Original subtitles

Welcome to Rossini's Carnival!

Enter...if you dare!

Fun and games for the whole family.

Acrobatics, competitions, prizes.

DING!

Hello, boys and girls!

Have a bob at these apples.

What are those? You've got to get an apple with your teeth. Right.

Ready... Yeah. ..steady...go!

Donkey rides a penny.

Macaroons, scones. Come on.

Ooh! Oh.

I see...marriage.

Marriage? That's good.

It's good.

Who to?

Can I have a go on the coconuts? No! You're here to work?

Oh, come on, Nance, let her have one go. Yeah, don't be a fun sponge.

I've already told you - we're not on a jolly!

Fagin said we're not to come back empty-handed.

He can't pay the rent with coconuts, can he?

Now hurry up, I'm meant to be meeting Bill.

My crystal ball tells me

the first woman you set eyes on when you step out of my tent will be...

SHE GASPS

..your wife!

Right.

HE CHUCKLES

Nancy?

It is you!

Hi, Bet.

Come and hit the target.

I'm just a bit busy.

Ah, baby-sitting, are ya?

Come down with the kiddies?

Was that it?

Eh, that's it.

Next!

And excuse me, sir.

What?

Give my crystal ball back or I'll put a curse on ya!

Have a good day.

So you're back at Fagin's then?

Don't know how you can stand it.

Bye!

What you doing? What's wrong with your eyes?

Well, a fortune teller said that the first woman that I see

will be the woman that I marry.

DONKEY BRAYS

When she said first woman, she must have meant first woman with hands.

That's more like it - Nancy.

That's the future Mrs Sykes.

Who'd have though, eh, Tom?

All this time, the perfect woman was right under my nose.

All I need now is a ring.

Want me to nick one for you? No, no, no, no, no, no.

Want to do it proper.

I'm going to buy one, show her that I mean it.

Rings are pricey. How you going to afford that?

I'll think of something.

What? Can I try that one? No, you're too small.

Hello, Nancy, and how are you?

Even better now I've seen you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, cos you can look after this lot.

I'm having a day off. See ya!

Bet! What you done with the kids? Oh, got rid of them.

Oh, let me have a go of that.

CHEERS

So what Fagin's idea then?

Bill?

Bill. What idea?

The job we're here for.

You know, the one that's not for the faint-hearted. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Job, yeah, come on. Follow me.

LOUD DOOR KNOCK

Fagin, open the door!

LOUD DOOR KNOCK

Fagin! I'm not stupid.

I know you're in there.

How do you know I'm in here?

Cos you're never anywhere else, you pillock!

Right, I've got a key, I'm coming in, but make sure you're decent.

Me, decent?

Ha, that'll be the day! I can't wait any longer for rent.

Fagin, I need it today.

Not tomorrow morning, not Friday breakfast.

Today, now, this instant!

This is all I got.

Take it or leave it.

It's fat.

Keep your fat!

It's money I want.

I got a husband in the debtor's prison!

Every day I'm late with payments the interest rockets!

His debts are chasing me like a rabid pig!

I can't outrun 'em any more!

He ain't well. I've never seen him so bad!

Oh, Min! Don't you "Oh, Min!" me!

Just get me the money. All right.

I can't have him die in that place

cos I was soft on you and your flock of brats!

Where are they? I've sent them to Carnival.

Oh, on a jolly? No, no, no, no.

Getting money, lots of it.

Oh, well, that's handy,

cos if you don't pay by tomorrow morning, you're out.

And I don't want you taking my pots and pans and my linens neither!

I need to be able to rent to someone who can afford the going rate.

Respectable types.

No need for that. Bill's with them. He'll knock them into shape.

They'll be pocket-dipping galore.

I wouldn't be surprised if they bring back six month's rent.

Well, let's hope they do, eh, for your sake.

Otherwise, you'll be bedding down in the doss-house.

I mean it.

Ow!

Too hot!

Gather round, listen.

At a Carnival, the best tent for picking pockets

is that one there...

