Original subtitles

Happy Thanksgiving, Chloe!

Do you want me to make you

my traditional turkey--

Uh, this is Chloe's

Thanksgiving tradition.

She calls all of

her married lovers

while they're home

with their families

to freak 'em out.

(phone rings)

(singsongy)

Gobble, gobble!

Is your wife home?

'Cause I'm wearing

her t-shirt right now.

MAN: Wait-- What?

Hey, Harold!

Did you see the parade?

(inhales sharply)

Get tested.

(man crying)

Oh, hey, Todd, real quick--

While you're eating,

your baby will be

growing inside me.

MAN: No! I--

Hey, Tyrone,

Happy Turkey Day.

Did you tell your wife yet

that you prefer white meat?

MAN: Wait, no, no, no,

no, no, no.

♪ I'm not perfect,

I'm no snitch ♪

♪ But I can tell you ♪

(whispers)

♪ She's a... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

Chloe,

you ruined Thanksgiving

for those men.

Don't you feel bad?

They're hypocrites.

Pretending to be family

men one day a year,

and then sleeping

around the rest?

This whole holiday is

fake--

people pretending

to like each other,

everyone thinking

it's okay to wear Uggs.

What? Thanksgiving

is a wonderful holiday.

I was gonna fly home to

Indiana to be with my family,

but I couldn't afford

the flight.

You could sell

your uterus.

I got a guy.

Next year.

(door opens)

Happy Fat America Day.

Luther and I are on our way

to volunteer at a soup kitchen.

I don't wanna

look too nice.

I wanna borrow something

that's, you know,

kind of "of the people."

Oh, you're volunteering?

That's exactly what

I was gonna do today.

I-- Oh. Okay.

(laughs)

It's so rewarding.

Helping those in need--

Oh, that looks

really nice--

is a Colburn

Thanksgiving tradition.

You know, and if I can't

be home to do it,

maybe I should just go along

with you guys. Is that okay?

Do you have a reservation

at the shelter?

You need a reservation

to help people?

(laughs)

(laughs)

Indiana.

Fly-over state.

Biscuits.

June, the 78th

Street Shelter

is the most exclusive

in the city.

You need a reservation if

you want People magazine

to take your picture

with photogenic homeless.

I put my name in

a year ago.

And he's

James Van Der Beek.

What have I told you about

where to put the emphasis?

Ugh!

First Christmas card came.

Guess who from.

My dad and Karen.

Of course, she's making

him crouch down.

I don't really think

that she has a... choice.

This is exactly why I'm

not going home today.

My mom's gonna put on

a show for her guests,

but everyone knows

it's a Thanksgiving lie

because they've been

having a hard time

ever since my dad cheated

on her with some whore.

That was... that was me.

You set me up with your father.

I'm the... whore.

Right!

Yeah.

I forgot. Funny.

Because on the surface,

you don't look like a whore.

(singsongy)

Happy Thanksgiving.

May I offer you

a baked good?

I'm doing gluten-free

right now.

Good for you.

I tried doing vegan for a week.

No energy. I couldn't even

make it to the gym.

Yeah, that must

have been hard for you.

I only have one foot.

I like your sock.

Thank you

for volunteering today.

If you have any problems,

Reggie and Mike

will take care of you.

Fantastic.

Showtime.

There he is.

Hello, friends.

Would you care for

some delicious gravy?

Nice.

This is what it's

all about, isn't it?

Sharing with those in need,

giving of one's self

so that you can...

MAN: Hey, is that an Olsen?

MAN: Mary-Kate!

MAN: Ashley!

Okay, that's a wrap.

Fantastic.

Thank you.

You guys were great.

Ta-ta!

(bell dings)

Oh, hi!

Happy Thanksgiving.

My name is June.

I live in apartment 23.

May I help you

with your groceries?

Rape!

What? No.

Rape!

I was just trying

to help you!

Some lady is raping my wife!

Rape!

(door opens)

Um...

I just ran into

Mrs. Hochberg in the hall.

