Original subtitles

(June) I'VE ALWAYS

BEEN A DRIVEN PERSON.

IN HIGH SCHOOL,

I GOT STRAIGHT "A's,"

FOUNDED SEVERAL ACADEMIC CLUBS,

AND WAS PRESIDENT

OF THE DEBATE TEAM.

I WAS ALSO THE SCHOOL MASCOT.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, I WAS NEVER

ONE OF THE COOL KIDS.

♪♪♪

(man) YEAH!

JUNE! OVER HERE!

UNTIL NOW.

I SAVED YOU A SEAT! SCOOT OVER.

SOMEHOW I'VE BECOME FRIENDS

WITH THE COOLEST GIRL

IN THE WORLD.

DRINK IT, YOU SLUT.

WHOO-HOO! I'M A SLUT!

BOTTOMS UP, WHORE!

YOU'RE SAYING

SOMETHING NEGATIVE,

BUT IT SOUNDS POSITIVE.

I LOVE IT!

I FOUND IT...

MY PLACE IN THE SUN.

CAN WE GET ANOTHER ROUND,

PLEASE?

(groans)

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE NEED TO PUMP YOUR STOMACH.

YOU HAVE ALCOHOL POISONING.

(groans)

IT'S BIGGER THAN IT LOOKS.

(grunts)

LIKE, BY A LOT.

(groans)

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

COULDN'T HANG WITH CHLOE, HUH?

NO, I WAS--HUH.

I WAS--I WAS HANGING.

THIS IS PROBABLY FROM THAT, UM,

RAW HAMBURGER THAT I SLEPT-ATE.

PLEASE. I USED TO BE

CHLOE'S ROOMMATE, TOO, REMEMBER?

LOOK.

FASHION WEEK '09,

VERSACE AFTER-PARTY.

BLEW OUT MY LARYNX.

FROM TOO MUCH "WHOO-HOO"ing?

YEAH, JUNE--

FROM TOO MUCH "WHOO-HOO"ing.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DRANK

THE SAME AMOUNT THAT CHLOE DID.

CHLOE'S ABILITY TO

PROCESS ALCOHOL IS LEGENDARY,

BUT YOU,

MY SMALL-LIVERED FRIEND,

CAN'T DRINK

FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS,

WHICH MEANS YOU ARE OUT

OF CHLOE'S SOCIAL LIFE.

I HOPE YOU LIKE PAJAMA PANTS

AND POLICE PROCEDURALS.

I CAN STILL HANG

WITH CHLOE. OKAY?

THIS IS MY MOMENT IN...

IN THE SUN...

(gagging)

YEP.

ONCE YOU'VE FELT THE SUN

ON YOUR SKIN,

THE SHADE CAN FEEL

ESPECIALLY COLD.

DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE,

DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE,

(laughs)

OH. HEY!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO COME GET ME.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

AFTER THAT ACE MOVE YOU PULLED?

IT'S LIKE YOU KNEW

THE PARTY WAS GONNA SUCK,

SO YOU FAKED A SEIZURE.

SUPER BELIEVABLE,

FOAM AND EVERYTHING.

LOOK AT YOU,

COMMITTING TO THE BIT.

THAT'S AMAZING.

YOU KNOW, I ONCE FAKED

BEING CHASED BY A BUMBLEBEE

TO AVOID TALKING

TO MY OLD AGENT.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S HOW I ROLL,

YOU KNOW? HEH.

WHEN STUFF SUCKS, I JUST

PRETEND THAT MY BODY IS...

(monotone voice)

SHUTTING DOWN.

(cell phone alert chimes)

SWEET.

WE'RE STARTING

NEW YORK REHEARSALS

FOR "DANCING WITH THE STARS."

LUTHER GOT FIRST PICK

OF DRESSING ROOMS.

NICE.

IS THAT IMPORTANT?

IS TH--IS--

CHLOE, CAN YOU...

