All language subtitles for After School Special (2017)

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So as you ladies can see,

by dating a guy like
Johnny football over there,

you stand to loose
$1,900 a year.

Now I don't know about you,
but I don't want to lose $1,900.

And, I know, he seems cool now,
but in like six months,

I guarantee you,
he's gonna be sucking
some guy's dick for money.

I mean, I'm just saying,
dating a guy like me,

the potential return
on that investment--

strong.

Wow.

I'm just-- I'm just gonna go
grab a drink or something.

Oh, my god, Mrs. Hanks.

You tease.

Ajay, operation
Johnson county underway.

I repeat, operation Johnson
county underway.

Do you read me?

What do you-- ajay?

That looks like the worst
Christmas ever.

Is that what you people
do in India?

Dude, I was adopted.

By the way, I've been
meaning to ask you,

how fucking old are you?

Hey, team, listen up.

Now given the configuration
of these numbers there

theoretically, how long would
it take to hold your breath

at the bottom of a ball pit?

What do you mean,
like Chucky Cheese?

That place is for babies,
what are you doing there?

Uh, sweet bleeding Jesus,
i ask myself that

every single day, but that's
another question. Other issues.

Anyway, I want to let you know
about something called,
"summer."

And I know you all want
to get the hell out of here,
i can see it in your eyes.

But summer stands for tanning
and building up your body.

This is something that I know
something about.

It takes discipline.

So please, send me pictures.

Lots and lots
and lots of pictures.

I need to monitor
and track your progress.

I'm sure you all understand.

And I'll give you an example.

Last summer I helped
Johnny here,

very nice,

gain 15 lean pounds.

Johnny was 16 last year.
Pretty sure that's creepy.

And illegal.

All right, soldier,
you stow that right now.

That was last year, okay?

Now since that time
i bought a delorean,

and at 88 miles per hour
i can drive your ass

to your 18th birthday,
is that clear?

Yes.

Uh, can I use the bathroom?

You may, but be careful
of those hidden cameras.

-What?
-Never mind.

Go out. You have
no sense of humor.

You children, what is happening
with you today?

What the hell were you doing?
I told you to use the walkie.

Oh, yeah, I think it was
off or something, I don't know.

Were you in there doing one
of your gay drawings again?

Danny, I'm just nervous about
this whole situation, man.

All right, are you
in the game or not?

Yeah, fuck it.
Why not? I'm in.

All right.
This is gonna be epic.

Since it is the end
of the year

I want to give you
a little bit of magic
from our friend Galileo.

He said that age
is but a number

and numbers
can be manipulated.

Everyone exit, please,
in a orderly fashion.

Stop!

I might butt fuck you

with discipline.

Listen guys, I know
it's the last day and all,

but you really
did it this time.

Imagine all the work you made
for our poor janitor.

Look, honestly,
I'm not even that mad.

But what about all the dildos?

I'll take those home with me.

We have a family reunion
coming up,

so do I have to fill out
tax forms or anything?

Seriously, cut the shit,
both of you.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

You called the cops on us?

Look, you're gonna
find out anyway,

but Chrissy Morgan
was kidnapped

on her way to school
this morning.

There's been others.

Damn, how many girls
are missing?

Chrissy is the third.

Hey, I like you guys,
and if it was up to me

I'd look the other way,
but unfortunately, it's not.

It's up to-- him.

Let's go.
Time to see the big man.

I'll save you some dildos.

Dick puppets.

Dick puppets hanging
from the ceiling?

Are you serious?

What in the hell
were you thinking?

Welcome to Johnson county, sir.

Johnson county?

I'm gonna take that
as a thinly veiled

reference to a cock.

A pee pee.
A dick.

A Peter.

A cornhole impaler.

A cervix crusher.

One hundred percent
all meat thermometer.

Hoo hoo dilly.

I gotta know
which one of you guys
came up with this idea.

Listen, I'm gonna
tell you something,

this thing went down
a little girls throat today.

Do you understand me?
It went deep.

Deep. Deep.

Deep into her throat.

Would you like me
to demonstrate...

This tonsil tickler going down
that little girl's throat?

Not if you're doing
the re-enactment,

but I wouldn't mind
seeing her swallow.

That's real funny.

I am here working my ass off

trying to form
these little girls,
these little boys...

Into the future citizens
of the United States of America.

God bless the U.S.A.

I gotta figure out something.
One of you guys did this.

One of you--
it was your idea.
Was it you, white boy?

Little Caucasian boy?
Was it you?

Was it you Indian boy?

Fucking Indians.

Sir, he's not
that kind of Indian.

-What?
-Sir, he's not--

-he's not that kind
of Indian.
-He's not?

I apologize.

I-- i-- I, habeeb,
i absolutely apologize

from the depth of my heart.

I did not mean to offend you.

You're not that kind
of an Indian.

It's all right.
I understand.

You are the kind of Indian
that talk like this.

You are the kind of Indian
when I need my computer fix.

They route me
over to the dot heads
over there in India.

If they can pull themselves
away from the cobras

in the wicker baskets

playing a skin flute.

Drives those damn snakes crazy.

So while you are
traversing the universe

on a magic carpet ride,
your people are raising

world oil prices everywhere.

You know, I bought
gasoline yesterday.

