Original subtitles

(computer chimes)

HI, MOM!

(singsongy)

HAPPY SPRING FORWARD!

DID YOU CHANGE

YOUR CLOCK?

(both) ONLY THE MICROWAVE.

THE REST CHANGE THEMSELVES!

(both laugh)

Ready for some

spring cleaning?

YES! CHLOE ACTUALLY GOT ME

SOME CLEANING SUPPLIES.

Whoo! What'd you get?

"LADY EVELYN'S

FEMININE WASH."

What's the picture on the box?

Is that woman rowing a boat?

OH, GOD. I GOTTA GO.

What is that--

(gasps) GOOD LORD. WHY ARE YOU

DRESSED LIKE A MECHANIC?

WHY DID YOU PICK ME UP

FEMININE WASH?

YOU SAID YOU NEEDED

CLEANING SUPPLIES.

OKAY, WELL, I'M OFF.

A MAN I CAN'T NAME

IS FLYING ME TO A PLACE

I CAN'T TELL YOU ABOUT.

IT'S PARIS!

WOW, I GAVE THAT UP EASY.

WAIT. SO PART OF SPRING CLEANING

IS ABOUT REORGANIZING.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE CHOKING,

AND I SAVED YOU,

AND THEN YOU SAID I COULD HAVE

SOME SHELF SPACE?

(sighs)

YOU CAN HAVE THAT ONE,

THIS ONE, THIS ONE,

AND THIS ONE.

(mouths words)

YOU CAN TOSS EVERYTHING OUT,

INCLUDING THE BOX OF

LOVE LETTERS FROM JEFF GOLDBLUM.

I NEED CLOSURE.

(door closes)

(jangling)

I THOUGHT I'D DONATE SOME

OF MY ROOMMATE'S OLD STUFF

TO THE CHURCH RUMMAGE SALE.

GOD LOVES A BARGAIN.

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH, JUNE.

TIMES ARE TOUGH. (chuckles)

AND WE CAN USE

ALL THE HELP WE--OH.

LOVE LETTERS

FROM A CELEBRITY.

I HAD A FAMOUS SUITOR MYSELF--

FREDERICK SPITZ.

THE FAMOUS PUPPETEER.

HIS HAND MANIPULATED A MUPPET

FOR 40 YEARS...

AND ME,

FOR ONE MAGICAL NIGHT.

(door unlocks)

(sighs)

CLEAN HOUSE, CLEAN MIND.

IT IS TUB TIME.

♪♪♪

(woman) ♪ YOU WERE NAVIGATING,

I WAS CALIBRATING ♪

♪ YOU WERE VALIDATING

ALL THAT I COULD BE ♪

♪ YOU WERE STIPULATING,

I WAS COMPLICATING ♪

♪ YOU INSINUATED

WE COULD ALL BE FREE, FREE ♪

♪ FREE, HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE ♪

♪ FREE, FREE, I-- ♪

I MISS MY PLANE--

(gasps)

NO, I WASN'T!

THIS MUST BE HOW MOMS FEEL ON

THE FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN.

STAND UP. GIVE ME A HUG.

(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT

PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

CORN DOG, HORNDOG?

(refrigerator door opens,

bottles rattle)

(scoffs) I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHY YOU'RE HERE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE

LEAVING TOWN.

THE PLANE LEFT WITHOUT ME,

AND I WAS EVEN ON TIME.

HE SAID TO BE THERE AT 11:00,

AND I GOT THERE AT 11:30.

MY LITTLE GIRL,

LEARNING TO PLAY THE LADY HARP.

(scoffs)

SO WHO WAS IT?

WHO WERE YOU STRUMMING TO?

NOPE. NOBODY. NOBODY.

SOY LATTE GUY.

HE COMES IN EVERY DAY,

HE ORDERS A SOY LATTE,

AND I CAN SEE HIS ABS

THROUGH HIS T-SHIRT.

(Yac-Yan Da Biznessman's

"Good Good" playing)

♪♪♪

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT WHAT, WHAT,

SHORTY GOT THAT GOOD, GOOD ♪

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT WHAT, WHAT,

SHORTY GOT THAT GOOD, GOOD ♪

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT WHAT, WHAT,

SHORTY GOT THAT-- ♪

DO HIM.

