Original subtitles

HEY, KEVIN.

IT'S JUNE COLBURN

FROM APARTMENT 23.

WE'VE--WE'VE MET

SEVERAL TIMES.

YOU CAN JUST

HAND ME OUR MAIL.

OH, CAN I, JUNE COLBURN

FROM APARTMENT 23?

CAN I JUST HAND YOU

YOUR MAIL?

I DON'T KNOW YOU.

I SAY "HI" TO YOU

EVERY DAY.

(keys jangle)

I DONATED MONEY

TO YOUR WALK FOR DIABETES.

I MADE YOU BUTTER COOKIES

IN THE SHAPE OF STAMPS.

I'M DIABETIC.

SO THE WALK WAS A BUST?

(keys jangle)

(gasps)

MY "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE!

(June)

THIS IS THE LAST ISSUE

BEFORE "PEOPLE" NAMED

THEIR SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.

(elevator bell dings)

EVERY YEAR, MY MOM AND I

COUNT DOWN THE DAYS

UNTIL HE IS REVEALED.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE CHRISTMAS,

BUT WITH LESS JESUS

AND MORE SEXY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT,

BUT "PEOPLE" NEVER MISSES.

(Muzak playing)

JUNIE DEPP.

(Muzak playing)

JUNEZEL WASHINGTON.

♪♪♪

DAMN DAMN RIGHT,

HARRY HAMLIN.

JUNE! LANGUAGE!

MMM-MMM-MMM.

HOW DO THEY DO IT?

WHAT'S THEIR FORMULA?

I... DON'T... KNOW.

I HAVE EVERY

"SEXIEST MAN ALIVE" ISSUE

IN A BINDER NEXT TO MY BED.

JACKMAN, FORD, PITT,

CLOONEY, LAW, DAMON, BROSNAN...

WHERE'S MY SEXIEST BINDER ALIVE?

CHLOE?

JUNE! LOOK WHAT I MADE

WITH MY HANDS!

OH, GOD, MY "PEOPLES"!

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD

OF A VOLCANOLOGIST?

JARED'S A VOLCANOLOGIST.

THAT'S HIS ACTUAL JOB.

AND USUALLY THAT WOULD MAKE HIM

SUICIDALLY BORING,

BUT I'M SUPER INTO

VOLCANOES THIS WEEK.

AND YOU WANNA KNOW

THE CRAZIEST PART?

I'M NOT EVEN JUICED

RIGHT NOW!

BUT LOOK WHAT I MADE!

(squeals)

DAMN DAMN,

HAMLIN'S STILL GOT IT.

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

Channing Tatum? Really?

(laughs)

It's Sexiest Man Alive, June.

CAN I FINISH?

On the planet.

LET ME FINISH.

OKAY, HE HAS

THE HEAD OF A BOY

BUT THE BOD

OF A FULL-GROWN MAN.

HIS MOVIES HAVE GROSSED

OVER A BILLION DOLLARS.

A billion? So we're just

making up facts now?

OKAY, YOU WANNA TALK FACTS?

OKAY, FACT--

CHANNING IS A TRAINED DANCER.

FACT--HE CAN DO

BOTH DRAMA AND COMEDY.

FACT--HIS FACE

WAS MARINATED BY ANGELS.

Angels?! Now you're bringing

religion into this?

Is this hummus old?

SPECIAL DELIVERY

FOR JUNE COLBURN!

GET YOUR

MORNING SMOOTHIE HERE!

OOH! PEACH!

What about Ryan Gosling?

No one is more "Sexiest Man

Alive" cover material

than that guy.

I mean, besides your dad.

Why can't we just have

regular yellow mustard?

OKAY, NO MORE

"SEXIEST MAN ALIVE" TALK.

IT... IT'S LIKE A YEARLY SLAP

IN THE FACE FROM THAT MAGAZINE.

THEY WON'T EVEN

CONSIDER ME,

WHICH IS CRAZY,

'CAUSE I'M SEXY.

RIGHT, CONNIE?

Good-bye.

(internet call chimes)

WHY'D SHE END THE CALL

SO FAST?

SHE PROBABLY HAD

A... A THING... TO DO.

JUNE?

LOOK AT ME, JUNE.

I'M SEXY, RIGHT?

I MEAN, I HAVE TO BE.

I'M ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS."

(slurping)

SO WAS NANCY GRACE.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

YOU'RE NOT SEXY.

