Original subtitles

(June) WHEN I MOVED

TO MANHATTAN FROM INDIANA

A FEW MONTHS AGO,

I THOUGHT OF IT

AS THE NEXT STEP

IN MY LIFE PLAN.

I HAD NO IDEA THAT

I WAS GONNA MOVE IN

WITH A GIRL THAT I MET

ON craigslist

WHO WAS BASICALLY, WELL,

CRAZY, IN A GREAT WAY,

AND SOMETIMES

A NOT-SO-GREAT WAY.

IT'S BEEN HARD AND FUN

AND HARD,

BUT WHAT'S MADE IT EASIER

HAS BEEN

THE NEW FRIENDS I'VE MADE

ALONG THE WAY,

WHICH IS WHY IT'S SO DIFFICULT

TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO ONE OF THEM

RIGHT NOW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE

AT JAMES VAN DER BEEK'S FUNERAL.

JAMES VAN DER BEEK'S VIKING

FUNERAL IN CENTRAL PARK, JUNE.

DON'T UNDERDESCRIBE

THE AWESOMENESS.

JUST HOW ILLEGAL IS THIS?

ABOUT AS ILLEGAL AS THAT

PANDA FAT EYE CREAM YOU USE.

YOU USE PANDA ON YOUR FACE?

LUTHER IS 76 YEARS OLD.

SHUT... UP... BITCH.

(clicks tongue)

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

HEY, CHLOE.

HEY, JUNE.

(door closes)

OH, HEY, JUNE, COME HERE.

COME SIT BY ME.

I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

COME ON.

GOOD. SIT.

OKAY, COME CLOSE.

(whispers) YOUR SWEATER

LOOKS LIKE

A PUMPKIN MATED WITH A TURD.

(inhales sharply)

I THOUGHT YOU WERE

GONNA GIVE ME A HUG.

NOPE.

NO.

(singsongy) IT CAME!

OOH! READ IT! READ IT!

"DEAR, JAMES,

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR--

"THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE SERIES

FINALE OF 'DAWSON'S CREEK.'

"CAN YOU BELIEVE

IT'S BEEN ALMOST TEN YEARS

"SINCE IT WENT OFF THE AIR???

"WE THOUGHT WE'D WRITE YOU AGAIN

TO SEE IF YOU'D BE INTERESTED

"IN DOING A REUNION SHOW.

"AS ALWAYS, WE'RE IN IF YOU ARE.

"SINCERELY, MICHELLE, KATIE,

AND JOSH."

HOLY WOW!

OH, LET ME TOUCH--

TOO BAD

IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

(laughs)

WAIT, JAMES.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

THEY SEND ME

ONE OF THOSE EVERY YEAR.

LISTEN, THEY CAN GET NOMINATED

FOR ALL THE OSCARS THEY WANT,

YOU DON'T PUT THE BEATLES BACK

TOGETHER WITHOUT JOHN LENNON.

AND I'M LENNON AND McCARTNEY,

BITCH.

YEAH, YOU ARE!

YOU ARE A KING, JAMES.

(gasps) KING JAMES.

LIKE THE BIBLE.

LET'S GO OUT AND CELEBRATE

HOW AWESOME YOU ARE.

ABSOLUTELY. ANYTHING YOU WANNA

DO, YOU JUST NAME IT.

(squeals)

(electronic music playing)

(speaks indistinctly)

(giggles) BYE. CHARGE LESS

FOR YOUR MAGAZINE.

HMM.

BIG-ASS HAT.

SEND IN THE TALL

AND SKINNIES.

JUNE, ARE YOU FEELING OKAY?

YOU'RE ANGRILY DECRUMBING

THE MUFFIN CASE.

JAMES WON'T DO

A "DAWSON'S CREEK" REUNION.

I COULD ASK THAT QUESTION

A THOUSAND TIMES

AND STILL NOT BELIEVE

THAT'S YOUR ANSWER.

THE REST OF THE CAST IS IN,

BUT JAMES

WON'T EVEN CONSIDER IT.

