Original subtitles

(man) WELCOME BACK

TO THE SEASON PREMIERE OF...

NEXT CONTESTANTS--

VALENTINA DELGADO

AND JAMES VAN DER BEEK!

(June) SOONER OR LATER,

WE ALL HAVE TO FACE

OUR OWN MOMENT OF TRUTH.

AFTER ALL THE HARD WORK,

THE COUNTLESS HOURS OF SWEAT,

TEARS, AND PREPARATION,

JAMES WAS ABOUT TO FACE HIS.

IT MADE ME WONDER, WHEN I WAS

FACED WITH MY MOMENT OF TRUTH,

WHEN THE SPOTLIGHT WAS ON ME,

HOW WOULD I RESPOND?

I CAN'T COME IN TO WORK TODAY.

I'M IN THE HOSPITAL.

I BURNED MY FINGERTIPS OFF

SAVING A BUNCH OF CUBANS

FROM A BAKERY FIRE.

TURNS OUT--NOT WELL.

ALSO, I HAVE BLACK LUNG.

(imitates wheezing)

NOT WELL AT ALL.

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

(cheers and applause)

(amplified voice) ALL RIGHT,

EVERYBODY, THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR COMING

TO MY GOING AWAY PARTY.

LET ME MAKE A PROMISE

RIGHT HERE AND NOW.

VALENTINA AND I ARE GONNA WIN

"DANCING WITH THE STARS."

(both) WHOO!

(cheers and applause)

(microphone feedback whines)

(amplified voice) I WOULD

TAKE A BULLET FOR THIS MAN.

(clenched teeth)

LUTHER, TIGHTEN IT UP.

MY AGENT'S HERE.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, MOM?

(Connie) So exciting.

YEAH, JAMES AND LUTHER

ARE LEAVING FOR L.A. TOMORROW.

What's James doing now?

UH, RIGHT NOW

JAMES AND LUTHER ARE...

ARM WRESTLING OVER

A GLASS OF WHITE WINE.

(stammering)

(murmuring indistinctly)

OH, I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU

TO COME HERE!

ME, TOO. I'VE NEVER

BEEN TO NEW YORK.

It'll be so much fun watching

the premiere with you.

WAIT WAIT. IS THAT

MY FAVORITE M.I.L.T.T.T.?

"MOTHER I LIKE TO TALK TO"?

COME HERE.

CONNIE, MY DANCE GURU.

I WOULD NOT BE HERE

WITHOUT YOU.

I FEEL SO READY,

AND BY THE WAY,

YOU WERE SO RIGHT

ABOUT THE RAISINS.

THEY DID THE TRICK.

(chuckles) L.A.

I ACTUALLY KNOW A LOT

ABOUT THE BUSINESS.

I WAS A FAMOUS BABY ACTOR.

I WAS IN A MOVIE--

YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD OF IT--

CALLED, UM,

"THREE MEN AND A BABY."

CHLOE, THAT IS NOT TRUE.

YOU CAN'T JUST TELL PEOPLE

ANYTHING YOU WANT.

WHAT? I'M JUST HAVING

SOME FUN.

YEAH, SO THERE ARE

SEVERAL FRAMED PHOTOGRAPHS

OF ME CURLED UP

IN TED DANSON'S WIG.

IT'S ADORABLE.

WAIT. DANSON HAD

HIS REAL HAIR BACK THEN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK

ABOUT JIMMY FALLON?

I LOVE HOW FALLON LAUGHS

AT HIS OWN JOKES.

YOU'RE WATCHING

AND YOU'RE THINKING,

"HE'S LAUGHING,

SO IT MUST BE FUNNY."

RIGHT. (laughs)

YOU ARE SO LUCKY

THAT EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION

ON JIMMY FALLON.

OTHERWISE, YOU'D BE

TOTALLY BUSTED.

RELAX. THEY'RE JUST

SILLY LITTLE BAR LIES.

IT DOESN'T HURT ANYBODY,

AND WE GET ATTENTION

AND FREE DRINKS.

WHEN MY MOTHER COMES HERE,

I'M GONNA HAVE HER

TALK TO YOU ABOUT

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING HONEST.

