Original subtitles

Let's run through the finale one last time. Show opens tomorrow.

Lord Ruthven is not of this Earth, for he is a vampire.

Open the curtain, the sunlight will destroy him.

Nooooo!

LORD RUTHVEN HISSES

You may destroy me, but I am not the only vampire to walk the Earth.

For I have a son.

CREAKING

A son?

THUNDERCRACK SOUND EFFECT

Yes, a son!

That's George's cue.

A son, you say?

What's the little prat doing? George!

Open the trap door.

That's your cue.

Don't make me come down there.

He better not do this on the night. My manager's coming.

Right, that's it.

George.

George, where are you?

What are you doing down there?

GEORGE WHIMPERS

This is the dress rehearsal. We open on Friday.

Now is not the time to get stage fright!

GEORGE WHIMPERS

George.

George, look at me!

I s...saw it.

Saw what exactly?

The phantom!

HE SCREAMS

Read all about it.

Please raise reward for the Dodger!

Also, poisonous smog sends London coughing.

Right, it's Tang's birthday.

We need to nick her something classy.

You distract him, I'll do the nicking.

Good day, sir. I'd like to buy an instrument, please.

Get out of here, you dirty dish. We don't serve you in here.

Oh, please. How about that one?

That? You can't afford it.

Get out of here, you vermin. Get out of my sight.

Let's go!

Oi! Go! Oi!

Police! They've got my accordion!

ACCORDION CHIMES Stop! Come back!

Go! Go!

WHISTLE PEEPS Come back here! Get out the way!

Minnie, quick!

WHISTLES BLOW

Madam, have you seen a boy with a top hat

and a squeezy piano? A girl, too?

Um, no-one matching that description.

Do you mind if I have a quick look around?

Be my guest.

You look over there. Yeah, yeah.

Read all about it.

Police offer £20 for any information that leads to the capture

of the Dodger.

Happy birthday. Baked you a potato.

Well, go on, then.

WHEEZES, GASPS BREATHLESSLY

I can't do it, I don't have enough puff.

It's the fog. It's all over London. Playing havoc with her breathing.

I'll blow your candles out for you.

What's your birthday wish?

I wish I was better.

Selfish!

Leave it out, she's ill.

Well, she could have wished for something that'd benefit all of us.

Like peace on Earth or beef hotpot.

No! Don't blow the candles out.

We need all the heat we can get. I'm down to me last match.

COUGHING

Oh, that's better.

At least I can breathe now.

What did you bring us here for?

This is the most dangerous tavern in London.

Exactly.

So your wife and my husband won't know anybody in here, will they?

Wench?

Who are you calling wench?

Wait your turn, I got a customer.

Don't you know who I am?

No, but I got a feeling you're about to tell me.

I am Dame Eliza Vestris,

actress and producer.

20 years at the helm of the greatest profession in the world.

Oh. GIGGLES

I don't really like the theatre. It's all pretend, innit?

Give me a good hanging any day.

At least that way, I know the crying's real.

Go that way! I'm going, I'm going.

Behave yourself. All right?

Police!

I'm afraid I'll have to bring my wife to the opening night.

She's been asking and asking.

There won't be an opening night

unless I can find a suitable boy for the play.

I'd pay good money to get one.

We've been through ten wet little boys already.

There are no child actors left,

all of them spooked by this phantom nonsense.

Some of the actors believe in it, you know, darling. Yes.

And they use it as an excuse every time they freeze on stage,

don't get a laugh or a sandbag falls on their heads.

"Oh, no, it's the Phantom."

All I know is I have a full house

and I don't have a child to deliver the final line.

My reputation is at stake here.

I want my autobiography to end with an ovation,

not with a groan.

All right. We've checked the place thoroughly.

Seems like no-one's here.

Oh, good. Oh, good.

But we will be back.

Be warned.

Pigs.

Someone's dropped some figs.

It's safe, they're gone.

You brought the law right under our noses, you rhombus!

We could have been raided.

I'm sorry.

Whatever you nicked better be worth it.

ACCORDION RESONATES

Happy birthday, Tang!

OFF-KEY REEDY NOTES

THUDDING, ACCORDION CHIMES

That is the best present that anybody has ever nicked for me.

What is it?

It's an arm piano.

Oh!

Is that it? Y...yeah.

It's not an arm piano. It's an accordion.

Right? Can you eat an accordion?

Wear an accordion? Wash your hair with an accordion?