I CAN'T DO HIM.

HE'S NOT RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL.

HE DIDN'T KNOW WHO

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT WAS.

HE'S AN iPod D.J., AND HE THINKS

THE MOON IS CHASING HIM.

I CAN'T MARRY A GUY LIKE THAT.

MY KIDS WILL HAVE BAD GENES.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO MARRY

EVERY GUY YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO.

SOME GUYS ARE JUST FOR SEX.

MAYBE YOU FEEL THAT WAY,

BUT I HAVE TO HAVE FEELINGS

FOR A GUY

BEFORE I CAN SLEEP WITH HIM.

YOU DO FEEL SOMETHING.

REMEMBER THE TUB, JUNE?

THAT WAS GOD TALKING

DIRECTLY TO YOUR BODY.

JUST HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH HIM.

IT'S GREAT. THAT'S WHAT I DO.

IT'S HOW I CLEAR MY HEAD

AND REALLY FIGURE THINGS OUT.

(gasps) "LOST" WAS PURGATORY.

(gasps)

AIOLI IS JUST MAYONNAISE!

I LEFT MY LOUBOUTINS

IN THE LUGGAGE ROOM

AT THE GANSEVOORT!

YOU HAD SEX IN MY BEDROOM?!

YES, JUNE,

AND YOU CAN, TOO.

I'LL TEACH YOU.

YOU'LL BE MY LEGACY.

NOW I'LL BE KNOWN

FOR TWO THINGS--

INTRODUCING YOU

TO CASUAL SEX

AND WRITING THE FINAL EPISODE

OF "THE SOPRANOS."

♪♪♪

(door bells jingle)

JUNE.

MEET VALENTINA, MY NEW PARTNER

ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS."

HI! I'M JUNE--

CAN I GET A TALL COFFEE

WITH AN EXTRA SHOT?

UH, VALENTINA, JUNE'S NOT

JUST THE COFFEE LADY.

YEAH, SHE CAN GET YOU A SCONE

OR A TROPICAL FRUIT CUP.

JUST THE BATHROOM KEY, OKAY?

AND WATER FOR YOU.

KEEP IT TIGHT. CALIENTE.

RIGHT?

SHE'S EVERYTHING THAT

DUMP TRUCK ANGIE WASN'T.

SHE'S YOUNG.

SHE'S GOT 0% BODY FAT.

AND SHE'S GOT ONE PASSION--

THE DANCE.

(door opens, bells jingle)

WE'RE GONNA BEAT THE HELL

OUT OF DEAN CAIN.

THAT'S GREAT, JAMES.

WATER'S OVER THERE.

(cup clatters)

HMM. THAT'S GOING

ON A COMMENT CARD.

YOU CAN'T JUST THROW THINGS,

JUNE.

I MEAN, ELLEN CAN BECAUSE

SHE HAS A MEDICAL CONDITION

CALLED A MYOCLONIC JERK.

WHOOP!

(stirrers clatter)

WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO, ELLEN!

NOT FREAKED OUT IF YOU'RE NOT.

(whispers) BE SUPPORTIVE.

(Ellen) WHOOP!

(stirrers clatter)

(thinking) JUNE, YOU NEED

A KILLER PICK-UP LINE.

LOOK DOWN AT HIS HANDS

AND THEN ASK HIM

IF HE PLAYS GUITAR.

CAN I GET A SOY LATTE?

DO YOU PLAY THE GUITAR?

NONFAT SOY LATTE.

DID YOU HEAR

WHAT I JUST SAID?

WAIT. DID YOU JUST ASK ME

IF I PLAY THE GUITAR?

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW WHY

I SAID THAT.

MY ROOMMATE SAID

IT WOULD BE A GOOD--

YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE

A ROCK STAR?

'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE

I LOOK LIKE A ROCK STAR.

(chuckles)

WANNA GET A DRINK

SOMETIME?

YEAH. YEAH.

UH, YES. I--OKAY.

YEAH, SURE.

