Original subtitles

(June) WHY DO PEOPLE SAY THAT

NEW YORK IS SUCH A TOUGH TOWN?

I'VE LIVED HERE

A WHILE NOW

AND I FEEL LIKE

I'VE GOT IT LICKED.

I MASTERED THE SUBWAY,

HOW TO JAYWALK

WITHOUT BEING HIT,

AND I'VE LEARNED A CUTE

NEW WORD FOR JEWISH PEOPLE.

HELLO, HEBRAHAM!

THE THING THAT REALLY MAKES

THE CITY FEEL LIKE HOME

IS HAVING A FRIEND,

SOMEONE TO TALK TO

AND HANG OUT WITH.

AND FOR ME,

THAT'S MY ROOMMATE CHLOE.

ONE DAY SOON, WE'LL EVEN

BE IN A PICTURE TOGETHER.

HMM.

HEY, ELI. DO YOU

STAND THERE EVERY MORNING,

WAITING FOR ME

TO OPEN THE BLINDS?

(opens refrigerator)

DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF, JUNE.

AND YES, I DO.

LOOK AT THAT!

ONE TIME I MENTION TO CHLOE

THAT BLUEBERRY IS

MY FAVORITE KIND OF YOGURT,

AND WHAT DOES SHE DO?

SHE GOES AND STOCKS

THE ENTIRE FRIDGE WITH THEM.

WELL, IT'S IMPORTANT

TO HAVE FRIENDS IN NEW YORK.

THIS CITY CAN BE HARD...

LIKE A LOTTA THINGS.

I FEEL BAD.

I'VE BEEN SO BUSY

WORKING AT THE COFFEE SHOP

AND TRYING TO GET

ANOTHER WALL STREET JOB

THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO HAVE

A GIRLS' DAY OUT WITH CHLOE...

UNTIL NOW!

THAT SOUNDS FUN.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT FUN?

COMPLACENCY IN THE FACE

OF CORPORATE GREED.

TODAY IS MY FIRST DAY OFF,

SO I THINK I'M GONNA ASK HER

TO HANG OUT.

MAYBE WE'LL GO HAVE A PICNIC

IN CENTRAL PARK OR--

(groans)

STOP TALKING!

OH, HEY! SOMEBODY'S UP.

WOULD YOU LIKE

TO HANG OUT TODAY?

I FEEL LIKE A PIG CRAPPED

INSIDE MY HEAD.

I FEEL LIKE A PIG ATE

INDIAN FOOD AND SQUATTED DOWN...

OH.

THERE'S A MAN UNDERNEATH YOU.

HELLO.

DON'T WAKE HIM.

I TOOK ALL OF HIS LIFE FORCE

LAST NIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

I WANNA SEE YOUR NEW YORK CITY.

SHOW ME WHAT YOU LOVE

ABOUT THIS PLACE.

WELL...

GUESS THERE IS ONE THING

WE COULD DO,

BUT IT MIGHT BE

A LITTLE TOURISTY.

(man, amplified voice)

AND TO YOUR LEFT,

YOU'LL SEE THE SITE OF

THE FAMOUS NOODLE FIRE OF 1927,

(laughing)

THEY SAY ON A WINDY NIGHT,

YOU CAN STILL SMELL THE LO MEIN

AND BURNING HAIR.

GOD, I LOVE NEW YORK!

(woman) ♪ I'M NOT PERFECT,

AND I'M NO SNITCH ♪

♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪

(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪

(buzzer)

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪

AND THAT'S ALL THEY FOUND--

THE YOUNG NURSE'S

SAWED-OFF PELVIS

IN A FedEx ENVELOPE

IN THAT MAILBOX RIGHT THERE.

(murmuring)

"WHEN YOU ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY

HAVE TO BE DEAD OVERNIGHT," HUH?

(laughter)

MITCHELL, YOU ARE TOO MUCH!

(laughs nervously) NEW YORK!

HERE, WE LAUGH AT DEATH!

(chuckles)

DON'T LAUGH TOO HARD,

LITTLE GIRL.

ANOTHER YOUNG WOMAN

WAS FOUND MURDERED

IN THE PARK THIS MORNING.

THAT MAKES SIX THIS SUMMER.

YOU WANNA CALL HER PARENTS

AND TELL THEM HOW FUNNY

YOU THINK THAT IS?

