Original subtitles

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MOTHER'S DAY CARD.

I LIKE TO MAKE MY OWN,

TELL HER HOW I REALLY

FEEL.

(door opens)

WELL, DEAN CAIN'S

A FREAKIN' HERO.

IT'S ALL OVER THE INTERNET.

(door closes)

A MOBILE GROOMING VAN

CAUGHT ON FIRE,

AND DEAN SAVED

EVERY SINGLE DOG INSIDE.

EVEN THE POODLES?

YEAH. WHAT AN ATTENTION

WHORE.

OH, NO.

(siren wails,

indistinct shouting)

THERE'S A DEAD BODY

UNDERNEATH THAT TARP.

(dog yelping)

OH, IT'S JUST PUPPIES!

OHH.

(woman) I LOVE YOU, DEAN CAIN!

FIRST HE'S SUPERMAN ON TV.

NOW HE'S SUPERMAN IN REAL LIFE?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED

TO COMPETE WITH THAT

ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS"?

OH, NO. IT'S HAPPENING.

YOU'RE IN IT.

OH, NO. I'M IN IT.

WAIT. OH. YOU'RE IN WHAT?

MY HEAD. I... UGH!

I CAN'T GET

OUT!

I CAN'T DANCE

NEXT TO SUPERMAN!

I'M GONNA MAKE A FOOL OUT

OF

MYSELF ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

WHEN THAT HAPPENS,

I GET IN MY HEAD.

AND WHEN I GET IN MY HEAD--

IT'S OKAY. YOU CAN SHOW JUNE.

BRACE YOURSELF.

(gasps

OHH.

THIS HAPPENS. (pants)

STRESS-INDUCED FLOP SWEAT.

JAMES, YOU NEED

TO STOP

OBSESSING.

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

YOU WORK YOURSELF UP LIKE THIS.

REMEMBER WHY YOU GOT RECAST

FROM THAT SEAN PENN MOVIE?

WANT TO SUCK

ON

SOMETHING

COOL?

THANKS FOR GETTING IT

STARTED FOR ME.

(man) AW, CUT IT.

CUT. GET ME FRANCO.

(buzzer)

WAIT. WAIT. W-W-W--ONE MORE.

YOU TRY MAKING OUT

WITH ONE OF THE GREATEST ACTORS

OF THIS GENERATION.

JAMES, YOU JUST NEED TO RELAX

AND TAKE YOUR MIND OFF

THINGS.

GET A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE.

IT'S JUST A DANCE SHOW.

YEAH, THAT MILLIONS OF PEOPLE

WATCH EVERY WEEK.

I WILL NOT BE EMBARRASSED

ON THAT

STAGE.

I'M GONNA GET SERIOUS.

I'M PREPARING FOR THE GREATEST

ROLE OF MY CAREER... ME.

AREN'T YOU GETTING

A LITTLE OLD FOR THAT

PART?

OH

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

OOH, FUN

UMBRELLA!

OH, THANK YOU. MY GRANDSON

JUST

GAVE IT TO ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

OH, SO YOU'RE A PISCES.

UH-HUH

OKAY, I'M BACK.

BYE, "MURDER, SHE WROTE."

STAY DRY! CHLOE! WHAT THE HELL?!

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE FRIENDLY?!

BECAUSE FRIENDLY'S

A WASTE OF

TIME.

"HEY, HOW ARE YOU?"

"I'M GREAT. HOW ARE YOU?"

"I'M GREAT."

BACK AND FORTH UNTIL YOU DIE.

FRIENDLY IS NOT

A WASTE OF TIME.

FRIENDLY HAS GOTTEN

ME

700 FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK,

ONE IN EACH OF THE 50 STATES,

3 IN GUAM.

I ALWAYS KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON IN GUAM.

PLEASE.

THOSE PEOPLE ARE ALL FAKE.

HOW MANY OF THEM

ARE YOUR REAL FRIENDS?

HOW MANY OF THEM

WILL CALL YOU OUT

IF YOU SAY "GUAC"

INSTEAD OF

"GUACAMOLE"?

OH, THAT REMINDS ME,

I GOTTA CALL JAMES

AND TELL HIM HE WAS SAYING

"PRIMO" TOO MUCH LAST NIGHT.

(phone rings)

(beep)

HELLO, MEMO PARIS.

WHAT? WHO'S THAT?

KIM BASINGER'S

CHARACTER

IN "THE NATURAL." REMEMBER?

