Original subtitles

Thank you.

Make sure you flush, Will.

Uh, what's he gonna do in the locker room?

What do you think?

Uh, he couldn't just do that upstairs?

Uh, room key.

It's red.

Red.

Still red!

Still locked.

It might just be... Uh, go!

Go! Green, green, green. Go!

- Go. - It's open?

What? How do you get in there?

Smart. Less.

Smart. Less.

Oh.

Pivot.

All alone.

By himself.

No thoughts.

Just run.

Run.

Empty.

Nothing come in.

Nothing come out.

Just run...

...like machine.

Machine stay empty.

Empty machine is goal.

Empty vessel.

Machine.

I mean, it's kinda true.

Ah, Matza ball soup.

They got a New England Clam Chowder.

I don't think that's a good call.

Fucking belly full of fucking chowder.

Okay. Hot wings? No.

Chicken club wrap.

The One Dalton burger.

Steak frites.

Possible burger.

Oh, my god. I just did a little drive-by of your closet.

You got a read fur collar on that coat, huh?

I know.

Oh, boy.

- Where do we gonna get to enjoy that? - I'm not gonna wear it.

You're saying you don't wanna reveal on this documentary what a douchebag you are?

You wanna keep that for later?

- Do you... Do you... - I think the horse is outta the barn.

Do you wanna go down this road?

Uh-uh.

What is happening with you two?

It's flirting.

This is the way we start to get it going.

Oh, slightly disturbing. Okay.

I'm going to Eli's room. I'll be back.

- Did you already shower after you... you did the, um, uh-- - Yeah.

- ...lazy man's workout in the sauna? - Yeah.

I'd like to sweat but I don't wanna exert to cause it.

Let me just sit in a hot room.

I lifted weights.

M'Okay.

Wait, you... you ran six miles on a treadmill.

So cool it Iron Man.

Also, tell your face...

- That I exercised? - Yeah.

It's still puffy?

- The eyes. - No.

You know the movie The Hills Have Eyes?

You could do the remake but it's called "The Eyes Have Hills."

You don't need to laugh at that.

- You know what I mean? - You know what? You're shaking the camera.

You didn't just walk into that, you built that joke.

- I'm a setup guy. - Yeah.

I enjoy it.

So keep 'em coming, smartass.

- Hi, come on in. - House...

You guys ordered food?

We just had breakfast, like, two seconds ago.

- Okay? - No, but I'm saying, like, are you gonna--

You know, it's four or five hours away.

Yeah, all right.

- Okay, great. Thank you. - Thank you so much.

Yeah, I think... Who cares, it's just for them.

Will, why don't you help him set up instead of just watching?

Ta ta ta ta diggie diggie dum .

Sorry he's so chatty.

I know.

He's got a lotta issues.

Oh, whip pan onto this.

Whip pan onto this. He's...

- What's implausible about it... - Let go.

Whip pan.

Silverware, whip pan. What's the...

Ask him what the aspect ratio is.

I want you to whip pan on this.

Ready? One, two, three.

You're watching...

You're watching somebody who can't let go and control.

Oh, can I not let go?

But I let go on that.

What? No!

- Try it. Try to hit me right in the face. - I'm not gonna hit you.

No.

Oh! God, you're lucky you put that there.

It was dead on.

This is why you need two camera coverage.

Oh, my back.

And by the way, we just made a mess.

Sorry about that, sir.

He's got psychological issues.

And you know, I know...

It's good to laugh 'cause it's the only thing that gets you through it.

Let me just wipe up the apple juice.

I mean, it's unbelievable.

Just...

You have to have fun, and we keep telling him that,

and... and he just doesn't know how.

- Yeah. - Well, his is for sure.

His is definitely for...

Speaking residuals, right now.

Sure, Karen.

- What'd he say? - He said...

Think, okay?

- What did you say? - You... You're the studio.

- Think. - You're the studio.

Triggering residuals.

Right?

But you know what, he's got a mask on so you can just...

Thank you so much.