WE ARE DESCENDANTS OF

"HONEST ABE" LINCOLN HIMSELF.

WE ARE KNOWN

AS THE "HONEST COLBURNS."

JOCELYN?

JOCELYN HOLMES, IS THAT YOU?

IT'S JAMES VAN DER BEEK!

I'M JUST IN TOWN VISITING

MY COUSIN, KATIE HOLMES.

(laughs) I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU

SINCE OUR THREE-WAY.

KATIE HOLMES' COUSIN?

LET ME BUY YOU A DRINK.

JAMES IS DOING

MY FAVORITE BAR LIE

AS A GOING-AWAY PRESENT.

I'M GONNA MISS HIM SO MUCH.

SO, YEAH, KATIE HOLMES AND I

ARE ONLY COUSINS,

BUT WE'RE AS FLIRTY

AS SISTERS.

THAT'S WEIRD.

(June) AND THEN I'M GONNA TAKE

MY MOM TO TIMES SQUARE,

AND THEN I'M GONNA HAVE

AN OLIVE OIL TASTING.

(squeals)

(laughs)

I LOVE OLIVE OIL!

I HATE MAYONNAISE.

I HATE IT.

(cell phone rings and beeps)

JUNE, I'M AT THE JAR BAR.

YOU HAVE TO GET DOWN HERE.

I TOLD MY BAR LIE

ABOUT HOW I INVENTED

THAT SUPERIMPOSED YELLOW LINE

FOR FOOTBALL GAMES ON TV,

AND I'M GETTING

A THOUSAND FREE DRINKS.

THANKS TO YOU, MY GIRLFRIEND

LOVES AND UNDERSTANDS FOOTBALL.

GO, SPORTS TEAM.

AS A HONEST COLBURN,

IT IS MY OBLIGATION

TO COME BAIL YOU OUT.

IN RETURN, YOU ARE GOING TO GET

MY SARAH McLACHLAN CD

FROM THE CRACK BETWEEN

THE COUNTER AND THE OVEN.

(door opens, bells jingle)

IT IS MY COOKING MUSIC.

Get your ass down here--

(beep)

WAS THAT

JAMES VAN DER BEEK?

NO, PEPPER. NOT EVERYONE

THAT CALLS ME

IS JAMES VAN DER BEEK.

I MEAN, DO I ASK YOU

IF EVERY MALE CUSTOMER

IS YOUR OLD SWIM COACH THAT

TRIED TO GRAB YOUR BOOB?

(horn blares in distance)

SO I WAS DATING

THE GUY FROM FOX SPORTS,

AND I WAS LIKE,

"YOU SHOULD REALLY SEE

WHERE THE BALL'S

SUPPOSED TO BE," YOU KNOW?

ESPN WAS THE FIRST NETWORK

TO USE THAT TECHNOLOGY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK

OF JIMMY FALLON?

(scoffs) LOVE HIM!

I HEARD HE MARRIED

DREW BARRYMORE'S

BUSINESS PARTNER.

MM. (giggles)

OH, FALLON. GOD.

ONE DAY YOU ARE GONNA FALL

SO DEEP DOWN YOUR LIE HOLE,

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE

TO GET OUT.

UNLESS I FALL DOWN

YOUR PIE HOLE FIRST,

BECAUSE YOU KEEP YAPPIN'.

(cell phone rings)

(beep)

HI, MOM!

OH, MY GOSH.

I WAS JUST GONNA CALL YOU.

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT OUR OLIVE OIL TASTING.

HONEY, I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE

TO VISIT YOU IN NEW YORK.

OH, NO. WHY?

YOUR FATHER'S

NOT FEELING WELL,

and, oh, I'm so sorry.

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

I-I UNDERSTAND.

I GOTTA GET BACK

TO YOUR FATHER.

HE'S ON COLD MEDICINE,

AND I'M AFRAID

HE'S GONNA USE THE STOVE.

DONALD!

AND THIS LITTLE GUY PLAYED

THE DOG IN "ANNIE" ON BROADWAY

FOR EIGHT YEARS.

CHLOE, WHERE DID YOU

GET THAT?