Five dollars a gallon.

He does get crazy sometimes,
sir, I mean, just, here,

just look at this.

Danny, what the fuck, man?

Good god, young man.
There is a cultural gap here

that definitely
needs to be filled.

I agree completely, sir,
but to be fair,

his village was destroyed
by an elephant stampede.

-Hmm?
-What?

No.

The bad news is
you boys are failing

your classes
for this semester.

Then we can't graduate.

No fucking shit.

-So...
-What's more, I'm gonna
make you pay back the school

for the damages
that you've done.

So basically,
what you're saying,
is that we're fucked.

Let me process
what you just said.

Basically,
what you're saying,

is we're fucked, yes.

-Excuse me, sir.
-What?

-I just had
an interesting idea.
-What's that?

Remember that little thing
we discussed?

Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.

-Uh-huh, I remember
that, yeah.
-Uh-huh?

This may be
a very opportune time
to give it a test run.

I think you're right.

Yeah, I like that.

A test run.

Opportune.

I like opportune test runs.

I'm gonna give them back
to you when I'm done.

Thank you, vice principal
chok-- chug

chokachi.

You got it.

Boys...

I'm very lonely.

The walls are talking to me.

What do they say?

Mostly about my mother's
infidelities.

She had no idea.
Bless her heart.

She thought black men
tasted like chocolate.

One day she comes home
with a little something--

something coming out
of the corners of her mouth.

I said, "mamma, what is that
something something

coming out of the corners
of your mouth?"

And she said I just ate
a fudgesicle.

She could not stay
away from the

black anaconda snake.

I should have known.

When she'd tuck me
in bed at night,

she'd kiss me on the cheek.

And she'd grab my hoo-hoo.

And she'd whisper to me,
she'd go, "good night, Russell,

my love muscle."

Okay, well, we gotta
go home and do that thing

where we tell our parents
what we did.

Yeah, I don't wanna
go unpunished for this.

I'm already getting the urge
to do marijuana.

Mmm, I see.
All right, okay.

Yeah, you guys better run
'cause your lives
are in danger.

Yeah, no, no I love
what you did last night.

Yeah, I'll be there at 6:00.
Yeah, wear that dress again.

Oh, I'll call you back.
Hey, boys! Hold up!

Listen, we have an experimental
mentorship program.

We pair you with a mentor
and you work all summer.

That's it.
And you still graduate.

Wow, sick.

You in?

-Yeah, it sounds great.
-Awesome.

I'll call your mom later
to fill her in.

And boys, please don't screw up
when you're using the guy data.

What did you do?

I had some interesting
experiences

on a certain famous TV show
with Carmen electra

and Pamela Anderson.

It was some crazy shit.

Come on! Get out of here!
Get out of here!

Fist pump it.
Boom, blow it up.

Boom!

Are you there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm good.

I am old money.

I am old money.

- I own many horses.
-I own many horses.

The cobbler will know my name

-and he will look me in the--
-the cobbler

- will know my name.
- -When he repairs my shoes.

They will look me in the eyes

when he repairs my shoes.

The cobbler will know my name,
and he will look me in the eyes.

- The cobbler.
- When he repairs my shoes.

Look me in the eyes.

When he repairs my shoes.

I'm old money.

I think-- I think
i might love you.

Ajay, let's go.

Oh, fuck, man!

I was about to score in my dream
and you ruined it.

What did she look like?

Let me guess,
you're the kinda guy
that likes small tits.

Uh, I don't know.

What do you mean
you don't know?

Danny! Ajay!

Uh, boys, downstairs, now!

In your face, thieves!

What the hell
were you two thinking?

None of my dildos
better be missing,

I'll tell you that much.

Oh, well, honey, I checked,
ours are still here.

Well, that's one good
piece of news.

I always knew
you'd be a loser.

Why is Ross here?

Shouldn't you be serving
diarrhea at captain fish?

I'm the second shift
assistant manager.

I don't serve,
but you got served

when I tackled your ass
in the driveway before, bitch.

You got me from behind
and I wasn't even looking.

Hmm! That's not the only thing
you get from behind now, is it?

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Ross is here
to help us figure out

what to do with you two.

That's right, Danny.
Me, you, living room, now!

Let's go.
Get up.

See, ajay? That's what
a brother's supposed to do.

All right, you little fucker,
anybody know?

Nobody knows.

What about your
turban-wearing brother, ajay?

What does he know?

If mom or dad find out
i let you dig out all those
dildos from the dumpster

behind the gloryhole
porn shop,

not only are you
a fucking dead man,

but you can kiss
all those captain fishes

free COD sandwiches good-bye.

You can't take away
my COD sandwiches.

I'm not even rich yet.

I'm living COD platter
to COD platter.

It really warms the heart to see
how much Ross loves Danny.

Yup, that's what I call
brotherly love.

Give a man a fish,
feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish,
feed him for a lifetime.

You don't even catch fish.

Unless you count fishing
through the freezer.

There are no free lunches.

You should know that already,
Mr. business man.

Now hug me.
They're watching.
Hug me right now.

Ajay, where did you get
all those dildos?

Oh, um, a friend--
a girl. A girl.

Well, you know, Danny is always
talking about penny stocks

maybe he sold off
a few to buy them.