ACTORS ARE VERY SENSITIVE PEOPLE

SO THEY NEED THE VALIDATION THAT

COMES FROM KNOWING THAT EVERYONE

ELSE'S DRESSING ROOM SUCKS.

THANK YOU.

SOUNDS DOUCHE-Y WHEN I SAY IT.

WELL, ARE YOU READY TO GO HOME?

YEAH. I AM.

SAKE BOMB!

♪♪♪

SEA URCHIN CHASER!

MMM! JUNE, YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR

SAKE BOMB WITH RAW FISH CHASER.

I CAN'T HAVE ANY OF THIS.

I MEAN, I THINK I STILL

HAVE VOMIT IN MY HAIR

FROM LAST NIGHT.

YOU FREAKING MONSTER.

I LOVE YOU.

SO, UH... THIS PLACE IS COOL.

ONE OF THE PERKS

OF BEING A HEALTH INSPECTOR.

I GIVE THEM AN "A" RATING

EVEN THOUGH THEIR FISH IS OLD,

AND THEY LET US EAT FOR FREE.

THEY ALSO LET ME KEEP MY CANOE

IN THEIR BASEMENT.

SHITAGI NASHI.

(crowd) SHITAGI NASHI!

OKAY.

MM. COME ON, JUNE.

IT'S GETTING COLD.

I GOT MY STOMACH PUMPED

AND I HAD A TUBE

DOWN MY THROAT LAST NIGHT.

I GET PUMPED AND HAVE STUFF

DOWN MY THROAT ALL THE TIME,

AND IT DOESN'T STOP ME.

♪♪♪

SHITAGI NASHI.

(giggles) OKAY.

W-WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHY DO

PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THAT TO YOU?

UM, I DON'T KNOW.

JAPANESE PEOPLE

ALWAYS SAY THAT TO ME.

I THINK IT JUST MEANS I'M TALL.

OH, NO,

IT MEANS "NO PANTIES."

YOUR CATCHPHRASE

FROM "TALL SLUT NO PANTIES."

THE GRAPHIC NOVEL BASED ON YOU?

IT'S HUGE IN JAPAN.

HMM.

CHLOE, YOU HAVE

A GRAPHIC NOVEL BASED ON YOU?

HUH. SO RAW FISH--DELICIOUS,

RAW CHICKEN--SALMONELLA.

IT'S CUCKOO-PANTS.

JUNE, I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.

PASTOR JIN.

OBVIOUSLY, THE MAN I'M WITH

IS NOT MY HUSBAND.

I SAW YOU NOTICE US

WHEN YOU WALKED IN.

NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET.

YES, I HAD MY HAND ON HIS LEG--

I DIDN'T SEE YOU.

HAVE A GOOD SUSHI.

ENJOY. OKAY.

BYE.

OKAY.

OKAY.

BYE.

(horn honks)

THIS DRESSING ROOM

ONCE BELONGED TO MR. TOM POSTON

WHEN HE WAS IN PREVIEWS

FOR "A FUNNY THING HAPPENED

ON THE WAY TO THE FORUM."

YES.

YES, THAT'S WHY IT FEELS

SO COMFORTABLE TO ME.

AS ALWAYS, LUTHER, PERFECT.

(unzips bag)

DEAN CAIN, YOU OLD HOOFER.

HOW'S IT GOING?

CAN'T COMPLAIN, JAMES.

YEAH?

REHEARSALS ARE GOING WELL.

THINK I'M STARTING TO

MASTER MY LATIN HIP MOVEMENT.

(chuckles) YEAH,

IT'S GONNA BE A GOOD SEASON.

YES, IT IS.

WELL, SEE YOU

ON THE PLANKS, THEN.

(door closes)

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!

THAT GHOSTS HAVE SEEN

ALL MY PASSWORDS.

DEAN CAIN'S DRESSING ROOM HAS

AN EXTRA 1/3 OF A CEILING TILE.

HIS ROOM IS 6 INCHES

BIGGER THAN MINE--6!

I NOTICED INSTANTLY!

