Original subtitles

(rock music)

[Naomi] We're always gonna be the minority.

We're always gonna be the slum,

the people that we wanna get rid of.

But if you don't live it, then you'll never know.

♫ You just don't like the way that I live

♫ You just don't like the way that I live.

♫ The way that I live

Even when I was telling myself, "I'm gay,"

there was still something missing.

And when I tried on girls' clothing,

I just felt more comfortable.

I felt like, yeah, I like this.

I'm not embarrassed by it.

If I had a dick, I'd be the happiest man in the world.

If I could walk around shirtless and not have breasts,

I would be so much happier than I am now.

♫ I just don't like the things that you do

I got a different identity.

I'm not just a transsexual woman.

I'm a woman,

I'm a daughter.

I'm a girlfriend.

♫ You just don't like the things that I say

♫ The things that I say

I'm not only gay, I'm transgender, you know?

Some people call it gender fucking.

And I like to mess around with those little lines

that no one really messes around with.

(train cars clattering)

I pretty much denied myself being gay

until I was about 14.

I knew I was really feminine,

even for a gay guy, you know?

At first, it was like,

I wore fitted clothing that were guys'.

And then I wore girl shirts but guy-fitted pants.

And then next you know, I just wore my first girl outfit,

and I felt totally comfortable.

It was like, you know,

I was actually a whole person now.

I can go outside and not feel embarrassed.

I remember this.

All the good times and the bad times. (laughs)

Mostly the bad times.

I hated this school.

I think I still do, in a way.

This is kindergarten.

This is first.

This is second, and this is third.

You see, he look more bigger.

Tod was very quiet kid.

He loved coloring.

Sometimes he'd play with my makeup.

He loved long t-shirts. Twirl around.

So, you know, the doubt was there, but I said maybe not.

Maybe he'll grow out of it.

It doesn't even look like a boy there.

He loved Batman.

I used to ask him every day, "Who are you?"

He was all, "Batman."

I used to put him in karate school.

He's in the middle right here.

And then he didn't wanna no more.

Said it was too rough.

So I had to take him out.

You know, when you're younger you don't really

have to worry about certain things.

But then as I got older, more things occurred.

People knew what being homosexual was.

It was pretty hard, telling my mom.

And then when I did, it seemed like she accepted it,

but she tried to protect me, like, so much,

that she was like closing me in a box.

Look at Tod with his sister.

Ain't he look good there? Or what?

You know, you could be gay,

but you don't have to reveal it, right?

You could still look handsome.

They still would want you that way too.

I think so, that's my opinion.

You know what I mean?

Get outta the closet, but still wear pants.

I didn't go like that.

He think that nobody...

Don't understand.

I do understand him, but he's just pushing it.

He gotta slow down.

He just went quick up there,

and he wanna go even faster.

Palace Park.

(upbeat music)

I know she still has her little concerns about it.

She still has her little uncomfortableness about it.

But she's willing to try.

My dad, he was really hard on me,

because he couldn't deal with the fact I was gay.

He'd tell me that he doesn't like the way I dress,

he called me a faggot.

I couldn't believe that he would say something like that.

Say something so strong to say

that I'm just a fucking faggot,

was just so hard, like,

I never had anyone ever tell me that.

Not even the people who disliked me the most.

And to have my father say it was just like, wow.

It was something I couldn't handle.

I traveled around for a while, hitchhiking here and there.

I just basically lived on the streets.

When I first got off the train in Penn Station,

I about had heart attack.

Culture shock, right there.

New Orleans is big, Phoenix is big,

but nothing's like New York City.

This is my hell hole.

It's really messy.

Really, really messy.

Very well lived in.

Me?

I've known I was gay since I was 5, so...

You know, I've always been attracted to women.

There's only been one man I was really attracted to

and that was David Bowie.

That's only because he looks better as a woman than I do.

You know? He's hot.

That's me as a woman.

Yeah, that's me with my natural hair

when I don't blow-dry it or nothin'.

It's really gross-looking, really ill.

I came out to my entire school

by taking my girlfriend at the time to a school dance.

The minute they found out you're gay,

you're gone out of the circle.

My dad

didn't take it the best in the world.

I don't wanna talk too much about that,

'cause I actually just started talkin' to my dad last week.

