Original subtitles

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yeah

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then we've got to discuss the steel

Fantana thing I can't work with you Jean

I don't like his writing he writes books

for the chronically self-involved no no

don't be a snob when he's helped an

awful lot of people oh he doesn't help

them that's just an excuse he touches

him all over space if that guy's the

next best thing to a sex pervert oh he

is not feeling 10 is a legitimate

psychologist and besides he's the best

selling sex pervert say you agree with

me all that touch me feeling hug me hold

me business it's not normal to touch em

you just have to work with them why

don't you think of it as a few weeks in

the sunshine it's two weeks I can't

leave Nicky alone that long can't you

find a babysitter hey Nicky is 22 years

old

exactly get on the phone line cook

yourself a first-class ticket but gene I

hate Los Angeles I mean a sedan out

there my clothes look funny hello

everybody here from New York I don't

have to tell them I know look I can't

help it that Theo finds Hannah lives on

the west coast I can't help it he's

heard that you're the most brilliant

editor an english-speaking world and

that he wouldn't dream of working with

anyone else who said that you did well

all right let's face it the man is not

entirely without insight so you think he

plans to get touchy feeling needy well

of course not we're professionals I

don't know maybe you shouldn't

underestimate yourself oh how can you

eat that junk food when you see what I'm

making for the banquet it's terrific

okay but I'm gonna be in California

maybe you can get Grampa to come that's

okay who comes the one in January when

we graduate you're finished easy

anywhere e boy that went by fast yeah

just think pretty soon you're going to

tell all your friends that your son

graduated Phi Beta Kappa from cooking

school tell me mom from the heart do you

ever wish she had two regular normal

sons Dave is normal I mean he's going to

medical school and he has a girlfriend

I mean me wouldn't you prefer it if you

had a lawyer a stockbroker instead I

have a lawyer in the stockbroker

they just don't happen to be my sons you

won't hurt my feelings mom really I mean

sometimes late at night Dutch wish I was

a little more legitimate

oh you're legitimate I can botch the bed

besides being a chef is a perfectly

normal profession it's just not

conventional that's all no I know that

it's just that sometimes I think I chose

the wrong role model what do you mean

some of the happiest times I can

remember we're in the kitchen and I

guess I went to cooking school because

in some way I want to remember those

moments for the rest of my life do you

know how flattered I am that you chose

me as a role model Nick hi oh hi

okay so unicity these days all right oh

yeah yeah I'm in school well that's me

well it was great talking to you yeah

you too

bye-bye who are those nobody

I don't get it honey I really don't I

mean there's no reason why you should

spend so much time by yourself it's not

good for someone your age weight about

so - your age you're not talking about

me if you want to know the truth I'm

still mourning for six months ago you've

gotta get out the tastes like enough

cooking endures there are a lot of

wonderful things I wish you'd call the

women there are female people who would

be fun to know you know and they're just

out there waiting for you

you make it sound so credit or Nicki you

know your problem you're too pinky I

mean where is the rule that says that

you have to marry everyone need to go

out with you don't have to be so serious

so intense about every relationship but

I won't be serious why you're 22 you're

in your prime yeah you're unattached I

mean why can't you just like cut loose

no and give some fun I would take a deep

breath and go risk it yeah yeah like you

damn sure we pace let me buy an Jovi

base

don't change the subject look you're an

attractive intelligent woman why don't

you take a deep breath in

it's only been six years since your

father died six years is a long time for

me it's not yeah but you're attached

you're in your prime why don't you just

take a deep breath and go out there and

risk it all hey come on I'm the mother I

give the advice I'm gonna look

ridiculous in California yeah you're not

you're gonna fit right in you sure yeah

if everybody across the USA

everybody'd be soon

I got a pony

I am wearing

Hiroki sandals

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and basically hello hi I'm Lynn

Hollander

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I'm so happy to see you you're really

good at that should be let's see last

twenty years at the rate of four eggs a

day don't you two would see here 29,000

egg yeah that's it now I want all of you

to try it with your partner

oh yeah lots to learn

don't be too hard on yourself we make

great frost roses yeah but you can't eat

for us two roses three meals a day yes I

could

voila okay yes call it what you like

it's still liver and my kids won't touch

it

mmm

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are you comfortable yeah what you don't

look up I guess I'm just not used to

doing business a naked why do you feel

you have to cover yourself up like

ashamed of your body no on the contrary

I love my body it's given me many years

of uninterrupted service say oh I'd like

to talk to you about the title

I think fondly is too hard to hear you

know and I think Fonda or else is ready

what about me you think I'm too

threatening if you don't mind I'd like

to test market fondle with care now I'd

like to make just a couple of points

about style like a very tense person

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they're a massive nerds I hate to see