HOW COULD YOU NOT CATCH THIS?

I-I DIDN'T LOOK UP.

WHY DIDN'T I LOOK UP?

WELL, IT'S TOO LATE NOW, LUTHER!

IT'S HAPPENED.

YOU'VE MADE YOUR FIRST MISTAKE

AS MY ASSISTANT.

OHH.

GOD, THIS DRESSING ROOM

IS SUFFOCATING ME.

I CAN PRACTICALLY

TOUCH THE WALLS.

(exhales sharply)

WOW! OH, MY GOSH.

THIS IS SO COOL.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

I'M FRIENDS WITH SOMEBODY

THAT HAS A GRAPHIC NOVEL

BASED ON THEM! HOW COOL IS THAT?

HE GETS MY KNEES.

I HAVE TRICKY KNEES,

BUT HE GETS THEM.

WOW. I'M FINALLY

IN YOUR APARTMENT.

ALL THOSE YEARS

OF SITTING IN MY WINDOW,

WONDERING WHAT WAS

BEHIND THIS PILLAR...

OH. JUST A TABLE

WITH SOME BRIC-A-BRAC.

HOLD ON. IS THAT...

JUST A BANANA.

(floorboard creaking)

OH. THIS ISN'T GOOD.

THIS ISN'T WHAT YOU WANT.

HOPE IT'S NOT STRUCTURAL.

THIS IS AMAZING.

YOUR CHARACTER DRIVES AROUND ON

A MOTORCYCLE THAT HAS A SIDECAR!

(man) THE MINUTE

SHE WALKED INTO THE CLUB,

IT BECAME THE PLACE TO BE.

EVERYONE WANTED TO BE HER,

BE WITH HER,

OR LICK HER MARSHMALLOW WIG.

(bell dings)

OH, I REMEMBER THAT NIGHT.

I WORE A MARSHMALLOW WIG.

HEY, ELI, HOW COME

YOU DIDN'T TELL CHLOE

ABOUT THESE NOVELS?

I ASSUMED SHE KNEW.

I WAS ALWAYS CALLING HER

A TALL SLUT

OR SUGGESTING IT WAS

A NICE DAY FOR NO PANTIES.

OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST

BEING A PERVERT.

UNDERSTANDABLE MISTAKE.

HEY, DO YOU MIND

IF I PEE IN YOUR TOILET?

IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME.

SURE, PAL.

"PATRICK KELLY."

THAT'S THE GUY WHO WROTE THESE.

DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?

UGH. JUNE, IF I HAD TIME

TO WORRY ABOUT EVERY PERSON...

(door opens and closes)

WHO ADMIRED, IMITATED,

OR STALKED ME,

I WOULDN'T HAVE TIME TO BE

MY FABULOUS SELF.

NOW COME ON. THERE'S A PARTY

AT THE MAYOR'S MANSION.

LET'S GET SOMEBODY

IMPEACHED.

CHLOE, I CAN'T DRINK.

OH, YOU'RE STILL DOING THAT?

OH, WELL. DON'T WAIT UP.

UH, NO, I MEAN, I CAN

HANG OUT WITH YOU.

IT'S JUST,

I-I CAN'T DRINK ANYTHING.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

IF YOU ROLL WITH ME,

YOU ROLL AS HARD AS ME.

I DON'T WANT

ANY JUDGMENTAL JUDYS

OR SOBER SALLYS IN MY CREW.

OKAY, WELL,

THE GOOD NEWS IS, CHLOE,

IS THAT IN SIX SHORT MONTHS,

WE'LL BE ABLE TO PICK UP

WHERE WE LEFT O--

(toilet flushes)

(exhales deeply)

NOW WE'RE REALLY FRIENDS.

(door closes)

(bells jingle)

UH, JUNE? HI.

HI. YOU'RE AT WORK.

I'M SEEING

IF ROBIN WAS EXAGGERATING

ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE

TO PARTY

SIX MONTHS AFTER GETTING

YOUR STOMACH PUMPED.

