Original subtitles

Emcee 1: ... to say that you saw her in a laundromat.

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Put your hands together big for Marcella Arguello!

(applause, cheering)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Emcee 2: Marcella Arguello!

Hey, what's up, guys?

Emcee 3: She's one of my best friends. Let's hear it for

-Ms. Marcella Arguello! -(crowd cheering)

Okay, okay, okay! Everybody, what's up?

Make some noise. What's up, what's up, what's up?

Everybody make some noise. Keep it going.

Make some motherfucking noise!

What's up, New York?

(applause, cheering)

What's up, y'all? My name is Marcella.

I'm very tall for a woman, bitch. Take it in, okay?

-(cheering) -Yeah.

I'm 6'2". I'm gonna go over

-a few things I don't wanna be asked ever again, okay? -(laughter)

I don't play basketball, I don't play volleyball,

I'm not a model,

and since I have everybody's attention,

just wanna let you all know

the tops of your refrigerators are fucking disgusting.

(laughter, applause)

Clean 'em up!

They're all greasy and dusty and shit. What's that about?

I get mistaken for a man sometimes. It's all good.

I don't care. I'm very confident.

I don't give a fuck, right?

(laughter)

But sometimes, it hurts my feelings.

(laughter)

When I was flying out to New York,

as soon as we land-- Now,

I don't look like this when I fly, right?

I'm, like, sweatpants, you know, sneakers, baggy T-shirt,

hair pulled back, glasses, mask, right? No makeup.

And so, when we land in New York,

the woman across the aisle, she-- she props up.

She's a tiny woman. She props up out of her chair.

You know, she's getting her bag,

but she starts struggling with her bag.

And then this fine-ass Black guy

helps her with her bag.

And I was like, I'm gonna struggle.

(laughter, applause)

With my bag, right?

But like I said, I didn't look like this, right?

So, I get up, and I'm like,

-"Oh." (pouty sigh) -(laughter)

"My little wrist.

Owie!"

(groans) And he looks at me. He's like,

"You got that, bro?"

(laughter)

I didn't give a fuck. I was like,

"Yeah, it's all good, dog!

-Don't even trip." -(applause)

I am Latina. Any Latinos in the house?

-(cheering, applause) -Nice.

Yeah.

I'm a-- I'm a very proud Latina.

I'm a very proud Latina. Um...

And it was-- it was--

It's funny because, you know, because of how I look,

people don't think I'm Latina, right?

I once, when I worked as a bank teller, I had this woman.

A lot of people think I'm mixed with Black and white,

especially in California. In New York, y'all know.

Y'all don't get it fucked up in New York. Y'all know.

You guys got everything in New York, so you're just like,

"Ah, mija !" Right? As soon as they see me. "Ah!"

But in California, they're-- if you don't look Mexican, they're like,

-"What?" -(laughter)

So, I'm working as a teller, uh, in Cali,

and this customer, her account was all fucked up,

and she starts talking shit about me in Spanish

-at the teller window right in front of me, right? -(booing)

Probably thought I was mixed Black and white.

Probably didn't know I spoke Spanish.

So, she's talking shit. And as soon as she finishes, I'm like,

"Oh, I'm sorry. (laughs)

"Looks like I won't be able to help you with this account..."

(applause, cheering)

So, she was upset. She was upset.

She's upset. She goes up to my manager.

She's like, "Oh, my God!

This young woman just called me an old bitch in Spanish."

And my manager was like, "(gasps) Wha...

She is Black and white! She don't speak Spanish!"

I was like... (imitates airhorn)

Wu-Tang is for the children!

Bobby Digital! (beeping) Um...

-Stupid bitch. Um... -(laughter)

It's crazy though because, like, you know,

Latinos, we're everything, right?

We're the blackest Black, we're the whitest white.

We look like every-- We are everybody, right?

That's why we're taking over, girl, ha! Um...

But it's-it's a mind-fuck in Hollywood, too,

because, like Sofia Vergara-- I don't know if you guys know,

but Sofia Vergara, when she got "Modern Family,"

it was because she dyed her hair brown,

so she could look "more Latina," right?