somebody I like it into this kind of

shape that's okay thanks a lot I'm

totally relaxed now you know that you

seem like a very special person it's not

often you find a woman wears a brain and

a body really I always thought it was

kinda standard equipment what is this

daggoo financière don't do French speak

English animal insides sue me that's

what it is my grandson here is gonna

make some woman a very happy someday

she'll bring home the bacon and he can

cook it for grandpa damn with me I'm

old-fashioned I'm a dinosaur I'm

lumbering toward enlightenment give me

time so young lady I hear you're a

student at Yale University

that's right mr. boss I'm a sophomore

this is gourmet it takes time

tell me you uh you must have a lot of

boyfriend's over New Haven am i right

sure hundreds

how much longer she's gonna keep Laura

tell me Laura do they teach manners in

college these days sorry mr. boss it's

just you know it's exam time and I'd

rather be back at school than sitting

here stuffing my face what do you study

grandpa maybe she doesn't want to talk

about what you studying no that's okay

I'm majoring in English with a minor in

psychology you speak English very good

what are you gonna do when you leave

school I haven't really thought about

well Nick here hasn't thought about it

much either he majored in philosophy

yeah hi I made utin philosophy - no

kidding oh well you both have so much in

common maybe you should open a

philosophy shop together I like to open

a gourmet shop feed the body not the

mind so what did you major in mr. Ross

we didn't have majors in my day we had

pushing and heavy lifting I majored in

the garment district i minored him

ladies lingerie so if we combine the

last part of the third chapter with the

middle section of chapter 7 then we can

treat the sensuality of elbows and knees

at the same time what do you play Japan

can I have a picture Randy it's nice

lady wants a picture how do I look

stunning I like this shirt that mrs.

Fontana pick it up there is no mrs.

Fontana

I think she wants you to take a picture

us now let's have a real deal Fontana

special

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this is what my mother intended in the

first place

what fixing me up with you you're

kidding

well it's the only reason she could have

for bringing me here I have no interest

in food I'm almost a certifiable

anorexic thanks you're the only familiar

name to me in this entire room that's

because we're partners for cooking your

mom and me no it's because she likes you

yeah oh you can tell if a woman is

wearing pantyhose jokes are so piece do

you think so I like a good job down on

that you really don't have anything in

common do with so I think what we better

do is take

you recognize our brother well we really

have a lot of work to do

I know can't you relax for just a minute

all right I'll try you have a videotape

machine like a bias of the near tape

then you can watch me back in the year

oh you just reminded me I have to buy

Nicky a present oh all right you like

video games no maybe I'll get him a

record or a video that he could take to

us :

we're go to the OE badge away to college

last year feel pure fun 10 I want to

thank you for your book you truly

changed my life well I thank you

you know my book says a human being can

survive on a minimum of eight bucks a

day but but optimal emotional health

I recommend no less than 12 yeah I will

add one hug today how many do you have

none but I feel pretty good then I need

a second hard no what are you gonna do

about that lady could you come back so I

say to a cheeseburger oh that's a great

idea

oh that's fantastic

I get so sick of good food me too gotta

admit when you're in the mood for it

there is nothing like a nice big greasy

burger no I don't think Laura is too

crazy about me

oh don't take it personally you know all

she thinks about is school anyway

are you disappointed in what about

Lauren me that we didn't hit it off oh I

just have to stop trying to fix her up

you know I didn't think it would work

anyway why not

just because I didn't go to Yale no no

mostly I assumed someone like you would

have a girlfriend he did well you do

don't you

well actually I did but she's um no I

don't have a girlfriend not at the

moment

oh well don't worry I don't know I'm

kind of romantic

I I've got very high standards and they

just don't seem to be a lot of people

out there I know I know

well do you have to go yeah

I've gotta catch the 11:35 train where

are you going Scarsdale yes in a matter

of fact they I'm going to Scarsdale

that's what funny about that well you're

just not exactly my idea of a Scarsdale

matron I guess yeah thanks I guess so

you live out in the suburbs

with your two cars two kids a dog a cat

and a button-down husband three out of

four ain't bad

no cat oh I'm sorry don't be I'm not no

that's not so I am I'm terribly sorry

I understand I know what it's like to

loosen that could you possibly

understand loss at your age my father

died six years ago

I'm sorry yeah

Shelley I got a great idea let's stop

apologizing to each other what do you

say okay so when did your husband pass

away you don't have to be so polite I

mean he's not dead at least not in the

conventional sense

we're divorced oh oh I'm so uh I don't

get it why would anyone in his right

mind want to divorce you oh you are a

romantic aren't you yeah sometimes I

don't even believe what comes out of my

mouth I mean I just think you're such a

beautiful

well you're really attractive and very

bright and and forget it I don't seem to

be able to say anything right yes you do

everything you say comes out right you

express yourself very well you think so

mm-hmm well it just seems easier when I

talk to you

how about some more coffee I could I

could catch the 12:05

I hope you enjoy your last two weeks I

know you're gonna be as much help to the

other writers as you with me well I hope

you enjoy signing autographs in Detroit

and Traverse City and Akron and

Cleveland and Winnetka you know I think

we accomplished a lot in the last two

weeks I really do

so do I I like your games yeah I like

the rest of you to sail could I have a

hug

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tastehh

it it tastes very very sweet

how much sugar did she say to put in

there a cup that's impossible no that's

what you said I'm positive I don't

believe it it doesn't taste right

where's the book

it must be in the other room I love your

airplane look as soon as I get a job I

plan to move outta here yeah you and

Jason must have the same interior

decorator only now he's 11

yeah wasn't that long ago the most

amazing thing about 11 is it lasts until

you're 15 and all of a sudden they're

just a severe case of galloping

pointless so what happens then I don't

know it hasn't happened to me yet I

haven't seen this book since I was in

high school what is it

Edna st. Vincent Millay let me see that

you know there's a poem in here I was

thinking about when you are shopping oh

here it is this one we were very tired

we were very merry we've gone back and

forth all night on the ferry and you ate

an apple and I ate a pear from a dozen

of each we had bought somewhere and the

sky went one and the wind came cold

and the Sun rose stripping a bucket full

of gold and the sky went war in that

great

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it's been any time since anyone's read

me poetry

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how'd you like it

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is that a mistake

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a lot of control

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[Applause]