And we're actually tryin' to make amends with one another.

Wave, Grandma.

Wave, Grandpa.

My grandparents are absolutely cool with it.

They're cool with it.

They love it.

Like, they're the type of people,

"Oh, send me a picture of you and your girlfriend."

My grandfather, he's like the man.

He's like the man I wanna be.

That's my grandpa.

Why I don't look like my grandpa,

I'm never gonna understand.

Please, work with me.

I wanna show them if I had to have...

If I got a male body tomorrow, I wanna show them

the male body that I would like.

Oh, my God, you're hairy.

Yes, I am hairy.

Look at that chest hair. Hold up.

Eww, my brother is a hairy ape.

(squealing)

[Woman] Aww, brotherly sisterly love.

(laughing)

Made her pee!

[Woman] You can go pee now, David!

Just something about being called David

that feels right, you know?

It's like, I'm not sure about my gender identity

at the moment, but still,

I hate being called Cassidy, you know?

It's like...

That part of me's dead.

It can be very hard to find your identity,

try to find yourself.

Try to find out where you fit.

How to fit.

When all these people tells you

you're a faggot, bitch, cunt.

And then you start repeating those words

if you wanna fit in.

You get used to them.

Be careful.

[Friend] Yeah, be careful.

Be careful.

Don't look at their face.

Yo! Fuck you, take the oath.

(glass shattering)

You gotta be careful, 'cause they're throwing bottles.

You gotta be careful.

[Friend] Be careful, puta.

This is so sad.

This is so fuckin' sad.

Sometimes that's the reason why I got a attitude.

In life, and that's the reason I

sometimes behave in ways that I

never expected I would behave,

because of the way people treated me

when I was young and the way they still treat me.

It says...

Oh, she wants the cookie.

(laughing)

When I was young, when I was a kid,

I never felt I belonged

with the boys.

They were so... rough and brutal.

Did I feel like a girl? No.

I didn't feel like a girl because

they didn't raise me like a girl.

They didn't tell me, "Well, wear a dress, use pink."

No.

They were training me

to be a boy.

But I didn't feel I belonged with the boys.

So it was more the feeling

of something that was absent.

It was more something that was not there.

This is not me.

But this right here?

This is a mask that I'm getting rid of.

This is me, right here.

This is how I feel comfortable.

Being feminine,

being able to say that I'm woman.

This is my graduation picture from eighth grade.

Oh, God, this is

me when I started my freshman year

at Talents Unlimited High School.

I'm about to become a woman,

and I'm very excited about that.

Back then I had an idea what is it

that I wanted for me and my life.

I just didn't know it had a name,

and it was gonna be such a challenging experience for me.

(rock music)

I like to gender fuck.

Like, I'll go out wearing these tight shirts

lookin' like a man, but yet my breasts are out and shit.

What happened is, like,

I was at the center and they would talk about trans stuff,

and they brought up F to M.

At the end, I was like, "Oh my God, that's me."

You know, like, whoa.

(whistling)

[Woman] Hi, how are you?

Hi, how you guys doing?

If I was to get surgery

with what we have available right now,

I would get...

I can't pronounce it.

The mastectomy, or like, where,

you know, I would get my breasts removed.

And bottom surgery,

I would get a medioplasty.

I would never get a phalloplasty.

Okay, a phalloplasty is where they take skin

from either your arm or your legs, your thighs,

and form a penis from it.

Like, they have some that look really real,

but then they have some that look like hung sausages.

And it's not like...

You don't get much sensation in 'em.

You don't get... if any.

But there's people who are sexually satisfied with that,

'cause it's the whole factor,

actin' like a man, they're bein' the man.

Medioplasty is where you go on testosterone

and your clit grows.

It doesn't get very big.

The biggest I've seen one get in books

is about this big.

And they take your skin,

and they make it look like a penis.

It looks more realistic than the phalloplasty.

And they take and they give you balls and whatnot.

And you can pee through it,

you can feel everything.

'Cause it's your own.

When I first talked to you, I was like,

"Let me get the surgery right away, blah blah blah."

That I'm leavin' as an option, for when I'm older.

Right now, I'm still young.

I wanna make sure, if I'm gonna get surgery,

it's what I want.