THE SUCCUBUS WHO ALMOST

DESTROYED ROBERT REDFORD'S

baseball career.

LUTHER, CAN YOU STOP BEING

GAY

FOR ONE SECOND AND PUT JAMES ON?

JAMES IS UNAVAILABLE.

HE'S BEGUN

AN INTENSE TRAINING

REGIMEN

and wants no distractions.

WE'VE RELOCATED

TO AN UNDISCLOSED

LOCATION.

PUT JAMES ON THE PHONE!

No

I AM THE GATEKEEPER.

BE GONE, SUCCUBUS.

Luther, you--

(beep)

99...

100.

(pants) ALL RIGHT. LUTHER.

WE'VE GOT A VERY BIG TASK

AHEAD OF US.

WE'VE GOT TO PREPARE

MY MIND AND MY BODY

FOR "DANCING WITH THE STARS."

FIRST THE BODY. WHAT DOES

THE WORKOUT SCHEDULE SAY?

"TIME FOR TEN MINUTES

OF RESISTANCE WORK,

FOLLOWED BY LIGHT STRETCHING

AND A QUICK PEE."

(whispers) OKAY.

(normal voice) NOW THE MIND.

I'M GONNA SAY SOME NAMES.

YOU TELL ME

WHAT THEY HAVE IN COMMON.

GENE KELLY, FRED ASTAIRE,

JOHN

TRAVOLTA.

MALE. THEY WERE ALL MALE.

NO.

REALLY?

NO, I MEAN, THAT'S

NOT

WHAT THEY HAD IN COMMON.

THEY WERE ALL DANCERS

WHO HAD THE MENTAL STAMINA

TO NOT LET THEIR NERVES

GET TO THEM. NOW...

UNFORTUNATELY,

I'M NOT THAT LUCKY.

YOU KNOW WHO WASN'T LUCKY?

PRINCESS DIANA.

SO I FOUND THE BEST DOCTOR

IN THE COUNTRY--DR. RUBINSTEIN.

HE'S GONNA GIVE ME THESE SHOTS

UNDERNEATH MY ARMS

SO THAT I DON'T SWEAT.

SO, EVEN

IF I'M TERRIFIED INSIDE,

ON THE OUTSIDE

I'LL BE DRY AS A FLOUR TORTILLA.

SO DON'T ADDRESS

THE CORE

ISSUE,

JUST PUT A TEMPORARY

BAND-AID ON IT? LOVE.

(exhaling deeply)

SO MY NEW SOFA CAME.

AND?

YOU WERE RIGHT.

OOH. "MOBY DICK"?

THAT'S FANCY.

JENNIFER CHOSE IT

FOR BOOK CLUB.

OH, THAT'S A FUN THING

TO DO TOGETHER.

IT'S THE ONE

NIGHT

SHE DRINKS WINE AND GETS FREAKY.

(whispers)

SHE GETS ON TOP, JUNE.

OKAY.

(dishes clatter)

WELL, THAT'S GREAT. IT'S GOOD

TO HAVE THINGS TO ASPIRE TO.

PROBLEM IS, SHE TAKES

THE DISCUSSION VERY SERIOUSLY,

AND I'M ON PAGE 8 OF 704.

IF I CAN'T FIND HIDDEN THEMES,

SHE PUTS ON HER MOUTH

GUARD

AND CALLS IT A NIGHT.

(door bells jingle)

(sighs)

LUTHER HAS CUT ME OFF

FROM JAMES.

I'VE BEEN CALLING AND CALLING,

AND I CAN'T GET THROUGH.

I HATE THAT BROKE-DOWN HO.

I THINK LUTHER'S NICE.

OH. REALLY? WHEN DID YOU

BECOME HIS NUMBER ONE SUPER FAN?

LUTHER, MEET JUNE.

JUNE, LUTHER.

DID YOUR GRANDMOTHER

MAKE PIES?

YES! DID YOURS?

YES!

HI!

OH, HI!

WE MEET FOR PEDICURES

ONCE A WEEK NOW.

OH, THAT'S SO SWEET. HAS HIS

CYCLE LINKED UP WITH YOURS, TOO?

(door bells jingle)

SEE? THAT IS WHY LUTHER

DOESN'T

LIKE YOU--BECAUSE YOU ARE

RUDE.

WHY WOULD HE DO ANYTHING FOR YOU

WHEN YOU'RE SUCH A BITCH TO HIM?

