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Would you look at this' Phil?

This is just unique times a thousand!

With a price tag to match. yikes.

yeah' well' classy doesn't come cheap. That's for sure.

Oh' and look at this. lsn't this fabulous?

Did someone say ''fabulous''? Oh...

Can we help you? Hi' there.

We were just admiring your wares.

Oh' sorry. l'm with him.

(CHUCKLlNG)

Oh' my goodness. That's marvelous.

That's really funny. No' no' no' no.

l'm Kath Day. l come into your store all the time.

l just have to tell you' l absolutely love it.

Thanks. Thanks.

you look very familiar to me.

l think you probably know me. My name's Phil Knight.

l'm the owner/head honcho of Phil's Sandwich lsland.

Right across the way there.

you've probably been there a hundred times. Great sandwiches.

Uh' no. We don't do sandwiches.

No' no. Not even paninis. No.

No more. No more for somebody.

No more for me.

Well... Oh' you were in the Parade of Homes?

Well' we only won last year.

(GASPS) And this year we're judges.

(BOTH CHUCKLlNG)

Well' who knew we were in the presence of Central Floridian royalty?

Ding.

Well' could someone around here tell me

why Casa de Kath isn't in the Parade of Homes? Oh' Phil.

lt's only the pearl of Plaza de Palm.

Plaza de Palm?

lsn't that a development?

lt is.

Oh.

Okay. We got a hot piece of apple pie here' fellas. Oh.

l want it in the Parade of Homes.

How are we gonna button this blouse?

Well' as judges'

we would have to take a peek and decide

whether it'd fit in the parade.

But unfortunately we don't... We will not be

able to make it until this afternoon.

Really? Are you serious?

The Parade of Homes is gonna come to our house!

Phil' did you hear that?

Here. As a matter of fact l have my business card right here

with my address on it' so you know where to come by.

Oh' and l also own an in-home beauty salon.

Of course you do. Of course you do.

l guess l better go tidy up.

Oh' thank you. l just... l'm absolutely thrilled!

So excited! Okay! Thank you!

You're walking down the street

And a man tries to get your business

'Cause you're filthy

Ooh' and gorgeous

Love it.

Mom' l think Craig might've died.

What? What happened?

Well' you know how it's the anniversary of our second date?

Right.

And he hasn't sent me any flowers

or shout-outs on the Morning Zoo or anything.

Oh' Kim' l'm sure he's not dead.

And l happen to be in the midst of preparing our home

for a visit that could change my entire life.

l can't believe you're gonna put your tiny hopes

and dreams in front of my severe problem.

Well... PHlL: Ladies.

(GASPS) Are those from Craig? Were they outside?

No. l brought them. l thought the white room could use a little pop.

Hope you don't mind' honey.

Oh' Phil. That's so considerate of you.

Well' listen. l want Chez Day to be in that Parade of Homes

just as badly as you do. Oh.

Listen' that's why l want it to be Chez Day-Knight.

What? (SlGHS) Phil'

will you move in with me?

(GASPlNG) Oh.

(STAMMERlNG) l don't... l know that

we said that we were going to wait until our upcoming nuptials

to rename the abode' but l just...

l don't know' l feel like l can't wait anymore.

Do you know? l just... l feel like l can't wait.

So' what do you say? Oh' l don't know.

l mean' it seems ridiculous for me

to be walking out of here every morning with my underwear in a bag.

l mean' l'm really not fooling the neighbors at this point.

And so l think that... So?

yes! yes' of course' l will!

Oh' Phil' l love you.

These are the days of our lives.

Mmm.

(SlGHlNG) My life couldn't get any worse.

So' dude. you know how l've been trying

to get back with Kim' like' so hard?

yeah. l don't get it' but' yeah.

And you know how today is the anniversary of our second date?

Oh' for real? l must've forgot all about it.

Well' check it.

(CHUCKLES)

l'm totally playing it off like l forgot.

And l know Kim' dude.

She is hating on me to her core right now.

But today after work... Mmm-hmm.

...l'm gonna go to her house'

and l'm gonna surprise her with full-on flowers'

and some high-end earrings

with hers and my's birthstones.

