Original subtitles

Your Holiness.

Miss Stone, please, I would be eternally grateful

if during the course of our conversation

you avoided the uncrossing and re-crossing of your legs.

Sure.

What gift have you brought me?

I brought myself.

Isn't that enough?

It would have been had you only promised

to stay here for the rest of your life

...but I fear you will depart

and I will be left with no tangible memory of you.

Well, um...

Um...

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

I shall have those placed in a most special reliquary.

You have beautiful feet, however, they are rather large.

My only defect.

- Do you have any defects, Holy Father? - I am the defect.

I am defectus.

Defectus in Latin means "missing".

I've missed myself.

Do you know the cure for that? Family.

I find that children fill that void.

I'm sure you realise for me

that's not particularly practical advice.

Well, you could drop that soutane.

Hm...

By the way, I am very honoured to meet you, Your Holiness

and I haven't just come here out of some human curiosity.

- I do have a plea. - I am delighted to hear.

Gay marriage for Catholics.

When will this pointless taboo be eliminated?

When the Church has a brave, revolutionary, resolute Pope.

Qualities none of which I possess.

What a shame.

Even though homosexuality is not a sin

sexual acts outside of marriage are.

According to the Bible, sex is intended solely for procreation

therefore, between a man and a woman.

Can't the Bible be upgraded?

Alas, the Bible is not an iPhone.

Again, what a shame.

Not at all. Anything that can be upgraded, like an iPhone

eventually ends up in the bin, only to be replaced by a more expensive model.

The Bible has endured for a very long time

and its value has changed little, if at all.

- Because it can't be upgraded. - Exactly.

I suppose it's not even a matter of upgrading

it's more a matter of somehow bridging the enormous gap

between the sacred and the sinful.

Quite a long ladder is needed. The ladder of time.

By broaching this subject, you and I have already lessened that gap

a small step, granted, but a step nevertheless.

And this is supposed to make me feel better?

Yes, of course.

I read that you have an IQ of 154. A genius, practically.

There's nothing ordinary about you

and you geniuses know that life evolves in spite of us

in spite of lawyers and artisans

politicians and bricklayers, university professors...

geniuses... and popes.

- Could I have a glass of water? - Of course you may.

You may have a gin and tonic, if you like.

It's a little early for a gin and tonic.

It's never too early for a gin and tonic.

Cheers.

Allow me, if I may...

to take advantage of your intellect for some moments longer.

Apart from allowing people of the same sex to marry

what would you suggest the Catholic Church could do

in order to make itself more eloquent?

Well...

In the end...

what will remain of you...

besides a load of magnificent art

commissioned by you in the Renaissance period from all of the greatest artists?

There are great artists now.

But you ignore them.

So life passes, art remains.

Well, art passes too, but...

a little more slowly because art is more cunning.

Hm...

Holy Father, my adductor longus is falling asleep.

May I cross my legs the other way?

One moment, if you would.

Now you may.

Uh... done.

There, you see?

We did it. Once again, hale fellows, we made the sacrifice.

Do not despair.

Some day we will all come to appreciate the beauty of sacrifice.

Though not today.

♪ When I said it out loud it wasn't as strong as it was in my head ♪

♪ I tried not to think about it, so it came back louder ♪

♪ I think it's been about a year since I became a snob ♪

♪ Decided not to play along, so it grew bigger ♪

♪ Me and my head have become very, very, very close ♪

♪ We decided not to tell you, to tell you about it ♪

♪ We're just gonna play it safe Do what we know ♪

♪ Play it cool, lay it low Not tell you about it ♪

♪ And here I am playing by myself ♪

♪ Me and my superiority complex ♪

♪ And here I am playing by myself ♪

♪ Me and my inferiority contest ♪

♪ I'm not winning, but I'm having a very good time ♪

♪ You can call me ♪

♪ You can call me ♪

♪ You can call me the good time girl ♪

♪ When I said it out loud, it didn't sound as good ♪

♪ I couldn't be as proud as my original thought ♪

♪ I'm not trying to whisper what should be bought ♪

♪ But I can't imagine being out of control ♪

♪ I knocked off the top, my head and I ♪

♪ When I'm all alone but I'm in my prime ♪

♪ Don't want the throne when I'm doing just fine ♪

♪ Just as long as I'm having a real good time ♪

♪ You can call me ♪

♪ You can call me ♪

♪ You can call me the good time girl ♪

So?

- What is the Pope gonna do? - I don't know.

- And you, how are you, Voiello? - Nervous.

That's not new, is it?

This caliph is keeping me up at night.

Whatever you decide, my one word of advice is: prudence.

The only principle unscrupulous men

like ourselves must always adhere to is

if you don't have proof, you don't have proof.

- I need some air. - Seriously, Voiello...

Now, when you can finally breathe easy.

Up until yesterday, thanks to your excessive sexual exploits

you were the quintessential culprits

but now after that despicable attack in Lourdes, you have become victims.

The wind is shifting, my friend.

You better fan it.

