Original subtitles

(June) EVER SINCE I MOVED

TO NEW YORK,

I'VE MADE AN EFFORT

TO BE FRIENDLY...

HELLO, SIR. (chuckles)

OH.

IT'S LIKE WE'RE DANCING.

MOVE OR I'LL KICK YOU

IN THE CLAM!

BUT LATELY IT'S FEELING

A LITTLE ONE-SIDED.

NEW YORKERS ALWAYS SEEM

TO BE IN A RUSH.

THEY NEVER EVEN STOP

TO GET TO KNOW THEIR NEIGHBORS.

OH, HI, I'M JUNE.

I DON'T THINK THAT WE'VE MET--

AAH!

GAH!

HAVE A GOOD DAY!

PERFECT. A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE

FOR MY INDIANA CHARM.

BUILDING, MEET JUNE.

OH. COOKIES. FUN.

IS IT A COWORKER'S BIRTHDAY?

(blows raspberry)

I'M BRINGING THEM

TO THE TENANTS MEETING.

I WANT TO MEET OUR NEIGHBORS.

BACK IN INDIANA,

I WAS THE BEST NEIGHBOR.

I USED TO FEED PEOPLE'S CATS,

AND WATER PLANTS, AND GET MAIL.

OH, SO YOU WERE MY GRANDMA.

TURN DOWN THE JUDGMENT,

JUDGE JUNEY.

I AM ALSO GOING

TO THE TENANTS MEETING.

REALLY?

YEAH.

I SAW A NEW FAMILY MOVED IN

AND I WANT TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I KNOW HOW TO BE NICE.

HMM.

(gasps)

OH. I GUESS IT'S ALWAYS

GONNA BE FLOUR WITH YOU.

SO THE STOOP HANDRAILS

WILL BE PAINTED ON TUESDAY.

A REMINDER--

WE DO ENCOURAGE DOORMATS.

AND THE BUILDING TRIP TO ATLANTA

HAS BEEN CANCELED

DUE TO LACK OF FUNDS,

NOT LACK OF INTEREST.

NO!

OKAY, NEXT ORDER

OF THE TENANTS ASSOCIATION

BUSINESS

IS TO WELCOME OUR NEW TENANTS,

THE PIZZOLI FAMILY.

(quiet chatter, applause)

(woman) HI.

CHLOE? UH, YOU DON'T...

COME TO THESE THINGS.

WHAT--WH--WH-WHAT'S GOING ON?

HI! MY NAME IS JUNE,

AND I'M NEW HERE.

I'M SO EXCITED.

WHERE'S THE NEW FAMILY?

(clears throat)

HI THERE. I'M CHLOE.

I LIVE IN APARTMENT 23.

HOW OLD ARE YOU? 16? 17?

17 1/2.

OKAY, WELL, UM,

ACCORDING TO MEGAN'S LAW,

I'M REQUIRED TO TELL

ALL FAMILIES WITH A MINOR

THAT I LIVE

WITHIN A 500-FOOT RADIUS

AND I'M A REGISTERED

SEX OFFENDER.

(gasps)

(man) WHAT?

(tenants murmuring)

'SUP?

I'M TONY P., BUT MY FRIENDS

CALL ME NUT-NUT.

ANTHONY, NO!

(woman) ♪ I'M NOT PERFECT,

I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

I MEAN, TECHNICALLY,

YES, I HAD SEX

WITH AN UNDERAGE BOY.

UGH.

I WAS 18.

HE WAS 17.

IT WAS SWEET.

WE HELD HANDS AND PASSED NOTES,

THEN WE HAD SEX IN THE BACK

OF HIS DAD'S DELIVERY TRUCK.

ANYWAY, HIS PARENTS HATED ME,

SO THEY PROSECUTED

TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

NO BIG DEAL?

WHAT ABOUT ANTHONY PIZZOLI?

WHO?

NUT-NUT!

THE 17-YEAR-OLD DOWN THE HALL!

I'M NOT INTO YOUNGER GUYS.

CURFEWS, BODY SPRAYS,

DOODLES OF FIGHTER JETS...

(sighs) NOW THE NEIGHBORS HATE

US. THE NEIGHBORS HATE US NOW.

YOU KNOW WHO I HATE?

SINGLE MOMS. THEY MAKE

SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT.