HE LIKES SAYING NO TO THEM

BECAUSE IT MAKES HIM

FEEL LIKE A BIG SHOT.

YOU SEEM REALLY UPSET

ABOUT THIS.

YOU KNOW, GROWING UP IN INDIANA,

THAT SHOW WAS A RELIGION.

MY FRIENDS AND I--

WE WERE OBSESSED WITH IT.

OKAY, I GET IT.

LIKE "MOESHA" WAS FOR ME.

I'M JUST KIDDING. I JUST SAID

THAT BECAUSE I'M BLACK.

(laughs) I NEVER WATCHED

"MOESHA."

CELESTE, TORI, MARGARET, AND I

MEMORIZED EVERY EPISODE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME

IT WOULD BE IF I CALLED THEM UP

AND TOLD THEM THAT JAMES WAS

DOING A REUNION SHOW?

IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE

I HAD SOME GOOD NEWS.

I LOST THE JOB THAT

I MOVED TO NEW YORK FOR,

I BROKE UP WITH MY FIANCE,

AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT

MY BOOBS HAVE DECREASED A CUP

SIZE BECAUSE OF ALL THE SADNESS.

WHY WON'T JAMES DO THIS

FOR ME?

JUNE, IF IT'S

THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU,

TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT.

WHEN YOU GET PASSIONATE ABOUT

SOMETHING, YOU'RE HARD TO STOP.

REMEMBER YOUR WHOLE THING

AGAINST YELLOW RAISINS?

ALBINO ABOMINATIONS OF NATURE!

HEY. HEY.

YOU CONVINCED ME, OKAY?

I'M CONVINCED.

JUNE, YOU GOT CRAZY EYES.

(Chloe sighs)

I LOVE IT

WHEN THE MODELS FALL.

THEY'RE LIKE GIRAFFES

COLLAPSING IN THE JUNGLE.

OOH! GOOD WORK, MARBLES.

(can rattles, projector clicks)

846,251

IS THE NUMBER OF TEENAGE GIRLS

WHO WATCHED THE FINALE

OF "DAWSON'S CREEK."

(click)

I WAS ONE OF THEM.

(laughs)

(click)

AND SO WAS CELESTE...

(click)

MARGARET...

(click)

AND TORI.

DID THESE GIRLS DIE

IN A DRUNK-DRIVING ACCIDENT

OR SOMETHING?

IS THIS A MEMORIAL/INTERVENTION/

(snores)?

YOUR SHOW REFLECTED WHAT WAS

GOING ON IN OUR LIVES.

WHEN AARON DeMAYO BROKE UP

WITH ME IN SEVENTH GRADE,

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE,

AND THEN I TURNED ON THE TV,

AND GRAMS GOT THE DIAGNOSIS.

CANCER.

SHE WAS REALLY GOING TO DIE.

THE WAY YOU DEALT WITH THAT,

YOUR STRENGTH--

IT GAVE ME STRENGTH,

AND WE GOT THROUGH IT,

TOGETHER.

RACK ATTACK! RACK ATTACK!

RACK ATTACK!

RACK ATTACK!

CHLOE, PLEASE,

JUNE IS IN THE MIDDLE

OF A MAKESHIFT LIVING ROOM

PRESENTATION.

THOSE GIRLS WHO WATCHED YOU

ON TV...

(click)

THEY'RE NOW HAVING

DAUGHTERS OF THEIR OWN.

ONE WOMAN...

(click)

BECOMES TWO.

INDIAN.

WOMAN.

INDIAN. WOMAN.

IT'S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE,

JAMES.

(click)

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BREAK

THAT CIRCLE?

OH, MY GOD. THIS IS SO LAME.

IT IS LAME...

OF ME FOR PUTTING THIS OFF

FOR SO LONG.

WHAT?

I CAN'T BELIEVE

HOW SELFISH I'VE BEEN.

CRUMPLING UP THOSE LETTERS

EVERY YEAR JUST 'CAUSE I CAN.