- I hadn't thought of that. - Oh, that's why I'm here.

I think of everything, speaking of which...

a mean old bird keeps squawking

about a Spalletta-Tomas Altbruck alliance.

It is not a mean old bird.

It is a splendid sparrow.

I suspected that was you.

I need to know what's behind it.

How about that typical human weakness also known as greed?

- They are going to crash and burn. - So let them.

Let them because afterwards you'll be back again, stronger than ever.

I can't let the Pope crash and burn.

- The Pope can't be compromised. - You asking for my help?

Not yet.

How's the movie?

- What are you going to do? - One word comes to mind.

To mine too, one to be avoided at all costs...

Islamic.

That's not the word I was thinking of.

If you found the right word in Lourdes

it would be a giant leap forward for your papacy.

A leap that would make your authoritativeness unstoppable.

I have great faith in you.

That is the private number to my apartment.

Only Danny has it. Danny, and now you.

Phone, if you like.

Whenever you want.

Did you appoint my husband head of the financial organisation

because you have faith in me?

No.

So, why him of all people?

Nietzsche said that the Christians' decisions

see the world as ugly and evil

has made the world ugly and evil.

We shall go to Lourdes.

I will speak and old Nietzsche will have to change his mind.

Mascara?

No.

No.

No.

No...

No!

No!

No!

No!

- No! - No!

- No! - No!

- No! - No!

- No! - No!

- No! - No!

- No! - No!

- No! - No!

♪ Hey, man ♪

♪ I really need you back again ♪

♪ The years are plenty ♪

♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ I have a watercolour you did ♪

♪ I saw you walking on the sand ♪

♪ In Thailand ♪

♪ I used to watch you from the van ♪

♪ It was your band ♪

♪ Don't let us bully you, baby ♪

♪ Got problems of the heart ♪

Adam?

Adam!

Adam!

- Come on, let's go for a ride! - I can't, I'm writing.

You'll be sorry.

♪ A few of your letters came from Limoges ♪

♪ She's gonna struggle day to day ♪

♪ But she deserves a place ♪

♪ You and walking in the sand ♪

♪ And you're the perfect man ♪

♪ You're the perfect man ♪

♪ You're the perfect blend ♪

Holy Father...

the press is positively enthusiastic about your "no".

Even the usual fault finders

days later, continue to praise your greatness.

Take a look at this.

What do you think, Voiello?

A spiritual and human synthesis

that has touched people's hearts.

The media value is irrefutable.

So, in other words, no actual value. Is that what you mean to say?

- To be brutally honest... - You are always brutal, Voiello.

To be brutally honest, Holy Father

after that "no", it is quite reasonable to expect

that thought would translate into action.

So, what is it you would have me do?

Rally a papal army and march it off to battle Islamic terrorism?

He's even more brutal than you.

Of course not, there are intermediary measures.

Measures that would weaken the success of that "no".

I agree that "no" is a moral declaration of the greatest significance.

The Pope produces symbols

the vulgar act of explanation must fall to others.

So, Voiello, you seem to be in the minority

but that does not mean you're wrong.

I have been in the minority all my life, Your Holiness.

In fact, I belong to such a small minority

that I am the only member.

I will articulate my thinking during the interview with Emory Kitsworth.

Lourdes was not the place for that.

What was needed there was a spectacular emotional expression.

However, if it makes you happier

to refer to it as a slogan, go ahead.

Exactly.

When would you like to do the interview, Holy Father?

Kitsworth is quivering in anticipation.

I'm not ready yet, but I will let you know soon.

Of course, I must be fully prepared, so as not to disappoint Voiello.

Where are you going?

To an informal meeting.

- Sounds sordid. - It is.

♪ I remember London ♪

♪ I remember the bells ♪

♪ From across the chambermaid's corridors ♪

♪ It was like they was ringing by themselves ♪

♪ I see no river of whiskey ♪

♪ Is there sugar in your bowl? ♪

♪ Ain't seen you for days now ♪

♪ Still find your hair on my clothes ♪

♪ Across the tracks to Saint-Henri ♪

♪ Will I come back on my own? ♪

I can't.

Why not?

Because I can't anymore.

♪ Ain't that the way to treat somebody ♪

♪ Or for you to treat yourself ♪

♪ There's no more cane along the Braxos ♪

♪ No more books upon your shelf ♪

♪ If I don't see you in Tallahassee ♪

♪ Am I gonna see you at the Troubadour? ♪

♪ If I don't see you, in Tallahassee ♪

I have news.

I think I'm pregnant.

♪ Four and twenty years now ♪

♪ Add one more for good luck ♪

♪ Won't you wear that bamboo dress, baby ♪

♪ When you come to pick me up? ♪

♪ If I don't see you in Tallahassee ♪

♪ Am I gonna see you at the Troubadour? ♪

♪ If I don't see you in Tallahassee ♪

♪ Am I gonna see you at the Troubadour? ♪

Here I am.

I was about to hang up, I didn't think you were going to answer.

I wanted you to believe your call

wasn't important to me.

