Original subtitles

(June) HALLOWEEN HAS ALWAYS

BEEN MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY.

IT'S THE ONE DAY OF THE YEAR

WE GET TO EMBRACE OUR FEARS,

NO MATTER WHAT THEY MIGHT BE

OR WHO THEY MIGHT--

GOD! COME ON, CHLOE.

WHAT UP, DONKEY?

CAN YOU PLEASE STOP

PUTTING HEADS EVERYWHERE?

HEY. DIDN'T YOU SLEEP HERE

AGAIN LAST NIGHT?

WHAT IS THAT, LIKE,

THE FOURTH NIGHT THIS WEEK?

SO WHAT IS YOUR COSTUME THIS

YEAR? DETECTIVE ASS-BASKET?

IT'S ANOTHER HOLIDAY FOR YOU TO

RUIN WITH YOUR SNARKY COMMENTS.

NO, THAT IS NOT TRUE.

I LOVE HALLOWEEN.

I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

REALLY? 'CAUSE IT'S MY FAVORITE,

TOO, ESPECIALLY THIS YEAR,

BECAUSE IT'S THE FIRST TIME

IN FOREVER

THAT STEVEN AND I

HAVEN'T BEEN TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN PART

OF A COUPLES COSTUME.

I WAS ALWAYS STEVEN'S

"AND SOMETHING,"

YOU KNOW, DOCTOR

AND SEXY NURSE,

OR DOCTOR AND SEXY PATIENT.

SHERLOCK HO.

MM, I SHOULD'VE CALLED YOU

SHERLOCK HO.

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

HEY, YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING

FUN AND HALLOWEEN-Y TONIGHT?

LIKE, I'M GREAT AT BOBBING

FOR APPLES.

I CAN FIT, LIKE,

THREE IN MY MOUTH AT ONCE.

"A," YOU HAVE

NEVER BEEN SEXIER,

"B," I'M SORRY. I CAN'T.

I'M BUSY.

(lock clicks)

DID YOU GET IT?

I JUST SENT OUT THE EVITE

FOR MY HALLOWEEN PARTY.

(boing)

(meows)

HI, FRIENDS.

WHO NEEDS FEAR WHEN WE HAVE...

LOVE?

(bubbles popping)

(chimes tinkle)

WHEE!

WHEE! OH! BRR!

I LOVE ICE CREAM.

THIS IS THE INVITE

FOR YOUR HALLOWEEN PARTY?

JAMES IS TERRIFIED

OF HALLOWEEN.

YEAH, I HATE BEING SCARED.

I MEAN, HATE IT.

HATE IT WORSE THAN I HATE

APPLAUSE FOR OTHER PEOPLE.

SO EVERY YEAR, JAMES THROWS

A POSITIVITY PARTY

WHERE WE CELEBRATE

LIFE AND HAPPINESS.

ABSOLUTELY NO SCARY COSTUMES,

JUST HAPPY ONES.

IT ALL STARTED

WHEN I WAS A KID.

MY DAD PLAYED ME A VHS TAPE

OF "HALLOWEEN" ON CHRISTMAS.

RUINED TWO HOLIDAYS AT ONCE.

THANKS FOR GOING TO THE MOVIES

WITH ME, MARK.

HALLOWEEN AND CHICK FLICKS

ARE CONVERGING

INTO THE PERFECT PACKAGE

IN KATHERINE HEIGL'S

"TRICK OR... BABY?"

(chuckles) I'M JUST HAPPY

TO GET OUT OF THE APARTMENT.

HALLOWEEN IS A... DARK TIME

FOR MY GIRLFRIEND.

CANDY AND KIDS

MAKE JENNIFER FEEL FAT.

OH, MY GOD.

WAIT. IS THAT CHLOE?

WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?

SHE HATES CHICK FLICKS.

SHE SAYS THEY SEND OUT

A NEGATIVE MESSAGE

THAT WOMEN NEED TO BE

IN A RELATIONSHIP TO BE HAPPY

AND KATE HUDSON.

(slurps)

WHO IS THAT?

YOU DON'T THINK

THEY'RE TOGETHER. ARE THEY?