'Cause that's permanent.

But then there's also stereotypes you have to fight

if you're F to M.

You have to be a straight F to M.

You have to be, like, really masculine.

Hangin' out with my friends

and them teachin' me that it's okay to be feminine,

that doesn't make me any less of a man,

it's actually made me happier.

And honestly, I thought it was typical

for a butch lesbian to feel like a man.

I'm doing a runway competition.

Butch Queen in Drag.

And we had to give it an Asian girl effect.

I thought, hey, I'm part Asian.

It'll be easy.

My mom bought me my dress.

I like the fact that she's behind me on this.

She didn't say anything about me being transgendered

or anything like that.

She just said that she thought

this was a dress that I could wear to win.

[Tot's mom] I think that shirt you got on

was better with that skirt.

It does?

You think this one?

I'll try both of them on and see which one goes better.

'Cause I was thinking this one a long time ago.

But then I was like, I don't know if this one-

[Tot's mom] Yes.

(electronic dance music)

The cosmopolitan helped calm my nerves.

(laughing)

Now I'm not as nervous.

But I'm sure when my category comes up,

which is number 22,

I'll get nervous.

I never deny the fact that I'm a man, to anyone.

Because it's foolish.

I'm very proud of who I am.

The thing is, I don't know if I feel comfortable.

And I think there's a difference.

[Announcer] Ladies, fall into your pose.

Bitches, your runway be ready now.

Runway.

(crowd cheering)

I've always told myself I never needed hormones.

But after being in that ballroom,

feeling so beautiful,

just having everyone make me feel so sexy and stuff,

it made me think.

I'm not sure anymore.

It put me in this position where

I don't even know what I wanna be,

which is pretty confusing,

because most people stay what they are.

I mean, you win some, you lose some.

Especially when there's different houses in charge.

Different judges, different people.

But I'm happy with the overall thing.

I think I did really well.

(whistle blowing)

I could picture myself.

I could picture myself as a complete woman.

And it's just so exciting, and so fairytale-like.

A happily ever after story.

I have a whole bunch of things here.

You guys are gonna laugh at me,

but I have a feminization plan.

And so I came up with...

I want my booty to be firm and high and fat.

(laughing)

I wanna have curves. Real women have curves.

It's something we call that

I don't know if you've heard of it. (laughing)

I wanna have curves for days.

I wanna have curves for the guys.

I like her hair.

I could put it up in a ponytail,

I could fix it up nice.

I even like her curls. I love it.

I just love it, love it, love it.

The facial hair.

It's been stressful to have hairs comin' out.

Your skin and here, and you're just...

It's disgusting to have hairs comin' out.

And it's part of my stress. So.

Feminization of jaw.

Jaw, jaw.

I want my jaw to be smaller

and my chin to be smaller.

I want to look

as if I would have not hit male puberty.

As if I would have been born a female.

She's pretty. I like her.

Now, you tell me.

She goes on the street like this,

she's gonna be fine.

Now, if she decides to go on the street like this,

guess what?

Some stupid ass person might just slice her throat

and kill her like they did to one of my homegirls.

They killed her 'cause she was trans.

You know what I'm sayin'?

In the streets.

Cut her throat and just killed her.

I don't want that to happen to me.

You know what I'm saying?

And that's why I'm in favor of these things.

Because I wanna be able to blend in, and,

you know what I'm saying?

My safety is part of the reason.

And because I want to look good in that body.

All right, so we're about to get there.

So we can show you the spot.

(melancholy music)

There was this transsexual named Gigi

who first introduced me to sex work.

It was very difficult because, you know,

it was not something that I wanted to do.

But it was something that I felt that

in order to fit and to blend, you had to do.

They told me, "Oh, listen,

"if you wanna get hormones, this is the way to do it."

We aren't here to socialize

and be cutie.

And... no. We're here to make money.

We're here to make money because

we need to pay for hormones,

we're tryin' to save money,

because some of us wanna get operations.

And we wanna be treated equally,

and we wanna be like society wanted us to be.

We wanna look cute, wanna have titties,

we wanna have big titties.

Wanna have this little tiny waist,

because that's how society wants it.

If you gonna be a girl,

you better be a good-lookin' bitch.

If not, don't you dare be a girl.

Okay?

