Original subtitles

(June) IF YOU TOLD

12-YEAR-OLD ME

THAT ONE DAY I'D BE

AT A FANCY NEW YORK WEDDING

MAKING OUT

WITH JAMES VAN DER BEEK

WHILE KEVIN SORBO WATCHED,

I'D HAVE TO SAY YOU WERE NUTS,

BUT NOTHING SURPRISES ME

ANYMORE...

OHH!

YOU BITCH!

(loud slap)

(gasps) OHH!

NOT SINCE I MET CHLOE,

THE BEST ROOMMATE IN THE WORLD.

(woman) ♪ I'M NOT PERFECT,

I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

(both laughing)

THAT WAS THE WORST VODKA LAUNCH

WE'VE BEEN TO YET.

(switches click)

(grunts) I'LL SAY.

WHAT SHE'S HAVING?

I DON'T EVEN GET IT.

IT'S SO THAT WHEN YOU ORDER

AT THE BAR, YOU CAN SAY,

"I'LL HAVE

WHAT SHE'S HAVING."

THAT MAKES ME VERY ANGRY.

(laughs)

OH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

FOOD.

EATING YOUR LUNCH

FOR TOMORROW.

I LOVE THAT

YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF CHEESE.

OKAY. I HAVE TO WAKE UP

SUPER EARLY TOMORROW.

I HAVE TO DROP OFF RESUMES

IN THE FINANCIAL DISTRICT AND--

(keyboard keys click)

IT'S ON HERE! IT'S ON HERE!

(gasps)

(squeals)

(gasps)

"JAMES VAN DER BEEK,

"NEWEST CAST MEMBER

OF 'DANCING WITH THE STARS,'

"LEAVING CLUB

WITH DARK-HAIRED BEAUTY

AND SELF-PROCLAIMED

CALIFORNIA RAISIN HEIRESS."

(laughing)

(squeals)

THE LEGEND GROWS!

HEY, SHOULD WE SHOW HER

OUR ROUTINE?

READY?

WE MADE IT UP IN THE CAB!

LOOK, WE'RE ZOMBIES.

I USED TO HAVE

A POSTER OF YOU.

(horn honks in distance)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

OH. HEY, ROBIN.

I'M BRINGING CHLOE THE MAIL

AS YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE

OF THE MANY WONDERFUL THINGS

I WOULD DO IF I WERE

HER ROOMMATE AGAIN.

MM.

I'M NOT WEAK. YOU'RE WEAK.

NO.

(sighs)

(door closes)

(horn honks in distance)

OH, DON'T BOTHER.

I ALREADY ATE ALL THE PILLS

FROM UNDERNEATH THE COUCH.

(refrigerator door opens)

(Eli) SHE'S BEEN LIKE THAT

ALL DAY.

NORMALLY I LIKE

A MOTIONLESS WOMAN ON THE FLOOR,

BUT I'M GETTING

A SAD HIT OFF THIS ONE.

IT'S

CRISSY AND ROBERT'S WEDDING.

STEVEN AND I WERE SUPPOSED

TO GO AS A COUPLE.

WE GOT THE "SAVE THE DATE,"

LIKE, A YEAR AGO,

BEFORE I KNEW HE WAS

DIDDLING NURSE NICOLE.

OHH. JUST THINK, BY THE TIME

WE GO TO THIS WEDDING,

WE'LL BE LIVING IN NEW YORK

AND WE'LL ALREADY BE MARRIED.

HEY, DR. STEVEN.

OH.

I HAVE

THE FILE YOU ASKED FOR.

THANK YOU, NICOLE.

WILL YOU BE

AT THE GYM LATER?

I HAVE A NEW SPORTS BRA.

(chuckles)

YOU KNOW I LIKE TO EXERCISE.

(chuckles)

I CAN'T BELIEVE

HOW STUPID I WAS.