No, but... Exactly.

It's useless. Burn it.

It'll keep our stove warm for another happy hour.

After that, it's a long night of darkness and tears.

No, don't do that. It's her birthday.

It ain't her birthday.

I made it up cos I thought she was going to cark it.

What's that?

Oh! I've scrubbed my back with loofahs that could outwit you two.

The boy's too fast.

He's not just a boy,

he's evil and dangerous.

First, he tries to assassinate the Queen.

Then he robs my house, steals my mother.

Now he sends me this.

It's from him.

I was wrong about him all along.

I assumed, you see, he was an illiterate urchin, but he's not.

That's what he wants us to believe.

Yes. He can write.

He's clever, see? And he knows where I live.

How do you know it's not a fake, sir?

There are Wanted posters all over London,

stories about him in the newspapers.

Because nobody knew that he was in my house

apart from us and him.

Explain that.

Oh, no, don't.

Dame Eliza Vestris, eh? I know her pockets well.

She's already sold all the tickets,

but they're missing a boy to act in the play.

They've all been scared off by this phantom thing, you see.

What's that got to do with you?

I could play the part and earn some cash.

You're not an actor, though.

Course he is. You all are.

Actors are just liars that get paid. Dodger's got a good idea.

You could get a regular wage for the gaff

and pay for a doctor for Tang.

I found that in the bloke's bag.

It's got all the words the actors have to say.

I need to learn it so I can play the part.

The Vampyre, a play in two acts written by James Planche,

as performed by Dame Eliza Vestris... Oi.

What?

CHUCKLES How you doing that?

How's she doing that? She can read?

Yeah. Here y'are.

What's that say?

"You owe me the sum of two shillings..."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew it was a bad one.

What about this one?

"Fagin, if you don't pay me soon, I will cut off your..."

Oh, all right, all right, we get the idea.

That's why I don't go out much.

Where'd you learn your ABCs? On the farm.

Me master's son had lessons.

I'd borrow his books and peep at them when he were asleep.

So he gets the part - and then what?

Doesn't sound like a great money maker to me.

Oh, that's just stage one of my plan.

There's a lot more.

But, first, I'm going to need some parents.

CREAKING

Who goes there?

I am armed. I will kill if occasion calls.

Good morning. THEY CHUCKLE

Ooh. Wotcha.

If you're looking for an autograph, you'll have to wait

at the stage door like the other unwashed crackpot fans.

I'm...busy.

We heard you were looking for a boy for your fancy pants vampire thing.

Yeah, we got one.

Our son.

Ain't that right? Our son?

Yeah, if you say so.

I suppose I'll have to take her word for it.

HE LAUGHS

How did you know I was looking for a boy?

Well, walls have ears

and...and...and ceilings, and so do carpets

and skirting boards, stairs...

We heard you down the pub.

Our nipper's a big talent. He can do it all.

What can he do exactly?

All of it.

Well, I'm very particular!

I don't just accept any old riff-raff off the street.

Oh, yeah, but he's special.

He has got the gift.

What gift?

THE gift. Yeah, you know, the gift.

He's got it.

Well, that's as may be.

But my actors are carefully trained in the verse of Shakespeare.

Who?

Shakespeare.

Shakespeare... I think... That bloke's been down the pub, ain't he?

No, no, the Bard.

I was barred once, but that was a misunderstanding.

You deserved it. I did not. Giving it all that. Just bring him in!

But I warn you, I'm extremely fussy.

So you keep saying.

Oi, get in here!

You'll love him.

Here he is. My son.

Take your hat off.

Uh, hello, Miss, uh...

Nice to meet you.

Are you scared of confined spaces, trap doors,

fast-moving chutes or the dark?

No.

No. Good. Then you've got the job.

Don't you want to see me do me acting stuff?

No!

The rehearsal room is that-a-way, it's tuppence a day. Chop chop.

Let's go.

That was easy. Piece of cake.

Can't believe Dodger's got us doing this.

Better be worth it.

He's coming. He's coming.

Right, let's go.

What was on Dodger's list?

Newspapers. Uh, horse hair.

THEY WHISPER

White paint, white paint! Where is it?

They haven't got that.

Brushes? Yep. Got it?

Take that. THEY GRUNT

Go, go.

Where are your mum and dad? How should I know?

There's more to that girl than you know.

You were supposed to look after her, that's what you're paid for.