I'M CHARLES.

HI. I'M JUNE. I'VE--

I'VE BEEN REFERRING TO YOU

AS THE, UH, SOY LATTE GUY.

(both laugh)

WHY?

BECAUSE, UH,

I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR NAME,

AND YOU ALWAYS ORDER

A SOY LATTE?

(door bells jingle)

DUH! OH, GOD. RIGHT.

RIGHT. UGH. SHOULD HAVE

GOTTEN THAT ONE. (chuckles)

OH, MAN. (chuckles)

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT WHAT, WHAT,

SHORTY GOT THAT GOOD, GOOD ♪

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT WHAT, WHAT,

SHORTY... ♪

SO I USED YOUR LINE,

AND HE SAID,

"DO YOU WANNA HAVE DRINKS

SOMETIME?" AND I SAID YES.

(gasps) THAT'S GREAT!

(laughs)

BUT JUST REMEMBER. IT'S NOT

A DATE. IT'S CASUAL SEX.

YEAH.

YEAH, IT'S JUST...

IT'S BEEN SO LONG,

AND I'VE ONLY EVER DONE IT

WITH STEVEN,

AND WHAT IF THEY DO IT

DIFFERENT IN NEW YORK,

OR WHAT IF I'M BAD AT IT?

I HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN'.

YOU WANNA SEE MY SEX TAPE.

UH, WHAT?

YEAH, JAMES AND I MADE IT,

LIKE, FIVE YEARS AGO

WHEN WE DATED BRIEFLY.

I'M SURPRISED IT'S TAKEN ME

THIS LONG TO SHOW IT TO YOU.

I USUALLY WHIP IT OUT

AT PARTIES.

LET ME SEE.

WHERE ARE MY DVDs?

IT WAS RIGHT HERE.

IT WAS IN THE "RAIN MAN" CASE.

OH, GOD.

I AM SO SORRY FOR BARGING IN

ON YOU LIKE THIS, PASTOR JIN.

I KNOW YOU'RE VERY BUSY--

WH-WHAT HAPPENED--

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NOSE?

OH, I GOT A NOSE JOB.

SO, UM, DO YOU REMEMBER THAT

BOX OF ITEMS THAT I GAVE YOU?

IT WAS ALL

MY ROOMMATE'S OLD STUFF?

WE NEED IT BACK.

NOT ALL OF IT. JUST "RAIN MAN."

OH, I CAN GIVE YOU EVERYTHING

BACK EXCEPT "RAIN MAN."

WHAT? WHY?

"RAIN MAN"

IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE.

I TRIED TO WATCH YOUR COPY,

BUT I DID NOT SEE DUSTIN HOFFMAN

HUMOROUSLY CALLING

FOR JUDGE WAPNER.

I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I WASN'T.

YOU TAUGHT ME SOME THINGS

I'M GOING TO TRY

ON MR. PASTOR JIN.

ANYWAY, I SOLD IT

FOR 10 GRAND,

PIMPED OUT MY OFFICE,

AND STREAMLINED MY NOSE.

(both) YOU SOLD IT?!

WINE? CHICKEN?

LOOK, THAT VIDEO OF ME

GETTING RAMMED BY MY BEST FRIEND

MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.

WHO DID YOU SELL IT TO?

(tango music playing)

NOW WORK THOSE JUDGES.

NOW WORK THE CAMERA.

GIVE ME THE FACE.

WORK THE JUDGE--

NO! BUDDY, NO!

WHAT ARE YOUR HIPS DOIN', HUH"

YES! DAMN IT, PUSH ME!

(cell phone rings)

(sighs)

(ring, beep)

HELLO?

(man) James Van Der Beek?

YES.

Ron Roberts from Visage Video.

I'm watching you have sex

right now,

and soon American will be, too.

(door slams)

VISAGE VIDEO GOT A COPY

OF OUR SEX TAPE.

OH, NO. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

I DON'T KNOW! YOU TELL ME.

THERE ARE ONLY TWO COPIES

IN EXISTENCE, AND I HAVE MINE.

JUNE DID IT.

I'M SORRY, JAMES!