Get pricked by the spines of Cactus Man!

..because nobody's watching their wallets.

They're all too busy looking at the oddbods in cages.

Look into the eye of the Cyclops!

Nah, I hate freak shows.

What's fun about gawping at someone just cos they look a bit different?

They can't help it, can they? I love them. They're well funny.

Well, I ain't going in. I know why.

Cos they'll mistake you for one of the freaks, won't they? Ooh!

What you say?

You heard me.

Oi, what's going over there?

Get off!

Oi! You're making a scene!

You lot, no trouble in my theatre.

Police, get 'em!

Trouble! Run!

Run!

Stop them!

POLICE WHISTLE BLOWS

Oi, you pebble!

You messed it all up. We can't rob them now!

Go, go, go!

They went that way. Thanks, mate.

Idiot!

HEAVY-BREATHING FIGURE APPROACHES

Oh, you're back early.

Must be a good one?

Was that it?

What about the punters in the freak show tent?

Well, we never went in, did we?

Why not? Tom and Polly started scrapping. Ssh!

Where is she now?

Dunno. The police came, so we had to do a runner.

Then we split up.

You're supposed to be robbin' incognito,

not making an exhibition of yourself.

Polly jumped me.

Why did she do that? I don't know. She just flipped for no reason.

You said she belonged in the freak show. I never said that.

Anybody else hear this thing that he never said?

Right...

..come here.

I've had it with you, son.

You're a liability.

What's that?

You've lost your bottle.

You couldn't nick fluff out of your own belly button.

Yeah, that's cos I've got an outie.

Ever since you come out of prison, you've been a box of nerves, right?

Taking your frustration out on everybody else

cos you know you've lost it.

Bullying, teasing, causing trouble.

Don't talk rubbish.

I'm on the breadline here and you're another mouth to feed,

and all I get is gip.

Well, time's up.

All right, time's up, is it?

Get out!

Now!

Get out, get out! Whoa!

Talk to me like that!

Fagin! Fagin!

You don't mean it, do ya? Fagin!

Never seen him like this before.

Things must be dark in his head.

You all right, Fagin?

Hey, look at this.

Won myself a bag of walnuts.

You know, I didn't even nick them. I won them fair and square.

HE SIGHS

You was supposed to be looking after the youngsters.

What you talking about? I did.

Oh, did you?

Toffee apple, walnuts.

Where are the kids, eh?

Where's Polly?

You know her and Tom had a scrap and she didn't come home?

I wish you'd never come back.

Oh, thank you, that's nice to know.

I don't need this.

I'm not a kid any more.

Aren't ya? Giddying off to the fair?

Anyway, where you going to go?

I'm all you've got.

Keep your nuts!

I hope you choke on 'em!

Oi, you, I need an engagement ring!

Sorry, sir, we're just closed.

No, you ain't.

What do ladies like, huh?

Now...

Er, it's too pearly.

That was too necklacey.

Well, that one looks like a cup.

That IS a cup. Oh.

Ooh, now that...

..that will look sensational on Nancy's hand.

Yeah, I'll take that one.

I think that might be a bit out of your price range, sir.

No, it ain't.

Come on.

Open up. Come on!

Where's my necklace? How did I get here?

Don't make so much noise or the Rossinis will come in and beat us!

They own you now. Own me? What you talking about "own me"?

Let me out!

You're just another freak in their show like us.

Freak show?

I ain't going anywhere near a freak show!

It's too late for that.

Who are you anyway?

Fanny. Emlyn. Kenneth.

Don't be alarmed by our appearances.

The Rossinis stuck a cow's eye right in the centre of me crust.

It's rubbish close up,

but from a distance really puts the punters off their pollock.

You'll never believe what I've bought. You're going to love this.

Do as they say, girl. He's dangerous.

Proper shocker!

HE LAUGHS

A real oddity this time, and no additional work required.

Oi, you, out!

So what do you reckon?

She don't look anything special to me.

You ain't seen her freaky bit yet.

Oi, mush, show her your duck legs.

My what? Duck legs.