WE--WE WERE JUST...

WE ALL WERE JUST LAUGHING--

OKAY, WHO'S UP FOR SNACKS

AND A PEE?

(man) OKAY.

I'VE GOT CLIF BARS

AND TUNA FISH SANDWICHES.

WARNING--THE ICE HAS MADE

THE BREAD MOIST.

I ACTUALLY BROUGHT MY SNACK

FROM HOME.

BLUEBERRY YOGURT.

MY FAVORITE.

GREAT.

IT'S TIME FOR MY SNACK, TOO.

I SHOULD PROBABLY DO IT

IN THE BATHROOM, THOUGH.

THERE'S A LOT OF COPS AROUND.

WELCOME, MURDER FANS!

(cash register beeps)

YOU MUST BE HERE FOR

OUR KILLER ZUCCHINI MUFFINS.

(chuckles) IT'S A JOKE.

SO THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING

ON YOUR DAY OFF? A CRIME TOUR?

IT'S WHAT CHLOE WANTED

TO DO.

HOW GREAT. SO THE ROOMMATE

WHO SLEPT WITH YOUR FIANCE

IS ALSO FASCINATED

WITH MURDER?

PERFECT!

THERE'S A PROBLEM

IN THE BATHROOM.

SOMEONE TRIED TO FLUSH

SOME KIND OF PLASTIC BAGGIE

DOWN YOUR TOILET.

OHH!

SO TODAY WAS, UH...

IT WAS INTERESTING.

RIGHT?!

(chuckles)

BEFORE I TOOK THAT TOUR,

I DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF THAT STUFF.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT!

WELL, YOU KNOW ANOTHER FUN THING

FOR GIRLFRIENDS TO DO TOGETHER

IS TO HAVE

A HOME-COOKED MEAL.

WEDNESDAY NIGHT, I'LL MAKE

MY FAMOUS CHICKEN WILLIAMS...

(beep)

YEAH, WEDNESDAY WORKS.

IT'S A PLAN.

OKAY.

(beep)

TOILETS ARE FOR PEES AND TURDS,

YOU GUYS!

(sighs) WHY DO I HAVE TO

SAY THIS EVERY DAY?

(woman) ♪ I HEAR

MY FAVORITE SONG ♪

♪♪♪

(indistinct conversations)

MARK-PAUL GOSSELAAR IS BUILDING

A SCHOOL IN EL SALVADOR.

WHAT AN ASS CRACK.

HMM! ESCUELA DE GOSSELAAR.

HE LOOKS GOOD,

ALL WEARING A TANK TOP.

YEAH, SWING THAT HAMMER,

BUILD THAT SCHOOL,

CARRY THAT NIÑO.

I'M TELLING YOU,

THE BEST WAY TO GET PUBLICITY

IS TO DO SOMETHING SELFLESS.

UH-HUH. HOW DO YOU SAY

"SAFE WORD" IN SPANISH?

PALABRA SEGURA.

SO I CALLED MY AGENT,

AND APPARENTLY THERE'S

THIS MENTORSHIP PROGRAM

FOR UNDERPRIVILEGED KIDS,

AND A LITTLE GIRL

ACTUALLY REQUESTED ME.

I'M GONNA BE

A CELEBRITY MENTOR.

GOOD FOR YOU.

I'M GONNA GO MENTOR

THOSE CUTE BUSBOYS OVER THERE,

TURN THEM INTO BUSMEN.

SEE YOU LATER.

HOLA, GUAPO!

(Lisa Loeb) ♪ YOU SAY ♪

(click)

TWO CANDLES

FOR TWO FRIENDS.

♪ DING-DING-DING,

DA-DING-DING, DA-DING-DING ♪

♪ DING-DING-DING-- ♪

AAH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

NO ONE'S HOME AT THIS TIME!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

AND WHY DO YOU HAVE

KEYS TO OUR APARTMENT?

S-SO THAT I COULD DROP OFF

CHLOE'S MAIL...

THAT I GOT BY MISTAKE.

(thud)

SOME OF THE ENVELOPES

ARE ALREADY OPENED.

NOT ALL OF THEM,

JUST THE ONES THAT LOOKED

PERSONAL AND ALL OF THEM.

♪ DON'T BELONG ♪

♪ AND NOW THAT I AM LEAVING ♪

HMM.