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hi mom I'm great terrific yeah

everything's fine how's your trip going

uh well actually there is something new

I'm seeing someone she's a student at

the cooking school no nothing's the

matter I just rather talk about it when

you get home no mom there's nothing

wrong with her she's an absolutely

normal person she's perfect no no she's

not married she's divorced mom you don't

want to know okay okay

she's 14 well actually she's 32

sorry I know this is a very unpro well

how'd she take it

oh great fine I don't think it fazed at

all she's a really accepting person yeah

hello oh hi mom I'm glad you called back

uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh

I I can't right now well yes actually

she is Yeah right right here in my room

yeah

oh okay mama I will she sends her

regards yeah I bet she did

all right so she's a little upset why

don't see why she should be I get all

worked up over the casual thing hey hey

hey it's not a casual thing you know

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Wow hey mom

Hey look great very mellow very la

faccia for that job you must be tired

you must be too so how did things

finally work out with you and a sex

maniac

funny I was gonna ask you the same thing

mom it was a good trip you didn't hate

him

doctor touch me he turned out to be

kinda nice pen so uh trying to go back

there soon you're trying to get rid of

me alright I guess we better discuss

this yeah maybe you better

what would you like to start well let's

start with what's her name her name is

Shelly Shelly grant and exactly what is

going on with you and mrs. grant she

wants to meet you

you're kidding no I'm not why shouldn't

she why would a woman who is dating a

kid half her age

I mean why on earth would she want to

meet the mother maybe because I'm very

proud of the mother maybe because I talk

about the mother a lot maybe because she

thinks you're a very interesting lady

right and besides mom she read trust the

body she has a few questions don't try

and be funny about this this is not

exactly a laugh riot to me why it's not

a tragedy I only got a fatal disease I

have a relationship I thought you'd be

pleased pleased you have a relationship

I am not pleased it's with an old person

she is not an old person mom she's just

a mature adult great maybe you can go to

our rated films with her oh very funny

honey look I would like to be able to

celebrate this with you but I'm afraid I

can't why why can't you because I find

this whole thing just a little bit uh I

don't know I'm natural do you really

think that that is so incredibly

prejudiced I'm not prejudiced I would be

thrilled if you were involved with a

third-world person if she were your own

aide can't we just can't believe this

reaction from you

why can't you find someone her own age

why does she have to pick on you wait a

minute what's wrong with me don't you

think that there just might be something

special or interesting about me I mean

it's it's so incredible than an adult

woman might find me attractive

I didn't say incredible I said unnatural

boy I guess I have a pretty clear

picture of your opinion of me now Nicky

please don't bend this all out of shape

look mom I am meeting Shelley for dinner

Tuesday night at eight o'clock I'd like

you to be there so is she pregnant cop

serious then what are you worried about

why can't you ever take my side Norman I

do I take your side when you're right in

this case you're wrong she happens to be

a lovely lady she's so lovely why

doesn't you find a man or old age maybe

she doesn't want to maybe she prefers

more youthful men happens all the time

in French novels well this isn't a novel

this is my son no way Nicky could have

started this man I'll tell you that

right now there's much to shy she was

the aggressor this I know what do you

mean aggression you mean like Deborah

card tea and sympathy Oh Sylvia Kristel

and try the plushies you seem to be an

expert on the subject

just trying to put this situation into

which proper perspective

lighten things up well it's not funny

the human life we're talking about

really don't be so dramatic

why not besides I'm not even sure what

anybody knows about us max you're

supposed to know you're his mother in

any case I think it's very nice but the

two of them are going out together nice

you think it's nice

well I think she ought to stay in her

house in Scarsdale and be ashamed of

herself instead of flouncing around in

public with the teenager

she must be terrific looking through

wiki to be so attracted to her she must

be sensational looking even at 42 42 is

a very young woman 42 is a young woman

for somebody 74 for someone 22 it's not

so tell me one it's a great looking of

what she's very nice look how old is she

she looks my team I believe this is

happening

it's not happening to you it's happening

to Nick and you're not handling it well

at all well what do you expect from me I

am in shock

in high school he took home a consisted

of woodworking how can you be shocked

why do you have to do what criticize you

I'm your father I'm entitled no job why

do you put your body through this year

seventy four year old man don't change

the subject

what where are you going don't be so

sensitive

come on back here where you're going in

such a hurry I got to go home and change

I'm gonna meet her tonight

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wait a minute this isn't right

she's gonna feel more comfortable next

to you

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are you nervous of course not I am this

