Original subtitles

We are pickpockets. Oi! We're a family, see?

And like a family, we look after each other.

Where are your mum and dad? How should I know?

There's more to that girl than you know.

Tom, you've got some competition with the young Dodger here!

Oi! Police!

Chief of police under pressure to hunt down child criminal!

£20 reward! That's a lot of money!

Get out the way! What if we found him and we didn't tell the boss?

We could split it half and half.

You are under arrest.

Get off! You were lucky this time.

Argh! One day, your luck's going to run out.

Who gives Dodger's orders? BANG

Wakey, wakey! Wakey, shiny! BANGING

Fagin, it's three o'clock in the morning.

Best time of day if you're an owl.

Lots of vulnerable prey sleeping, eh, Dodger?

That's right. Come on, I need some muscle.

We got a job to do.

Right. I'm going back to bed.

A man with skin this wrinkled needs all the beauty kip he can muster.

Well, come on.

There's a guard. Is he armed? Yeah. And legged.

Right, leave this to me.

That dog looks hungry.

SNARLS Who's there? Who's there?

Oh, it's you!

Hello, Pansy. Good girl!

SIGHS You all right, Dodge?

You better get a wriggle on, mate. My shift's nearly over.

Oh, don't worry, Nev. I've got a crack team with me.

Oi! Phweep!

Give me your hands.

It's a big brown crate at the top of the stairs. You can't miss it.

What's inside? Don't know.

You don't know? We don't know what we're nicking?

Nah, that's part of the fun, ain't it?

Like a lucky dip. Yeah.

Thanks for the tip off.

I'll sort you out. Sweet.

Right, who's doing the honours?

Polly. What? Knock him out for me, will you?

Make it look like a proper job.

With pleasure. Oh, I love this bit.

You ready?

BOOF

Mind your fingers.

What is it?

Whatever it is, it better be worth a hernia -

nearly popped my groin going up those stairs.

I wish your gob got a hernia - then you might shut up.

He wouldn't stop moaning all the way home.

Got a good feeling about this one, Fagin.

My source said it needed 24-hour protection.

It must be something really, really special.

What's that say?

Fragile. Fragile?

For the attention of Sir Thomas Pettigrew,

British Museum, London, England. British Museum?

Let's just get it open!

All right. Oh, I've got some crowbars under my pillow.

Ha-ha-ha!

Just minding my own business and then - whack!

Took me from behind.

But you got punched on the nose.

Yeah, sort of, you know, swung round.

Thief must have had a bendy arm.

And what time did this attack occur?

Sometime between the beginning of my shift and the end.

How long's your shift? 16 hours.

And what did they take? Just a crate.

Will you stop copying me? Sorry, sorry. And take your own notes down?

And why am I asking all the questions?

You do it for a change. Go on.

Oh. Erm...

What's your favourite colour? Maroon.

What's your favourite animal? Pigeons.

What's your favourite food? Whelks, actually. Do you want one?

Oh, no. They smell like death. I think they're off.

This isn't your first date!

Ask him some proper questions that's going to help us solve the crime.

OK.

Erm...

Who did the crate belong to?

Ahem! My name is Sir Thomas Pettigrew and I have a crate

ready for collection.

Oh.

Right, come on. CLANGING

This is exciting.

One... BOTH: ..two, three!

Nice, come on. Right.

Stolen? No! Have no fear. We'll catch the crooks who did this.

No, you don't understand. Whoever stole that crate is in danger.

The contents are lethal.

If unleashed, hundreds, maybe thousands, could perish!

We must catch them!

What's inside? Is it a bomb or something?

Something far more dangerous than you could possibly imagine.

Is this a joke? It's just a lump of old wood.

Get it out.

What? Get it out!

Get it out!

BANGING

Fagin! It's an Egyptian mummy!

Fagin! You find Pettigrew and you give him his mummy back.

You heard him - get it out! Get out of here!

Ah, Judge Fang!

Hello, Charles. Well, I never.

Good week in court? Marvellous.

Sent a gaggle of 10-year-olds down for life.

What was their crime? Busking.

Bit severe. You didn't hear their singing.

What brings you to this unrolling? I was unaware you're a mummy buff?

Oh, not particularly. It's rather morbid, if you ask me.

No. Thomas Pettigrew was the victim of theft,

and I'm here in my capacity as chief of police.

This is it. The British Museum.

Let's go round the back. Keep out of sight.

Next time I see that Neville, I'll put him in a box.

He said it was treasure.

You going to help or what? I ain't touching that thing.