♪ NOW I KNOW

THAT I DID SOMETHING WRONG ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I MISSED YOU ♪

(sighs)

(snoring)

(woman) ♪ GIVE IT A REST ♪

(giggling)

OH, HEY!

HUH?

MEET THESE GUYS.

I DON'T KNOW THEIR NAMES,

BUT THEY SEEM TO ANSWER

TO "MENUDO."

WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND?

SHE NEVER SHOWED.

THAT'S SO MEAN.

YEAH, IT IS.

MMM.

(mouths words)

I TOLD YOU I WAS MAKING

YOU DINNER WEDNESDAY NIGHT.

WHAT? NO, YOU SAID

YOU WERE GONNA MAKE

DINNER FOR YOUR FRIEND.

(beep)

I EVEN PUT IT IN MY PHONE

TO MAKE SURE I WASN'T GONNA

BE AROUND.

CAN WE HAVE SOME MORE BREAD?

YOU ARE THE FRIEND

I WAS TALKING ABOUT!

(dishes rattle)

OH.

OKAY. I THINK THERE'S BEEN

A MISUNDERSTANDING. SORRY.

LET ME MAKE IT CLEAR NOW--

WE'RE ROOMMATES.

WE'RE NOT FRIENDS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WE--WE--WE'VE BEEN HANGING OUT.

YOU TOOK ME

ON YOUR MURDER TOUR.

YEAH, I TRICKED YOU

INTO BUYING MY TICKET.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BUY IT AND I

WANTED YOU TO BUY IT. WE COOL?

SORRY. CAN YOU BOX THIS UP

FOR ME?

CUTE, HUH?

(door closes)

I JUST FELT LIKE CHLOE AND I

HAD REALLY BONDED, YOU KNOW?

WE'VE BEEN THROUGH

SO MUCH ALREADY AND--

Sweetie, if she doesn't want

to be your friend,

that's her loss.

Like when my friend Agnes

told me

she no longer wanted me

to be in her book club.

Three months later,

she was dead.

Oh, and, June-bug,

speaking of dead,

we heard about those girls

getting murdered in the park.

We're gonna send you

a rape whistle. Huh?

(blows whistle)

Just make sure you don't get

raped next to a marching band.

(both laugh)

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I LOVE YOU.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER. BYE.

I love you!

Be safe.

IT'S TOO BAD

ABOUT YOU AND CHLOE.

I WAS WRITING AN EROTIC NOVEL

ABOUT YOUR FRIENDSHIP.

CAN I HELP YOU?

I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

FIND SOME GIRLS YOU HAVE

SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH,

AN ACTIVITY

YOU CAN BOND OVER.

WELL... I HAVE BEEN MEANING

TO FIND A PILATES CLASS

SINCE I MOVED HERE.

(buzzer sounds)

OOH! GOTTA GO.

I'M PLAYING HOOPS WITH MY BOYS.

YOU HAVE FRIENDS?

OF COURSE.

WHO DOESN'T HAVE FRIENDS?

I'M NOT A FREAK.

AHH.

THESE ARE JUST

MY KNOCK-AROUND HEELS.

(school bell rings)

KIM?

HI. JAMES VAN DER BEEK,

THE CELEBRITY MENTOR

YOU REQUESTED.

JAMES VAN DER BEEK?

I ASKED FOR MARIO VAN PEEBLES.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

DANG!

SURE YOU DO.

BUT I'M NOT HERE AS AN ACTOR.

I'M HERE TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE,

PURELY FOR SELFLESS REASONS.

(cell phone camera shutter

clicks)

ALL RIGHT, LET ME JUST TEXT THAT

TO MY PUBLICIST,

AND THEN WE'LL GO GET

SOME GELATO.

OKAY, BUT WE GOTTA WAIT A WHILE

BEFORE WE GET ON THE SUBWAY.

THE GIRLS WHO BULLY ME

ARE THERE NOW.

YOU'RE GETTING BULLIED?

THAT'S TERRIFIC.

BULLYING'S HOT RIGHT NOW.

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT

A THING.

I'M HERE TO MAKE

ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.

BUT I WANTED

MY MARIO VAN PEEBLES DREAM

TO COME TRUE.

WELL, THAT ONE'S DEAD.

COME ON.