JUNE?

SHE CLEANED OUR HOUSE BECAUSE

IT'S SPRING OR SOMETHING,

AND THEN SHE SOLD ALL MY STUFF

TO HER CULT LEADER

SO SHE COULD FIX HER FACE.

WELL, RON ROBERTS SAYS

I CAN EITHER GET ON BOARD

OR SPEND A FORTUNE

TRYING TO STOP IT.

EITHER WAY, IT'S COMING OUT.

I'M ON MY WAY TO SEE

MY ADVISOR RIGHT NOW.

UGH. LUTHER?

NO, I CAN'T TALK TO LUTHER

ABOUT THIS STUFF.

STRAIGHT SEX MAKES HIM NAUSEOUS.

IT'S SOMEBODY WHO CAN

REALLY SEE THE BIG PICTURE.

James,

everybody has a love video.

Colin Farrell's is dynamic.

He's a dynamic, sexy,

bald beast.

YEAH, BUT ISN'T THIS

GONNA HURT ME

ON ""DANCING WITH THE STARS"?

Hurt you?

Every woman in America

is gonna watch you dancing

and think

about where your hips have been

and vote for you.

SO SHOULD I PLAY BALL

WITH VISAGE?

James, as a mother,

I can't tell you

to release that tape.

But as a connoisseur

of modern pop culture,

I can't tell you not to.

Just make sure...

you're a sexy beast.

(crunches)

I THINK I'M A SEXY BEAST.

(Irish jig playing)

(both laughing)

I LIKE YOUR GREEN HATS.

IT WAS

ST. PATRICK'S DAY '07.

YEAH, I KNOW. I WAS CHLOE'S

ROOMMATE BACK THEN, REMEMBER?

I WAS WAITING FOR YOU GUYS

AT NIFTY O'SHANNIGANS?

THIS DRUNK IRISH GUY THREW

MY PURSE INTO THE STREET.

OH! DEAR LORD!

OH.

OH, I SHARE YOUR DISGUST, JUNE.

(door closes)

SEX TAPES GIVE PORN

A DIRTY NAME.

I MEAN, PORN IS A CRAFT.

IT TAKES REAL SKILL.

WHAT, YOU THINK I CAN

GO PICK UP A BLOWTORCH

AND TURN ON A CAMERA, AND ALL OF

A SUDDEN, I'M A WELDER?

(smack)

(exhales deeply)

WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?

OH. ROBIN IS AMERICA.

I'M USING

HER ETHNICALLY AMBIGUOUS EYES

AS A DEMOGRAPHIC-STRADDLING

FOCUS GROUP.

SO...

(claps hands)

WHAT'S THE VERDICT SO FAR?

WELL, WHY DO YOU KEEP

DOING THIS? (smacks lips)

SEE? HMM. WHAT'S THAT?

(smacks lips)

WHAT IS THAT?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GONNA GO CHANGE

FOR MY DATE.

THIS IS NOT A DATE.

NO SPECIAL EFFORT.

WEAR EXACTLY WHAT

YOU WORE TODAY.

WELL, AT LEAST LET ME

GO GET MY PURSE.

YOU'VE GOT THE ONLY PURSE

YOU NEED.

MY PANTS WERE ON THE FLOOR.

I DIDN'T HAVE ACCESS

TO MY ChapStick.

REMEMBER, KEEP IT CASUAL

AND ACT DISINTERESTED.

SEE WHAT I'M DOING

RIGHT THERE? DO THAT.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY

WITH THIS COMING OUT?

IT'S JUST SEX, JUNE.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

NOW REMEMBER, GO UP FOR

A NIGHTCAP. DON'T STAY OVER.

IF HE ASKS

FOR YOUR PHONE NUMBER,

GIVE HIM... THIS.

IT'S KELLY OSBOURNE'S,

AND IT'S NEVER NOT FUNNY.

(James) THAT'S NOT WHAT I

SHOULD BE USING MY TONGUE FOR.

(siren wailing in distance)

WELL, HERE IT IS.

I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T MUCH.

(door closes)

(squawks)

AAH! KILL IT!