And instead have you been waiting for me to call?

My whole life.

What are you doing this evening?

Don't misunderstand me.

A highly unusual choice for a first date, Holy Father.

The catacombs are the closest thing to a nightclub

a priest has.

So, are we looking for the bar now?

Not exactly.

The tomb of Francis II.

I thought it appropriate I pay him a visit as well.

- Shall we pray? - Yes.

Do you also find Francis II's death

mysterious and inexplicable?

No, I believe the official line, cardiac arrest.

You know, you may be the only one who does.

I know.

I also know that the usual rumours are circulating about Voiello.

Yet you pay them no heed.

No, I don't.

For years Voiello has been the scapegoat for everything here in the Vatican.

And you admire Voiello...

We work well together.

We're both good chess players

even though we have never seen a chess board in our lives.

Are there conspiracies about me?

Not as far as I know.

Only persistent questions which are the premise for a great deal of gossip.

Do tell.

People are asking, "Is this Pope porcelain or steel?"

Why not something in between? Fiberglass.

And then there is that eternal refrain.

Which is?

Is he gay or straight?

- Now I'll tell you a bit of gossip. - Wow! Please do.

In the conclave, Lenny Belardo received one vote.

I know that. It's all anyone has been talking about for days.

But what you do not know is who cast that vote.

No, no one ever figured it out.

That was my vote.

Why?

Because God does not like me.

Do you know why I became a priest?

No.

Because religion is a narrative

a story that is told, an incredibly successful story

seeing that God is the most popular protagonist in history.

I would never have been satisfied

devoting my life to minor narratives

as are found in literature, film, music...

Those, at best, can only be enjoyable pastimes.

And what is it that interests you most in the religious narrative?

The incessant inquiry into the greatest mystery of all

the nature of man.

Hence the clergy's incessant question

gay or straight?

I shall only say that I was a punk when I was young.

That seems to me far more interesting.

We have to set a date for that interview.

I know now what I want to say to Kitsworth.

If I'm not being indiscreet, could I at least ask you

what subject you would discuss with Kitsworth?

That man cannot be changed, but he can be diverted.

I'm not really all that sure, Your Holiness, what the subject would be.

Paedophilia among the clergy and all the sexual abuse

that is the issue that matters most to me.

For if we forgive them, they will do it again

and if we punish them, we are not practicing Christian charity.

- But is there another way? - There is always another way.

And I believe I was called to the papacy to chart it.

Sick loves cannot be treated, Sofia.

You can treat cancer, but not love.

One possibility, then, is to shift the object of love.

How do you do that?

Tell me.

During the interview

I'm going to make an extraordinary overture.

I intend to state that I am in favour

of marriage for priests, both gay and straight.

We have to legitimise "possible" love

so as to divert people from "aberrant" love

which is a form of violence.

I am not so naive

as to think that this is the solution, but...

as a way of limiting the damage, it could well work.

Holy Father, you're proposing to upgrade the Bible

as if it were an iPhone.

You're an intelligent and tireless worker, Sofia.

Could you not come up with a more suitable metaphor, please?

I will.

An announcement of this sort is a giant leap.

A small step, and hopefully...

less tears in the great ocean of human history.

This will be a bomb, a genuine bomb.

No... this is the middle way.

It's 1,100 euro.

100 for Don Mario and 1,000 for Attanasio.

And now a word to our listeners.

We at Radio 103

have decided to alter our programming.

As of today, no more music, no more entertainment

we will be broadcasting one thing only

Pope Pius XIII's breathing...

live from the intensive care unit

of San Giovanni e Paolo Hospital in Venice.

And this is the fact that no doctor is able to explain

after 415 breaths, the Pope let out a sigh.

Then 414 breaths, followed by another sigh.

So now, we're expecting 413 breaths and then a sigh.

What does it all mean?

He has come back!

Pius XIII is back!

Turn off that radio, please.

All this fanfare over Lenny Belardo's breathing

has made quite an impression on the masses.

An increase in the idolatry of Pius XIII will be immediate.

Your Holiness, that interview with Kitsworth

is indispensable to refocus attention on you.

Not yet.

How many breaths now before he gives a sigh?

♪ When the dark and day meet ♪

♪ In the image of stars ♪

♪ Is where we're gonna find out who we are ♪

♪ Night is an illusion ♪

♪ At this time of day ♪

♪ The smudges of figures ♪

♪ And mistakes we've made ♪

♪ Captures the moment ♪

♪ Just caught in time ♪

♪ Where dark and day meet in the image of the stars ♪

♪ It's the slip of time in the perfect light ♪

♪ When the sun cascades into the night ♪

♪ It's a moment of distraction ♪

♪ When we become alive ♪

♪ We're running, night running ♪

♪ Straighter than an arrow ♪

♪ Taken by a chance from a bow ♪

♪ We're running, night running ♪

♪ Faster than our shadows ♪

♪ Going where we wanna go ♪

♪ When the dark and day meet in the image of stars ♪

♪ Is where we're gonna find out who we are ♪