YOU KNOW, I DID

A BULLYING P.S.A. BACK IN '99.

WORST MAKEUP PERSON

I EVER WORKED WITH.

JUST UNTALENTED. IT WAS

A NIGHTMARE. I HAD TO FIRE HER.

(chime sounds)

(woman over P.A.)

ALL LARGE BAGS AND BACKPACKS...

(speaks indistinctly)

HEY, RELAX.

I GOT YOUR BACK.

(girl) HEY!

(backpack thuds)

(chime sounds)

WHOA. THIS IS REAL.

WHY YOU SO SHORT?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?

WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND AT?

HE AIN'T HERE, BOO-BOO.

HEY, CALL ME!

COME ON, BARNEYS.

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

(click)

(women laughing)

OH! CHLOE, HI.

THESE ARE MY NEW FRIENDS.

(door closes)

THIS IS ASHLEY, CARMEN,

AND STEPHANIE.

WE'VE BEEN HANGING OUT

AT PILATES ALL WEEK.

YEAH, PEOPLE CALL US

THE HOTTIES 4 PILATES.

(laughter)

WE THOUGHT OF IT. I DID.

WAIT. I'M SORRY.

JUNE, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

I TOLD YOU. THEY'RE MY FRIENDS.

WE ACTUALLY HAVE

A LOT IN COMMON.

(Stephanie, Carmen, and Ashley)

MM-HMM.

I MEAN, ASHLEY WORKS

ON WALL STREET.

WHEN I TOLD CARMEN THAT I LIKED

FLAN, SHE NODDED IN AGREEMENT.

AND STEPHANIE AND I BOTH LOOK

EXACTLY THE SAME WAIST-DOWN

IN OUR PILATES TIGHTS.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY THE SAME.

I HAVE THIS COOL

KOKOPELLI TATTOO.

HE'S THE FLUTE-PLAYING

GOD OF LIFE.

I JUST LOVE KNOWING THAT HE'S

ALWAYS DOWN THERE, JAMMIN'.

(laughs)

I GOT HIM AT SURF CAMP

AFTER I BROKE UP

WITH MY BOYFRIEND FRANK.

I ONLY NEEDED THREE IBUPROFEN.

R-O-K. ROCK STAR!

(laughter)

OH! I JUST REALIZED.

I HATE YOU.

(scoffs)

(whispers) YOU CAN'T BE RUDE

TO MY FRIENDS!

OH, COME ON, JUNE.

THESE GIRLS ARE A JOKE.

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

OKAY,

MAYBE THEY'RE NOT PERFECT,

BUT YOU DON'T WANT

TO BE MY FRIEND,

AND THEY WANNA BE MY FRIENDS,

AND I WANNA DRINK CAPPUCCINOS

ON THE SIDEWALK.

WHY DO YOU WANNA BE

THEIR FRIEND?

THEY'RE CATTY, OBNOXIOUS,

AND IRRITATING,

LIKE ALL GIRLS.

"ALL GIRLS"? WHAT DO YOU--

WHAT DO YOU EVEN MEAN?

I MEAN, THOSE GIRLS

ARE EXACTLY

THE REASON WHY

I DON'T HANG OUT WITH GIRLS.

THEY'RE COMPETITIVE,

THEY BACKSTAB,

AND THEY POST GROUP PICTURES

OF THEMSELVES ON FACEBOOK

SO THEY CAN SHOW THE WORLD

WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE IN A BIKINI.

THAT WAS A TANKINI, AND I WAS

TAGGED IN THAT PHOTO.

(bottle cap clatters)

LOOK, I JUST PREFER

TO HANG OUT WITH DUDES.

THEY SAY WHAT THEY MEAN,

THEY LIKE TO HAVE FUN,

AND IN A PINCH,

THEY HAVE A PENIS.

(door opens)

STUPID SHIRTS.

AWESOME SHIRT.

THAT'S HOW YOU SHOULD DRESS,

LADIES.

PAY ATTENTION.

(Schubert's "Valses

sentimentales, Op. 50" playing)

(sighs)

(door opens)

(sighs) THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT

THIS HELLISH GIRL EXPERIENCE

I JUST HAD.

YEAH,

I'M HAVING A PROBLEM, TOO.

IT'S KIM,

MY PUBLICITY PROJECT.