(tambourine jangling)

(sighs) WHEN WE BROKE UP,

STEVEN AND I DIVVIED UP

ALL THE COMMITMENTS WE HAD

AS A COUPLE,

AND I GOT THIS WEDDING,

BUT... (sighs)

THERE'S NO WAY I CAN GO.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SEEN

ANY OF OUR FRIENDS

SINCE WE BROKE UP,

AND I'M TOO ASHAMED

TO FACE THEM,

AND CAN YOU STOP

WITH THE TAMBOURINE, PLEASE?!

(jangles)

OH, IS MY TAMBO BOTHERING YOU?

SORRY. JUST PRACTICING.

MY BAND GOT A GIG.

OKAY, IF YOU'RE GONNA LET

ONE STUPID SETBACK

KNOCK YOU OFF

YOUR EASY SPIRITS,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST MOVE

HOME TO INDIANA.

THESE SHOES ARE, LIKE,

THE BEST THING

GOING ON IN MY LIFE

RIGHT NOW.

YOU NEED

TO LEARN SOME CONFIDENCE.

THIS IS NEW YORK.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU DO.

IT'S HOW YOU DO IT.

(muttering)

DON'T WRITE THAT DOWN.

(Chloe)

JUNE, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT

AND TEACH YOU HOW

TO BE BADASS.

IF YOU HAVE

THE RIGHT ATTITUDE,

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING

AND GO ANYWHERE.

NOW WALK UP

TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE

LIKE YOU HAVE GEORGE CLOONEY

BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.

WHAT?

IF YOU'RE NAILING

THAT SALT-AND-PEPPER BASTARD,

THAT MEANS YOU'VE MADE IT.

COVER'S 20 BUCKS.

OKAY.

TO GET

THE BARTENDER'S ATTENTION,

IMAGINE YOU'RE GETTING

A DRINK FOR GEORGE CLOONEY.

(mouths words)

TOO EAGER.

TOO "ORDERING POTATO SKINS

AT NIFTY O'SHANNIGANS."

THERE YOU GO.

NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT.

♪♪♪

AND WHEN YOU'RE

ON THE DANCE FLOOR,

PRETEND YOU'RE GETTING UP

ON JAMIE FOXX

JUST ENOUGH TO MAKE

CLOONEY JEALOUS.

(whispers) OKAY.

(man)

♪ GOT ME IN A TRANCE NOW ♪

HOLD YOUR GAZE.

NOW SWITCH.

♪ MUCH LONGER ♪

NOW SWITCH.

SWITCH.

SWITCH. SWITCH! SWITCH!

SWITCH! MM! NICE.

♪ YOU LOOK GOOD ♪

♪♪♪

WOW.

IMPRESSIVE.

WHATEVER.

OH, I LIKE IT--

NOT ACCEPTING

THE COMPLIMENT,

FEIGNING CASUALNESS LIKE

YOU DON'T CARE.

MM. I DON'T CARE, DOUCHE.

OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.

I'M SORRY. I'M JUST SO FULL

OF ADRENALINE,

I FEEL LIKE I COULD LIFT

A CAR RIGHT NOW.

(chuckles and sighs)

J.V.D.B.,

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'M CHOOSING

A LOOK FOR MY BAND'S GIG.

DOES THIS SHIRT SAY THAT

I REALLY BRING THE FUNK?

MM... YES.

(door opens)

JUNE'S HOME.

(door closes)

USING THE THIRD PERSON

ALREADY, HUH?

JAMES LIKES IT.

(refrigerator door opens)

TODAY WAS AN INCREDIBLE DAY.

I GOT A LEAD ON A JOB

AT A BROKERAGE FIRM,

A GAY MAN ASKED ME TO BE

IN HIS SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL,

AND A STREET VENDOR GAVE ME

THIS HOT DOG...

(keys jangle)

FOR FREE.

I EXUDE CONFIDENCE NOW,

AND THE WORLD CAN JUST

SENSE IT.

CHLOE IS A GENIUS.

I-I NEED TO THANK HER.

YEAH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW

WHERE SHE IS.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR HER

FOR, LIKE, AN HOUR.

(computer chimes)

THAT WAS MY MOM,

AND I DIDN'T ANSWER IT.

I'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF SHE GETS UPSET WITH ME

AND DOESN'T SEND ME COOKIES

THIS WEEK,

SO BE IT.

