Original subtitles

- Don't miss your flight, ray. - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You got everything?

You got socks, underwear?

- Yeah, yeah.

Oh.

- Toiletries?

- Yup.

I'm forgetting something.

I feel like I'm forgetting something.

- No, you should just go 'cause you could buy

Whatever you need at the hotel.

- Yeah, I guess.

All right. All right.

- What? Where's my good-bye kiss?

- All right.

- Mwah.

- See you Thursday. - Okay.

- That's what I forgot. - What?

- The sex. I forgot about the sex.

- Come on, ray.

- No, come on. We always have good-bye sex.

It's good luck.

- Honey, you're going to be late.

- So? I'll--I'll park the car

In the white zone, they'll tow it,

I'll pay the fine when I get back.

You're worth the money, baby.

- You're going to miss your plane, ray. Just go.

- No, come on. You're wasting time here.

Five minutes, I'll go for my personal worst.

- That's really incentive, honey.

Could you just go?

- You're never in the mood.

You said I could buy whatever I need at the hotel.

- I'll see you later, ray.

- This trip's going to stink.

- Flight 32 is now boarding.

All passengers, please proceed to the gate.

- [sneezes violently]

I'm sorry, man. I didn't see you.

I didn't see you. I'm sorry.

I'm really, really sorry.

Really.

- [squeals]

Oh, come on.

Come on. You've got to be kidding me.

Kidding me. Oh, god.

Oh, god.

[spitting]

[coughs]

Oh, come on!

Get out, get out!

God, get off me!

Everything in here, get off me!

[groaning]

Deb? - Yeah, I'm up here.

- Hey.

- Hey. Welcome home, ray.

- Some guy sneezed on me.

- Oh.

So did you miss me?

- I'm in the men's room at the airport, right?

I'm not bothering anybody.

This guy--he's-- he's right in my face

Sneezing like he's trying to blow out the devil.

- Oh, that's gross.

- Two seconds, I'm dripping in this material

From a-a complete stranger.

- Ohh.

- You know, you hear about this all the time.

You just--you never think it's going to happen to you.

- That sounds really awful, honey.

You know what, maybe I can help you forget, hmm?

- Hey, what are you doing?

I spent the whole flight--

Half the flight, I'm in the bathroom

Just--just scrubbing my face.

See all this skin? New.

Something's got to be wrong.

- You know, I'm sure you're fine, ray.

He was probably just sneezing

From all that disinfectant

They use in those bathrooms.

- Hey, if there was disinfectant in that bathroom,

It was getting its ass kicked.

You think-- am I going to get something?

- No.

- Look at my eyes. Do they look watery to you?

- No, they look fine.

Beautiful brown.

- What about the white part?

Does it look red

Or yellow?

- You know, honey, if you're so worried,

Why don't you go see dr. Sundram tomorrow?

- So you do think I have something?

- No, but--but if you don't believe me,

Then go see a doctor.

- You're probably right. Yeah, I should go.

Oh, man, I'm exhausted.

- Ray, you know how you're always complaining

That I'm never in the mood?

- Yeah.

Oh.

- Now you're getting it.

- Does my neck-- does it feel swollen though?

'cause-- no, just one side--

One side feels a little uneven.

I'm just--I'm just going to take some aspirin, you know?

Or maybe some of that "ibuprofrenian."

- I want credit for this!

I can't believe I shaved my legs.

[kids screaming]

- Hey, hey, hey, that's my--

That's my nightie. Give me that! Give me that nightie!

- But we're a horsy.

- You're-- yeah, all right.

Well, you're having more fun in it than I do, so...

All right, but scream upstairs.

[kids screaming]

- Hey.

- Hey, how are you?

- Awful.

- Are you sick? Is that what the doctor said?

- He's running some tests.

- What kind of tests?

- The q-tip in the throat thing.

- Honey, they do that to everybody.

Are you sick or not? What did the doctor say?

- Doctors. Look, I know how I feel.

- Okay, okay, so the doctor said you're fine.

- I'm not fine. I'm not.

You know-- you know how you feel

The day before you get the flu?

Well, this is the day before that.

That's what it is.

I should've went to the doctor tomorrow.

- Okay, you know what? Then go back again tomorrow.

- Oh, no way.

I probably caught something

From just being in that room with those people.

It's like a germ casserole in there.

- You know what?

I'm around germs all the time.

The kids bring all kinds of stuff home.

I hardly ever get sick.

- Maybe you're a cyborg.

- Maybe, or maybe it's 'cause I'm always in here

Washing stuff all the time.

My hands are always clean.

- Let me wash my hands.

- Yeah, well, you know, honey, you got to use soap.

- Soap, soap, soap.

- Use the soap there,

And--and scrub really hard, you know?

Like you're doing a pot. - Mm-hmm.

- Hey, do that pot.

- I don't wash my hands enough. That's the problem.

- Well, that-- that might be the problem.

Yeah, that's it.

Just get the soap all over that.

Hey, as long--

As long as you are home,

Why don't you take the kids to their play date?

- Yeah, yeah. Let me just finish this.

- Okay. Take your time.

