Original subtitles

One, two. Testing. Testing.

- Testing. One, two. Testing. - Testing, testing. One, two.

- Is this mic hot? Is it hot? - Is it hot?

- Are we hot? - Is it hot?

- Is it hot? - Testing one, two. Testing.

- Testing, testing, one, two. - Testing.

Testing, one two.

The crowd can already hear us.

- Oh, okay wait. So wait. - Testing.

I got... I got a really quick game.

It's called... It's called "Quick, Quick, Quick."

- Okay. - And I'm gonna say "Quick, quick, quick."

And I'm gonna say "Name three something."

- All right, okay. - Okay. Okay.

So, for you, quick, quick, quick

name three brands of soap.

Um, uh, Dove, Ivory and, um, Irish Spring.

Stop. Quick. Okay, so, quick, quick, quick

name... name three problems... dental problems.

Go, name three dental problems go.

- Oh, you've got an abscess. - Quick, quick, quick.

- You got a cavity. - Quick, quick.

- And you've got a punch in the mouth. - Okay.

- Okay, what about you? Quick, quick, quick... - Quick, quick, quick.

- Three great... - Sports teams.

- Uh, the... - Quick!

- The birds, the dinosaurs. - No!

- Okay. - Oh, god.

The dinosaurs!

Listen, let's just forget this.

Let's just get down to what we came here to do.

- The last show of... - Of...

SmartLess!

Smart.

Less.

Thank you.

Uh, you know what? I'm gonna take Sean's seat.

'Cause he doesn't know.

And he's gonna be like, "Where is?"

And I'll be like, "Oh, there you go."

No, I'm not.

Double back. Because...

...that seat...

...doesn't recline.

And, um, Sean doesn't like to recline.

I bought the outfit.

Oh. Every angle.

Hey, Sean! Did you get the memo about the puffer? Oh, you did.

You got the memo about the puffer jacket.

Where do we sit?

Um, okay, so.

They put you...

...here.

- Uh oh. - Department of Homeland Security.

Well, what I'm gonna do is,

is I'm gonna jackass my own bags out of this car, it's looking like.

Watch this.

Oi!

Slip and slide there. Where're we going?

This plane is nice.

- Right? - I mean, private plane.

On tour.

Yeah, man.

Um, hi back here.

- Hey, guys. - Let me introduce you to everybody, Jason.

You don't... You have no idea what everyone's name is.

- Okay, this is Shawn. - No way.

This is Wyatt, this is Michelle.

- That's Paul. - It's Melissa.

- Melissa, Melissa, Melissa. - Mark.

- And Reuben. - Melissa. Melissa.

- What'd I say? - Did he get any of that right?

I meant to... I mean Melissa.

- You've never been good at that. - Enjoy. Enjoy man.

This is above the line only out here, man.

Hey, why're they lockin' me out?

Motherfuckers.

Wait, wait, wait, don't do that.

Oh, you gotta hit the button.

Don't!

Just relax.

You guys are all right?

Don't touch it!

Uh oh.

Well, guys, it looks like we're bunking together.

You have to ask the pilot.

Okay, well, we'll do this.

I'm gonna call that guy up front.

He's gonna get something... something to open it up.

Great, this is what you get for flyin' bargain basement.

Taxi cab of the skies.

Hey guys, how's that little gag workin' out?

Was it funny?

"Hey, let's lock him in there!

So dumb.

The angle right here?

It's hitting, it's not tucking in.

They had to cancel D.C. 'cause they couldn't get there.

Was it a good laugh?

It was probably worth it.

Sorry.

You guys are not supposed to break the airplane before we fly.

All right, guys, let's go, wheels up.

Tonally speaking, about what we're doing on that stage.

What people are used to,

and we're not promising anything different, is the podcast.

And the podcast is just the three of us talking to one another.

- Mmm-hmm. - Very rarely talk to the audience.

So I think it's totally natural for us to come out and say,

"Hey Chicago, great to be here."

But then it's almost, like, we now sort of agree to ignore you, audience.

And now we're going to just do our podcast thing.

Here's the thing to remember,

even though we're doing the podcast,

people have paid a lot of money to engage with us,

the first time they're seeing us.

So we should remember and feel free and open to engage.

- Yeah. - Here's my proposal, which is...

SmartLess music comes up, we walk out.

Now we're standing...

- ...downstage. - Right.

We have our usual banter.

"Look at Jason, can you believe that he fit into these jeans?"

Or whatever the thing is, you know what I mean?