SHE'S REACHING OVER INTO HIS

LAP. SHE'S GONNA GRAB HIS PETER.

SHE'S GONNA GRAB HIS PETER

RIGHT HERE.

OH.

JUST POPCORN.

SHE'S NESTLING INTO HIM.

IS SHE OUT ON A DATE?

BECAUSE CHLOE DOESN'T GO OUT

ON DATES.

SHE BANGS STRANGERS

AT THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS

AND THEN STEALS

THEIR PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS.

EVERYONE PLEASE NOTICE

THAT IT'S NOT THE BLACK GUY

TALKING IN A MOVIE THEATER.

♪ BA-DA-BA... ♪

HA! I KNEW

THAT YOU'D HAVE TO PEE

AFTER ALL THAT DIET SODA

THAT YOU WERE SHARE-DRINKING.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I SAW YOU SHARING POPCORN

AND RESTING YOUR HEAD

ON A BOY'S SHOULDER.

YOU'RE ON A DATE.

OKAY, FINE. I'VE BEEN

SEEING THIS GUY BENJAMIN.

I KINDA LIKE HIM,

BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING,

BECAUSE I KNEW YOU'D MAKE

A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT.

YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND!

LOOK, WE'RE JUST HANGING OUT,

OKAY?

BUT I DO FIND MYSELF

DOODLING HEARTS

INSTEAD OF BABIES

WITH BIG BALLS.

THAT IS ADORABLE.

I WANNA MEET HIM.

WHAT? NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

YES. I'LL COOK FOR THE TWO OF

YOU, AND WE'LL ALL GET TOGETHER,

AND WE'LL PLAY SCATTERGORIES.

UGH. FINE. ONE DINNER.

BUT DO NOT MAKE

THAT FISH THING YOU MAKE.

WHAT, MY HALIBUT WHEELS?

FISH ARE NOT ROUND.

♪ BA-BA-BA-BA,

BA-BA-BA-BA ♪

SO WHERE DID YOU TWO MEET?

OH, JAMES' HALLOWEEN PARTY

LAST YEAR.

SEE? I KNEW HALLOWEEN WAS

A GOOD TIME TO MEET SOMEBODY.

THIS YEAR, MY PLAN IS TO GET

A CUTE GUY'S PHONE NUMBER.

YEAH, CHLOE WAS DRESSED

AS A FLIGHT ATTENDANT...

(piano playing

"It Had To Be You")

AND I ASKED HER

FOR MORE PEANUTS.

AND AT FIRST, I HAD NO IDEA

WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT...

RIGHT.

AND I WAS LIKE,

"GET YOUR OWN DAMN PEANUTS."

AND THEN I REALIZED,

AND I WAS LIKE,

"OH, PEANUTS."

PEANUTS.

(giggles)

YEAH, BUT WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY

START DATING

UNTIL, UH, LAST MONTH.

WE BUMPED INTO EACH OTHER

AT THE CHELSEA MARKET.

HE WAS BUYING CORN.

I LOVE CORN.

I CAN'T GET ENOUGH CORN.

AND I WAS BUYING ROSEMARY-MINT

BATH SALTS FOR MY DRY SKIN.

NO, YOU SAID THAT YOU'D HEARD

THAT IF YOU SMOKED THEM,

YOU'D TRY TO CUT OUT

A PERSON'S TONGUE AND EAT IT.

THAT IS WHAT I SAID.

REMEMBER?

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

AND I THOUGHT

IT WAS SO CHARMING.

I CAN BE CHARMING.

AND, UH, YEAH,

WE'VE BEEN SPENDING TIME

TOGETHER EVER SINCE.

EVER SINCE.

WOW.

YOU GUYS...

YOU GUYS ARE PERFECT TOGETHER.

I AGREE.

YOU TWO ARE ADORBS.

THANKS, ELI.

(knock on door)

OH.

SOMEONE ORDER A STRIPPER?

♪ MM, MM, MM, MM ♪

M-MAY I HELP YOU?

HEY, MAN. GUYS,

THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND ZONK.