Which is crazy. That's fucked up that she had to do that.

And then when she got the role on "Modern Family," what happened?

The Latinos gave her backlash

because she was "too stereotypical."

They didn't like the way she represented Latinos.

And I was like, (clicks tongue)

I got a lot of family members that act like her, okay?

(laughter)

Yeah, it's my gay Uncles pero still, you know, like?

They deserve representation.

So, because I grew up in a conservative, uh, town,

I-- you know, I don't identify as white. I don't.

I identify as white-passing, and the difference

between white and white-passing

is that I would never put my parents in a nursing home.

-Um... -(applause)

-(laughs) Oh shit. -(cheering)

Thank you.

Hey, man, shout out to all y'all for coming out.

We appreciate you.

I can't have you guys applauding every joke.

-I don't got that kind of time. Please don't do that. -(laughter)

Just laugh. I-I don't wanna fuckin' fuck my shit up

'cause y'all are too excited. Um...

-(laughs) -(laughter, indistinct yell)

I know, girl. Um...

So, the pandemic fucked shit up, right?

I think it-- it changed me.

I don't know if it changed you, guys.

I appreciate you guys all coming out.

You guys aren't wearing masks. What is wrong with you?

I don't know.

Shout out to you, sir. Thank you.

Um, but the pandemic changed me.

Remember at the begin-- It's been so long, right?

It's been so long. Remember at the beginning,

people were posting stupid shit on social media?

I had hella friends just posting the dumbest shit.

I had one friend that was like,

(mocking): "I just cut my own hair for the first time ever.

Hashtag bangs."

-(laughter) -I had another homegirl who was like,

(mocking): "Just painted my own nails for the first time ever.

-Hashtag DIY." -(laughter)

I had a homeboy who was like,

"Just cooked every meal for the first time this week

in my whole life." I was like, have you guys never been broke?

(laughter)

Hashtag hella broke. You guys never been broke, ever?

Okay. Alright.

I know who I'm gonna hit up for bail money.

(laughter, applause)

And then, the vaccine rollout happened,

and I was so excited, you know,

because being single during the pandemic was rough, right?

-(audience agreeing) -It was rough!

Me and all my homegirls were so excited

when the vaccine rollout happened.

We were just like in the group chat, like,

"Oh, I can't wait to get back out there."

"Yeah, me--" Bitch, I was so desperate,

I almost ordered a male sex robot.

(laughter)

That's where I was at, but with my luck,

it was gonna show up and be 5'6".

(laughter)

I turn it on, it be like,

(robotic): "I am 5'9". Beep, boop, boop."

(applause, laughter)

I don't know why, y'all men,

you guys always lie about your height.

I don't know what that's about.

Men lie so much about their height,

they accuse me of being seven feet tall.

(laughter)

That's happened more than three times.

You realize how fucked up that is? Anyways, alright.

So, I was getting-- I was getting thirsty, man. It was hard.

And then, in the group chat, we were all like,

I just wanna get back out there.

I'm gonna join the dating websites. Me, too.

And one of my homegirls was like,

"Marcella, I just miss kissing."

(laughter)

I was like, "It's been two years, bitch.

I wanna be railed into a wall."

(applause, laughter)

I want a dude to blow my back out so hard.

my scoliosis reverses, you feel me?

God damn.

Kissing. I don't even kiss one-night stands.

I had a one-night stand try to kiss me once. I was like,

"Sir, ew! I don't know you!"

(laughter)

-Now, let's go raw dog, come on. -(applause)

Oh, we got some hoes in the audience tonight. Nice.

(cheering)

-Yeah. -(cheering continues)

Alright, relax, you thirsty-ass bitches. God damn.

Uh, and I-- you know what I miss about the before times, though,

-is going out dancing. -(sad groans)

That's-- All the girls got sad.

-(laughter) -I know! I miss it!

I miss going out dancing. I used to go every week.

It was so fun, and I miss going out dancing.

Um, I-I-- My favorite is going to gay clubs, right?

I love going to gay clubs 'cause gay men love straight women. They love--

You could walk in, looking like shit.

-I've done it before. -(laughter)

And one time-- It's a safe space, right?