I FOUND HIM OUTSIDE

WHEN YOU WERE ON THE PHONE.

HILARIOUS, RIGHT?

(whimpers)

(Luther, singsongy)

LOS ANGELES.

LOOK AT US.

WE'RE LIKE LUCY AND DESI.

WHOO! ALL RIGHT. OH!

OKAY, SO WE'RE SUPPOSED

TO GET A TOUR OF THE STAGE

AND THE GREEN ROOM.

FINAL DRESS IS TOMORROW

AT 4:00.

LIVE SHOW, THE DAY AFTER.

WAIT A MINUTE. LUTHER,

I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING.

DID WE LEAVE A CHECK

FOR YOLANDA?

WELL, NO, YOU'RE NOT

GONNA BE AT YOUR PLACE.

WHY WOULD THE MAID COME?

WHY DO YOU HATE YOLANDA?

(scoffs)

I DO NOT HATE YOLANDA.

IT'S JUST...

IF YOU'RE EL SALVADORIAN,

DON'T PRETEND

TO BE GUATEMALAN, YOU KNOW?

(cell phone beeps)

(cell phone rings)

(door bells jingle,

cell phone beeps)

HI, JAMES...

VAN DER BEEK.

LISTEN, CAN YOU DO ME

A HUGE FAVOR?

I THINK I FORGOT TO LEAVE

A CHECK FOR MY MAID.

CAN YOU GO TO MY PLACE

AND WRITE ONE FOR HER?

OH, OF COURSE.

NO PROBLEM.

OHH. THANK YOU.

THE DOORMAN'S NAME IS...

MARTIN. HE HAS A KEY.

ALARM CODE IS 74,

THE NUMBER OF TIMES

JAMES HAS CRIED ON FILM.

CHECKBOOK AND SIGNATURE STAMP

ARE IN THE TOP DESK DRAWER.

MAKE THE CHECK OUT

TO YOLANDA MARTINEZ.

OH, AND IN THE MEMO SECTION,

WRITE "FOR BOOB JOB."

IT'S A PRIVATE JOKE.

SHE'LL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

I AM ON IT, JAMES.

DON'T YOU WORRY.

MY MOTHER RAISED ME

TO BE AN HONEST COLBURN.

I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN.

THANK YOU, JUNE.

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T

TRUST CHLOE TO DO IT, SO...

(honks horn)

WELL, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I MEAN, SHE TELLS BAR LIES

TO GET FREE DRINKS,

BUT DEEP DOWN,

SHE IS A GOOD PERSON.

IS THAT JOHN GOODMAN?

GO. GO, GO, GO, GO,

GO, GO, GO.

(whirring)

(beep)

HE HAD TO GO.

HE SAW JOHN GOODMAN.

(gasps) "NORM!"

(door bells jingle)

AS YOU CAN SEE,

GREAT LIGHT, CITY VIEWS.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE

THE MASTER BATH.

CHLOE,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, HI.

I'M BEING A REALTOR.

I'M RENTING OUT JAMES' PLACE

WHILE HE'S GONE.

ANY QUESTIONS,

DON'T HESITATE TO CALL.

I'M ALL ABOUT PUTTING SOMEONE

IN JAMES' HOME.

(door slams)

YOU'RE PRETENDING

TO BE A REALTOR?

CHLOE, THIS IS WAY WORSE

THAN HARMLESS BAR LIES.

YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

YES, I CAN. I ALWAYS

RENT JAMES' APARTMENT

WHEN HE GOES ON LOCATION

FOR CHUNKS OF TIME.

I MAKE EXTRA INCOME,

SOME LUCKY FAMILY HAS

AN AWESOME PLACE TO STAY,

AND NO ONE'S THE WISER.

YOU HAVE FALLEN DOWN

YOUR LIE HOLE.

YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE

OF JAMES.

I HAVE TO TELL HIM.

OH, DON'T TELL HIM. HI.

SEE THAT VIEW?

ICONIC MANHATTAN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE.

JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

YOU CAN'T BE DISHONEST

WITH YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

OMISSION IS NOT

THE SAME AS LYING.

NOW JAMES NEEDS TO FOCUS

ON ONE THING,

AND THAT'S DANCING.