She's got legs like a mallard.

Eh? No, I ain't.

Course you have. That's what I paid a fiver for!

I ain't got duck legs. I got human legs. See?

Oh, Lionel!

You've been had, like that time you bought a mermaid

and it was just a dead seal in a tutu!

That toerag told me that she had full-on duck legs -

flippers, yellow webby bits and all that and whatnot, didn't he?

What toerag? Shut up!

Well, we've got her now,

so we'll have to do something with her, won't we? Yeah.

Let's get to work on her. Yeah, come on.

Get off me!

You're not going to stick bits on my face and make me look stupid.

I dread to think what they're going to do to her.

Nancy! Nancy!

Nancy!

Nancy! Nancy!

Oh, there you are.

Can I have a word? Oh, not now, Bill.

What's the matter? Fagin's been on at me again.

I don't know what to do. I've got nowhere else to go.

I could tell you what to do.

Easy, easy, easy. Live with me.

There's a lovely space in a corner, just under the damp spot.

Just about your size.

I've never lived with a woman before, granted,

but I have lived with a dog, and you can't be that different.

Bill, I'm desperate, but I'm not that desperate.

You haven't got a choice.

It's been decided by destiny.

You can't argue with the ball.

Yeah, the carnival, the fortune teller.

She told me that when I leave the tent,

the first person I see is going to be my wife.

And that person, woman, that lucky woman, is you, sausage.

SHE LAUGHS

Bill, I don't care what the stupid ball has to say.

You know the main reason why I naffed off from Fagin's

all those years ago was because of you and your moods?

I've changed.

Have you? No! Right then.

I've had it with you, son.

You're a liability... Lost your bottle...

Couldn't nick fluff... Since you come out of prison...

Bullying... You're a liability...

Get out, now!

I suppose you won't be wanting this, then?

A knuckleduster? It's better than a wedding ring, innit?

Who wants one little ring on one finger where you can have four

on all four of your lovely little...

Mmm!

Sorry.

All right, then... Eh? ..we will have a marriage. Yeah?

Only not that kind of marriage.

It'll be a business marriage.

What's that?

Well, a man and a woman make a good team, innit?

I mean, with me by your side, think of all the scams you could pull.

Yeah, scams.

LAUGHS

This is going to come in handy, things we're going to do.

I'll give you 50/50 on all takings.

Nah, 50/50.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Halves or not at all.

Half.

You can't leave. I'm clinging on by my fingertips here.

That's your problem.

I've had enough. I'm not being your nursemaid skivvy again.

I'm better than that.

I've got talents. Yeah, talents that I gave you.

When you came back from the palace, I welcomed you with open palms.

Oh, yeah, well, eternally grateful and all that,

but I've more than paid you back over the years.

Where you going to go? There's nowhere but here.

I'm going to Bill's, if you must know.

We're striking out on our own.

You and Bill?

You slimy pair of toads.

You walk out of here, you're never coming back.

Fine by me.

DOOR SLAMS

This is serious.

That's Nancy, Tom, Polly, all gone in one day.

We could be next.

Polly's not back yet?

What if something happened to her?

All right, listen, right. This is what we're going to do.

Go to the carnival, have a look around.

If we find her and bring her back, Fagin will be happy, right?

Now, come on, let's go.

Sit still, will ya?

You'll make it worse.

Stop fidgeting, you little worm!

Ooh, stop it!

What are we going to do with you?

Crocodile, snake...no.

Donkey? No.

Elephant? Too small.

What's all that for? Shut up!

Voila!

LAUGHS

Hold still!

Yes.

What we going to call her, then?

I know - Ram Girl.

Part-ram, part-human.

But rams are fellas, in't they?

Even more of an oddity then, innit?

Ooh!

I think you're on to a winner there, Lionel, eh?

When I get out of here, I'll make you pay for this.

I'll make you wish you'd never been born! Baa-baa!

Feisty little thing, ain't she?

I'll tell you what, why don't you get the glue pot,

I'll get these ready and we'll stick 'em on her.