- And we don't sit down until we introduce the guest? - Until we get the guest.

- But then all that initial banter... - I don't know.

...before guest is engaged with the audience.

It seems too performative.

- I... I agree. - Well, here...

We are doing a performance so we gotta keep that in mind.

No. But that... But that's exactly what I'm asking right now.

- I know. I know. I know. So. - Now I think that might be a mistake.

But hang on. Let me just finish. Let me just finish.

Whether we do that standing up or sitting down...

...I don't think that we can put...

...rules on what it's gonna be.

Because we're not leaving ourselves open to being in the moment,

and being part of the process

if we pretend that they're not there.

I'm not... not suggesting that.

So, that's great. So we just gotta stay open to that.

Will, did you see this menu?

It's all salads.

I know. How did we agree that we're ordering from here?

I can't. I can't.

Jason, this is your kind of place.

Entree level salads?

- Yeah. - I was thinking about that, I was thinking about...

...how annoying I'm gonna be to these room service folks about...

"Hey, did you have an entree level salad?"

"No. Just dinner salads."

"Okay, I'll have four dinner salads,

can you combine them in a mixing bowl?"

- No. -"We don't have a mixing bowl."

"Okay, then just bring the four dinner salads.

Do you have a side of chicken?"

They're gonna see your room number light up and they're gonna go...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I'm gonna cap it all off

with a gluten-free oatmeal request in the morning.

And I'm gonna get hanged up.

- Hung up. - Don't... Don't peel that and keep it low.

- That's alarming. - Do you use the built-in holder?

Or are you one of those dingbats that pulls it off...

...infects it with your dirty dick beater,

and then put it in your mouth?

No! And by the way, it's not called the holder.

Sean and I are ordering from The Palm.

- Yeah. - Right?

- Yeah, it's steak. - Great.

Yeah, I'm gonna try and keep it fairly tight.

I put on weight when I go outta town.

I... I don't wanna let it get away from me.

I'm gonna... There's gonna be, uh, a lot of fun eating opportunities

and I gotta have some discipline.

Very large person in here waiting to get out.

- Well, let's talk more about it, for sure. - Can we?

Well let's keep it, first and foremost, at all times,

food and weight loss and how much, you know.

'Cause it's really interesting.

- Did I, um... - Talk about it nonstop, yeah.

What?

Oh man, and I got a zit the other day.

I saw that, don't pick it.

Now it's bleeding again.

- Did you bring a medical kit? - Yeah.

What else do you have in there?

Do you have hydrogen peroxide?

We brought Dr. Pimple Popper, she's on the plane too.

- Is she here? - Don't. Don't. Don't. Jay, don't... don't rub it.

Oh, tell me grandma.

What should I do?

I'm still young enough to have acne.

That's... That's a problem.

- And a bleeding zit. - You know what that means.

Hit by a bus.

I'm gonna get... I think I might get, and we have to cut this,

get a little surf and turf.

Oh, make sure you cut that.

- Yeah, why are we cuttin' that? - Yeah.

'Cause it's... it's kind of extravagant, no?

Please tell me somebody got that, are you long on that?

Look what... Look what's happening.

- Oh, nice. - Thank you.

Do you have anything sweat, like pastries or anything?

- Uh oh. - Um, we have cookies, shortbread cookies.

Can I see them?

- Oh, my god. - So you're gonna start off today

with a bone-in ribeye steak rare.

Yeah.

Medium-rare and don't look at my order.

- Why are you looking at my order. - Why? 'Cause don't...

don't copy me then.

If you wanna keep your... your... your fat intake secret.

It's not fat. It's gonna be quite lean actually.

- Will it? - Yeah. I'm having a...

- I'm having a salad. - Well, we'll see.

I'm gonna be sitting right next to you.

I'm gonna have a salad and a steak

Can't wait for our little dining room table.

Wow, that really changed.

It's hard... This is emotional abuse.

- 'Cause it starts as an attack. - I hurt you,

- and then I get soft. - And then... yeah. Yeah.

You don't know what's comin', ever.

Yeah. Is that how you grew up?

- Yes. - Is it?

- Head on a swivel. - Look at the tears.

What was the hardest part of that?

- Of growing up? - Yeah.

With the head on the swivel.

That's a hot hand.

You're making my knee sweat.

Yeah, I'm gonna have that steak when we get in there

'cause it's gonna be dinner time.

And, uh, that's appropriate.

All right, so I have to dental floss...