OH, I GET IT.

SO IF I'M NICE TO LUTHER,

HE'LL GIVE ME ACCESS TO JAMES.

JUNE, THAT IS THE FIRST HELPFUL

THING YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME.

SO IF I CLOSE

THE BATHROOM DOOR,

THEN IT'S LIKE

A LITTLE

SANCTUARY?

JUNE, THAT IS THE FIRST

HELPFUL

THING YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME.

COME ON, JUNE. TEACH ME.

TEACH ME HOW TO BE NICE.

NO--YOU'RE NOT GONNA LISTEN

TO ME, AND YOU'RE JUST GONNA

MAKE FUN OF EVERYTHING

THAT I HAVE TO SAY.

COME ON.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

NO.

YOU KNOW,

TEACHING SOMEONE TO BE

FRIENDLY

IS THE FRIENDLIEST

THING OF ALL.

YES. YES, OF COURSE,

A THOUSAND YESES.

OF COURSE I WILL DO IT!

OKAY. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS

REMEMBER THE ACRONYM "P.E.N.S."

PAY ATTENTION, EYE CONTACT,

NOTICE DETAILS, AND SMILE.

(horn honks in distance)

♪♪

HEY. SO YOU'RE OKAY WITH

WEARING ELASTIC WAIST PANTS?

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

NICE CHEST BALLOONS.

WHAT DID THOSE LAND YOU?

PRODUCE MANAGER? MAILMAN?

HEY, MARK.

WHICH HALF OF YOU IS BLACK?

HEY, YOU REMEMBERED

MY NAME. NICE!

WHAT? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

THERE'S SOMEONE

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO.

(click)

(crowd cheering,

woman speaking indistinctly)

WHO IS THAT SINEWY

MORNING PRINCESS?

THIS IS KELLY

RIPA.

SHE'S THE FRIENDLIEST

WOMAN ON THE PLANET.

WATCH HER. LEARN FROM HER.

(laughs)

WHAT IS SHE LAUGHING ABOUT?

(giggles) SOMETHING.

(giggles)

I DON'T CARE WHERE HER

AND HER HUSBAND WENT FOR DINNER.

ALTHOUGH,

I DON'T LIKE CURRY EITHER,

SO I DO UNDERSTAND

HER

FRUSTRATION.

OH. SHE GOT STUCK IN TRAFFIC

IN THE HOLLAND TUNNEL.

THAT'S HAPPENED

TO ME BEFORE.

MM-HMM.

SHE'S GOING AROUND THE CITY

TO FIND THE BEST CUPCAKE.

I DEFINITELY HAVE OPINIONS

ON THAT, KELLY RIPA!

ARE THERE REALLY ONLY 50

SHOPPING DAYS TILL VALENTINE'S?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GET

YOUR HUSBAND MARK?

YOU PAID ATTENTION.

YOU MADE EYE CONTACT.

YOU ANSWERED HER EVEN THOUGH

SHE COULDN'T HEAR

YOU.

YOU ARE READY.

(laughs)

(barks)

(brakes squeal)

OKAY. LUTHER IS ONLY

EXPECTING ME,

SO HE'S GONNA FREAK OUT

WHEN HE SEES YOU,

BUT JUST STAY THE COURSE.

DIDN'T THIS USE TO BE

A CHINESE TAKEOUT PLACE?

IT STILL IS.

MRS. NGUYEN HAD

THE NAIL SALON,

AND MR. NGUYEN HAD

A WAY WITH NOODLES,

SO THEY FELL IN LOVE,

AND HERE WE ARE.

HI, MRS. NGUYEN!

HI. I'M JUNE COLBURN.

I'M FRIENDS WITH THE SALON

ON FACEBOOK?

AHH, YES.

HEY, GIRL.

I'M JUST INPUTTING

JAMES' CALORIES FOR THE DAY,

AND THEN I WILL BE R--

OH, NO. NO, NO, NO,

NO.

(speaks Asian dialect)

Get that slut out of here.

LUTHER...

I'M NOT TELLING

YOU

WHERE JAMES IS.

I UNDERSTAND, AND...

(grunts)

I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO.

COFFEE?

LOOK, I'M SORRY THAT

I'VE BEEN SUCH A BITCH TO YOU.

I'M WORKING ON IT.

I'VE JUST NEVER REALLY

BEEN GOOD AT

PEOPLE.

