Original subtitles

(June)

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN SOMEONE

WHO CAN WEAR

A LOT OF DIFFERENT HATS,

LIKE HERE IN APARTMENT 23.

(beeps)

SOMETIMES I NEED TO BE

A MIXOLOGIST...

SOMETIMES I NEED TO BE

A TEACHER...

AND SOMETIMES

I NEED TO BE

THE BEARER OF BAD NEWS.

WHAT UP? (sighs)

I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO TELL

YOU THIS, BUT--

YOU DECIDED TO GET

A PIXIE CUT?

WHAT? NO.

OH, THANK GOD.

MY HEART IS STILL RACING.

FEEL THAT? THAT'S FEAR.

WELL, WHAT I WAS GONNA

TELL YOU WAS...

(bottles clink, cabinet closes)

YOUR PLANT DIED.

WHAT PLANT? I HATE PLANTS.

I DON'T HAVE NO PLANT.

SURE YOU DO. YOU GOT ONE

ABOUT A MONTH AGO.

I'M ALL ABOUT

THE ENVIRONMENT.

I FANCY MYSELF A TREE HUGGER.

OH, RIGHT. ETHAN.

HE WAS MY EMERGENCY CONTACT

FOR A MONTH.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW IT DIED.

I WATERED IT ALL THE TIME.

WITH WATER

FROM YOUR GOLDFISH'S BOWL?

WHAT GOLDFISH? I HATE GOLDFISH.

I DON'T HAVE NO GOLDFISH.

(clinks)

OOH!

(chuckles)

I'M ALL ABOUT THE GOLDFISH.

WANNA HAVE SEX?

WEIRD FAIR.

A LOT OF WEIRD BOOTHS

AT THAT WEIRD FAIR.

(sighs)

WELL, REMIND ME NEVER

TO TRUST YOU

WITH TAKING CARE OF ANYTHING

OF MINE, CHLOE. (chuckles)

OH. WHAT'S THAT?

MM. "CHLOE, THANKS FOR LOOKING

AFTER MY GREAT-UNCLE

"IN APARTMENT 14.

HE NEEDS HIS DAILY SHOT

OF INSULIN."

(siren wails in distance,

police radio chatter)

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

AND WE ANALYZE

COMPANIES' VIABILITIES

FOR INCLUSION

IN LONG- AND SHORT-TERM

MUTUAL FUNDS.

MS. BERMAN, IF YOU GIVE ME

THIS OPPORTUNITY,

I WILL SHOW YOU

HOW COMMITTED I AM

TO BERMAN, MARKS AND MATHERS.

EVEN THOUGH THIS IS

AN UNPAID INTERNSHIP,

IT REQUIRES 7 DAYS A WEEK,

24 HOURS A DAY.

OKAY.

WHEN I SLEEP, WHICH IS RARE,

I DO SO STANDING UP,

LIKE A COW.

MY TIME IS YOURS.

I'M SINGLE.

I DON'T HAVE ANY PETS,

AND MY ONLY HOBBY IS

THE SEASONAL RAISING

OF WINDOW BOX PANSIES.

STOP IT.

I WILL.

EXCELLENT.

YOU WILL ALSO BE REQUIRED

TO DO A FEW PERSONAL THINGS

FOR ME--

PICK UP MY DRY CLEANING,

MEET WITH MY CONTRACTOR.

HOW ARE YOU

AT GIVING HAIRCUTS?

GREAT. I'M GREAT AT IT.

YOU START TOMORROW.

BURMA.

NICE.

UZBEKISTAN.

AWESOME.

SWEDEN.

GREAT.

NOT A COUNTRY.

THAT'S A CRAB.

GOOD FOR YOU!

(chuckles)

YOU'RE SO SMART!

(door opens)

I GOT THE INTERNSHIP! (chuckles)

IF I NAIL THIS,

I'LL BE BACK IN THE GAME.

OF COURSE, IT'S UNPAID,

SO THERE'S THAT AND WORKING

AT THE COFFEE SHOP,

BUT IT'S OKAY,

'CAUSE I'M A GREAT MULTITASKER.

WHAT--WHAT--IS THAT SMOKE?

OH, YEAH.

THERE'S A SMALL GREASE FIRE

IN THE OVEN.

WHAT?! WHAT? GOD!

YOU HAVE TO SMOTHER

THE FLAMES!

OH, MY GOSH!

THE WHOLE PLACE...