JUNE, THIS IS JUDY.

SAY HI, JUDY.

(squawks) HI, JUDY.

SORRY. I SAW IT COMING

OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE,

AND I THOUGHT IT WAS

A CLAWED RAINBOW.

JUDY WAS MY GRANDPA'S.

HE DIED LAST YEAR,

AND I GOT JUDY IN HIS WILL.

(squawks)

AND THE MOON ROCKS.

(thinking) UGH.

AGAIN WITH THE MOON ROCKS?

YOU KNOW, I THINK

I'M ACTUALLY GONNA HEAD OUT.

I'M KINDA TIRED, SO...

SO HOT IN HERE. YOU HOT?

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT WHAT, WHAT,

SHORTY GOT THAT GOOD, GOOD ♪

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT WHAT, WHAT,

SHORTY GOT THAT GOOD, GOOD ♪

♪ SHORTY GOT THAT WHAT, WHAT ♪

I DID IT, I DID IT, I DID IT,

I DID IT, I DID IT, I DID IT,

AND I THINK I DID IT

PRETTY GOOD

IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF.

(giggles)

YOU'RE NOT COMPLAINING,

ARE YOU, SWEET STUFF? (giggles)

(Chloe's voice)

JUNE, NOW REMEMBER,

DON'T STAY OVER.

(thinking)

I'LL LEAVE HIM A NOTE.

(Chloe's voice)

PUT DOWN THE PEN AND LEAVE!

(whispering)

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

(squawks) HI, JUDY.

(horns honk)

(door opens)

I WENT TO VERSAILLES!

I HAD CASUAL SEX!

(door closes)

YAY! GOOD FOR YOU.

HOW WAS IT?

YOU DIDN'T GET MARRIED,

DID YOU?

(bag thuds)

NO. IT WAS GREAT!

YOU WERE RIGHT.

IT WAS SO DIFFERENT

FROM ANYTHING

I EVER FELT WITH STEVEN.

I MEAN, I CAN BREATHE.

I'M NOT OBSESSING OVER HIM.

I LIKE HIM, BUT I'M NOT

CONSTANTLY WONDERING

WHAT HE'S DOING ALL DAY.

YOU SEE THESE?

TEARS OF JOY.

I HAVEN'T CRIED

SINCE I WAS 10

AND MY MOM WOULDN'T TAKE ME

TO SEE "PULP FICTION."

(cell phone alert chimes)

OOH! OOH, IT'S CHARLES.

HMM?

OH. "COME OVER NOW.

I NEED YOU."

AW, YEAH!

(singsongy) BOOTY TEXT!

GET OUT OF HERE,

YOU LITTLE SLUT. I LOVE YOU.

I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

IT'S A CASUAL SEX KIT.

THERE IS MAKEUP REMOVER,

CAB FARE, ENERGY BAR,

INSTANT COFFEE, TWEEZERS,

TAMPONS, PEPPER SPRAY,

A SHORT ARTICLE,

AND PICTURES OF ME.

FOR THE CASUAL SEX-ER!

I'M A CASUAL SEX-ER!

(squeals)

(siren wailing in distance)

(breathy voice) HEY,

LOVE MUFFIN. MAMA WANTS A--

(voice breaking)

JUDY FLEW AWAY!

(sobbing)

JUDY THE... BIRD?

(sniffles) IT WAS HOT AGAIN

THIS MORNING,

AND I ACCIDENTALLY LEFT

THE WINDOW OPEN.

(hyperventilating) I'M SORRY...

TO... BOTHER YOU.

I JUST NEEDED TO TALK

TO SOMEONE.

(continues sobbing)

I'M, UH, REALLY SORRY

THAT THIS SOUNDS COLD, BUT...

WE'RE... WE'RE CASUAL,

SO, UM,

MAYBE THERE'S SOMEBODY

THAT YOU CAN CALL

THAT YOU KNOW

A LITTLE BETTER?

(voice breaking) OKAY, BYE.

OKAY.

(door creaks)

(sobbing)

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.

MY DOG CUDDLES RAN AWAY

WHEN I WAS 7,

AND I CRIED FOR A WEEK.