Amazing.
He's our little entrepreneur.

Those two really
love each other.

Yeah, two future
power players

in the midst of a sibling
love embrace.

When I get rich,

I'm gonna buy all
the captain fishes in the world

and fucking fire you.

Now that just sounds
fiscally irresponsible.

Besides, you don't have
the skill or the capital

to ever make that happen.

You're a stupid little virgin
and that's all you'll ever be.

Looks like you two
had a great talk.

I hope you learned something.

I did, mom.

Very good. Very good.

Don't worry, mom.
Don't worry, dad.

I straightened him out.

He's gonna be
a good little boy,

aren't you, Danny?

God damn it!

There's an overturned
shrimp truck on the highway.

- I gotta jet.
- -Thanks, Ross.

You're a good man.
You're a good man.

Love you. Bye.

Vice principal Cho-- ch--

chokachi.

Tells me you two have been
assigned a mentor.

Can mentor these nuts.

Maybe those nuts need
to be mentored, young man.

I wrote down the address.

It's close by.
Some place called,
"fatty's."

Your mentor's name
is Mr. Tyler lavey.

This is one fucking hell
of a salad, honey.

-Thanks, honey.
-It's fucking great.

You guys fucking think
it's fucking great?

This is fucking great.

Yeah?

Hi, we're looking
for Tyler lavrey.

Lavrey?
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

No, no, lavey. Lavey.

Lavey. Lavey.
Yeah, lavey.

-Yeah, get in here.
-Sorry, yeah.

You guys fucking meet
muppet babies?

Give me that.

Oh! Gotta feed the meter.

Dude, what the fuck?

Balderdash!
Let's go.

Was that cocaine?

Dude, it smells weird in here.

They're here for you.

Sit the fuck down.

Listen, I thought this
would be a cool thing,

this high school
mentorship program.

You know, a good PR
move for my club,

but I don't wanna hang out
with you two losers.

Look, sir, my name is ajay.
This is my brother, Dan--

I don't care who you are.
You know what?

I'm gonna call
vice principal chokachi

and tell him I'm not cool
with this whole thing.

Look, wait--

look, I'm a strong guy,
you're obviously a strong guy--

are you hitting on me
you little squirt?

All I'm saying is that we can
help you around the bar

and get stuff done.

Hmm, you wanna do
some stuff around the bar.

I don't think so.

My bar is a certain
clientele.

Very exceptional people
come in here.

I don't want them to see me
with you two losers.

Wait.

Look, Tyler, Mr. lavey,
if you don't let us do this,

principal Hanks is gonna
have us by the balls.

That man keeps vaseline

and anal beads
in his front desk.

He will do unspeakable things
to our balls and rectum.

That's fucking gross.

You know what,
i guess I get it.

I'm gonna put together
a little mission list.

Things you have to do.

Complete the list,
and I'll keep you guys around.

-Oh! Oh!
-Mr. lavey, are you okay?

God.

Yeah, sometimes you have to feed
the seed to the birdies.

Thank you.

I'm really fucking busy,
as you guys can tell.

So here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna text the two
of you guys tomorrow

with the first mission,

and it's gonna be
a fucking adventure, boys.

So be ready.

Uh, we're supposed to help
clean up the halls?

Enter, if you dare.

Ladies, pull up a toilet.

Or just sit.

We're to clean up the uh--
dildo dick situation

you got going on there.

Let me just ask--
who flooded my halls

with rubber penises?

That was me.

-In all my years of working--
-look, sir--

-in this shit hole--
-we're really sorry.

I laughed my ass off.
That was pretty amazing.

1500 rubber penises
in the hallway.

I mean, I've cleaned up
like 100, but 1500,

that was like,
it was like a party
at Elton John's house.

Oh, my god. Wow.

Anyway... do you want to play
on z whistle?

Yes, the magic whistle.

Play as a whistle.

Very nice.

Very nice.

Holy shit, man.

--Whatever happened to us--

whatever happened to us
cleaning up the halls?

Oh, bros,
i took care of it, man.

All right?
Life is tough.

I didn't want you guys
to get fucked over.

I mean, look at me.
I'm a janitor.

I'm smoking weed
on a toilet.

I mean, I'm 19 years old.

Look at how hard life is.

I know it's funny to you,
but it's tough, man.

So, consider me
your life guru, all right?

And the purveyor
of the best whistle weed

in this awesome land.

Sweet.
I'm Danny.

-Ajay.
-Was up?

Whatever.

I'm wacon.

Wacon bacon.

Your legal name
is wacon bacon?

There's no fucking way.

Yeah. My parents
did a lot of drugs.

Yeah, wacon bacon, man.
Wake up and toke

right out of my mom's vag.

Yeah, my brother lucked out.
His legal name is Turkey.

Turkey bacon.

And he changed to Kevin,
and became an actor.

Have you seen like
the movie, "tremors"?

Hold on.
You're brothers
with Kevin bacon?

Yeah, I'm his younger brother.

The Kevin bacon?

No, the other Kevin bacon.

What the fuck.
There's only one Kevin bacon.

Jesus Christ.

But yeah, I'm his younger
brother, man.

I uh-- we used
to be really tight

and I went on the set
of "footloose,"

and John lithgow was taking
a nap on set and I farted

in his mouth.