Did you, like,

rape her or something?

No. They thought I was,

but I wasn't.

I'm not attracted

to either one of them.

Really? 'Cause I bet

back in the day,

she was something special.

(scoffs) This has been

the worst Thanksgiving

in my entire life.

I haven't been able

to find anyone to help,

and I can't afford

to be home with my family.

I know who you should help--

the Native Americans.

Let's go to an Indian casino

and drink white wine

with the Cherokee!

On Thanksgiving?

You-- you don't think that's

a little bit insensitive?

No. We're helping.

We're starting

the healing process.

And, June, the way

you suck at Blackjack,

you could change

a lot of lives.

I don't suck at Blackjack.

I just don't play

the way that you do.

Nobody takes the insurance.

I don't like

being unprotected!

Hey, Chloe,

just so you're not shocked,

I like to play

two slot machines at once.

So I'll be all like,

"Bap-bap-bap-bap-bap."

Yeah. You should

totally do that.

Why aren't we

at the casino?

Uh, that was a Thanksgiving lie.

We're at my parents' house.

We're just gonna go in

for a quick five-course meal,

we'll be done

in nine hours, max.

Nine hours? That is gonna

bleed into Black Friday.

June, you can have sex

with black men

any day of the week.

What are we doing

at your parents' house?

You said that families

put aside their problems

for one day of the year,

and I got to thinking,

since my parents

are back together,

I'm gonna try and spend

some real time with them,

and I can't do it

without you.

Why me? I...

(lowered voice)

made out with your father!

June, you're the first

normal person I've met.

You can help me

have a normal Thanksgiving.

Come on. You wanna help

somebody this Thanksgiving?

Help me.

Okay. Okay.

I will help you.

I will put aside

all this weird stuff

with your father,

and I will help you

navigate this special day.

I will be your

emotional Sacagawea.

Great!

All right.

Wait! June, wait.

No, you can't just

walk into the house.

Are you crazy? My mom knows

you almost porked my dad.

She does? Wait, why?

I had to tell her.

She thought it was

someone her own age,

not some sweet

young thang.

You can't hand me a sledgehammer

and expect me not to swing it.

(door squeaks)

(grunts)

Okay. Hop in.

What?

This is the only way to level

the playing field with her.

She'll replace her anger

with kinship.

This chair is

the great equalizer.

This is crazy!

I can't pretend

to be in a wheelchair

in front of your mother,

who is actually in a

wheelchair.

Besides,

she's seen me,

and she knows

that my legs work!

I told her that you were in a

horseback riding accident.

Your horse saw a snake,

it reared up

and tossed

you on a rock,

and you shattered

your pelvis in 60

places.

60 places?

Oh, my god. The doctor

bills must have been--

You know what?

You know what?

It's not real.

Come on, Sacagawea.

I need you.

(moans)

Please!

Well, I hate lying,

especially on

Turkey Day.

But if this is

the only way

that you can

reconnect--

Great!

I will-- Oh, god, wait.

Wait. Hold on.

But what about my horse?

What was his name?

You didn't tell me.

I don't know

what to do!

(doorbell rings)

Is it a Palomino?

What if it comes up?

Hey! Hi, you!

(door squeaks)

Who wants a welcome

soup shot in their tummy?

Shut your face, mom!

Chloe,

she's not trying

to be rude to you.

She's just trying to be nice.

(scoffs) Fine. Whatever.

She's always hated

my welcome soup shots,

even though

she's never tried one.

I'll try

one in hell!

Is that my princess?

Hi, daddy! It is me!

Hi! Mm.

You guys remember June.

Hello, June.

You're looking...

handsome.

Hi, Karen.

Come.

Give me a hug.

You mean...

in our, uh...

in our chairs?

Oh, yes, dear,

in our chairs.

I am gonna give you tips

I wish someone had given me

when I was first in the chair.

Wow.

Now here's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna reach over,

and I'm gonna set your brake.

Ooh!