THIS IS BIGGER THAN ME.

I-I NEED TO DO A REUNION

FOR THE FANS.

I'M KING JAMES,

THE LION KING.

(laughs)

(door closes)

JUNE, WHAT THE HELL?

WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH WHETHER

OR NOT JAMES HAS A REUNION?

BECAUSE THE LETTERS HE GETS

FROM THE CAST ARE FAKE.

I'M THE ONE

WHO'S BEEN WRITING THEM

AND SENDING THEM

TO HIM EVERY YEAR.

VINDALOO.

(door closes)

YOU'VE BEEN WRITING

FAKE LETTERS EVERY YEAR?

YES. SEE? I EVEN USED THE SAME

PEN TO SIGN ALL THREE NAMES.

I SPELLED "HOLMES" WRONG.

I SHOULD REALLY TRY HARDER.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

WHEN JAMES GETS TO TURN DOWN

KATIE, MICHELLE, AND JOSH

EVERY YEAR,

IT MAKES HIM FEEL

REALLY POWERFUL,

AND ON THAT DAY, I CAN ASK HIM

FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD,

AND HE WON'T REFUSE ME,

JUST LIKE DON CORLEONE

ON THE DAY OF HIS DAUGHTER'S

WEDDING IN "THE GODFATHER."

("Tarantella" playing)

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE TRANQ-ING

A HOT AUSTRIAN DUDE

AND HEARING THE BODY FALL.

TRANQ SEX--IT'S CONSENSUAL.

YOU ARE SO MANIPULATIVE

AND SELFISH.

OKAY, THAT'S TRUE. I AM.

BUT I'M ALSO DOING THIS

FOR JAMES.

HE SHOULDN'T RELIVE THE PAST BY

DOING SOME STUPID REUNION SHOW.

THERE'S NO POINT

IN LOOKING BACK.

YOU HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD,

LIKE A SHARK

OR A TRANQ DART.

JUST BECAUSE NO ONE IN THE CAST

HAS INITIATED A REUNION

DOESN'T MEAN

THAT IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE

THAT IT HAPPENS.

WELL, I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE

THAT IT DOESN'T.

IF WE CALL MICHELLE FIRST, THEN

EVERYONE ELSE WILL GET ON BOARD.

BUT WE CAN'T CALL JOSH LAST

'CAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE

HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME.

I THINK YOU SHOULD CALL KATIE

FIRST. I LOVE HER.

I'VE GONE AS HER

FOR THE PAST EIGHT HALLOWEENS.

NO.

JUNE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

(clicks tongue) OKAY.

MAKING SURE CHLOE DOESN'T DO

ANYTHING SNEAKY

TO TRY TO STOP YOU FROM

MAKING THOSE PHONE CALLS.

SHE'S CLEVER AND SUBTLE,

LIKE A CAT.

SHE'LL LURK IN THE SHADOWS

AND BLEND IN

WITH THE BACKGROUND,

AND THEN ONCE SHE'S LURED YOU IN

TO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY,

SHE'LL QUIETLY JUST--

♪♪♪

(slo-mo voice) NO!

(pants)

MY BEEF ISN'T WITH YOU,

LUTHER.

THANK YOU.

(Luther) OH!

(thud)

THAT WASN'T FOR ANYTHING.

THAT WAS JUST FOR FUN.

(Luther) YOU SHOT ME

IN THE BOOTY.

CHLOE, WHAT THE HELL?!

RELAX.

IT'S JUST TRANQ DARTS.

I LOADED THEM WITH 12 TURKEYS'

WORTH OF TRYPTOPHAN.

SHE'LL WAKE UP IN A FEW HOURS

AND FEEL LIKE SHE HAD

NINE THANKSGIVING DINNERS.

(voice echoes)

WHAT ARE THOSE?

MAKE IT STOP.

MAKE IT STOP.

(Steve Carlisle) ♪ BABY... ♪

SHH. SHH. SHH. IT'S OKAY.