(coughing)

COULD HAVE BURNED DOWN!

WELL, I WAS GONNA MAKE A PIZZA,

AND THEN I PASSED OUT,

AND WHEN I WOKE UP, I WAS LIKE,

"I DON'T MAKE PIZZAS."

(laughs) SHE DOESN'T.

CHLOE, YOU HAVE TO LEARN

TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE.

DO YOU NOT SEE

A PATTERN HERE?

YOU SEE SOMETHING

THAT YOU WANT,

AND THEN YOU ABANDON IT

BECAUSE YOU GET BORED

OR BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO SELFISH

TO CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSE!

JUNE, I'M INTERESTED

IN WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

WRITE IT DOWN AND PUT IT IN

THE BASKET NEXT TO THE TOILET.

I'LL GET TO IT AS SOON

AS MY BUSY SEASON'S OVER.

"BUSY SEASON."

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB.

IN THE SPAN OF 3 DAYS,

I MAKE 70% OF MY ANNUAL INCOME.

WHEN THE U.N. HOLDS

ITS GENERAL ASSEMBLY,

I AM THE NIGHTLIFE GUIDE

FOR DIGNITARIES.

I KNOW JUST ENOUGH

OF EVERY LANGUAGE TO DRINK

AND DANCE WITH POWERFUL MEN

FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.

IT'S A TON OF WORK,

AND, FRANKLY...

ME ENCUENTRA UN PEU

BUKAN ZHONGFU.

HUH?

THAT MEANS

"I'M FEELING OVERWHELMED"

IN SPANISH, FRENCH,

AND MANDARIN.

I REALLY WANTED TO WING

SOME TAGALOG AT YOU,

BUT I DON'T KNOW

THE PLUPERFECT.

MM.

(horn honks)

(indistinct conversations)

OH, HEY.

YOU GOT THE INTERNSHIP?

THAT'S GREAT.

I KNOW YOU REALLY WANTED IT.

YEAH, I'M REALLY EXCITED,

BUT IT'S GONNA BE A LOT OF WORK.

I THINK PEPPER'S STEALING

COFFEE.

WHAT?

IT'S, UH--HI.

PEPPER, HI. (chuckles)

WEDNESDAY. HUMP DAY.

IT'S HUMP DAY, DUMP DAY!

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(dishes and utensils clinking)

(sighs, lowered voice)

I CAN'T FIRE HER

BECAUSE WE HAVE A STRICT

CORPORATE DISMISSAL POLICY,

AND SHE'S

EXTREMELY LITIGIOUS.

(lowered voice)

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

SHE USES THE WORD "ALLEGEDLY"

FAR TOO OFTEN.

UM, SOMEONE ALLEGEDLY ORDERED

A PUMPKIN SPICE, NO WHIP.

I'VE INSTALLED SECURITY CAMERAS

TO CATCH HER IN THE ACT,

SO SINCE I CAN'T TRUST HER,

I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO TAKE ON

MORE RESPONSIBILITY--

MORNING MUFFIN DELIVERIES,

CLOSING AT NIGHT.

DO YOU THINK

YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?

ABSOLUTELY. (chuckles)

THE MORE I HAVE TO DO,

THE BETTER I GET THINGS DONE.

IN HIGH SCHOOL,

I MAINTAINED A 4.0 G.P.A.

WHILE WRITING A MUSICAL.

IT WAS CALLED "KICK IT UP!"

IT WAS ABOUT

AN ALL-GIRLS KICKBALL--

SO ANGRY AT HER,

I KINDA DON'T CARE.

(sighs)

♪ OOH, LA, LA-LA ♪

OHH. SORRY I'M LATE.

THINGS HAVE BEEN SO CRAZY.

THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY

CONVENES TOMORROW,

SO I HAD TO RENT A MONKEY.

ITALIANS LOVE IT

WHEN I BRING A MONKEY.

ITALIANS.

HMM. I SAID YES TO A MOVIE.

IT'S CALLED "IN PAPA'S ARMS."

IT'S GONNA BE AMAZING.

IT STARS

THE ONE AND ONLY KIERNAN SHIPKA.

WHAT ARE THOSE WORDS?

THE LITTLE BLONDE GIRL

FROM "MAD MEN."

SHE'S THE ONE ACTOR

I'VE BEEN DYING TO WORK WITH.

SHE'S GOT

THIS QUIET INTENSITY.