And, uh, nobody thought
that was very funny,

especially lithgow.

He had really
bad breath after that

and ruined a couple scenes.

But anyway, long story short,
you wanna buy some weed?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, sure.

All right, cool.

Can we have the whistle?

Give me my fucking
whistle back, man,

-are you psychotic?
-All right, all right.

Oh, wow, I'm taking a shit.

All right, take out
his text again.

All right,
remember what Tyler said.

I gotta film you picking up
a random girl. No dating sites.

That girl over there,
she looks beautiful.

Bet her personality's
even better.

-Okay, am I good?
-You're sick.

Look at me. You're sick,
you're sick.

-All right. All right.
-Be strong.

Ring ring.

Hello?

All right, I'll tell her.

Um, your pants just called

and they wanna be
on my bedroom floor.

-Really?
-Yeah.

It just rang
and I answered it

and just delivering
the message.

Thanks.

Oh, shit.

There no fucking girls
around here.

No, this place is dry.

Hold on.

That fucking girl's just hot.

-I don't know, man,
she looks like a slut.
-Exactly.

Fucking go over there
and make some like

witty joke or something.

--Just tell her
to leave you alone.

This is ridiculous.

Okay.

Hi, uh, you wanna, um...

You wanna go
to a lumber yard with me?

Looks like you could
use some wood.

-Jerk.
-Asshole.

Oh, look who's a pussy now?

You know, if you have sex
with a handicap guy

you go directly to heaven.

What? You don't wanna
be saved?

Well, I guess you can
go to hell.

My god, I'm saved.

Dude, put that thing out.
What if someone sees?

Dude, I have a cane.

I'm not gonna get arrested.

Oh, my god, I am so sorry.

Nah, don't worry about it,
it's fine.

Well, well, well,
what do we have here?

Um...

You know, normally
I'd arrest someone

for smoking marijuana
out in public like this, but--

obviously this is medicinal,
isn't it?

Yes, it's medicinal marijuana.

All right,
be careful with that.

Nobody else gets to smoke that
but him, all right?

-No problem.
-All right.

I'm really sorry.
If you guys want a drink
or some food or something,

I can-- I work here, so--

well, we're Tyler's
new employees.

I'm Danny Kent,
future business mogul.

Power player.

I'm ajay Kent, human being.

You're both kents?

You're not brothers, are you?

Actually, we are.

I would love
to hear that story.

-Maybe some other time.
-Yeah.

Okay, well, I'm Jessica,
Tyler's niece,

so if you guys need anything,
just let me know.

What are you doing
with that cane,

you little pecker?

Oh, my god,
you were faking it?

Oh, my god!

That's pathetic.

Well, get inside
and clean the toilets.

Let's go.

Make me a nice target, babe.

Uh, your ball.

Hold up, hold up.

Almost got it.

Hooyah!

You're an insensitive prick.

That's so cruel.

Did you guys get
what I wanted?

-What?
-The videotapes?

- Not cool.

- Oh, look
who's a pussy now?

You guys are such
fucking losers.

So now that we did
what you asked,

do we have a job or not?

Well, you kinda
did do what I asked,

but you also failed miserably.

So, is that a yes?

Is that a yes?

I have a very big
delivery tonight.

Clients that need
booze for a party.

156 Flanagan.

Here's the address.

Don't be late.

We don't have a car.

I'll have Jessica drive you.

Now get the fuck outta here.

Here's your phone.

And guys, this party's
a little bit kind of weird

from what I've heard,

so get in and get the fuck out.

Okay, load it up.

Nice wheels.

It's not mine.

Why would I drive around
in this weird Van?

Okay, listen, about earlier--

you know what?
Just save it.

Dirtbags like you
are a dime a dozen.

I see them at the bar
every night.

I'm not like them.

It was an honest mistake.

Honest?

You're a pathetic little man.

Whatever.

When I die, people are gonna
love me so much

they're gonna put my body
on top of a mountain,

and an American flag
of hot women,

fucking soaked in oil,

they're gonna mourn my death.

Well, howdy, boys.

Mrs. Hanks, I didn't know
you had such a beautiful home.

Oh, stop with the Mrs. Hanks.

We're not in school.

You can call me Monica.

Okay.

Well, don't just stand there,
you have a job to do.

Just unload it in the kitchen.

For your troubles.

-Wow, thanks.
-Thanks.

Danny, there's something
i need to speak with you about.

It's for school.

Alone.

Oh, all right,
I'll wait in the Van.

See you in the Van.

Danny, I have
an assignment for you.

Will you come with me?

Do you like what you see?

Yes.

Throw me on the bed.

Monica.

Fuck.

Everything okay?

What the fuck took so long?

She wanted me to put it
some place else.

Uh, excuse me?

The drinks.

Forget--
let's just get outta here.

Okay.

Dude, what happened last night?
You seemed off.

I don't know.
It was weird.

Did Mrs. Hanks
touch your pecker?

Actually, no.

But I did hear something
weird going on back there.

Weird?
Like a dude getting
banged in the ass?

Guys! Get back to work!

It's a full fucking bar inside.

Hey, why you guys always dress
in the same shit?

Dress like a man.

Get inside.