MAKE IT STOP.

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OVER.

♪ WONDERED

WHATEVER BECAME OF ME ♪

(slurring)

IS THAT THE THEME

FROM "WKRP IN CINCINNATI"?

JAMES AND I JUST SPENT

THE LAST SIX HOURS

WATCHING

BAD REUNION SHOWS--

"GROWING PAINS, "DYNASTY,"

"THE FACTS OF LIFE GO TO PARIS."

THEY WERE ALL WEARING BERETS.

EVEN TOOTIE?

ESPECIALLY TOOTIE.

I CAN'T DO IT, JUNE.

I CAN'T DO THE REUNION.

WHAT? NO.

JAMES, CHLOE HAS BEEN--

FAKING THE LETTERS TO ME EVERY

YEAR? YEAH, I KNOW. SHE TOLD ME.

SHE SAVED ME FROM MAKING

THE BIGGEST MISTAKE

OF MY CAREER.

SHE CARES ENOUGH TO NOT

LET ME TARNISH MY LEGACY

BY DOING SOME TERRIBLE REUNION

SHOW. THAT'S IT. I'M OUT.

IT'S OVER.

(slurring) I'D LIKE TO TALK

TO THE LIAR IN THIS ROOM.

CAN THE LIAR IN THIS ROOM

PLEASE COME TO THE DOOR?

LUTHER WOULD LIKE

TO TALK TO HER.

(Gerry Rafferty's "Baker Street"

playing)

(James, thinking)

CHLOE'S RIGHT.

IT'S BETTER TO LEAVE THE PAST

IN THE PAST.

I'M GLAD WE'RE NOT DOING

A REUNION SHOW.

(June, thinking)

CELESTE, TORI, AND MARGARET

WOULD'VE FREAKED OUT

IF A REUNION HAPPENED,

BUT I GUESS IT JUST

WASN'T MEANT TO BE.

(James, thinking) WELL,

IF WE WERE GOING TO DO

A REUNION SHOW,

I DID HAVE A COUPLE IDEAS.

(June, thinking) IT'S PROBABLY

BETTER THIS WAY.

I WAS BOUND TO BE

DISAPPOINTED--UNLESS I WASN'T.

UNLESS MY MIND WAS

ABOUT TO BE BLOWN.

(James, thinking) WE COULD'VE

USED THE PLATFORM

TO ADDRESS SOME REAL ISSUES,

LIKE GLOBAL WARMING.

(June, thinking) WHAT DOES

CHLOE KNOW ANYWAY?

SHE DOESN'T EVEN WATCH TV.

SHE JUST PUNCHES IT

WHEN SHE'S DRUNK.

(James, thinking) ALSO EVERYONE

LOOKED BAD

IN THOSE OTHER REUNION SHOWS.

LOOK AT ME.

I LOOK GREAT.

MY HAIR IS BETTER,

MY BODY'S BETTER,

MY ACCENT WORK IS BETTER.

EVERYTHING'S BETTER.

EVERYTHING'S TIGHTER.

JAMES?

WERE YOU JUST WALKING--

AND THINKING? YEAH.

I THINK WE SHOULD DO

A "DAWSON" REUNION.

JUST BECAUSE IT HASN'T

BEEN DONE WELL BEFORE

DOESN'T MEAN

IT CAN'T BE DONE WELL NOW.

I-IT TOOK NOT WANTING TO DO IT,

THEN WANTING TO DO IT,

THEN NOT WANTING TO DO IT

TO REALLY WANT IT.

I'M CALLING THE CAST.

(chuckles)

("Baker Street" continues

playing)

ONE WOMAN BECOMES TWO.

AND SOON THEY'LL BOTH WANT

TO MAKE LOVE TO ME.

(telephone rings)

WHAT'S UP, CELESTE? (laughs)

HEY, IT'S JUNE.

I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE,

AND I GOT OFF FACEBOOK

BECAUSE PEOPLE KEPT TAGGING ME

IN UP-ANGLE PHOTOS,

BUT, UM, I WANTED TO CALL YOU

AND TELL YOU

THAT I HAVE SOME AMAZING NEWS.

