All language subtitles for Saltwater.Baptism.2018.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.x264-ZTR

(waves crashing)

God.

How can I believe that I'm loved

when I've been trying for so long?

I'm not a terrible person.

How do I let go?

How do I believe that I'm worth it?

In your great name I pray.

Amen.

I started noticing feelings

for other guys in like 8th grade.

Just like being around
my good surfer friends

and that's kind of when I started praying.

I started thinking about
this, like, in a way,

like, this doesn't seem
like a phase anymore.

My name is Santiago Gonzales IV,

and I go to a small Christian university

in San Diego, California.

I'll be the first person from my family

to graduate from college.

The biggest hurdles of this week will be

the different parts of
my life coming together.

Santi and I have been dating
for about 10 months now

but to say that we're an openly gay couple

is a bit of a misnomer
because we're pretty closed,

based on pretty much me, I'd say

because of my jobs and
affiliation with all the different

groups on campus that still
abide my handbook rules.

I mean, Point Loma University functions

by Nazarene ethics and rules

and so I signed a contract
coming into Point Loma

talking about drugs and
alcohol and all that stuff,

but it also talked about
things like pornography

and sexual orientation
and sexuality in general.

And as I fell in love with a man,

I had to develop my own identity

and beliefs and trust those,

instead of focusing so much

on how other people define
my relationship with God.

But I think one of the
biggest excitements for me is

that I get to meet Santi's family

and that my parents are coming
down for graduation, too.

And so about a month ago
I warned them, I was like,

"Hey, you guys are coming
down for graduation,

I know you are gonna be here
for the whole week beforehand,

it would mean a whole lot to
me if you would be willing

to have dinner with Santi and me.

It doesn't have to be super deep

or super intense
conversation, it's just like,

I want you to know Santi's last name,

I want you to know what his face looks like

and how we interact together.

A couple of days ago, they
called me again and said,

"We would like to do that, but we want

to make it really clear,
Austin, you are our son,

and so we want to support you,

but we do not support this
relationship with Santi, at all.

[Santi] The fact that
I got to go to college

in the first place,

I think that's just such
a awesome opportunity

to be around people that really
try to nurture our faith.

[Girl's Voice] Can I dip
the bread in the juice?

[Santiago] It's been somewhat
blessed, I prayed over it.

You prayed over it?

Just a little bit.

[Santiago Voiceover] I think
the Church is supposed to be

this place of, this is who you
are, and you are fully loved.

And I feel like it's almost in parenthesis.

To become a normal person

is to accept Jesus Christ into your life.

I think that alone creates a lot of tension

between Christians and non-Christians.

[Pastor] Lord, we're in awe
of your provision and grace,

thank you for the hospitality of our host

and for the courage of every team member,

and lead us into saying yes
to your invitation to love

our brothers and sisters around the world.

Throughout my experience of growing up

I had a couple of different friend groups

just because I never
really felt like I fit in,

whether it was with my Latino friends

or my gay-affirming friends

or my Christian friends,

I felt like there was one
part of me I could express,

or like a couple of different parts,

but never my full self
because people wouldn't really

understand all of it in each friend group.

With my Christian friends that
were like, dominantly white,

for them being Mexican was
like Nacho Libre to them.

I see that stereotype and I
like to make fun of it too,

but when you only see the stereotype,

that's when it becomes a problem.

[Santiago] Yeah, I just have
like one spot of dandruff.

Just one?

But I kind of like it.

[Santiago Voiceover] One of the places

that I found myself most comfortable

was with my Latina female friends.

My sexuality, like I could
bring that up and like,

they didn't care and they
seemed more open about it.

[Lecturer] As a borrower,
you agree to repay your loans,

make monthly payments on time,

direct all correspondence to
your lender slash servicer,

notify the lender or servicer
of any and all changes,

including your name, address -

[Santiago] In high school, I didn't feel

those voices of shame in my life.

I was just a shy person.

I remember praying to God a lot

while I was coming to
terms with my sexuality.

I began to feel the expectations of the way

some of the people in
my Christian community

viewed right and wrong.

But I never felt that my sexuality

and my Christian faith were in conflict

with the love of God
that I had experienced.

I'm so sorry.

Viewer discretion is advised.

[Austin Voiceover] Hey Santi,

I just got off the phone with my parents

and they didn't necessarily say that

they wouldn't have dinner with us

but that if they did, it
would be convince you and me

of why we shouldn't be in a relationship.

Even though I know they
believe that it's right

and that what they're doing is right,

it's just hard for me to keep saying like,

"We don't have to talk about Santi."