CHLOE WAS 2 1/2 MONTHS OLDER

THAN THAT BOY.

SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

THAT IT WAS INAPPROPRIATE.

YOU'RE ACTING VERY WEIRD.

ARE YOU DRUNK?

ON FREEDOM!

JENNIFER AND I BROKE UP!

SHE FINALLY DUMPED ME!

OH, I'M SORRY.

DON'T BE. I FEEL GREAT.

I'M FREE OF ALL THE RULES.

NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT

ABOUT ME?

I GREW IN MY BURNS.

JENNIFER HATED HAIR.

SHE ALSO BANNED REGGAE MUSIC,

FANTASY FOOTBALL, AND TANK TOPS,

BUT NO MORE!

(chuckles)

HELLO, SHOULDERS.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE

YOU'VE BEEN OUT IN THE WORLD.

WE HAVE

A HALF-BLACK PRESIDENT NOW.

I THINK HE'S DOING A GREAT JOB

DESPITE A VERY HOSTILE CONGRESS.

(laughs) YOU'RE FUN.

JENNIFER WAS NOT FUN.

OH, YOU'RE INVITED

TO THE BRUNCH I'M THROWING.

BRUNCH? THAT'S

YOUR FIRST SINGLE GUY MOVE?

NOT STRIPPERS OR GOLF?

JENNIFER ALWAYS MADE ME SPEND

SUNDAYS HIKING WITH HER CATS.

BUT THIS SUNDAY,

THERE ARE NO RULES!

YOU CAN HAVE A MIMOSA

OR A COFFEE,

WATCH THE GAME

OR READ THE PAPER.

AS LONG AS YOU DON'T HAVE TO

PUT SUNSCREEN ON A CAT,

IT'S ALL GOOD.

(Chloe giggling)

(man moans)

I'M GOING TO BED.

CAN YOU AT LEAST HOLD OFF

ON THE SEX NOISES

UNTIL I GET MY EARPLUGS IN?

OH, YOU CAN'T GO IN YOUR ROOM.

NO, IT'S ALL GOOD.

WE'RE DONE.

WHAT? IN MY ROOM?

GOOD NIGHT OUT.

OH, F.Y.I.--I WORE YOUR

PAJAMA PANTS FOR A WHILE.

(pounding on door)

(woman) JONATHAN, IT'S YOUR

GIRLFRIEND! REMEMBER ME?

I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE

WITH THAT WHORE!

WHO'S JONATHAN?

UM, ME.

OH, WELL, I'M REALLY BAD WITH

NAMES, SO IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

CHLOE, THIS GUY HAS

A GIRLFRIEND.

SO? SOMEONE TOLD ME HE'S ONLY

WITH HER BECAUSE SHE'S BIPOLAR.

YEAH, I TOLD YOU THAT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I'LL FIX IT.

I'M JUST GONNA FLASH

SOME BEEK.

HI.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

BYE.

(man) GOD KNOWS

WHAT GOES ON IN THERE.

(woman) LOOK AT THOSE TWO SLUTS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEM.

OF COURSE MISS MEGAN'S LAW

AND HER ROOMMATE ARE WHORES.

IT'S LIKE A DUTCH BROTHEL

IN THERE.

I'M GOING IN.

ANTHONY, NO!

OUR NEIGHBORS HATE ME

BECAUSE OF YOU!

I AM A SLUT BY ASSOCIATION.

ARE YOU EVEN AWARE

OF YOUR BEHAVIOR?

I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVER IN YOUR

LIFE DATED AN APPROPRIATE GUY?

♪♪♪

LOOK, I CAN'T HELP IT.

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN DRAWN

TO INAPPROPRIATE MEN.

IT'S SO FUN THOUGH.

I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME.

OH, REALLY? YOU THINK SO?

COME ON WITH ME.

WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GIVING YOU MY HAND,

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE-STYLE.

NOW COME ON.

JUST TAKE IT.

IT'S OKAY.

I'LL JUST FOLLOW YOU.

FINE. JUST FOLLOW ME.

(woman singing indistinctly)

WHERE ARE WE?

I CAN BARELY SEE.

A COUGAR BAR

CALLED SADDLEBAGS.

ARE THOSE...

YES, THEY ARE.

(woman) I CAN NO LONGER

GET PREGNANT.

I CAN NO LONGER

GET PREGNANT.