If she hadn't upped and run off to London, I wouldn't be shovelling cowpat all day.

Last I heard, she was heading for an orphanage.

We all know your secret!

I'm searching all the orphanages in London for missing girl -

12 years old, about this big. Charlie, country girl.

Have you taken anyone in? No, sorry, no.

This is ridiculous. It's a complete waste of our time.

I think we'll have to cancel the show. Yeah, you're right.

It's not like you're going to find somebody off the street, is it?

It's never going to happen.

Ladies and gentlemen of the company...

This boy has stepped in to play Lord Ruthven's son, the vampire.

Well, it's good casting. He looks just like the living dead.

Yes. Ugly little pug.

Splendid make-up. I'm not wearing any.

Right. We open tomorrow night.

So let's pick up the last scene.

Boy, with me.

I wouldn't want to be down there in the dark for all that time.

Not with the Phantom about.

Boy?!

Any better?

Could go either way. She's wobbling on the precipice.

RATTLING BREATHS

What you doing? Shh. One second.

Could be croup. Croup?

Had a horse on the farm that had that same rattle in its chest.

Oh, right. What did you do to cure it?

We shot it.

You what? We had to put it out of its misery.

If anybody's going to be put out of their misery, it's you.

Fancy saying a thing like that.

You're not going to shoot me, are you?

No, darling. We're not going to shoot you.

We're going to shoot her. Oi!

I'm going to speak to Minnie downstairs.

She knows a few gangland quacks. Might sort her out.

Shot!

Oi, can I have a word?

No, not up here, on the roof.

What did you bring me up here for? Sit down, just sit down.

Look at this.

I've been waiting all day to show you this.

They're plastered all over London.

That's Dodger. He's wanted. Well, we've got to go and tell him.

No, no, no. Don't you see?

There's a 20 quid reward on his head.

20 quid's a lot of money.

Now, I can't go to the police, cos I'm on the run.

Oh, here we go. You ain't mentioned that for, what, five minutes?

But you could.

We could split the money down the middle.

No-one would ever know it was us.

Half of 20, what's that?

I d... I don't know, but it's a lot of money.

Fagin says we never rat on our own. Never.

Dodger's not one of our own, though, is he?

He's a chancer.

All he cares about is getting in Fagin's good books.

Yeah, well, you dob him in -

what if he tells the police all about us? We'll all go down.

Exactly.

So he's wanted, is he?

He's only been in the game two minutes

and he's got the police all wound up.

Look, I just thought if we got the reward, it'd be money

for Tang's doctor. Pull the other one.

You've got competition. You don't like it.

No, that's not it. I better watch you two.

That ain't fair, I said not to do it.

I'm not turning Dodger in,

no matter how many quids they slap on his head.

He'll keep you on your toes, and that's not a bad thing.

Seeing as you like those posters so much, go and get the rest.

What? I want you to go around town and pull down every picture

those police wallies have pasted up. Dodger's mine, no-one else's.

No, but... Every single one.

Costume. Make-up.

Now, this is ground-breaking.

It is a trap door.

You stand on this platform till the penultimate scene in Act II.

When you hear Lord Ruthven say, "I have a son," that is your cue.

You pull this lever, the trap door opens, then you rise to the stage.

Mistime it and it's curtains, and I don't mean the velvet variety.

The limelight will cut out and, when it comes back on,

bam, you're on the stage and the audience will scream.

Oh. Now, have you ever used smoke bombs before?

No. Well, you throw them on the floor when you reach the stage

as if you have a magic power. Pow, pow!

And not too many.

The last boy lost his hand during the technical run,

and we found his digits scattered all over the orchestra pit.

And don't think, just because you're a child,

you'll get special treatment.

Mess this up and I'll be using your skull

in my next production of Hamlet.

Catch.

They say it lurks beneath the stage.

Do you know, every actor who's ever seen it ends up in Bedlam.

Do you remember Charles Keir?

Wonderful actor.

Well, apparently, he saw the Phantom whilst playing Hamlet

on this very stage. CREAKING

He's never acted since.

Well, I hope I never see the Phantom. Ghastly.

Sir?

Sir? KNOCKING CONTINUES

Sir?

Sir?

Sir?

MUTTERS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

What? How dare you barge in like that! Knock!

Do you hear? Knock, man! Where's your respect, man?

Tuck your shirt in.

Straighten your hat.

You look like a tramp.

Sorry, sir, didn't mean to wake you.