I ain't getting more cursed than I already am.

All right. You stay here and look after it.

I'll find out where we can dump it.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the British Museum,

surgeon, antiquarian and expert on ancient Egyptian mummification,

Sir Thomas Pettigrew. APPLAUSE

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Today we step back in time.

Within this sarcophagus, which was discovered buried

beneath the pyramids of Egypt, lies a human being

who walked in the sunshine 2,000 years ago.

THEY GASP

Today, I will unwrap the bandages and reveal the mummy's remains

for the very first time.

APPLAUSE

THEY GASP

A foot.

Behold, a knee bone.

Perfectly preserved.

Oh, my!

This is the mummy of a high priest.

How do I know?

Because of this!

THEY EXCLAIM You are right to gasp.

For this is the prism of the Pharaohs.

During this period,

human beings were sacrificed to the gods at dawn.

The high priest would strap the offering to a stone table.

He would place the prism onto a staff

and stand the staff on the ground.

As the light of the rising sun shone through the prism,

a spectrum of light would land on the heart of the offering.

And when it did, the priest would strike,

killing the sacrificial victim and pleasing the gods.

The body would be mummified and the tomb have a curse

put upon it to destroy all those who dare open the sarcophagus.

And there is a mummified high priest.

Gaze upon him.

2,000 years old.

THEY CLAP

And now you - yes, you - can own a piece of history.

Because, believe it or not, this mummy is for sale.

I will start the bidding at £20.

£20. Thank you, sir.

Do I have an advance on that? £30. £30?

Do I have an advance on £30?

£100. THEY GASP

£100, ladies and gentlemen!

THEY CLAP

And please, please, don't forget you can buy more mummy merchandise

and copies of my book after the lecture.

Thank you, sir. The mummy is yours.

THEY CLAP

Change of plan. We're keeping the mummy.

What? Come on.

Of course, I've known Pettigrew ever since he was a medical student.

Got himself into a spot of bother in the name of science,

and I helped clear his name.

Wonderful chap! Ah, man of the hour!

Fascinating lecture! Thank you, Josiah.

This is my friend Charles Rowan, who, as you may know,

took one in the rear for me at Waterloo and saved my life.

I wonder if I could speak to Sir Charles in private?

Yes, of course.

I'll leave you to it.

Have the wrinkled Egyptian chap sent to my London address,

will you, Thomas? Yes. Yes.

Well, have you found my mummy?

Not yet. Let me assure you, we're doing all we can.

You don't understand - this is no ordinary case.

What has been stolen from me is dangerous.

It is the mummy of Khnum Khufu,

second pharaoh of the Fourth Dynasty.

And his power is strong!

If his sarcophagus is opened, it will unleash its hellish fury

onto whoever comes into contact with the remains.

Whoever touches it, breathes in the ancient tomb dust

or even looks at it will be cursed forever.

You surprise me. I thought you were a rational man of science.

You surely don't believe in all this mumbo-jumbo.

Yes.

Yes, I do.

And so should you.

It's the latest craze, the crowd will go mad for it.

They were all buying bits of the mummy - bandages, bones,

dirty fingernails, ratty hair.

It's easy money.

Oh, I nicked the fella's book. Might come in handy.

And you reckon we could do this and all?

Yeah, start off here in the pub, see how it goes.

And then we could take it anywhere.

Oh, we're sitting on a gold mine here.

Have you got cloth in your ears or something?

Didn't you hear what Fagin said? He runs the gaff here, not you.

And if he says we shift it, then we shift it.

Excuse me, this is my place. Not his.

I reckon you're on to something here.

Yeah. Don't tell the old wizard upstairs. He'll be none the wiser.

Who cares if we get cursed, so long as we make a few quid?

Ladies and gents - Friday night cockfight is cancelled.

THEY GROAN

Don't worry, we have got an Egyptian mummy unrolling instead.

THEY CHEER Tomorrow night. Tuppence a ticket.

Don't be late. Get your tickets nice and early.

First come, first served.

Bring all your mates - your mum, your nan, your gran, your dad.

Seven o'clock sharp. Your uncles, your aunts, your cousins...

SPEECH FADES

Oi, Charley, could you read this to me before the unrolling?

Just so I don't sound like I'm full of twaddle.

History of Egyptian Mummies. Chapter I.

"King Khufu was known as the Butcher of Egypt.

"He ruled for 20 violent years..."

"..and washed in the blood of his enemies."

This is what he looks like.

Are you saying that that ugly thing is downstairs in that box?