I DIDN'T HAVE

A GRANDMOTHER WHO MADE PIES.

WHAT DID YOUR GRANDMA

MAKE?

EMOTIONAL

SCARS?

YEAH.

AND A PRETTY GOOD

PLUM COBBLER.

WHAT KIND OF PLUMS

DID SHE USE?

BLACK BEAUTIES

OR CASSELMANS?

FRIARS.

(gasps)

THAT IS A FRAGILE

PLUM.

(can tabs click)

(both slurping)

SO I SENT

DR. RUBINSTEIN'S ASSISTANT,

WHO HE IS SURELY BOFFING,

A BOX OF SALTWATER TAFFY

FROM THE BOARDWALK,

FROM ATLANTIC CITY,

AND THAT'S HOW I GOT JAMES IN

SO QUICKLY. (chuckles)

LUTHER, I HAVE TO BE HONEST.

AT FIRST

I THOUGHT YOU WERE BEING A

DIVA

FOR BLOCKING ME FROM

JAMES,

BUT AFTER TALKING TO YOU,

MAYBE IT IS BETTER

IF JAMES FOCUSES ON TRAINING

AND NOT HAVE

DISTRACTIONS FROM ME.

YES.

WELL, JAMES DOES

GET VERY INTENSE

WHEN HE'S PREPARING FOR

ROLES,

AND I GUESS I DO, TOO.

SO I APOLOGIZE

FOR CALLING YOU A SUCCUBUS.

THAT'S OKAY.

I KNEW YOU TWO

WOULD WORK IT OUT.

I HAVE TO SAY,

I AM PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.

I'VE SEEN A DIFFERENT

SIDE OF YOU TODAY, CHLOE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, LADIES?

SHALL WE KEEP THIS PARTY GOING?

I GOT A PACK OF CIGARETTES

IN MY FREEZER,

AND I LIVE WITHIN SHOUTING

DISTANCE OF LINDA RONSTADT.

(Luther and June giggle)

CHLOE?

(door closes)

(Chloe) YEAH!

(car door opens)

NO ONE KEEPS ME FROM MY JAMES!

SO LONG, SUCKAS!

SHE GOT JAMES' PHONE.

(whispers) SUCCUBUS.

(normal voice, speaks

Asian dialect) Double

time,

Shirley! We Gotta go!

(door closes)

(knock on door)

LUTHER. FINALLY. I'M PARCHED.

DID YOU GET MY

JUICE--

HEY, JORGE.

HEY, W-WHAT ARE YOU

DOING HERE?

I FAKE-RIPA'D LUTHER.

I STOLE YOUR PHONE FROM

HIM

AND THEN USED THE GPS

TO FIND YOU.

CAN YOU BELIEVE HE WAS TRYING

TO KEEP US FROM HANGING OUT?

WELL, I AM TRAINING, SO...

WHERE'S THE FAT GIRL?

WHAT?

THE FAT GIRL

PUTTING LOTION ON HERSELF.

AREN'T WE INSIDE THE WELL

FROM "SILENCE OF THE LAMBS"?

THIS IS

MY RUSTIC TRAINING BUNKER.

IT'S PURPOSELY SPARSE

SO I CAN FOCUS.

YEAH, ABOUT THAT,

YOU HAVE TO STOP DOING THAT.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME FUN,

AND YOU'RE GONNA FORGET

ALL ABOUT YOUR DANCE RECITAL.

IT'S NOT A DANCE RECITAL.

IT'S--

OOH!

LET'S FIND A FIRE ESCAPE

AND THROW CROUTONS AT PEOPLE.

COME ON. OH. I JUST

HAVE TO DO ONE THING

FIRST.

"KISS MY A"?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS

SHE RAN OUT OF EGG ROLLS.

(gasps) WHAT WAS I THINKING,

TRUSTING HER?

OF COURSE SHE DIDN'T WANT

TO LEARN HOW TO BE FRIENDLY.

HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONNA BE

TAKEN BY THIS GIRL?

IT'S LIKE MY

MOTHER

ALWAYS SAID.

NEVER TRUST A TALL WHITE

WOMAN.

OF COURSE,

MY MOTHER IS SHORTER THAN ME,

SO THAT'S EVERY WHITE WOMAN.

HERE?

MM-MM.

MM-MM.

MM-MM.

KEEP--RIGHT THERE.

WOW.

VERY

SMALL.