I FEEL AWFUL. I ABANDONED HER

IN A MOMENT OF CRISIS.

UGH! NOT YOU, TOO!

STICK A TAMPON IN IT

AND CALL YOUR MOM.

THESE NEW FRIENDS OF JUNE'S

ARE SO HORRIBLE.

SHE'S REALLY SCRAPING

THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL.

WELL, NOBODY LIKES

TO BE ALONE.

I'D RATHER BE ALONE THAN BE

WITH THAT GIRL STEPHANIE.

SHE'S THE WORST.

SHE THINKS SHE'S THE QUEEN BEE.

YOU KNOW, ONE OF THOSE GIRLS

WHO ONLY TALKS ABOUT HERSELF

AND GOES AROUND WITH AN ARMY

OF LITTLE PINK GROUPIES.

"QUEEN BEE"?

SO THERE'S A POWER DYNAMIC, HUH?

YEAH, AND IT'S DISGUSTING.

IT'S SOMETHING YOU WOULD

NEVER HAVE WITH A GUY FRIEND.

I'M LEAVING

AND I'M TAKING THIS.

AND THIS.

(siren wailing, horn honks)

♪♪♪

HEY, BILLY.

I'LL HAVE THE USUAL.

ACTUALLY, CHLOE,

YOUR FRIENDS ALREADY ORDERED

A DRINK FOR YOU.

GIRL GRENADE!

AAH!

(Stephanie laughs)

HI!

(chuckles) SO I'VE BEEN THINKING

ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID

ABOUT NOT HAVING

ANY FEMALE FRIENDS,

AND I REALIZED IT'S JUST BECAUSE

YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN THEM A CHANCE.

FORGET IT, JUNE.

COME ON.

YOU CAN'T HATE SOMETHING IF YOU

HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED IT BEFORE.

PLEASE?

(sighs deeply)

OH! OOH!

(giggling)

OKAY, THE FIRST RULE

OF GIRLFRIENDS--

HMM?

YOU DO NOT TALK

ABOUT GIRLFRIENDS.

(laughs) MOVIE REFERENCE!

OH, THAT'S FROM "LA BAMBA"!

WHAT? NO, CARMEN. NOT

EVERYTHING'S FROM "LA BAMBA"!

♪♪♪

MY DOCTOR SAYS I CAN'T LOSE

ANY MORE WEIGHT.

I'M IN THE RED ZONE.

I EAT AND I EAT...

NOTHING. I'M CURSED.

(slurps drink)

I MEAN, CARMEN, YOU'RE SO LUCKY

YOU DON'T HAVE THIS.

(slurps) WHAT THE HELL?

I'VE HAD, LIKE, EIGHT OF THESE

AND I DON'T EVEN FEEL BUZZED.

OH, THAT'S BECAUSE

THERE'S NO ALCOHOL IN THERE.

WE DON'T WANNA GET

DRINKY WRINKLES.

SO I'M JUST DRINKING JUICE,

LIKE A KID?

MM-HMM.

(glasses shatter)

WHAT IS HAPPENING AT THIS TABLE

IS RIDICULOUS.

STEPHANIE,

STOP ABBREVIATING WORDS.

YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB.

YOU HAVE THE TIME.

ASHLEY, YOU'RE JUST

TELLING STEPHANIE

SHE DID THE RIGHT THING

BY KICKING FRANK TO THE CURB

BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY

WANNA SLEEP WITH HIM.

AND, CARMEN,

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,

CAN YOU STOP QUOTING "LA BAMBA"

FOR ONE SECOND?

"EVERYTHING'S RITCHIE, RITCHIE!

WHAT ABOUT BOB?!"

(laughs)

YOU'VE GOT US PEGGED,

DON'T YOU?

YOU THINK THAT BY ACTING TOUGH

AND REJECTING US

BEFORE WE REJECT YOU

THAT YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF.

YOU'RE JUST SCARED THAT

SOMEONE'S GONNA SEE THE REAL YOU

AND FIND OUT THAT

YOU'RE NOT AS INTERESTING

AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.

WELL YOU'RE NOT AS SKINNY

AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE DANCING

IN A GLASS BOOTH SOMEWHERE?

NO. YOUR MOM TOOK MY SHIFT.

MY MOM PASSED AWAY

TWO YEARS AGO.

WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE

DONALD SUTHERLAND.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

THERE'S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE BITCH

IN APARTMENT 23.

DID YOU GUYS TRY THESE NACHOS?

THEY ARE YUMMO!

(mouth full) I LOVE 'EM.

THEY'RE GREAT. (crunching)

OKAY, I'M OUT OF HERE.

JUNE, I'LL PICK YOU UP TOMORROW

FOR PILATES.

WE CAN DISCUSS FINDING YOU

ANOTHER ROOMMATE

WHO ISN'T A TOTAL PSYCHO.

SO WHO HAS THOUGHTS

ON ANNE HATHAWAY?

HEY, STEPHANIE FORGOT

HER JACKET.

OH. I'LL GIVE IT TO HER.

WE HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS.

HEY, STEPHANIE, IT'S JUNE AGAIN.

PILATES STARTED

OVER AN HOUR AGO.

WHERE ARE YOU?

GIVE ME A CALL. BYE.

(beep)

I DON'T THINK SHE'S COMING.

(turns on TV)

...ANOTHER GIRL WAS FOUND

MURDERED IN THE PARK.

THE UNIDENTIFIED VICTIM

WAS FOUND

CLUTCHING A PILATES MAT

AND HAS A TATTOO ON HER ANKLE

OF KOKOPELLI.

OH, MY GOD.

(man) UH, IT'S VERY DISTURBING.

IT'S STEPHANIE!

UM, THE LADIES APPEAR TO BE

ALL AGES AND ALL RANGES...

OHH.

...OF WEIGHT, COLOR,

AND CREED...

ROUGH NIGHT.

A LOT OF BAD CHOICES.

...THIS MAY NOT END.

THIS MAY BE JUST THE BEGINNING.

(door closes)

UH, WE'VE JUST WITNESSED--

(changes channel)

WOW. IT'S ON EVERY CHANNEL.

SHOCKING. I HAVEN'T PAID

FOR CABLE IN THREE YEARS.

HOW ARE WE STILL GETTING TV?

SO, UM...

WHY ARE YOU WEARING

STEPHANIE'S JACKET?

OH, I TRIED TO GIVE IT BACK

TO HER BUT I COULDN'T FIND HER.

WE HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS.

LATER, STUPID!

GO!

SO...

(TV playing indistinctly)

WHAT DID YOU DO

FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT?

NOTHING. I JUST WENT TO JAMES'

TO WATCH TV.

WHY?

WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?

NOTHING...

UNLESS THERE IS SOMETHING

THAT YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEED

TO TELL ME.

KISS!

NO. I'M MAD AT HER.

W--

I CAN'T BELIEVE JUNE THINKS

I KILLED HER DUMB FRIEND!

(James) That's crazy.

SO DID YOU?

WHAT? NO! I WAS WITH YOU.

(snoring)

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S THE PERFECT LOOK FOR KIM.

(turns off TV)

IS THIS COUCH A POD?

BECAUSE WE, SIR,

ARE TWO PEAS IN IT.

JUNE BEING SUSPICIOUS OF ME

IS EXACTLY THE KIND

OF FEMALE B.S. I CAN'T STAND.

Ugly accusations, drama,

MIND GAMES.

I had no idea

FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS

WERE SO COMPLICATED.

I THOUGHT THERE WERE

TWO TYPES OF GIRLS--

THE PRETTY ONES

AND THE INVISIBLE ONES.

WELL, THERE'S REALLY

ONLY ONE THING TO DO--

REALLY GO OUT OF MY WAY TO MESS

WITH HER HEAD. YOU WANNA HELP?

AH, I CAN'T.

I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID

ABOUT

THE WHOLE POWER DYNAMIC THING.

I'M GIVING KIM A MAKEOVER

SO SHE'LL BE QUEEN BEE

AND WON'T GET PICKED ON.

I DECIDED PUBLICITY OR NO,

I'M NEVER ABANDONING

THAT LITTLE BIG GIRL AGAIN.

(belches)

SORRY. SODA.

LUTHER'S IN WITH HER NOW.

HE'S FAMILIAR

WITH A GENEROUS FEMALE FORM

FROM HIS STINT AS WARDROBE

MASTER ON "DESIGNING WOMEN."

I BROUGHT MY MOTHER TO

THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS.