- Awesome. - Thank you.

This is not for you so get... back off.

Hey, man.

- So... Fuck. - You see?

Everyone's gotta laugh, Will.

- Get the fuck out of my food. - Thank you so much.

I'm so sorry for the...

Okay.

Okay, sure.

Learn something from what he said.

- Let go. - Don't forget the mayo, fat fuck.

Oh, don't worry, I won't.

Do you feel, like, sometimes you miss out on stuff, like, that you're not enjoying life?

- Are you gonna be worried? - No.

On your deathbed you're gonna go "Fuck."

How many sauces you gonna put on that?

- I don't know. - Oops.

- Oopsie. - All right.

Having fun though.

Enjoying my life. It's happening now.

God, you're gonna be so shriveled and zero bone density on your deathbed,

- age 59. - Laughs.

The body of an old fucking man.

The autopsy's gonna be like,

"Ooh, gross. His insides have poured out."

"Nothing holding them together.

This guy's malnourished, what happened?"

The... Oh, my god. You're halfway done with that, and you've taken two bites.

You haven't even finished chewing the first bite and you put a second one in.

Yeah, and make sure you knock it down

with some carbonated beverage that's just gonna, like...

It's just hysteria in your stomach now.

I know.

It's so good.

Look what Sean got.

Here.

Just so you don't have to reach 'cause I see you eyeing them.

No, I had three of 'em, that's enough.

What about your salad?

I'm a big dude. What about it?

When is that happening?

- I'm not gonna eat it. - How 'bout this loaf of bread?

I didn't order that.

- You're not gonna eat the salad? - No.

- I got soup. - Let me have that.

There you go.

- So-shi-me. - Sashimi.

- It's one of the dumbest things ever said. - Oh.

Anyways, this is perfect.

Well what did you think I was gonna do, take pictures of it?

You got a chicken breast?

Uh, the chicken breast can be here, yes, thank you.

And Will would like to sign for that.

- For all of that. - I'd love to.

I'd love to.

Thank you so much.

And he doesn't wanna ask, can you put that bread in his bag,

um, in his room please.

- 'Cause he wants to take it to New York. - After all...

- Yeah, thank you. - After all...

Doesn't want anybody to see it.

If you guys have any of those airplane barf bags too, that'd be great.

Thank you!

- Thank you my friend. - Take care.

- Thank you. - Thank you so much.

- Oh, you're done? - Oh, yeah, oh yeah. Thanks, Sean.

- Sorry. - Just one?

Uh oh, here he goes.

- Oh. - He'll clear the table before we're done eating.

- You're done, right? Okay. - Truly.

Don't get pissed off, Sean.

Sean, relax. He's just doing his... okay.

Enjoy. Thank you so much.

- Thank you. - Love you.

What're you...

Putting the review in already.

- This guy hasn't even left the room. - One star!

Hasn't even left the room yet, wow.

- Um... - Wow, what a hit got off that cookie.

You've got to pace yourself.

I'm on fucking fire.

Fuck that sugar hit me like a fucking freight train.

- How many of those cookies did you put down? - I had one.

And I want two so badly.

- One pull. - I'm gonna be in tears.

You see what I mean? This is what I'm talking about.

Now you're having self-loathing.

- It's a vicious spiral. - No, I'm just... I'm just...

- Hey, does anybody-- - Move on and you go through it.

- We'll talk about it. - You... You get better at moving on.

- We'll talk about it later. - Like an, I don't know,

Fucking moron.

Holy fuck do you need to have everything explained all the time?

He ignited something in me.

He ignites something. He lights my pilot light

- and then it's going. - Did you touch... Did you touch this?

I didn't touch it.

- I coughed in it. - Being paranoid.

Will, listen to me loud and clear,

you have an hour to nap before... before too--

I know I gotta go to bed, I gotta go to bed.

Can you really go to sleep on all that sugar?

Yeah, I'm gonna crash out for 20 minutes.

And then do you take another shower?

Oh.

Wait, that was a serious question.

No.