is not gonna work why we should surround

her that way she you know feel more at

home oh okay

you're gonna like them all really you

two have a lot in common

honey kind of Shelly granny nice to meet

you

the next told me so much about you I'm

sorry I'm late I had to pick separate

for my son oh you have a little boy yes

Jason he's 11

Oh 11 I remember when Nick was 11 it

seems like there's only yesterday you

have other children already told you

Laura how old is she she's 19 she's at

Yale remember what Nick tells me you

have another son Stevie he's a medical

student at 25 oh well you must have been

a child bride no as I understand you're

divorced

mom how long have you been on the loose

uh dating available around Martin and I

have been separated a year in three

months he's north adonis he fell in love

with his dental hygienist she's 23 years

old they lived together I got the house

in Scarsdale as part of the settlement

I'm going to have to sell it because I

have no income I work in a bookstore

part-time Jason lives at home and he

spends every other weekend with his dad

does that cover it for you

good evening I have some wonderful

specials for you and I salad please

dressy oil and vinegar yes um fettuccine

alfredo please sir and I'll have the

rack of lamb rare and could we get

another round of drinks please of course

what would you like Shelley oh nothing

for me thanks I'd like to be totally

alert for this a month

well I'll have another Scotch please

better make it a double so do your

children know about you and knit no

we're a guy just going to the men's room

right back why are you doing this doing

what

well I think you know what I'm talking

about you mean why am i involved with

Nick well I'm not sure I would have

phrased it quite that way well how would

you put it

what's going on here why are you playing

with the emotions of a boy half your age

if that's what you think I'm doing

you're mistaken

you haven't answered my question I

thought I had maybe I wasn't clear

enough why are you using Nick I am not

using Nick I don't play with people how

do you do you are I mean it can't be any

more than a side dish for you I mean it

can't be serious about a 22 year old boy

I know but I am listen I can't control

my emotions here I mean I I didn't plan

on getting involved with someone so

young I didn't seduce him

it just it don't come on now a grown-up

person you know these things don't just

happen yes but it did look I'm not like

this I don't do this kind of thing I

mean I'm surprised at myself I always

follow the rules I don't let my kids

throw their wrappers in the street I

can't even jaywalk do you think I'm

happy about this then why are you doing

it because I'm happy I like Nick so much

he's so sweet and sensitive and

I was so lonely before and unhappy and

he makes me feel so so safe and he has

feelings mean nothing to you what well

because when you're finished with him

and you will be he's going to be

devastated what kind of a person do you

think I am

I don't know that's what I'm trying to

find out well so am i well please just

don't discover yourself at the expense

of my son your son can take care of

himself

your son is an exceptional person and

with all those wonderful qualities he

must have had a hell of an extraordinary

mother although I have yet to see much

evidence of that because everything

going

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thank you for driving us he was on my

way

I'll be I'll be right up oh good night

tonight it was nice meeting you

no matter what and I thought the food

was good boy she tough look I know her

she's gonna regret saying that the

minute she gets in the elevator it'll

keep her awake all night I hope so

you were wonderful

oh no I wasn't are there than finding my

husband and his lover wrapped together

in the dental chair this has been the

worst night of my fault lucky me to know

you don't count you're only 22 I haven't

heard that often enough tonight

oh I'm sorry shall we give it to her

she'll get used to it

but will I be better

I mean maybe this is a good preparation

quarters

well what happened tonight with your

mother we have to expect this you know

people are not going to like this you

and me I guess look Nick can you take it

I have a confession to make

what not only can I take it but on some

secret level I love it because I know

what makes them so angry is that they're

so jealous of me Oh

want me to hold that for you over here

very funny

I just had a call from LA I'm getting

some interesting feedback on you

yeah mm-hmm he said that you are the

best editor he's ever had those were his

exact words

he also said he would like to work with

you again but he didn't want to apply

any pressure which is why you talked to

me about it so I thought I'd apply a

little pressure how would you like to

head up our Los Angeles office

Theo isn't the only author out there

that feels this way you're gonna

consider moving out there even on a

trial basis why well because I like it

here in New York I mean I'm used to dirt

and grime and paranoia and you know my

friends are here and besides I can't

believe Nicki you mean how much could he

need - he's 22 years old

all right I need him we're very close

when I think this move would be good for

you face it there's got to be more to

life than mothering

I like mother I hate to say this one but

Nick could be a father before you stop

being a mother he depends on me we

confide in each other all the more

reason leave him alone

let him have the thrill of Independence

let him discover the excitement of

people is own age that's not what

happens when I leave him alone

I wish I had a cigarette

why y'all smoke because that's what they

used to do in movies at a time like this

what movies Oh movies your mother and I

used to watch movies you don't know

about you know I wish your mother didn't

hate me so much she doesn't she just

hates the idea of you yeah huh I think

she might even kind of like you as a

person that's ridiculous you can't stand

me

no she asked me to ask you to dinner she

did yeah

next Monday I think she's gonna make pot

roast I won't be damned well this is one

day I am NOT going to forget let me see

what a doofus

well you can't expect me to like him oh

I guess not

I don't what did you see in him anyway

he did great them work come on really

well you don't want to know about this

yes I do

well he was a lot taller than I was and

he had very nice forearms of course no

really he made me feel made me feel very

secure he wanted it was a sane reliable

man until he hit 40 you know you look a

fool five thanks a lot no not now then

look at your hair and everything

Oh

I feel 20 now is that crazy

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see the only man you ever loved