(singsongy)

KEEP 'EM GUESSING.

Why is he talking?

DRAMATIC REVEAL.

(Kim) THESE PANTYHOSE ITCH.

DANG!

OH, MY GOTTA GO.

KIM, YOU LOOK AMAZING.

NO ONE'S GONNA BOTHER YOU AGAIN,

MY LITTLE MOCHA BUTTERFLY.

HEY, MOM, GIVE ME A CALL.

I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT

GERANIUMS AND...

(whispers) MURDER.

WHO YOU TALKING TO?

UH--

SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO THINK!

I'M GONNA GO BURN

THESE CLOTHES--

ONLY BECAUSE THEY DON'T

FIT ME ANYMORE.

THAT'S THE ONLY REASON.

HEY. I NEED YOU TO TAKE MY PHOTO

FOR A NEW PASSPORT.

CAN ANYONE GO TO ARGENTINA,

OR DO YOU HAVE TO BE A NAZI?

NEVER MIND. JUST TAKE THE PHOTO.

IT'S THE BIG BUTTON.

(sobbing)

SHE DIDN'T SEEM HAPPY!

SO I DID HER A FAVOR!

(continues sobbing)

HEY, COME ON. THERE'S NO SUCH

THING AS A SHY DESIGNING WOMAN.

PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT ME.

BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE

A FULL-FIGURED EMMY NOMINEE.

YOU THINK?

NO ONE'S EVER BELIEVED

IN ME BEFORE. THANKS!

(girls laughing)

(laughter continues)

WHAT THE HELL YOU WEARING?

WHY YOU LOOK 40?

THIS WHOLE THING WAS HIS IDEA!

(girls laugh)

I KNEW THIS WOULDN'T WORK,

FOOL!

KIM, WHERE IS THIS ANGER

COMING FROM?

IS THIS BECAUSE

I DIDN'T BUY YOU A GELATO?

OOH, YES! GET HIM!

WAIT A MINUTE.

I THINK IT'S WORKING.

NOT THE WAY

I PLANNED IT, BUT I...

I THINK

THEY'RE ACCEPTING YOU.

OH! 'CAUSE NOW YOU'RE

THE WEAKEST ONE!

I AM! (whispers)

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!

YOU KNOW I HAVE TO

KICK YOUR ASS NOW.

BRING IT, GIRL.

(punch)

UHH!

OOH! OH, HE LOOK STUPID.

(laughs)

REAL DUMB.

HEY.

THIS WHOLE STEPHANIE THING

HAS REALLY AFFECTED ME.

I THINK I'M GONNA GO DOWN

TO THE CRIME SCENE.

YOU KNOW,

SAY ONE LAST GOOD-BYE.

OOPS.

OW!

YOU HAD A FLYAWAY.

OH, MY GOD. THERE'S A COP.

(gasps) HE PROBABLY FOUND

MY DUFFEL BAG.

WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP

TROPHIES?!

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID

TO STEPHANIE, OKAY?

AND I'M GONNA TRY

TO HELP YOU.

WHAT?

THIS ALL MAKES SENSE.

THERE WERE SO MANY SIGNS.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

YOU HAVE A MORBID CURIOSITY.

THE WHOLE CRIME TOUR THING...

I DON'T AGREE WITH WHAT YOU DID,

BUT I WANT TO TRY TO HELP YOU.

HERE.

(bills rustle)

TAKE ALL THE MONEY.

OKAY, I'M GONNA CREATE

A DIVERSION OUT HERE,

AND YOU'RE GONNA RUN

OUT THE BACK.

HUH?

HERE'S MY AUNT DORIS' ADDRESS

IN MIAMI.

SHE HAS A GUEST HOUSE

AND ALZHEIMER'S...

(tears paper)

SO THERE WON'T BE

ANY QUESTIONS.

(whispers) HERE. (sighs)

YOU'D DO THAT FOR ME?

OF COURSE.

NOW GET OUT OF HERE!

WOW.

YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND.

AHA!

I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU THOUGHT

THAT WE WERE FRIENDS.

WHAT?! WAIT A MINUTE.

SO YOU'RE JUST MESSING WITH ME?

YEP.

SO YOU KNEW I DIDN'T KILL

STEPHANIE THE WHOLE TIME?

YEP. WE PLAYED A GAME

OF MURDER CHICKEN, AND I WON.

