations

in distance)

BOO.

WILLOUGHBY.

'TIS I, JUNE.

'TIS WILLOUGHBY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP HERE?

I ACTUALLY HATE PARTIES.

I JUST LIKE

TO FIND A DARK CORNER

AND WATCH ALL THE PUPPETS DANCE

FROM AFAR.

IS THAT A PIE?

OH. YES!

THIS IS FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE

HAVE BEEN TO MY PARTIES

OVER THE YEARS?

5,342.

YOU WANNA KNOW

HOW I KNOW THAT?

IT'S THIS ANTIQUE CLICKER.

(click)

YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE

EVER BROUGHT ME A PIE?

ZERO.

GO DOWNSTAIRS

AND GET US TWO PASTRY FORKS.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING IMPORTANT

I NEED TO SAY.

(dance music playing)

EXCUSE ME. CAN I HAVE

YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

(raises voice) EXCUSE ME!

(normal voice) EXCUSE ME.

(plays notes)

ZING!

I... AM WILLOUGHBY!

(guests gasp)

BERNARD, WHAT THE HELL

ARE YOU DOING?!

YOU'RE NOT WILLOUGHBY!

CHLOE, WHAT ARE

YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THAT IS WILLOUGHBY.

NO, THAT'S BERNARD,

MY HUSBAND.

(guests murmur)

(door slams)

WHAT DO YOU MEAN

HE'S YOUR HUSBAND?

I MEAN HE'S MY HUSBAND.

WE GOT MARRIED

AT A WEDDING PARTY

WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO NEW YORK.

HA HA! THIS PARTY IS AWESOME!

PEOPLE ARE

GETTING MARRIED UPSTAIRS.

WE SHOULD

TOTALLY GET MARRIED.

OH, MY GOD! I THOUGHT

YOU WERE GAY! OKAY!

(cheering)

I MET HIM THAT NIGHT

AND I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM SINCE.

HONESTLY, I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD.

I SAW SOME NEWS REPORT

ABOUT A SKINNY GUY

WHO GOT HIT BY A GARBAGE TRUCK,

AND I FIGURED, WELP,

I'M A WIDOW NOW.

HELLO, WIFE.

(Chloe scoffs)

I STILL THINK

OF YOU DAILY.

BERNARD, WHAT THE HELL

ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE NOT WILLOUGHBY.

I THOUGHT WILLOUGHBY WAS

A COSMOPOLITAN MAN OF MYSTERY.

IT'S JUST YOU?

EXACTLY. JUST ME,

BERNARD KOPPELMAN,

A FORMER FAT TEENAGER

WHO STILL SWIMS

WITH HIS T-SHIRT ON.

THANK YOU, JUNE, FOR EXPLODING

THIS PRISON OF MY OWN CREATION.

I-I HAVE

A-A-A LOT OF QUESTIONS,

BUT RIGHT NOW, I WAS GONNA ASK

YOU, MAY I BORROW YOUR LAPTOP?

I NEED TO ACCESS MY VOICEMAIL

OVER THE INTERNET.

YEAH, I DON'T HAVE A COMPUTER.

THEY'RE DISGUSTING.

BUT I DO HAVE A VINTAGE

TYPEWRITER COLLECTION

IN CASE YOU WANT

TO COMPOSE A SONNET.

(cries)

(basketball thuds)

OKAY.

OH! YOU GOT THE SUNGLASSES.

THAT'S A FOUL.

MY BAD. I--

STEAL.

(bottles clatter)

"DANCING WITH THE STARS" IS

HAUNTING ME.

YOU SEE, I PRACTICED,

I WAS--I WAS--I WAS...

READY.

I DIDN'T GET

A CHANCE TO DO IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE?

YOU HAVE PERFORMANCE

SQUELCHINGS, BROTHER.

I MEAN, YOU'RE TRAPPED

IN A BAG WITH MEMORY CATS.

YOU GOTTA PUNCH YOUR WAY

OUT OF IT.

I HAD A...

I HAD A CHANCE TO DAZZLE,

YOU KNOW, AND...

IT GOT TAKEN AWAY FROM ME.

WHO CARES, MAN?