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S

A LITTLE SELFISH AND UNFAIR

TO SPRING THIS ON HIM NOW?

I GUESS

THIS ISN'T THE BEST TIME.

NOT IF YOU WANT HIM TO WIN.

SO YOU WON'T TELL HIM?

(sighs) MAYBE IT IS BETTER

THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW RIGHT NOW.

(man over P.A.)

FINAL DRESS REHEARSAL.

DEAN CAIN AND KARINA SMIRNOFF.

(tango music playing)

OKAY, LOOK, THIS IS JUST

REHEARSAL, PAPI, OKAY?

LET'S SEE IF THEY

CAN DO THIS TOMORROW

WHEN THIS PLACE IS PACKED

WITH SCREAMING FANS

AND BROADCAST TO MILLIONS

OF PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD.

I LET DEAN BORROW

SOME OF YOUR BRONZER.

YOU WHAT?!

RELAX. FOCUS.

AH-AH. AH-AH.

FOCUS.

(song ends)

(amplified voice) GREAT. OKAY.

DEAN AND KARINA WILL EXIT...

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

JAMES AND VALENTINA ARE NEXT.

(woman) 5, 6, 7, 8...

(Joss Stone's

"Put Your Hands On Me" playing)

(man) ♪ ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ♪

(Joss Stone) ♪ I GUESS

I'M PICKY WITH LOVE ♪

♪ WELL, BABY, I GIVE UP,

IT'S YOU I CHOOSE ♪

♪ AND DON'T KEEP ME WAITING ♪

♪ THIS GIRL'S GOT THINGS

SHE NEEDS TO DO ♪

♪ OH, IF I WAS BLIND,

YOU'D HELP ME SEE ♪

♪ IF I LOST MY MIND... ♪

WELL, WE CAN ALWAYS GO

FOR SECOND PLACE.

SECOND IS JUST

THE FIRST LOSER.

♪ BECAUSE ALL I NEED ♪

♪ IS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME, BABY ♪

♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪

(horn honks)

(sighs)

TELL ROSIE

THAT FILTHY SCRUBBA,

HER FISH 'N' CHIPS

WERE THE BEST. I MURDERED...

JAMES, CAN'T THINK OF YOU

RIGHT NOW.

DAWSON IS THE MOON!

(remote control clicks)

WE LET LIARS DIE

ON THE TABLE IN MY I.C.U.

(click)

IF THERE'S ONE THING

GRAMS TAUGHT ME,

IT'S NEVER TO TELL A LIE.

SO, YEAH, I MIGHT HAVE

CHEATED ON THAT TEST.

BUT I'D NEVER NOT TELL

A GOOD FRIEND WHO TRUSTED ME

THAT STRANGERS WERE STAYING

IN MY KICK-ASS SoHo LOFT.

AAH! NO!

ACCIDENTALLY FLIPPED

TO A C-SECTION ON TLC?

I DO THAT ALL THE TIME.

IT'S JAMES.

HE'S ON EVERY CHANNEL.

I THINK IT'S JUST MY GUILT.

MAYBE HE'S JUST ON YOUR MIND.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU WANNA MAKE

LOVE TO A BOWLING PIN, RIGHT?

AND THEN SUDDENLY, EVERYBODY

LOOKS LIKE A BOWLING PIN.

(cell phone alert chimes)

TEXT FROM CHLOE.

OH. "I THOUGHT ABOUT

WHAT YOU SAID.

COME OVER TO JAMES' PLACE.

I THINK YOU'LL BE HAPPY."

I BET SHE DECIDED NOT

TO RENT OUT HIS PLACE!

IF YOU'RE LOOKING

FOR A GOOD C-SECTION SHOW,

"SLICE OF LIFE"

IS THE BEST ONE!

(door opens and closes)

(horn honks in distance)

CHLOE!

I KNOW WHY I'M HERE.

YOU WANNA TELL ME

THAT YOU DECIDED

NOT TO RENT OUT JAMES' PLACE

BECAUSE YOU REALIZED

THAT LIES EAT YOUR HEART!

OR SURPRISE

OLIVE OIL TASTING!