THAT "DAWSON'S CREEK" REUNION

THAT WE ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT?

IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

WHAT?

THAT SHOW WE USED TO WATCH?

CELESTE, YOU KNOW THAT

THAT IS SO JEN OF YOU.

(laughs) SORRY, JUNE,

I'M JUST REALLY BUSY.

I'M THE UNDERSECRETARY

OF COMMERCE.

I HAVE

THREE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.

I MOVED TO OMAHA, WHERE I'M

TEACHING THEORETICAL PHYSICS.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF WORKING

ON A BILL AMENDING THE TAX CODE

FOR SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS.

...TAKING MOLLY TO TENNIS CAMP,

TEACHING THE TWINS

TO RIDE A BIKE,...

...WRITING MY DISSERTATION

ON PULSARS...

ARE YOU STILL LIVING

IN THAT FABULOUS APARTMENT?

ARE YOU WORKING

ON WALL STREET?

DID YOU AND STEVEN

SET A DATE YET?

STEVEN AND I BROKE UP,

I LOST MY JOB AND MY APARTMENT,

AND NOW I WORK AT A COFFEE SHOP,

AND I LIVE WITH A GIRL

WHO I MET ON craigslist

WHO SELLS KNOCKOFF HANDBAGS

FROM HER BEDROOM WINDOW.

I THINK THAT MY BOOBS ARE

ACTUALLY SHRINKING

FROM THE SADNESS. (laughs)

(beep)

THEY'RE IN.

(door closes)

I JUST TO KATIE, JOSH,

AND MICHELLE,

AND THEY ALL SAID

THEY WOULD LOVE

TO DO A "DAWSON'S CREEK"

REUNION.

WHAT? JAMES, I THOUGHT WE AGREED

THAT'S A BAD IDEA.

(cell phone rings)

IT'S MY AGENT. DONNIE JARVIS.

WHAT'S UP, HOOKER?

WHAT'S UP, WANG BREATH?

(laughs) DAMN IT, JAMES, YOU ARE

A STAR. DO YOU KNOW THAT?

DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A STAR?

SO, UH, DID KATIE, JOSH,

AND MICHELLE'S DEALS CLOSE?

YEAH, I JUST SPOKE

WITH THEIR AGENTS,

AND THEY'RE SO EXCITED

TO DO THIS.

THEY'RE JUST NOT GONNA DO IT.

WAIT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THEY'RE

NOT GONNA--THEY SAID THEY WERE

GONNA DO IT. NOW THEY'RE SAYING

THEY'RE NOT GONNA DO IT?

NO, THEY'RE NOT SAYING THAT.

THEY WILL NEVER SAY THAT.

(chuckles)

SO THEY ARE GONNA DO IT?

YEAH, IN THE HOLLYWOOD WAY.

W-WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THEY'RE NOT GONNA DO IT.

THEY'RE INTO IT 100%.

THEY'RE JUST NOT GONNA DO IT.

DID THEY SAY WHY?

YEAH. I WROTE IT DOWN.

"THEY HATE YOU."

Yeah. They hate you.

(clicks tongue)

ASK HIM IF HE CAN GET US

"BOOK OF MORMON" TICKETS

ON THE 20th,

BUT NOT THE MATINEE.

(mouths word)

(door closes)

(door bells jingle)

BUSY, HEY.

THANK YOU FOR MEETING ME.

WE HAVE TO MAKE THIS QUICK.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE

TO SEE ME WITH YOU.

I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW

WHAT THE OTHERS WOULD DO

IF THEY FOUND OUT?

I MEAN, NO ONE'S GONNA TAKE ME

OUT TO A NICE FANCY RESTAURANT

AND ORDER

THE CHERRIES JUBILEE.

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE GONNA

TAKE ME TO CHIPPENDALES

AND LOOK AT SOME DONG WITH ME,

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

UH, YEAH.