What? Didn't realise that you'd nodded off, sir.

Nodded off?

Nodded off?!

Grannies nod off. Fat aunties nod off.

Not knights of the realm. Not soldiers.

God, what insolence!

Crime doesn't sleep, and neither do I.

I was merely...

..listening for woodworm.

Yes, sir. Now, what do you want?

Uh, post for you, sir.

It might be another letter from Dodger.

Yes, he's dipped his quill

into his robber's ink and dashed off another evil epistle.

Stand back.

It might be a tiny little snake

or a scorpion with a sting in its tail.

Oh, it's theatre tickets, for tonight.

The new vampire play.

Hmm, hmm.

No. Could I?

No, no. You can't...

Well, maybe. No, no.

Oh, you... No, I...

No, there's no way I can enjoy an evening of leisure

when Dodger's out there marauding through honest pockets.

Hmm.

Here, you go. Take Duff.

Heaven knows you could do with the education.

Thanks, Sir.

I've never been to the theatre before.

What? Can't afford it, Sir.

Oh. Why not?

Not well-off, Sir.

Got a lot mouths to feed, Sir.

Oh. Well, you only look like you've got the one to me.

Children.

Children, Sir. Hmm.

I've been blessed with ten of the specimens.

How unfortunate.

Well, thanks again, Sir.

KNOCKING

Enter.

Wages?

Eliza Vestris, My Life in Theatre.

Is that your autobiography?

No, it's God's.

Of course it's mine.

Ten years in the making and every publisher in London wants it.

Am I in there?

No, I've only written about the interesting people I've worked with.

Thank you.

Pick up your cues, Act II, Scene III.

Um, Miss,

I didn't get my wages.

You'll get yours when you've proved you can do the job.

But, Miss, if I don't get my wages, I can't buy dinner.

Oh, welcome to the world of an actor.

It's either feast or famine.

And, in your case, today, it seems to be famine.

Shoo.

Excuse me. Hmm? I'm looking for the All Saints Orphanage.

It's supposed to be near here. Yeah... I might know.

Might not. Please.

I'm tired.

I've been searching every orphanage in London.

This is the last one on the list.

I'm looking for a missing girl.

Money talks, love.

There is no All Saints Orphanage.

What do you mean there's no orphanage? What happened?

Gas explosion.

No-one survived.

Terrible state of affairs.

The poor girl.

It's so boring being an actor.

I had to sit around all day, just to do one line

at the end of the show.

I wouldn't mind being paid tuppence a day to do naff all.

Speaking of which, cough up.

TANG COUGHS Not you.

Uh...she didn't pay me.

See? I knew she was a wrong 'un.

Exploiting children like that, it's terrible.

Don't worry, she'll get what's coming to her tomorrow night.

Right, I nicked some tickets for you.

The Royal Box?

Oh, don't we get proper seats?

I ain't sitting on a box all night, I can do that at home.

All right, it's the best I could get.

DOOR THUDS

Just the man. You got my message, then?

Yeah. What's this all about?

Make it snappy.

Bullseye's got a cock fight in half an hour and he's odds on to win.

Do you think he'll, uh, pass for poultry or...?

It doesn't matter. The bloke that we're up against,

his eyes are half-shot anyway.

BULLSEYE BARKS Bullseye!

Heel.

Sit.

Cluck. QUIET BARK

Well, that'll do.

Let's go through this one more time.

This is it. Wow.

This is all right. Oh, yeah.

TOM LAUGHS

Bit fancy for a box, innit? Yeah, it's plush in here.

Ladies and gentlemen, this evening's performance of The Vampyre

will begin in one minute. One minute.

You know that they say that this, um, theatre's haunted?

Oh, yeah? By a phantom.

Yeah? Hm.

I wonder if he'll turn up tonight?

Not if he smells those eels.

Here, what are these?

Whatever they are, let's nick 'em.

Do you believe in ghosts? No, don't be silly.

No such thing.

How would you arrest a ghost if there was such a thing?

You can't, innit? Everything would go through the ghost.

Cuffs goes right through its hands.

I suppose it's like arresting gas.

Put 'em in a bottle, can't you? Cork 'em in.

A ghost can go through walls, but it can't go through cork.

It's something about ancient wood.

You want some? No. Ugh.

No.

APPLAUSE

Oh, here we go. Oh. The curtain's going up.

I had a word with the doctor. He can take a look at Tang,

but it's going to set you back 20 quid.