All of you are people that I really love

but they're asking me to choose, you know.

And I think the hardest thing
right now is to realize that

I really deeply do want to have dinner

with you and my parents

but I also don't want you to ever be

treated like you're not
being valued as a person

and that you're just someone

that they're trying to convince is wrong

for being in love with me

and that I'm wrong for
being in love with you.

[Santiago] If that's something that

they feel they need to to then, yeah,

I'm willing to be there for you.

When I think of me and
Linus I think of someone

who fights for who they are.

Culture is trying to tell us that

you should dress a certain way,

you should act a certain way,

you should be buff, you shouldn't cry,

you should have sex with tons of women.

But I fell like they're just
boxes we get tossed into,

whether by our families or by
our peers or by our teachers.

And as you grow, you start
naming things about yourself

and you start becoming those things.

In 9th grade, I didn't know how

to navigate the sexual attraction part

and just being a 9th
grade boy was like, urges,

and you have to talk about those things.

So, I came out to my youth pastor

and he never tried to fix
me, he just listened to me

and hugged me and gave me that strength

to know that I was loved.

And eventually I ended up

telling my mom and my dad and my sister.

They were confused by it,
well my dad, his sister's gay,

but he had these ideas of
what it meant to be a man

that were so deeply rooted
from Mexican culture,

these different norms that are
enforced upon Mexican males.

And so for him it was just
like, his sister, that's okay,

she's a woman, but like,
when it came to his son,

he was just very disappointed, I think.

I have struggled figuring
out how to balance

being Mexican and being American.

I would say I'm a Chicano by definition

but by sentiment I feel like
I relate more to my parents

in the sense that they were
born and raised in Mexico

and then immigrated and
I identify more with that

than the Chicano definition of like,

born and raised in the United
States with Mexican roots,

even though that is me.

[Santiago's mother] Bravo! Bravo!

Thank you very much.

[Santiago Voiceover] Both my parents

didn't have a college education.

My dad was kinda like
stereotypically Mexican macho man.

[Santiago's Mother] Are you
from United States of America?

[Santiago Voiceover] There's
definitely pressure on me

to provide for your family

and be able to protect them.

[Austin voiceover] Santi,
I just talked to my parents

and they told me that it's okay

that us not having dinner tonight

means that there's gonna be a divide

between us as a couple
and them as my parents

and that it's okay that we're not going

to be spending Christmas
and Thanksgiving together.

And I think that to hear
my dad say that it's okay

that we're not going to spend
really important days together

in the future, just made
me feel really small.

Like everyone goes through this

so it's not really that
big of a deal, you know.

You know that I love you,
so that makes it okay.

I think I have faith that, if they met me,

if they talked to me face to face

and told me those things to my face,

I think it would be different.

By meeting me, I'm no
longer this distant thing

but I become a human, they see a face.

She already said Santi will
never be welcome at our house,

you know, he'll never be able
to come through our front door

and be welcome in it.

[Woman's Voice] You're graduating!

It's the morning of graduation!

Hey scaredy cat.

Woo!

(lively music)

(cheering)

After graduating, my
family is throwing a party

to celebrate, and Austin
will be there, too.

[Woman's Voice] Toast! Toast! Toast!

Everyone, this is Austin.

[Group Cheering] Austin! Austin! Austin!

What do I say?

Just why we love Santi?

Okay, well hi everybody, I'm Austin.

Nice to meet you all.

Wow, "Why do I love Santi?"

Austin maybe you're gonna
feel better if I like do this.

So Santi and I met for the
first time, Freshman year,

and didn't think much of it

but at the same time,

he was someone I wanted to talk to

and just get to know a little bit.

And that didn't really happen until,

I think the next time I
saw you you were surfing,

we were out in the ocean
and I was like freaking out

because I'd never been surfing before,

so I went over to him and I was like,

"Santi, teach me how to surf."

And that's when I started to think, okay,

this kids's pretty cool,
he's so calm and pensive,

and that's the opposite of me,

I'm very eccentric and out there.

So it was really attractive to me

as he was someone who was so thoughtful

and I think that's something really special

that you bring to my life.

Stopping and slowing down when so often

I want to run through everything.

But knowing to just appreciate
people for who they are

and I know you love me and
I know I love you, too.

(cheering)

[Santiago] The closer I get to God,

the more I seek truth and reconciliation

between the parts of me that seem

to conflict or fight one another.

The more it seems that God
just wants me to let go

and accept myself.

(waves crashing)