THANKS FOR MEETING ME.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, JAMES?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT'S GOING ON.

WHY DOES EVERYBODY HATE ME?

I THOUGHT WE ENDED THE SHOW

ON SUCH GOOD TERMS.

SERIOUSLY, YOU DON'T KNOW?

NO.

YOU SHORTED US

FOR THE END-OF-THE-SHOW GIFT.

WHAT?

YOU CONVINCED THE CAST

TO BUY ROWBOATS

FOR THE ENTIRE CREW

BECAUSE IT WAS CREEK-THEMED,

AND THEN YOU NEVER PAID

YOUR SHARE.

WE WERE STUCK WITH A BILL

FOR 145 BOATS, JAMES.

I WAS ONLY ON THE STUPID SHOW

FOR TWO SEASONS.

I BARELY BROKE EVEN.

I HAD TO SELL MY HORSE CHA-CHA.

ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS A TOTAL

OVERSIGHT. I HAD NO IDEA.

WHATEVER MY SHARE WAS,

I'D BE HAPPY TO CHIP IN NOW.

NO, NO, NO. IT'S TOO LATE

FOR THAT, OKAY?

THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE EVER GOING

TO REPAIR THOSE RELATIONSHIPS.

THAT SHIP HAS SAILED,

AS IT WERE.

YEAH.

I-I ORDERED YOU SOME FOOD.

I, UH, I DON'T REALLY KNOW

WHAT GIRLS EAT.

OH, SWEETIE, WE DON'T.

WE DON'T EAT.

WE JUST LIVE IN CAVES,

HAVING OUR PERIODS,

UNTIL IT'S TIME TO HAVE SEX

WITH THE FIRST GUY

WHO BUYS US A WINE COOLER

AND REMINDS US OF OUR DAD.

SINCE IT'S HERE,

I MEAN, MUSTARD, MAYBE.

DIET SODA WOULD BE GREAT.

AND A TO-GO BOX?

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE

DOING BETTER THAN ME.

THEY ALL HATE ME.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE IN LOVE

WITH ME.

THEY DON'T WANT

TO RELIVE THE PAST.

AND WHY WOULD THEY? THEY'RE

DOING GREAT IN THE PRESENT.

I THOUGHT FOR SURE

JOSH WAS IN LOVE WITH ME.

MY LIFE WAS BETTER

TEN YEARS AGO.

MY LIFE WAS BETTER

TEN YEARS AGO.

OH, MY GOD. ARE WE

AT A BLUES BAR IN CHICAGO?

ARE WE WATCHING AN OLD LADY

RUN FOR THE BUS?

ARE WE LISTENING

TO A CAB DRIVER TALK ABOUT

HOW HE WAS A DENTIST

BACK IN PAKISTAN?

BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ARE

DEPRESSING THE HELL OUT OF ME.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY,

CHLOE?

I'M NOT THE KING ANYMORE.

SEE THIS? THIS IS WHAT

I WAS TRYING TO PREVENT,

THE REASON I TELL MY FRIENDS

NOT TO LOOK BACK.

YOU HAVE TO WALK AWAY

FROM THE PAST IN SLOW-MOTION

AS IT EXPLODES BEHIND YOU

LIKE IN A JOHN WOO MOVIE.

JUNE, YOU JUST HAD TO GO

AND MAKE THAT STUPID

PowerPoint PRESENTATION.

OH, THIS IS MY FAULT?

FINALLY, YOU ADMIT IT.

NOW GET TO YOUR ROOM AND PUT ON

SOMETHING I DON'T HATE.

THEY'RE AUTUMNAL SWEATERS,

AND BITE ME.

ARE WE DONE NOW?

CAN WE MOVE ON FROM THIS?

YEAH, WE CAN MOVE ON...

TO PLAN "B"...

SOMETHING BETTER.

SOMETHING BIGGER.

I DON'T NEED THOSE GUYS.

IT WASN'T

"PACEY, JEN, AND JOEY'S CREEK."