They're not gon-- They're not there to bug you, right?

You can just do whatever. You can smell however you want.

No one cares.

I one time walked into a gay club,

looking like straight-up shit head-to-toe,

and as soon as I walked in, this little queen was like,

"Yes, girl! You serving hobo realness!"

-(applause) -(laughs)

I was like, "Thank you! Thank you."

But I hate going to straight clubs

'cause, men, y'all have lost your sense of decorum.

Motherfuckers went from, "May I have this dance," to...

(grunting)

(laughter)

(grunting)

Just shit-faced drunk, just thrusting their genitals.

-They're doing (blubbering). -(laughter)

You're just minding your business with your girl,

doing the little junior high circle,

-minding your business, right? -(laughter)

And they just, (grunting)-- "Oh, my God! Is that a mosquito?

-Ah!" -(applause)

And straight dudes are tenacious.

It's a numbers game for straight men. They're like,

"Oh my bad, my bad." And they just move on.

-(blubbering) -(laughter)

"Oh, no, my bad, my bad, my bad."

-(grunting) -(laughter)

(blubbering)

And then when you try to be like, "Oh, no, thank you,"

they're just, they just...

"Hey, you don't have to play hard to get."

Sir, you're playing hard to get away from!

(applause)

Leave me alone. No means no, Bill Cosby. Um...

(shocked groans)

If that's what you're offended by, just buckle up.

(laughter)

I got some shit in the second half. Alright, um...

But I do. I miss going out dancing.

I, uh... (laughs)

I one time had a guy approach me at the bar.

He comes right up to me. He's like, "I been watchin' you."

Which is a bad start, right, ladies?

Creepy as fuck.

He's like, "You're very tall."

I was like, cool, he has eyeballs? I don't...

He's like, "You don't move like a tall person."

-What the fuck does that mean? -(laughter)

Does he expect me to walk in the room

and just start dunking on fools?

(laughter)

Soon as I walk in, every room I walk into, I'm like,

"Hey, guys, I'm here from downtown!"

(applause)

"What's up, y'all? Boom-shakalaka!

She's on fire!" I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I once had a guy roll up on me. Literally. He's in a wheelchair.

-He rolls up. -(laughter)

I'm so excited. I don't have a type.

I really don't. Short, tall, fat, skinny.

I don't give a fuck. You got a dick?

I wanna see it, I wanna smell it.

(applause)

I'm like a curious puppy.

(rapid sniffing)

So this fool rolls up. I'm excited. He goes like this.

I love confidence in a man. When he goes like this,

I'm like, oh, what's up?

(laughter)

And he says, and I quote,

"You would be perfect if you had a fat ass."

(audience gasps)

I was like, "You don't have legs."

(laughter)

(applause)

And I wasn't even gonna bring it up!

I had no problem with this shit, right?

I'm glad you guys enjoyed that.

(laughter)

For anybody at home who's watching

and is uptight about it, just so you know,

I'm not the bad guy in that story, okay?

MLK taught me to judge people by the content of their character.

-That dude was a dick, right? -(applause)

Because think about it. He could have been clever

with this shit, but he chose to neg me.

I hate when men neg.

For-- Young women, do not fall for negging.

Negging is when a man includes a insult in his compliment.

That's not a compliment. Just say I'm perfect.

We both know that's not true. Who gives a fuck?

Are you trying to fuck or not?

(applause, laughter)

Right?

And he could have been clever with this shit.

He could've fucking rolled up, did this,

I would've been like, "What's up?" He could've been like,

"You ain't got no ass. I ain't got no legs.

Together, we make a whole person."

-(cheering) -I'd have been like,

"Oh, shit, let's go!"

(applause)

-Your guys' clapping is stressing me out. Um... -(laughter)

I don't like it. You guys are too lit right now!

I'm good, huh? That's the problem. Um.

(laughing)

(applause)

They got it. They heard it.

But ever since I was a little girl,

I always wanted a man to approach me

the way Michael Jackson used to approach women in his videos.