-Hell, yeah!
-Ay! Oh!

Two more.

You down with o.P.P.?

You know me, baby angel.

Here, it's for you, sweetheart.

Oh, shit.

Please don't throw money at me.

Two more shots
of your top vodka.

What the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck, bro.
Do I know you?

He was taking a picture.

Ah! Not true.

-What?
-Get the fuck out of here.

You two. Now!

-Whoa!
-You're fucking serious?

That's why you fucking bitches
belong in a god damn strip club.

-Oh, shit.
-Fuck!

Bitch!

I'm sorry for the way
I've been treating you, Danny.

Just forget it.

Maybe we could start over?

Of course.

I'm Jessica goodall.

Jessica, I'm Danny Kent.

Do you wanna go out sometime?

He's only 17.

My mom's nine years
older than my dad,

and I'll be 18 of next week.

Let's go.

Get back to work.

Have you been there
the whole time?

Someone's gotta do the work.

Yeah, someone's
gotta do the work.

Fucking crack head.

Uh!

That's the real
Cunningham pennyfeather.

I'm gonna talk to him.

I own many horses.

Horses?
Horses?

Oh, god, don't say I wandered
into some barn again.

No sir, this is a bar.

A bar?

Well, then.

Can you get me a drink then?

You gonna have the usual,
Mr. pennyfeather?

Well, only if the usual
comes I suppose.

Work a little.

Sweat them up
what you got there.

If you know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean.

Actually.

This young fella here,
you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah.
I know what he means.

He knows.

Sir, I just wanna say
that the power triangle
changed my life,

and it turned me into
the person I currently am.

Well, that's good.

That'll be eight bucks.

Uh, how about you
taking care of this young fella?

From one power triangle
to another,

glad we're here.

The pleasure's all mine.

Thank you, sir.

Get back to work.

Pennyfeather, this better
be worth my time.

I just left my youth
wrestling tournament.

I didn't know you coached.

-Most happy.
-Yeah, coach, yeah?

Well, that's a nice euphemism
for legal child molestation.

Coaching, hell, no.
Those are meat markets.

I go there
for the young gonad.

There you go,

straight from the presses.

Guarantee offered
in the loo, my friend.

What would I do with your pube
little Tome, huh?

I'm kinda down at the moment.

You know i-- I just kinda need
an infusion of cash,

if you know what mean.

I mean, I'll do anything.

Anything.

Now you listen to me,
you old queer.

Don't come on to me
like that, okay?

Damn it, kosta!

My water pesters me.

I've got no where
in this world

where I can sit and get
an iota of comfort.

God, you are really fucking
with my vibe right now,

you know that?

Fine, fine.

Now look, this party
makes the illuminati

look like a bunch of mormons,
okay?

They're real power players,
real men with real cash.

You gotta behave like
someone kind of important.

The address is 256 Flanagan.

Bring your crap
and be ready, okay?

Dude, did you hear that?

It's the same place
we were last night.

So? It's a fucking party
in a mansion.

What do you expect?

Yeah, a mansion where I heard
some guy scream, "Chrissy."

Well, what do you wanna do?
Call the cops?

Are you fucking crazy?

If we find Chrissy Morgan,
we'd be famous.

Why would I?

I promise I will. I will!

And one more thing,
pennyfeather.

Don't even pretend
to be straight.

And don't bring your dead
wife's ashes, please.

Oh, no, Lucy, she'll stay
in the glove compartment

like she always does.

-Yeah. Whatever.
-Thank you. Thank you.

I can see the fucking headlines,

"Kent brothers
find missing girl."

It's fucking iconic.

All right, I see where
you're going with this.

I got an idea.

Thinking what I'm thinking?

Fortunately, yes.

How do I look?

You have the body
of an oil tycoon

and the face of
an 18-year-old virgin.

How about now?

Surprisingly convincing.

But you should
acquire a fake beard.

Fly me--

hey, Danny, you in?

Yeah, just waiting for Justin
to get around back.

Okay, anything I can do?

Email me the Wikipedia page
for pennyfeather.

I don't want to be
caught off guard

if anyone starts
asking questions.

Hey, Danny, be safe,
all right?

Take care of Jessica.

It's gonna be epic.

I am old money.
I own several horses.

The cobbler will know
my name.

Batten down the hatch,
i have arrived.

Oh, my god, Michael j,
it's so good to see you.

Oh! Velour, velour, velour.

Have a good time tonight.

Hi, hi, hi.
Oh, my god!

Oh! It's the lone ranger.
I love a man in a mask.

Oh, my god,
i love a man in a mask.

Where is Tonto?

Oh! Must be Tonto.
Oh, my god.

You were always my favorite.

There must be guns inside.
Can't wait. Oh, my god.

Invitation?

You've reached
the Brian studs hotline.

To begin your sexual journey,
press one.

Show me
the secret sign, please.

What do you like to do, ajay?

I like to draw.

Are you any good?

Yeah, I mean, I got
a full ride scholarship

to fine arts institute.

Are you still in school?

Yeah, I'm a high school senior.

What do I look like
in your mind?

Well, you're probably sitting
next to a microphone,

and you're a musician, so you're
probably slender and artistic.

You're more right
than you think.

Bob! Did you hear that?

What?