- ...after every meal-- - Oh, my god.

...because I get stuff 'caught in my teeth.

Especially raspberries, strawberry seeds.

And I can't floss unless I've got all the germs off my fingers

- because, you know... - Oh, my god.

I'm putting my fingers in my mouth.

So this is my little routine that you guys are just gonna have to get used to.

Okay.

No.

I don't think... we're not halfway done with the flight,

and I don't think I can do any more with him.

Not with him, not anymore.

This is a real nice aircraft.

What's that?

This is a real nice aircraft.

Yeah. Now, I'm gonna turn off, transfer.

And now I can't hear you at all.

Much better.

Watch how infrequently he, uh, turns the page.

Like, an actual improvement.

You know?

Like, if we could do the show like this, it'd be great.

We're about, uh, one minute to landing.

So we need to sit down, have our safety belts on.

Thank you.

Well that's... It's not warm.

Can you believe we're actually here?

I can't. It's wild.

Dulles. It's called Dulles.

I said the airport was named after Jason,

'cause it's called "dullest."

Right? Oh, no, sorry.

- It's Dulles. - Yeah, sorry.

Dullest.

I gotta tell ya.

I am, uh, excited for our, um...

- I'm excited to eat. I know. - ...our dinner.

So do you guys wanna shower first or...

I showered right before the plane.

Are you a morning showerer or a night showerer?

I'm a night showerer actually,

but this morning I took a shower in the morning.

So you don't shower when you get up in the morning?

I mean, if I have a gig or something to go to, I do.

A gig. How long you been singing?

Um, let me ask you a question.

After you empty your body...

...that's when you put on your day clothes and you enter the world?

- Well no, I don't... - You don't shower after you...

Pooping has no... Pooping has no, like...

You poop all day long.

- No, wait, oh, woah! - You don't take a shower every time you poo.

Do you have, uh, a GI problem?

You know, I was thinking about this,

because you mentioned this the other day as well to me,

Jason, you're like, "Well, you don't shower after you poop?"

And I'm like, "Who showers after they poop?"

That's... You'd have to shower, like, two, three times a day.

- Like what kind of damage are you doing in a-- - Just shower...

No, no, all you need to do is just shower at the top of the day,

and make sure your poop precedes that.

Yeah, I... yeah.

- Okay? I mean. - So wake up, have some coffee--

- But stuff happens. Literally, shit happens. - Empty yourself.

- So. - Then... Then shower, dress, and... and drive to work.

Like, I have a 9 to 5 job?

- Yeah, what're you talkin' about? - Where wherever you're goin'.

Can't you just wake up a couple hours before you're supposed to be there.

Get your business handled, you know, with your coffee--

You've never had a situation where you've had to go in the middle of the day?

You know who shits in the middle of the day?

People that don't get up in time

to take care of their business in the morning.

So you got... You do your business in the morning

and then you shower and then you're all good for the whole day?

Yeah. And that's it, I don't... I don't have so much...

- I think it's-- - But he doesn't consume... he doesn't consume any food.

Yeah, I don't eat so much food in the middle of the day,

that I have to create more room by pushing stuff out of me.

Okay, why don't you just try eating a little bit less

and you'll only shit once a day.

And by the way, I think I'm similar to most people

walking the planet.

- I know you think that. - Yeah.

But I don't think you are.

Hmm.

Also, you're asking, like, the questions of, like,

a wide-eyed 9-year-old right now.

I will be showering tonight.

I won't shower tonight. I'm gonna take a bath tonight.

Because... Because, uh... A bath?

Yeah.

You're gonna what?

Why are you taking baths?

First of all.

First of all.

The concept of sitting in a pot of your own juice...

...is something reserved for broccoli, uh, lobsters, um...

"Something reserved for."

And... And for humans that needed to clean before plumbing was invented.

- Guys! - There it is, Washington Monument.

- Washington Monument! - Oh, my god.

- There's the Capitol. - Wow!

Hey, where's the grassy knoll where JFK got assassinated?

That's in Dallas you stupid dick.

God.

Do me a favor, when we're out, like, on this,

and we're out in front of people--

- Try not to talk. - ...can you guys not talk at all.

- Yeah. - Both of you.

Just don't say anything.

And that would be really helpful.

What's that right there?

That's the same thing we just [laughs] passed.

Jason, what size are your feet?

- Uh, they're 12. - Are they really?

- Yeah. - They're huge.

- Hi there. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - Look at Marguerite.

- She's got it all dialed. - Hello. Hi.