Yeah, but, you know, he's dead.

Just a bag of bones.

Right?

"The tyrant worshipped the evil god Seth -

"a god of storms, disorder and violence."

"His followers sacrificed men, women and children

"at dawn on the first day of every month."

I don't like this bedtime story.

Can you tell me the one about Goldilocks

and the porridge instead?

"They say he killed thousands."

"Anyone who disturbed his tomb would..."

"..die a horrid..." "..painful..." "..death.

THUNDERCLAP

But that's what we've just done - disturbed the dusty geezer's tomb.

I haven't much time. It's killed once. It will kill again.

Dodger, if I die a horrible, painful death

cos you disturbed that fella's tomb, I'm going to kill you.

My dog is dying and I am next.

Who are you? What do you want?

The theft at the warehouse. Pettigrew's mummy.

I was in on it. Inside job.

What? I know taking other people's things is wrong,

but I needed to buy a wig for my nan and they're very expensive.

She wanted real hair, you see, and...

Get to the point! GROANS

I let them rob the warehouse for a cut of the goods.

I didn't know what was in that crate.

I thought it was gold.

And now I'm cursed by the mummy's powers.

I seek forgiveness so that I may pass into the next life unscathed.

Tell me, man, who stole it?

It was a boy. A boy?

A boy... ..named...

..Dodger.

Right, I think I've got just the room for your mummy unrolling.

Dunno what state it's in.

Like your mummy mate, it ain't been opened up for some time.

Give it a bit of a spring clean and it'll be perfect for you.

CRASHING Oh!

That won't happen again. CRASHING

Only two minutes to the end of the shift. Nearly 12 o'clock.

I hate working nights. I like it.

It's just like working during the day, but at night, innit?

Just sort of swap it around.

Oh, you should do what I do. What's that, then?

You stay awake all night, then you sleep all day.

You just draw the curtains and it's like bedtime.

I know how night and day works, Duff.

Trouble is, I don't get any kip when I get home.

I've got a sick wife and ten sprogs to deal with all in one room.

I'd like kids one day.

But me and my wife can't seem to make them.

Got all the ingredients, but the cake won't bake.

You should count yourself lucky, mate.

DOOR OPENS There we go.

Men, men.

Here is a list of every antique shop, jewellers

and pawnbrokers in London and Middlesex, all 589 of them.

I want them checked now.

Find Pettigrew's stolen mummy and we find Dodger.

He's the thief.

Great. Let's get on this then, shall we?

I can't believe this.

I'm one of London's most wanted fugitives.

I've done a year inside with some of Britain's

toughest criminals and now look at me.

Should be mugging, not mopping.

Hope he knows what he's doing.

Messing with mummies and the unknown. It's right murky.

He's doing summat right cos we're sold out.

I know it's silly, but sometimes

I feel as if that thing's still alive.

It can't hear us, can it?

The Butcher bathed in the blood of his enemies.

It's blood! It's blood, look!

CRASH

Oh, that was close.

Oh, nah, nah, nah. Fagin was right.

I ain't hanging about down here. Yeah, me neither.

Nor me! We ain't finished yet.

RATTLING Fagin, open the door.

What is it? It's Dodger.

He hasn't got rid of the mummy, it's in the pub crying tears of blood.

Get in!

Not you! You deserve everything you get!

Fagin, what have you done here? What have you done?

What is all this? Protection.

We need all the help we can get.

The whole place is covered in holy shebang.

Nothing can get us in here. Get in a circle and pray for us all.

I think I preferred it out there.

If you want to go in there with them, I understand.

Nah, that mummy thing's as dead as a door knob.

And I ain't never been scared of door knobs.

Yeah, we'll roll that mummy ourselves and keep all the cash.

Their loss! Come on.

OK, Stebbing's pawnbrokers, antiques and jewellers.

Hurry up. It's closed! Come on then, next one.

Come on. No mummies in here.

You have disturbed the ancient spirits of Egypt.

Ibis, Herbis, the dog-headed thing - they're all livid.

Nothing can save us now.

Ticket holders only. Come on.

Oi! No pushing. Oi, oi. Wait your turn.

Nice orderly queue, please.

Yeah. Very special, what we've got in here. A mummy!

Who wants to see one? Oi, oi! You at the back!

Punters are at the door.

Right, better let them in, then.

Come on, Charley. You can come in now. Show's coming up.

Come on, come on. That's it.

Come on, hurry up. We got a show to do.

All right, Bill? All right? You've paid?

Quickly! Move!