20 quid? Yeah, well, these criminal docs don't come cheap, you know?

He is the best of the best.

He's done Wild Mickey's appendix,

Barry Mattock's bunions and Adam's apple.

All right, you bring him tonight, cos she's going downhill fast.

She's special to you, ain't she? All my kids are special to me.

If they make money.

Yeah, but you rescued her, didn't you, from that poppy den?

I didn't rescue her. I bought her.

And I don't like it when things I buy don't work.

Bring him tonight, OK?

I beseech you, do not become Lord Ruthven's bride. What?

How long's this going on for?

Yeah, I feel like I've been here days. Yeah.

He seeks the heart-throbbing blood of the living, for he is

a vampire.

AUDIENCE GASPING

Oh, man, this is a long play, innit?

How do they learn all these lines?

How do they know what to say?

Memory. Oh, right, yeah.

Where are you hiding?

Am I going to be all right?

Yeah. Fit as a fiddle, hunky dory, strong as an ox.

Does it hurt?

Does what hurt?

When you die.

What are you talking about dying for? And how should I know?

I'm not the living dead, am I?

I've heard it's all white. White lights, the whole shebang.

Mind you, it's not like anybody's come back for breakfast, is it?

Don't go.

You need to go to sleep.

Come on.

That's it.

Night, night.

You cannot understand. You are so young, so young.

The man you know as your lover

is half man,

half bat.

CRASHING SOUNDS, AUDIENCE GASPS

Oh! Oh, man, that was scary.

Bat?! No! You missed a good bit.

Yeah? What happened? That one there,

he's a bat. I cannot!

What, in real life? No, in the thing. Oh, right.

Open the curtains.

The sunlight will destroy him.

I can't do it. I love him!

If you won't, then I will.

Noooo!

HISSES

CHOKES, COUGHS

Die, you beast!

I've got a bone. You've got a bone in there.

You may destroy me,

but I am not the only vampire

to walk the Earth.

GAGGING AND RETCHING

For I have a son.

DUFF COUGHING, AUDIENCE SHUSH HIM

Shh! You see a man dying here? Shh!

A son?

THUNDERCRACK

CREAKING

OMINOUS CHORAL MUSIC

It's real! The Phantom!

Get out, get out! Run! RUN!

HISSING, PEOPLE SCREAM

WHISTLE CHIMES

Everybody, vacate the premises in an orderly fashion!

Ruuunnn!

Wait! Wait! Come back!

Who are you? Get off my...!

Agh!

SCREAMING

Oh, it was horrible!

Did you see the face?

What about the boy? He's still in there with it.

Who cares about him?

What about my box office?

Charley!

All right, Bill, stop building your part up.

I'm sweating my cobblers off in this thing.

Come on.

Right, we've got about five minutes before people get suspicious,

there's no time to waste.

Tom, Charley, you do the bar. Polly, the cloakroom.

Me and Bill, we'll do the safe.

Good luck. See you back at the den.

Right. Right, we ain't got much time,

so, you two, nick everything you can, right?

Come on, Bill? Where's your takings?

It's behind the painting.

Let's go.

Where's the key?

It's in the top drawer. BILL GROWLS

Um, maybe the second drawer. Dodger!

It'll be here somewhere.

Come on! Or here. We haven't got time for this!

Maybe in here.

Dodger!

I'm sorry, Bill.

She must have run off with it.

I have not got time for this.

Move.

Come on, Bill, hurry up!

Wait, hang on. How are we going to open it?

We'll have to worry about that later.

Oi, don't forget the mask, that's evidence.

I've invested a fortune in this production.

I can't have my takings go up in smoke.

You've got to help me get this audience back inside.

I cannot afford to give them a refund.

What's that?

This is the most dangerous tavern in London.

I don't really like the theatre. It's all pretend, innit?

Good morning.

We heard you were looking for a boy for your fancy pants vampire thing.

Our nipper's a big talent. He can do it all. Nice to meet you.

The trap door opens and you rise to the stage.

We've been had.

My safe!

You two! Look lively!

Follow me!

We have to catch them! This way!

It's gone!

SHE WAILS

Was there anything valuable inside? Well, of course there was!

Do I look like the kind of person

who would lock up her toenail clippings?

The contents of that safe are priceless.

Block all the exits. Ring the alarum bell.

Murder! Treason!

All right. Duff, you search the front of the theatre,

I'll search the back.