I TOLD HIM TO MEET ME HERE.

WE'RE GONNA HEAD

TO THE HOCKEY GAME.

(snorts and swallows)

DID YOU JUST SUMMON UP SNOT

ONLY TO SWALLOW IT DOWN?

I DID. CHICKS LIKE IT.

THAT AND THE WAY

I EAT PEACHES.

(Benjamin) I'LL CALL YOU

LATER, SWEETIE.

OKAY, BYE. MM.

(kisses) BYE.

ADIEU.

(Chloe) OKAY, BYE.

SEE YOU LATER.

BYE.

CHLOE, I AM SHOCKED.

(door closes)

I NEVER PEGGED YOU

AS THE RELATIONSHIP TYPE,

BUT BENJAMIN IS SO GREAT.

YOU GUYS SEEM

SO HAPPY TOGETHER,

AND YOU COULD TELL THAT

HE REALLY--HE REALLY LIKES YOU.

REALLY? DO YOU THINK SO?

OH, ABSOLUTELY.

THIS IS MY AREA OF EXPERTISE.

GREAT. SO IT'LL HURT THAT MUCH

MORE WHEN I TOTALLY DESTROY HIM!

(squeals) OH,

I WOULD THROW MY HEAD BACK

AND DO MY EVIL HALLOWEEN LAUGH,

BUT MY NECK HURTS

AND MY THROAT

KINDA DOES, TOO.

(door slams)

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

"DESTROY HIM"?

EVERY HALLOWEEN, I PICK

A PERSON WHO ANNOYS ME,

I FIGURE OUT

THEIR DEEPEST, DARKEST FEARS--

WHAT WOULD PSYCHOLOGICALLY

BREAK THEM

AND RUIN THEIR LIVES

FOREVER--

AND THEN THE NEXT HALLOWEEN,

I DO IT.

♪♪♪

(man) WAIT.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN "THE WIRE"?

I'M GONNA SPEND THE NEXT HOUR

TELLING YOU HOW GOOD IT IS.

GOT IT.

...GOES TO THE DOCKS.

FIVE SEASONS...

YOU WERE MY HYPNOTIST?

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME

QUIT SMOKING,

NOT START TOUCHING MY JUNK

IN PUBLIC.

WELL, YOU STOPPED SMOKING,

DIDN'T YOU?

YES, BECAUSE MY HANDS ARE ALWAYS

BUSY TOUCHING MY JUNK.

AND WHY DID YOU MAKE

THE TRIGGER WORD MY NAME?

HEY, VICTOR.

OH, NO.

♪♪♪

I STRUGGLE WITH IT BECAUSE

I'M SUCH A PRIVATE PERSON,

BUT FINALLY, I WAS LIKE,

"YES, CHELSEA CLINTON,

I WILL BE IN YOUR WEDDING."

GOT IT.

YOU WERE MY NUTRITIONIST?

I COOKED EVERYTHING WITH LARD.

EVERYTHING.

♪♪♪

THAT'S WHY I LOVE

BEING A DIRECTOR--

CRAFTING MOMENTS, TAKING

THE AUDIENCE ON A JOURNEY--

AND THAT'S WHY

IT WAS SO SATISFYING

DIRECTING YOU

IN "LOVE MONSTER."

SOME OF MY BEST WORK.

(sighs)

GOT IT.

YOU KNOW, EVERYONE TOLD ME--

THEY SAID,

"DON'T SIGN ON

TO A CHICK FLICK

WHERE YOU FALL IN LOVE

WITH A GIANT PINK PUPPET,"

BUT I SAID TO THEM--

I SAID, "NO...

I NEED MONEY."

(clink)

I HAD TO DIG DEEP

TO FIND HIS BIGGEST FEAR

AND THEN CONSTRUCT

THE PERFECT TRICK.

I NEEDED TO MAKE HIM

FALL IN LOVE

WITH A WOMAN WHO REMINDED HIM

OF HIS MOTHER.

SHE WALKED OUT ON HIM

WHEN HE WAS 7 YEARS OLD,

AND THEY WERE WATCHING

"FACTS OF LIFE,"

AND SHE NEVER CAME BACK.