Marguerite, you are the best tour manager ever.

Dibs.

- On whatever it is. - On... On...

- On a room? - On whatever the thing is.

Dibs.

- Okay. - Oh, my god.

And strippers.

Cheese plates!

- Yay! - This is crazy.

All right.

This is good.

Got a bath.

Huh.

Take a nice bath.

Bed, it's all I need.

Thinkin' about what it is used to be.

If I was a younger man, we woulda just...

...torn it up.

And now I'm just thinkin', like...

"How early is too early for me to go to sleep?"

That's legit what I'm thinkin' about.

At what point can I go to bed and not get shit for it?

Jay, what room do you want?

I don't care, I'll take whatever's left.

You can have that one.

- The nice one. - Jason gets the nice one.

But you know what?

We gotta give it to him because...

...'cause he'll just... he'll l never stop complaining.

And we don't have...

...I don't have the strength to put up with it.

You know?

So...

Hope you're happy, dude!

I do hope he's hap...

I also hope he's not happy.

Why did Marguerite just send us a menu

for after the show, back here at the hotel?

Why do you think?

- Because no one asked her to. - 'Cause I knew you'd be...

No, because I knew you'd be grumpy.

No, I... I can wait until--

We're gonna have dinner, though.

We're gonna eat pre-show [stammers] a little,

but I'm not gonna stuff myself before the show.

- I will. - I bet you will.

And then...

And then post show...

Let's take a look at what's on the table over here.

- Yeah. - From last night.

Look at this!

Look at all this shit.

This food, all this stuff.

This is all you, Bateman.

You ate all that shit.

So I'm protecting us against--

The rice cakes, the almonds...

The Skinny Pop.

- The carrots. - Skinny Pop!

- Is that what I ate? - Plus your... your dinner.

Which was a superfood salad

with a grilled chicken cut up on it.

Anyway.

Please remember your attitude, remember your face.

- All of it. - Again, is it smiling right now?

- 'Cause that's what I'm telling my face to do. - It's not.

It's the opposite of smiling.

I'm happy right now.

It's so heavy and hanging.

We're gonna have such a big meal at 5,

there's no way we're gonna wanna eat when we come back to the room.

What're you gonna do, you gonna fuckin' hunker down before the... the show?

- You're gonna go out there just all... all... - Yeah.

Yeah. All bloated.

Man, you guys have never played in the NHL.

Here he comes.

Oh, yeah!

Restuff your junk again.

Put one more wrap on your unit and then come back out.

You wish!

What we does is he... he wraps his unit in toilet paper to build up girth.

'Cause it's very long but it's super, super skinny,

and he's got a complex about it.

He'll mummify it, you know, with toilet paper,

if he ever has to do a scene in underwear or anything like that.

Uh, Sean, ask him about that.

Okay. Hey, Will!

Just a little bit...

...of cream to...

...moisturize.

I mean...

I know that it looks it but I'm not getting any younger.

He'll build, like, a sleeping bag around it,

kinda, like, with toilet paper.

He does not do that.

Yeah. He bubble wraps it.

Definitely have less hair...

...then I used to have.

That part is troubling.

I'm actually kinda hungry. Are you?

Uh, I've have some rice cakes.

I'm okay.

I'm gonna have a rice cake.

All right, I'm gonna get dressed.

Oh, I don't think we can both be wearing white soled sneakers

so go ahead and switch.

- Oh! - Switch out.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah.

You know, I was first. I was definitely first.

- Huh, it's weird. - Huh.

Hey, it's cool, it's a good look.

You both look like you're, uh, you know, sports casters

for NFL today or something, you know?

- That's a nice jacket. - "They're wearing their dress sneakers."

Hey, we're young!

- You fuckin' tools. - We gotta go.

Ready to go?

Let's do it.

I'm nervous about the unknown.

You know?

Like, we've never done this.

But I'm also excited.

I'm excited. I'm ecstatic.

Excited.

I'm nervous.

That looks like a government building.

- State-- - Department of State!

State Department, man.

Oh! And then what is the monument in front of us?

Is that the Lincoln Memorial?

- That's the Lincoln Memorial. - Oh, it is?

And then to our left...

Washington Monument.

How do you know all that, Will?

Ooh, there's a helicopter goin' that way, do you think that's the, uh, president?

No?

- Hey, Mike? - Yeah?

Can we go take the van and park it in front of the Jefferson,

or the Lincoln behind us, and get out,

walk inside real quick and then come back to the van?