SHE'S LIKE A--LIKE A SMALL,

BLONDE DANIEL DAY-LEWIS.

IS THE SCRIPT ANY GOOD?

NO IDEA.

I JUST SAID "YES" THE MINUTE

I HEARD KIERNAN WAS ON BOARD.

LUTHER'S READING IT RIGHT NOW.

HE'LL TELL ME WHAT HE THINKS.

YOU CAN HAVE LUTHER

DO THAT?

OF COURSE. LUTHER READS

ALL MY SCRIPTS FOR ME.

"SHE SLAMS THE DOOR

BEHIND HER,

CAUSING ALEX TO GET HIS HAND

STUCK IN THE FONDUE POT."

(chuckling)

"ALEX--'A LITTLE HELP HERE?'"

"FONDUE POT." I MEAN...

"CHECK, PLEASE!"

THIS IS QUALITY TELEVISION.

YOU CAN HAVE LUTHER READ

YOU STORIES?

YEAH. HE'S MY ASSISTANT.

HE DOES WHATEVER

I NEED HIM TO DO--

EAT QUESTIONABLE SUSHI,

TICKLE MY FOREARM

WHILE WE'RE WATCHING TV,

CARRY ME OVER PUDDLES.

(girl) UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

OKAY. THANK YOU. ALL SET.

YOU HAVE DRINKS WITH

THE FOREIGN MINISTER OF PANAMA

AT 9:00.

THEN DANCING AND DESSERT

WITH THE AMBASSADOR TO MYANMAR

AT 10:00.

FINE. NOW WE JUST NEED

TO FIND AN OUTFIT

THAT WORKS FOR BOTH EVENTS.

PANAMA LIKES IT SLUTTY,

BUT MYANMAR LIKES TO KEEP

IT CLASSY.

WHAT--WHAT'S GOING ON?

(gasps)

OH, JUNE. GREAT NEWS.

(thuds)

I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID,

ABOUT NEEDING TO BE

MORE RESPONSIBLE, SO...

I GOT AN ASSISTANT.

WHAT?

H-HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THAT?

OH, IT'S FREE.

I GOT A FOSTER CHILD.

MOLLY, F.Y.I.,

WE HAVE A NO FLIP-FLOP POLICY,

SO I'M GONNA NEED TO SEE YOU

IN A CLOSED-TOE SHOE.

THANK YOU.

(whispers) IT'S AMAZING!

(door closes)

(whispering) WHAT THE HELL?

(slurps)

YOU GOT A FOSTER CHILD?!

YEP.

I NEEDED SOME ASSISTANT WORK

DURING MY BUSY SEASON.

I FIGURED, WHY NOT A KID

THAT NEEDS A HOME?

NOW I KNOW WHY PEOPLE LIKE

KIDS SO MUCH. THEY'RE HANDY.

BUT YOU'LL SEE.

YOU'LL SEE WHEN YOU HAVE ONE.

HOW DID YOU DO THIS?

I KNOW, RIGHT?

USUALLY YOU HAVE TO BE

ON THE LIST

FOR, LIKE, A YEAR,

BUT LUCKILY,

MY FRIEND SPECIAL K. WORKS

IN CHILD SERVICES,

SO SHE HOOKED ME UP.

YOU KNOW,

I DON'T TELL HER ENOUGH,

BUT SHE'S A GREAT GAL.

MOLLY, LET'S SEND HER

A COOKIE BOUQUET.

HOW ABOUT

A SMOKED SABLE PLATTER?

OUTSIDE THE BOX.

I LIKE IT. LET'S DO IT.

OKAY.

CHLOE, THIS IS INSANE.

THIS IS

BEYOND IRRESPONSIBLE.

YOU CAN'T KEEP HER.

YOU WANT TO THROW MOLLY BACK

OUT ON THE STREETS,

BACK TO HER JUNKIE MOTHER,

INSTEAD OF TAKING HER IN

AND LOVING HER

UNTIL SHE GOES ON TO PLAY

COLLEGE FOOTBALL FOR OLE MISS?

THAT IS THE PREMISE

OF "THE BLIND SIDE."

THIS IS MY RESPONSIBILITY.

YOU WON'T EVEN NOTICE

THAT SHE'S HERE...

(lowered voice) ALTHOUGH SHE

DOES PLAY THE FRENCH HORN.

(chuckles)

OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S FINE. I DON'T CARE.

YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

I HAVE MY OWN STUFF

TO DEAL WITH, SO...