Stop messing around, Bob,
i thought I heard someone.

No, honey, I think
you're just being paranoid.

I'm sorry.

I haven't been
sleeping well lately.

I'm just so worried
about the boys.

They're good kids, honey.

They just got a little
carried away.

I'm sure you remember
what it was like
being a teenager

with all those hormones, hmm?

Mmm.

Hey, now, all right.

-Hey.
-Mmm.

So do you remember
how to make a "hormone"?

Oh, yes, I do.

My little Bobby wants
some sugar, mamma bear.

I got some sugar
for papa bear. Come on.

Come to mama.

So that pretty much sums up why
I'm stuck working at a bar

with an overgrown man child
and an undergrown-- child.

I don't mean to interrupt,

but did you say you hung
hundreds of dildos

from the ceiling and the walls
at your school?

Well, my brother, Danny did.

Wow, that's kind of impressive.

I mean, I helped, too.
It was both of us.

Sounds like your brother, Danny,

is over compensating for his
perceived lack of success

by creating situations
to impress those on him.

Yes! Finally! Someone
who understands.

Remember that everyone
has a journey

and must come to a personal
truth at their own pace.

Life is not a sprint,
but a marathon.

Get in here.

Shh.

I can't believe
i agreed to this.

What's the plan?

I don't exactly have one yet.

Oh, that's just perfect.

Okay, how about I stay away
from everything,

if Chrissy Morgan's here
she's isolated from the party.

Okay.

Get out there and mingle,
I'll look for her.

All right.
I'll look for anyone suspicious.

-Okay.
-And Jessica,

if anything happens to you,

all right-- uh,
high five? Good luck.

Fist bump.

This had better
be good, Steven.

Oh, it's gonna be good.

She's almost ready
for the ceremony.

Watch this.

Bow.

Oh, for god's sake.
Bow a little lower

for the madam, please.

That's better.

Now watch this.

First position.

Decent.

Second position.

Unacceptable.

Damn it, Chrissy.

You know, if we really
want to do this right,

I think some deep red dahlias

would accent
the blood vessels.

-No!
-Oh, shut up,
you little slut.

At least you're wearing
a white wedding dress.

Whoa! Whoa! Guys, easy.

Easy, Chrissy!

-Winner, first fall.
-Hey!

Oh, honey, you were great.

Boy, if you had
a fucking dick,

you and me would be good.

Yeah, god.
Nicely done.

Hey, pennyfeather,
get your ass over here.

Help me lube up here.

Here hold this
for me, would you?

Don't drink that shit,
it's lube!

I guess it comes down
to being ashamed

of my disappointing parents.

Sweetie, this isn't
1950 anymore.

If people can't love you
for being who you are,

do you really want them
in your life?

I just don't wanna be
disowned by my parents.

I'm sure if you knew
what your parents were into,

it would shock you.

Papa bear.

Yeah, I guess,
but what about Danny?

I'm sure Danny
will find a way to become
comfortable with this.

What about some nice
bleeding hearts?

You stupid son of a bitch.

If it weren't for me,
none of these girls

would have beautiful
sacrifices.

If it were left up to you,
they would all be just dying

in front of wood paneling
and shag carpeting.

Yes, dear.

You know what?
I forgot to call my sister.

I was gonna ask her about
staying at the lake this summer.

I think the boys would like
a surprise visit to the lake.

Who's this on my phone?

Get off my phone, freak!

No, I'm not gone.

Get your butt downstairs
right now, mister.

Ajay, were you
getting catfished?

What?
I don't--

do you even know
what that means?

Now, son, now we only want
what's best for you.

Listen, I know what I heard.

And if this is another one
of yours and Danny's pranks,

I want it to stop now.

-But mom--
-but nothing.

Your father and I work
too hard to keep you kids fed

with a roof over your heads.

I expect this from Danny.

Not you, ajay.

Speaking of--
where is he?

Go get him.

Oh, uh, he told me
he wasn't feeling well.

I think he already
went to bed.

I don't care.
Go get him.

My god, I picture you
with six inches of cock

and bullets the size
of Rhode Island,

you hear me?

That's beautiful, well done.

I gotta take this.
I gotta take this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, you just saved me
from the weirdest shit.

It's mom. She wants
to see you now.

Well, how can
i do that, ajay,

when I'm Cunningham pennyfeather

surrounded by a bunch
of oiled up muscle chicks?

What?
Where are you?

Okay, look, stall mom,

and I'll be home
as fast as I can.

Ajay, get over here now!

Chrissy!

Stop that!

Somebody stop her!

-Stop her!
-Sorry.

We've got an imposter!
We've got an imposter!

Let me--

--stop him! Stop him!

- Go!
-He's got my clothes on, stop him.

-Police!.
-He's got my clothes on,
stop him! Stop him!

Danny Kent, what in the fuck
are you doing here?

Catch you little prick!

-I'm getting you,
-you little cock sucker.
Stop him!

-Do you hear me?
-Stop the man!
Stop him!

Mom, he's uh,
he's got the shits.

He's shitting real bad up there.

I think he ate that COD meal.

Okay, well, ask him
if he wants me

to make him some tea
for his tummy.

But as soon as he's done,
to get his rear down here.

Okay, will do, will do.

I'll get him right away.