- Hi, dears.

- Hey, marie.

- Raymond, I saw your car.

Why aren't you at work?

- I had a doctor appointment.

- You went to the doctor and didn't tell me?

Why wasn't I told?

- It's nothing, marie. The doctor said he's fine.

- He's running tests.

- Tests? What's wrong?

Tell me. I have a right to know.

- Some guy sneezed on me.

- What? What guy? Who? Who did this to you?

- Some guy. Some guy at the airport.

- Someone sneezed on you at the airport?

You could have anything from anywhere.

- Or you could have nothing.

- Oh, look at this face.

Look at the bloodshot eyes,

And the yellow skin, and the droopy cheeks.

- That's his regular face.

- No, no.

I have been feeling kind of droopy.

- Yeah, but the doctor said--

- Doctors.

He never had to go to a doctor

When I was taking care of him.

Give me your head.

- He's not hot, is he?

- Not yet, but something's coming.

- You see that?

I always feel normal right before I get a fever.

- Oh, that's amazing.

- All right. That's it, that's it.

Go ahead, get up to bed right away, young man.

We're going to nip this in the bud.

- She's right though. I think she's right.

- Wait a minute. What about taking the kids?

- Not in your condition.

All right, no more discussions.

Go ahead. Get up there. Go, go, go.

- I'll just, you know, go rest for a little while,

And, you know,

Maybe you could keep the kids a little quiet.

- He's such a brave little soldier.

- Soldier? No, he's a hypochondriac.

Every time he nicks himself shaving,

He wants to call a priest.

- He's a sensitive boy.

- Marie, he's not sick.

- What are you saying-- that raymond is lying to me

When he tells me he feels droopy?

- You really think he's sick?

- My son told me that he doesn't feel right,

And I love him, and I'm going to take care of him.

- And I don't love him?

- I'm not saying anything.

- All right, marie. Thank you.

- You know...

I understand that you're a young woman of today,

What with the women's lib and all that,

And you probably think of me as a very old-fashioned,

Out-of-touch "housewife."

And maybe I am,

But if someone in my family needs me

And wants me to take care of him,

I'm there for him,

And I'm happy to do it,

And now I'm going to boil my raymond a chicken.

[door closes]

- Hey. - Hi.

What's wrong with your hands?

- Well, they're all mentholated.

- Here, let me get that for you.

- Oh, thank you. - Okay? There you go.

- What are you doing?

- I'm rubbing this in for you.

- Why?

- Because you said you were sick,

And I want to take care of you,

And I'm happy to do it.

- Oh, okay.

All right. Just be careful.

Whoop, whoop, whoop. Whoa, yeah.

You don't want to burn my nippies.

- Okay. There you go.

Got that? - All right. Thanks.

- Hey, and I brought you some soup.

- Soup?

- Yeah, chicken soup.

- My mom's?

- No, mine. - Oh.

Bring it, I want to get all up in that soup.

- There you go.

- All right.

- How is it?

- Mmm. Hot.

Yeah.

- I added some celery.

- Yeah, look. There's the leaves.

The leaves.

- So how you feeling, hmm?

- I'm still droopy, I think.

- Oh, sorry.

Is there anything else that you need?

- Hey, maybe we could let this

Cool off a little more, huh?

Could you put it all the way over there?

- Sure.

[clears throat]

So what else?

Can I give you a back rub or something?

- What's the something?

- A back rub.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah? - All right.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- [clears throat] how does that feel?

- Oh, that feels good. Yeah. - Yeah?

- I should get sick more often. Yeah.

Ow, ow. That hurts. Yeah.

That's hard, that's hard. - Oh, sorry.

- Hey, could you do me a favor?

Could you-- could you change this blanket?

'cause this one is a little itchy.

- That's the one we have on all the time.

- Yeah, I know, I guess I'm just, like,

A little more sensitive now or something.

- [sighs]

- Yeah, that's the itchy one.

Oh, we don't have the blue one?

- It's in the laundry.

- Oh, well, should I wait,

Or is it not even in the dryer yet?

- Hey, how you doing?

Your mother sent me.

Said you were all alone over here.

- He's not all alone. I'm taking care of him.

- Oh, too bad, 'cause on the way over here,

I was trying to think of what we could talk about.

I actually came up with a little something.

- Well, we could still talk.

- Nah, I'll save it.

- Ma tell you about the guy sneezing on me?

- Yeah, yeah, shirley.

I ever tell you about korea?

I shared a latrine with 100 men.

You were lucky if you got sneezed on.

What's on the tube? - [clears throat]

You know, frank, ray should really be resting.

- Hey, ray, you up here? - Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, guys, he's in here. Come on.

Hey, how you doing, ray?

- Hey, hey, hey. - It's the sick boy!

- Oh, it's the guys.

Oh, so what are they doing here?

- Oh, yeah, I invited them over. - Oh.

- Just, you know, to cheer me up.

So how was practice?

- Gianni hit me in the face with the ball.

- Yeah, I threw him a pass.

- Yeah, when I wasn't looking.

- Not looking?

It hit you right between the eyes.

- Cheered up now?