MY MOTHER INVENTED

LUNCHABLES.

DIDN'T GET ANY CREDIT

FOR IT, THOUGH.

(sighs)

TRUSTED THE WRONG PEOPLE.

(horn honks,

indistinct conversations)

(lock clicks)

(laughs)

HEY, JUNE!

(switch clicks)

I KNOW YOU HATE

WHEN I COME HOME DRUNK AND FUN

AND EAT TOMORROW'S LUNCH.

(keys jangle)

YOU'RE IN A RUT

WITH THE TUNA, BY THE WAY.

(gasps)

I'M HOME BEFORE HER?

THAT LITTLE HOOKER.

(June laughing)

(James speaks indistinctly)

(lock clicks)

"I'M HOTKA VODKA!"

OH! HEY! THERE SHE IS.

(door closes)

THE SEXY PIRATE! EYELINER!

(laughing)

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I TOOK HER

TO THE VODKA LAUNCH.

THEY GAVE ME A MAGNET!

YOU TOOK HER

TO THE VODKA LAUNCH?

TAKE A PICTURE OF ME

AND THE MAGNET.

I GO TO THOSE THINGS

WITH YOU...

(camera shutter clicks)

AND COME BACK LIKE THAT.

THAT'S OUR THING.

(click)

WELL, I WAITED FOR YOU,

BUT YOU NEVER SHOWED.

OH, MAN. IT'S TOO BAD, TOO.

THEY HAD TONS OF DRUGS

AND A BAKED POTATO BAR...

(chuckles) AND THEN

MACAULAY CULKIN GOT...

(grunts)

HIS FACE PAINTED LIKE

A TIGER.

(laughs) IT WAS AWESOME.

WELL, JUNE'S DEAD.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

(snoring)

(door closes)

(snoring)

(snorts)

(grunts)

MORNING.

I'D OFFER YOU BREAKFAST,

BUT YOU DIDN'T MAKE ANY.

OHH. WHAT A NIGHT!

OHH. JAMES AND I HAD

SO MUCH FUN.

MM.

WE TALKED ABOUT CAMPING

AND GROWING UP AND S'MORES.

OH, SO AMISH THINGS.

(sighs) OH.

I'M SURE I'M LATE FOR WORK.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL FILL YOU IN

ON THE REST TONIGHT. (panting)

WHAT? TONIGHT?

(camera shutters clicking)

(man) ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT

"DANCING WITH THE STARS"?

(man) HEY, HOW DO YOU FEEL

ABOUT... (speaks indistinctly)

(chuckles)

(man) FACE ME, JAMES!

(woman)

THINK YOU'RE THE FAVORITE

TO WIN

"DANCING WITH THE STARS"?

HEY, CAN WE GET

A SECURITY GUARD

TO STAND GUARD OVER THIS GUY?

I DON'T WANT ANY HOLES CUT

IN HIS MOUTH.

OH, MY GOSH!

LOOK AT THE SIZE

OF THOSE SHRIMP!

THAT'S AMAZING!

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW MUCH PRESS

SHOWED UP FOR ME?

EVEN THE BBC's HERE.

OF COURSE, THEY'VE LOVED ME

EVER SINCE I DID

THAT GUY RITCHIE MOVIE.

(cockney accent) I TOLD

CHALKY AND PUFF PUFF AND THEM

DOWN AT PUB

ABOUT ME TROUBLE AND STRIFE,

AND THEN SHE COME IN

ALL HUNGRY-LIKE,

MAKE ME GO DOWN TO CHIP SHOP,

PUT ME MAGNUM IN HIS MOUTH,

AND RIGHT SPRAY HIS BRAINS.

♪♪♪

HOLD THESE.

(plates clatter)

I'LL GET MORE.

UGH. I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU INVITED HER.

(chuckles) WHAT?

SHE'S FUN, AND HER COLORING

MAKES MY EYES POP.

(sighs) I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST

GONNA BE US TONIGHT.

BRINGING SOMEBODY ELSE IN--

IT MESSES UP OUR DYNAMIC.

