Original subtitles

(waves crashing)

God.

How can I believe that I'm loved

when I've been trying for so long?

I'm not a terrible person.

How do I let go?

How do I believe that I'm worth it?

In your great name I pray.

Amen.

I started noticing feelings

for other guys in like 8th grade.

Just like being around my good surfer friends

and that's kind of when I started praying.

I started thinking about this, like, in a way,

like, this doesn't seem like a phase anymore.

My name is Santiago Gonzales IV,

and I go to a small Christian university

in San Diego, California.

I'll be the first person from my family

to graduate from college.

The biggest hurdles of this week will be

the different parts of my life coming together.

Santi and I have been dating for about 10 months now

but to say that we're an openly gay couple

is a bit of a misnomer because we're pretty closed,

based on pretty much me, I'd say

because of my jobs and affiliation with all the different

groups on campus that still abide my handbook rules.

I mean, Point Loma University functions

by Nazarene ethics and rules

and so I signed a contract coming into Point Loma

talking about drugs and alcohol and all that stuff,

but it also talked about things like pornography

and sexual orientation and sexuality in general.

And as I fell in love with a man,

I had to develop my own identity

and beliefs and trust those,

instead of focusing so much

on how other people define my relationship with God.

But I think one of the biggest excitements for me is

that I get to meet Santi's family

and that my parents are coming down for graduation, too.

And so about a month ago I warned them, I was like,

"Hey, you guys are coming down for graduation,

I know you are gonna be here for the whole week beforehand,

it would mean a whole lot to me if you would be willing

to have dinner with Santi and me.

It doesn't have to be super deep

or super intense conversation, it's just like,

I want you to know Santi's last name,

I want you to know what his face looks like

and how we interact together.

A couple of days ago, they called me again and said,

"We would like to do that, but we want

to make it really clear, Austin, you are our son,

and so we want to support you,

but we do not support this relationship with Santi, at all.

[Santi] The fact that I got to go to college

in the first place,

I think that's just such a awesome opportunity

to be around people that really try to nurture our faith.

[Girl's Voice] Can I dip the bread in the juice?

[Santiago] It's been somewhat blessed, I prayed over it.

You prayed over it?

Just a little bit.

[Santiago Voiceover] I think the Church is supposed to be

this place of, this is who you are, and you are fully loved.

And I feel like it's almost in parenthesis.

To become a normal person

is to accept Jesus Christ into your life.

I think that alone creates a lot of tension

between Christians and non-Christians.

[Pastor] Lord, we're in awe of your provision and grace,

thank you for the hospitality of our host

and for the courage of every team member,

and lead us into saying yes to your invitation to love

our brothers and sisters around the world.

Throughout my experience of growing up

I had a couple of different friend groups

just because I never really felt like I fit in,

whether it was with my Latino friends

or my gay-affirming friends

or my Christian friends,

I felt like there was one part of me I could express,

or like a couple of different parts,

but never my full self because people wouldn't really

understand all of it in each friend group.

With my Christian friends that were like, dominantly white,

for them being Mexican was like Nacho Libre to them.

I see that stereotype and I like to make fun of it too,

but when you only see the stereotype,

that's when it becomes a problem.

[Santiago] Yeah, I just have like one spot of dandruff.

Just one?

But I kind of like it.

[Santiago Voiceover] One of the places

that I found myself most comfortable

was with my Latina female friends.

My sexuality, like I could bring that up and like,

they didn't care and they seemed more open about it.

[Lecturer] As a borrower, you agree to repay your loans,

make monthly payments on time,

direct all correspondence to your lender slash servicer,

notify the lender or servicer of any and all changes,

including your name, address -

[Santiago] In high school, I didn't feel

those voices of shame in my life.

I was just a shy person.

I remember praying to God a lot

while I was coming to terms with my sexuality.

I began to feel the expectations of the way

some of the people in my Christian community

viewed right and wrong.

But I never felt that my sexuality

and my Christian faith were in conflict

with the love of God that I had experienced.

I'm so sorry.

Viewer discretion is advised.

[Austin Voiceover] Hey Santi,

I just got off the phone with my parents

and they didn't necessarily say that

they wouldn't have dinner with us

but that if they did, it would be convince you and me

of why we shouldn't be in a relationship.

Even though I know they believe that it's right

and that what they're doing is right,

it's just hard for me to keep saying like,

"We don't have to talk about Santi."