If you're gonna be a girl, you better pass.

And you better work it.

You know what I'm sayin'?

So that takes money.

And how you gonna get the money?

The easiest way to get the money is by...

Selling your body.

(train cars clattering)

He asked me.

My first thought was no.

But I kept on thinking about it and I was like,

he's my father.

If they lose the restaurant,

they might lose the house.

And it felt good because he did need my help.

But it made me feel like,

so if the restaurant wasn't existent,

then that means you wouldn't want me here?

The first day I got here,

I saw the restaurant,

and then the second thing I got here,

I was working at it.

It's a family business.

It's a nice place, but

some days it's so slow that we don't know

if we're gonna make it,

and some days it's so busy that we don't know

how we're gonna do it with just ourselves.

He's our big brother.

Well, he said when we were babies and he first came,

we like him.

And he left.

When he came back, we didn't even know who he was.

And then he left again, and then he came back again.

Then he left again, and came back, left, came back,

left, came back.

They grow up so fast!

(giggling)

That's his poison kiss.

I just feel sometimes that I can't be with my family

to be truly happy.

And it's not because I don't like them.

It's not because I don't love them.

It's because I know they'll never understand.

Me and my father,

he knows I haven't told him the honest truth

about a lot of things about me,

but it's because I just don't want to.

When I told him I was gay, he, like, flipped out.

Next thing you know, if I told him I like

to look like a girl,

he's just gonna... I don't know.

Sometimes he still even says things like,

"I don't know where you became gay."

I always worry for him.

He's the most I worry about.

Because he's a teen,

and a teen is very easy

to get influence, either bad or good.

And that why I always, I always,

get in his case,

and that why he still doesn't like it,

because I always get in his case.

But I hope one of these day he turn around

and he realize it.

Why I'm doing that for.

I wish he understood how much I really did care

about how he feels about me.

Because I think that he thinks

I'm like this and I'm open about it because I don't care

what anyone thinks.

But really, I care so much about what they think.

And I don't think he knows the sacrifice I made

coming down here.

So hard sometimes.

'Cause I've stopped being me.

I'm not happy like this.

I'm really not.

(melancholy music)

When I get the dicks,

will you pack them and fuck with them at the same time?

That way I wouldn't have to change anything.

Oh come on, you're gonna stay in there.

I want to be a man.

I am a man.

I want to appear as a man.

I want to be seen and respected as a man.

I go to Callen Lorde.

Tell them I want testosterone.

And I get put on a waiting list.

Yeah, testosterone.

Oh my God, that would be so great.

We're off to meet Sara,

and then him and I, we're gonna go to Callen Lorde

to talk about getting testosterone.

I just really want testosterone.

I have to get papers from Jennae

saying that I have been meeting with her for two years.

And then I get to go through all the other shit,

and then go straight on T.

Estradiol. Look at it, look.

Look.

(uplifting music)

I'm on my way, okay?

After 19 years of livin' in the Bronx,

I'm not going to miss my neighborhood.

A big...

I've learned not to care

of what people think of me.

♫ Happy birthday, dear David

It's 2005, and I'm 21.

I am 21.

My first legal drink of alcohol.

Nice to meet you.

Tatiana.

Paul?

That's Paul, that's J.P.

Nice to meet you.

Welcome to my new crib. (laughs)

(laughs)

(sirens wails)

(medical equipment beeps)

[Man] Hey man, what's up?

[David] Hey, how are you?

[Man] Yeah, I'm good.

I'm sick. I don't feel good. So, yeah.

You know, it's hereditary.

My mom had it, and I'm just gonna be like my mom

and beat it.

'Cause my mom beat it.

I'm gonna beat it if I have it.

Right now I'm leavin' everything if.

[Man] Do you have a fever?

No, I'm just blind in an eye.

(melancholy music)

I have trouble reading.

I'm having trouble doing anything.

I can't do a lot of movin' around.

Otherwise I get sick, dizzy,

migraine by the end of the night.

So, yeah.

I have to kinda keep still,

and I don't wanna be like that

for the rest of my life.

(phone rings)

Hello, Dr. Kimmer?

Hello, this is Naomi.

Yes.

Remember me? I have spoken to you before.