SURE, I TOOK HER OUT ONCE,

BUT THAT WAS JUST

A ONE-OFF, A PITY LAY.

IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE,

LIKE, A FULL-TIME THING.

HELLO. I'M HERE TODAY

TO INTRODUCE MYSELF TO YOU...

(woman) WHOO!

NOT AS AN ACTOR,

HUMANITARIAN, OR AUTHOR,

BUT AS A DANCER...

(camera shutters clicking)

SO THIS IS JUST

A SILLY LITTLE DANCE

THAT A FRIEND AND I LIKE

TO DO JUST FOR FUN.

(squeals)

(cheers and applause)

♪♪♪

WHAT THE HELL?

♪♪♪

(rips)

♪♪♪

WHEN DID YOU REHEARSE THIS?

WE DIDN'T. (chuckles)

♪♪♪

(banging on door)

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

LIKE YOU'RE THE POLICE!

I AM SO SORRY. I TRIED

TO SHUT DOWN THE INTERNET,

BUT IT'S BIGGER THAN ME.

OH, MY GOD.

MM.

I WAS IN THAT PHOTO.

(whispers) I KNOW.

THEY PHOTOSHOPPED ME OUT!

I WOULD NEVER LET ANYONE CUT YOU

OUT OF A PHOTO WITH ME.

IN FACT, SEGUE...

(clicks keys)

LET ME SHOW YOU SOME PHOTOS

I CUT YOU INTO.

HERE IS

THE WHITEWATER RAFTING TRIP

WE TOOK LAST YEAR.

(click)

THIS IS US IN BELIZE.

YOU'RE WEARING

A PUKA SHELL NECK--

MORNING.

ANYONE WANT A BAGEL?

DON'T EAT THAT.

EAT THE BRIOCHE FRENCH TOAST

WITH APPLE BUTTER...

(refrigerator door opens)

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU.

UGH! I HAVE TO GO.

THAT TAKES TIME.

OR...

(door closes)

WE COULD HAVE

ONE OF... THESE!

I AM SO EXCITED!

MY PICTURE'S NEVER BEEN

ON THE INTERNET BEFORE!

(closes refrigerator door)

EVERY TIME YOU SEARCH

"JUNE COLBERN,"

IT'S THIS WOMAN IN PORTLAND

WHO DROWNED HER KIDS.

CHLOE, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

(paper bag rustles)

YOU GAVE ME THE CONFIDENCE TO GO

TO THE WEDDING TODAY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I DECIDED TO GO,

AND JAMES IS GOING TO BE

MY PLUS-ONE.

BUT WE'RE GOING TO DEREK JETER'S

BARBECUE LATER TODAY.

I WAS GONNA CONVINCE HIM

TO LEAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND

FOR, LIKE, 20 MINUTES.

LOOK, CHLOE,

YOU CAN'T ASK ME TO MISS OUT

ON A WEDDING

WITH MIDWESTERNERS.

IT'S WHERE

MY STAR SHINES BRIGHTEST.

IT'S LIKE MY ACADEMY AWARDS.

NO. YOU GUYS ARE DONE

HANGING OUT.

NO MORE PICTURES,

NO MORE BAGELS,

AND DEFINITELY NO WEDDINGS.

(clatters)

OH, MY GOD.

SHE'S JEALOUS OF US.

SHE'S JEALOUS THAT

YOU AND I ARE FRIENDS.

HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT ME

LIKE I'M NOT HERE?!

OKAY, THIS IS

THE MOST UN-FUN THREESOME

I'VE EVER BEEN A PART OF.

NOBODY'S HAVING SEX,

AND SOMEONE'S YELLING.

I'M OUTTA HERE.

(door opens)

JAMES AND I ARE GOING

TO THIS WEDDING...

(door closes)

AND I WILL NOT BE

INTIMIDATED.

THIS CONFIDENCE THAT

YOU'RE EXHIBITING IS MINE.

I GAVE IT TO YOU,

AND I'M TAKING IT BACK.

YOU CAN'T.

IT'S IN MY BODY NOW.

I'M NEW YORK JUNE.