(woman) MY C-SECTION SCARS

HAVE FADED COMPLETELY.

(woman) I'VE HAD MY I.U.D. IN

FOR 34 YEARS.

(woman) I WAS AN ALTERNATE

ON THE 1976 U.S. SWIM TEAM.

(slurps loudly)

SEE HOW WELL

I SUCKED THAT DOWN?

UGH.

TAKE A GOOD, HARD LOOK,

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T CHANGE

YOUR WAYS...

HEY! YOU GOT CHANGE

FOR THE CONDOM MACHINE?

THIS WILL BE YOUR FUTURE.

(Chloe) NO. NO.

THESE WOMEN ARE

NOTHING LIKE ME.

I'M YOUNG AND HOT

AND AMAZING.

OH, YOU DON'T THINK

THEY WERE ONCE, TOO?

TWO WORDS--

JANICE DICKINSON.

(woman) CHANGE

FOR THE CONDOM MACHINE?

NO!

(women all speaking at once)

I DON'T WANT THIS

TO BE MY FUTURE, JUNE!

PLEASE HELP ME!

ABSOLUTELY.

(woman) CHANGE!

(women shriek)

(woman) CLOSE THAT DOOR!

THEY DON'T LIKE THE DAYLIGHT

BECAUSE YOU CAN SEE

HOW THEIR LIP LINER BLEEDS

INTO THEIR MOUTH WRINKLES.

AAH!

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE

THE FARMER'S MARKET.

IT'S WHERE I LEARNED

WHAT KALE WAS.

OH, IT SEEMS LIKE

SO LONG AGO.

DAY DRINKS.

I JUST DOWNLOADED AN APP

THAT TRACKS BAR PATIOS

ACCORDING TO THE ANGLE

OF THE SUN,

SO WE'VE GOT ABOUT 45 MINUTES

BEFORE SHADE HITS WHITE HORSE.

CAN'T. JUNE IS

TAKING ME TO A FARM

TO MEET NICE GUYS.

I HAVE TO TWEET THIS PLOW JOKE

I JUST THOUGHT OF

AND THEN I'M READY.

WAIT. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

CHLOE IS GOING TO MEET

AN APPROPRIATE GUY

AND SETTLE DOWN,

AND SHE'S GONNA START GOING

TO SLEEP WHEN IT'S DARK OUTSIDE

AND PAYING HER BILLS ON TIME,

AND MY MAILBOX

WILL NO LONGER READ

"JUNE COLBURNINGSENSATION."

MY LAST NAME IS COLBURN.

CHLOE WITH AN APPROPRIATE GUY?

HA!

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

LISTEN, YOU CAN LEAD

A HORSE TO WATER,

BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE HER DATE

SOME CLEAN-CUT DOCTOR

FROM CONNECTICUT

WHO PLAYS TENNIS AND HAS--

STOP.

YOU'RE MAKING JUNE CLIMAX.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

WITH A NICE GUY

WITH WHITE SHORTS

AND HAIR LIKE A KEN DOLL.

TELL ME THIS

ISN'T HAPPENING.

YOU'RE GREAT

THE WAY YOU ARE.

YOU'RE THE BEST WINGMAN

I'VE EVER HAD.

JAMES, THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.

THIS IS ABOUT ME,

LIKE EVERYTHING.

HMM.

WELL, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

YOU KNOW SHE'S THE ONE WHO WROTE

THAT ON YOUR MAILBOX, RIGHT?

(door closes)

(elevator bell dings)

(man) WHOO-HOO!

THIS IS A COINCIDENCE.

I'M NOT WITH THEM.

ARE THOSE MAI TAIS

AND TIKI TORCHES?

OH, MY GOD. YOU GUYS ARE

HAVING A LUAU ON THE ROOF,

AND WE WEREN'T INVITED.

WHAT ARE YOU,

A SLUT AND A DETECTIVE?

HEY, GET A LOAD

OF THE SLUT DETECTIVE.

(laughter)

YOU LIKE PROSCIUTTO

E MOZZARELLA?

ANTHONY, NO!

(quietly)

GOD!

THAT'S OKAY. IT'S FINE.

WE WILL BE COMING TO YOUR NEXT

PARTY BECAUSE I AM FIXING HER.

WE WILL GO

CHRISTMAS CAROLING TOGETHER.