I'D HAVE TO DO

THE OLD PUMP AND DUMP.

IS THAT A THING?

IT IS,

AND I'LL EXPLAIN IT NOW.

THE PUMP AND DUMP--HAVE SEX

WITH HIM IN HIS CHILDHOOD BED

WHILE LISTENING TO THE THEME

SONG OF "FACTS OF LIFE"

AND THEN DUMP HIM.

NO WAY. I DO NOT BUY THIS

FOR ONE SECOND.

I SAW YOU AND BENJAMIN TOGETHER.

YOU GUYS WERE SO GREAT.

I MEAN, YOU GUYS--YOU WERE

FINISHING EACH OTHER'S--

SENTENCES? YES, I COULD

DO THAT WITH ANYONE.

BUT IT'S SO--

BRILLIANT.

YES, I AM KIND OF A--

BITCH?

GENIUS. SEE? YOU CAN'T DO IT.

OF ALL OF CHLOE'S SICK PLANS,

THIS ONE IS THE SICKEST.

I MEAN, DOESN'T SHE REALIZE THAT

CUTE FUNNY GUYS LIKE BENJAMIN

ARE HARD TO FIND?

THEY DON'T EXIST.

I MEAN, THEY SOMETIMES DO.

ESPECIALLY ONES THAT YOU FEEL

COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE AROUND.

UH...

(exhales)

LOOK, JUNE, LOOK,

I THINK IT'S GREAT

THAT YOU CARE

ABOUT YOUR FRIEND,

BUT MAYBE JUST CONCENTRATE ON

HAVING YOUR OWN FUN HALLOWEEN.

NO. I NEED TO MAKE CHLOE

CHANGE HER MIND

AND GIVE LOVE A SHOT.

(dance music playing)

(indistinct conversations)

♪ I WANNA BE EVERYTHING ♪

♪ I WANNA SEE EVERYTHING ♪

♪ I WANNA FEEL... ♪

A LADY HOBBIT?

THAT'S AWESOME.

OH, THANKS. IT'S REFLECTIVE

OF MY JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY.

AND PLUS, I WAS LIKE, WHAT DOES

EVERY SINGLE GIRL WANT? A RING.

SOME GUYS WANT THAT, TOO.

EXCUSE ME FOR JUST A SECOND.

SORRY.

BYE.

MM.

OH, MY GOD! OH, NO.

YOUR FIRST SINGLE HALLOWEEN

IN 40 YEARS,

AND THIS IS YOUR COSTUME?!

IT IS REFLECTIVE

OF MY JOURNEY--

YOU HAVE HAIR ON YOUR FEET!

IT HAS TO BE AUTHENTIC, OR ELSE

WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING?!

(sighs)

I'VE BEEN THINKING,

AND I KNOW YOU.

YOU CAN'T GO THROUGH

WITH THIS BENJAMIN THING.

OH, PLEASE.

IT'S ALL FOR THE TRICK.

I'VE ALREADY SUBCONSCIOUSLY

STARTED REMINDING HIM

OF HIS MOTHER.

SHE WAS A BUS DRIVER.

I SEXED IT UP A LITTLE BIT.

I SAW PICTURES OF HER,

AND SHE WAS NOT SEXY.

I MEAN, MAYBE TO SOME PEOPLE,

BUT NOT TO ME.

ONCE YOU REALIZE

HOW PERFECT YOU ARE TOGETHER,

YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE

TO BREAK HIS HEART.

THAT'S WHY I MADE YOU A VIDEO

ABOUT YOUR LOVE.

IT'S SET TO A TRAIN SONG,

AND I DIDN'T HAVE

ANY PICTURES OF BENJAMIN,

SO I JUST USED CLIPS OF DAVE

FROM "HAPPY ENDINGS."

(Train) ♪ HEY, SOUL SISTER ♪

♪ AIN'T THAT MISTER MISTER ♪

♪ ON THE RADIO STEREO ♪

♪ THE WAY YOU MOVE AIN'T FAIR,

YOU KNOW ♪

♪♪♪

(James) WHY IS

MY WEEKEND DOORMAN MARIO HERE?