WHEN DID YOU FIND OUT?

I'M GONNA GO BURN

THESE CLOTHES...

ONLY BECAUSE THEY DON'T

FIT ME ANYMORE.

THAT'S THE ONLY REASON.

(cell phone rings)

(gasps)

(beep)

HELLO?

(squeals and laughs)

FRANK POPPED THE QUESTION.

OH, MY GOD!

STEPHANIE! (laughs)

He came crawling back,

FLEW ME TO TURKS AND CAICOS,

AND PROPOSED!

THAT'S AMAZING! I...

(chuckles)

I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!

(chuckles) THAT'S WEIRD.

ANYWAY,

OUR FRIENDSHIP IS OVER.

WHAT?

Come on, June.

YOU KNOW THAT GIRLFRIENDS

ARE JUST PLACEHOLDERS

BETWEEN BOYFRIENDS.

(gasps) ANYWAY, GOTTA GO.

MY CHI-CHI'S HERE.

BYE!

(beep)

OH. SO SHE'S NOT DEAD?

BUMMER.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, MAYBE YOU WERE

RIGHT ABOUT STEPHANIE.

THERE ARE SOME BAD APPLES,

BUT THERE ARE ALSO SOME GOOD

APPLES, TOO.

YEAH, I GUESS SO, LIKE YOU.

GOTTA ADMIT, MURDER CHICKEN'S

PRETTY AWESOME.

(laughs)

I DIDN'T KNOW GIRLFRIENDS COULD

MESS WITH EACH OTHER.

WELL, YEAH.

I MEAN... YOU KNOW,

BUT THEY ALSO--

THEY SHARE CLOTHES

AND GET MANICURE-PEDICURES

AND...

AH!

YOU'RE MESSING WITH ME AGAIN!

(laughs) TOTALLY!

I DON'T LIKE THAT STUFF.

BESIDES, I KNEW THAT

YOU WERE MY FRIEND

WHEN I SAW THAT YOU WERE GETTING

ME MY BLUEBERRY YOGURT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'VE

NEVER PAID FOR FOOD IN MY LIFE.

WHAT? THEN WHO'S BEEN DOING

OUR SHOPPING?

MMM.

EAT, CHLOE.

YOU'RE SO SKINNY.

EAT, MY BIRD-BONED FRIEND!

LOOKS LIKE RAIN.

YEAH, IT'S SUPPOSED TO RAIN.

(mouth full) YEAH.

(both laugh)

ROBIN!

ROBIN!

AH. WE SOLVED THAT MYSTERY.

THAT WAS SUPER SATISFYING.

MM-HMM.

GIRL'S STILL DEAD IN THE PARK,

THOUGH.

YEAH. SAD.

♪ BA-DA-DA-BA-BA ♪

♪ BA-DOO-BA-DOO-BA-DA-DA ♪

(door closes)

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR?

WE GOT, UH, TIRAMISU,

CAFE AU LAIT, DULCE DE LECHE.

WHY ARE THEY ALL BROWN?

I JUST WANT PLAIN VANILLA.

UH, OKAY, VANILLA'S RIGHT THERE.

IT'S CALLED, UH, VANIGLIA.

THERE'S BUGS IN THE VANILLA!

NO, NO, THOSE AREN'T--THOSE

AREN'T BUGS. THOSE ARE BEANS.

BEANS GIVE ME THE TOOTS!

NO, NOT THOSE KINDS OF BEANS.

THEY'RE--THEY'RE--THEY'RE...

(cell phone rings)

YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST GIVE HER THE, UH,

THE STRAWBERRY BASIL.

(ring)

WHAT?!

(beep)

IT'S MY AGENT. DONNIE.

HEY. YEAH.

(sighs deeply)

LISTEN,

I'M WITH MY MENTEE KIM.

I REALIZED, IT'S NOT ABOUT

PUBLICITY, MAN.

IT'S ABOUT MAKING A DIFFERENCE

ONE PERSON AT A...

MY AGENT JUST GOT ME

A JAPANESE SEAWEED COMMERCIAL.

TAKE IT.

BUT WHAT ABOUT

THE PLANS WE MADE?

TAKE IT, FOOL!

DONNIE, I'M IN.

THAT'LL BE $16.

WHAT?!

THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.