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until now

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there and there have you seen my medium

whisk what my medium whisk

oh yeah it's over here on the shelf

what's it doing over there I like it

here with my frequently used utensils

well Shelley and I will practice single

read in the kitchens it's a garlic fish

soup why did you ever cook at her house

well it's inconvenient for me to get

there and besides Jason gets in the way

surely not in the way of cooking mom all

right no I just put things back where

you found them please so uh what are we

having for dinner

pot roast great fantastic she'll love

your pot roast

whoo chili I invited her to dinner she

was in the city so I thought it'd be a

good idea do you call that thought you

were a philosophy major that's not

thought that's impulse all right I meant

to ask you about it before but I was

afraid you'd say no so I just kept

avoiding it until now yeah why is she

coming here is she a glutton for

punishment or what no I told her about

your pot roast I guess she's just a

glutton did you tell her I was gonna be

here of course Oh Nick I don't think

this look mom we're gonna have a good

time you'll see yes if you give it a

chance I think you two could really hit

it off

you do I think you better lock up the

knives

the secret to my grandmother's recipe is

what she quit the stock apparently

secrets are always the best

what did she put in it I can't tell you

it's a secret I was only kidding

and she took two two cups of red wine

and a quark cup of cognac flamed two

strips of bacon dies Oh three cloves of

garlic and a bay leaf that's the

standard Bergen eel recipe right Nick

yeah it certainly sounds the same yeah

but I haven't gotten to the secret part

yet she also added a teaspoon of sugar

thickened with a tablespoon of butter

blended with a tablespoon of flour oh

it's amazing what a huge difference one

teaspoon of sugar can make isn't it yes

huge difference

have you ever tried putting the

casserole in the oven it takes a little

longer but it comes that way it won't be

overcooked

you never said my pot roast was

overcooked no no I didn't mean it was

you love my pot roast yes I do damn it

come on Charlie let's let mom make a pot

roast she really doesn't very well

I'm sorry what are you cooking your

course and we're all give each other how

much longer will it be I should think

you know about an hour right right

well maybe showing I'll just go into my

room and read or something the

vegetables smell great the vegetables

smell great and haven't even put them in

yet

yeah

I'm acting like a total crazy person

here you make me so he done I don't need

this I really don't I mean a person's

home is their castle

they have no right at the nerve of that

woman flouncing in here seducing my son

and criticizing my cookie

no I will not have them slot there want

and sexuality in my face

my limbs my model earrings I will not

have this in my house what is that Jason

well I won't have it in my house

that's ridiculous there because I can't

of course I've never been to Battle

Creek I've never even seen a cereal

factory no well because I mean even if I

could I couldn't this weekend is my

birthday party what do you think it's

50th okay right all right bye

where's Nancy she went to get a little

shopping and while I drop the bags off

at the apartment she went directly from

baggage claim to Bloomingdale's well we

don't get to New York all that often

I know boy do I know listen they let you

have your like this in medical school

don't start I'm not starting to starting

so glad that my family didn't gather

again

so how's Nikki doing how much time have

you got

why well it's not an easy question to

answer but uh let me put it as politely

and succinctly as I can he's having an

affair with the woman twice his age

Nikki you're putting me on

would I get about something like that

normally yes well there's nothing normal

about this situation I think we're

actually here you look fabulous

my sweetest man missed you the stores

here on a madhouse and I had the

wouldest cab driver you know it's still

the most exciting city in the world I

got a great present for grandpa Norman

and I picked up a little bread and

butter gift for you too oh you shouldn't

have done that

thank you Oh

oh they're uh grapes ears ready for

cutting grapes off the stem oh yes there

I don't know how I lived without them

isn't she something where did I go wrong

you did eat you got one summers of

doctor the others a friendship as long

as they're happy right not their careers

I'm worried about it's their love lives

oh that

steeds going with a Barbie doll the

other one's gonna be a grandmother

before next 30 years old it could be

worse

oh yeah I don't see how you ever see a

Barbie doll was a grandmother don't you

ever take anything seriously why should

I it's only live here come sit you

promise you won't criticize I never

criticize I merely observed Nancy gave

me a present pair of grape shears what a

grape shears

it's an implement for separating grapes

from their stems we say this for Shelley

she's down to earth there you go oh come

on I'm not such an ogre she's just not

what I had in mind for Nick that's all

well what did you have in mind

cheerleader maybe of course not but I

wanted an infant fur grandchild not a 19

year old I wanted somebody who would

discover life with Nick not someone

who's been around the block a few times

it's perfectly understandable but what

about for yourself I just told you no

you didn't you told me what you expected

for Nick you never once mentioned what

you expected is not to criticize that's

not a criticism that's just a question

I guess I want things to be the way they

were before before Shelly came along you

know before that even when I have a

husband I want David

I get so tired of doing everything by

myself you know I'm not very good at it

I mean I give terrible advice and I

behave very badly in a crisis want to be

a family again

well I can understand that I mean none

of this would have happened isn't it dad

father wrong none of this would have

happened if they hadn't well I hope

you're happy

shelli's accepted your invitation she

and her kids are gonna come to your

party

great did you tell him to bring me

presents sure it's well for you meantime

I don't know if I'm gonna make it

through your birthday you think you got

a problem I don't know if I'm gonna make

it to my birthday