MAKE YOUR OWN OPPORTUNITY,

JAMES.

YOU WANT TO DANCE,

THEN DANCE.

WE JUST GOTTA FIND YOU

A FLOOR.

OW! DUDE!

CHLOE JUST TEXTED ME

WILLOUGHBY'S ADDRESS.

WILLOUGHBY HAS A FLOOR.

YEAH! YEAH!

WHOA!

SO CLOSE.

SO CLOSE.

(dance music playing)

I WENT UP ON THE ROOF WITH

WILLOUGHBY

AND GOT A SIGNAL.

NO MESSAGES.

ALSO, HE SAID THAT

YOUR MARRIAGE WASN'T LEGAL.

THE PRIEST WAS SOME CLUB KID

NAMED STINKLORD

WHO HAD A TATTOO

OF A CROSS ON HIS NECK.

(ice rattles)

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

WILLOUGHBY WAS ONE OF THE LAST

NEW EXPERIENCES I HAD LEFT,

AND IT TURNS OUT I MARRIED HIM

SIX YEARS AGO.

THERE ARE NO NEW MOUNTAINS

TO CLIMB, JUNE.

I'VE SEEN IT ALL.

(sighs deeply)

EXCEPT MAYBE THIS.

(Joss Stone's "Put Your Hands

on Me Baby" playing)

♪ I GUESS I'M PICKY WITH LOVE ♪

♪ WELL, BABY, I GIVE UP,

IT'S YOU I CHOOSE ♪

♪ AND DON'T KEEP ME WAITING ♪

♪ THIS GIRL'S GOT THINGS

SHE NEEDS TO DO ♪

♪ OH, IF I WAS BLIND ♪

♪ YOU'D HELP ME SEE ♪

♪ ME SEE ♪

WHOO-HOO!

♪ IF I LOST MY MIND... ♪

UHH!

YEAH! YOU DID IT, BRAH!

I DID IT, BRAH.

WHERE'S CHLOE?

DID SHE SEE MY DANCE?

YEAH.

SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

CHLOE?

(June) POOR THING.

WHERE DOES SHE GO FROM HERE?

I MEAN, WHEN THE PARTY GIRL

HAS BEEN TO EVERY PARTY,

WHAT'S NEXT FOR HER?

GOOD LORD, JUNE, YOU'RE,

LIKE, OBSESSED WITH HER.

WHERE IS SHE GOING?

SHE SHOULDN'T BE ALONE.

(James) LEAVE HER BE, JUNE.

NO! SHE NEEDS HER FRIENDS.

(brakes squeal)

CHLOE!

CHLOE!

IT'S OKAY!

IT'S OKAY!

HI. I'M HAVING SEX.

GIVE ME 15 MINUTES.

(man grunts)

(door slams)

(Chloe giggles)

HI!

CHLOE,

WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, EVERY YEAR

WHEN I'M IN THE HAMPTONS,

I HAVE SEX IN THE BUSHES

WITH LENNY KRAVITZ.

HE TEXTED ME EARLIER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY

YOU KEEP COMPLAINING

ABOUT YOUR CELL PHONE SERVICE,

'CAUSE MINE'S FINE.

SO YOU'RE OKAY

WITH ALL OF THIS?

WELL, WHEN I WAS HAVING SEX

WITH LENNY, I WAS THINKING,

I'VE HAD SEX WITH HIM

FOR FIVE YEARS IN A ROW,

AND IT'S STILL GREAT.

JUST BECAUSE I'VE DONE IT BEFORE

DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT AWESOME.

(laughs)

SHE'S A PARTY GIRL, JUNE.

WE LOST A LOT OF GOOD

PARTY GIRLS ALONG THE WAY.

WE'RE NOT GONNA LOSE

THIS ONE.

AAH! DON'T GET ALL

SENTIMENTAL ON ME, JAMES.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

YOU WANT TO SHOW ME YOU CARE,

BUY ME AN ISLAND.

(cell phone alert chimes)

WHAT'S THAT NOISE?

(chime)

OH, THAT IS

A VOICEMAIL NOISE.

THAT IS A VOICEMAIL NOISE.

(keypad beeps)

OH, NO!