LOOK, I KNOW YOU WERE

DISAPPOINTED

THAT YOU COULDN'T DO THIS

WITH YOUR MOM,

SO I THREW YOU ONE HERE!

THIS IS WAY NICER

THAN OUR PLACE,

AND I EVEN INVITED

YOUR SISTER.

PEPPER IS NOT MY SISTER.

SHE IS MY CO-WORKER.

(mouth full) MMM. JUNE,

GET THIS IN YOUR MOUTH NOW!

(gags)

MMM! DAMN! YOU TASTE

THAT DAMN ROSEMARY?

NO.

MMM!

ALL I TASTE ARE THE LIES!

OOH! SOSERIOUS.

JUNE, I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU

FOR NOT TELLING JAMES

ABOUT THIS NICE FAMILY

FROM MINNESOTA

SUBLETTING HIS PLACE.

I'M SORRY, BUT IS IT NORMAL

FOR THE REALTOR

TO JUST COME IN WITH FRIENDS?

I AM THIS CLOSE TO CHARGING YOU

FOR UTILITIES, BOB.

CHLOE! THIS IS NOT HOW

HONEST COLBURNS BEHAVE.

JUNE, RELAX. IF YOU DIDN'T WANNA

BE A PART OF THE SECRET,

THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T

HAVE HAD

YOUR OLIVE OIL TASTING PARTY

HERE.

YOU'RE RUINING THIS

FOR YOUR SISTER.

YOU REALLY ARE, JUNE.

♪♪♪

I NEED GUIDANCE,

PASTOR JIN.

I DON'T WANNA BURDEN JAMES

WITH THIS RIGHT NOW,

BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M FALLING

DOWN HER LIE HOLE WITH HER.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE.

AN OMISSION IS THE SAME

AS A LIE.

(bell dings)

OH.

ARE YOU... LIVING

IN... YOUR OFFICE?

I AM. MR. PASTOR JIN AND I

HAVE HAD A PARTING OF THE WAYS.

I AM SO SORRY.

I AM, TOO. THE MARRIAGE

ENDED BECAUSE OF ME,

BECAUSE OF OMISSION.

EVERY TIME MY HUSBAND

ASKED ME WHERE I'D BEEN,

AND I SIMPLY SAID "OUT"

INSTEAD OF

"OUT WITH RICK WILKINS,

THE MAN THAT MAKE ME

FEEL ALIVE AGAIN,"

I WAS LYING.

I SEE THAT NOW.

TELL THE TRUTH

TO THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE,

OR YOU WILL LOSE THEM.

SO... SHOULD I TELL JAMES

THE TRUTH NOW,

OR SHOULD I WAIT?

'CAUSE IT'S KIND OF LIKE

WHEN YOU BORROW SOMEONE'S CAR

AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY

SPILL COFFEE DOWN THE GEARSHIFT

AND YOU DON'T REALLY WANNA

TELL THEM BECAUSE THEY

JUST HAD SURGERY--

OKAY, I DON'T HAVE TIME

FOR METAPHORS, JUNE.

I CHEATED ON MY HUSBAND,

OKAY? AHH!

(sighs)

OKAY, TELL THE TRUTH.

BETTER TO START SMALL.

(chimes)

June.

MOM, I HAVE A CONFESSION

TO MAKE.

I HAD THE OLIVE OIL TASTING

WITHOUT YOU.

IT WAS SPRUNG ON ME.

I'M SO SORRY.

Okay.

WOW. THAT WASN'T SO BAD.

THE NEXT CALL I HAVE TO MAKE

IS MUCH HARDER.

SEE, I HAD

THE OLIVE OIL TASTING

AT JAMES VAN DER BEEK'S PLACE.

CHLOE IS SUBLETTING IT OUT

TO STRANGERS

WHILE JAMES IS

IN LOS ANGELES, AND--

June, what--what the hell?

My place is being sublet?

JAMES? WH-WHAT ARE YOU

DOING IN INDIANA?

Indiana? I'm not in Indiana.

YOUR MOM'S IN LOS ANGELES.

WHAT?!

(door slams)

I'M SO SORRY, HONEY.