Okay, here comes lavey.

Tyler, dude, where are you?

Tyler, dude, where are you?

I'm pretty sure I found
Chrissy Morgan.

Oh, yeah, and Jessica
might have been kidnapped.

Okay, bye.

Hurry up, come in.

I wanna go on the record
for being totally against this.

Did you want mom to catch you?

Boys, be here, now!

What the hell, boys?

Just when I think things
cant get any worse,

you pull this crap.

- Mom, you don't understand.

I wonder who
it could be at this hour.

I don't know, go check, Bob.

It's a police officer.

Christ, what did
you kids do now?

Hi, officer.
What can I do for you?

I can't believe
you hired an escort.

Who even delivers
at this hour?

Well, you're not
a real police officer.

I'm not here to dance.

This is how this is
about to go down, you see?

Who is that?

Why the fuck are you
throwing carrots?

Give me the orange.

Guys, come on, let's go.

Where are you taking them?

-What?
-What are you doing?

Wait!

Come on, this way.

Damn it.

Did you do as I asked?

And who might that be?

Oh, terrific!

Just one day before the biggest
sacrificial offering

in the history
of secret societies

and we have three
men who know too much.

The most wealthy, powerful men
in the known universe

are going to be here
tomorrow night.

Men, who, mind you, are paying
me good money to be a part

of sacrificial offerings.

We must not let these kids
foil our plans.

Just kill them.

Where are we?

You ask way
too many questions, kid.

-Too many questions?
-Yeah.

I think now
is the perfect time

to ask many, many,
many fucking questions.

My girl's in danger.

Your girl?
You mean my niece?

The one you dragged
into this mess

because you couldn't mind
your own business?

Guys, look.

We're in imminent danger

and you bring us to see
an old fucking lady.

What, is she going
to give us a cough drop

and tell us how polio was?

That's my grandmother
and she can hear you.

Guys, shut the fuck up,
all right?

-We're here because, uh--
-i know.

So what are you
gonna do about it?

Oh, um, that's why
we're here.

I see.

Get rest.

You're gonna need it.

Insecurity.

Lack of self understanding.

And most prominently,
a fear of the truth.

These are all
human attributes.

Attributes I see
in the three of you.

Oh, what is that?

Bunch of pussies.

The sooner you set
yourselves free

the sooner we can
free Jessica.

Unity amongst you
is beautiful

and will grow stronger
with time and trust.

Now whether Tyler told you,
i raised Jessica.

She is an amazing
young bright woman,

and she means
the world to me.

You know where she is?

I know where she is.

We need knives and guns.

No guns, no knives.

When I was a secret agent I used
only unconventional tactics,

things no one had ever seen.

Where do we find such things?

Within yourselves.
Team work together.

Let the synergy be your guide.

The three of you
make a triangle.

The power triangle.

I have faith in you three.

On the count of three,
let's do a power triangle.

One, two, three.

Power triangle.

Everything okay?

Now press the envelope
and deliver.

Let's get epic.

There's our man right there.

There's our man.
This man will hate you.

When we're on, we're good.

Throw my money.
Get my money.

This is my money.

You're a pathetic
little man.

Your greed sickens me.

You don't--
you don't understand

the power
of the triangle, kid.

No, you don't understand
the power of the triangle.

Go to sleep, old man.

I'm going in.

Shit, I don't have my phone.

Here, take mine.

Thanks, bro.

Bro? Since when
do you call me bro?

This is the first time I feel
like I've been one to you.

I expect to hear
a lot more then.

Listen, enough of this,
you two love birds.

When you locate Jessica,
you text us.

We got your back.

Ticket.

Uh, I left it in my delorean
next to my flux capacitor.

Very funny, kosta,
used that line last night.

I still need a ticket.

Enjoy your evening, sir.

Kosta, your presence
is requested.

This is your night.

Why are you
doing this to me?

All because...

I wanna make you look...

Fabulous, yeah.

- Mmm...Mmm...
That's pretty.

This was my mother's
wedding dress.

She wore it.

You know, she liked
little boys.

She couldn't help herself.

Neither can I.

Well, well, well, Mr. Jeremy.

I love watching you swallow.

What's going on up there?

Just a porn star
choking the chicken.

For god's sakes, what's that
fucking yeti doing here?

How does he stand
the heat at night?

Those pecs are like
steamed vegetables.

Kosta! Hi!
This is my friend, kosta.

Everybody meet kosta.

Kosta meet everybody.

Hey, kosta, you ever give
a little kid a used condom,

and tell him
it was a go-gurt.

Oh!

Seems a little fucked up.

-That is fucked up.
-Oh, excuse me.

Aren't you standing tip toe
on your high horse today!

Seems a little disrespectful.

This from a guy who rationalizes
having sex with minors,

by bragging you have the highest
test scores in the state!

Like that's gonna
justify it.

Hey, you gotta admit those
'cause they're limping off

-to a brighter future.
-That's why I love you, potsie.

Come here, you slime ball.
Let's have a private moment,

come here, come here.

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

You're not a bad guy,
you need a black hat.

You need some love.

Kosta, what do you think
of the girls you got here?

-Fucking girls.
-Pretty sexy, huh?

-Oh, that--
-yeah, I'd love to--

I mean, no, no,
my penis is like kix.