OOH. THERE IS A GIRL ON HERE

THAT WENT TO VEGAS THE NEXT DAY.

CRAP, AND THERE'S A LINK

TO HER MEMORIAL PAGE.

OKAY, WHAT IS GOING ON

WITH YOU?

(sighs)

YOU'RE IGNORING CUSTOMERS,

THE MUFFIN DOME IS A DISASTER,

AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN LAUGH

AT THE NEW "DILBERT"

I PUT

ON THE COMMUNITY BOARD.

(bells jingle)

MARK, NOBODY LAUGHS

AT THAT.

THEY'RE DRAWING AN ANALOGY

WHERE HE'S THE CAR

AND COFFEE IS HIS GASOLINE.

(indistinct conversations)

OKAY, LOOK, ALL RIGHT,

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,

I HAVE OLD CLUB STAMPS

ON MY HAND, OKAY?

THE OTHER DAY,

I PUT ON A LEATHER JACKET,

AND I WASN'T PRETENDING TO BE

SANDY IN "GREASE."

CHLOE'S GOT ME

IN WITH THE IN CROWD,

AND I... (chuckles)

I-I REALLY DON'T WANT

TO LET THAT GO.

(bells jingle)

INTERESTING GOALS.

PRETTY DIFFERENT

FROM WHEN YOU FIRST MOVED HERE.

REMEMBER WHEN

YOUR TOP PRIORITY

WAS GETTING A JOB

ON WALL STREET?

I AM STILL TRYING TO GET

A JOB ON WALL STREET.

I AM SENDING MY RESUME OUT

EVERY DAY,

BUT NO ONE IS HIRING,

SO IN THE MEANTIME,

I'M JUST GONNA HANG OUT

WITH CHLOE.

I-I DON'T KNOW

IF YOU KNOW THIS OR NOT,

BUT I WASN'T REALLY THE MOST

POPULAR GIRL IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW,

HANGING OUT WITH CHLOE

IS JUST A WAY

TO AVOID REALITY.

ALL SHE DOES IS PARTY.

(chuckles) IF YOU DON'T HAVE

A WORKING LIVER,

YOU HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON.

(chuckles) THAT'S NOT TRUE.

WE DEFINITELY HAVE A LOT

IN COMMON. (chuckles)

I MEAN, WE BOTH THINK

THAT WE SAW

"SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY,"

BUT WE'RE NOT SURE.

OH, I SAW THAT.

WAIT. DID I?

(door bells jingle)

(horn honks in distance)

(creaking)

MAYBE IT IS STRUCTURAL.

(creaks)

OH, MY GOD.

(elevator bell dings)

YOU SHOULD FIRE LUTHER.

(sighs) HE MADE A MISTAKE.

IT HAPPENS.

(sighs) HE SAID HE'S GONNA

MAKE IT RIGHT.

YOU SHOULD MAKE HIM CRY

AND THEN KICK HIM

AND THEN KISS HIM

TO CONFUSE HIM

AND THEN FIRE HIM.

(keys jangle)

(sighs)

(door opens)

SHITAGI NASHI.

(keys clatter)

YOU PRETENDED

YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF THEM,

BUT I LOOKED

UNDER THE FLOORBOARD

AND SEE THAT YOU HAVE

EVERY ISSUE.

OH, UM, I JUST HAVE THOSE

BECAUSE STALKERS SEND THEM

TO ME.

OH, REALLY?

WELL, THEN YOU WON'T MIND

IF I REMOVE THEM

FROM THE PLASTIC COVER THEY--

NO!

YOUR FINGER OILS!

AHA! I KNEW IT!

OKAY, FINE.

I THINK THEY'RE COOL.

LET'S NOT MAKE A BIG DEAL

ABOUT IT.

CHLOE, THERE'S NO NEED TO BE

EMBARRASSED ABOUT BEING

REPLICATED

IN OTHER MEDIA FORMATS.