I spoke to you a year ago,

and now I get the chance to speak to you again,

and I got a couple of questions to ask.

How long is the procedure?

Okay.

All right, and I wanted to ask you

what are the advantages and what are the disadvantages

to the surgery?

I wanna get castrated.

Because I know that I won't be able to afford

the sex reassignment surgery anytime soon.

So I can get castrated now,

which is the best anti-androgen you can have,

because your testicles are removed.

I have a couple of friends who

had castration, and a lot of the risks

of taking the anti-androgen

can be avoid, because when you take anti-androgen pills

for a long time, it could damage you.

So I'm supposed to take calcium and vitamin...

Okay, no problem.

Any risks?

The anesthesia. Okay.

I like having orgasms, so would I be able to have orgasms

after I remove my testes?

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, but I don't need none of that now.

So my question is,

if I remove my testes,

would I be able to be orgasmic

without taking anything else?

Oh, but that's fine, you know.

But I'm talkin' about having...

So I would be able to have an orgasm, right?

Okay.

Then that's what's up.

So what time on Wednesday?

10:30?

Mm-hmm.

And I got one other question.

I'm very low income,

and I would like to know if we can do a payment plan

or something?

I think I could provide $1,200,

but more than that,

I honestly don't have.

Okay.

Okay, bye bye. All right.

(inhales sharply)

I can see things clearly,

and I know what I want for myself,

where I'm at, and where I wanna go,

and what I want to be, and who I want to be,

and who I am.

It's what I want people to see.

You know what I'm saying?

(water running)

I don't need none of this.

It's been a sacrifice

to be here right now.

Papi.

It's been a struggle.

It's been weeks of working in the Stroll.

Tryin' to get money, make money,

from the dates in order to be here right now where I'm at.

It's finally time to take the tag off.

Natalie!

Didn't you hear the way I walked on the heels?

No. I say, "Oh, it's you? Fine."

I thought it was someone else.

(knocking on door)

Don't come in! Make sure they don't come in.

[Natalie] I got you.

Who is it?

[Woman] Hey, when you guys are done,

go immediately outside.

Okay. - Maybe.

(knocking on door)

- Don't come in! - You're not allowed in.

Zip up, zip me up.

Yeah, this is a little tight.

After I got all ready,

and all of us were ready to go,

I felt a little weird.

But I didn't let that ruin my night.

You're going to be so hard,

this thing will not be able to nail through.

(coughs)

(laughing)

Show a little leg, ladies!

Show a little leg, ladies!

Other way!

Other way with the leg out.

Show a little leg, gentlemen!

You too!

They just hoped, they hoped so bad,

that it was gonna be where no one recognized me,

no one was gonna talk.

And I could dance the night away and go home happy.

That didn't work out. (laughs)

I walked throughout the whole dance floor.

People saw me.

Some people looked away, some people said hi.

Some people whispered, but I didn't care.

And then after about the first hour,

that's when it started.

Where people started noticing me.

Then one girl who I know,

I don't know if she did this with any kind of mean intention

but she started telling everyone that I was there.

It was just happening so fast,

and people started looking at me,

and I started to hyperventilate.

I couldn't take it.

I started feeling the way I did

when I came to school there.

All eyes were always on me.

Then my friend Kat, the one who got me the ticket,

she came up to me.

She's like, "Oh my God, Tot.

"The principal just grabbed me by the arm

"and pulled me to the side,"

and said that she was really upset with her,

because Kat agreed to giving me a ticket

under one rule.

That I wouldn't bring attention to myself.

And I remember my eyes starting to swell up.

I was just about to cry.

And to find out that she's just like those kids,

makes everything seem a little harsher in the world.

I mean, do they expect me to go in a tuxedo?

'Cause they think because I dress up in a dress,

I want attention.

If I really wanted that much attention,

I'd go streaking.

Oh, it felt so good to be exactly who I wanted to be

while everyone was there,

just to show them that I'm not scared anymore.

'Cause they knew, when I was denying it and stuff,

and now I'm back, and I showed them

that I can wear the heels, I can wear the dress,

and I can show up in your territory.

Where you scared me off.

I'm so hungry. I'm so tired.

And I wish to sleep, to eat, sleep,

get better, and move on with my life.

I was awake during the whole time,

so I got to see

him doing things.