IT FEELS LIKE I COULD CRY

FOR A YEAR.

(continues sobbing)

OH! GRANDPA!

OH.

OH. OH. OH.

(sighs)

OKAY, FINE.

THIS IS WHAT WE'RE DOING.

OH, GOD. NO. OH, IT HURTS.

(moans)

OH, GOD.

(door slams)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN

WITH SOMEONE WHO CRIES A LOT?

NO, BUT JENNIFER HAS.

SHE LIKES IT WHEN I CRY SO HARD,

MY WHOLE BODY HEAVES. WHY?

UM, THIS GUY I'M SEEING--

WELL, NOT REALLY SEEING.

HE--HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.

WE'VE JUST BEEN HAVING

CASUAL SEX. I BARELY KNOW HIM.

WELL, AS LONG

AS YOU BARELY KNOW HIM.

(dishes clatter)

(door bells jingle)

OH! WELL, HELLO.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I HAVEN'T

SEEN YOU FOR THREE DAYS.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU EITHER.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HOME AT ALL.

I'VE BEEN HOME

THIS ENTIRE TIME.

NO, I HAVEN'T. BUT ROBIN HAS,

AND SHE TOLD ME EVERYTHING.

JUNE HASN'T BEEN HOME

FOR THREE DAYS!

DID SHE DIE? IF SHE DIED,

CAN I MOVE BACK IN WITH YOU?

I CAN GET OUT OF MY LEASE,

OR MY FRIEND TODD

CAN TAKE IT OVER.

IT DOESN'T MATTER. I JUST WANNA

BE BACK IN THE WINNER'S CIRCLE.

WELL, ROBIN'S LYING.

I'VE BEEN--

SORRY ABOUT

YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BIRD, JUNE.

(gasps)

BUT NO PROPAGANDA

IN THE BATHROOM.

I KNEW IT! YOU NEED TO BREAK UP

WITH HIM IMMEDIATELY.

I AM ENDING IT.

I'VE ALREADY BEGUN HIM

ON A 5-STEP PROGRAM

TO BREAK THINGS OFF.

I AM SENDING HIM TEXTS BY NOT

PUTTING ANY X's or O's.

AND I WILL SMASH

EVERY SINGLE OF THEM

UNTIL YOU BREAK UP

WITH HIM.

BIRD BOY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE

ONE STOP ON A WORLD TOUR.

YOU DON'T PLAY BIRMINGHAM

TWICE, JUNE.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I'LL END IT.

I PROMISE.

(telephone rings)

(clatter)

CHLOE, THAT WAS A CUSTOMER!

WE'RE ALL TRYING TO HELP YOU.

THIS MATCHES MY OUTFIT.

SO LUTHER TALKED

TO MY P.R. TEAM.

THEY'RE THRILLED

ABOUT THE SEX TAPE.

YAY!

YEAH. IT'S GONNA BE

TONS OF FREE PRESS.

HEY!

TURNS OUT PUBLICISTS

ARE BEHIND 85%

OF ALL CELEBRITY

SEX TAPE LEAKAGE.

REALLY?

SO I TALKED TO VISAGE

ABOUT MAKING SOME TRIMS,

ESPECIALLY THE LIP LICKING.

THAT'S THE WHOLE MIDDLE PART.

I KNOW. THEY WON'T LET ME

TRIM A SECOND,

BUT THEY WILL ALLOW ME

TO DO SOME RESHOOTS,

WHICH MEANS I'M GONNA NEED YOU

TO HAVE SEX WITH ME AGAIN.

NO WAY. I HAVE

A SCORCHED EARTH POLICY, JAMES.

YOU KNOW THAT.

COME ON. I LOOK LIKE

A SERIAL KILLER,

LICKING MY LIPS

EVERY FIVE SECONDS.

AMERICA'S NOT GONNA THINK

I'M A SEXY BEAST,

AND THEY'RE NOT GONNA VOTE

FOR ME ON "D.W.T.S."

COME ON.

(sighs) FINE, BUT I HAVE

TO BE REALLY DRUNK.

THAT'LL BE PERFECT

FOR CONTINUITY.