DOOR SLAMS

Ladies and gentlemen, you are in for a treat, my friends.

History lovers and thrill seekers...

..this may well be the finest night of your lives. Cos it ain't his!

THEY LAUGH

I will now open the sarcophagus.

Oh!

And remember, this mummy thing hasn't been opened for...

..a million years.

Charley.

GROANS

THUNDERCLAP

And behold - for these are the ancient leftovers

of the most fearsome ruler of Egypt.

King Corfu.

Here we go.

Excuse me, sir.

I see you are a pawnbroker and a jeweller.

That I am, I dabble in high and low end trinkets,

tiaras and antiquities.

I seek an Egyptian sarcophagus, six foot tall.

You haven't come across one lately, have you?

Afraid not, but I've got a lovely stuffed mandrill

and a couple of shrunken heads in my Swaffham branch.

No, it's not the sort of thing I'm after. Shame.

Looking for a mummy then, are you? Yes.

There's a little mummy unrolling event

I know about happening tonight.

Yeah, here we go.

It's coming, it's coming.

What's going to be inside?

Where? Oh, it'll cost you.

Oh. Here.

Where? Oh, that's a...

That's a lovely pocket watch you've got there.

Now, where is it happening? Thank you.

Fiddler's Arms, it's a pub. Saffron Hill.

Kicks off at 7:00pm o'clock.

Thank you.

But shh! It's a secret!

Don't tell anyone!

Fagin, I need the toilet. Hold it in. For how long?

Eternity. How long's that? Shut up.

SNIFFS Phew! Eurgh!

Oh, is that my breath?

No, it's that. It'll be in here somewhere.

GAGS

People have come to see a mummy, not a box of dirt.

No, no. It's in here. Wait a second.

I want my money back.

And I didn't even pay in the first place.

That's weird. It's moving!

Oh, eurgh! What's that?

Argh! Back! Back! CROWD CLAMOUR

They're coming for me! They're coming for me!

Bullseye, come back!

Argh!

It's gone in his mush!

He swallowed it!

Get up here! They might bite!

Another pawnbroker. Any mummy in here?

I don't think so. Looks like it's closed.

Where's my mummy? Who are you? What do you want?

Oi! That's my mummy, and you're holding it.

I want it back.

SCREAMS Coming from over there. Come on.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

My beauties! Lock the door, lock the door. Pick them up, quickly!

You scared off all my customers.

Hang about, I've seen these beetles before.

Fancy ladies wear them as brooches. Give it to me.

Oh.

Nobody move.

Just there.

Get that one for me. It's the queen.

She's worth a fortune. She lays all the eggs.

Fortune, eh?

Oh!

Good boy.

Give it to me now. Stay back.

What's your game, mister?

Tell me the truth...

..or I'll squash her!

No! OK.

The beetles incubate in the dung.

It's illegal to import beetle larva into Britain,

so I hid it in the sacking.

You crafty bleeder!

By the time the sarcophagus arrived in England, the larvae

should have metamorphosed into pupa.

But the timing is critical.

I had to get the sarcophagus back at the right time

before they hatched, and it was too late because you stole it.

So all this thing about a curse...

..it was all just nonsense?

The ancient Egyptians used curses to stop their tombs being plundered.

It kept thieves away.

So you're just a scammer like the rest of us? Yes!

Give it to me now.

RINGS

Customers. Come on, Charley, I need backup.

Oh, look, it's the POLICE.

Gentlemen, what can I get for you?

Oh, can I have some ginger beer, please, and some pork itchings?

Perry, want anything? We're on duty! Yes.

"Mummy unrolling."

Duff! Let's go! Now, come back. You need a ticket.

You need a ticket.

Phweep!

Gentlemen, we need look no further. I found it.

Unfortunately, it is still sealed,

which means we have been spared the horrendous curse.

Where's Dodger? Who? The thief, Dodger.

Oh, a boy? Small boy.

So high, dirty face. Yeah.

I stopped the scamp trying to reveal the mummy

and I stopped him and he simply fled. You let him go?

He is but a child. He's not just a child, sir.

No. He's the most wanted on our list of most wanted.

He's a good for nothing little scamp, the lowest of the low.

Have you seen him? Me? No, no. I ain't seen no boy.

I've been too busy on the pumps. Hang on a minute.

When we arrived, we saw a lot of people running out of the pub

screaming something about beetles. Beetles?

This was crawling up my leg. Is that a beetle?

That's a beetle. Beetles? I know nothing about Beetles.