I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE A VERY BUSY 72 HOURS

COMING UP.

OKAY.

MOLLY.

KIMONO.

BURKA.

SOMBRERO.

HELLO, JOYCE.

I PICKED UP YOUR DRY CLEANING,

I GOT YOUR COFFEE,

AND I MARKED

OUR QUARTERLY REPORT,

AND IT'S READY

FOR REVIEW AND SIGNATURE.

WALK WITH ME.

UH, YES.

(whirring)

I'M IMPRESSED

WITH YOU, JUNE.

(keypad beeps)

I'M USUALLY THE LAST ONE

TO LEAVE THE OFFICE,

BUT I WAS IN HERE

LATE LAST NIGHT

AND SAW YOU WORKING.

DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME

AS I PASSED?

I WAS WEARING MY SWEATER

WITH THE LITTLE BELLS ON IT.

NO, I DIDN'T.

I THOUGHT SO.

YOU DIDN'T SAY BYE.

MY POINT IS, I'M IMPRESSED WITH

THE DEDICATION YOU'RE SHOWING.

I WANT YOU TO HELP OUT

WITH THE TOY-CON ACCOUNT.

IT'S A LOT TO SLOG THROUGH.

THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT?

ABSOLUTELY. (chuckles)

I AM A GREAT MULTITASKER.

(chuckles) JUGGLING IS NOT

JUST A FUN PASTIME

THAT DESTROYED MY WRISTS.

IT IS A WAY OF LIFE.

GREAT. OH, AND BY THE WAY,

LOT OF COMPLIMENTS.

OH. (chuckles)

(beeping)

"...GIVING A NEW MEANING

TO THE TERM 'DADDY'S GIRL.'

FADE OUT."

(exhales deeply)

"THE END."

WOW. IT'S THE ONE VERSION

OF BODY SWAP MOVIE

THAT'S NEVER BEEN ATTEMPTED

BEFORE--

FATHER AND DAUGHTER.

(sighs)

BUT CAN I PULL IT OFF?

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER BEEN

A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL BEFORE.

I'VE HAD TONS

OF 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL FANS,

COUNTLESS STALKERS,

THOUSANDS OF DREAMS

WHERE I WAS ONE,

BUT I DON'T KNOW

IF I COULD BECOME ONE.

YOU JUST NEED TO PREPARE.

LIKE WITH ANY ROLE, YOU HAVE

TO BE AROUND A PRETEEN GIRL,

GET INSIDE HER HEAD,

AND WHO BETTER TO TEACH YOU

THAN LASHIPKA HERSELF?

LUTHER, CLEAR MY SCHEDULE.

WE NEED TO MAKE

CINEMATIC HISTORY!

SIR, IT HAS BEEN CLEAR

FOR WEEKS.

(horns honk)

(sighs) OHH.

(door closes)

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHERE'S CHLOE?

MAY I TELL HER

WHO'S ASKING?

IT'S JUNE.

JUNE...

GOT IT.

UH, SHE'S IN SEATTLE.

THE ARGENTINEAN DIPLOMAT

IS A FAN OF "GREY'S ANATOMY."

WAIT. WHAT? SHE JUST

LEFT YOU HERE LIKE THAT?

UNBELIEVABLE.

OH. I'LL GET HER FOR YOU.

(beeps)

HI. I'VE--I'VE GOT JUNE.

(lowered voice)

I'M PUTTING HER THROUGH.

(cell phone rings)

(beeps)

CHLOE.

HI. WHO KNEW SEATTLE WAS

SO RAINY? BRR.

WHAT THE HELL ARE

YOU DOING?!

UM, WORKING.

MY BUSY SEASON?

YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE OFF

TO SEATTLE.

YOU HAVE A CHILD.

YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES.

UM, THAT'S WHY I HAVE

A CHILD,

BECAUSE I HAVE

RESPONSIBILITIES.

MOLLY, ARE YOU THERE?

I'M HERE, CHLOE.

CAN YOU EXTEND MY TRIP

FOR A DAY?

I JUST NEED SOME TIME

TO MYSELF.

OKAY, DO YOU WANT TO BE

ON THE SAME FLIGHT BACK,

JUST ONE DAY LATER, OR--

FIGURE IT OUT, MOLLY. BYE.

(beeps)

(sighs) OHH.

(beeps)

THIS IS THE LAST THING

THAT I NEED TO DEAL WITH.