I MEAN,

CLEARLY YOU'RE HANDSOME.

YOU HAVE ALL OF THE PIECES.

THEY JUST DON'T

ALL ADD UP TO SEXY.

(scoffs)

SEXY.

SEXY.

SEXY.

MEH.

I'M NOT SEXY--

I AM NOT SEXY?

WHO'S SEXIER THAN I AM?

GOSLING, BECKHAM,

COSTNER, KANYE--

REFUSE. I REFUSE THIS.

(pounding on door)

GO ON.

COWELL, WAHLBERG,

DiCAPRIO, PRINCE HARRY--

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. FINE.

(door closes)

WHY THEM AND NOT ME?

(sighs) BECAUSE YOU'RE THE GUY

THAT WE WANT TO TAKE US TO PROM,

TO MAKE OUT WITH

BY THE CREEK,

NOT THE GUY THAT'S GONNA

RIP ALL OF OUR CLOTHES OFF

AND RAVISH US

IN THE NEAREST CAVE.

OH, BUT YOU THINK

COWELL WILL?

ACTUALLY, I COULD

KIND OF SEE THAT.

BESIDES, IT'S NOT JUST

THE PHYSICAL STUFF.

IT'S THE LITTLE DETAILS

THAT "PEOPLE" DIGS UP, YOU KNOW?

(door closes)

CLOONEY HAD A QUIRKY PET,

AND TOM CRUISE

OVERCAME DYSLEXIA.

IT'S... (sighs)

IT'S THE WHOLE PACKAGE.

I HAVE LITTLE DETAILS.

I'M RIGHT-HANDED,

BUT LEFT-FOOTED.

IT'S BETTER

THAT YOU'RE NOT SEXY.

BECAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS NOW,

AND YOU BRING ME

A SMOOTHIE EVERY DAY.

JAMES IS SEXY!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHO CARES

WHAT SOME DUMB MAGAZINE SAYS?

THANK YOU.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

THIS TINY FAMILY'S

VOLCANIC VACATION'S

ABOUT TO TAKE

A VERY TRAGIC TURN.

"SOME MAGAZINE"?

"PEOPLE" IS ON

THE CUTTING EDGE OF EVERYTHING.

YOU ONLY THINK

THOSE GUYS ARE SEXY

BECAUSE "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE

TOLD YOU TO THINK THAT.

THEY COULD PUT

FOZZIE BEAR ON THE COVER,

AND YOU WOULD THINK

HE WAS SEXY.

OH, DO NOT BE RIDICULOUS,

OKAY?

I WOULD WANNA HUG HIM

BECAUSE HE TRIES SO HARD,

BUT I DO NOT THINK

THAT HE IS SEXY.

JUNE, YOU ARE A SHEEP

JUST FOLLOWING THE HERD.

(imitates goat bleating)

MAAA.

IT'S "BAAA."

SEE? YOU'RE A SHEEP.

THAT WAS A TRAP.

YOU'RE WRONG.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

I'LL PROVE TO YOU

ONCE AGAIN THAT I AM RIGHT.

RIGHT AFTER I BURY

THESE TINY ITALIANS IN LAVA.

IT WAS THEIR FIRST

FAMILY VACATION, TOO.

SO SAD.

(phone rings)

OOH. I KNOW I SAID THIS

LAST YEAR,

BUT, OOH-LA-LA,

JAKE GYLLENHAAL.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL.

(murmuring)

SORRY I'M LATE.

I HAD TO STOP AND GET A LATTE.

HI. I'M CHLOE,

YOUR NEW MANAGING EDITOR,

JUST TRANSFERRED

FROM THE LONDON OFFICE.

IT IS SO GOOD

TO BE BACK STATESIDE.

LONDON IS FILTHY,

AND NOT IN THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.

WHERE ARE WE ON "SEXIEST"?

CATCH ME UP.

WAIT. WHO ARE YOU?

I'M YOUR BOSS. WHO ARE YOU?

LIZ. LIZ SPORKIN.

HELLO, LIZ. YOU'RE FIRED.

DOES ANYONE ELSE

HAVE A QUESTION?

WHAT HAPPENED TO LARRY?

GOOD QUESTION. YOU'RE FIRED.

WHO WANTS TO MAKE IT A TRIFECTA?

HELLO? HAVE I BEEN TOO SUBTLE?