♪ HARK! HOW THE BELLS,

SWEET SILVER BELLS ♪

♪ ALL SEEM TO SAY, THROW-- ♪

(indistinct conversations)

(woman) AND TWO MORE!

THAT HAT RIGHT THERE MEANS

HE BELONGS TO A YACHT CLUB.

OR HE'S BALD

AND UNDERSTANDS eBay.

SORRY. I'M TRYING.

IT'S JUST SO SOUL-SUCKING.

COME ON. JUST SMILE.

HOW ABOUT THIS PEAR GUY?

LET'S LISTEN TO WHAT HE HAS

TO SAY. HE MIGHT SURPRISE YOU.

OKAY.

THESE WERE DRIVEN IN

FROM VIRGINIA THIS MORNING.

RIPENED ON THE TREE,

OF COURSE.

WE SPECIALIZE IN ASIAN PEARS.

THIS IS A SHINSUI...

I HAVE

AN UNIMPRESSIVE PENIS.

WE'LL HAVE SEX ONCE A WEEK

IN THE MISSIONARY POSITION

AND THEN SPOON

UNTIL I HAVE TO PEE.

AND THIS IS A DAISU LI--

CRISP, SLIGHTLY TART,

WITH A NUTTY FINISH.

OKAY. (giggles)

CHL-CHLOE!

CHLOE!

NOT HIM! HE SELLS GLOW STICKS

FROM HIS BIKE!

AT LEAST PUT ON A HELMET!

HE WILL!

(bicycle bell dings)

(door bells jingle)

OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

WHAT IS THAT?

IS THAT YOUR VITAMIN?

MNH. VITAMIN C

FOR "CARELESS."

LOOK, I KNOW

I SCREWED UP YESTERDAY,

BUT I WANT TO START OVER.

OKAY.

BUT WE HAVE TO START

ALL THE WAY AT SQUARE ONE.

FIRST, YOU NEED TO LEARN

WHAT AN APPROPRIATE GUY IS.

OKAY, HE IS SINGLE,

HE HAS A JOB,

HE IS EMOTIONALLY

AND PHYSICALLY AVAILABLE--

HE HAS ALL HIS LIMBS.

NO, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO

HAVE ALL OF HIS LIMBS.

OH.

JUST AS LONG AS HE DOESN'T BLAME

THE WORLD FOR LOSING THEM.

OH, YOU GUYS TALKING

ABOUT LIMBS?

JUST WORKING ON GETTING MINE

IN TIP-TOP SHAPE.

YEAH, JENNIFER HATED MUSCLES

ON A MAN.

SHE SAID THEY MADE ME

LOOK LIKE ANGELA BASSETT.

AH, CHLOE. YOUR STUPID

EXPERIMENT DONE YET?

'CAUSE I NEED YOU

TO GO TO A PARTY WITH ME.

I TRIED LUTHER AS MY WINGMAN

LAST NIGHT. DID NOT WORK.

(dance music playing)

THOSE EARRINGS ARE TERRIBLE.

(slurps)

DON'T LOOK AT ME.

I DIDN'T MAKE 'EM.

I'M SORRY.

SHE CAN'T GO OUT TONIGHT.

SHE AND I ARE

GONNA SIT AT HOME

AND SET UP

HER ONLINE DATING PROFILE.

WE ARE?

WOW. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY

PRODUCTIVE USE OF YOUR TIME.

(blows raspberry)

(laughs)

THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

(keys clicking)

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHOTOS

WHERE YOU'RE NOT CUPPING

YOUR BREASTS?

EW. NO. WHY?

I'LL GO GET MY CAMERA.

(knock on door)

HEY.

I NEED TO BORROW A MIXER.

I'M MAKING BISCUITS

FOR MY BRUNCH.

BORROW? YOU CAN JUST HAVE IT.

IT'S JUNE'S ANYWAY,

SO I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.

(computer chimes)

THANKS.

OH. I THINK SOMEONE

JUST WINKED AT ME.

CAN YOU BLAME 'EM?

HUH. I THOUGHT

WE WERE OUT OF WHISKEY.

ANGELA BASSETT PLAYED

TINA TURNER IN THE MOVIE.

THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE.

WANT ME TO FIGHT ANGELA ME?

'CAUSE I WILL.