why is everything a joke with you Oh

Lenny sweetheart

why can't you laugh at yourself anymore

now where is everybody

when aunt already Elizabeth Arden and

Nicky went shopping for me yeah you know

graded us to be together I stand in this

kitchen I think of all the phony if the

help mm-hmm it's just so great to be

here with you and Nick well sweetie I

wish you didn't live so far away why

can't you go to her mom I know I love

having you here too there's only one

thing wrong with it it reminds me of how

much I miss you when you go back hey I'm

so sorry shorty no I'm really proud of

you Nick why your face is really cleared

up listen mom if that grandpa's birthday

there's just one thing she always kids

they don't know about us

they just think we're friends

perfect

[Music]

it looks gorgeous

simply gorgeous thank you I just wanted

to tell you Lynn I think you're taking

this whole thing very well you know the

hanky-panky between you-know-who and you

know who how did you find out about it

man see my lips are sealed

wild horses couldn't drag it out of my

mouth Norman I made sure everything was

perfect out there now what can I do to

get things organized in here the

apartment was very festive

you had your drapes clean oh you don't

miss it hey Uncle Louie ah it's so nice

having the family together again

I only wish David were here yes these

occasions always remind me of David -

you're such a lovely woman you look like

a schoolgirl

Uncle Louie would believe how old you

are

grapes anyone No thank you not me is

that all we're having grapes

oh no we'll eat just as soon as the rest

of the guests arrive you mean next

Tootsie with our children

[Music]

that must be her now this I can't wait

to see hi I'm Barbara Slater I'm sorry I

she's a very advanced 42 y'all bad state

yeah come on in come on it this is my

date why shouldn't it be the only one

let's go get a drink

[Music]

[Music]

I'm very nervous I don't know why I mean

there's nothing to be nervous about

after all nobody knows the benefit you

right grapes everyone that rose you can

hook it up are you married yet not yeah

that rose any prospects talk to her

honey hello there oh hello David

don't shout I'm not David I'm Steve and

David son

Oh where's David he died six years ago

nobody told me okay I'll get it even are

you married yet oh come on it

this must be Jason me yeah close the

door Laura oh thank you thank you

everyone an announcement I know this is

my this is my Shelly that's 42

hey Nick my main man

hey geez who is that person

that Shelly didn't know you had a

daughter chased and a pair of socks that

match thank you what should I open next

this hey I hear you live in Scarsdale

yes so is this your first divorce free

Steve and Nancy an electric swizzle

stick batteries included thank you

Norman tells me you live in Scarsdale

yes you and me just a couple of women on

the loop sir yes I live in Scarsdale

okay

are you married yet excuse me

[Music]

Micra school I'm so tired

telling stories and pretending making up

things for just good friends

yes maybe it's just too much maybe it's

too difficult maybe just a second what

do you want that's the right answer

you seem to be a woman applied taste if

you ever want to balance things out with

an older man just give me a call

come on mr. raging hormones let's get

you home and be an asset to kick in

good night tonight just wonderful

we're gonna drop the train station take

Jason and Shelley okay it was a

memorable dinner thanks for having us

by

anybody home in here honey come outside

I'm gonna show you something

what about a hello time all right come

on Nick can I come too

that is men stuff come on Nick keep an

eye on the house all right what are you

doing I think my mom has a boyfriend

where'd you get this I found it

what do you mean you found it well was

tucked in my mom's notebook for cooking

classes yeah I didn't steal it

she asked me to get the notebook fur I'm

gonna fill out but you read it

well sure wouldn't you yeah I'm pretty

much yeah she and him sneak around a lot

it's very secret sure they can't get

married though why not cuz suddenly my

dad's coming back he's the only one my

mom has sex with oh you can only have

real sex when you're married I'd see my

mom had real sex twice wants to get me

in once for Laura hey you want to see my

rats Kelly I hate goodbyes we'll be back

yeah yeah six months well I can't speak

for Steven but I know I'll be back

before then I just can't get enough of

this wild wonderful day it's your mommy

Nancy me too I love you mom okay you

want to come downstairs with us no I

can't stand goodbyes Oh

Andiamo

thank you talk to me will you

I'll do what I can bye

so are you two really serious why are we

discussing this now

do you love Shelley yes but most of all

she's my very very good friend

thank you honey you see if you could

find us a cab there's something I want

to say to Nick sir honey

okay Steve go ahead I can take it I was

at college when that died and you were

the little man of the house you had to

take care of mom you did a great job

yeah what I'm not finished

well you're grown up now and you don't

have to be the good little boy anymore

you're not her husband you don't have to

take care of her

Steven exists she's not your

responsibility we can love her we don't

belong to her we have to lead our own

lives now thanks

there's something else I want to say to

you what stay away from chocolate and

fine foods your face is gonna look like

a pizza again good news honey I found

the only clean taxi cab in all of New

York City right goodbye Nicky honey if

Zacks on the way to the airport I don't

think so tell me yeah when did you first

get interested in the subject of sex I

first became interested in the subject

when I was about 3 years old I was in

graduate school and I discovered that I

was as interested in people's souls as I

was in their bodies moving from souls to

sex which is your field could you give

us a kind of retention cake your

philosophy on the subject of sex is the

most talked about and the least

understood subject around see the

problem is people are just afraid that

him dr. erotica the insanity fund they

they're afraid that they might seem

selfish or inappropriate or maybe even

not normal

oh please I believe that people actually

listen to this speaks me videos

psychology I mean give me a break

but that is a risk that you just have to

take because if you don't you might as

well live all along

[Music]