How do you wake up without a shower?

You're obsessed!

See what I mean?

- He thought he was-- - You're obse--

I go pee. "Do you take a shower?"

- I'll have, like, a bite of, like a cookie. - Amanda.

-"Did you take a shower?" - What're you gonna do?

He's Howard Hughes. He is Howard Hughes.

You married Howard Hughes with no money.

Why?

It was the only good thing about him.

Oh, my god.

Fuck me. Fuck me.

I gotta sleep.

Will, are you sending back old clothes?

Yup.

- Sure am. - Smart.

Let me see.

'Kay. So this had to come down.

- No, let me do it. Let me see. - That's coming down.

It's just supposed to be like this.

Just a normal sweater.

- Here. - But then the tuck in?

- No. Well... - No.

- I gotta untuck it. - Yeah.

Just untuck it, okay.

There, that's how it is, just normal. This is so cute.

I'm so bummed we didn't get to see Boston, really.

'Cause of the weather and logistics and everything.

But it looks pretty cool.

Well, next one.

Next one's New York.

That'll be fun.

We'll walk around and...

...enjoy each other's company some more.

Been a really successful...

Uh.

...tour so far, emotionally.

Oh, but you think it has too much style? I like it.

I mean, there's a lotta color, a lotta zippers.

And I don't really care what Arnett says.

But is that what you're worried about?

Well, not worried so much as anticipating.

Wow. One show, by the way.

We've done one fucking show.

If for some reason we ever get a guest

that decides to flake on us or something,

we just pull somebody random out of the crowd.

That's what somebody else said.

I think it's a really good idea, actually.

- Right? - Amanda.

- Yes, sweets. - Jason just had a good idea.

What?

I'm just saying can you do a press release?

Wait, Jay, we should do--

We should do that anyway.

Oh, 'cause the... the big good ideas are few and far between.

Oof.

Um, all right, this me doing--

He can't even... He can't even follow the thread and thought of his own idea.

- Did you see that? - No, he can't.

He's already... He's so ADD.

- It was a solid idea. - You had an idea, you put it up

and then you just let it go and you walked away from it.

- We gotta go. - Why?

Aren't we leaving at 4 o'clock?

- Yes. - We have to leave right now.

- Yes. - We have to go down right now.

- 'Kay. - One quick thing

I have to digitally sign a check before we leave here.

This takes two seconds.

How long have you guys been married?

- I mean together, not, like, you're married. - We've been together 22 years.

- 22 years. Isn't that amazing. - But married 20.

- Yeah. - And I haven't seen another naked man in 22 years.

- You want to? - Nope.

- All right. Your loss. - Nope. Nope.

One man with the exterior of a human.

Can I help you? It's not a great look.

He has infiltrated.

- Oh, you're gonna drag them? - Yes.

No one knows his secret.

That underneath the artificial flesh and bone...

...he is machine.

Nothing but...

...machine.

- Just sign what you need to sign. - Okay, I did it.

Fuck, it's icy, huh?

- Yikes. - It's nice, nice baby.

- Doing the Ice Ice dance. - Yeah.

Just gonna... I hate to have to make the announcement

that Sean can't be here 'cause of a bit.

- 'Cause of... 'Cause of ice... 'Cause of a Vanilla Ice bit. - Mmm-hmm.

Look at all the zippers!

I'm like a...

Hair is fluffy.

The matching bag is what's killing me.

Hey, it's Indy.

See?

- You know what? I packed the wrong-- - I like it.

- I can't be responsible-- - Will.

- I packed the wrong coat. - ...for the matching bag and the matching jacket.

- I like it. - Is that the one--

- You know I like it. - Can I have one of those mints?

Yeah. Yeah.

You know I like it.

Okay, ready guys? One, two. Willy.

One, two. Wait.

Wait, wait.

Two, three.

We are an hour and a half away from another interview, great.

- I always forget we got to do the actual show. - I know.

I thought that we weren't going to or shouldn't

really, kind of engage with the audience.