Oh, but first we need to cut a patch for those horns, don't we?

Yeah, hold still unless you want me to nip one of your lobes off!

Come here!

What do you want? Fagin turfed me out.

So? I've got nowhere else to go.

I can't even afford a doss-house.

BILL PRETENDS TO CRY

It's not my problem. Find somewhere else. I've got company.

Who took that rap for you over that house-break up Shoreditch way?

Quiet!

Don't want people earwigging!

Right?

Oh, no, not Tom.

What you doing here? I've come here to get away from that lot.

Get rid of him.

But... Ka-ka-ka...Ssh!

Quiet, quiet.

Let me deal with this.

Nance, I do sort of owe the boy.

Don't care. He could come in handy for jobs and that.

As a what? He could do the grubby stuff that we don't want to do! No!

Nance, Nance...

We could use him.

All right, then, we'll try him out.

But if he ain't any good, he goes.

Yes, if you ain't any good, you goes.

Now, move it, furry chops.

You are in Bullseye's bed.

Sit!

Go on.

Good boy.

BULLSEYE BARKS

Right, now, what's this idea you was telling me about?

Oh, yeah, the idea.

So it might be a nice little pocket-filler...

..but there's a catch.

What kind of catch?

It's a very, very bad thing.

Like, go to Hell bad.

Well, I'm already halfway there.

Might as well go the whole hog.

THEY LAUGH

Help! Help me! Help me!

He's going to kill me!

Oh, we're too late!

It's gone.

We always leave such a mess behind and muggins here has to sweep it up.

That's Polly's necklace.

Oi, give it back! It's mine.

Where did you get it? Fell off one of the wagons.

Finders keepers.

You mean Polly's in one of the wagons?

How should I know? Do you think they've taken her?

Where have they gone?

I don't talk without a penny in my palm.

Just tell us, will ya, or I'll sweep you a new face!

All right, all right.

They left for Rochester a few hours ago.

That's the last stop before they leave the continent.

The continent?

You mean France and then Gibraltar?

Yeah. Now can I have my broom back?

Shall we tell Fagin?

We ain't got time. Which way's Rochester?

That way.

Oh, no, it's THAT way!

Got it wrong.

Rouse yourself!

We got a job on - house-break.

Whose house? You'll see.

THEY LAUGH

So where's this house then?

You're looking at it.

This ain't a house.

Yes, it is.

It's God's house.

Now, take this axe,

crack open the door

and smash open the collection box.

That's for the poor, ain't it?

You want to be in our little outfit,

you've got to prove yourself or you're out!

This ain't kids' stuff any more.

You're with the big boys now.

Fagin said you'd lost your bottle.

I ain't lost my bottle.

Well, show us, then! Go on!

Sweet dreams, mutton breath.

See you at the show in the morning.

HE LAUGHS

You all right, love?

No.

What have they done to her?

Oh, that looks unpleasant.

Yeah, it is.

How am I supposed to sleep?

Can't even lie down.

Here, lean on this.

When do you think we'll make the crossing to the continent?

Day after tomorrow.

Rossinis said it were for good this time.

For good?

We're never coming back?

What do you mean? We're never coming back?

Didn't you know?

We're going on a tour to Europe.

More money to be made there.

I can't go to Europe.

I've got to go home.

I never said goodbye.

First night's always the worst.

You'll get used to it.

No, I won't.

I'll never get used to this!

She's right.

15 years I've been here.

I never got used to it.

Why do you let them treat you like this?

We get fed and watered,

which is more than we get begging on the street.

You're either dressing up like this or at t'workhouse.

I used to be a tosher, rummaging through the sewers, night and day,

knee-deep in bum grease, just searching for the odd groat.

There was no way to make a living.

The Rossinis know this.

That is where they take advantage.

We've got no choice.

Everyone's got a choice.

I feel so stupid, so embarrassed!

I don't want to be here!

I want to go home.

God bless. Here's to the big man.

THEY LAUGH

Who, me?

What did I tell you? Tom done good there.