MARK, I'VE NEVER SEEN

THIS SIDE OF YOU BEFORE.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN

A LOT OF THINGS.

(gasps)

HOLY CRAP.

JUNE!

WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

MY WINDOW GOT STUCK,

AND SINCE EVERYONE

IN THE BUILDING HATES US,

THE LANDLORD REFUSES

TO FIX IT.

I LIKE TO KEEP CRACKERS

NEXT TO MY BED

JUST IN CASE I WAKE UP QUEASY.

WHO CARES? GUESS WHAT.

I FINALLY LIKE

AN APPROPRIATE GUY.

MARK!

I'M TOTALLY ATTRACTED TO MARK.

WAIT. MARK? MY MARK?

BUT YOU DIDN'T KNOW HIS NAME

YESTERDAY.

I KNOW. BUT I JUST HAD

A SEX DREAM ABOUT HIM.

SEX DREAMS NEVER LIE.

WELL, I MEAN, I-I GUESS--

I GUESS THAT COULD WORK.

I MEAN, HE MEETS

ALL THE CRITERIA.

HE'S CUTE, HE'S KIND,

HE HAS A JOB.

I KNOW. DON'T EAT THAT.

PIGEONS WALKED ON THAT.

HE'S GREAT, RIGHT?

YOU DID IT.

NO, WE DID IT.

WE DID IT. YAY!

YAY!

WELL, I'M GONNA GO TAKE HIM

DOWN TO POUND TOWN. AH!

NO! BABY STEPS.

(hums)

NO!

OKAY, SO WE HAVE

TO TREAD CAREFULLY

BECAUSE MARK'S MY BOSS

AND YOU'RE MY ROOMMATE,

AND THINGS COULD GET

A LITTLE MESSY.

RIGHT. BUT JUST FOR YOU,

SO IT'S OKAY.

OKAY, CHLOE,

ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE.

LUTHER IS NOT WORKING OUT

AS MY WINGMAN.

♪♪♪

HEY, GIRL.

YOU LIKE MY FRIEND

OVER THERE?

JAMES VAN DER BEEK.

(singsongy)

HE LIKES YOU, TOO.

(normal voice) BUT I DON'T.

HE IS A GUEST JUDGE ON

"PROJECT RUNWAY" IN THE MORNING.

HE NEEDS HIS BEAUTY SLEEP OR HIS

FACE WILL BE BIG AS A PLATE.

SO GET YOUR PURSE

AND CLICK-CLACK ON OUT OF HERE.

CLICK-CLACK. CLICK-CLACK.

(slurps)

(mouths words)

(mouths words)

SORRY, JAMES,

CHLOE HAS CHANGED.

SHE FINALLY LIKES

AN APPROPRIATE GUY.

MARK, THE GUY WITH THE BIG HAIR

FROM JUNE'S WORK.

NO WAY.

I DON'T BUY IT.

IF SHE LIKES HIM, THERE'S GOTTA

BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM.

WE JUST DON'T KNOW

WHAT IT IS YET.

SHE ONLY LIKES

INAPPROPRIATE GUYS.

NOT ANYMORE.

AND WE'RE GOING

TO SEE MARK NOW

AND CHLOE IS GOING

TO INTERACT WITH HIM

IN A POLITE

AND NONSEXUAL MANNER.

WHATEVER THAT MEANS!

(door bells jingle)

HI THERE.

YOU MUST BE MARK.

I'M CHLOE. NICE TO MEET YOU.

(muffled) YEAH, WE'VE MET,

LIKE, 30 TIMES.

(giggles)

YES. (laughs loudly)

SO, MARK,

YOU SECRETLY MARRIED? KIDS?

YOU EVER KILL A MAN

OUTSIDE OF COMBAT?

JAMES, NOT NOW.

I'M IN A CRISIS, OKAY?

MY FRIEND MARTIN AND HIS WIFE

JUST CANCELED ON ME FOR BRUNCH.

NOW I'M DOWN TO FOUR PEOPLE.

I MEAN, THAT'S NOT BRUNCH.

THAT'S BARELY

A CASUAL BREAKFAST.

IT'S A WASTE

OF EVERYONE'S TIME.

OOH! MARK, CHLOE CAN COME.

YEAH, I'LL COME, TOO.

I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING

YOUR GAY LOVER WHOSE NAME IS...

ALL RIGHT.