why can't we leave Wednesday that way

we'll be alone for four days together

yeah well I just made some arrangements

for Jason

okay he's through with his down and

practicing for four days why not you

never outgrow your need for tea hello

was sensation

oh you must be doing something right

it's funny but uh I was talking to

Barbara the other day and she said you

were coming into New York for some kind

of classism yes I'm taking a cooking bus

great idea what a neat way to get out

meet people so um how are the kids are

Jason and Laura Laura they're fine my

sources tell me that disenchantment has

begun to set in with a tooth man and he

has little nurses yeah we listen like

that I've gotta go now I'll call you

later okay we'll have lunch asleep yes

let's have lunch

Nick Nick I'm sorry I'm sorry

how could you know what I was saying why

didn't you introduce us I don't know

this should do you're embarrassed about

not embarrassed because I don't know

what to call you I'm Nick you know you

were right when he said no one no one

nobody was in life it's us together and

you know what you're one of them

somebody who feels embarrassed about

being seen with me

well you're right you're right you

should be walking away from me I'd walk

away from me I hate myself I everything

I did was wrong please listen to me I

apologize I'll never do it again I'll

introduce you to everybody I need little

baby this is Nick

[Music]

it should be you made it

[Music]

do you think this would taste as good of

horn in love I'm the wrong person

[Music]