That's all I ever wanted. Ever since I was a little girl,

I just wanted a guy to be all like--

(laughter)

"What's your name? (imitating Michael Jackson)

(laughter)

(sings high note)

(imitating Michael Jackson)

(laughter)

(applause)

"Can I buy you a drink?

(laughter)

Vodka tonic? Be right back." Just moonwalks.

(laughter, applause)

Into my heart. Okay.

(laughs)

(laughs)

This is too much. Um...

Anybody drunk? I'm fuckin' lit, bitch, right up.

(cheering)

(sighs)

But here's the thing. I realized

that I don't want all that shit, right?

I was like, I don't-- I miss going out dancing,

but I don't-- I don't miss these dudes, right?

And I was like, I need to work on myself.

Because the truth is I'm 37,

and I've been single

-all those 37 years. -(laughter)

And during the pandemic, I was like,

"Oh, shit, it's me."

(laughter)

It's me. I'm the problem. And, bitch,

if you're not laughing, girl, it's you.

You need to work on yourself. You need to do some self-reflecting--

-Don't point at her! -(laughter)

Oh, it's you. (laughs)

And she said, "It's us."

It's her and I.

We, too, are the problem.

(laughter)

That goofy-ass outfit, of course, you're single. Um...

Audience: Oh!

(applause)

Me deflecting your kisses. Ah! Ah!

Uh, and I realized I need to work on myself, right?

I was like, bitch, it's time to grow up, right?

And then I started thinking about shit, how I am.

I had an epiphany when I was watching

"Beauty and the Beast" with my niece.

Okay, it's her favorite movie.

Of course, I grew up in the '90s, right? I love that movie.

So we're watching it, and we get to that scene where,

you know, Belle has that realization,

and the snowball fight scene, you know what I'm talking about?

Where she starts, like, looking at him different.

(scattered laughter)

She starts realizing shit,

I was like, I start realizing shit, you know?

-I mean... -(laughter)

I'm coarse.

I'm unrefined. I'm the Beast!

-No! -(laughter)

And I was like, let me chill out.

We kept watching the movie, right?

As we watched the movie, I was like, oh!

-I, too, slurp my oatmeal. -(laughter)

I also look good in a-- in a blue suit.

I'm the Beast, right? So I accepted that. I was like,

that's who I am. I'm the Beast. The next time I fucked a dude,

I was like, "Yeah, kill the Beast!"

Psht! Kill the Beast. Psht! Be my guest.

Psht! Put this pussy. Psht! To the test.

Psht! Okay.

-(laughter continues) -(laughs)

That was for all the Disney heads, you know what I'm sayin'?

(humming) Okay.

So, I was like, I gotta work on myself.

And it's hard because, you know, I--

You know, I have, obviously, a great sense of humor, right?

And men, on the dating profiles,

they always say they want a woman

with a good sense of humor. They always say that.

"I want a woman--" But they don't!

Because when men say they want a woman

with a good sense of humor, what they mean

is they want a chick whose boobs bounce

when she laughs at his jokes.

(laughter, applause)

You see how the men aren't clapping?

The women are clapping but the men aren't, okay?

Because that's true. They're like, "What? No, come on."

(laughter)

So I was trying to watch-- I've been trying to watch myself.

I was looking at the last dude that I was, I was talking to.

I was like, what happened?

And then, I looked at our old text messages.

This dude goes, "Marcella, you have a beautiful face."

And my response was,

"I look like my dad. Are you gay?"

(laughter)

No wonder it didn't work out.

Gee whiz, right?

So, I've been working on myself, right?

I'm trying to watch my mouth a little bit.

I'm dating a short guy right now

because I don't have a choice, right?

(laughter)

He's always asking me for piggyback rides.

Every time he hugs me, it looks like a koala bear on a tree.

It's all good. I like how you guys are like,

-"Come on, give him a chance." -(laughter)

I did give him a chance. It's going on for a--

It's been going on for a minute now,

-and we are in love, okay? Yes! -(cheering)

I am in love!

For the first time in my life-- No, wait, let me correct that.

This is the first time in my life someone loves me back.

Audience: Aw...

You see, the girls are like, "Ooh, I feel that."

You felt that right here, bitch, huh?