HE CAME!

(doorbell rings)

HUH.

UGH. UH, THAT IS NOT POSITIVE.

TAKE THAT OFF IMMEDIATELY.

LUTHER, GRAB THE EMERGENCY

PIKACHU COSTUME.

NO, I'M A DEVIL.

I'M NOT PLAYING YOUR GAME.

YOU THINK

BECAUSE YOU'RE A CELEBRITY

YOU CAN CHANGE THE MEANING

OF THE HOLIDAY?

YES.

JUST SAY THE WORD, JAMES.

SAY THE WORD, AND I WILL TASE

THIS GENTLEMAN--MARIO.

HI. I'M A CHERUB.

(giggles)

♪ TONIGHT ♪

(glass shatters)

YOU'RE A PRETTY GOOD EDITOR.

OKAY. IF YOU WON'T STOP

THIS TRICK, THEN I WILL.

FINE. GO AND TELL HIM. THERE'S

NO WAY HE'S GONNA BELIEVE YOU.

HE'S IN THE BATHROOM.

YOU KNOW,

I'M ACTUALLY A FIREMAN.

WE WILL NEVER FORGET.

(chuckles)

SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG.

I HAVE TO TAKE OFF

ALL MY CLOTHES TO GO.

(cell phone alert chimes)

UGH.

(whispers) I TOOK A SHOWER.

A TROPHY

FOR SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING.

SO COOL.

YOU KNOW,

NO GIRL I'VE DATED

HAS EVER WANTED TO SEE

WHERE I GREW UP BEFORE.

AT LEAST NOT SO EARLY ON.

WELL, I GUESS IT MAKES ME FEEL

THAT MUCH CLOSER TO YOU.

SHOULD I PUT SOME MUSIC ON?

SURE.

♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,

YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪

♪ YOU TAKE THEM BOTH

AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE,

THE FACTS OF LIFE... ♪

IS THAT "THE FACTS OF LIFE"

THEME SONG?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. IS IT?

I JUST PUT IT ON RANDOM.

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ WHEN THE WORLD

NEVER SEEMS... ♪

OH, MY GOD. IS THAT YOU?

YOUR HAIR WAS HUGE.

YEAH.

YEAH. MY MOM GOT A PERM,

AND I WANTED TO BE

JUST LIKE HER.

I DID EVERYTHING MY MOM DID,

YOU KNOW, OTHER THAN

ABANDON OUR FAMILY.

♪ ...ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ IT TAKES A LOT

TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪

♪ YOU'RE LEARNING

THE FACTS... ♪

I CAN'T DO THIS.

IS IT THE SONG?

NO. THE SONG IS PERFECT.

(turns song off)

IT'S, UM...

LOOK,

BEN...

WE HAVEN'T REALLY

BEEN DATING.

I'VE BEEN PLAYING

A HALLOWEEN TRICK ON YOU.

I'VE BEEN MAKING

YOUR DEEPEST FEARS COME TRUE

BY REMINDING YOU

OF YOUR MOTHER

AND THEN HAVING SEX WITH YOU

AND DUMPING YOU.

BUT I CAN'T DO IT.

YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY,

AND THIS DOESN'T FEEL FUN

ANYMORE. (sighs)

(Australian accent) I KNOW.

WHAT?

I SAID I KNOW.

ARE YOU AUSTRALIAN?

YES. INDEED I AM.

I'VE BEEN ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU

THIS WHOLE TIME, CHLOE.

(clicks tongue) I HAVE BEEN

WATCHING AND ADMIRING YOUR WORK

FOR YEARS.

YOU WERE MY HYPNOTIST?

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO

HELP ME QUIT SMOKING.

YOU WERE MY NUTRITIONIST?

YEAH, THE LOVE SCENES

WERE A CHALLENGE.

WHAT'S THAT GIRL'S DEAL?

WHAT, CHLOE?

OH. (laughs)

HER IDEA OF A HALLOWEEN TRICK

IS TO COMPLETELY RUIN

SOMEBODY'S LIFE.