It turned out that it's okay for these to be totally different

than our regular podcast.

- Yeah. - And they kind of have to be.

Right. Got it.

And I think they enjoy that.

- Yeah. - And it's nice.

Although having said that, tonight could be a complete...

...snooze fest from an audience standpoint.

And then we just make it more insular.

- Yeah. - Like our...

Yeah, you feel the audience.

It's like, one of these out of the ten shows we're doing,

is gonna be like doing to matinee.

Right, I mean nothing... nothing's gonna be as energetic

as Will Ferrell coming out in a powder blue tuxedo smoking a cigarette.

No.

Yeah, man.

- Thank you very much. - You got it.

Thank you for taking the time.

There you go, you got it guys.

- Thank you, brother. - Go get warm.

- Have a good one. - All right, see you later.

- Hi! - How are you today?

Good, sir, how are you?

Living the dream.

Ooh, there's a piano.

I'm gonna go play.

Hey, um, Marguerite?

I'm just checking: so, Conan's first, right?

- Yes. - Yeah, yeah.

And he's here and...

- He's here. - Right.

And the oboes.

And then the piano.

- Yeah. - Oboes.

- Where are the boys? - They found a piano.

- So I'm comin' to tell ya. - Oh.

It takes me to a place that, like...

You love it?

- Yeah. - What do you love about it?

Classical music takes me into my smallest...

...most intimate, private...

...most centered place.

I love it too.

It's a little bit of a time machine,

because it's exactly what they were hearing back then.

That... That's it.

That was a concert.

Slam it shut!

Look at...

She's the best!

♪ She's simply the best ♪

Just in case.

♪ Better than all the rest ♪

♪ Better than anyone ♪

Okay, good.

This is fine. I... I look like a politician.

Everybody's shutting down.

Is everybody okay?

My guest, uh...

Are you chatting now?

Really could go one of two ways tonight.

Go home.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

Wow.

I think someone needs to take a shower.

Drive him to the hospital.

- If that smells... - It doesn't!

- Hi, buddy! - Good to see ya!

So bummed that we gotta keep you, like, over here

and not fucking around with us,

and not fucking around with us, but the boys don't know that you're here.

but the boys don't know that you're here.

You know what's ingenious about this

"They have no idea" is also code for...

- ...they don't have to do any homework. - Of course.

- Of course, built in. - And I...

I realized that right away.

I was like, "This is kinda sus--

-"Oh." - That's why.

- So. - Yeah.

Like.

- We don't have to do anything. - Yeah.

When it's not your guest you're like, "All right", just show up.

Hello.

Hi, turd buster!

Hi, turd buster!

Fuck you.

Fuck you!

Where are you? Are you in Boston?

- I'm in-- - Fuck you!

I'm in Boston.

That's my hometown. Do you see me?

I do. Give me a good Boston accent.

Yeah, fuck you, motherfucker.

Yeah, that's gonna be wicked-awesome tonight.

You're gonna fuckin' perform your ass off, you motherfucker,

then you'll go get a soda.

But we were talking after the show the other night

and we were all singing your praises

and talking about how much you make us laugh,

- all of us at the table. Yeah. - Oh, that's nice.

And-- and--

Did Will stop it and go, "Uh, not so much."

No, the guy who was delivering the room service did.

He didn't say any--

and he finally piped in and he goes,

"He's not for me. He's not for me."

No, we were talking about how much we love you

and how hilarious you are. And will was gushing.

And then the boys were--

And I was like thinking like, "Oh, they have no idea

that you're-- that we're coming here--" Yeah.

To your hometown,

and that we're gonna embarrass you in front of your hometown.

Yes, right. Beantown.

- Yeah. - You ever heard of that?

No. No.

What you're witnessing here is

the extent of my preparation.

This is basically highlighting stuff off of their Wikipedia page.

- But is this the second show? - Yeah.

So, uh, uh... yeah.

- Half an hour. - I just come out. I got nothin'.

You get nothing. Nothing.

I'll just play with the energy of a crowd

that's really wet and cold.