I HAVE TO GO

THROUGH THE TOY-CON ACCOUNT,

AND MARK WANTS ME TO LOOK OVER

SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE

OF PEPPER WEIGHING

THE BEANS.

HAVE YOU EATEN YET?

GREAT. I'LL JUST DO IT.

MM. THIS IS SO LIKE CHLOE,

LEAVING YOU HERE EATING

CHOCOLATE FOR DINNER.

SORRY. I SHOULDN'T DISPARAGE

YOUR GUARDIAN IN FRONT OF YOU.

RELAX. I LEFT MY LAST HOME

WHEN "20/20" BROKE DOWN THE DOOR

TO DO AN EXPOSE.

THIS IS LIKE

A SLUMBER PARTY.

I AM SO SORRY.

I THINK I SAW THAT EPISODE.

(door opens)

AH. (sighs) I'M HOME.

OH, MOLLY,

DID YOU INTEND TO BOOK ME

AT A HOTEL

WITH THE SCRATCHIEST TOWELS

IN SEATTLE,

OR WAS THAT A COINCIDENCE?

I-I'M SORRY. (chuckles)

HEY, YOU'RE HOME!

(lowered voice) THIS IS EXACTLY

WHAT I DIDN'T WANT TO HAPPEN!

WHAT, YOU NOT KNOWING HOW

TO APPLY EYELINER?

NO. YOU ABANDONING MOLLY.

THIS IS JUST LIKE

YOUR GOLDFISH OR YOUR PLANT.

AS IF I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH

TO DO,

YOU LEAVE ME WITH YOUR KID.

WOW, JUNE. UNBELIEVABLE.

I LOVE HOW, WHEN YOU'RE UPSET,

SHE'S MY KID.

SHE'S YOUR KID, TOO,

YOU KNOW?

WHAT?

OH. I SAID

WE WERE LESBIAN CO-PARENTS.

COME ON, JUNE, YOU MOVED IN

THE FIRST DAY WE MET.

I BAGGED ME

QUITE THE TROPHY.

OH!

(door closes)

OF COURSE I HAD TO SAY WE WERE

LESBIAN LOVER CO-PARENTS.

THEY NEVER WOULD HAVE GIVEN

A KID TO A SINGLE MOM

WHO DOESN'T HAVE

AN "OFFICIAL JOB."

HOW DID YOU MAKE ME

A CO-PARENT WITH ME KNOWING?!

DON'T YOU REMEMBER

WHEN THAT SOCIAL WORKER

CAME BY THE HOUSE

TO SEE IF WE WERE

FIT PARENTS?

YOU MEAN THAT WOMAN

THAT CAME TO INTERVIEW US

FOR THAT APARTMENT BLOG?

AND OVER HERE IS OUR BOOKSHELF

MADE OF RECLAIMED WOOD...

AH.

AND THIS OVER HERE IS

OUR READING NOOK.

(chuckles)

WE'RE IN BETWEEN CATS

AT THE MOMENT.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S NO FUR.

MM.

SO THAT PAPER THAT I SIGNED

WAS NOT A PHOTO RELEASE?

THAT WAS YOU GETTING

A FOSTER KID.

THAT WAS THE MOMENT

YOU GOT A KID.

ANYWAY, IT'S A MOOT POINT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, NOW THAT

MY BUSY SEASON'S OVER,

I DON'T NEED

THE EXTRA HELP.

PLUS, SHE WASN'T

A GREAT ASSISTANT.

I MEAN, EVERY DAY

BETWEEN 9:00 AND 3:00,

I COULD NOT GET AHOLD

OF HER.

OHH. SHE WAS AT SCHOOL.

YOU CANNOT FIRE YOUR DAUGHTER.

LORD KNOWS THIS IS NOT

THE BEST TIME FOR ME

WITH MY JOB

AND MY INTERNSHIP,

BUT WE HAVE

A RESPONSIBILITY TO MOLLY--

HI. WE WERE JUST TALKING.

WE'RE NOT FIGHTING.

IS--IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?

I-I NEED SOMEONE

TO MAKE ME A COSTUME.

I'M PLAYING THE DRAGON

IN "FLOWER DRUM SONG."

(inhales deeply)

OH, I WOULD LOVE TO,

BUT I'M ACTUALLY MAKING

A DRAGON COSTUME

FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.

THEY JUST ASKED, SO...