- Yeah, yeah.

They make a cute little couple.

Oh, what did you get, guys? - Look at that.

- Oh, a pepperoni smiley face.

- Yeah, we did that in the car for you.

- Excuse me, girls.

Pizza.

- All right.

- So how you feeling, ray?

Look how cute you look in your little pajamas there.

- Yeah, they have a little trapdoor in the back?

- Yeah, yeah.

Open it up, there's a picture of you.

See? It's, like, it's the best medicine.

- You know, ray, are you sure pizza

Is what you should be eating right now?

- Oh, sure it is. It's comfort food.

- I'll take a slice of that comfort.

- Speaking of comfort...

Ahh.

- Hey, dad, we already have one sick person here, all right?

- Hey, ray, what happened here?

- That's chicken soup, gianni.

- Oh. Couldn't keep it down?

- Ray, can I get under the covers?

- Get out of here.

Come on. Get out of here.

- No, no, I'm good for you.

I'm like your little hot water bottle.

- Get out of here.

- All right, you know what, andy?

Get out of the bed.

You guys, I'm trying to take care of ray.

Andy, get out of the bed.

- What are you doing?

- I'm playing the banjo.

What's it look like I'm doing?

- Oh, come on, you don't know

How to do that. Give me that.

- No, no, no. I know how to do it.

All right, look, somebody time me.

- All right, I got it. - Ready? Go.

- All right, the time to beat is zero.

- Come here.

- Ray, what are you doing?

- I'm going to show him how to do it.

- I get a do-over. Give me the do-over.

- No, I can do it. Here.

This is how it's done. [chuckling]

- All right, let me try. Come on, let me try.

- Hey, boxed out. Whoa, boxed out.

- What are you boxing out?

- Come on. - Oh, in the post!

[guys shouting over each other]

Oh.

I was boxing him out.

- So it looks like you're feeling better, ray.

- Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe it's, like, a pizza high.

- Well, whatever it takes. Thanks, guys.

- Not in the face!

- All right, ray, so maybe you can start

Giving me a hand around here now, hmm?

- Hey! - Thank you, frank.

Okay, thanks for stopping by, guys.

Ray's all better now.

- I have chicken soup.

What are you doing up?

- Oh, nothing. I just--

- Get back into bed.

Oh, boys, boys,

You shouldn't be up here getting him all excited.

- It's okay, marie. He's fine.

- You're still saying that?

Come on, I said get into bed.

- No, ma, debra actually thinks that I should--

- Don't let her pressure you.

Now give me your head.

[kisses]

This is a person who should not be standing.

- What, what, what?

- I could bake ziti on your head.

Go, go. Go lie down.

- Marie, my god. He was just playing basketball!

- How's your throat? - It's a little scratchy.

It is a little scratchy. - You see?

And you're giving him pizza?

- I didn't--

- Cheese is a known phlegm producer.

All right, take that out of here.

- Right away, mrs. B. - All right.

Well, where's your blue blanket?

- Oh, it's in the laundry.

- [clicks tongue]

Here you go.

Now, I-I know you're in pain,

But I want you to try to get this all down, okay?

- All right.

- Just breathe it in.

- Oh, yeah, it smells good.

- That does smell good.

- She makes good soup. That'll fix you right up.

That stuff will grow back a limb.

- And-- and...

What else do you feel? Are you achy?

- I don't know.

- Where? In your chest or your legs?

- I--both, actually. Both.

- What about coughing? Are you coughing?

- [coughs] a little bit.

- All right, that's enough!

I can't take this anymore. - What? What?

Debra, raymond is sick.

- Oh, that's right. Raymond's sick.

Raymond is very sick, and do you know why?

Because you made him sick.

You're both sick.

- I am giving raymond what he needs.

- You're giving raymond what you need:

A sick little boy to take care of.

Well, I don't need another little boy!

And every time you come over here,

Raymond takes another step backwards,

And I got to wean him all over again.

Well, I'm busy!

And I don't appreciate the implication

That I am not a good wife and mother and not nurturing.

I'm a damn fine nurturer.

Now get out of bed!

And, marie, you take your soup and your flowers

And your probably home-baked bread

And get out of our bedroom!

[telephone rings]

What? Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay.

That was dr. Sundram's office.

Get back into bed. You got strep throat.

- Here you go, honey. Have your soup.

- Wow. Strep throat. - Mm-hmm.

- I probably should eat some ice cream, right?

- Oh, of course, dear. Anything you want.

- Chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry?

- Could you mix all three?

- Hey, you know, ma,

I-I'm thinking that since I've been here,

My throat's a little scratchy too.

- Oh, honey, give me your head.

- That's right. - Okay.

You sit down. I'll get you a bowl.

- [coughs softly]

[coughs louder]

- What is it, gianni?

Maybe you'd better have some soup too.

- Oh, okay.

- I got hit in the face with the ball today.

- Oh, I have plenty of soup.

- I've had a pain in the ass for the past 45 years.

You got any soup for that?

- How's my boy?

- [mumbles]

- Let's see, all right?

Oh, now it says 101.

This one's not accurate enough.

Flip over.