JAMES ASKED ME TO COME

BE IN THE LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE,

AND YOU KNOW HOW HARD

WE WORKED ON THIS--

BUT YOU LIED TO ME!

PARENTS LIE TO THEIR CHILDREN

ALL THE TIME.

SO THAT STUFF ABOUT BEING

DESCENDANTS OF HONEST ABE?

YOU HAD TO WRITE A SCHOOL PAPER.

I WANTED TO MAKE IT

SOUND INTERESTING.

WHAT ELSE WAS A LIE?

RUFF RUFF WENT TO GO LIVE

ON A FARM.

GRANDMA WOULD HAVE WANTED ME

TO HAVE HER RINGS

IF SHE WERE LUCID.

MOMMY AND DADDY WERE

IN THE SAME SLEEPING BAG

BECAUSE IT WAS COLD.

MOMMY'S HEAD WAS BY DADDY'S FEET

BECAUSE HE HAD A SPLINTER.

EW.

MRS. COLBURN, I'M SO RELIEVED

TO HEAR YOU'RE A NORMAL PERSON

INSTEAD OF SOME WEIRD

HONESTY FREAK.

James, I know

YOU'RE PROBABLY MAD

THAT I SUBLET YOUR PLACE.

"PROBABLY"?

BUT I WAS GOING TO USE

THE MONEY

TO FLY OUT THERE

AND SEE YOU PERFORM.

AND? WHAT HAPPENED

WITH THAT?

WHAT DID HAPPEN WITH THAT?

TAKE THAT ANGER AND CHANNEL IT

TOWARDS YOUR DANCE.

COME ON. LET'S GET YOU

INTO YOUR COSTUME.

JUNE, HONEY, I AM SO SORRY.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO HELP JAMES

WITH THIS BOMB YOU DROPPED.

ALL THE LIES ALL THIS TIME?

I'll call you later,

and we will talk this all out.

WAIT. WHATEVER HAPPENED

TO RUFF RUFF?

We left

the garage door open,

and your father

backed over him.

(gasps)

He's buried under the arbor.

We'll talk it all out later!

(singsongy) Bye!

(June) MOM WAS LYING

TO ME,

MY DAD RAN OVER

MY DOG--

SO MUCH FOR

THE HONEST COLBURNS.

(salsa music playing)

GOD, I MEAN,

I'M NERVOUS ENOUGH AS IT IS,

AND NOW CHLOE HAS STRANGERS

STAYING IN MY PLACE.

I NEED TO GET HOME.

(stammers) THOSE ARE JUST

THINGS, JAMES.

RIGHT NOW YOU ARE HERE

WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU

AND MILLIONS OF AMERICANS

WHO ARE ROOTING FOR YOU

TO KILL THE CHA-CHA TONIGHT.

THAT IS WHAT MATTERS, JAMES.

THINGS DON'T MATTER.

PEOPLE MATTER.

NO, THINGS MATTER. I-I--

WHY DID I TAKE MY PEOPLE

AND LEAVE MY THINGS?

I SHOULD'VE TAKEN MY THINGS!

I NEED TO BE WITH MY THINGS!

OKAY, WHAT YOU NEED TO DO

IS CALM DOWN!

I CAN'T CALM DOWN!

ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT

ARE LOOSE MIDWESTERN HAIRS...

(whispers) IN MY SHOWER.

JAMES!

SIT DOWN. I MADE YOU

A NICE CUP OF TEA.

AND JUST GET YOUR HEAD RIGHT.

(slurps)

MOMS ALWAYS KNOW

WHAT TO DO.

IT'S SOMETHING I PICKED UP

IN CHINATOWN.

WARM TEA IS LIKE A HUG

FOR YOUR INSIDES.

(dish clatters)

HOW ABOUT A HUG

FOR MY OUTSIDES?

(laughs)

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

ARMS GO UNDER HIS LIKE THAT.

THERE YOU GO, BABY.

(siren wailing in distance)

(June) I HAD IT

WITH HONESTY.

I'M GONNA START LYING

LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

I APPRECIATE THE FACT

THAT YOU NEED A DONATION,

AND I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE

TO SAVE THE CHILDREN,

BUT I HAVE

SEVEN CHILDREN OF MY OWN,

AND I'M MORBIDLY OBESE

AND UNABLE TO WORK.