So how about giving it up for a stone-cold killer?

(lMlTATES GUNFlRE)

l hit you in the love parts.

you're going about this all wrong' man.

you know what l mean? But l'm kind of like in a conundrum right now

about giving you my good advice

because you will get this crazy lady of yours back

and l'm thinking she's gonna kill you one day.

yeah' l know' D. l'm sure she probably will' but...

Look' man' it is a scientifically proven fact

that ladies want the things that they cannot have' okay?

you gotta stop acting like you care so much.

That's what's gonna make her wanna come back.

Act like you've moved on.

you're really looking out for me' huh' homes?

l do what l do.

l'm sure that you can tell with what l did in the bedroom

that my interior design philosophy is about telling a story.

She sees the house as a book' if you will.

yes. Now' this chapter here

is about freedom and the jungle.

Freedom and the jungle!

Now' l did have some concerns

about mixing the leopard-print runner

with the plant-life wallpaper' but then l thought'

''Hey' who says you can't?''

Everyone. Even the blind.

This is going so well.

That's interesting.

Um... Tell us about that.

Well' fine arts is one of my many passions

with regards to architecture and that type of thing.

So' this portrait' l had commissioned by a fabulous local artist.

lsn't that a digital photo?

yes' it is. yes.

That's why it's such a good likeness.

yeah.

Okay' D. Here we go.

''What has spots and rides on a fire truck?''

Oh' that's one of them dogs they got.

Uh-uh. Huh?

''A fireman with measles.''

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

Those things are funny.

Hey' dude.

you want a Popsicle?

No' l do not want a Popsicle.

l want you to tell me why you forgot our second-date anniversary.

Well' Kim' um...

We don't live together like married people are supposed to'

and you don't want to move back in.

So' l'm very deep in the process of moving on.

Pretty much.

Are you guys high? Nah. We just got here.

Well' guess what? l'm moved on' too'

so you can forget about those late-night booty calls.

l'll just have to call someone else. Mmm.

Maybe Derrick.

(SlGHS) Hmm.

you wouldn't ever...

(CHUCKLES)

No' man' l...

How could they have turned us down' Phil?

l mean' look at this house! lt's gorgeous!

Well' you're preaching to the choir here' bumblebee.

lt should be on parade. Don't you think?

l mean' this house should be in the Parade of Homes!

Don't you think' Phil? yes. Absolutely.

l think this house should be in the Parade of Homes.

l mean' l'm completely mystified as to what... lt's the kitchen.

What? lt's the kitchen.

My kitchen?

Kath' your house is a masterpiece.

your house is a wonderful' creamy Neapolitan cone

with cookie crumbles and rainbow sprinkles.

And this kitchen?

This kitchen is like a half a scoop of vanilla in a Styrofoam cup.

Oh' honey' l'm so sorry.

l'm so sorry. l just blurted that out.

l didn't mean to' and it just must have crushed you to hear it.

No. No' it didn't crush me.

Actually' it's lit a fire of inspiration in me' Phil'

'cause that's the kind of person that l am.

you know what this kitchen needs? lt needs a little facelift.

A little ''Kath Magic'' if you will. How about that?

A kitchen re-do? yes.

lsn't that gonna break the bank?

No' it doesn't have to break the bank.

Remember' Phil' l'm the one that turned that laundry room

into a very high-end salon

with nothing but a square of sponge' a little bit of paint'

and a bag of buttons. And you are pure dynamite' Kath Day!

Wow! Ka-boom! What a woman! Oh' no.

Bring it on!

Oh' girls' you have got to come and see this.

l have really got the hang of this fauxing!

Mom' l'm busy wallowing. Plus' l don't care.

And he never filled up my car with gas while l was sleeping'

and he didn't bring me breakfast'

or recorded any of my favorite TV shows.

(CHUCKLlNG) Wow! Maybe things really are over with you and Craig.

Why are you smiling?

Sorry. lt's my nervous reaction smile.

For when things go really bad for other people.

l promise l'm totally devastated.

Oh' l miss being worshipped. lt was fun. Mmm.

l was worshipped the summer l got boobs.