IT'S HARKIN FINANCIAL.

THEY WANT ME TO COME IN

FOR A JOB INTERVIEW

FIRST THING

TOMORROW MORNING!

ROBIN, WILL YOU TAKE JUNE

BACK TO THE CITY?

DEPUTIZED!

WAIT. REALLY?

YOU'RE OKAY WITH ME LEAVING?

(car door opens and closes)

INTERRUPTING THE BENDER?

(engine starts)

YOU GOTTA GO WHERE

THE BENDER TAKES YOU, JUNE.

IF THIS IS WHERE YOUR BENDER IS

TAKING YOU, THEN SO BE IT.

THIS JOB INTERVIEW IS YOUR

LENNY KRAVITZ. NOW GO BANG IT.

(chuckles)

AAH! YOU PEOPLE HOLD

YOURSELF TOGETHER.

IT'S NOT LIKE

I'M DYING OF LEUKEMIA.

(slurred voice) ONE DAY,

I'M GONNA TELL JUNE

THAT SHE'S AMAZING

AND PRETTY

AND I WANT TO TOUCH HER HAIR

AND I WANT TO KISS HER

ON HER TONGUE DOORS.

YOU MEAN HER MOUTH?

OH, YEAH.

I COULDN'T THINK OF THE WORD.

MAKE YOUR OWN OPPORTUNITY.

YOU TELL JUNE HOW YOU FEEL.

I'M GONNA WRITE A MOVIE

THAT I DIRECT AND STAR IN.

LET'S DO IT!

YEAH! FUTURE IS NOW!

NOW!

(clink)

(James and Mark gulping)

MM.

(birds chirping)

(snoring)

(toy rattles)

OH!

(rabbit squeaks)

OHH.

WHAT THE HELL?

HOW DO YOU LOOK SO FRESH?

I'M A CELEBRITY.

OH, NO. DID I SAY ANYTHING

TO JUNE LAST NIGHT?

OH, YEAH. (laughs)

YOU SAID A LOT

OF THINGS TO JUNE LAST NIGHT.

I COULD EAT, LIKE, EIGHT

STRING CHEESES IN A ROW.

YOU EVER SEEN

THAT MOVIE "RAT RACE"?

IT'S LIKE THIS SIDE OF MY FACE

BUT THEN THIS SIDE OF MY FACE...

TOENAILS.

UGH.

I WROTE THE SCRIPT

LAST NIGHT.

WHAT?

"DANCING WITH THE STARS" IS

THE GREATEST THING

TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME

BECAUSE IT FORCED ME TO

MAKE MY OWN OPPORTUNITIES.

I'M GONNA MAKE THIS MOVIE.

IT'S CALLED "FINGERED."

IT'S A COP DRAMA. LUTHER

READ IT, SAID IT'S AMAZING.

(Luther) IT'S AMAZING.

NOW DON'T WASH IT

TILL THURSDAY

AND DON'T BLOW-DRY IT ON HIGH

EVER...

EVER AGAIN.

BLESS YOU. (giggles)

BEFORE WE LEAVE,

I WANT TO STEAL

ONE OF P. DIDDY'S

WHITE LAWN JOCKEYS.

I DO IT EVERY YEAR.

IT'S TONS OF FUN.

(door opens and closes)

GOOD AFTERNOON, ALL.

SAY HELLO TO HARKIN FINANCIAL'S

NEWEST JUNIOR ANALYST.

I GOT THE JOB!

WHOO! YEAH!

(Robin) YAY!

CONGRATULATIONS, JUNE!

AND I GOT THE CAR WASHED.

(under breath)

CONGRATULATIONS, ROBIN.

(normal voice) YAY!

YAY. (chuckles)

SO WHY DID YOU COME BACK?

I WANTED TO CELEBRATE

WITH MY FRIENDS,

AND I BROUGHT EVERYBODY SCONES

FROM MAUDE'S.

OOH! DELISH!

THAT'LL GO PERFECTLY

WITH MY KAHLUA AND CREAM.

OOH!

I MADE IT FROM

KATARINA'S BREAST MILK.

IT'S SUPER SMOOTH.

YOU JUST DRANK MILK MADE

FROM BOOBIES.