YOU KNOW,

SHE'S ONE OF THE PEOPLE

WHO TOLD ME

NOT TO DO "LOVE MONSTER."

SHE ABSOLUTELY HATES

CHICK FLICKS.

GOT IT.

THE MOMENT YOU STARTED

BEING NICE TO ME THAT NIGHT,

I REALIZED

I WAS YOUR NEXT TARGET,

SO THEN I STARTED

MY HALLOWEEN TRICK

OF MAKING YOUR BIGGEST FEARS

COME TRUE...

BY FORCING YOU

TO LIVE A CHICK FLICK.

THAT IS MY BIGGEST FEAR.

YEAH.

HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

THINK ABOUT IT.

WHEN I TOLD YOU

THAT MY MOTHER WALKED ON ME,

WHERE WERE WE?

ON A CARRIAGE RIDE

IN CENTRAL PARK.

AND WHEN I TOLD YOU

I HAD TROUBLE

TRUSTING WOMEN AFTER THAT?

WE WERE HAVING

A GOOD-NATURED SNOWBALL FIGHT.

DON'T YOU SEE?

THIS WHOLE TIME I'VE BEEN

"REVEALING" MYSELF TO YOU,

WE WERE ACTING OUT

CHICK FLICK CLICHES.

BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOTHER?

SPOKE TO HER YESTERDAY.

SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT TAKING

A TRIP TO LAOS TOGETHER.

SO YOU WERE THE ONE

TRICKING ME?

OH, IT'S NOT OVER.

WE'RE ONLY AT THE END

OF ACT TWO--

YOU REALIZING THAT YOU CARE

TOO MUCH ABOUT ME

TO GO THROUGH

WITH YOUR TRICK.

YOU'VE DEVELOPED REAL FEELINGS

FOR ME.

NO, I HAVEN'T.

WELL, I'M FLYING OUT OF

LaGUARDIA AT NOON TOMORROW

TO SHOOT A NEW MOVIE

IN PRAGUE.

WHO KNOWS IF WE'LL EVER

SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.

UNLESS...

YOU CHASE ME DOWN

IN THE AIRPORT

AND MAKE A HEARTFELT PLEA

FOR LOVE.

GOOD LUCK

NOT MEETING ME THERE.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

IS THIS EVEN YOUR HOUSE?

NOPE. A FURNISHED RENTAL.

(door slams)

BENJAMIN WAS TRICKING YOU?

I CANNOT BELIEVE HE BEAT ME

AT MY OWN GAME.

FORCING ME TO LIVE

IN A CHICK FLICK?!

NO, THAT--THAT IS NOT TRUE.

I AM THE QUEEN OF CHICK FLICKS.

(rattling)

I KNOW EVERY BEAT.

IF THIS WERE A CHICK FLICK--

YOU'D BE THE QUIRKY,

UNLUCKY-IN-LOVE BEST FRIEND.

WHAT?

YOU GIVE ADVICE

TO THE MAIN CHARACTER,

YOU PUT ASIDE YOUR OWN AGENDA

TO SERVICE HERS.

NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY

BENJAMIN'S FRIEND WAS SO GROSS.

FOR THIS.

FOR YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ZONK IS THE GUY THAT YOU END UP

WITH IN THE MOVIE.

HE'S THE JONAH HILL/JIM BELUSHI/

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

TO YOUR JOAN CUSACK/LISA KUDROW/

JANEANE GAROFALO.

I AM NOT

THE SUPPORTING PLAYER.

AM I?

I CAN'T GO TO THE AIRPORT

BECAUSE THEN BENJAMIN WILL WIN!

BUT IF I DON'T GO, THEN HE WILL

HAVE HAD THE LAST CON,

AND HE STILL WINS!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

I SUDDENLY HAVE

THE URGE TO BAKE.

I WANT TO PUT ON SWEATPANTS

AND BAKE, FOR SOME REASON.

OH, GOD.

TURN IT ON, JUNE.

(sobs)

TAKE IT OFF.

NO.

TAKE IT OFF.

I'LL TAKE OFF MY COSTUME

IF YOU TAKE OFF YOUR FEAR.

UM, OKAY.