Yeah, let's do little five minute stops at each one of these monuments.

Michael, were you part of the January 6 riot?

Oh, okay.

Go ahead, keep that conversation going.

Ask him what his personal politics are.

Wait, did we just do a big loop?

Yeah.

Mike, you're single-handedly the worst tour guide

I've ever had in any city, at any point in my life.

We're just driving in circles, I just wanna get out of the van.

We can't flip a U-ie and get back there to the Jefferson, huh?

Or the Lincoln?

Uh...

We're driving further and further.

If you can slow down, Mike, just a little bit, pal? Thank you.

That's sarcasm.

Let's get to that Lincoln Memorial as soon as you possibly can.

Holy shit!

Motherfucker.

Are your flashers on right now, Mike?

- Wow. - Careful, jogger.

They're comin' for you, Mike.

There's a minimum speed.

It's usually driving slow is the giveaway that you're high,

by the way, Mike.

Wow.

Keep goin'.

Oh god, that feels better.

- God. - Hey, look! The Marines or somethin'.

- The Marines of something. - Sean. Sean, they're not single.

Oh.

Wow, this is so cool.

Did you guys see Rocky?

This is where he fought Mr. T, right?

At the top of the steps.

- No, that's over at the Washington Monument. - Oh, okay.

Okay.

I actually think that this grade. I don't think it's to code.

- I... - To be honest.

Stairs are too short.

- This is crazy. - I don't wanna be the guy...

It is a little slippery.

They're too shallow and too steep.

You'd never get away with this now.

God. How many people walk on this every day?

It's amazing.

It's pretty wild, huh?

Uh, this is the Maxell Tape guy, right?

- No, this is Thomas Jefferson. - Oh.

Yeah.

By the way, look how chiseled he is.

Definitely, uh, did not have a lot of sodium last night.

No sodium.

All right. Let's go.

Oh now, look at that, that's next.

Yeah, isn't it... Look at the view.

Should we walk over there?

All the way down there?

Well, yeah. What is it, a quarter mile?

Take us 10 minutes.

Well, we have to be at the venue by 3, is that right?

Yeah.

Why don't we keep our walk going all the way to the Capitol?

That's a long way.

What do you mean a long way?

- It's not even a mile. - How far is it from our venue?

Well, we're gonna have a van for that.

- Yeah, what's the name-- - When's the last time you had a chance to walk

from the Lincoln Memorial all the way to the Capitol?

- Been a few years. - Sorry, since January Sixth.

- Oh, man. - Have you guys seen Ozark?

Oh, god.

So good.

Look at that. Look how impressive that is.

All right, Willy, come here.

- The Jefferson Memorial. - It's the Washington Monument.

The Washington Monument.

Wow.

All right, so to the White House.

By the way, Jason, wait a minute.

- That's a long-ass walk. - Yup.

- Yup. - That is not longer than what we just did.

No, but that... that to the... the White House?

Oh, you know what we could do?

- It's so much better than walking? - You know...

- Have you noticed? - Pop it.

Ba-boom.

- Here we go, cutting in. Come on, Sean. - Got it.

Oh, Jesus.

That was close.

That was super close, you guys.

How far up the Capitol steps do you think we can get on these?

Watch this, they put this here for me.

Jump it!

- There it is. - Wait, is that the back of it or the front of it?

- Front. - Can we get closer?

Yeah, let's get closer.

It's just amazing that nobody's here.

I know, it's wild.

Do you know where we're goin'?

No. I... I can look.

- Hey, fellow Birders. - Hi.

Yeah.

- Look at that. - White House right here.

Pretty cool.

Fuckin' A.

Hey, guys!

Wow. You're telling me there's gonna be somebody in every one of those seats?

So we get up there and then what?

Wow.

This is wild.

Dude. What have we done?

Oi!

Okay.

Crazy.

This is crazy. I think we're...

Not to quote myself, but we made a huge mistake.

Guess who's hungry?

- Oh, yeah? - Yep.

- Get seated. Find your spot. - So I'm gonna rehearse my sitting.

- Let me tell you what doesn't look good. - Oh, there's your smiley face.

Look what Marguerite did.

And I just did one of those.

Should we have snacks out for our guest?

Oh, we're gonna have coffee mugs, stuff like that.

By the way, speaking of coffee.

Wouldn't mind a coffee run right now.

If you've ever noticed, Jason needs, like, four handlers.

- Because he has so many requests and complaints. - Endless.