TYLER! STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER

AND GO GET ME A SNACK PIE!

HI, NANCY. I CAN'T COME

TO OUR SIXTH GRADE REUNION

BECAUSE I'M LIVING IN FRANCE.

I BROKE UP

JOHNNY DEPP'S RELATIONSHIP.

IT'S OKAY. I JUST CAN'T BE

IN THE CHOCOLATERIE

AT THE SAME TIME AS HIS EX,

VANESSA, BUT IT'S COOL.

TYLER! THAT PIE!

AS AN NYC WHISKEY INSPECTOR,

I WILL NEED TO TRY ALL

OF YOUR WHISKEYS FREE OF CHARGE.

IF YOU COULD JUST START

FROM YOUR FINEST

AND WORK YOUR WAY BACK,

THAT'D BE GREAT. THANK YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M LYING, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

I TOLD THAT BOOTH

OVER THERE

THAT I WAS THE CHEF HERE,

AND THEN I CAN'T REMEMBER

WHO IT WAS

BUT I TOLD SOMEONE IN HERE

THAT I'M A SURGEON.

AND THEN THOSE HOT GUYS

OVER THERE,

I TOLD THEM

THAT I WAS A JOURNALIST

DOING A STORY ON SEXY.

THAT'LL PAY OFF LATER.

THIS BAR IS A TEAT,

AND I'M MILKING IT.

OKAY,

HERE'S OUR FIRST WHISKEY.

IT'S A SINGLE BARREL

FROM SCOTLAND.

LET'S SEE. OKAY.

THERE'S DEFINITELY

A HINT OF SMOKE.

IT'S ICED TEA.

YOU'RE A TERRIBLE LIAR.

THAT'LL BE $16.

FOR ICED TEA?!

I AM NOT

A TERRIBLE LIAR.

I INHERITED IT FROM MY MOTHER,

AND SHE'S ACTUALLY

REALLY GOOD AT IT.

STOP. WHAT YOUR MOTHER

WAS DOING

HAD NOTHING TO DO

WITH BAR LIES.

BAR LIES ARE SUPPOSED

TO BE FUN AND FLIRTY.

WHAT YOUR MOM WAS DOING

WAS A TOTAL BETRAYAL OF TRUST.

YOU KNOW WHAT,

YOU'RE JUST MAKING EXCUSES.

IT'S ALL ONE BIG

SWEATY BALL OF LIES.

NO, IT'S NOT.

IT'S DIFFERENT

WHEN YOU LIE TO STRANGERS

THAN WHEN YOU LIE

TO SOMEONE WHO TRUSTS YOU.

OH, YOU MEAN LIKE HOW

YOU LIE TO YOUR FRIEND JAMES

AND RENT OUT HIS APARTMENT

EVERY TIME HE GOES OUT OF TOWN?

WELL, HE DID ASK YOU

TO PAY YOLANDA.

BY NOT ASKING ME, HE'S SAYING

THAT I CAN'T BE TRUSTED

WHICH IS PRACTICALLY GIVING ME

PERMISSION TO RENT IT OUT.

HE BEGGED ME TO DO IT.

CRAP! I FORGOT

TO PAY YOLANDA.

SO WE BOTH SCREWED JAMES.

AHA! SO YOU DO ADMIT

THAT YOU SCREWED HIM.

YOU HAVE A CONSCIENCE, CHLOE.

DAMN IT! UGH!

(gags)

ICED TEA.

OH, YEAH, I GOT THAT.

UGH! I FEEL TERRIBLE, JUNE.

OKAY, SO TO RECAP--

YOU LIE TO NO ONE.

I LIE ONLY TO STRANGERS

IN BARS

BUT NOT TO FRIENDS.

NO, NO, NO. NO LIES.

EVER AGAIN.

(laughs)

THANKS, JUNE.

THANKS FOR MAKING ME LAUGH.

WELL, YOU SHOULD AT LEAST

PAY BACK JAMES

FOR ALL THE MONEY THAT YOU MADE

RENTING OUT HIS PLACE.