I'VE GOT

AN ENTIRE ROOM DEDICATED

TO VARIOUS JAMES VAN DER BEEK

ACTION FIGURES.

HMM.

WHO DO I WANT

TO PLAY WITH TODAY?

(imitates swoosh)

CHLOE, THIS IS A BIG DEAL...

FOR US.

I MEAN, IT MEANS THAT WE HAVE

SOMETHING ELSE IN COMMON

BESIDES LIKING TO PARTY.

FOR EXAMPLE,

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE

WHO INSPIRED A COMIC BOOK.

"THE ADVENTURES

OF TRINA & SISSY"!

YOU WERE FRIENDS WITH A LOT OF

YOUR MOM'S FRIENDS, WEREN'T YOU?

I MADE IT IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I DIDN'T WANT

TO SHOW YOU EARLIER,

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T SEEM

SO IMPRESSED BY THE NOVELS,

BUT NOW... (chuckles)

IT'S ABOUT ME

AND MY BEST FRIEND,

WHO SPENT PROM NIGHT

IN THE BAND ROOM,

EATING ORANGES

AND PLAYING FLUTE DUETS.

(June) SOME SAY PROM

IS THE MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT

OF THE YEAR,

BUT NOT TO TRINA AND SISSY.

THEY HAD BIGGER PLANS

THAN GETTING GROPED

BY BASKETBALL PLAYERS

AND NARROWLY MISSING

TEEN PREGNANCY AND A...

AAH! AAH! AAH!

(pants) AAH! AAH! AAH!

(blows air)

OH. WHAT? (pants) OHH.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. THAT'S OKAY.

THERE'S--THERE'S ANOTHER COPY,

SO DON'T FEEL BAD.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT--THAT LOOKS FAMILIAR.

DID--DID YOU SEND ME

AN ISSUE

WHERE TRINA AND SISSY BREAK

INTO THE SET ON "DAWSON'S CREEK"

AND FORCE ME TO BE

THEIR ALGEBRA TEACHER?

NO.

OKAY, GOOD,

'CAUSE THAT WAS CREEPY, MAN.

I GAVE THAT TO THE FBI.

LOOK, I THINK THE COMICS

ARE COOL

BECAUSE I LIKE LOOKING

AT MYSELF.

I THINK THEY'RE COOL

THE WAY THAT MIRRORS ARE COOL.

I'M NOT A COMIC BOOK NERD.

CHLOE, BUT THERE IS

A WHOLE OTHER SIDE OF YOU

THAT YOU ARE HIDING

FROM THE WORLD,

AND THAT SIDE OF YOU

MIGHT WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME

AND DO SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T

RUPTURE MY STOMACH LINING.

LIKE WHAT?

WELL, IT'S ACTIVE,

BUT IT'S NOT PHYSICAL.

IT INVOLVES FASHION,

AND YOU GET TO THROW THINGS.

IT'S BOWLING,

BUT BEFORE YOU SAY NO--

I'M IN.

REALLY?

YES. GO GET

YOUR BALL, JUNE.

(indistinct conversations)

THIS IS NOT BOWLING.

I KNOW.

I WOULD NEVER GO BOWLING,

BUT I WANTED TO GO OUT

WITH PAULO TONIGHT.

HE'S NUMBER THREE

IN MY MAN ROTATION.

HE'S POORER THAN NUMBER ONE

BUT HOTTER THAN NUMBER SIX.

ANYWAY, HE ALWAYS BRINGS

HIS CREEPY ROOMMATE,

SO I THOUGHT

YOU COULD KEEP HIM BUSY.

CIAO! COME ON, PAULO.

♪♪♪

HI. I'M JUNE.

PATRICK.

OH, MY.

YOU ARE PATRICK KELLY!

YOU ARE THE CREATOR

OF "TALL SLUT NO PANTIES"!

YOU KNOW MY WORK,

BUT YOU'RE NOT JAPANESE

OR MY MOTHER.

(chuckles) NO, I'M JUNE.

I'M CHLOE'S ROOMMATE.