Now, gentlemen, whilst I appreciate your help,

I really must get this mummy buried once and for all.

All right, sir.

Good evening.

Good evening, sir. Good evening to you, sir.

Thank you, officers.

That was weird. That was definitely weird.

That is a beetle... THUNDERCLAP

I think we'd better get back to the station.

I don't like... I don't like thunder and lightning. No, no, no, no.

Come on, let's go. Let's go on, back to the station. All right.

It's this way. Yeah.

Duff! Duff!

Fagin. Fagin, open the door.

Where is it? What have you done with it?

The mummy were fake, full of dung. There's no curse.

You can come out your hibernation now. No-one's out to get you.

What was in the box?

Beetles. Pettigrew was smuggling them from Egypt.

The curse was just to scare off thieves - told us himself.

Well, what about the blood? The mummy's tears?

Someone knocked over the red paint, must have dripped through the cracks

in the floorboards.

I feel a right berk now.

Muffed all the walls up as well.

I'll never get this off.

It's all nonsense. Made it up anyway.

Yeah, I never believed it. No such thing as a curse.

Where's Dodger?

Fatima, help me with this lid.

Ah! Ha-ha!

Perfect.

How was your journey?

Pretty comfy, considering.

Welcome to my home, young Dodger.

Please meet Fatima, my housekeeper and fellow Egyptologist.

I can't thank you enough, Mr Pettigrew. You saved my bacon.

Oh, nonsense. Honour amongst thieves and all that, etc.

Those of us who bend the law should stick together.

Yeah. Right.

Oh, you can have your queen beetle thing back now.

Oh, thank you.

And, oh, Fatima... Yes.

..would you take those to the jeweller first thing in the morning.

Usual price, but knock a pound off for the trouble? Yes.

Fatima, get the members of the society together

for a private event.

What do you need the boy for?

Oh, don't worry about that.

Hurry.

I'd better be going too. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You must be famished. I'm always famished.

Why don't we put a stop to that? Would you like some supper?

I wouldn't say no.

Well, now, you are filthy.

Can't have you dining like that, can we?

You'll muddy up the napkins.

What say we get you spruced up?

Why not? Wonderful.

So Dodger was definitely there... Yes, sir.

..and carrying out a mummy unrolling of his own? That's right.

He must have upped and ran, sir.

And Pettigrew had no idea where he went? No, sir.

There's something else, sir.

Take a look at this.

It's a scarab beetle.

Scarabaeidae?

How did you get this? These things are worth a small fortune.

I found it in a pub, sir.

It was scuttling around that big Egyptian box thing.

Now, what if Pettigrew smuggled it in?

Smuggled it in?

Don't talk bilge, man!

Sir Thomas Pettigrew would never get involved in anything illegal.

Not only is he a knight of the realm,

but he is also a fellow of the Royal Society. Maybe so, sir.

But he also got done for buying bodies off graverobbers

when he was a medical student.

Look, I went to the library. It's in the papers.

What? See?

Oh, yes. Justice Fang mentioned that he got in a bit of bother

in the name of science.

Exactly.

Now, I always listen to my gut, sir,

and my guts tell me there's something wrong going on here

and that Pettigrew fella is up to some bad nonsense.

Trust me, trust my guts.

"Followers of Seth had a tattoo of the sacred scarab beetle

"on the palm of their hand.

"Despite being outlawed for thousands of years,

"it is rumoured that the sacrifices still take place in secret

"and the cult of Seth is growing stronger."

KNOCKING What the blazes? Show yourself.

Mr Pettigrew sent me.

It happens tonight.

THUNDER RUMBLES What? It happens tonight.

It's no good. I can't hear you. You're going to have to speak...

No, it's been... It's been painted shut.

I can't hear you. It happens tonight. Tonight. Yes.

Yes.

Tell the others. Others. And assemble the circle.

Yes, yes, will do.

You...

You put something in my...

He's still not home.

Not like Dodger, is it?

That slimy mummy fella's disappeared with him.

We need to do something about it.

Hang about. Where is it?

What? Where's the book?

What book? The mummy one? Where's the mummy book?

I don't know. Can't read.

Somewhere, somewhere...

There, there. What? That's where he'll be.

It's his mansion in Highgate.

Highgate? Yeah. Pettigrew's mansion, Highgate.

I've got a wonky feeling Dodger's in a pickle.

CLANGING Everyone wake up.

Get down to Highgate. Dodger needs help, now.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Come on, then.

Mr Pettigrew requests you conceal your identity with one of these...