UH, BACK UP TO SIX!

(laughs) CAN'T KEEP BRUNCH

DOWN FOR LONG. BRUNCH!

(June and Chloe laugh)

(whispers) CHLOE.

(normal voice) CHLOE,

THIS IS PERFECT.

YOU CAN TELL MARK YOU LIKE HIM

AT A DAYTIME CHAPERONED MEAL.

OH, GOD. THIS IS SUCH HARD WORK.

WHEN DOES THE FUN START?

WHEN YOU GET A RING

ON YOUR FINGER, MISS THING.

WHAT?

I SWUNG TOO FAR.

WELCOME, BRUNCHERS.

COME ON IN. OKAY, WE GOT KYLE

AT THE JUICE STATION,

THAT'S TIM WATCHING FOOTBALL

ON MUTE

WHILE HE'S LISTENING TO JAZZ.

THE AUDIO DOESN'T EVEN MATCH

THE VISUAL AND IT'S OKAY.

IT'S BRUNCH! (chuckles)

HEY. WE'RE NOT LATE, ARE WE?

"WE"?

YEAH, I JUST WENT

AND PICKED UP ANTHONY

FROM KARATE CLASS.

OH, OKAY.

IT'S, UH, SUPPOSED TO BE

BRUNCH FOR JUST SIX,

BUT SURE. WHATEVER.

YOU'RE FAMOUS.

CHLOE, YOU REMEMBER ANTHONY,

RIGHT?

LOOK AT HIM ALL SWEATY

IN HIS KARATE GI.

SMOOTH AND HAIRLESS.

(slurps)

AH! YOU KNOW, I FINISHED EVERY

WII GAME I'VE EVER STARTED.

YELLOW BELT, HUH? WEAK.

(Mark and Chloe laugh)

SO I REALIZED THE OLD WOMAN

I'D BEEN PARTYING WITH ALL NIGHT

WAS REALLY PAUL McCARTNEY.

(laughs) SO DID YOU TELL HIM

THE GREEN BEANS HAD BEEN

IN YOUR PURSE?

OF COURSE NOT.

MY SKIRT WAS ALREADY RIPPED.

YOU KNOW,

ANTHONY LIKES THE BEATLES.

HE CAN SING

"NORWEGIAN WOOD."

HOW COME EVERYONE ELSE

HAS REAL SILVERWARE?

'CAUSE I HAD

PLACE SETTINGS...

FOR SIX...

ANTHONY.

(whispering) TIME TO LET HIM

KNOW THAT YOU'RE INTERESTED.

TELL HIM YOU WANT

TO SEE HIS APARTMENT

AND GET SOME ONE-ON-ONE TIME.

OKAY.

SO, MARK, THIS IS

A REALLY NICE ROOM.

ARE THERE ANY OTHER NICE ROOMS

THAT I COULD SEE?

YEAH, SURE. UM, THE EGGS ARE

IN THE WARMING TRAY,

THE GRAPEFRUIT'S BEEN SUGARED.

LET'S DO IT.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

HOT 17-YEAR-OLD DUDE IN A GI.

NOTHING.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, JUNE.

I'VE LOST HER.

HMM.

CAN I HAVE ANOTHER JUICE?

NO. YOU'VE HAD THREE ALREADY.

SO THIS IS ME IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND THAT IS

ACTUALLY THIS SHIRT.

ARE THOSE CRACKERS?

YEAH, I KEEP THEM THERE

IN CASE I GET QUEASY.

IT WAS JUNE'S IDEA.

SHE'S REALLY SMART.

SEE, I HAVE THESE WEIRD DREAMS

WHERE I'M ON A ROLLER COASTER...

I LIKE JUNE.

I REALLY LIKE JUNE.

I DON'T KNOW IT YET,

BUT I LIKE JUNE.

WE'RE FRIENDS AND JUNE PROBABLY

DOESN'T LIKE ME,

SO THAT'S WHAT'S KEEPING ME

FROM SEEING IT.

BUT YEAH, JUNE.

OHH.

THAT'S WHY I WAS

ATTRACTED TO YOU.

WHAT?

YOU'RE

EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE.

YOU ARE

AN INAPPROPRIATE GUY.

UH...

BUT JUST BECAUSE

I HAVE A DEEP URGE TO SLEEP

WITH YOU DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO.