(laughs)

And it's been great. I'm-- I am enjoying it, but I--

So I'm trying to like watch my mouth.

Not-- You know, not when it counts, but you know what I mean?

(laughter)

Like trying to watch what I say out of my mouth,

now what goes into it, right?

(laughter)

And so, and the first time we had sex,

I was trying to be mindful,

and I took off my shirt.

And he--

(laughter)

Bitch, I-- Was that you?

She went, "Okay."

-She taking notes! -(laughter)

She's like, "Okay."

Are you a bitch, too? Is that the problem?

Are you trying to work on yourself

because you're a bitch, too?

-You're fucking sliding into your chair. -(laughter)

What happened? Let's talk about it.

What's wrong with you, girl? No, just kidding.

You're a bitch. That's what it is. Okay.

(laughter)

So, the first time we're having sex, I take off my shirt,

and he was like, "Marcella, you have incredible breasts."

-It took all of me... -(quiet laughter)

not to say...

-"You, too." -(loud laughter)

-He doesn't need to hear that shit! -(applause)

He knows.

So, I'm trying to watch my mouth with this dude. He's great.

Yeah, he's great. I love him. We're a very progressive couple.

Yeah, he's pansexual, and I am also a hoe. Um...

(laughter, applause)

-Audience member: Woo! -(laughs)

That's funny you wooed at that, sir,

because I've been watching you,

and you've been hesitating to laugh.

And then you wooed that pansexual shit

-because you love to suck a dick and eat a pussy! -(cheering)

And! And eat a pussy! I love it!

(imitates airhorn) Shout out to you.

(applause)

Suck a dick and eat a pussy. I love it. Okay!

Reset! Okay.

(sighs, laughs)

(cheering, applause)

No! No excessive clapping. I don't have time for it.

I gotta focus.

That's your laugh? That's a good-- Uh! I just-- I'm too--

I have too much ADHD. When I hear shit, I'm like...

(growls)

Come watch me live another time

so I can make fun of your laugh! Okay.

Focus. Focus. Let me get back on track. Okay.

Okay, so we've been going for a few months now.

Eight-- Eight months, something like that.

But, like three months into it,

I told my homegirl-- You know, I was all excited.

I was telling my closest homegirls about it,

and one of my homegirls who's known me for a long time, she was like,

"Marcella, you need move in with him!"

And I was like, "Whoa!

Relax."

You know, like, I'm trying to go slow.

And she was like, "Marcella,

"I just know you've dealt with so many fuck-boys,

and you're not getting any younger." And I was like,

"Okay, relax again."

(laughter)

-I'm not... -Member: Going too far.

-Yeah, going too far! -(laughter)

And I just went, "You know what, girl?

I'm just not trying to ruin things, right?"

And she goes, "Don't worry, Marcella.

It'll get ruined because everything gets ruined."

(groaning laughter)

I was like, "Damn, you're single? Who would've guessed?"

(laughter)

Who the fuck says that shit, right? I was like,

"You know what? I got somebody I want you to meet."

She was like, "Really? Who?"

I was like, "My therapist, you fuckin' bitch."

Who--

Who says that to someone who's newly in love?

(applause)

But it's hard, right?

To try to change and to focus on it

because then you also start to internalize your fuck-ups.

Right? You feel terrible.

I once was going to my homegirl's house.

I shouldn't say homegirl 'cause we're not super good friends.

My friend Teresa, she's a beautiful Asian girl,

right? And, like, we've kicked it before,

so I know what she looks like.

But then, I'm walking up to her house,

and I see her,

and I'm about to be like, "Hey, girl! What's up?" Right?

And I'm right here. I'm right at, "He..."

(laughter)

I'm like... (squeaks)

And I realize that she's not looking at me

with the same familiar eyes...

that I'm looking at her.

And I was like, "He-- Oh...

-"I'm a racist. Oh, my God." -(laughter)

"I think all Asians look alike. Sandra Oh no."

(laughter)

"I'm a racist. Oh, my-- I think all Asians look like this--

Oh my-- This is terrible."