Yes, yes, very well. ..and in here are the robes.

Yes, it's rather uncomfortable, but I suppose so.

It's very coarse material, isn't it?

Do you have them in a medium? No, no.

They are all one size. Oh, they're all one size? Yes.

Oh. You see, the problem is, I think in this size

- which is far too large for me -

it's going to cut me across the hips.

It's going to make me look baggy.

Do you think? I promise you, nobody will be looking at you.

Really, this is all we have. I suppose that will have to do.

I'll try it on. Is it... Do you have a changing room?

No, but I can hold the curtain for you if you wish.

Very well. Yeah? Oh.

CLEARS THROAT

Yes, I'm going to need a valet to...

I can't seem to find the armholes.

KNOCKING

Mr Pettigrew, all of your guests have arrived.

It is almost dawn. Beautiful.

BELL RINGS

Morning, madam. Apologies for the early call.

Could we speak Sir Thomas Pettigrew? It's rather urgent.

Yes, come on.

A ka dua tuf ur biu, a ka dua tuf ur biu...

Ladies and gentlemen, our time has come.

Our secret society need wait no longer.

At last, we have a human sacrifice to Seth, God of chaos.

And who better than a boy off the streets?

No family, no friends.

Not a soul to miss him.

This juvenile criminal has been sedated and won't feel a thing.

He will join ranks with the Pharaohs.

Psst! One moment.

The police are here. Well, get rid of them.

What are you doing in there?

It's just a re-enactment for the society.

What's going on? I don't know. But the boy?

Oh, he's part of it. He's having the time of his life.

Is there a problem? No, no problem.

Go!

In accordance with the holy laws of Seth, God of storms,

disorder and violence,

once the first light of dawn strikes the prism,

the boy will die.

After his death, we will mummify his body using the methods

of the ancient Egyptians and entomb him in a sarcophagus.

Let us begin.

Ah! Dawn is rising.

Ah! You've got to help! The boy is in danger!

Mr Pettigrew has lost his mind!

He's going to mummify him!

He's going to mummify a boy? Yes! Let's go. Come on.

A ka dua tuf ur biu, a ka dua tuf ur biu...

Yes. Quick, quick.

You're late! Dawn's light is about to strike the prism.

Hurry.

CHANTING INTENSIFIES

Now! Now! Do it now!

The beam of light is on his heart! Do it now!

Yes! Argh!

We are infiltrated. Run!

We must protect our identities.

Right. Show yourself.

Take the masks off.

You're all children.

I'm going to mummify the lot of you!

What are you going to do with that?

Remove your vital organs one by one!

CLANG

Morning. Morning.

Shall we go?

That's not Dodger.

And then what happened? These lot, they all came and saved me.

They nicked these funny costumes as I was about to be sacrificed.

Tom swiped the dagger...

I'm going to mummify the lot of you!

..and then Pettigrew picked up the dagger and had them

all up against the wall.

That's when I woke up.

Then I bonked him on the head with this crystal thing and...

BONG ..we all did a runner.

Yeah, yeah. I don't care about human sacrifice.

What did you bring back? Come on!

You were in a mansion full of priceless antiques

with the owner tied up - you must have nicked something.

Oh, don't tell me - you stole a 1,000-year-old old ruby

from Pettigrew's jewellery box?

No. You stole the rhomboid you clamped him on the head with?

Nah.

What did you bring back that was priceless, then?

Me.

You know you were talking about human sacrifice. Right?

That can be arranged.

I'm going to bed.

Priceless!

Let me get this straight.

Thomas Pettigrew not only had kidnapped Dodger, but was all set

to sacrifice the boy to the gods, ending his short criminal life

for once and for all.

And you tried to stop him?

Well, thought that was our job, sir.

You know, to stop people from being killed.

You don't really want Dodger dead, do you? He's only little.

Well, so was Napoleon.

In 1814, after the Peninsular War, Britain and our allies

made one fatal mistake - rather than execute Bonaparte,

he was exiled and imprisoned on the island of Elba.

A year later, he escaped and took control of France yet again.

Had they chopped off his head when they had the chance,

there would have been no Battle of Waterloo.

4,000 British soldiers and her allies would still be breathing,

and I wouldn't have had to have had this removed from my bottom.

Sorry, what are you saying, sir?

I am saying that I want Dodger and I want him now!

Before he does any more damage.

Be that alive or dead.

The end.

False alarm. It weren't a curse.

Me and the dog ate some dodgy whelks. Bloody fruit and nut cake.

All right, come on out. BARKS