"JAM ON

YOUR BLUEBERRY BAGEL, JUNE?"

"NO, THANKS.

"I'LL HAVE

AN EVERYTHING BAGEL...

WITH SCHMEAR."

BE WHITER

WHEN YOU SAY THAT!

(horns honking in distance)

(laughs) SO WE WENT

TO THIS CLUB. SO COOL.

MEN AND WOMEN PEE

IN THE SAME BATHROOM.

(crowd murmurs)

(laughs)

SO I'M DOING REALLY WELL HERE.

(panting) NO FREAKIN' WAY.

JAMES VAN DER BEEK IS

AT MY WEDDING. EXCUSE ME.

CONGRATULATIONS, CRISSY.

SHUT UP.DAWSON JUST KISSED

MY HAND. (chuckling)

OBVIOUSLY, MY WIFE IS

SUPER EXCITED THAT YOU'RE HERE.

(chuckles)

UM, YOU'RE HER FREEBIE.

AH.

THE FREEBIE. YES.

THE ONE EXCEPTION

TO THE MARRIAGE VOW.

(chuckles) YEAH.

THE GREATEST RESPONSIBILITY

THAT COMES WITH BEING

A CELEBRITY.

(chuckles)

UH, MY FREEBIE IS

PERI GILPIN.

UH, YOU KNOW, UH, ROZ

FROM "FRASIER."

SHE'S SO DRY.

(breathes heavily)

(Crissy) HA HA!

(Crissy and Robert chuckle)

♪♪♪

OOH! BAR.

DON'T MIND IF I DO.

♪♪♪

(amplified voice) THANK YOU.

WE ARE MAY/DECEMBER!

ELI, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING HERE?

THIS IS MY GIG.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S GREAT. YOU'RE ACTUALLY

KIND OF A NORMAL PERSON

OUTSIDE OF YOUR APARTMENT.

I'M LAYERED, JUNE,

LIKE AN ONION,

A SEXY, SEXY ONION.

(tambourine jangles)

DO YOU LIKE

THE WORD "BULBOUS"?

(bass and drum playing)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,

AND WHY ARE YOU HERE

WITH KEVIN SORBO?

I ONLY ARRIVE AT EVENTS

WITH CELEBRITIES.

I LIKE TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE,

AND SINCE YOU TOOK

THE ONE I USUALLY USE,

HERCULES STEPPED IN.

WHEN DO I GIVE MY SPEECH?

UM, AFTER DINNER.

WHAT SPEECH?

OH, I'M THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER

AT THIS BENEFIT.

CHLOE SET IT UP

THROUGH MY PUBLICIST.

YOU SEE, I'M REALLY INVOLVED

IN THE FIGHT AGAINST M.S.

UH, HERE. IT'S MY AUNT BONNIE.

I'LL BE SHARING HER STORY

WITH YOU LATER TONIGHT.

OKAY.

"A," YOU WERE NOT INVITED

TO THIS WEDDING,

"B," YOU TOTALLY CONNED

KEVIN SORBO,

AND "C," I HAVE A LIFE

THAT HAPPENS TO INCLUDE

A FRIENDSHIP WITH JAMES.

WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT?

(Steven) JUNE?

(door closes)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I-I CALLED THIS MORNING

TO GIVE YOU THE HEADS-UP.

DIDN'T CHLOE TELL YOU?

(rings and beeps)

HELLO?

CHLOE, IT'S STEVEN.

JUNE'S EX-FIANCE.

YOU AND I HAD SEX

ON HER BIRTHDAY CAKE.

IT WAS CHOCOLATE.

OH, HEY. WHAT'S UP?

WELL, IS JUNE THERE?

NO, SHE'S IN THE SHOWER

GETTING READY FOR THE WEDDING.

SO ANNOYING.

I KNOW JUNE GOT THE WEDDING

AFTER THE BREAKUP,

BUT, UH, I'M IN NEW YORK,

AND I DECIDED TO GO,

so could you let her know?

I COULD.

I SAID, "I COULD."

I DIDN'T SAY I WOULD.

SEMANTICS. GO.