YOU'RE FIRED. THANK YOU

FOR YOUR YEARS OF DEDICATION.

NOW PLEASE LEAVE.

UH...

GO!

(pounds table)

UM...

MM.

(Chloe sighs)

UM--

DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED?

A FRESH START.

LET'S THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX.

LET'S THROW THE EXPECTED

OUT THE WINDOW.

(thud, slap)

THAT'S A VERY CLEAN WINDOW.

(pen cap clicks)

(squeaking)

(pen scribbling)

(tapping)

WHY DID I DRAW MALE GENITALIA

ON THE BOARD?

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME?

BECAUSE IT'S OUTSIDE

OF THE BOX?

NO.

(pen cap clicks)

BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT.

(clatters)

NOW LET'S GET TO WORK.

(papers shuffling)

SOMEBODY HANG UP MY COAT!

(mutters)

AAH!

(Chloe) BAM.

WHAT IS THAT?

OKAY, THIS IS NOT REAL.

I HAD THEM MOCK THIS UP

DOWN AT THE OFFICE.

I BECAME THE MANAGING EDITOR

OF "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE TODAY.

(exhales) YEAH, RIGHT.

(magazine thuds)

IT'S TRUE. I'VE TAKE OVER

A BUNCH OF COMPANIES BEFORE.

VOLVO, DOLE, FEBREZE.

YOU JUST GOTTA WALK IN

LIKE YOU OWN THE PLACE,

FIRE THE FIRST PERSON

TO ASK YOU A QUESTION,

FIRE THE SECOND PERSON

TO ASK YOU A QUESTION,

AND THEN GAZE OUT THE WINDOW

AND DRAW A PEEN ON THE BOARD.

IT'S THE TRADITIONAL

INTIMIDATION-CONFUSION-

SUBMISSION TECHNIQUE.

WHAT, DIDN'T THEY

TEACH YOU THAT

AT STATE UNIVERSITY

BUSINESS TECH COLLEGE SCHOOL?

THAT WILL BE THE COVER

OF "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S

SEXIEST MAN ALIVE 2012.

JUNE, IT'S REAL.

IT'S HAPPENING.

REACT.

(whispers)

JUNE VAN DER BEEK.

(door slams)

WELL, WHY DID YOU STOP

LOOKING AT THE MAGAZINE, JUNE?

THIS IS JUST THE COVER.

WE'RE GONNA DO

A WHOLE SPREAD.

JAMES ON A HORSE.

SHIRT. NO PANTS.

(whimpers)

OH, NO! THERE ARE NO

DIRTY DISHES.

I KNEW YOU WOULD TRY

TO DISTRACT YOURSELF

SO I THREW THEM ALL

OUT THE WINDOW.

NOW LOOK AT JAMES, JUNE.

LOOK AT HIM!

ADMIT HE'S SEXY.

OKAY, I JUST GOT YOUR MESSAGE.

(door closes)

DID YOU REALLY GET ME

THE COVER?

YOU KNOW IT, BABY!

OH, MY GOD.

THIS... (laughs)

GOD, I LOOK AMAZING.

IS THIS FROM

OUR MACHU PICCHU TRIP?

YEAH, IT WAS RIGHT AFTER WE

DRANK ALL THAT OLD LADY'S WATER.

(laughs)

(Yac-Yan Da Biznessman)

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT WHAT WHAT ♪

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT GOOD GOOD ♪

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT WHAT WHAT ♪

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT GOOD GOOD ♪

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT WHAT WHAT ♪

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT GOOD GOOD ♪

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT WHAT WHAT ♪

(laughs)

DO YOU REALLY WANT THE COVER

THIS WAY, JAMES?

I MEAN, DON'T YOU WANNA--

DON'T YOU WANNA EARN IT?

JUNE, IF I WAITED

UNTIL I EARNED SOMETHING,

THERE'S NO WAY I'D HAVE A BEER

NAMED AFTER ME IN DENMARK.

(speaks Danish)

...VAN DER BRAU?

(bottle cap fizzes)

(lion roars)

AHH!

VAN DER BRAU! (laughs)

I GOT THAT FOR JAMES, TOO.

IT WAS RIGHT BEFORE I WAS

EXCOMMUNICATED FROM DENMARK.

THAT QUEEN MARGRETHE DOES NOT

UNDERSTAND THAT NO MEANS NO.

(chuckles)

COMING.

THEY'RE--THEY'RE CALLING ME.