I'm gonna scoot my weight

to the end of my chair,

and then I'm gonna extend

my arms around you,

and I'm gonna bring your body

close to my body.

Oh!

Mm-hmm.

We're hugging now.

This is a hug.

(exhales deeply) That got

pretty real back there.

I don't think I ever

want to be homeless.

We should buy that second house

we've been talking about

just so I have a backup.

Sedona!

(pounding on door)

Oh, hey, guys.

Clarence sent us

to get you.

You left before

your shift was over.

No. I-I came.

I helped out.

I-I signed two autographs

for a bipolar prostitute.

(laughs)

That's... Luther, put that

in the "perfect joke" file.

All right.

Celebrities like you always

leave early on Thanksgiving.

Mike, you think

People magazine

would find it

interesting to know

that James Van Der Beek

ladled and left?

Very interesting,

Reggie.

No, no, no.

We didn't leave.

We-- we... we just

had to come back,

'cause-- 'cause we,

uh, forgot...

our... hats.

(indistinct conversations,

dishes clatter, baby crying)

This is excruciating.

How long have we been here?

Ugh. 45 minutes.

(clangs)

(dribbles)

(indistinct conversations)

I have a present for you.

Two hands on your wheels

doesn't mean

you can't still party.

Oh, wow, that's really nice.

You think that's nice?

(singsongy)

Wait till you see this.

Oh, is that

for my glasses?

Nope, it's a Tampon holder.

It's that "T" of the "M,"

you need to go to the ladies',

but you don't want to wheel

all the way over

to wherever

you put your purse.

Well, that is

very thoughtful of you.

Thank you for being

so welcoming

despite... everything.

My motto is

"Keep rolling forward."

I don't understand

what the problem is.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Could you excuse me

for a second?

I think I'm needed.

Okay.

Honey,

you know you're pretty.

You got it all going on.

But sometimes guests,

like my boss,

can misconstrue it

when you sit on their lap

and feed them Ambrosia salad

with your fingers.

You put your fingers inside

of your dad's boss' mouth?

June,

if there's a sexy piece

of man-meat in front of me,

I'm gonna want

to eat it.

Chloe...

take a look at

that sexy piece of man-meat

without your intention

of wanting to ruin the holiday,

and let me know

if you're still hungry.

(indistinct conversations)

Oh, my god. He looks

like a giant cheesy poof.

Good catch.

That was a close one.

That's what

I'm here for.

So, Scott,

how have you been?

Would you excuse me?

I have to check on the turkey.

I've been good, too.

Just, uh, don't ask

me to dance, 'cause

I can't.

(indistinct conversations)

Oh, my god.

This plate has been licked.

All right, James.

Lunch break.

Where's Luther?

I need him to make

me a res at Babbo.

Uh, we eat here...

at the shelter.

I don't wanna

eat here.

Pretty great to have all

this food today, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I used to get

pretty hungry

back when my mom

first got put in jail,

and the only soft

thing in my life

was a trash bag

filled with old pillows.

My grandma hoped

a pet would help me

get through it.

So she got me what she

thought was a hamster.

(thinking) My god...

how long have I been chewing

on this turkey?

Feels like forever.

Wait. Is that a tendon?

Oh, my god,

I-I can't eat a tendon.

I need to spit this out

into a napkin,

but the sad kid

keeps on looking at me.

Maybe I can wash it down

with orange drink.

There's lipstick on that cup.

Oh, my god.

They're reusing cups.

Yoo-hoo! Hi.

Down here.

Oh! Hey, June, I didn't

see you down there.

Yeah. Or in the hallway

or the TV room.

Anyway, uh, listen,

I know this is

a little awkward.

But, um, Karen and I seem

to be getting along great.

And you and I

don't have to pretend

like we don't

know each other.

I mean, the last

time I saw you,

my toes were

in your mouth.

Oh! That

was the timer.

I have to check

something in the kitchen.

Hey. That is not

where the kitchen is!

I know what you're doing--

Oh.