(indistinct conversations)

I'M SO GLAD YOU DECIDED

TO COME, STEVEN.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

SO YOU'RE OKAY WITH ME

BEING HERE? (chuckles)

YOU'RE NOT GONNA

FREAK OUT?

(laughs) OH, STEVEN.

WHEN DID YOU GET SO FUNNY?

(chuckles)

WHAT? NO, IT'S NOT FUNNY.

IT'S HURTFUL.

SPEAKING OF,

STEVEN, HOW IS YOUR PENIS

SINCE THE LAST TIME

I SAW IT?

(chuckles) CHLOE, I'M SURE

YOU DON'T REMEMBER.

YOU'VE SEEN, LIKE,

300 SINCE THEN.

YOU WANT TO GET A DRINK?

OH, MY SECOND ONE

OF THE DAY, YOU MEAN?

SURE.

SO... (sighs) I'M HAVING TROUBLE

FINDING THE I.T. GUY.

I MEAN, YOU GOT

THE PowerPoint PRESENTATION

I E-MAILED YOU, RIGHT?

BECAUSE I NEED TO SYNC

MY SLIDES TO MUSIC.

(exhales deeply)

YEAH, DON'T WORRY.

IT'S ALL TAKEN CARE OF.

(chuckles)

GOOD.

(exhales deeply)

SO, UM, HOW DID

THIS DISEASE AFFECT YOU?

I... HAVE...

(laughs)

YOU REMEMBER THE TIME

WHEN I WANTED

TO GO SKINNY-DIPPING

AND YOU SAID NO

'CAUSE OF YOUR THING

WITH COMMUNITY SWIMMING?

(chuckles)

OHH.

I WAS OBSESSED

WITH ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWING

FECAL MOLECULES.

OHH. (chuckles)

OHH. I DON'T EVEN KNOW

THAT GIRL ANYMORE. (chuckles)

(chuckles) YOU DO SEEM

REALLY DIFFERENT.

YEAH, I HAVE

A TRANSVESTITE FRIEND NOW.

HER NAME IS TIM.

(chuckles)

WELL, I'D BETTER GET BACK

TO MY DATE,

JAMES VAN DER BEEK.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

UH, HEY, JUNE?

SORRY. UM...

DOES THIS MEAN

WE CAN BE FRIENDS?

YEAH.

YEAH, WE CAN BE FRIENDS.

(both moaning and panting)

OHH!

GOD, THIS IS SO HOT.

OHH.

MM. MM. OHH.

OLD JUNE NEVER WOULD HAVE

DONE THIS.

NEW JUNE ISN'T EVEN

WEARING A BRA,

JUST THOSE WEIRD CUPS

THAT STICK ON WITH TAPE.

OH, GOD!

(chuckles)

MM. MM! OHH.

(whispers) IT'S EVEN HOTTER

BECAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND'S HERE.

WHAT?

YEAH.

OH, WE'VE BEEN EXCLUSIVE

FOR, LIKE, THREE MONTHS

AND... (chuckles)

YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

(whispers)

I KNOW. SO ARE YOU.

NO.

(grunts)

WHAT? I THOUGHT, UH, YOU WERE

A NEW PERSON NOW, HUH?

(chuckles)

NO. NEW JUNE IS COOL DRINKING

WINE DURING THE DAY.

SHE'S NOT OKAY

WITH YOU CHEATING.

THAT'S WHY WE BROKE UP.

NO, WE BROKE UP

BECAUSE YOU'RE BORING.

WHAT?

IT FEELS SO GOOD

TO SAY THAT. (laughs)

YOU'RE BORING.

THAT'S WHY I CHEATED.

I DID IT TO FEEL ALIVE.

ALL RIGHT. WELL... (sighs)

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

(chuckles)

(May/December)

♪ STAY WITH ME, STAY ♪

(door opens)

♪ I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME ♪

♪ I NEED YOU TODAY ♪

♪ GIVE TO ME YOUR LEATHER ♪

♪ TAKE FROM ME MY LACE ♪

♪ TAKE FROM ME ♪

♪ MY LACE ♪

(cheers and applause)

(glass clatters)

(indistinct conversations)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF CANDICE?