Large, almond milk latte with two sticks, please.

Can you imagine the relief

of the crew when they wrapped Ozark?

Go ahead, take his order. What do you need now?

Are we gonna have this much echo tonight?

- No. Really? - Jesus fucking Christ.

So let me ask you this.

Hey, people over here.

Where does it get real ugly?

Nah, already?

The closer you get to camera.

You're definitely out of the light by here.

What did he say?

- Cheers to that. - Nothing.

Oi.

Get some food, 'cause you're a real squeaky wheel right now.

This is fucking crazy that we're here and that we're doin' this.

- Yes. Amazing. - What are you talking about, the podcast or the tour?

- Both. - All of it.

The podcast started with you saying

you were gonna do some bullshit, boring sobriety podcast.

Right? Something about hiking.

What was it called, The Campground?

The Journey.

I mean, close enough. I don't have the energy to tell you.

The Journey was about sobriety, god bless.

It wasn't about sobriety.

But it was something that was...

It was about people's experiences.

And that triggered a typical shitty response from me going,

"Oh, boy. Let me just be on that so, you can try to...

maybe the two of us will keep people awake."

By the way, he chose the word trigger,

which is amazing 'cause when he wants to talk about his experience

he feels very triggered.

So I was just kinda ribbing you,

and then the very next night I see you at our friend's house and I said,

"Oh, well you know, Will and I are gonna do a podcast."

- And then-- - That got me.

- ...a couple of days later-- - You called a meeting.

- 'Cause we couldn't do anything during COVID, right? - Right.

- Isn't that the way it all worked out? - Yes.

Wait, you know what before we do any more time in here,

I wanna send Marguerite out for something.

Yeah.

What did you order?

Gas-X and sugar-free Red Bull.

Thank god, because if you didn't...

...I was gonna order it for you.

Well, you don't wanna be uncomfortable out there and we just had dinner.

I know. Oh god, could that possibly happen out there?

- I will get gassy if I have... if I have gluten. - And just clench...

You can't just clench?

I can clench, but I'd rather not.

And if I know that it's gonna be one that isn't gonna make any noise...

Yeah?

I'll go for it.

Have... Have you never farted on a talk show?

While I'm on the show?

Well, if you gotta go.

It's only gonna smell if you haven't shit for a couple days.

Until the Gas-X and the sugar free Red Bull?

Oh!

- Marguerite, thank you so much. - Thank you, honey.

Thank you.

Some of these are really good.

Do you guys want some?

Look at these old men.

Tylenol, Gas-X, candy.

You want some Gas-X?

- No. Not anymore. - Did you take some?

I took four.

- Dude. - Because I just had a bunch of kale for dinner.

You know, I didn't want to have fucking steak and lobster like you dicks.

You know, I try to keep it real, you know, but...

Real close to the toilet, I guess.

I mean.

This guy's gearin' up.

- He's comin' back, he's back. - What? What.

You guys are gonna crash from that sugar.

- Am I? - You are.

Thanks, doctor.

Man.

You guys heard about that crazy accident?

What is it?

- Did you know about this? - What?

This guy dropped his peanut butter in the chocolate.

Did you know about this?

It's so dumb!

You are the dumbest person alive.

Isn't that how those commercials started?

"You got your peanut butter in my chocolate."

Well, thanks for breaking it down, genius.

Mmm.

You guys wanna talk to a baby?

No, I don't.

And why do you have to do it

where we all have to hear it.

I'll go out here. I'm gonna say goodnight to my baby.

Just fucking... Just make a phone call.

Jesus, this guy.

Yeah. You know.

You stupid idiots.

Do you... Do you honestly do, uh, voice exercises?

Have to.

♪ Sean, do you think We could do Broadway? ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ We could ♪

♪ But do you think there's a chance we could be in the same show? ♪

♪ Yes, yes ♪

- ♪ Yes, yes ♪ - ♪ Is there a chance that we won't be a no go? ♪

See, that's Broadway, Jason.

That's talent. This is what we're doing.

- Do you... Do you-- - Wake up.

- Do you have a stage voice? - No.

I've never done that before.

Have you ever done theater?

- Yes. - Wait, you said it like

it was to be... like, you were proud that you've never done that.

- No, I was proud that I was able to do it. - Oh, okay.

It sounded okay.

It sounded... It sounded good.

- Not good. I don't have a good voice. - But here's the thing.

You can kind of dance and kind of sing.

Thanks, hey, you know what, you're actually okay at doing things.