We're gonna-- We're gonna--

You're gonna have to save this sinking ship when you come out.

Put it that way.

Okay, 'cause we're gonna lose 'em instantly.

Bateman is an audience repellant.

- Yes! That's what I've heard. - You know.

All right. I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette.

Gonna have a ciggy?

'Ello, 'ello, a little ciggy?

I-- Here's my one--

♪ That's the one, "posh" ♪

♪ Traveling nights And traveling nice for me ♪

♪ First stabbin' Captain's quarters ♪

♪ Real company, hey! ♪

♪ Fall out Start 'er down ♪

♪ Posh, with a capital "P" O-S-H ♪

♪ "Posh" ♪

That's killer. That's my opener.

You know, it's good. Just with regards to your characters,

maybe just a few less characters

- when you come on. -"Less."

Okay.

I'm just gonna get in this.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't-- And by the way,

and don't take it the wrong way.

- All right... - Hey. Let's kill it out there.

Kill it.

Fuck you.

Should we turn on the house lights?

- I wanna see like all these people. - Yeah, just for a second.

Wow! Boston!

What?

Hi, everybody!

Thank you for coming. Wow.

Last night, Will made us all cry so hard

because we were eating sushi

- and he-- - Oh, yeah.

- And I kept saying-- - It's so dumb.

- It's so dumb. - It's the greatest dad joke ever.

And I kept saying I didn't have time to make dinner tonight

so I ordered Japanese.

Sashimi.

Not a great delivery.

Sashimi.

I imagine there our guest is gonna try to work it in

because our guest really likes to work in bits

and that sometimes the bits get pretty sweaty.

Is this person specific to Boston?

This person is from Boston.

Is it like a sports person?

- Is it a-- - Yeah, I know you're holding you don't like sports.

But, recently, you've started to enjoy football.

Oh, my God, I love football.

- There we go. - Yeah.

I watch it and I'm like blown away

by the science of the guy throwing the ball

and timing it and the guy catching it.

It's like who can do that?

What do you mean, "Who can do that?"

- Lots of people can do that. - I know, but--

Do you know-- Hang on. Check this out.

Do you know the really famous quarterback that played for the Patriots?

Okay, well, now you're making me look--

No, no, no. Watch this. Watch this. No clue.

- Wait a minute. Uh... - Oh, boy.

- Give me the first-- - First name, Tom.

- Brady! - Hoo.

Oh, wow!

Is that our guest?

Our guest is not Tom Brady.

Our guest is like the opposite of Tom Brady.

This person is a clown.

A clown?

This person has lived in many cities after Boston.

This person lived in Chicago.

Worked in California.

- Wrote on The Simpsons-- - Conan?

Wrote on Saturday Night Live...

- No way! - ...Mr. Conan O'Brien!

What kind of show business are you running

where you tell a Boston crowd

it may be Tom Brady?

And I'm backstage,

and my dick goes up inside my body.

Even further?

Further!

Further than it already was!

I'm backstage like, "What?" And the crowd's like, "Yes!"

The greatest Boston Sports hero of all time, you guys.

He's like, "No.

Not him.

Kind of the opposite."

You know, I would like to know,

as we spoke during the last two years during the pandemic,

you chose to do something a little different with your hair

and now you're going back to the original...

- That's a great place to start. - No, it goes back and forth.

No, no. I don't know what it looks like

because it is raining ice outside.

Yeah.

And, uh, this podcast doesn't spend a lot of dough.

Wow.

We got you an umbrella, didn't we?

No, no, no. You sent me half an umbrella.

Jason, your resting stance

is to have your hand on your dick.

- No! It's cold outside. - I swear to God,

it's looking at me. If I was on the subway,

and you were sitting opposite me and doing that,

I would call the police.

He's like this.

"Hey, what's going on with your hair?

What's with your hair, buddy?"

How do you-- why did you put up with that?

I don't mind that.

There we go.