THANKS FOR LUNCH.

YEP.

(door opens)

I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT IT WAS JUDY.

WHEN I SAW THAT BIRD

SMASHED IN THE STREET...

IT WAS PIGEONS.

THEY WERE ALL PIGEONS.

OH.

WE RAN UP

TO FOUR DEAD PIGEONS.

(switch clicks)

WEAK SAUCE, JUNE.

YOU'RE PLAYING BIRMINGHAM AGAIN.

SHE'S DUMPING YOU. IT'S OVER.

HONEY? IS THIS TRUE?

NO, IT'S JUST--

OH, REALLY, "HONEY"?

BECAUSE I RECORD

ALL CONVERSATIONS

FOR LEGAL AND PERSONAL

REASONS

THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO

WITH MY RELATIONSHIP

WITH THE FRENCH PRESIDENT

NICOLAS SARKOZY,

WHO IS NOT THE MAN

I'M DATING WHO HAS A PLANE.

(beep)

(man) EXCUSEZ, CHLOE--

(beep)

OOH. HEH. SORRY.

WRONG CONVERSATION.

(beeps, rewinding)

(June) YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL END IT. I PROMISE.

(beep)

OH, GOD. I...

I THOUGHT I HIT ROCK BOTTOM

WHEN JUDY LEFT, AND I DID,

BUT THIS IS ROCK BOTTOM-ER.

JUDY WOULD HAVE LOVED THAT.

(door closes)

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?!

HOW COULD YOU NOT DO THAT?

I WAS LETTING HIM DOWN EASY!

HE WAS A REAL PERSON

WITH REAL FEELINGS!

UGH! YOU ARE

THE WORST PROTEGE.

LOOK, I CAN'T DO

THIS WHOLE CASUAL SEX THING.

I TRIED.

BUT I GET TOO ATTACHED.

I CAN'T BE LIKE YOU.

MY LADY HARP HAS FEELINGS!

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE THINGS

SO COMPLICATED

WHEN IT COULD BE JUST SEX?

BECAUSE SEX IS COMPLICATED!

YOU'VE NEVER HAD FEELINGS

FOR SOMEBODY YOU'VE SLEPT WITH?

"SLEPT WITH"?

HONEY, IF YOU'RE FALLING ASLEEP,

HE'S OBVIOUSLY DOING

SOMETHING WRONG.

UGH!

(horns honk)

(Irish jig playing)

AHH.

(laughs)

THIS REALLY TAKES YOU BACK,

DOESN'T IT?

I LOVE ST. PATRICK'S DAY.

YOU GET TO PUKE ON THE STREET,

AND PEOPLE APPLAUD YOU FOR IT.

ALL RIGHT. SO...

WE'RE GONNA TAKE IT FROM, UH,

MINUTE NINE.

YOU'VE JUST BROKEN THE KAZOO.

YOU HAD YOUR HANDS

AROUND MY NECK,

AND WE WERE KISSING.

(beeps)

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY. MY HAT LOOK GOOD?

YEP.

OKAY.

OKAY.

(squeals and giggles)

WHAT?

SORRY, SORRY.

WHAT?

(exhales deeply)

SORRY. NOTHING. OKAY. READY?

ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

(laughing)

(laughing) WHAT?

I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.

FAT LADY FALLING?

(laughs) NO,

NO, BUT THAT'S GOOD.

(continues laughing)

OKAY, OKAY, STOP IT.

WE HAVE WORK TO DO.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

READY?

YES.

OKAY, HOW'S THIS?

AM I HURTING YOU?

NO, THAT'S FINE.

OH, MY GOD.

"AM I HURTING YOU?"

WHAT?

I-I CARE ABOUT YOUR COMFORT.

THAT'S WHY THIS IS SO WEIRD.

I CARE ABOUT YOU. THIS WASN'T

LIKE THIS FIVE YEARS AGO.

NO, IT WASN'T.

I MEAN, FIVE YEARS AGO,

YOU COULD'VE DIED,

AND I WOULDN'T HAVE CARED.