I SHOULD INTRODUCE YOU TO HER.

SHE--SHE WOULD LOVE TO MEET YOU.

(chuckles) NO WAY. UH...

I PREFER TO LURK

IN THE SHADOWS

AND APPEAR CREEPY AND WEIRD,

DO MY THING FROM AFAR.

HERE WE ARE

AT OUR UNDERWATER WEDDING.

SHE'S THE MERMAID.

SO WHEN PAULO GOES OUT

WITH CHLOE,

YOU JUST KINDA...

YOU TAG ALONG

AND YOU HANG OUT

IN THE CORNER OR...

YEAH.

PATRICK, UM...

THAT'S KINDA SAD.

I MEAN, DO YOU REALLY WANT

TO SPEND YOUR LIFE

FOLLOWING THIS GIRL AROUND

FROM BAR TO BAR?

HOW IS THAT ANY DIFFERENT

FROM WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?

I AM NOT

A WOODCHUCK ANYMORE,

AND NEITHER ARE YOU.

I HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT THAT MEANS.

IT MEANS THAT WE GOTTA START

LIVING OUR OWN LIVES

AND STOP FOLLOWING AROUND

SOME GIRL

THAT DOESN'T EVEN KNOW

THAT WE'RE HERE.

THIS IS STUPID.

(knock on door)

HEY, BEEKER.

YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?

"BEEKER." (chuckles)

I LOVE IT.

UH, YEAH, COME ON IN.

YEAH, I WANTED TO TALK

DANCE BELTS.

WHOA.

(dart thuds)

DID YOU DO ALL THIS?

OH, THE REDEC?

YEAH, UH, YOU KNOW,

I JUST HAD LUTHER THROW

SOME STUFF UP ON THE WALLS,

YOU KNOW,

RESTOCK THE FRIDGE.

(chuckles) WOW. IT'S...

(birds calling and chirping)

WOW.

OH. YOU LIKE IT? YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU SHOULD TAKE IT.

REALLY?

YEAH, IT'S, UH,

IT'S A LITTLE TOO LUSH FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, I-I WANT TO JUST KINDA

GET BACK TO THE BASICS,

FOCUS ON MY DANCING.

HERE ARE THE KEYS.

HERE'S THE MASTER REMOTE.

COME ON, JAMES. YOU THINK

I COULDN'T TELL INSTANTLY

THAT MY DRESSING ROOM IS

6 INCHES LARGER THAN YOURS?

I CAN COUNT CEILING TILES,

TOO, MY FRIEND.

YOU WANT TO SNOW SOMEBODY,

TAKE IT NEXT DOOR

TO FRED SAVAGE.

(chuckles)

OHH. I'M SORRY, JAMES.

I-I THOUGHT

THIS WOULD FIX IT.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU DID...

(sighs)

AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I... I NEED TO THINK

ABOUT SOME THINGS.

I-I... (sighs)

I NEED TO THINK ABOUT US.

I SEE.

WELL, THEN I NEED

TO THINK ABOUT

THE CONVERSATION I HAD WITH

THE MISSES TIA AND TAMERA MOWRY.

WHEN THE BLACK OLSEN TWINS CALL,

YOU ANSWER.

(thuds)

(indistinct conversations)

I JUST FEEL SO REFOCUSED,

YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, AS SOON AS PATRICK

POINTED IT OUT TO ME,

IT ALL BECAME CLEAR.

I TOTALLY LOST TRACK

OF WHAT I CAME HERE TO DO,

SO I AM RECOMMITTING MYSELF

TO MY GOALS.

PATRICK? WHO'S PATRICK?

I POINTED THAT STUFF OUT TO YOU.

MARK, IT'S NOT A COMPETITION

BETWEEN YOU AND PATRICK.

WHO THE HELL IS PATRICK?

BUT IF IT WERE,

HE'D BE WINNING. (chuckles)

OH, GOOD.

YOU'RE JUST IN TIME FOR

THE NEW ISSUE OF "NO PANTIES."