You were right. Yeah, it's a fair old haul.

Ssh! You'll wake him!

Bill, tell me the truth, how did you pay for this knuckleduster?

That'd be telling. Did you nick it? No!

No, I didn't nick it. Come on.

Tell me, we're a team. I didn't.

No secrets. All right, all right.

I sold Polly to the freak show at the carnival.

Ah, you never? I did.

I said, right, she had duck legs.

THEY LAUGH

That is clever. I know.

Bit cruel, though, innit?

Not a very nice life, Carnival.

Oh, don't be so soft. She'll have a lovely life.

She'll get to travel the world, meet new people.

She'll learn to quack. Quack-quack!

THEY LAUGH

They're in Rochester now and they'll be on the Continent next week.

She's going to go far, that girl.

Let's toast to our little Polly, duck-legged little Polly.

Our little Polly. Our little Polly. Quackity-quack-quack-quack!

Oh, where are we?

This is a nightmare.

We should be here by now.

Where you going?

Going back. That crossing sweeper stitched us up.

It's your fault for trying to broom his face.

Wakey-wakey!

Rise and shine!

Polly and Dodger, stand by your beds.

Pol, Tangy.

Tangy, Tangy, Tangy.

Ah, not funny, not funny.

I got ya.

Dodger.

Charley?

Ha!

After all I've done...

..they left me.

Traitors!

Idiot.

All your life.

LOUD BANGS

I've broke my spoon now.

Got my rent then, have ya?

First Nancy, now Dodger and the others.

All abandoned me.

If they don't pay me, I can't pay you so...

..I'm going.

OK, see you, then.

Now you want to kick me out.

I'm friendless and alone.

No point in being around any more.

Do you want to lay it on any thicker?

We come into this Earth alone.

We leave this Earth alone.

Unless you're a twin.

I hope somebody rents the attic.

Got a couple of families lined up already, actually.

Ah, good.

I'm going then. Yeah, so you keep saying.

End of an era, innit?

What era? The era where you don't pay me no money?

I hope you ain't nicked any of my linens!

I don't nick linens.

Bye. Ta-ta!

Fagin...

Aah, Minnie...

..I knew you wouldn't see me on the street.

I need my key back.

Now sling your hook.

MOURNFUL VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

BULLSEYE WHIMPERS

Tom!

He's taken the money! What?

He's taken the money. He's taken the money? He's taken the money!

They money? He's taken the money!

I'm going to kill him.

I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Rossini's Quirks of Nature.

Ladies, have your smelling salts at the ready.

Gentlemen, you better have yours at the ready too.

I hope none of you have had a big dinner,

cos it's bound to end up on the floor!

Behold the Cactus Man from Mars...

Graaar!

..who landed on our planet in a meteor gust,

whose deadly spines have the power to cause thunderstorms

and give wasps headaches.

Beware the Cyclops.

Aaargh!

Now this monstrosity was spat out of Hell's back passage.

His single eye can see nothing but evil...

Aaargh!

..and he feeds on the innocent flesh of puffins.

Aaargh!

Oh, yes, you are right to tremble and quake,

for this is Kandaka,

part-dog, part-ape,

the missing link.

And finally, my latest attraction.

The treat you're about to meet has never been seen before.

Half-human, half-ram.

Behold, as you witness one of God's biggest blunders.

Ladies and gentlemen...

..Ram Girl!

I said, Ram Girl.

Get up and turn around.

I want my money back. No.

I said get up and turn around.

Oh, just do as he says, girl, just do as he says.

Come on, do the little jig I taught you.

Do it.

LAUGHTER

Put some more oomph into it.

I'll give you oomph! Come here!

You see how wild she is, ladies and gentlemen?

See what I've got to put up with?

I hope these iron bars can hold her, or we'll all be torn to shreds.

Think it's funny, do ya?

APPLAUSE

Can't be far now. You said that three hours ago.

I've got little legs, remember. I'm tired now.

Oh, come on!

All right, Fagin. I'm sure I can squeeze you in somewhere.