NOPE. I'M WALKING AWAY.

I GUESS I HAVE CHANGED.

(giggles)

(sighs) SOMETIMES

YOU THROW BRUNCH,

AND SOMETIMES BRUNCH THROWS YOU.

OH, JAMES.

STOP POUTING.

YOU'RE JUST UPSET BECAUSE

YOU LOST YOUR WINGMAN,

BUT THIS IS GONNA BE BETTER

FOR CHLOE.

BETTER FOR CHLOE

OR FOR YOU?

YOU JUST DON'T WANT

YOUR NEIGHBORS

TO THINK YOU'RE A SLUT.

WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH ANYWAY?

DO YOU EVEN LIKE THEM?

NO.

BUT YOU LIKE CHLOE?

YEAH.

YEAH, 'CAUSE SHE'S SPONTANEOUS

AND CHARMING.

AND FUN AND UNPREDICTABLE.

SO WHY ARE YOU TRYING

TO CHANGE HER?

(cell phone alert chimes)

(sighs)

I SHOULD'VE BOUGHT

MORE CROISSANTS.

I MEAN, I STOOD THERE

AT THE GROCERY STORE,

I HAD THEM IN MY HAND,

AND I CHOKED.

I CHOKED.

WAIT.

IF MARK IS HERE, THEN WHO--

ANTHONY, NO!

WHO ARE YOU, MY MA?

OH, THANK GOD.

WAIT. THEN WHO'S IN THERE?

'SUP, CHICKENS?

ARIGATO. HEY!

YES! SEX WITH A STRANGER

IN ANOTHER DUDE'S BEDROOM!

WELCOME BACK!

I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

I COULDN'T DO IT.

I COULDN'T MARRY A FARMER.

(laughs)

WHERE ARE MY EGGS?

WHAT'S GO--WHO WAS THAT?

UM, TIM?

THIS BRUNCH MADE ME REALIZE

THAT I STILL LIKE

INAPPROPRIATE GUYS.

SO IT'S NOT GONNA WORK OUT

WITH MARK. I HOPE IT'S OKAY.

IT IS OKAY. I AM SO SORRY

FOR TRYING TO CHANGE YOU

AND MAKE YOU INTO SOMETHING

THAT YOU'RE NOT.

OH, MY GOD.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.

LOVE YOU 1,000%.

OKAY. BYE-BYE.

(beep)

GUESS WHAT.

JENNIFER AND I ARE

BACK TOGETHER!

THAT'S GREAT. JUST DON'T

LET HER CHANGE YOU.

I WON'T.

OKAY, EVERYBODY OUT.

I NEED TO SHAVE

AND PUT ON SOME SLEEVES.

UH, WE'RE GONNA SEE

IF WE CAN SQUEEZE IN A HIKE.

CATS CAN'T WALK THEMSELVES.

SO LET'S GO, BRUCE LEE.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

WELL,

I GUESS IT'S FOR THE BEST

THAT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT

WITH YOU AND MARK.

IT JUST WASN'T MEANT TO BE.

YEAH, AND I GOT THE SENSE

THAT HE HAD A THING

FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.

OKAY. LET'S GO.

I NEED YOU TO COME

TO A PARTY WITH ME RIGHT NOW.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO WITH

LUTHER, BUT HE'S KILLING ME.

I KNOW YOU THINK

YOU'RE PRETTY,

BUT YOU'RE SEAN ASTIN PRETTY,

NOT VAN DER BEEK PRETTY.

(Miss Amani's

"Who's On My Rocket?" playing)

♪ THE MISSION'S ON,

ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO ♪

(indistinct conversations)

ALL RIGHT. SORRY, LUTHER.

MY WINGMAN IS BACK.

I'M TAPPING YOU OUT.

BUT WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS.

I FOUND YOU A FIXER-UPPER.

I'M CIRCLING HER PROBLEM AREAS.

SHE'S GONNA GO WORK ON THEM

AND COME BACK.

LUTHER,

THIS GIRL IS BEAUTIFUL.

SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

NOTHING PLEASES HIM.

EXCUSE ME FOR STRIVING

FOR PERFECTION...

(marker thuds)

FOR YOU.

LUTHER, I'M--THAT'S--

THAT'S NOT... (sighs)

(Luther) FOR YOU, JAMES!

FOR YOU!

THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.