OH. MY BAD.

IT'S "STRONG BOWLING GIRL

TALKS A LOT!"

WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS!

IS THAT--IS THAT ME?

YOU KNOW IT IS, YOU BITCH.

YOU KILLED TALL SLUT NO PANTIES!

(door closes)

I HAD NO IDEA THAT PATRICK

WAS GONNA WRITE ABOUT ME.

YOUR BOOBS ARE JUST

NORMAL BOOBS,

AND YOU GO

AROUND MANHATTAN BOWLING

AND GIVING PEOPLE

PEP TALKS.

WHAT THE HELL KIND

OF CHARACTER IS THAT?!

ONCE AGAIN, I FIND MYSELF

HAVING TO DEFEND BOWLING,

AND I WON'T DO IT.

IT DOESN'T NEED ME TO.

YOU KNEW THIS WAS IMPORTANT

TO ME, AND YOU RUINED IT.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO.

I MEAN,

IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.

IN CASE

YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO

MY OWN THING NOW.

I'M THE ONE THAT DOES

MY OWN THING!

I AM THE ONE WITH ALL

THE THINGS!

(keys jangle, door opens)

CHLOE, I'M HAVING

ISSUES WITH LUTHER,

SO I HAVE TO PICK UP

MY OWN BEAUTY SUPPLIES.

DO YOU WANT TO COME?

(door closes)

I'M SORRY, JAMES.

I CAN'T. I'VE GOT PLANS.

I'M GOING BOWLING

LIKE BORING PEOPLE.

THIS IS WHAT

YOU'VE REDUCED ME TO.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

COME ON. YOU--

YOU ARE BEING SUCH

A DRAMA QUEEN RIGHT NOW.

OOPS. FORGOT ABOUT THESE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE TALL SLUT NO PANTIES.

NOT ANYMORE, JAMES.

NOT ANYMORE.

(sighs)

I JUST HOPE I DON'T GET

KNOCKED IN THE CROTCH

BY SOME LADY BOWLER'S

FUNCTIONAL PURSE.

OHH. WHAT A BABY!

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I DO NOT

LIKE ABOUT COOL PEOPLE.

THEY ARE SO

INTO THEMSELVES! (sighs)

DO I LIKE MYSELF BETTER

UPSIDE DOWN?

YOU KNOW, THAT GIRL HAS

A LIFE THAT

MOST PEOPLE WOULD KILL FOR,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

SHE'S UPSET BECAUSE

SHE'S NOT IN A COMIC BOOK.

IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING

IN A COMIC BOOK, JUNE.

(spoon clatters)

SEE, CHLOE'S

THE "IT" GIRL NOW,

BUT THAT ONLY LASTS

SO LONG.

DO YOU REMEMBER

MUMMS VON TROYER?

(glass clatters)

WHO?

MUMMS WAS THE "IT" GIRL

WHEN CHLOE FIRST MOVED

TO NEW YORK.

NOW SHE'S DEAD

OR LIVES ON A HORSE FARM

OR MAKES ORGANIC BABY FOOD.

I DON'T KNOW. WHO CARES?

THE POINT IS,

NOBODY REMEMBERS HER.

THAT'S THE NATURE

OF THE "IT" GIRL.

IT'S FLEETING.

CHLOE GETS THAT,

BUT HAVING HER LIFE CHRONICLED

IN A BOOK WAS A WAY TO FEEL LIKE

SHE'D ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED.

I GOTTA GO.

AHH.

YEAH.

I UNDERSTAND MORE THAN ANYBODY

HOW FLEETING FAME CAN BE.

(sighs) IT PUTS A LOT

OF PRESSURE ON YOU.

SOMETIMES YOU TAKE IT OUT

ON THOSE YOU LOVE THE MOST.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING.

THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING

WITH YOU AND CHLOE.

(horn honks)

(door opens)

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

LETTING THE "DANCING WITH

THE STARS" TAILOR

KNOW YOUR MEASUREMENTS, IN CASE

I'M NO LONGER IN YOUR EMPLOY.