SO I'M GONNA GO.

YOU KNOW WHO THAT WAS?

(door opens and closes)

THAT WAS

THE LAST GIRL STANDING.

SHE WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO LEAVE

SO SHE COULD HAVE SEX WITH ME,

BUT YOU NEVER DID.

SO NOW CHEYENNE HAS TO GO BACK

TO WORK AT THE PHARMACY

HAVING NOT HAD SEX

WITH A TV STAR.

YOU RUINED HER LIFE

AND MY PARTY.

YOU RUINED YOUR PARTY.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MAN?

WHAT IS UNDERNEATH

THIS FEAR OF HALLOWEEN?

I JUST THINK IT'S SCARY.

YES,

BUT WHAT'S UNDERNEATH THAT?

NOTHING.

I JUST DON'T LIKE SCARY STUFF.

MAYBE YOU WERE THE ONE

AVOIDING THAT SEXY BUNNY GIRL.

BECAUSE MAYBE YOU'D HIT IT OFF

AND YOU'D GO OUT ON A DATE

WITH HER

AND YOU'D EVENTUALLY

MOVE IN TOGETHER TOO SOON

BECAUSE HER PARENTS COSIGNED

ON AN APARTMENT

IN THE MEATPACKING DISTRICT

WITH NOT ENOUGH ROOM

FOR YOUR RECORDS

AND HER MADAME ALEXANDER

DOLL COLLECTION!

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU.

YEAH, I DON'T LOVE

MY GIRLFRIEND!

I WIN.

MARIO DOESN'T LIKE TO HOLD HANDS

ON THE SUBWAY.

I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST...

(clicks tongue) I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, WE'LL SEE,

BUT... I DON'T KNOW.

(cell phone rings)

MARK, WHERE ARE YOU?

WE ARE SLAMMED.

IT IS THE POST-HALLOWEEN,

HUNGOVER, WALK-OF-SHAME CROWD.

I JUST HAD

A PRETTY INTENSE REALIZATION.

CAN YOU COVER FOR ME?

YEAH, IT'S NOT LIKE

I'VE GOT ANYTHING GOING ON

IN MY OWN LIFE--

GOOD. THANKS. BYE.

(sighs)

NO ONE CARES WHAT'S GOING ON

IN MY LIFE.

I WANTED TO GET

A GUY'S PHONE NUMBER,

AND I WALKED AWAY FROM

A CUTE FIREMAN JUST TO HELP--

(Zonk snorts and swallows)

AHH.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO

WITH THOSE TWO, HUH?

NOPE. NO, ZONK,

I'M NOT DOING THIS.

I AM NOT GONNA BE

THE QUIRKY BEST FRIEND

WHO IS MORE INVOLVED WITH

CHLOE'S LOVE LIFE THAN MY OWN.

BUT I HAVE INFO

THAT COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING.

BENJAMIN'S NOT GONNA DIRECT

"LOVE MONSTER 2."

HE BACKED OUT BECAUSE OF

CHLOE'S HATRED OF CHICK FLICKS.

DON'T YOU GET IT?

HE REALLY DOES LIKE HER.

THIS WASN'T ALL JUST A SCAM.

THAT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

(whispers) EXCEPT EVERYTHING.

ZONK JUST TOLD ME

THAT BENJAMIN TURNED DOWN

DIRECTING "LOVE MONSTER 2"

BECAUSE OF YOU.

I MEAN, DON'T YOU GET IT?

HE REALLY LIKES YOU.

YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE AIRPORT.

YEAH. I KNOW.

I'M ON MY WAY THERE NOW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU KNOW?

I TALKED TO A BEE.

A WHAT?

A BUMBLEBEE.

(Chloe) I WAS GOING OUT

TO GET FLOUR AND EGGS

FOR MY SUDDEN BAKING URGE,

FURIOUS ABOUT BEING CONNED

BY BENJAMIN,

WHEN I FELL INTO STEP

WITH THIS BEE.