I WOULD HAVE STOLEN YOUR CAMERA

AND YOUR STUPID GOLD SKULL RING

WITH THE RUBY EYES.

I'M SO GLAD YOU DON'T

WEAR THAT ANYMORE.

THAT STUPID RING

WAS SO BAD.

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE GOING OFF

ON A TANGENT.

I AM! IT WAS A BAD RING.

BUT THE POINT IS,

I CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH YOU

BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU.

JUNE HAS RUINED ME

WITH ALL OF HER STUPID TALK

ABOUT FEELINGS.

YEAH, WHO AM I KIDDING?

I CARE ABOUT YOU, TOO.

(hats clatter)

YOU KNOW... (sighs)

I'LL JUST CALL VISAGE,

AND I'LL TELL 'EM...

RELEASE THE VIDEO AS IS.

IF I'M A LIP LICKER,

THEN I'M A LIP LICKER.

FIVE YEARS AGO,

I WOULD HAVE STOLEN THIS.

AND NOW I'M TELLING YOU

I'M TAKING IT. I'M WRECKED.

♪♪♪

JUNE! GUESS WHAT! I FINALLY

KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

FEELINGS RUIN EVERYTHING.

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT

I MEANT--

IT TURNS OUT I CARE

ABOUT JAMES TOO MUCH

TO MAKE A PORNO WITH HIM.

WOW. THAT IS SO

YOUR VERSION OF HUMAN.

YEAH, AND THEN I STARTED

THINKING ABOUT YOU AND BIRD BOY,

AND I KINDA FEEL RESPONSIBLE

FOR THAT WHOLE THING, SO...

JUDY!

(squawks)

CHLOE FOUND HER.

CHECK IT OUT.

JUDY, WHAT WERE

GRANDPA'S LAST WORDS?

(squawks)

"IT WAS THE TUNA."

UGH, THAT'S DISGUSTING.

HOW DID YOU FIND HER?

WELL, AFTER THE WHOLE

JAMES DEBACLE,

I HAD TO MAKE SURE

I WASN'T COMPLETELY BROKEN,

SO I TOOK HOME THE FIRST

RANDOM GUY I COULD FIND,

AND THAT'S WHEN

I FIGURED IT OUT.

PARROTS THAT ESCAPE THEIR CAGES

TEND TO NEST IN TREES

WITHIN 25 FEET.

SO I YELLED "JUDY!"

OUTSIDE OF CHARLES' APARTMENT

FOR, LIKE, TEN MINUTES,

AND ALL THESE OLD JEWISH LADIES

CAME UP TO ME,

THEN FINALLY THIS STUPID BIRD.

YOU DID A NICE THING.

YEAH, WELL, I TOLD

ALL THOSE OLD LADIES

I WAS THEIR GRANDDAUGHTER,

AND I NEEDED 50 BUCKS,

SO NOW I'M GOING SHOPPING.

BYE!

(chuckles)

SO... NOW THAT JUDY'S BACK,

I GUESS WE SHOULDN'T...

YEAH, WE SHOULDN'T.

I'LL STILL COME IN

FOR MY SOY LATTES.

AND I'LL SEE YOU

IN THE TUB. (giggles)

GUESS YOUR BOYFRIEND

FOUND HIS BIRD.

HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD...

BECAUSE HE HAS A BIRD.

JUDY WANTED TO GO THIS WAY.

(squawks)

(door slams)

Oh, James. Prince Harry

stole your headline.

It's on the cover of every

tabloid in the checkout line.

It's all my church group

can talk about.

Oh. I'm so sorry, James.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

I WAS UPSTAGED.

IT'S LIKE KATRINA

ALL OVER AGAIN.

MY COLOGNE "LOVE HURRICANE"

WAS SUPPOSED TO COME OUT

THAT MORNING.

Oh, that's a shame.

Do you think

you could release it now?

Do you think

it's been long enough?

PROBABLY NOT.

I MEAN, NEW ORLEANS IS BACK,

BUT THE GULF STATES

ARE STILL SUFFERING.

You know what's delicious?

Jambalaya.

YEAH.

Yeah.

Captioned by

Closed Captioning Services, Inc.