WE'RE GONNA NEED

MORE

CHAMPAGNE

IF I'M GONNA

FILL THAT TUB UP WITH IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE'RE HERE TO HAVE FUN

AND TRASH THE PLACE,

LIKE WE ALWAYS DO.

OH, CHLOE, I CAN'T.

I'VE GOTTA FINISH

TEN ROUNDS OF CIRCUIT TRAINING.

HEY. YOU'RE NOT

SWEATING ANYMORE.

I KNOW.

DR. RUBINSTEIN'S SHOTS WORKED.

I'M TERRIFIED INSIDE,

BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL OUTSIDE.

GREAT! LET'S CELEBRATE BY...

(door opens)

SMASHING THAT

DESK!

GUESS WHO?

(door closes)

UM, YOU?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HOW DID YOU EVEN FIND US?

I CALLED HIM.

WHAT? WHY?

'CAUSE I NEED TO STAY FOCUSED,

AND I REALIZED HE'S THE ONLY ONE

WHO CAN KEEP ME ON TRACK.

SHAZAM. ♪ DA DA-DA DA ♪

LUTHER.

I'D LOVE TO

RIDE

THE GLASS ELEVATOR WITH YOU

AND FLASH TOURISTS, BUT I NEED

TO NOT MAKE A FOOL OF

MYSELF

WHILE DANCING

NEXT TO SUPERMAN.

I CAN'T AFFORD ANY DISTRACTIONS,

AND, WELL, YOU'RE A DISTRACTION.

DUDE, WHAT YOU NEED

IS SOMEONE TO BE REAL WITH

YOU.

YOU NEED TO RELAX

AND BE YOURSELF

AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT.

WHY?! SO YOU CAN

HAVE YOUR PLAYMATE BACK?

THAT'S WHY YOU WOULD

NEVER MAKE A GOOD FRIEND--

BECAUSE YOU'RE SELFISH,

AND YOU ARE UNSUPPORTIVE.

NO, I'M JUST NOT FAKE

LIKE YOU AND YOUR

SINEWY MORNING PRINCESS.

OH, MY GOD.

(gasping)

ARE YOU HAPPY?

YOU HAVE UPSET HIM SO MUCH,

HE IS SOILING HIMSELF.

I DIDN'T SOIL MYSELF.

MY SWEAT MUST HAVE REDIRECTED.

I SHUT DOWN MY ARMPITS. IT MUST

HAVE FOUND ITS WAY TO MY THIGHS!

DUDE, IT LOOKS LIKE PEE.

SMILE

(camera shutter clicks)

JAMES, SOMEDAY, I PROMISE,

YOU'RE GONNA LOOK BACK

AND LAUGH AT

THIS.

I'M THERE NOW,

AND IT'S PRETTY HILARIOUS.

OH. I'VE SEEN

THOSE LOOKS BEFORE.

THEY'RE THE REASON I STOPPED

DOING STAND-UP. I'M LEAVING.

I MEAN, WHEN AM I GONNA LEARN?

CHLOE KEEPS TRICKING ME.

"LET'S GO ROLLERBLADING!"

I END UP THE MULE

FOR A DRUG DEAL.

"LET'S GO SEE

'DADDY DAY CARE.'"

I END UP ON A DATE

WITH DAVID ARQUETTE'S

ROOMMATE.

JUNE, DO YOU MIND? I'M TRYING

TO FINISH "MOBY DICK" HERE.

I ABANDONED THE READING

AND WENT FOR THE AUDIO.

I'M PLAYING IT ON FAST SPEED.

SOUNDS LIKE A BUNCH OF BORING

CHIPMUNKS, AND I LOVE CHIPMUNKS.

YOU'RE RIGHT,

MARK.

I AM SORRY.

UNLIKE CHLOE,

I AM A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND.

LET ME KNOW IF THERE'S

ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP YOU.

TOTALLY.

I MEAN RIGHT NOW, NOT LATER,

WHEN, UH, JENNIFER IS ON TOP,

WHICH I REMEMBER YOU

MENTIONING

THAT YOU LIKED A LOT.

BECAUSE I'M A GOOD FRIEND.

GO BACK TO YOUR BOOK,

OLD SILLY...

WANT-TO-BE-ON-THE-BOTTOM GUY.

I'M DRINKING

ALL THE ORANGE JUICE.

THERE'S ENOUGH HERE

FOR BOTH OF US,

BUT I'M GONNA DRINK IT ALL.