AMAZING, RIGHT?

DO YOU KNOW SHE'S BEEN

SEXUALLY ACTIVE FOR 68 YEARS?

WHAT'S WRONG?

ARE YOU JEALOUS BECAUSE JAMES

IS HANGING OUT WITH JUNE?

WHAT? NO. WHY DOES EVERYONE

KEEP ASKING ME THAT?

SHH. HEY. HEY, CLO.

IT'S ME. IT'S YOUR PAL ELI.

COME ON, LADY.

I HATE THE NEW JUNE,

ALL RIGHT?

SHE HAS TO BE

IN THE SPOTLIGHT

AND GO PLACES

WITH A CELEBRITY.

IT'S LIKE EVERYTHING HAS

TO BE ABOUT HER.

WHEN EVERYTHING SHOULD BE

ALL ABOUT YOU.

EXACTLY. THANK YOU.

NOT BEING THE CENTER

OF ATTENTION MAKES YOU FEEL

LIKE YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL,

BUT, HEY, IT'S OKAY, C-BEAR.

EVERYBODY FEELS INSECURE

SOMETIMES.

OKAY, I JUST REALIZED THAT

THIS IS A WEDDING,

SO I'M GONNA STAY AND EAT

THE SALMON,

BECAUSE AUNT BONNIE CAN'T,

AND THEN I'M LEAVING TO FIRE

MY PUBLICIST.

BY THE WAY,

YOUR BLONDE FRIEND IS HAVING

A MELTDOWN IN THE COATROOM.

(gasps)

WHAT'S THE MATTER, JUNE?

NOT AS CONFIDENT

AS YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE?

(voice breaking)

HE SAID HE BROKE UP WITH ME

'CAUSE I WAS BORING.

(inhales deeply)

HE CALLED YOU "BORING"?

DUDE, THAT'S, LIKE,

THE WORST THING

YOU CAN SAY TO SOMEONE.

HE'S RIGHT. HE KNOWS ME

BETTER THAN ANYONE.

HE SAW RIGHT THROUGH ME.

(sniffles)

INSIDE, I'M STILL THE GIRL WHO'S

AFRAID TO GO SKINNY-DIPPING.

OH, SKINNY-DIPPING?

ARE PEOPLE GOING?

SEE? (sighs)

I'M NOT CONFIDENT LIKE YOU.

NEW YORK JUNE WAS ALL AN ACT.

(sniffles and sighs)

I'M JUST AN INSECURE MESS

WHO'S RIGHT BACK ON THE FLOOR

WHERE SHE STARTED.

(inhales deeply and sighs)

HERE. THIS IS UGLY.

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL...

(blows nose loudly)

IF ANYONE'S

GONNA BE CALLING YOU NAMES,

IT'S GONNA BE ME.

SECOND, JUST BECAUSE

SOME CHEATING LOSER

WITH A CHEAP SUIT

SAID SOMETHING

DOESN'T MAKE IT TRUE.

EVERYONE FEELS

A LITTLE INSECURE SOMETIMES.

(hangers swoosh)

I FEEL INSECURE SOMETIMES.

I MEAN... (chuckles) I'M GOING

ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS."

I'M ASKING AMERICA TO PICK UP

A PHONE AND JUDGE ME.

ONE DIGIT WILL SEPARATE ME

FROM AL ROKER.

I MEAN, WHAT IF

NO ONE VOTES FOR ME?

WHAT IF I'M TOO PRETTY?

(hangers swoosh)

MY HUSBAND AND I WILL VOTE

FOR YOU, JAMES.

OH. THANK YOU, CRISSY.

YEAH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

I MADE OUT WITH HIM

AFTER EVERYTHING THAT HE DID.

THAT WASN'T ME BEING

COOL AND AWESOME.

THAT WAS ME BEING WEAK.

JUNE, YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH HIM

FOR, LIKE, 30 YEARS.

YOU'RE NOT WEAK.

YOU HAVE

A DECEPTIVE STRENGTH,

AND YOU HAVE SOMETHING

YOU NEVER HAD IN INDIANA--ME.