DON'T YOU SEE?

DOING A REUNION IS RIGHT.

IT'S RIGHT FOR US,

IT'S RIGHT FOR THE FANS,

AND IT'S RIGHT FOR US.

PLUS, DOING IT THIS WAY

WOULD BE COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED.

NOBODY WOULD SEE IT COMING.

(Muzak playing)

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

ARE YOU SHOPPING?

UH-HUH. YEAH. YEAH.

LOVE GROCERIES.

ANYWAY, "MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE"

MEETS DAWSON.

RIGHT? YOU DO A SPECIAL REUNION

EPISODE OF YOUR SHOW,

AND I'LL BE ON IT.

I'LL BE IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU.

JAMES, ENOUGH.

YOU'RE TALKING NONSENSE.

HOW'D YOU FIND ME HERE?

I DOWNLOADED "GRINDR,"

THAT GAY HOOK-UP APP,

ON YOUR PHONE.

I CAN TRACK YOU AT ALL TIMES.

(cell phone alert chimes)

(mouths words)

JAMES, COME ON.

LET'S GO HOME.

YOU'RE REALLY

UPSETTING FRANKIE.

I'M NOT UPSETTING FRANKIE.

YOU TOOK MY WHIPPED CREAM.

F-FRANKIE.

FRANKIE. FRANKIE, YOU'RE

NOT UNDERSTANDING, OKAY?

THIS COULD BE HUGE.

IT'S GONNA BE AMAZING.

I GOT MY BEST GUY WORKING

ON THE SCRIPT AS WE SPEAK.

"INTERIOR, WHITE HOUSE, DAY.

"PRESIDENT LEERY SITS

IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

APPROACHES, WEARING A...

"TASTEFUL PANTSUIT.

"DAWSON--'EXCELLENT WORK,

COPRESIDENT MALCOLM.'

"MALCOLM--'THANK YOU.'"

YOU HAVE DONE IT AGAIN,

LUTHER VANDROSS WILSON.

(laughs)

(chuckles) ALL RIGHT, JAMES,

IT WAS--IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

I'M A FAN, BUT, UH,

I'M THROWING A BARBECUE.

I REALLY NEED

TO GET MY GROCERIES.

THAT'S PERFECT!

W-WE'LL WRITE THE BARBECUE

INTO THE SCRIPT!

YOU'RE FEELING NEGLECTED 'CAUSE

YOU--YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE.

I'M FEELING SO MANY EMOTIONS,

I'M BAWLING MY EYES OUT.

HOT TEARS, GREAT FOOD--

(whoosh)

OH.

NICE SHOT.

IT'S MY GROCERY LIST.

IT'S PROBABLY

WORTH SOMETHING.

OH.

(door closes)

HI, JAMES.

HOW YOU FEELING?

MARK-PAUL GOSSELAAR?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CALLED HIM.

TA-DA!

I LOVE YOU.

WHEN I WAS 10,

I HAD A SHIH TZU,

AND I NAMED IT

DOG-PAUL GOSSELAAR.

SO DID I.

CHLOE TOLD ME ABOUT

YOUR REUNION EPISODE.

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE--

TO TELL YOU,

YOU NEED TO MOVE ON.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU DON'T--YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

DON'T I? YOU THINK I HAVEN'T

CORNERED FRANKIE MUNIZ BEFORE?

I ACCOSTED HIM AT A ZOO.

YOU SMELL AMAZING.

WHY ARE THOSE HIPPOS

ALWAYS SLEEPING?

HAVE YOU READ MY BOOK, AMIGO?

IT'S ALL ABOUT FINDING THE NOW.

YOU SEE...

I HAD TO CALL

A TIME-OUT ON MY OWN SELF.

BUMMED AROUND SOLVANG

FOR A WHILE IN A PEDAL CAR.

REALLY GOT INTO DUTCH CANDY.

WELL, IT'S ALL IN THE BOOK.