SHE NOTICED I LOOKED

WELL RESTED,

NOT HUNGOVER, AND THAT

I SMELLED OF DEODORANT,

WHICH MEANS I MUST'VE SLEPT

AT MY OWN PLACE,

WHICH IS UNUSUAL

FOR HALLOWEEN NIGHT.

SHE ASKED ME, POINTING AT

MY HEART, "WHO GOT IN THERE?"

I WAS TAKEN ABACK THAT

SHE COULD READ ME SO QUICKLY,

SO I ASKED IF SHE WANTED

TO GRAB A CUP OF COFFEE.

WELL, I GOT A COFFEE.

THE BEE ATE

A FULL LUMBERJACK MEAL.

GIRLFRIEND WAS FAMISHED.

ANYWAY, SHE MADE ME REALIZE WHY

CHICK FLICKS ARE SO POPULAR.

BECAUSE DEEP DOWN, EVERYONE,

NO MATTER HOW CYNICAL,

WANTS A HAPPY ENDING.

SHE TOLD ME THAT THE ONLY WAY

OUT OF A CHICK FLICK

IS THROUGH IT,

THAT IT'S NOT WHETHER I GO

TO THE AIRPORT OR NOT,

IT'S WHAT I DO WHEN I GET THERE

THAT MATTERS.

SO I'M ON MY WAY

TO THE AIRPORT NOW.

WAIT. SO I DIDN'T HELP YOU

AT ALL?

WELL, I LIKE TO BE ON THE PHONE

WHEN I HAIL A CAB, SO KINDA.

WOW. I AM SO GLAD SOMEBODY ELSE

HELPED YOU FIGURE THIS OUT.

MAYBE I'M NOT JUST

THE SUPPORTING PLAYER AFTER ALL.

(cell phone alert chimes)

("PM's Love Theme"

from "Love Actually" playing)

(woman over P.A.) CHLOE, PLEASE

PICK UP A WHITE COURTESY PHONE.

HELLO?

(Benjamin) I KNEW YOU'D COME.

I HAD TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I LIKE YOU.

(laughs) YEAH. RIGHT.

(receiver clatters)

NO, I REALLY DO.

YES, IT STARTED OUT

AS A TRICK,

UNTIL I REALIZED THAT

YOU WERE MESSING WITH ME,

AND NO ONE'S EVER BEAT ME

AT MY OWN GAME BEFORE.

I LIKE YOU.

I...

I CAN'T TELL

WHAT'S HAPPENING.

I KNOW.

YOU'RE WONDERING,

IS SHE STILL MESSING WITH ME

OR IS SHE FINALLY

BEING HONEST?

BECAUSE MAYBE HER BIGGEST FEAR

ISN'T BEING IN A CHICK FLICK

BUT ACTUALLY HAVING FEELINGS

FOR SOMEONE.

THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW,

WHICH MEANS I WIN.

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA

REPORT ME AS A TERRORIST,

SO I TOLD T.S.A. YOU HAVE

A SWITCHBLADE IN YOUR PURSE.

BUT I DON'T.

YOU DO.

(click)

COME ON.

(police radio chatter)

WAIT. I'M CONFUSED.

SO--SO YOU LIKE ME?

DO I?

YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA

SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN, RIGHT?

THIS ISN'T THE END

OF OUR STORY.

I KNOW.

SEE YOU IN THE SEQUEL.

OH, PLEASE. THE SEQUEL'S NEVER

AS GOOD AS THE ORIGINAL.

MIND YOUR OWN WEAVE-WAX,

SWEETIE.

(door slams)

EXCUSE ME.

I'VE BEEN

TO EVERY FIREHOUSE IN MANHATTAN.

I'M TRYING TO FIND THIS CUTE

FIREMAN THAT I MET ON HALLOWEEN.

(pole squeaks)

'SUP?

NO!

GOD! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

BELIEVE IT.

THIS IS HAPPENING.

ARE YOU EVEN IN SHAPE ENOUGH

TO BE A FIREMAN?

I'M THE COOK.

FRANKLIN ZONKOWSKI,

FIREHOUSE CHEF.

THEY LET ME SLIDE DOWN THE POLE

WHEN I GOT A BITCH TO IMPRESS.

UGH.

THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.