THEY'RE CALLING ME.

WHAT'S UP WITH HER?

(door closes)

(chuckles) UH,

NOW THAT YOU'RE ON THE COVER,

SHE THINKS YOU'RE SEXY,

BUT SHE WON'T ADMIT IT.

I WOULD LOVE TO TEASE HER

ABOUT IT,

BUT I HAVE TO SET UP YOUR

PHOTO SHOOT AND ALL OF THAT.

DO ME A FAVOR

AND MESS WITH HER FOR ME.

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

(door closes)

WHO'S THERE?

OH.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS

DOING HERE?

OH, I'M JUST BRINGING MY FRIEND

HER MORNING PEACH SMOOTHIE.

NO BIG DEAL.

(gasps)

BUT WHAT'S THIS?

OH, MY GOODNESS.

I'VE SPILLED

ALL OVER MY SHIRT.

I BETTER

TAKE MY SHIRT OFF.

THERE WE GO.

OOH. NOW I'VE SPILLED ALL OVER

MY BARE CHEST.

LOOK AT THAT.

I AM SO MESSY. (laughs)

SUCH A MESSY BOY.

I BETTER TAKE A SHOWER.

AFTER I WORK UP A SWEAT.

ONE, TWO,

THREE, FOUR,

FIVE, SEX,

SEVEN, EIGHT,

NINE.

AHH. SHOWER.

HE JUST GAVE ME BLUE TUBES.

BREATHE, OR ELSE YOU'LL GET

A TUMMY ACHE.

HERE.

LOOK AT THESE UNFLATTERING

PICTURES OF JAMES.

I'VE COLLECTED THEM

OVER THE YEARS

TO HELP ME GET THROUGH

MOMENTS LIKE THIS.

HERE HE IS

AFTER TOO MUCH SALT.

UH, BRUSHING HIS TEETH

ON THE TOILET.

HEY.

I COULDN'T FIND ANY TOWELS.

ALL YOU HAD WAS THIS, UH,

THIS LITTLE TEENSY-WEENSY ONE.

(exhales)

(shower running)

MY TUBES.

SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

ARM OVER HERE,

SEXY OVER-THE-SHOULDER THING,

HANDSTAND--

ONE-ARMED

IF HE'S NOT A PANSY.

WELL, I JUST WANT TO SAY

THAT IT'S BEEN A REAL PLEASURE

WORKING WITH ALL OF YOU

ON THIS ISSUE,

EXCEPT YOU, BRENDA.

BEFORE YOU GO, CAN YOU APPROVE

JENNA ELFMAN FOR "CHATTER"?

JENNA ELFMAN? DIDN'T SHE JUST

DO "CHATTER" LAST YEAR?

LET'S GET FRAN DRESCHER.

I HATE HER VOICE,

BUT I LOVE HER POINT OF VIEW.

(mutters indistinctly)

(sighs)

WHAT'S COOKING IN "GREAT IDEAS"?

"MORE THAN ONE WAY TO SKIN

A CATFISH"?

(laughs)

COME ON, PEOPLE!

I WANT CORN SALADS.

I WANT SUMMER SUCCOTASH.

LET'S DAZZLE OUR READERS

WITH MANGOES.

UGH. I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO DO

EVERYTHING MYSELF.

(purse thuds)

WHO'S ON "PUZZLER"?

"WHOOPI BLANK-BERG.

FOUR LETTERS"?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

MAKE IT EASIER.

WHO'S ON "BEAUTY WATCH"?

OH, DEAR GOD, BRENDA,

I HATE YOU.

NEW IDEA FOR THE PHOTO SHOOT.

JAMES' HORSE TRAMPLES

AND KILLS BRENDA.

(woman) ♪ OOH, LA-LA-LA ♪

(sighs) CORPORATE WANTS US

TO HAVE A FIRE DRILL.

JAMES IS JUST SO SEXY.

YOU DON'T SEEM TO CARE

ABOUT THIS FIRE DRILL.

(sighs) OH, GOD! HE'S ALL

I THINK ABOUT ALL THE TIME!

I CAN'T TALK TO HIM,

I CAN'T BE AROUND HIM,

I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT HIM

WITHOUT BLUSHING.

I WAS ON THE COVER

OF "TIME" ONCE.

CROWD SHOT WHILE I WAS

OCCUPYING WALL STREET.

PRETTY SURE IT WAS ME.