The first thing I wanna get to,

and this is a bit of a touchy subject,

your Christmas party, you didn't invite Bateman.

Oh, yeah, let's get into this.

So Jimmy and I were there at your party

and then we went over to our other friend's after,

and Bateman's like, "Why are you guys so late?"

And I said, "Oh, we were at Conan's."

"Oh, you were at Conan's Christmas party?

And, what, my phone number doesn't work?"

Yeah. Everybody at this other party

was either fresh from your party

or set to leave for your party.

- Everybody. - I can explain to you

- in one quick gesture. - There were 400 people.

Yeah. There's one--

This is all so real.

There is a very simple reason why you have not been invited to my Christmas party

and why you will never be invited to my Christmas party.

And that's that you came to my house one time--

- No. - And you sat down-- Yes, you did.

And you planted yourself in the corner...

...hand on cock.

Wait. I wanna ask you something,

because you've been so successful at being

one of the funniest, if not, they funniest host of all time.

And I think-- and, um...

- No, no, no. - Yeah.

Even the best audio editor in the world

can't fix that gap...

...between what Sean said

and an entire Wang Center filled with Bostonians going,

"Mmm... yeah..."

What is it about hosting and interviewing people?

Have you ever gotten tired of just like, ay, ay, ay,

- the forum of-- Yeah. - Interviewing.

I find this to be, uh, really fun.

When I leave a stage like this,

I'll think this tonight the first thing I leave,

A, I'll think, "I was not paid."

Uh, but I will-- I--

The thing I will think about when I leave is

"This is not a job."

You know, you find three people,

any one of whom I'd be delighted to hang out with

and screw around with.

- This is how we-- - But only invite two to a party.

Well...

Hand off cock, and maybe...

the invitations start to flow. Um...

But was there ever a point where it did feel laborious

- and you're like-- Yeah. - Yes.

Um...

a little bit right there. Uh...

So, what do you say the ratio is

between guests that stick to the questions,

because of their comfort level or lack of conversation skills--

'Cause for-- for Tracey, um,

when-- when, um--

Yeah, let's hear it for Tracey.

We are, just as a quick sideline,

we are going to see Tracey soon, aren't we?

- Yeah, we're gonna see Tracey next week. - We're really excited

- we're gonna see Tracey. - And for those who don't know,

Tracey is Sean's sister

who doesn't know a lot about the business,

and so we always have to do an aside--

Oh, wait, well, now we're doing for people

- who don't know who Tracey... - Yeah. Exact.

This got so fucking meta, man.

- So, um... - Wow. So, anyway.

So, there, so you-- you usually, um,

you don't predetermine how the interview's gonna go--

Can I ask a question? You guys, famously,

and it's a brilliant idea and I'm a big fan of the show,

uh, two of you never know who the guest is

so you're not prepared...

- Correct. - ...have you ever been talking to someone

and you just didn't even know who they were?

Yes.

Who?

Well, I don't wanna say.

That's hilarious.

Grandma doesn't really know a lot.

Well, we're on Zoom when we do it, as you know,

and so there's been like a couple times in the last two years

- that I didn't know who the person was-- - How many times?

Maybe like ten.

And the--

And so the person will show up

on-- you know, and they'll be like,

Jason or Will will be like, "And it's..." so-and-so!

I'm like, "Oh, my gosh!"

And I'd google immediately.

And you could hear the typing.

That was fun guys. That's a great crowd, too.

I wish they came, but this weather...

You're so sweet to come all the way.

He walked, too.

That was so good.

- That was so good. - Yeah, that was great.

This is only our second show.

We gotta do another one.

- Who's next? - I can't tell you.

- Oh, you can't. Oh, right! - I don't know.

My message to you guys,

"If it's not broke, don't fix it."

Wait, wait. Get a pen, you guys. Somebody write that down.

Are you for fucking real?

- That's your fucking advice? - Hit him. Hit him.

Hey, thanks, Ted Lasso.

How's your focus point?

Your focus point skills?

How long are you gonna keep doing your podcast?