(sighs)

(chuckles)

(horns honk in distance)

(whispers) WHAT TIME IS IT?

OH.

(lowered voice)

UH, JOYCE. (chuckles)

WHAT?

UM... (chuckles)

I-I WAS WONDERING IF, UH--

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

UM, UH, I-I HATE TO--

I HATE TO DO THIS,

BUT I-I ACTUALLY--

CAN YOU HEAR HER?

NO, JOYCE.

YOU SEE?

SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU EITHER.

NEITHER MICHELLE NOR I

CAN HEAR YOU.

(normal voice)

I HATE TO DO THIS,

BUT I HAVE SOMETHING

I NEED TO GO DO AT 4:00.

MY DAUGHTER'S IN A PLAY.

DAUGHTER? YOU NEVER MENTIONED

YOU HAD A KID.

OKAY. UH, WELL, MY ROOMMATE

UNWITTINGLY SIGNED ME UP

FOR A FOSTER CHILD,

AND SHE HAS A PLAY,

AND I DON'T WANT HER TO LOOK OUT

AND SEE AN EMPTY CHAIR.

YOUR ROOMMATE UNWITTINGLY SIGNED

YOU UP FOR A FOSTER CHILD,

AND SHE HAS A PLAY,

AND YOU DON'T WANT HER

TO JUST LOOK OUT THERE AND SEE

AN EMPTY CHAIR?

JUNE, JUNE, JUNE, JUNE, JUNE,

JUNE, JUNE, JUNE, JUNE.

JUNE.

(doorbell rings)

KIERNAN, HEY. COME ON IN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING

TO DRINK?

I DON'T REALLY HAVE

ANY KID DRINKS,

BUT, UH, I-I COULD JUST

GIVE YOU SOME COFFEE.

YOU COULD SIP IT

THROUGH A STRAW.

SURE. THANKS.

I HEARD, UH, JON HAMM'S

REALLY GOOD AT BASKETBALL.

IS THAT TRUE?

IS JANUARY JONES A ROBOT?

CAN I HAVE YOUR BOOTS?

CHLOE, KIERNAN IS HERE

SO THAT WE CAN WORK.

FINE. GUESS I'LL JUST READ

A SCRIPT OR SOMETHING.

"CHECK, PLEASE!"

THAT SOUNDS FUN.

ALL RIGHT. HAVE A SEAT.

SO MY AGENT CALLED AND SAID

YOU WANTED TO HANG OUT

AND STUDY ME?

YEAH. YEAH, SINCE WE'RE,

UH, YOU KNOW,

WE'RE SWAPPING BODIES

IN THE MOVIE,

I JUST FIGURED,

UH, I SHOULD, YOU KNOW,

KINDA GET INSIDE YOUR HEAD

AND, YOU KNOW,

SEE WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM,

GET MY TWEEN ON.

DON'T SAY THAT.

NO?

WELL, I-I HEARD IT A LOT

AT THE KIDS' CHOICE AWARDS.

I GOT SLIMED IN '04.

(chuckles)

THAT'S SO LONG AGO.

GUYS, LISTEN TO THIS.

ALEX AND JANE ARE REALLY NERVOUS

BECAUSE THE FOOD CRITIC

IS COMING TO THEIR RESTAURANT

ON OPENING NIGHT.

THEN JAVIER ACCIDENTALLY

DEEP-FRIES A PAIR OF GLASSES,

AND THEY SAY, "JAVIER, YOU NEED

TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE."

THAT'S EXACTLY

WHAT JUNE SAID TO ME!

I'M JAVIER,

AND MOLLY IS THE GLASSES!

DON'T MIND CHLOE.

SHE'S TOTES CRAY-CRAY.

DON'T SAY THAT EITHER.

WHEN JUNE SAID IT, I THOUGHT

IT WAS THE DUMBEST THING

I'D EVER HEARD,

BUT SOMEHOW, READING IT

IN THIS TELEVISION SCRIPT

BY... THESE THREE JEWS,

IT SUDDENLY HIT HOME.

SOMETIMES,

THINGS DON'T CLICK

UNTIL HOLLYWOOD REALLY

SPELLS THEM OUT FOR YOU.

AHEM.

AHEM.

STOP IT.

STOP IT.

NO, SERIOUSLY.

NO, SERIOUSLY.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(indistinct conversations,

espresso machine gurgles)

OKAY. VANILLA LATTE.

THAT'LL BE $3.50.