I'm str-- I have all these intrusive thoughts,

and as I'm having these thoughts,

the girl, she looks at me, she's like,

"Are you Marcella? I'm Teresa's twin sister."

-I was like, twins! -(laughter)

(applause)

That's a racist's worst nightmare!

You gotta let a bitch know when you're twins.

It's hard trying to be a better person.

But here's what I do like.

I do like the music on the radio right now

with all the rap girlies. I love it.

Megan, Cardi, Doja, Saweetie, the City Girls.

I love all of it. Latto, I love all of it.

I'm so happy these girls are on the radio,

and they're-- but they're always rapping about broke dudes

or shitting on broke dudes, right? Cardi had that one song.

-"Broke boys don't deserve no pussy." -Audience: I know that's right!

-Brainwashed. You see these bitches? -(laughter)

Fucking brainwashed.

That shit ain't right.

That's classism, girl! That's elitism!

And here's the fucked-up part. They never tell you

why you shouldn't fuck a broke dude.

Does anybody know why you shouldn't fuck a broke dude?

(indistinct suggestions)

They got the best dick.

(cheers, laughter)

They got the-- Broke dudes got the best dick.

That's facts. I've done the research.

(laughter)

And why do they have the best dick?

Because they've been sleeping all day...

(laughter)

then they fuck the shit out of you!

And your stupid young ass is like, "There was a spark."

-(laughter) -(sighs)

Like, that wasn't a spark, girl. He's just well-rested.

-(laughter) -Right?

"Like, you don't understand. We had romantic shower sex."

Bitch, he needed to take a shower.

(laughter)

"Marcella, you don't understand.

In the morning, he made me coffee."

Girl, he is a 46-year-old barista.

(laughter)

(laughs)

Look, I'm not saying don't fuck them.

Just don't fall for them. That's what I'm saying, right?

'Cause they either fuck you right or they pay all your bills.

-It's never both. -(laughter)

Because if it's both...

-he's cheating on you. -(laughter)

Yeah, but I've been trying to grow up,

get better, be a better person.

And, uh, it's hard.

But I always think about how I was as a kid.

You guys remember the DARE program?

Guys, remember the DARE program? Oh, my God.

I love the DARE program. For those that don't remember,

the DARE program was a program,

an abstinence-- an abstinence-only...

Wait. A drug and alcohol resistance program.

Right? Just taught you to say no. That's all it was.

And I fucking loved it.

I-- When I was a kid, I loved being good.

I love getting straight A's. I loved being a snitch.

-I loved it. -(laughter)

My siblings fuckin' hated me.

I was like, "Listen, I'm not here to make friends."

(laughter)

"They feed me and buy me toys! Come on!"

And I loved the DARE program. It was built for me. I loved it.

And I loved, "Say no to drugs." I loved being good.

And, uh, I actually...

(laughs) I don't know if you remember,

at the end of the DARE program, you wrote an essay

about why you love the DARE program.

Girl, my essay was so good,

I got to read it in front of the whole school.

(laughter)

Yeah. That's how good it was, okay?

I was so proud. My mom was so proud.

My mom was so proud of me, she framed it

and had it hanging by the front door.

Right, but, yeah. Adorable. Yeah. You leave the house,

and it was right there. Every time I left, I was like,

-"Mm..." -(laughter)

And then I think back, I'm like,

no wonder my siblings hated me.

You know, like, how annoying.

But whatever, you know?

I was proud of myself. I loved it.

And then, I grew up.

I started drinking at 21, which is good. That's good.

-I started smoking weed around 24, right? -(lone laugh)

And-- I don't like the way you laughed at that, ma'am.

(laughter)

Damn... Your laughter,

you just called me a virgin with that laughter.

I don't like that.

And so,

uh, the first time I got high,

I went back to my mother's house, my parents' house,

and I was high as shit,

and I was trying to hide it.

Like, looking down and shit, you know.

And parents, they-- if there's parents of kids here,

you know. You know when something is up with your kid.

You know when they're happy, sad, when something's up,

when something's bothering them,

when they wanna talk about something, you know.

So, my mom knew since I walked in that something was up, right?