MIGHT HAVE BEEN

D.L. HUGHLEY.

I CAN'T TELL US APART.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

HE IS MY SMOOTHIE BUDDY.

LOOK, YOU NEED TO STOP THINKING

OF HIM AS SEXIEST MAN ALIVE...

(sighs)

AND JUST START THINKING OF HIM

AS YOUR FRIEND JAMES.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

(slaps sides)

HE'S JUST JAMES.

OKAY--NO.

OH, OH, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO.

IT'S JUST JAMES.

OH, NO. HE HAS GOT

A QUIRKY, ADORABLE PET

LIKE CLOONEY'S PIG.

HE'S MORE THAN JUST A FACE!

(gasps)

STEADY.

AH, HELLO, JUNE.

HAVE YOU MET

MY PET TURTLE STEPHANIE?

SHE PREFERS BUTTER LETTUCE

TO ALL OTHER LETTUCES.

(gasps) HE'S EVEN GOT

AN EARRING LIKE FORD.

EASY.

JUST, UH, PREPPING FOR

MY S.M.A. Q & A.

HIT ME, LUTHER.

IF YOU WERE A BIRD,

WHAT KIND WOULD YOU BE?

HAWAIIAN NENE GOOSE,

BECAUSE THEY MATE FOR LIFE

AND LIVE IN HAWAII.

OH...

I CAN'T IMAGINE

ANYTHING BETTER.

NEITHER CAN I.

OH! GOD...

OH...

AHH! MNH!

COME ON, MAN.

THE TURTLE, THE EARRING,

THE ROMANTIC ANSWERS.

ARE YOU DOING ALL THIS

JUST TO MESS WITH JUNE?

YEAH, AT FIRST I WAS,

BUT THEN I REALIZED,

I'M GONNA NEED TO BECOME

MORE DIMENSIONAL

IF I'M GONNA BE

THE REIGNING S.M.A.

AFTER THIS ISSUE COMES OUT,

I WON'T BE ABLE TO COME IN HERE

WITHOUT GETTING MOBBED.

(dramatic orchestral score

playing)

(sighs) GOOD-BYE,

IT'S JUST BEANS.

I'VE ENJOYED OUR TIME

TOGETHER.

(inhales) BUT NOW I'M LIKE...

(exhales) NEW ORLEANS

BEFORE THE LEVEES BURST.

MY FAME LEVEE'S ABOUT TO BLOW.

GRAB YOUR PONCHOS, PEOPLE.

(door bells jingle)

BYE!

(sighs)

PANTLESS HANDSTAND ON A HORSE--

NOT SEXY. NOW WE KNOW.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

(gasps)

YOU PUT JAMES ON THE COVER,

AND NOW I THINK HE'S SEXY.

I AM A SHEEP. YOU WIN. OKAY?

NOW TAKE IT OFF,

BECAUSE IT'S RUINING

MY FRIENDSHIP WITH HIM.

FIRST OF ALL, THANK YOU

FOR ADMITTING I WAS RIGHT.

SECOND, I CAN'T TAKE HIM OFF.

IT'S MY JOB TO SELL MAGAZINES.

YOUR JOB? YOU'VE BEEN

WORKING HERE FOR THREE DAYS.

AND I'VE COME IN

FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

LOOK, THIS IS ABOUT MORE

THAN JUST YOU NOW, JUNE.

THIS IS ABOUT

MILLIONS OF WOMEN

LOOKING TO ME FOR GUIDANCE

ON WHAT TO WEAR, HOW TO COOK,

AND WHO TO FANTASIZE ABOUT

WHEN THEY FLUFF THE DUFF.

(laughing)

SHUT UP, JONAH!

UGH. IGNORE HIM.

(clenches teeth) HE'S MY COUSIN.

MY MOTHER MADE ME HIRE HIM.

THIS IS INSANE.

YOU DON'T WORK HERE.

NO ONE IS LOOKING TO YOU

FOR GUIDANCE ON ANYTHING!

IS THAT SO?

STRAWBERRY LIP BALM,

A BERET, AND SMINTS--

THAT'S WHAT'S IN YOUR PURSE.

HOW DID YOU--

I KNOW WHAT'S IN YOUR PURSE

BECAUSE WE--

ME AND MY MAGAZINE--

PUT THEM THERE.

WE TOLD YOU THOSE ITEMS

WERE HOT,

AND YOU WENT OUT

AND BOUGHT THEM.