No, but you're always like, "I can't move, I can't sing.",

- I can't. - It's like, you can carry a tune and you can move.

- I don't know if I can carry a tune. - Can you carry a tune, Jason?

- No. I don't even sing in the shower. - Try.

♪ Try ♪

♪ Try ♪

♪ Try ♪

Try it.

- Try it. - Sing for real.

- No. - Do it.

Right now. Five, four, three, two, one.

- You have to. - No, we're not playing truth or dare.

No, it's Sing for Real, Summertime.

I didn't tap in, I'm not playing.

I'm not even standing.

Do you know Sing for Real?

When you make somebody sing a song and they can't do it as a bit.

- Yeah. - You have to do it as well--

Sounds fun to play one of these days.

- I'm not... - All right.

♪ Summertime ♪

♪ And the living is easy ♪

- So bad. - It's so uncomfortable.

I know, it's so uncomfortable.

Give me another song.

Welcome everyone.

Please remember to turn off your cellphone.

This is a reminder there is no photography or recording permitted.

None at all!

Now, please enjoy the show.

Don't forget to enjoy!

♪ Now I come to you ♪

♪ With open arms ♪

Wait, are we doin'... Are we doin' the...

Are they doing a thing right now?

Oh.

♪ With open arms ♪

Hey, stupid ass.

Here we go, this is the cold open.

- We're in it right now. - Okay.

Let's pray to the podcast god.

Okay, what's the prayer?

The prayer is...

- Please lord pod... - Podcast.

- Pod person. Pod person. - Yeah.

- Please shine your happy, funny, light, lovely light... - Light, lovely, light.

- On us. - ...on our

- stupid, stupid idea to go live with this pod. - Stupid, stupid idea.

- And. - And?

- Welcome to SmartLess. - Live.

And we're walking.

We're walking.

We got the rock and roll flashlight on the ramp.

Oh, come around.

No!

No!

What the heck.

Woah!

Washington D.C. thank you for having us.

- And please above all things manage your expectations. - Yeah.

Because it's just the three of us

talking to a person for an hour.

That's it.

- That's it. - There's no...

That's it.

- That's it. - So I hope you enjoy it.

Yeah.

We flew. And I've only been to D.C. once before.

I loved it, but I was here very briefly.

Sean, why don't you just relax

and get casual, uncross your legs a little bit.

So...

We, uh...

- And yeah, so we were-- - Wait, why did I bring my phone out here?

- What am I doing? - Oh, my god.

You brought your phone?

I... I... Listen. I'm... I'm a doctor.

We were driving in from the airport yesterday and I said--

Oh no, we were driving along,

and there's some, uh, some parkland or whatever, and you know, and Sean...

...seriously said...

"Is that where the grassy knoll is?

Or was it right..."

Not a bit.

Could not be less smart.

- Smartless. - So...

Well, it was shocking how little both of you knew about anything.

Well, I... What he didn't know,

this came from the Washington Monument.

It was a big Eff You back to Europe

that "We made it, we did it

and look we got a monument now."

- And that's where this all start-- - I don't know if that's true.

- I don't know if that's true. - It's not, Sean!

Oh!

Jason, this morning at one point he got,

sort of, like... sort of mad at me when were in the hotel room.

And I said, "Do you know what your face is doing right now?"

'Cause the look on his face was this.

And he goes, "Am I smiling?"

Is it? No, you're doing the opposite of smiling.

If anybody is north of 40 in this audience...

This is so heavy now...

...that I look... I look concerned

when I'm just supposed to be listening.

And so I have to tell myself when I wanna just be level,

I have to tell my face to be semi-surprised.

It lifts... It lifts it just a little bit

so now it's neutral.

And then if I want to seem happy,

I have to think ebullient.

- Um, this is... this is your guest, isn't it? - Yeah, yeah.

By the way, just to remind people,

- we... I... we don't know who this is. - We do not.

Jay and Sean legitimately don't know who it is.

We never do.

And that is totally legit.

Now do you have questions on you?

- Do you have cards? - Do you have your intro memorized?

No, this person doesn't need an intro.

Oh, really?

Wow.

This person has worn many, many hats.

This person was a cop.

- Oh. - A race car driver, a figure skater.

- Elizabeth Banks. - This person is America's best friend.

This person has been, and will always be,

to me the funniest guy that I know.

Mr. Will Ferrell!

What!

Oh, my.

- Whoo! - I'm so mad at you.

Okay.

- Let's get-- - I asked you is there a dress code?