MISS, PLEASE DON'T POUR

YOUR COFFEE INTO THE TRASH HOLE.

I ASKED "ROOM FOR CREAM?"

FOR THIS VERY REASON.

PEPPER, CAN I HAVE A LITTLE HELP

UP HERE? I'M SWAMPED.

NO! (chuckles)

PEPPER IS NOT HANDLING CASH

OR COFFEE ANYMORE, JUNE.

YOU KNOW THAT.

SO IS YOUR DAUGHTER GONNA

BE HERE ALL DAY?

BECAUSE THERE'S KIND OF

A POLICY...

(sighs)

AGAINST EMPLOYEES BRINGING

KIDS TO WORK.

(sighs) I'M SO SORRY. I JUST--

I COULDN'T FIND A SITTER.

HEY, ROBIN.

CAN YOU PLEASE BABYSIT

FOR ME?

NO. BUSY.

DON'T WORRY. SHE WON'T GET

IN THE WAY. (mouths words)

CAN YOU TAKE OFF

PARENTAL CONTROLS?

NO.

CAN I BUY "TINY WINGS"?

NO.

(bells jingling)

JUNE.

OH! LOOK WHO'S HERE.

(door closes)

FIRST YOU FLAKED

ON MOLLY'S PLAY,

AND THEN I ASK YOU

TO TAKE HER TO JAZZ CLASS,

AND YOU SAID YOU WOULD,

AND YOU DID NOT.

LOOK, I THOUGHT ABOUT

WHAT YOU SAID,

AND I DON'T JUST EXIST

IN A VACUUM,

AND I REALLY NEED

TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

FOR MY OWN ACTIONS.

WELL, I--TH--

I MEAN, THAT--THAT'S GREAT.

I'M--I'M REALLY GLAD

THAT YOU FEEL THAT WAY.

OKAY, SO MOLLY NEEDS

NEW KNEEPADS

FOR HER FLOOR ROUTINE,

SO I'M GONNA NEED,

UM, I'M GONNA NEED A CHECK

FOR HALF OF THAT.

NO. I CAN'T DO IT.

I DON'T WANT TO.

YOU! YOU! YOU HAVE NOT

CHANGED AT ALL.

IT'S ONE THING TO REALIZE THAT

YOU'RE A PARENT PHILOSOPHICALLY,

BUT IT'S ANOTHER THING

TO BE A PARENT.

YOU NEED TO COMMIT TO THIS.

YOU ARE EITHER IN

OR YOU ARE OUT, CHLOE.

OH. THEN I AM OUT. I DIDN'T

REALIZE I HAD A CHOICE. THANKS.

(cell phone rings)

YOU--

(bells jingling, beeps)

HELLO? HI. HI, JOYCE. HI.

I'M SO SORRY I FORGOT TO E-MAIL

YOU THOSE TOY-CON DOCUMENTS.

I'M STILL AT WORK--

WHAT? NO. NO!

LOOK, OKAY, LOOK,

I KNOW I HAVE A KID,

BUT I CAN DO THIS JOB

JUST AS--JUST AS WELL

AS ANY OTHER EMPLOYEE.

NO, I-I DIDN'T KNOW

THAT MICHELLE HAD

AN INHOSPITABLE WOMB,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I-I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR

THAT YOU REWARD HER FOR THAT.

MA'AM! MA'AM, PLEASE DON'T POUR

THAT COFFEE DOWN THE HOLE.

WHERE DO YOU THINK

THE LIQUID GOES?

JOYCE? J--

(whispers) CRAP!

(beeps)

IS CHLOE MAD AT ME?

BECAUSE I ASKED HER

IF SHE WANTED TO ROLL CALLS,

AND SHE SAID I'M NOT

HER ASSISTANT ANYMORE.

HONEY, NO.

YOU'RE NOT

HER ASSISTANT ANYMORE.

YOU'RE OUR--WELL...

(chuckles) YOU'RE MY CHILD,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE

JUST FINE.

(sighs) THAT'S TOO BAD,

BECAUSE WORKING FOR CHLOE

WAS FUN, AND YOU'RE KINDA LAME.

YOU HAVE A LOT OF RULES.

LAME? YOU THINK I'M LAME?

AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE

FOR YOU? (chuckles)

I MEAN, I SPENT 19 HOURS...

(chuckles)

SEWING YOU A DRAGON COSTUME,

AND, YOU KNOW,

I JUST GOT FIRED

FROM MY INTERNSHIP

TO GO TO YOUR PLAY.