'Cause it might be nice if I came over

and we partnered on that one.

- And then... - You kind of let this go.

- But then, you-- - No, no. That way, we could--

I don't have to split that three ways.

We could just split this two ways.

I see.

Do you wanna think-- Don't answer now.

Let's get the next guest in here. Thanks, man.

Um... we--

That's show business!

Don't you get it?

That's comin' down in about an hour.

- Oh, yeah. - As soon as we go up. Oh.

They're like, "Let's scrub this place of any..."

"Any of those guys."

Now, with a nine o'clock audience,

do you think these people are half in the bag?

Oh, yeah. I didn't think about that.

Wow.

Well...

Look at you guys!

Wow.

So nice of you guys.

I mean, it's late

Everybody's half drunk, right?

You guys--

They had to get to dinner and get a couple of pops.

Yeah. Nothing spreads Covid like alcohol and non-space.

- Yeah. - Use your mask! Don't take a chance!

Come on, man.

Um...

All right, so, I wanted to tap into the brain power of this city.

Okay?

- We got a big brain comin' out. - Uh-oh.

This fella has a master's and a PhD from Berkeley.

Do you-- you have an issue with this?

No, just, we got a lot of milling around going on there.

I just wanna-- I mean--

Um, fellas, he's a Fellow at Princeton.

He has tenure at Penn.

He arrived here at MIT in 2004

where he still works today.

He does it all from physics to cosmology

to quantum stuff in computers.

He's gonna explain what it is--

Will Ferrell.

Please welcome a guy who can definitely make us all more smart,

not less smart--

Smartless, you get it?

Max Tegmark!

What?

- Max! - Hey!

- Max Tegmark! - How are you, man?

- Such a pleasure. - Nice to meet you, sir.

- Come on! - The pleasure is all mine.

This is so exciting.

Now, can you do a better job than I just did

of explaining what it is that you do?

What is-- first of all, how do you introduce yourself--

call yourself what you do?

Well, it depends on what I want.

Like, if I'm on a long flight

and I just wanna be left alone...

- Pedophile. Oh. - Physics.

- Right. - Then five hours of silence.

- But you are a-- Yeah? - Whereas, if I wanna talk,

I'd be, "Oh, astronomy."

And they'll be like, "Oh! I'm a Virgo."

- Oh. Nice. - Right.

Or maybe if I say cosmology,

they'll get talking about eyeliner

- and makeup and-- - Are you really all those things?

In a quantum superposition,

nah, I'm really just a very curious guy

who's very curious about big questions.

So I've spent much of my career

thinking about these big questions

about our universe, kind of, out there.

And in the last five years,

my TV show, Scoop, has shifted entirely

on the universe in here.

- In here? - What's intelligence, really?

- I have nothing-- - Don't look in there.

I'm dark matter.

You started at the wrong spot. You know what I mean?

So in the class that you-- You don't-- Do you teach?

Oh, yeah, I'm glad to be.

So you teach a class in...

Audio!

Oh, maybe there's some students I tortured here.

You cannot hear him?

No!

How about now?

No?

How about this? Watch this.

- Look at this. - See?

There's intelligence. I told you

Don't you mount him.

So what else is going on?

How about now?

One, two...

You guys, fuck it. Brady, right?

I mean, that's nuts.

Yeah.

- And, uh... - That's where it was.

- So this is exactly... - I've got tears in my eyes, for sure.

...because, you know, you have all these people saying,

"Oh, let's just build more technology.

It's always gonna work. Trust us." You know.

And then, uh...

- How about now? - Really?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

All right. So the class you teach is...

The most of my time I spend actually doing research

on artificial intelligence.

- Okay. Okay, good. - Okay.

By the way, when somebody says "AI,"

all I picture are those mechanical dogs that walk around.

And they don't really-- they don't really do anything.

It's just like, "Oh, look, we invented a robot dog

and it doesn't really do anything."

So, I wanna...

I wanna know, like, what's the next thing

- that we can use it like-- - Is it mechanical cats?