Kid tested mother approved.

-Oh, it is,
it's mother approved.
-And he's right it is.

-Faster, you're getting soft.
-My mother approved.

-You're getting soft. In fact--
-maybe too soft.

-I think a little too soft.
-Maybe.

They all have masks.

Check this out.

You're getting soft, kosta.

Perhaps a little too soft.

Ah! Oh, my god.

You know, we have a strong
policy about intruders here.

You picked the wrong
party to crash.

Hold him, Ron.
I'll get the gun.

Well, make it quick.
I wanna keep this festive.

Yeah, right.

Cut it out!
Just lie there, will ya?

Now who are you?

-I'm kosta.
-You're not kosta!

I'm looking at your face,
you idiot.

What brings you
to this party?

Why are you here?

Oh, no, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Who's this?

Is this miracle
lamentations of love?

Miracle lamentations of love.

Oh! It's Eric, baby, hi.

I know.

I wanna--
i wanna talk to him.

Hi, I have a big cock
and I like to get a nice
ball suck massage.

Look, I'm sitting here,
my penis is out parking the car.

The eagle society
secret wealthy group

of prominent homosexual men
with mommy issues,

often blaming the infidelities
of their mothers

as the root of their
unhappiness.

It's very encyclopedic.

Seems too straightforward.

Like a suppository
for a secret book.

Well, maybe the guys
that wrote this thing

were on a tight deadline.

So I have a problem
with premature ejaculation.

Hey, why are you giving
Ron Jeremy my phone?

Not that I mind
where his hands have been.

Who cares about
the fucking phone?

Any ideas where my niece is?

I got an idea.

Let the games begin.

Gentlemen, tonight we put
an end to the ghost

of our mothers' judgment.

No longer
will we be judged

for the choices
that we've made.

Choices that were made
that were predetermined

before we came out
of our mother's womb.

Let the sacrifice begin.

Dude, you're homosexual,
why didn't you tell me?

You? How could
i possibly tell you?

All you care about
is material things,

how people perceive you.

How can I be honest with you?

You're not even honest
with yourself, Danny.

Fucker.

You know, Sonny,
you've always been

a disappointment to me.

I expect that from sons
who wet the bed

until age 15.

If your mothers
could see you now.

Oh, yes, they can.

You should always carry a piece
of your mother in your heart.

It's picture school day
and you're not even dressed

to impress.

You better smile, you--

oh, fuck!

Get over there.

Everybody back the fuck off

or you're gonna get
an ass full of lead.

And to clarify,
this is a deadly weapon.

I'm not talking
about any kind

of kinky stuff.

What did you do
with my mistress?

You can say she's waking up
to some harsh realities.

Nah, this is my favorite one.

Got it from a blind guy.

That's an apple, you idiot.

Oh, yeah, did you hear me
just mention that he's blind?

God, for a mistress
of the secret society,

you're a fucking stupid whore.

You know, if this doesn't
work out, Mrs. Hanks,

-maybe you and--
-save your words, kosta,

a person like me would never
sleep with a troll like you.

No, no, no, no, no,

that's not what I was
talking about, my dear.

I was talking about
a teaching reference

for an elementary school,
you're 35 years too old for me.

I am 42.

Exactly.

Can I jerk off on your tits?

No!

I was talking to him.

I can pay you
in rubber penises.

-Absolutely.
-Nice.

The oakwood community can all
sleep a little easier now

thanks to three men,
that choose to only

be referred to
as the power triangle,

a young woman was rescued
from captivity.

The perpetrators,
oakwood high school principal,

Steven Hanks, and his wife,
psychologist, Monica Hanks,

are being held for questioning.

Once again,
it's seems as though
good has prevailed.

We'll be here bringing you
up to the date coverage

as soon as it
becomes available.

This is Sofia Briley
signing off for oakwood news,
channel three.

-Hey guys, you did it.
-No, we did it.

And now that I'm 18,
we're gonna do it.

That's my boy.

Hey, where's Ross?

Well, the busy buddy
couldn't make it.

He's too busy doing R&D
on a new lobster sandwich.

Hey, guys,
congratulations,
we did it.

Guys, I just gotta
say something,

if ajay wasn't gay,
I'd be dead right now,

and for that,
I'm forever grateful

to his homosexuality.

I've got a surprise for you.

Ajay, I have never been
more proud of you

than I am in this moment.

Thanks, dad.

I can't wait to gossip
with you and catch up

on the soap operas.

Anyway, listen, drinks
on the power triangle.

Cheers.

Hold on,
power triangle?

I don't have any money.

It's all right,
trust me,

I've got something
to show you guys.

Let's go check it out.

Come on.

Take a look.

This is amazing, Tyler,
thank you.

Can I redesign the interior?

Of course, it's yours.

All right, guys,
on the count to three

let's do a power triangle.

Let's do it.

-One, two--
-whoa, whoa, whoa, wait!

Always treat Jessica
like a Princess.

I will.

-Three--
-power triangle!

Hey, hey, hey.

-Hey.
-Hey, that's mine.

Shut up.

That's mine!
You can't take that!

-Knock it off.
-No, I fight back.

-Grab his legs.
-Got it.

Oh, this guy.

Good thing.

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