COUGHING

How much for the bed? Fourpence.

What about the rug? Tuppence.

Look, if you want one, you have to be quick

cos I've only got one space left.

I ain't got enough for the bed.

It'll have to be a rug.

Squeeze in there next to that geezer.

MAN RETCHES AND SPITS

Eh, old Ram Girl's my finest creation yet.

Oh, cease your boasting, will ya?

You ain't stopped jabbering about that all night.

You're just jealous because my acts make more bunts

than your fortune-telling codswallop!

If you don't shut up, your future's going to come to a very sudden end.

You wouldn't dare. Try me.

I'm going to check on the menagerie and have a squad in the river.

I'm knocking off now. It's all quiet here. Yeah, yeah.

Right.

Where am I?

Mr Rossini?

Who's asking?

Can I have a word?

Who are you?

Someone sold something to you that wasn't for sale.

I want to buy it back.

What was it? Polly.

Who?

The Ram Girl.

Ah.

She's not for sale.

I'll offer you twice what you paid, all right?

No, she's mine.

Now clear off!

Well?

Out!

It's no use.

They won't come off.

It's a special glue the Rossinis use.

You have to wait for your skin to shed.

How long's that going to take? How long is a piece of string?

Yeah, well, I ain't giving up.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, yes.

It's no use, love, you're never getting out of here.

Rossini's clowns are everywhere.

Don't you think we've tried?

There's no escape.

KEYS JANGLE

Tom, what you doing here?

I've come to rescue you. I thought I belonged in one of these?

Bill sold you to the Carnival to get Nancy a wedding ring.

Bill? Bill sold me?

He said you had duck legs.

You ain't got duck legs, have ya?

What do you think? Don't look at me like that.

I nicked all of his money to buy you back.

Oh! Did you now?

Trying to steal our freaks, were you, eh?

Lionel!

Lionel! What? Lionel! What you want? I'm busy!

Eh, what's going on here?

We've got a thief.

A nasty little thief.

Hold on a minute,

you're a little bleeder who tried to buy back Ram Girl. Eh?

Grab him!

He tried to bite me! Animal!

He's a lively one, this one.

So what we going to do with this one?

Stick a snout on him and call him Porky Boy!

Good idea. In the cage.

It's empty. They've gone.

How did they get out?

Get in the cage!

Now you know how it feels.

How are we going to get out of here?

You're the mind-reader.

I found their cash.

See, I don't need YOUR money.

I've got the money from the real freaks in there, the Rossinis.

It's all their takings.

Right, let's dish this out then, shall we?

Right, that's for you.

That's for you.

That's for you, and the rest is for me.

See you later. Stay safe.

Help! Help us!

Polly! We've come to rescue you.

You're a bit late. I rescued myself.

What about me?

Eh?

Help! Waste of time.

Polly, what you doing here?

Come to take you home.

We ain't got an home. We're gaffless.

Why do you think I'm kipping on a rope?

Oh, my dears...

..you come back!

We never left.

Tom! Couldn't nick the fluff from my own belly button, eh?

I knew you had it in ya!

Ha-ha!

Where'd you get this from? From the poor box at church.

You never nick from the poor.

I've taught you better than that.

It's like picking your own pocket.

You steal from the Almighty, he'll steal from you.

Now, this is going back where it belongs.

MAN RETCHES AND SPITS

Oi, here.

Do the world a favour - buy yourself a bowl to flob in.

Right, let's get out of this gaff.

Yes! Terrible service.

A round of the usual for the gang, and our gaff back, please.

Polly, do the honours.

Hmm, not bad. I'm having that.

Oi, not all of it!

You're three months behind.

Well, at least you can get your husband out now.

Who?

Oh, me husband, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, will he ever get out?

Chitling, where's my money?

Now, Bill, I can explain, all right.

Hello, Bill.

Oh...hello, Pol.

What are you doing here?

Hope you're not too sentimental about those teeth of yours.

Or any other part of your body.

Aaargh!

Freedom!

Shut up. Shut up.