You said...

...tuxedoes and cool sunglasses.

And I swear I don't see anyone in a tuxedo.

Okay.

It's February.

Sure.

It's pretty much the start of the year,

so I thought I'd read my New Year's Resolutions.

Good.

Stop saying "Pun unintended."

- Right. - That's a good note.

'Cause I love puns.

- Yeah, sure. - And whenever I use it, I mean it.

Right.

I really wanna commit this year to referring to all money, slash cash,

as cheese or cheddar.

And $100 bills as blue cheese.

So can I have a couple of those in blue cheese?

- Sure. - Good request.

Good for you to say, your agent calls you and says,

"Well, we've got an offer,"

and your only thing is, "How much cheddar are they offering?"

Right.

Drink at least 50 liters of water a day.

Fifty liters!

That seems like a lot.

Really try to stop breeding exotic big cats.

Mostly, tigers and jaguars.

- Really try. - Mostly.

Mostly.

Land voice over contract

- for REESE'S Peanut Butter Cups. - What the fuck?

Uh oh.

Oh, gee, that's what he's doing.

Good luck.

Chicago...

Chicago P.D.

Chicago Fire.

Chicago Med.

These are the three shows you're promising to watch this year?

No, I'm just...

I just love 'em.

- You love 'em? - Okay.

It's actually an ad.

This is actually an advertisement.

That's a paid ad?

It's a paid ad.

What the fuck.

You don't know how much blue cheese I just landed right there.

Speaking of Chicago, you look dangerously close to Harry Caray right now.

Chicago P.D.

What's more excitin' then solving a homicide in Wrigley Field?

I'm sorry, I... I got a lot more, should I just stop it?

Are you yawning right now, Sean?

- Am I what? - You were kind of yawning, weren't you?

Oh, I started... I've been yawning for 20 minutes.

That's the thing I don't understand about you guys

who do like movie after movie after movie after movie is like,

how do you adjust and then have the energy after 14 hours

to just get up and go, like, be funny and--

Ambien. Coke.

I got two dopp kit.

- Okay. - One's brimming full of coke.

Does anybody here know why it's called the dopp kit?

- Anybody? - Germany!

- Germany! Yeah. - Yeah.

And what about it?

This is all a ploy. We're trying to root out the Germans.

- He's right there! - Yeah! There.

- Get him! - Right there!

Ask... Ask Will Ferrell one question.

Oh, yeah, Sean. Go ahead, Sean.

Why are your eyebrows gray?

Why are your eyebrows gray?

I... It's just...

I just always have had gray eyebrows.

It's kinda my trademark.

- When you were a kid? - Yeah.

It's that really expensive Japanese tint,

- where you can gray... Yeah. - No way.

- Yeah. - No, I wanna know--

No, it's a part of the aging process.

Walking out there was crazy.

We're like, "What? Why are you here?"

I know! That's how I felt.

What are you doing? Don't your TVs work?

I know!

How do you all feel about how much we interacted with the audience.

Because it's interesting how crazy the audience gets

- after we give them permission to interact with us. - Yeah.

Then they feel like, "Oh, I got a little bit

now I'll take a little more and I'll shout out answers and questions and comments."

But it's the lesser of the two evils

because if we didn't say anything to them,

- and let's say the curtain was down... - Yes.

...and we were already there seated,

And the curtain came up and applause, applause, "Thank you,"

and then we just start talking to each other,

they would never engage.

And probably the laughs wouldn't be there.

- It's great that we come out and talk to them. - But...

But definitely... definitely when we're sitting down

let's talk to each other and not engage the crowd?

Well that's what I think...

No!

No, no, I'm saying he's saying

that maybe they're participating too much.

No, no, no, I know. I'm joking because you were, like,

"Then... Then let's not do it."

And then, like, as the show's going you're like,

"Hi, everybody! Look who it is!"

And then I'm, like, "Yeah, fuck, it's right on time.

As soon as he could.

- As soon as I see the faces. - I know.

These people.

I can't believe they all showed up.

I know! I know.

We didn't have a clock, but that's okay.

Oh, my god.

But you're wonderful.

Oh, my god.

I'm wearing my own merch.

Did you not even know the name of it?

Oh.

And you thought--

Wait, and you think, like, what,

we were just doing, like... like our list of favorite stuff?

Oh, like... like... What?

Do you think so?

Now that I see it on the back...

Yeah, but we thought it was a home run.

You know what I mean? I mean...

Oi!

Hello, friend.