Oh' yeah. l remember. you were really popular at the public pool.

yeah. l was the coolest eight-year-old in Florida.

lt was awesome.

(SlGHS)

And it's marble!

Look at this' girls. So classy. So ltalian.

l think l've taken my own breath away.

Cute. lt looks so good.

Do you really like it?

Do you think the fellas at Nooks and Crannies are gonna like it?

Oh' yeah. lt totally looks like the Sixteenth Chapel.

l feel like l'm at the Olive Garden.

Oh' girls. That is the highest praise. Thank you' ladies.

Okay. l really want Craig back.

you're always desperate. Tell me what to do.

Okay. you have to give him stuff that he likes.

What does he like?

l don't know. l never really asked.

Hmm. Oh' tickets to stuff.

Okay. you know' get him that. Get him tickets.

God' thanks' Tina. Mmm-hmm.

l know l really don't say a lot of nice things to you' but...

Oh. Thanks' Kim. That really means a lot.

Dude'

this tracker picks up' like' satellite images from all over the world.

Like' if you wanted to' you could totally watch

some dude watering his lawn in' like' Mexico or England.

All right' like... Uh-oh.

What?

Ohhh...

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Dude.

She's looking extra good today' too.

'Sup? 'Sup?

'Sup? 'Sup? 'Sup?

l forgot to tell you

l got tickets to Chamillionaire and Slick Rick.

But it's in Tamps'

so we'll have to spend the night together.

ln a motel.

(GROANS)

Hey' dude'

put your eyes back in your head' all right?

This is a trick. Mmm.

She just wants to see how serious you are

about this not getting back together thing.

Dude' you gotta be strong right now.

That's the only way that she's gonna know that you're not playing.

Motel in Tamps. Do you know what that means?

Hot' butt-naked loving. l know.

Mmm-hmm. Tell her' ''No.''

(SlGHS)

Oh.

Hey. Hey.

Relationship stuff is so lame.

l know. That's why l don't play' and l don't get played.

you know what l'm saying?

That's hot. yeah.

So' l' uh...

l think it's best if l

pretty much just don't go to the concert.

Probably. So...

Okay.

Well' too bad for you then.

Watch me walk away.

Tina.

(SlGHS)

Well' here's the last of it.

This place is now officially Chez Day-Knight.

Wow! Do you like it?

lt's magnificent.

lt's not too much or too little or too bricky?

Ladybee' it's absolutely perfection.

Claude and Neil won't know what hit them. Look out!

Oh' thank you' Phil.

Listen. All this fauxing has gotten me so sore.

Can you give me one of your great massages later?

Faux sure. Oh.

Uh' Mom?

(STAMMERlNG) What happened to the fridge? l can't find the handle.

Oh' Kim. lt's somewhere down that little road in the ltalian village.

Mom' l'm hungry. Here. Have an apple.

An apple? What am l? An orphan?

Maybe it's behind these grapes.

Never mind.

you know what? l'll just call Craig

and he'll bring me something.

Oh' Craig won't bring me anything.

Craig? l want Craig!

(CRylNG)

Mom...

Craig? Craigory?

l want you back.

That's pretty much the best news

l've ever heard of in my entire life.

l just have to check on something. Sorry.

(SlGHS)

Dude. Hey. yo' what's up' man? Hurry up. l got a lady.

Dude' Kim wants me back. Like ''back'' back.

Like she's crying real tears.

l didn't even know she had those' dude.

Go back.

Well' how do you know it's' like' cool to do now?

'Cause l'm me. l'm a pimp. Just go back.

Okay' dude. you are the best. Thank you. l love you.

No' l don't love... you know... Okay. Bye.

All right.

l love you.

Hey' let's go get all your junk

and let's bring it back here and then let's do intense stuff

before we unpack it.

Get my junk? l'm not moving back here.

Oh! l played right into your game!

you're' like' this beautiful' evil mastermind.

No' we're back together' but we're not gonna live here.

We're gonna totally live at my mom's. lt's much nicer than here.

Plus' she can cook for us' do our laundry and clean for us.

Plus' when she's gone' we can watch TV in her bed.