(raised voice) I WORK TWO JOBS

TO GIVE YOU A LIFE,

AND NO ONE CARES--

NOT YOU, NOT CHLOE,

NOT JOYCE,

NOT LUCKY, LUCKY,

STERILE MICHELLE!

WOULD IT KILL ANYONE

TO SAY THANK YOU,

TO LOOK OVER AT ME AND SAY,

"JUNE, HEY, WE SEE YOU,

WE SEE YOU, AND THANK YOU"?!

YOUR BREATH SMELLS

WHEN YOU YELL.

YOUR BREATH SMELLS

WHEN YOU YELL!

(screaming)

YOUR BREATH SMELLS WHEN

YOU YELL!

YOUR BREATH SMELLS

WHEN YOU YELL!

OH, MY GOD.

SHE'S SHAKING HER BABY.

YOU SUCKED

IN "FLOWER DRUM SONG"!

YOU'RE KILLING YOUR MOTHER!

WHY?!

(gasps, panting)

OH, WHAT HAPPENED?

SHH. SHH.

YOU BLACKED OUT.

YOU'RE OVERWORKED.

YOU TOOK ON TOO MUCH.

DID I SHAKE OUR BABY?

YEAH. YEAH, YOU DID.

OH, MY GOD. IS SHE OKAY?

DON'T WORRY.

I TOOK CARE OF IT.

I USED THE IT'S JUST BEANS

SECURITY FOOTAGE

OF YOU SHAKING MOLLY

TO PROVE TO CHILD SERVICES

THAT YOU'RE

AN UNFIT MOTHER.

YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE

TO LEAD A GIRL SCOUT TROOP

OR SPONSOR A HUNGRY CHILD.

OH, GOD. MY BABY.

DON'T WORRY.

SHE'S GOING ON

TO A GOOD, STABLE HOME.

I USED MY CONNECTIONS

AND HOOKED HER UP

WITH THE AMBASSADOR TO MOROCCO

AND HIS WIFE.

THEY'VE BEEN TRYING

TO ADOPT FOR YEARS.

EVERYONE WHO'S EVER WORKED

ON MY DESK GOES ON

TO BIGGER

AND BETTER THINGS.

WOW.

FOR ONCE, YOU CLEANED UP

YOUR OWN MESS.

YEAH, WELL, AFTER I SAW YOU

FREAKING OUT AT THE COFFEE SHOP,

I REALIZED IT WAS

BECAUSE OF SOMETHING I HAD DONE,

AND I DO NEED

TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

FOR MY OWN ACTIONS.

I GUESS YOU NEEDED

MORE RESPONSIBILITY,

AND I NEEDED LESS.

I THOUGHT I COULD HANDLE IT,

BUT I GUESS I CAN'T.

(chuckles)

REMEMBER WHEN I THOUGHT

I COULD TAKE CARE

OF A PLANT?

HA! (laughing)

I COULDN'T EVEN TAKE CARE

OF A KID.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO

WITH A PLANT?

(laughs)

AH. MOLLY.

SHE REALLY IS GONE.

IT'S SO QUIET.

HMM.

(sniffs)

(door closes)

YOU EMBARRASSED ME

IN FRONT OF JENKINS

AT THE BUSINESS MEETING

TODAY.

OH, YOU'RE EMBARRASSED?

YOU GOT MY PERIOD

DURING CHEERLEADER TRYOUTS.

I CAN NEVER SHOW MY FACE

AT SCHOOL AGAIN!

DO YOU THINK THIS IS EASY

FOR ME?

DO YOU THINK I LIKE HAVING

TO SIT WHILE I PEE?!

DO YOU THINK I LIKE HAVING

TO MAKE OUT WITH MOMMY?!

(sighs) OH, MY GOD.

CUT! THIS IS A DISASTER!

(buzzer)

(crew speaking indistinctly)

WHAT?

WELL, I-I THOUGHT THAT WAS

WORKING PRETTY WELL.

HOW--HOW'D THAT FEEL

FOR YOU?

OHH. THIS IS A TRAIN WRECK.

I-I THOUGHT THAT WAS SOME

OF MY BEST WORK EVER.

I MEAN...

HEY, WHOA, WHOA. I'M STILL

WORKING ON THAT, A-ACTUALLY.

Captioned by

Closed Captioning Services, Inc.