I'M IGNORING YOU.

I AM ICING YOU OUT.

I AM NOT GIVING YOU

ANY OF MY

ENERGY

OR MY THOUGHTS OR MY FOCUS.

YEP.

(thud)

THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.

WHEN FRIENDSHIP BLOWS COLD...

IT BLOWS ICY.

OH. GOOD GOD, WOMAN.

STOP BURYING ME

WITH YOUR WORD AVALANCHE.

I KNOW YOU THINK

I'M NOT A GOOD FRIEND,

BUT I HAVE REASONS

FOR DOING WHAT I DID.

I STOLE THE PHONE

SO I COULD GET TO

JAMES

AND GET HIM OUT OF HIS HEAD.

I KNOW HIM.

I'VE SEEN HIM OBSESS

ABOUT THINGS IN THE PAST,

AND IT NEVER GOES

WELL,

SO BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

I ACTUALLY AM

LOOKING OUT FOR HIM.

WELL, I GUESS--

I MEAN, YOU DO KNOW HIM

BETTER THAN

ANYONE--

PLUS, I SOLD HIS SWEAT PHOTO

TO THE PAPARAZZI. LOOK.

IT'S RIGHT HERE

ON CELEB PUDDING.

DAMN IT! SHE GOT ME AGAIN.

I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED

TO LUTHER'S MOTHER.

TALL WHITE

WOMEN

CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

(door closes)

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS.

DOES JAMES KNOW?

YEAH. I TEXTED

HIM.

WHY? WHY WOULD SHE DO THIS?

IF IT IS ANY CONSOLATION,

YOU ARE DRY AS A CRACKER.

I MEAN IT IN THE SALTINE WAY,

NOT THE DEROGATORY, HONKY WAY.

LOOK, I'VE BEEN TELLING JAMES

HE NEEDS TO RELAX

AND GET OUT OF HIS HEAD.

HE'S NOT GONNA

OUT-SUPERMAN DEAN

CAIN,

SO HE NEEDS TO BE

EVERYMAN.

THAT'S WHO PEOPLE VOTE

FOR.

PEOPLE LIKE THEIR CELEBRITIES

TO HAVE A FLAW

BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM

REAL.

MICHAEL J. FOX, FOR EXAMPLE--

ADORED BY MILLIONS.

ARE YOU TRICKING ME?

TRUST ME, THIS IS GONNA MAKE HIM

MORE POPULAR THAN EVER.

HMM.

(laughter,

indistinct conversations)

(laughing)

HEY, ROBIN,

HOW'D YOU GET THIS PHOTO?

DID SOMEONE SEND YOU

THE LINK?

YEAH, LIKE, TEN

PEOPLE.

IT'S THE NUMBER TWO

TRENDING TOPIC ON YAHOO!--

AFTER THAT FOOTAGE OF ALL

THOSE

MICE IN THE TORNADO.

(chuckles)

CHLOE'S RIGHT. IT WORKED.

HE IS

POPULAR.

OH. UH, NOT EXACTLY.

"DAWSON'S

CREEK

SPRINGS A LEAK,"

UH, "JAMES VAN DER

WEAK"...

SOMEONE DID A MEME

OF HIS THIGHS CRYING,

SET TO

THE "DAWSON'S CREEK"

THEME.

(music playing, man crying)

THERE ARE A LOT OF

CREATIVE

PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET...

(taps key)

AND I... AM ONE OF THEM.

(types)

(saxophone music playing)

I MADE THIS. "SAX

CAT."

THIS IS IS ONE SAX-Y CAT.

♪ M-M-M-MEOW MEOW MEOW ♪

CHLOE, YOUR STUPID PLAN

DIDN'T

WORK!

(door closes)

I KNOW. IT TOTALLY BACKFIRED.

I WOULD HAVE

NEVER

INTENTIONALLY HURT JAMES.

(banging on door)

(James) CHLOE.

OH, DAMN.

WHERE IS SHE?

(squeak)

HI.

WEIRD YOU CHOSE

TONIGHT

TO JUMP OVER.

MY CO-WORKERS FROM

THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT ARE

HERE.

SHONDA'S RETIRING. WE'RE

GIVING HER A LITTLE SEND-OFF.

YOU GUYS ARE ALL

IN VIOLATION...

OF BEING TOO SOBER.

(laughter)

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

I KNOW, BUT I'M SCARED.