Make haste!

Oh, my safe...

You were really good tonight.

Oh, was I? Yeah.

Get out!

Boy, run! It's the police! Boy!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

She's here! She came in here!

Blathers! I'm going round the back.

Right, what'd you get? What'd you get?

Snuff boxes, half a tub of jellied eels

and a couple of neckerchiefs.

I robbed the whole bar of crystal glasses.

Oi, what you waiting for? Don't hang about - move!

Come on!

TOM GROWLS

Where'd she go?

She's a little thing, a little thing in a soldier's outfit,

a little soldier... I'm stuck in the garden!

What? I'm stuck in the garden!

I can't get out!

Duff, there! There she is! She's...

BLOWS WHISTLE

Duff, she's behind you!

Duff, she's behind you! Look, there!

Where? Come back! Where did she go?

Come back! Where?

Looks, look, she's crawling up there like a rat.

What you doing?!

There she is! Behind you, Duff!

She's there, Duff! Grab her!

Ha, ha, ha! Where do you think you're going?

Here we are. Get off! Get off!

You are under arrest. Get off!

Come on. BLOWS WHISTLE

BLOWS WEAKLY, GASPS

THUDDING Oh.

What's going on?

Well, Dodger got the safe, but he couldn't get the key, could he?

I haven't seen one of them locks before.

It's one of them new Chubb ones, innit.

We're going to have to blow it up if we want to open it.

Yeah. You got a bomb?

No, I ain't got a bomb.

Stop a minute, you're squeezing too tight! Off!

Shut up.

Here's the little toe rag you wanted to see, Sir.

Shove me like that again and I'll do you!

Where'd they get their manners from?

Leave us.

I am Sir Charles Rowan, Chief of Police.

That was quite a stunt you pulled at the theatre tonight.

Thank you very much.

Eliza Vestris said there was a young man involved

who matched this description.

It's him, isn't it?

The one you call Dodger.

Hmm?

We know you're in his gang.

My officers have seen you two scrapping around the streets.

Oh, look.

Imagine what you could do with this.

You could make something of your pathetic little life.

I'll make something of my "pathetic little life", all right.

But I don't need to snitch on someone to do it.

Oh, it's not a case of snitching.

You'll be saving Dodger.

I can't tell you how many children I've seen dying

doing filthy jobs for filthy criminals.

They're using you. Just like you're using me now, then,

to get information. I ain't stupid.

Where is Dodger?

Have you ever used smoke bombs before?

Oi, hang on! Pow! Pow!

These'll work - smoke bombs!

Yeah, all right. Leave it to me. Stand back.

All right, then, let's do a deal.

But I ain't ratting on Dodger.

You know why? It's not him you want. He's just a puppet.

Now, if you give me that money and you let me go scot free,

I'll give you the name of the gang leader,

the person pulling the strings behind the whole outfit.

How about that, then?

Now we're getting somewhere.

Oh, yes.

Hold on to your eyebrows.

Come on, child.

Spit it out, the name.

Give me the name.

No, I want it writ down for proof.

Otherwise, it's your word against mine

and mine don't count for buttons.

Very well.

And what should I write?

That I, Polly Crackitt...

..can never be arrested nor slammed up

if I tell you who Dodger's boss is.

And don't try to stiff me.

I might be dirty, but I'm not daft.

I want it writ proper. Writ proper, hm.

This is going to be a big one.

Satisfied?

Three... Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Come on.

Stand back!

Two...

Who gives Dodger's orders?

One!

I do.

I know you don't care who's running the show.

It's Dodger you want.

It really sticks in your guts that a little lad like him

can run rings around you, Lord of the Police.

Well, you best get used to it, cos you'll never catch him

and you won't catch me neither.

Cheers for the dosh.

Oi...

Stop her!

Stop her! What?

Stop her!

She tricked me!

Oh.

What is it? What's inside it?

Open, you...!

What is this?

Eliza Vestris, My Life in Theatre.

Oh. Oh?

That's her book. A book, yeah?

When she said something was priceless... Yeah?

..I thought... You thought...

she was talking about... Money. ..money,

but she was talking about her... Her book.

So you're saying that we went through all that trouble

for some scraps of paper? Bill!

TANG COUGHS

How are we going to pay for a doctor now?

Hello, guys? Look what I've got.

A cup of coffee for you, Sir.

DISCORDANT MUSIC

I wish she had died now.