(laughs)

OH, THANKS FOR MAKING ME

LAUGH AGAIN.

OH, RIGHT, NO.

(man) WELCOME BACK TO...

EARLIER, SUPERMAN, DEAN CAIN,

FLEW PAST THE COMPETITION,

AND NOW WELCOME

JAMES VAN DER BEEK

AND VALENTINA DELGADO!

(Joss Stone) ♪ I GUESS

I'M PICKY WITH LOVE ♪

(audience gasps)

♪ WELL, BABY, I GIVE UP,

IT'S YOU I CHOOSE ♪

(under breath) JAMES!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

(knock on door)

OH, MY GOD, JAMES.

WHAT THE HELL?

(knock)

IS THIS MY HOUSE?

IS THIS PART OF THE SHOW?

NO, THAT'S NOT A PART

OF THE SHOW.

JAMES, JAMES,

GET IT TOGETHER.

THERE ARE 20 MILLION PEOPLE

WATCHING.

THERE'S TOO MANY.

STOP LOOKING AT ME!

(audience gasping)

STOP LOOKING AT ME!

THIS IS A DISASTER

OF BELVEDERIAN PROPORTIONS.

DO YOU THINK

IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO

WITH THAT CHINESE TEA

I GAVE HIM?

I DIDN'T HAVE MY READING GLASSES

WHEN I BOUGHT IT.

BITCH! YOU DOSED HIM!

OHH!

ARE MY HANDS MADE OUT

OF POUND CAKE?

(music stops)

I THINK MY HANDS

ARE MADE OUT OF POUND CAKE.

PEOPLE IN MY BEDROOM!

CUT! CUT!

STOP LOOKING AT ME!

LOOK, VAN DER BEEK'S

BREAKING DOWN.

PULL FRED SAVAGE

OUT OF MAKEUP NOW.

♪♪♪

(rewinding)

...PEOPLE. THERE'S TOO MANY.

STOP LOOKING AT ME!

STOP LOOKING AT ME!

WHY ARE THEY...

OH, MY GOD.

WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE

IN MY BEDROOM?!

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

(turns off TV)

(dials, beep)

(phone rings)

(groans)

JAMES, WHAT HAPPENED?

JUNE'S MOM GAVE ME TEA.

WITH MESSED-UP

RADISH PEOPLE ON THE BOX.

I DIDN'T HAVE

MY READING GLASSES!

HOW BAD WAS IT?

BE HONEST WITH ME.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ACTUALLY

NOT THAT BAD.

IT IS TERRIBLE!

YOUR WHOLE CAREER IS OVER!

(moaning and whimpering)

(whispering)

HONESTY. HONESTY.

(clenches teeth) YEAH.

I HAVE TO BE HONEST.

YEAH.

(door slams)

HELLO. HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED

THIS EPISODE OF "APARTMENT 23,"

BECAUSE I DIDN'T.

YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD

I HAD TO WORK

TO LEARN THAT DANCE ROUTINE?

AND THE PRODUCERS CUT IT DOWN

TO, WHAT, LIKE, 20 SECONDS?

UH-UH. NO WAY.

NOT ON MY WATCH.

YOU'RE WELCOME, AMERICA.

(woman speaks indistinctly)

(beep)

(woman) 5, 6, 5, 6, 7, 8.

(Joss Stone) ♪ I GUESS

I'M PICKY WITH LOVE ♪

♪ WELL, BABY, I GIVE UP,

IT'S YOU I CHOOSE ♪

♪ AND DON'T KEEP ME WAITING ♪

♪ THIS GIRL'S GOT THINGS

SHE NEEDS TO DO ♪

♪ OH, IF I WAS BLIND,

YOU'D HELP ME SEE ♪

♪ ME SEE ♪

♪ IF I LOST MY MIND,

YOU'D FIND IT FOR ME ♪

♪ SPEAK ON IT, BABE,

TELL ME WHAT DO YOU NEED? ♪

♪ NEED IS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME,

BABY ♪

♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH ♪

♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪

♪ YOU GOT ME FLIPPING ♪

♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH ♪

♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪

♪ MMM ♪

THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.