Sweet.

Kath' do you think Miles is gonna be happy here?

Picture perfect. you know' Phil' you'd better be careful'

you're going to give us a reputation as being trendy.

Well' before l begin the blessing of this beautiful house...

BOTH: yes? l just have to say'

l'm really' really digging the marbling throughout.

l mean' really incredible craftsmanship.

lt's faux. lt's faux.

No! BOTH: yes!

Oh! you could've fooled me.

Whoa! What's up with your guys' house?

Craig and me are back together.

l decided that he should move in with me.

What? Here?

yeah. l gave into his beggings.

So where should he put his stuff?

Kim' come on. your timing is for the birds.

Phil just moved in. Plus' we have the parade coming up.

lt's just not a good time to... Kath!

your tone is really fighting my efforts.

l'm sorry' Athena.

Okay. Well' l'm just gonna go put this

in your salon/Ginger's new room' then.

Kath' Phil' gentle spirits.

Let us close our eyes and open our minds.

What does the house want to be' Kath?

lt wants to be in the Parade of Homes.

Well' then it shall!

Oh! Oh!

(SCREAMlNG)

Whoa! PHlL: Don't panic! Don't panic!

KATH: Fire! PHlL: Don't panic!

Whatever you do' don't panic!

Craig!

Okay' it's done. We did it.

Thank God. Gods' Phil' gods.

Thank the gods.

That was scary.

Holy cow! Stop' drop and roll!

(SCREAMlNG) Stop' drop and roll!

Stop... Wait for me!

Found the culprit' boys.

This faux paint.

lf this stuff doesn't dry all the way'

one spark will set it off like napalm.

KlM: Mom!

Good Lordy Louie!

Who moved my cheese? This place is toast!

Jeez' well' they certainly were thorough.

All my stuff is wrecked.

(SlGHS) Check it.

Where am l supposed to find

another autographed Robbie Knievel poster in this day and age?

eBay? A poster store?

Craigslist? Garage sale.

Oh' thanks' man. l get it. lt's not rare. Okay?

Mom' you should see upstairs.

They sprayed the carpets down and smashed the windows'

and there's holes in the ceiling.

lt's totally' totally ruined.

Well' at least we still have each other' Kimmy.

That's the important part.

you smell like ash. So do you.

Dude' those firemen were out of control' right?

But' you know' l probably would be' too'

if l had' like' a hose and an axe'

and you can't get in trouble for wrecking stuff

that's not even on fire.

No! Craig!

l am not going to have firemen bashing in my house.

l will not allow it!

These men are trained professionals/heroes

who may have saved our lives.

Well spoken' Madam Day.

They know far better than we the mysteries of Lady Fire.

yes. Who knows where an errant spark may alight?

yes' which is why they had to come in here and obviously

destroy every beautiful thing that l had in my house!

(SOBBlNG) Oh' honey. l'm sorry.

Oh' Phil'

l should have known that marble in a can was too good to be true.

Sorry' honey. Come here.

Oh.

Ow. All right' you put your...

l'm gonna put my head over here.

(KATH CRylNG)

PHlL: Ow. CRAlG: Sorry.

Mom' my diet soda doesn't taste the same in this cup.

All my big blue cups got melted in the fire.

Kim' l know it's hard' but you always have to remember

that there's always someone who has it worse off than you.

you're so right.

Jessica Simpson is packing on the pounds.

See there?

And party girl Tara Reid is headed back to Promises.

Oh' yeah? Mmm.

Oh' and Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall are...

Are what?

(MOANS)

l don't know! lt's burned up!

Oh' Kim. you're teasing me. That drives me crazy.

Oh' l got it.

''Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall are calling it quits.''

Oh... Oh' that is too bad.

And it says here that she'd already purchased her wedding dress.

And now he has to move out of Jennifer's Toluca Lake estate.

Oh' poor guy.

Should we... Have a moment of silence?

yeah.

PHlL: Okay. CRAlG: Okay.

Um' do you guys mind? We're having a moment of silence.

Oh' sorry.

For the loss of all of our worldly possessions.

No. For Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall.

Oh. Oh.

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