THAT'S THE KIND OF POWER

WE HAVE.

WELL, YOU ALSO HAVE THE POWER

TO HELP OUT YOUR ROOMMATE.

IT'S TRUE, I DO, BUT I ALSO

HAVE A MAGAZINE TO RUN.

WHY ARE YOU HANDING ME

TWO OF THE EXACT SAME PICTURE?

UH, IT'S FOR "SECOND LOOK."

IT NEEDS YOUR APPROVAL.

(voice quavers) THERE ARE

15 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THEM.

NO, THERE AREN'T.

OKAY, ONE.

THREE. NINE.

15.

THERE ARE 15 DIFFERENCES.

OKAY, GOOD WORK.

THIS CAN RUN.

(whispers)

OH, THANK YOU. BYE.

JAMES WILL BE ON THE COVER.

I'M SORRY IF THAT MEANS YOUR

FRIENDSHIP WITH HIM IS OVER.

(presses buttons)

WHO IS THIS?!

(door slams)

SHE'S IN MY HEAD.

SHE'S IN MY PURSE.

YOU EVEN TOLD YOU

TO WEAR THOSE BRACELETS.

What?! No, I got these

from a cart at the mall.

BECAUSE THEY WERE FEATURED

IN "STYLE WATCH"

ON "PEOPLE'S" WEB SITE.

CHLOE WAS RIGHT.

(sighs) WE'RE JUST SHEEP.

I-I think you're missing

the bigger picture, honey.

You have a chance

no Colburn woman has ever had--

a chance to bed

a Sexiest Man Alive!

JAMES IS MY FRIEND.

I DON'T WANT TO RUIN THAT.

Oh, this is something

you can't just walk away from.

The closest I ever got

was shoving the Nick Nolte

issue down my girdle.

I'M HANGING UP NOW.

Stop avoiding James!

Tell him how you feel

before it's too late!

Hi, honey.

You know what's not sexy?

Regret.

DRINK IT ALL IN, STEPHANIE.

IT'S ALL GONNA BE DIFFERENT

AFTER TODAY.

IN A WAY, THESE ARE OUR

LAST FEW MOMENTS OF FREEDOM.

THERE YOU ARE.

D-D--WATCH OUT!

D-DID YOU NOT SEE

THE BALLOON?

LUTHER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE

A GOOD WAY TO KEEP TABS ON HER

AFTER WHAT HAPPENED.

(singsongy) "VARSITY BLUES"

IS ON ABC FAMILY!

I REPEAT--

(crunch)

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN I LOVE SOMETHING!

TURNS OUT HE JUST STEPPED

ON SOME LETTUCE, THANK GOD.

COULD HAVE BEEN STEPH.

LISTEN. I NEED

TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

CAN IT WAIT?

THE NEWSSTAND'S ABOUT TO OPEN.

I WANT TO HAVE SEX

WITH YOU.

JUNE, STOP.

I CAN'T!

I CAN'T FIGHT IT ANYMORE!

MAYBE IT'S JUST BECAUSE

YOU'RE ON THE COVER

OF "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE,

BUT I DON'T CARE!

I CAN'T STOP THINKING

ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

LET ME HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

I JUST WANT TO HAVE--

(kisses)

NOTHING, RIGHT?

NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

EXACTLY. IT'S BECAUSE

WE'RE FRIENDS--

FRIENDS WHO SHARE SMOOTHIES,

NOT SMOOCHIES.

LISTEN, I KNOW I'VE BEEN

TEASING YOU THIS WEEK,

BUT... IT'S ALL IN FUN.

I DON'T NEED YOU

TO THINK I'M SEXY.

ABOUT 45 MILLION

OTHER PEOPLE ARE ABOUT TO,

AND I NEED YOU

TO BE MY FRIEND.

(rattling)

WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!

I'M NOT ON THE COVER?

WHAT HAPPENED?

(gasps)

HE'S ON ALL OF THEM!

(panting)

WHO DID THIS?

(clatters)

WHAT IS GOING ON?

WHY IS JAMES

NOT ON THE COVER?

UH, MARJORIE MUST HAVE

NIXED IT.

MARJORIE HAS FINAL SAY.

STOP SAYING "MARJORIE" LIKE I'M

SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THAT IS.

YOU DON'T KNOW

WHO MARJORIE IS?

OH, MY GOD!