SEE, YOU AND I BOTH

BECAME FAMOUS EARLY ON

FOR AN ICONIC ROLE,

BUT WE CAN'T LET THAT ROLE

DEFINE US.

THAT'S WHY I SIGNED IT

SPECIALLY FOR YOU.

"BEST. MARK-PAUL."

TA-DA!

DAWSON LEERY

IS TALKING

TO ZACK MORRIS.

I AM SO INTO THIS.

I HOPE THEY KISS.

(Mark-Paul) ...HAVE

THE BEST YEARS IN FRONT OF YOU.

WHY AM I SO INTO THIS?

I AM A GROWN WOMAN.

I AM NOT A TEENAGER.

WHY?

WHY CAN'T I JUST MOVE ON

LIKE THE REST OF MY FRIENDS?

OH, MY GOD.

SCREW YOUR FRIENDS.

THAT STAY-AT-HOME? GUESS WHAT.

HER KIDS GROW UP AND MOVE OUT.

THE UNDERSECRETARY OF COMMERCE

OR WHATEVER?

SHE GETS REPLACED BY

THE NEXT ADMINISTRATION.

AND THE THIRD ONE? I DON'T

REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID SHE DID,

SO LET'S JUST SAY

SHE GETS HIT BY A BUS.

THE POINT IS, THEIR STORIES ARE

ALREADY WRITTEN.

YOU ARE SITTING

AT A FAME INTERVENTION

NEXT TO A HOT-ASS HO

PACKING A TRANQ GUN.

DUDE, YOUR STORY IS

JUST STARTING.

THANKS.

(Mark-Paul)

YOU HAVE A GREAT BODY...

(speaks indistinctly)

THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

SHUT UP.

YOU NEED TO GET RID

OF EVERYTHING

FROM YOUR DAWSON DAYS.

IT'S KEEPING YOU

FROM MOVING FORWARD.

I SOLD

MY BAYSIDE LETTERMAN JACKET.

THAT'S HOW I BOUGHT

MY HORSE CHA-CHA.

OH, GOD. I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I-I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT

U-UNTIL THIS HAPPENED--

HOW MUCH TIME AND ENERGY I SPENT

FOCUSED ON THAT PART OF MY LIFE.

I NEED TO PURGE THE PAST.

YOU'LL BE AMAZED

AT ALL THE GOOD THINGS

THAT START TO HAPPEN.

CELE-BRO HUG?

WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?

THAT'S THE TITLE OF CHAPTER

SEVEN. WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST MADE IT UP.

MY GHOSTWRITER, VIVIAN DANTE,

MADE THAT UP.

SHE ALSO RUNS MY TWITTER ACCOUNT

ON SUNDAYS WHEN I RIDE CHA-CHA.

(Paula Cole)

♪ I DON'T WANNA WAIT ♪

♪ FOR OUR LIVES TO BE OVER ♪

♪ I WANT TO KNOW ♪

(voice warps) ♪ RIGHT NOW

WHAT IT WILL BE ♪

THANKS FOR COMING

TO MY FUNERAL.

OF COURSE, JAMES.

WE WOULDN'T MISS IT.

SAY THE WORD, AND I'LL SING.

THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME

MOVE FORWARD.

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT

YOUR "GODFATHER" DAY.

I'LL BE SURE TO FIND

OTHER WAYS

FOR YOU TO MANIPULATE ME

OUT OF MY MONEY.

MM! I HOPE SO, FRIEND.

I'M SORRY THERE'S NO REUNION.

OH, THAT'S OKAY.

I DON'T NEED ONE ANYMORE.

AAH!

AAH!

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

OH, PROBABLY JUST

JUNE'S SWEATERS.

I'M ASSUMING

THEY'RE ALL POLYESTER.

YOU THREW MY SWEATERS

IN THERE?

COME ON, JAMES.

♪ [rock music] ♪

NEVER LOOK BACK, JAMES.

DON'T WORRY. I WON'T.

SOME OF THOSE SWEATERS

WERE EXPENSIVE.

NO, THEY WEREN'T.