I TOLD THEM YOU LIKE

A FESTIVE LINING,

IF THE GARMENT ALLOWS IT.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

(thuds)

I BROKE THROUGH THE WALL

AND STOLE

FRED SAVAGE'S DRESSING ROOM.

(chuckles)

MINE IS NOW

BIGGER THAN DEAN CAIN'S.

I GUESS NOW YOU HAVE

EVERYTHING.

ACTUALLY, I DID IT FOR YOU.

(sighs)

THIS IS YOUR SPACE.

TRAINING FOR THE MIRROR BALL

TROPHY IS STRESSFUL.

I NEED TO BE ABLE TO TAKE

THAT OUT ON SOMEBODY.

I-I WANT THAT SOMEONE

TO BE YOU.

YOU'RE AN AMAZING ASSISTANT.

SLASH FRIEND.

SLASH FRIEND WHO I PAY.

(chuckles and whispers)

OKAY.

UGH! PANTIES.

I CAN'T GET COMFORTABLE.

HOW DOES HILLARY CLINTON

DO IT?

HERE.

WHAT IS IT?

OPEN IT.

IT'S A NEW ISSUE

OF "TRINA & SISSY"

WITH A SPECIAL GUEST STAR--

TALL SLUT NO PANTIES.

YOU CRASH

THE HIGH SCHOOL PROM.

YOU KILL TRINA AND THEN USE

TRINA'S CORPSE TO KILL SISSY,

AND THEN YOU CORKSCREW

INTO THE EARTH

UNTIL YOU REACH

ITS MOLTEN LAVA CORE.

WHY DID YOU DO THIS?

I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE AFRAID

YOU'RE GONNA BE FORGOTTEN.

THAT'S WHY I WAS SO DESPERATE

TO HANG OUT WITH YOU,

BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOU

TO LEAVE ME BEHIND. (chuckles)

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M NOT AFRAID

OF BEING FORGOTTEN.

WELL, IN CASE YOU EVER ARE,

YOU HAVE THIS.

IT'S NOT HUGE IN JAPAN.

NO ONE'S EVER GONNA READ IT,

BUT YOU HAVE YOUR OWN COPY,

AND I HAVE MINE, TOO.

YOU CAN BURN IT

IF YOU WANT TO.

YOU GAVE ME

SOME PRETTY FIERCE BOOBS.

I TRACED CANDY CORN.

"MUAHAHAHA! I WON!

NOW TO THE EARTH'S CORE!"

I GUESS I CAN KEEP IT.

YOU KNOW, IF I EVER NEED

TO WRAP A FISH OR SOMETHING.

COOL.

WHERE YOU GOING?

TO BED. (sighs)

I SPENT ALL NIGHT

DRAWING IN THE RUBBER BANDS

IN SISSY'S BRACES, SO...

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

WE'RE GOING OUT.

CHLOE, I CAN'T PARTY.

WE STILL DON'T HAVE

ANYTHING IN COMMON.

LOOK, WE DON'T HAVE TO HAVE

ANYTHING IN COMMON, OKAY?

WE'RE FRIENDS. WHATEVER.

OHH! I CAN SEE.

(snaps)

(sighs)

THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER.

(high-pitched voice) MM!

(door closes)

(man)

AND SO CHLOE AND JUNE WENT OUT

INTO THE NIGHT TOGETHER.

IT WAS... NOT FUN FOR JUNE.

LOOK AT ME!

DON'T LOOK AT HER!

(retches)

ARE YOU HAVING A FUN BIRTHDAY?

(pounds on door)

HEY! THE REST OF US NEED

TO THROW UP, TOO, YOU KNOW?

(horns honking)

CHLOE, GET IN THE CAB!

SHUT UP, GOBLIN!

I DON'T KNOW YOU!

CHLOE!

(laughs)

CHLOE!

(screams)

Captioned by

Closed Captioning Services, Inc.