ONE MORE WORD,

AND BRENDA GETS A SMACKWICH.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND--

HER FACE IS THE LUNCH MEAT,

MY HANDS ARE THE BREAD!

HUH?! OHH...

SMACKWICH!

NOW, CAN ANYONE GIVE ME

CLARITY ON THIS SITUATION?

THEY'RE, UH, TALKING

ABOUT MARJORIE MEYERS.

SHE'S WORKED FOR THE MAGAZINE

SINCE ITS INCEPTION.

SHE PICKS THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE

EVERY YEAR.

I'M MARJORIE MEYERS,

GENIUS BEHIND

"SEXIEST MAN ALIVE."

I'M OFTEN ASKED,

"WHAT IS MY SECRET?"

I MERELY GO WITH THE MAN

THAT GETS THINGS KICKING

IN MY PANTS. (chuckles)

AND THE OLD GAL

HASN'T BEEN WRONG YET.

EVERY YEAR THE STAFF GIVES

THEIR TOP TEN CANDIDATES,

AND MARJORIE IGNORES THEM

AND GOES WITH HER PANTS.

I WAS BAREBACK ON A HORSE

FOR SEVEN HOURS

WEARING NOTHING

BUT A SHIRT.

OKAY, DO YOU KNOW

WHY PANTS WERE INVENTED?

TO PREVENT WHAT HAPPENED

TO ME.

AND YOU LOOKED GREAT.

WHICH IS WHY

WE GAVE YOU A SPREAD.

DAMN DAMN, I LOOK GOOD!

I'LL TAKE IT.

HI. REMEMBER US?

WE'RE LIZ AND PETER.

YEAH, SO IT TURNS OUT

THAT YOU CAN'T FIRE US,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T WORK HERE.

(sighs) FINALLY!

HOW DID IT TAKE YOU FIVE DAYS

TO PUT THAT TOGETHER?

WELL, WE JUST HAD

OUR EXIT INTERVIEW--

I DON'T CARE. I'M EXHAUSTED.

I, UH, JUST WANT TO SAY

THAT, UM, YOU GUYS NAILED

THE "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE"

AGAIN THIS YEAR.

AND IF I'M A SHEEP,

I'M JUST GLAD

THAT YOU ALL

ARE MY SHEPHERDS,

AND I'M SURE

THAT MY MOTHER IS...

(Southern accent) SHOVING THIS

DOWN HER GIRDLE RIGHT NOW...

(normal voice) AS WE SPEAK,

SO THANK YOU.

(sighs) WELL, TEAM,

WHAT CAN I SAY?

MY JOB HERE WAS FAKE,

BUT THE WORK THAT WE DID

WAS REAL... ISH.

BRENDA, WHAT CAN I SAY

TO YOU, BRENDA?

WHERE DO I EVEN START?

(chuckles)

I KNOW I'VE BEEN

ESPECIALLY HARD ON YOU,

BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I SEE

SO MUCH POTENTIAL.

(voice breaking) YOU'RE

THE BEST BOSS I EVER HAD.

I DIDN'T WANT THINGS

TO END THIS WAY,

BUT ALL GOOD THINGS, RIGHT?

WHEN YOU SPEAK OF ME

AT THE COMPANY RETREAT,

WHICH I STILL PLAN

ON ATTENDING,

SPEAK OF ME WELL.

I'LL SEE YOU ALL IN BAJA.

(clicks switch)

UH, WE'RE STILL WORKING!

YOU'RE FIRED!

(door slams)

CAN I GET A WATER?

(man) WATER FOR JAMES.

WATER, PLEASE. THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, GREAT. GOOD JOB.

NOW CAN YOU GET ME ONE

THAT'S NOT HOT AS HELLFIRE?

(shutter clicking)

DONNIE, YEAH.

I JUST SAW THE HORSE'S TRAILER.

IT'S BIGGER THAN MINE.

AND GO BY STAR SIZE,

NOT BODY SIZE.

(blusters)

IS THAT SECRETARIAT?

OH, IT'S NOT?

'CAUSE THE WAY

EVERYONE'S FAWNING OVER HIM,

I THOUGHT IT MUST BE.

DONNIE, LISTEN, YEAH.

I'M GETTING TIRED OF THIS HORSE.

I WANT YOU TO SEND HIM

A GIFT BASKET FROM ME--

SEASON ONE OF "LUCK"

AND A BIG TUB OF GLUE.