God. This rug

is like a swamp.

Oh, god.

Yep, stairs can

be tricky.

Mm. Here's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna reach

over. (sighs) And I'm

gonna set your brake.

I'm gonna slip my right hand

under your left buttock,

and I'm gonna heft

your weight...

(strained voice) from one chair

to the other. Okay.

Okay. Good girl.

Oh, beautiful.

Beautiful. You all right?

Yes.

(beeps)

Et voila.

(whirring)

Seriously?

I've got a knitting

project in the side

pouch. Feel free.

See you

downstairs!

Hey-- Oh...

(beeps)

June, where the

hell have you been?

I've been trying to

talk to your father,

but he's acting

like a child.

(scoffs) Well, my mom

just said she likes

my hair down,

so obviously,

I put it up.

How do you make

this thing go down?

Are you even listening

to me? This is red

hour, June!

This is right before dinner

when my mom and I

get in a huge fight,

and I blow everything

up! You're supposed

to stop me!

Tell me to breathe

or something!

God, did you ever think

that maybe your mother is

not the one

with the problem?

She is a wonderful

human being.

It is your father

who has real issues

with women in

wheelchairs.

What are you

talking about?

You're supposed to be

my emotional Sacagawea.

(beeps)

Sacagawea's busy.

(whirring)

(singsongy) Oh, dinnertime!

(silverware clinks, laughter,

indistinct conversations)

Well, I just took

some ibuprofen-- wink--

so I passed that

little episode on my own,

no thanks to you.

Uh-huh. Look at Scott.

He's sitting as far away

from me as possible.

You know, I've been

thinking about it,

and he didn't even

call me once

after my horseback

riding accident.

(whispers) You

didn't have an accident.

But he thinks I did,

and he never sent me

balloons

or came to visit me

in the hospital,

(whispers) or anything.

Are you drunk?

I have a cup holder.

(fork clinks glass)

(singsongy) Ding, ding!

(singsongy)

Fork made the sound.

You don't have to

say it, too.

Before we eat, I'd

like to go around the

table

and say what we're

thankful for.

I'm thankful for all of

us being here together...

especially June,

our newest addition.

I'm thankful we were able

to get the Syracuse game

on the dish, right, Tom?

(laughter)

Ha! Hilarious!

I'm thankful

the snowy owl

is no longer on the

endangered species list.

To our troops

overseas.

MAN: I'm thankful

for chocolate.

WOMAN:

And the Mars rover.

And yams!

(laughter)

How come

no one said legs?

Uh, you mean, like,

turkey legs?

No!

I mean you all have

working legs,

and none of you

give a damn about them!

Yams?

Legs!

(silverware clatters)

(clenches teeth)

June, pull yourself together!

(normal voice)

Everybody, I am so sorry

that June is trying

to ruin our special

Thanksgiving dinner.

What are you

talking about?

You wouldn't even be here

if it weren't for me.

You'd be screwing that

life-size cheddar cheese

over there

and arguing with

your selfish father!

I'm Sacagawea!

I'm on a coin!

I'm money, bitch!

June's legs work!

I walked in on her getting nuts

from on top of the fridge,

and I didn't want

to say anything

because I didn't want

to ruin Thanksgiving.

Uh, June, honey, ignore her.

This isn't about you.

Chloe's always had a complicated

relationship with my chair.

That's why I put a lock

on your tampon holder.

Wait. What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Stand up!

KAREN:

Don't. Don't.

Stop it! Chloe!

Stop it!

(grunting)

No!

She's done this to me before.

Set your brake. Set your brake!

Aah!

Ugh! Ow! Ow!

Stop it!

Get off of me!

Get-- Oh, my--

Oh!

(thud)

Chloe!

Seriously, June?

You are laying

on the ground,

pretending to be crippled

on Thanksgiving?

It's a miracle?

You don't... need

the chair?

No. I am so sorry.

I was just trying to help.

The only reason

I got in this chair

was just so you'd forgive me

for dry-humping your husband.