And he told me, "Look, one of them is out."

And I was like, "Really?"

And then when he told me the second one was out,

he asked me if I wanted to see it,

and I was like...

I didn't know that was a...

I didn't know if I'm supposed to say yes or no.

But I said,

"Mm-mm. Yes. Let me see who's responsible."

So he showed me it,

and he was explaining,

and I was like...

And then he just threw it in the garbage. (laughs)

That was embarrassing.

They gone, bye-bye, goodbye.

I feel a little more complete.

That's it.

Gotta walk slowly.

I'm not doing no sex work

'til I'm completely healed.

My health come first.

(baby crying)

I still have M.S.

That's never goin' away.

I won't go into remission, that's reality.

I got 20 years without the medication.

With the medication, that adds another 10 to 15.

This is basically my uniform.

I've been pretty much made to feel like

because I was sick and everything, like I was nothing.

I've had to just pull myself up

and stop thinkin' so much about what's gone wrong

in my life, but what's goin' right.

Here you go.

I'm ready for work.

Work has altered my life.

Starbucks...

Everybody may think it's just coffee,

but seriously, getting that job at Starbucks

has altered my life, period.

I have composure. I have composure.

I've taken all the classes that they offer.

That's why I think they promoted me,

is I've done everything I can.

Ask me about any coffee you want,

I'll start describin' it.

To a T.

There, now I'm ready for work.

I was on three month medical leave.

They gave me short-term disability.

They give me money all the time. I love 'em.

I don't feel trapped anymore.

I'm just free.

I want to heal

because I want to go out back there

and work.

It's a part of me that wants to stop,

and there's another part that doesn't.

(toilet flushes)

Sometimes over here is just tough.

Sometimes

I had to beg for food.

I don't do that

when I'm out there, makin' my money,

because I have my own money to buy

whatever food I want.

(knocking on door)

My cousin told me that everybody knows in my family.

For a long time.

They'll prefer me to be anything else

than to be

these two things:

to be trans, to be a prostitute.

My brother and sister have been catching me.

They've been catching me, like, dressed as a girl.

They been catching me a lot.

My younger brother found my breast padding.

And he told me he put them like this

and walked around my room,

and I'm just like, "No!"

That's wrong, no.

I don't know what to say to them

about me being gay, let alone the transgendered part.

It's just...

What can I say?

And then my stepmom, she full-blown knows.

She sees my heels.

She's seen my boob one time.

Okay, now let me call Amanda.

It just, it's horrible.

My dad's seen my bras.

I can't do anything about it.

That's my life, this is me.

I don't have a section of girl clothes,

a section of boy clothes.

All my clothes are girl clothes.

(phone rings)

Hello?

[Amanda] I'm like outside your house.

Yay.

Did you just get there?

[Amanda] Uh, yeah.

Okay, so I'm gonna be outside in a second.

I still feel like

I'm not there.

Like, I'm not at the point I wanna be.

Because there are times where people say things,

even family members sometimes, they accidentally say he.

And it bothers me.

It's like a hunger.

I don't want to stay like this.

I want to change.

(horn honks)

Yeah, now I can... whoops.

Green light, green light, green light!

Red light!

Okay. I'm gettin' better.

[Amanda] You're my fabulous student.

I'm gonna open up a driving school.

An illegal driving school.

[Tot] Day by day.

I don't even know where it comes from.

It's just, slowly I started seeing myself

and I started realizing,

I wanted to transition.

I'm not a male tryin' to be female.

I am a female.

I want them to see the way I see myself.

I want someone to undeniably say, she.

I began college

at Boricua College.

I left prostitution.

Don't wanna go back.

I won't go back, I don't wanna go back.

I don't need to go back.

I'm happy that I'm giving my body

the value that it needs.

I have a life.

I have a future, I have a passion.

I'm still in search for myself.

But at the same time, I know who I am and what I want.

You know, I'm still putting the pieces together.

When I moved to New York,

I didn't even know myself.

I just went with what people told me.

Not everybody's gonna like you.

Not everybody's gonna love you.

They're gonna hate you.

They're gonna not even think about you.

But they just keep movin' on.

I waited three years.

Because I wanted to make sure I was sure.

It took me three years to realize that I am.

I'm sure.