All of you are people that I really love

but they're asking me to choose, you know.

And I think the hardest thing right now is to realize that

I really deeply do want to have dinner

with you and my parents

but I also don't want you to ever be

treated like you're not being valued as a person

and that you're just someone

that they're trying to convince is wrong

for being in love with me

and that I'm wrong for being in love with you.

[Santiago] If that's something that

they feel they need to to then, yeah,

I'm willing to be there for you.

When I think of me and Linus I think of someone

who fights for who they are.

Culture is trying to tell us that

you should dress a certain way,

you should act a certain way,

you should be buff, you shouldn't cry,

you should have sex with tons of women.

But I fell like they're just boxes we get tossed into,

whether by our families or by our peers or by our teachers.

And as you grow, you start naming things about yourself

and you start becoming those things.

In 9th grade, I didn't know how

to navigate the sexual attraction part

and just being a 9th grade boy was like, urges,

and you have to talk about those things.

So, I came out to my youth pastor

and he never tried to fix me, he just listened to me

and hugged me and gave me that strength

to know that I was loved.

And eventually I ended up

telling my mom and my dad and my sister.

They were confused by it, well my dad, his sister's gay,

but he had these ideas of what it meant to be a man

that were so deeply rooted from Mexican culture,

these different norms that are enforced upon Mexican males.

And so for him it was just like, his sister, that's okay,

she's a woman, but like, when it came to his son,

he was just very disappointed, I think.

I have struggled figuring out how to balance

being Mexican and being American.

I would say I'm a Chicano by definition

but by sentiment I feel like I relate more to my parents

in the sense that they were born and raised in Mexico

and then immigrated and I identify more with that

than the Chicano definition of like,

born and raised in the United States with Mexican roots,

even though that is me.

[Santiago's mother] Bravo! Bravo!

Thank you very much.

[Santiago Voiceover] Both my parents

didn't have a college education.

My dad was kinda like stereotypically Mexican macho man.

[Santiago's Mother] Are you from United States of America?

[Santiago Voiceover] There's definitely pressure on me

to provide for your family

and be able to protect them.

[Austin voiceover] Santi, I just talked to my parents

and they told me that it's okay

that us not having dinner tonight

means that there's gonna be a divide

between us as a couple and them as my parents

and that it's okay that we're not going

to be spending Christmas and Thanksgiving together.

And I think that to hear my dad say that it's okay

that we're not going to spend really important days together

in the future, just made me feel really small.

Like everyone goes through this

so it's not really that big of a deal, you know.

You know that I love you, so that makes it okay.

I think I have faith that, if they met me,

if they talked to me face to face

and told me those things to my face,

I think it would be different.

By meeting me, I'm no longer this distant thing

but I become a human, they see a face.

She already said Santi will never be welcome at our house,

you know, he'll never be able to come through our front door

and be welcome in it.

[Woman's Voice] You're graduating!

It's the morning of graduation!

Hey scaredy cat.

Woo!

(lively music)

(cheering)

After graduating, my family is throwing a party

to celebrate, and Austin will be there, too.

[Woman's Voice] Toast! Toast! Toast!

Everyone, this is Austin.

[Group Cheering] Austin! Austin! Austin!

What do I say?

Just why we love Santi?

Okay, well hi everybody, I'm Austin.

Nice to meet you all.

Wow, "Why do I love Santi?"

Austin maybe you're gonna feel better if I like do this.

So Santi and I met for the first time, Freshman year,

and didn't think much of it

but at the same time,

he was someone I wanted to talk to

and just get to know a little bit.

And that didn't really happen until,

I think the next time I saw you you were surfing,

we were out in the ocean and I was like freaking out

because I'd never been surfing before,

so I went over to him and I was like,

"Santi, teach me how to surf."

And that's when I started to think, okay,

this kids's pretty cool, he's so calm and pensive,

and that's the opposite of me,

I'm very eccentric and out there.

So it was really attractive to me

as he was someone who was so thoughtful

and I think that's something really special

that you bring to my life.

Stopping and slowing down when so often

I want to run through everything.

But knowing to just appreciate people for who they are

and I know you love me and I know I love you, too.

(cheering)

[Santiago] The closer I get to God,

the more I seek truth and reconciliation

between the parts of me that seem

to conflict or fight one another.

The more it seems that God just wants me to let go

and accept myself.

(waves crashing)