The truth is, despite through all the hype,

is that artificial intelligence is still mostly pretty dumb.

Well, shouldn't we keep it dumb?

'Cause if we let it get too smart, etcetera--

Yeah, because remember that thing about Facebook

where they started doing like AI technology

and they started talking to each other

and they shut it down? Is that true?

- 'Cause they were gossiping. - Yeah.

It's true, but people often ask me, you know,

if we should fear AI or be excited about it.

The answer in obviously both.

Right? AI is like any technology.

It's not evil or good.

If I ask you, like, "What about fire?

How do you feel? Are you for it or against it?"

Like, what are you gonna say?

Right, it can hurt if you use it incorrectly.

Exactly. And the same thing with all tech--

The only difference is...

that AI is gonna be the most powerful technology ever.

I mean, look, why is it that we humans here

are the most powerful species on this planet?

Fuckin' eh.

Is it because we have some bigger biceps?

Sharper teeth than the tigers?

No. It's 'cause we're smarter, right?

So, obviously, if we make machines that are way smarter than us,

then it's either gonna be the best thing ever,

- or the worst thing ever. - Yeah.

- So-- so-- so-- - My question is--

- Go ahead, Will. - When it's the worst thing ever,

by the time it becomes the worst thing ever,

then we're fucked.

You look like the most nervous out of the three--

I'm very nervous.

Is that-- you know, you have this ever-smarter thing--

I'm very nervous about AI. Thank you.

And, uh, you don't know how it works.

And, uh, that means should you really, really trust it?

- Right. - There are three things you're gonna need.

The first, you're gonna need the AI to understand our human goals

and then get it to actually adopt to goals

and then to actually keep those goals

as it gets smarter.

And if you think about it for a little longer,

each of these are like really hard.

Suppose you tell your future self

driving a car to take you to Logan Airport

as fast as possible,

and then you get there covered in vomit,

then chased by helicopters,

you're gonna be like, "No, no, no. That's not what I meant."

And the car goes like...

That's exactly what you asked for.

See? They do talk like that.

Literally.

You know, Hollywood,

it makes us associate the AI so much with robots.

But the biggest impact right now

AI's having is actually not robots at all.

It's just software, right?

Like, most of AI in the US is used by social media companies

to manipulate you guys

to watch as many ads as possible, right?

Uh, but figuring out the truth is like really hard.

Even the best scientists.

Like, Isaac Newton was a pretty smart guy, right?

Turned out he was wrong about gravity.

And we all believed it.

And then Einstein came along and said, "Nope,"

- Fuck you. - ...you know.

So we were doing this thing where we use machine learning

to read thousands and thousand of articles every day

and extract out all the actual predictions.

And then we keep track of 'em

and see which ones actually turned out to be true

later when it was uncontroversial.

This is the same idea we use in the science literature.

You can't just make stuff up.

You have to show them the data so they can check it.

Sean, your best robot voice. Go. Quick.

Do you want to play a game of War?

Do you want to play a game?

That's it!

How was it? How was that?

Different.

- No. - Did you watch from the sides?

I watched from the sides.

- How'd it seem? - Different. He's not a comedian.

I just wanted to get an academic

- while we were in this incredible city. - Yeah.

And the audience,

you know, I can hear them talking all the way through it.

Not-- The second show, yes.

- Yeah. - But why are they mic'd?

They're not. It's just the acoustics.

- Oh, really? - But, Jay, I said to Will when we were walking away,

uh, not to beat a dead horse,

but that kind of audience after fucking O'Brien

second show on a Saturday,

it's always the trickiest.

He should have been the earlier guest.

- Yeah. - Yes.

Listen, there were some great moments in there,

asking real questions that were fucking great

and interesting, and us fucking around,

and like, literally, and then Sean going,

"Are we going to Mars? Yes or no."

Yes-or-no answer.

And his answer was yes.

Yeah, I wonder what the Brooklyn audiences are gonna be like.

Yeah.

Basically, there's something wrong with our plane.

Ah, man.