But she-- but I was looking all, you know, I was, like,

not trying to look at her. And she-- she's 5'8",

so she was trying to get up under me. She's like,

-qué te pasa , Marcella? -(laughter)

Qué te pasa, Marcella? Qué te pasa?

Ey, Marcella, qué te pasa?

Marcella, qué te pasa, Marcella?

(clicking tongue)

(laughter)

Qué te pasa?

And I don't lie. I've never lied.

I've always been a good kid, so I don't lie.

So, on her sixth qué te pasa,

I told my mother,

-"I am high on marijuana!" -(laughter)

That's how I said it. "I am high on marijuana."

And she was upset. Yeah. And-and--

You know, she got me in trouble. I went to my room.

And in the morning, when I got up,

I was too ashamed to, like, go-- like, go say good morning.

None of that shit. I didn't do none of that.

I just, like, snuck out of the house,

and as I was sneaking out of the house to get breakfast,

I noticed that the essay...

Audience: Aw...

...was taken down. It was gone.

You know, Latinos, we don't, like, talk about our problems

or what's bothering us.

So I had never mentioned it.

I was like, "She-- she not wrong."

(laughter)

And then, a month ago,

I heard her moving something, like, in the back,

and I hear something fall and break.

Like, something crashes.

And I just hear, "Oh, sorry, Marcella."

And I was like, what?

And it was the DARE essay.

She had saved it.

So I brought it here to read to you guys.

(applause)

So... Look at that.

(cheering)

The stationery. This is the original.

The cardstock. It's legit.

Okay.

"I promise to say no to drugs..."

(laughter)

"because of the everyday things I wanna do.

Breathe and stay alive."

(laughter)

"Drugs are something I will never do.

"Drugs aren't just flashy things. They are deadly things.

"If you think drugs are cool

"because famous people like models and TV stars use them,

you think wrong." All capital.

-"You think wrong." -(laughter)

"I promise again to say no to drugs.

"The only way I can keep my promise

"is to pick good friends, people I trust,

"and great adults that I can depend on.

"If I didn't have all those people,

who knows where I'd be right now?"

I'm 10.

(laughter)

"The promise is very important to keep because of cancer,

-AIDS..." -(audience groaning)

It was the '90s. "Cancer, AIDS,

"and a lot of deadly things.

"If everyone knew about this and cared about themselves,

"no one would be buying drugs today.

"My goals are never, ever to use drugs,

but that will be hard because all of the pressure."

(laughter)

"My other goals are to become a teacher

and to have a lovely drug-free family."

Audience: Aw...

"The most fun thing I did in DARE was acting

"and learning all about drugs. Marcella Arguello,

Cypress School, May 18, 1995."

-(cheering) -Thank you.

(applause)

So I wrote a little response.

-"You dumb little bitch." -(laughter)

"You broke your promise and your mother's heart.

"First of all, you really should take a break

"from playing with your Barbies and eating pupusas and realize

"that being an adult is not easy.

"One day, you will grow up to love drugs

because guess what? Drugs are great."

(laughter)

"And life is hard.

"Drugs can get you through the day

or help you sleep at night, and they even clear your skin."

-That's true. -(laughter)

"You said you would keep your drug-free promise

"by picking good friends, people you trust,

"and great adults that you can depend on.

"And I want you to know that some of the best

"and only people you should do drugs with are good friends,

people you trust, and great adults that you can depend on."

(applause, cheering)

"Additionally, the DARE program will end very soon

because it's tremendously ineffective."

(laughter)

"In fact, it will become an anti-bullying program,

"which you could use.

"You know, some of those gay kids are gonna grow up

to be your best friend, you homophobic twat."

(laughter)

Again, it was the '90s, okay?

"Look, in 'Parable of the Sower,' Octavia Butler writes,

"'The only lasting truth is change.'

"So, little me, it's time to start changing

"because the sooner you focus your energy on taking down

"oppressive institutional power structures

"that brainwash you into thinking

"you're morally superior than other people,

the better off you'll be. Yours forever, You."

(cheering)

My name is Marcella Arguello, you guys. Thank you so much.

Have a good night!

(applause)

(cheering, applause continue)