DON'T BE.

I WANT TO THANK YOU.

THANK HER?

SHE JUST EMBARRASSED YOU

IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE WORLD.

EXACTLY.

I MEAN, YEAH,

AT FIRST I WAS DEVASTATED,

BUT THEN IT HIT ME--

NOTHING THAT HAPPENS

ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS"

COULD POSSIBLY

BE AS BAD AS

THAT.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS,

I'M OUT OF MY HEAD. I'M FREE.

SEE, THAT'S WHAT I'VE

BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU.

YOU'RE NOT SUPERMAN,

BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO BE,

BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU.

YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.

HEY, UH, QUESTION--

DID EITHER ONE OF US

EVER CHECK OUT OF THE BERGAMONT?

WAIT, WAIT,

HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

YOU JUST TOLD HIM THAT HE WASN'T

SUPERMAN, AND HE THANKED YOU.

I CAN'T EVEN DEFRIEND

THAT WEIRDO FROM GUAM.

BECAUSE THERE IS A DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN BEING A FRIEND

AND BEING FRIENDLY.

WHY DON'T YOU STOP BEING

KELLY RIPA FOR A MINUTE,

AND TRY IT?

TRY WHAT?

TELLING SOMEONE

SOMETHING THEY NEED TO HEAR,

EVEN IF THEY

DON'T

WANT TO HEAR IT.

OKAY.

CHLOE, I THINK

YOU PARTY TOO MUCH.

OH. RIGHT TO ME. OKAY, WELL,

THAT'S FINE. IT'S TRUE. I DO.

AND, JAMES? YOU

DO

TOO MANY CHRISTMAS MOVIES.

(chuckles) I DON'T CARE.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE INTERNET?

MY THIGHS ARE CRYING.

AND, ELI--

MY BOSS IS HERE--

MR. MONTGOMERY,

SO NOT A GOOD TIME FOR ME.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

WELL, YOU'LL GET A RAIN CHECK

FOR THAT REALNESS, THEN.

(inhales and exhales sharply)

WHERE YOU GOING?

I THINK I'M GONNA GO

HELP OUT ANOTHER FRIEND.

(door opens)

WHATEVER.

WHOO! YEAH!

I JUST THINK ISHMAEL'S

STRUGGLE AGAINST THE WHALE

REPRESENTS OUR OWN JOURNEY.

(whispers) YES.

(knock on door)

THOSE MUST BE THE CRULLERS

WE ORDERED FROM THE BAKERY.

I'M-A EAT TWO. (chuckles)

JUNE,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

MARK, I HAVE NOT BEEN

A GOOD FRIEND TO YOU.

I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU WHAT I REALLY

THINK ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO

READ "MOBY DICK"

TO GET YOUR GIRLFRIEND

TO GO ON TOP.

I MEAN, JENNIFER...

COME ON! JUST GET UP THERE!

YOU KNOW, HIT THE LIGHTS!

PUT ON A T-SHIRT!

DO WHATEVER YOU GOTTA DO!

TAKE YOUR PONYTAIL OUT!

DON'T WORRY ABOUT

THE DOUBLE CHINS!

JUST GET UP THERE

AND GET IN THE MOMENT!

OKAY.

OH.

FRIEND. CARRY ON.

(chuckles)

(sighs) GOOD NIGHT, HONEY.

(door closes)

GUY TEN YEARS AHEAD OF ME

IN HIGH SCHOOL--DEFRIEND.

(taps key)

MISS PIGGY--NOT REAL--UNFRIEND.

(knock on door)

ALL OF GUAM... UNFRIEND.

THIS IS A "THANK YOU"/

"I WILL NEVER LIKE YOU" COBBLER.

LOOK, WE

DON'T

HAVE TO LIKE EACH OTHER,

BUT WE'RE BOTH

IN JAMES' LIFE FOREVER.

CORRECT...

UNTIL HE GETS A WIFE.

SHE'LL BE FIERCELY

JEALOUS OF US,

BUT THEN WE'LL

UNITE

IN OUR HATRED FOR HER.

AND SLOWLY PROVE HER

TO BE CRAZY IN JAMES'

EYES.

I FEEL LIKE SHE'LL BE CALLED

LINDA. (whispers) I HATE HER.

LINDA.

I HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT IT.

MUST BE GOOD. (chuckles)

MMM!

(mouth full) IT'S REALLY GOOD.

THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.