(all gasp)

You were the whore?

Chloe said that you knew.

Nope. No.

So Scott wasn't avoiding me

because I was in the chair.

Scott was avoiding me

because he was afraid

I'd make a scene,

like this one.

(chuckles)

Get out!

JUNE: Of course.

Go.

(meows)

(gasps)

Oh, boy. Freckles wanted to get

out of here worse than me.

Is he an outdoor cat?

No? All right then.

(sighs)

I'm sorry. I think

you're wearing my jacket.

I must have left it

on the chair back there.

No, I'm wearing

my jacket.

No, that's mine.

I... paid $1,500 for it.

You don't think I can

afford a $1,500 jacket?

Why, because

I'm black?

You're not

black.

I'm black.

Says it's mine right here.

I'm Wayne.

You destroyed

the festive lining?

You animal!

(both grunting)

Sucks working

holidays, huh?

(grunting)

Take it off!

I mean...

(grunting continues)

(crickets chirping)

(lowered voice)

June, oh, my god.

You were great!

Yeah. Yeah.

It was just so great.

Everything about that

was just great--

So great that your mother

has been glaring at me

through that window

for the last 20 minutes.

Why did you tell me that

she knew about Scott and me?

So you would get

in the chair.

You had to believe

that was the only way

she could get past

her anger and accept you.

Then why did you throw

me out of the chair?

So then she would

super hate you

when she found out

you could actually walk,

and then they would give me

cash to get away from you.

They gave you money?

$2,000.

I knew they wouldn't want

me living with someone

who would lie about

something like that.

But the way that

you bonded with my mom,

and then outed your

fling with my dad--

nobody could have

seen that coming.

So this whole thing

was a scam for money?

(bills rustling)

You used me to

manipulate your parents,

you made me lie

to your poor mother

about being

in a wheelchair--

$800, $900...

$1,000. There.

That should be enough to get you

home to Indiana for Christmas.

What?

You seemed super sad

this morning

when you couldn't go home,

and then you were yammering on

about helping people,

so I thought, "Why not

use my screwed-up family

to get you

home to yours?"

Chloe, that...

(sighs)

...that was-- that was

really nice of you.

It is nice.

I'm really nice.

June, why aren't you

fanning yourself

with your money?

I'm really excited

about going home for

Christmas and all,

but I mean, I kind of

just feel really bad

that I blew up

Thanksgiving.

Are you

kidding me?

That was the best Thanksgiving

I've ever had with my family.

Oh! Right.

Seriously.

After you

left, we ate,

my mom and dad bonded

in their hatred of you,

and then we

played Charades.

I guess I

did kinda--

Okay, now

stop smiling,

because I have to

pretend to tell you

that I'm moving out.

Okay, this is me

telling you.

You're gonna take

these leftovers,

and you're gonna

smash it on the ground,

and then you're gonna walk

to the end of the block,

and I'm gonna come

and get you in a cab.

You wanna pick up

some pie on the way home?

I'm in the mood.

I know you're probably

thinking that you want pumpkin,

but I'm gonna throw

something out there--

Dutch apple. Huh?

You like that idea?

(clatter)

It's your call.

We should talk like this

to each other all the time,

'cause this is

really fun.

(speaking inaudibly)

Oh. Dutch apple.

So good, right?

So this is what guys

make love to

when they can't

get girls?

Hmm. I get it.

(door opens)

I had

the most amazing day.

Aw, isn't helping people

the best?

(door closes)

I have reached bottom.

Literally.

A homeless man's bottom

was on my face.

They made me wait

on the meat scale

while the officer

took my statement.

I don't know

if it was the stress,

or the food,

or the bum fight,

but somehow, some way,

I lost 2 pounds on

the fattest day of the year.

Do you know

what that means?

I negated the Christmas gain!

I'm going

into the holiday season

two pounds underweight!

Nice!

Looking good, skinny!

(sighs)

I am caught in the shallow end

of a very dark pool.

Think that's a good idea.