SO COME ON. LET'S GO SHOW STEVEN

HOW FABULOUS YOU ARE.

JAMES, IT'S TIME TO ACT.

(sighs)

(imitating Mel Gibson)

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HEAR, HUH?

"DO YOU WANT TO HEAR

THAT SOMETIMES

"I FEEL LIKE EATING

A BULLET, HUH?

'CAUSE I DO."

THAT'S FROM "LETHAL WEAPON."

IT'S PART OF HIS PROCESS.

OH.

(exhales deeply)

♪♪♪

YOU'RE FEELIN' IT, CANDICE.

YOUR SPINE LOOKS SO STRAIGHT.

♪♪♪

(music stops)

(amplified voice)

UH, I-I HOPE YOU'RE ALL ENJOYING

WHAT IS OBVIOUSLY A WEDDING.

UH, CRISSY AND ROBERT,

YOU WON'T ALWAYS BE HEALTHY.

IT ALL STARTED

WHEN MY AUNT BONNIE, WELL,

SHE SAID SHE COULD NO LONGER

HOLD ONTO A CUP OF TEA,

AND WE THOUGHT NOTHING

OF IT AT THE TIME.

YOU MONSTER! YEAH, I'M TALKING

TO YOU, HOME PERM!

I GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU.

HOW DARE YOU MAKE OUT

WITH MY JUNE

AND THEN CALL HER

"BORING," HUH?

SHE IS THE SEXIEST,

MOST UN-BORING WOMAN

I HAVE EVER

HAD THE PLEASURE OF BEDDING.

(guests murmuring)

(gasps)

(women) OHH.

(man wolf-whistles)

OHH!

YOU BITCH!

(guests) OHH!

SINCE YOU MOVED HERE

FROM INDIANA,

MEN HAVE JUST FALLEN

AT YOUR FEET,

BUT NOT THIS TIME.

NOT MY JAMES!

THAT'S RIGHT.

(guests murmuring)

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE FOR ME

ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS."

(cheering)

(raised voice)

LISTEN, I CAN'T HELP IT

IF JAMES AND THIS CITY

FIND ME IRRESISTIBLE.

THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES, JUNE!

(guests gasp)

(voice breaks) WHAT ABOUT HIM?

WHAT ABOUT BABY DeSHAWN?

(lowered voice)

NO, THAT'S CRISSY'S NEPHEW,

AND HIS NECK IS NOT

YET FORMED.

OH. THIS PARTY'S BEAT.

LET'S BOUNCE.

(guests murmuring)

(amplified voice)

MY AUNT BONNIE BOUNCED

BETWEEN DOCTORS,

NUTRITIONISTS, HEALERS,

AND NONE OF 'EM COULD

DIAGNOSE--

(panting)

(microphone feedback whines)

(amplified voice)

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, STEVEN.

♪ I WANT YOU TO KNOW ♪

♪ THAT I'M HAPPY FOR YOU ♪

NOPE. NOPE.

♪ I... ♪

(feedback whines)

NO.

FIND ANOTHER WAY

TO EXPRESS THAT.

(door closes)

(horn honks)

SO SORBO, HUH? (sighs)

(TV playing indistinctly)

DID YOU GUYS DO ZOMBIE ARMS?

I'M GONNA SAY NO,

BUT WE BOTH KNOW IT'S A LIE.

(clicks)

OH, MY GOSH!

JAMES, THERE YOU ARE.

(gasps)

"BIT O' BOVVA."

OH, YEAH.

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, THAT'S THAT GUY RITCHIE

MOVIE HE'S IN.

YEAH.

(Cockney accent) TELL ROSIE,

THAT FILTHY SCRUBBA,

HER FISH-AND-CHIPS WERE

THE BEST. (chuckles)

I'M MURDERED. (coughs)

WHAT A BIT O' BOVVA.

♪♪♪

I AD-LIBBED THAT LINE,

AND THEY MADE IT

THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE.

(Chloe and June) OH.

YEAH.

Captioned by

Closed Captioning Services, Inc.