that's what you told me why does this

make me feel like a guilty look we have

nothing to feel guilty about with two

adults here okay let me handle this

situation um what are you doing here

I live here but but you said you were

you know going to a play yes terrible

play as it turns out we left at

intermission

oh well Shelley and I really just um

well we didn't know you're gonna get

home so late I did tell her to me she

was coming over to cook you didn't tell

me I was gonna find you sitting here

undressed and naked okay we're sorry

and maybe Shelley and I should just you

know go to my room and watch TV or so

impressed Nick you really know how to

deal with you sure they love me

apologize just talk to her like yo hey

wait a minute where you come off

criticizing him like that are you

kidding I can criticize him anytime I

feel like no you can't I can he's my son

he's your son that doesn't entitle you

to dictate to it I will decide whether

or not I will dictate to my son that was

not like to think that I'm involved with

a mature person you don't you were to

expect someone his age to be jump every

time his mother says jump oh you do in a

thousand ways almost old on both of you

what is it with you two am i invisible

or something

look show me I'm your lover and mom I'm

your son yes and no son should ever be

forced to choose between his mother and

his mistress mistress I said stop it

I'm so tired of this thing every night I

go to sleep it every morning I wake up

thinking about this and I just keep

coming up with the same question what

did I do wrong

I fell in love now what is so wrong with

that huh come on mom tell me what is it

what is making you so crazy okay no yes

you're damn right I do

I have a lover I'm in love with her and

you can't stand it because you're

jealous I am NOT and you're bending this

all out of shape

this is not about you and me it's about

you and her in this whole unnatural

relationship no what's unnatural is me

worrying about you and having to answer

to you watching to see if everything's

okay

worrying all the time about what you

think what I have is an unnatural

relationship with you that's not true

wheter looks over and I am NOT gonna be

your little boy anymore and you don't

have to let go of me

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

are you all right no no no I shouldn't

have burst in on YouTube I should've

called first

it is your house yeah it is I'm used to

sharing it with Nicky I never thought

he'd leave he'll be back he loves you

yeah he'll probably want to live with me

forever

it'll be nice I'll be in my 80s be in

his 50s what makes you think you'll be

alone when you're 80

no no alone since my husband died I'm

alone now it's a pretty good bet I'll be

alone in the future don't sell yourself

short you're a very attractive lady for

your age why don't you finish the

sentence why do you have trouble

accepting a compliment yeah it's not a

problem I run into that often all right

all right I am being defensive it's

because I'm over 40 well so am I

yeah but I'm Way over 40 and I'm a

involuntary single person me too only my

husband walked out on me you know it

took me a year before I could leave the

house I don't even want to go out

anymore I don't know how to date I don't

even have the energy to flirt was with

David for 23 years I don't want to share

my bathroom with a stranger I don't want

somebody I don't know in there I know I

know you get used to living alone and

first it's awful you feel lonely and

then you can't imagine it any other way

at this point can you even dream of

picking up anyone else's clothes off the

floor it's not my problem my problem is

taking off mine

you're crazy you're very sensual woman

who thinks

no I mean that I mean that completely

objectively I would say that even if I

were a complete stranger I really would

okay let's say hypothetically that

you're gonna fix me up on a blind date

yeah

how would you describe me I say you were

exotic yeah yeah and unique very very

earthy

well sexy would you say sexy yes I think

you're amazing

no no I would have come up with it in

the next four or five adjectives you

know Shelley I might really like you you

weren't using my son I've got a surprise

for you I'm not the only one who's using

him you're using him too you use him for

advice you use him for protection use

him for company entertainment let's face

it you use him as the man in your life

Shelley of all the people in the world I

really don't need a lecture from you I

think you better go how's Mickey just

moved out

staying with this friend from high

school Benjy Harris did I ever meet this

Harris kid Norman is that important I

have just told you that my only

remaining son has walked out on me

great I'm glad to hear it it's about

time dammit aren't you ever gonna take

my side I will the moment I think you're

in the right I promise

is he still seeing the pretty one

Shelly yeah yeah I guess what I like her

and I want to but I do well she's a very

nice lady she is a nice thing not right

for my son she's a nice lady

why isn't walking briskly enough why do

you have to do this to your body look

like a body of a 67 year old I'm in my

prime I am you're the typical type a

high-pressure high-risk case you're the

one who should be respecting her own

body I'll tell you this Norman boss I'm

sick and tired of these discussions

which we find some remotely possible

flaw of yours and it turns into a

criticism of me I really

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

thanks a lot provided

don't wait what Jason uh Nick was just

going your daddy brought you home early

what's going on Jason no no so what

should we do

he can't deal with it and I can't deal

with it anymore it's too complicated you

wait a minute what do you think this is

some casual little thing that you can

just snuff out because you independently

decide thanks but you are my son is up

there dance Tatum's jogging oh you think

about that later

Jason's not shocked Shelly he's not

shocked that you love somebody that you

love me he's hurt because you're acting

ashamed of it and he's angry

because you lied to him about us I

didn't I just I can't tell him it proved

but you love me I don't want to hurt

Jason I can't hurt Jason I don't want to

hurt you I want to do the right thing

but don't you see Nick nobody wants it

not your mother

my kids not my friends too much for me

to [ __ ] I'm I'm just not strong enough I

can't handle it honey

together Ricky no

I'm sorry it's over

[Music]

[Applause]

then gee it's mrs. Hollander again as

Nick Shona okay well when he does I can

still be based at that number okay

sorry I yelled it to the pun I give you

this hi detective don't take so much

credit life gave me this heart attack I

didn't feel what does it look like I

feel

is Mickey coming over and I can't find

him

probably shacked up somewhere with his

old lady lady

that's funny Lynne Norman

at last the compliment oh don't you know

I think you're a wonderful person

but I do go ahead and waste my criticism

if I didn't do you worry about being a

lonely do you worry about the future

come on Bob you'd only have to talk like

this conditions not that serious not me

Nick you're gonna have to let go on you

know that don't you

and not for her sake either be yours

[Music]

they get so long lynnie

you tell me that it just goes what their

past get selfish with your time

sweetheart will you promise there's a

greasy are certainly the Disney there

yet well when it comes with you Tom to

come right here thank you

[Music]

excuse me do you have a Norman klas you

know everyone I think of a good side to

any it's all right it's resting not

think he's gonna be okay

loves you so much Nick

[Music]

I said one yeah okay how's Norman he's

fine Barbara are planning on

honeymooning in Las Vegas I thought he

was recovering from a heart attack

you're telling us no I'm - Norman

[Music]

Jessica because I missed her well just

because she broke my son's heart it's no

reason we can't be friends

well you know it had to end eventually

eventually but why now I have to think

about the future it just couldn't work

but what about the present but it's one

how how long have you been sitting here

drinking

why do you ask because I don't believe

this is coming from you

actually it's coming from Norman what

happened to Norman you spend time in a

hospital with someone that you love and

it kind of wakes you up to what's

important

I'm a newly divorced and it scared to

death to be out of here on her own when

I met Nick I needed him and he was funny

and bright and sensitive Emily a million

things in common

Wow it sounds like she broken up a long

time ago you as shy as variance I'm

still shot

well maybe maybe I was there i teaching

clay and I could hide from the world he

made me feel secure

what am I crazy I mean aren't these all

reasons why you should stay together

Shelley you and I are both mature adult

women I mean apart from Nick that's the

main thing we have in common right you

do have a way of putting things and as

mature human beings you and I both know

that the right people don't come along

every day or even every week sometimes

not for decades so if someone right does

come along it's very special don't you

think it's something you ought to hold

on to am I making myself clear yes so do

you think that you and Nate could afford

to be good to each other enjoy each

other for another month

[Music]

possibly project for another six months

maybe could you afford another year can

you afford not to

first of all he'd never forgive me

I wouldn't bet on it

[Applause]

[Music]

you're gonna look great California you

think so huh thanks a lot I still think

we should take you to the airport and

nobody takes anybody to the airport in

New York besides just straight things

it's gonna be very strange without you

there listen it was me be strange around

here with me you know you don't have to

go through with this honey I said it

great instead of it to your father when

I was in high school I married him when

I was in my junior year of college I was

with him all my adult life until he died

and I was with you now it's time for me

to be on my own

[Music]

I'll miss you mom

[Music]

this year too honey

neatly patiently

and remember I'm not losing his son I'm

gaining his sister

[Music]

[Music]

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