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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,174 --> 00:00:04,004 WOMAN: Previously on Mad About You... 2 00:00:04,452 --> 00:00:06,661 I was just thinking, and no implication here, 3 00:00:06,661 --> 00:00:09,250 but I was gonna leave, so, do you wanna maybe split a cab? 4 00:00:09,250 --> 00:00:11,701 Actually, I thought I'd take a walk. 5 00:00:11,701 --> 00:00:14,048 Oh, okay. Do you want to split a walk? 6 00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:15,325 What the hell's the matter with you? 7 00:00:15,325 --> 00:00:17,051 I know. I don't know what's going on. 8 00:00:17,051 --> 00:00:20,296 I mean. I-- I-- I really wanted to... go with her. 9 00:00:20,296 --> 00:00:22,125 Jamie and I aren't doing so great right now. 10 00:00:28,269 --> 00:00:29,719 We have to talk. 11 00:00:29,719 --> 00:00:31,169 We took a walk around the block. 12 00:00:32,101 --> 00:00:34,586 She got into a cab, and I... came home. 13 00:00:36,588 --> 00:00:38,141 But it wasn't just a walk. 14 00:00:38,659 --> 00:00:40,557 I kissed Doug Berkus. 15 00:00:40,557 --> 00:00:42,283 I gotta get out of here. 16 00:00:42,283 --> 00:00:44,251 I can't really be here right now. 17 00:00:44,251 --> 00:00:45,942 -Where are you going? -I don't know where. 18 00:00:45,942 --> 00:00:47,426 -Are you coming back? -I don't know. 19 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,463 -Shouldn't we talk about this? -No. 20 00:00:49,463 --> 00:00:52,052 I can't talk about this now. I can't talk. 21 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,777 Okay, wait, just wait. 22 00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:56,159 What's gonna happen now? 23 00:00:56,159 --> 00:00:57,954 -What happens now? -I don't know, I don't know. 24 00:00:59,818 --> 00:01:00,991 I'm-- I'm... 25 00:01:02,545 --> 00:01:03,615 I don't know. 26 00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:15,247 [KNOCKING] 27 00:01:15,247 --> 00:01:17,007 Come in. It's open. 28 00:01:17,387 --> 00:01:18,699 Li-- 29 00:01:18,699 --> 00:01:20,321 Hi, Jamie. We're playing twister? 30 00:01:20,321 --> 00:01:21,598 You wanna play? 31 00:01:21,598 --> 00:01:22,979 Twister? No, thanks. 32 00:01:25,050 --> 00:01:26,465 -Hi. -How about a three-way game 33 00:01:26,465 --> 00:01:27,949 -of chutes and ladders? -Maybe later. 34 00:01:27,949 --> 00:01:29,089 I'll go set it up. 35 00:01:31,850 --> 00:01:33,610 Lisa, help. 36 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,061 -What's the matter? -I'm in trouble. 37 00:01:36,061 --> 00:01:38,891 -What's up? -I kissed Doug Berkus. 38 00:01:40,410 --> 00:01:42,550 That guy from the office? He's so cute. 39 00:01:44,483 --> 00:01:46,071 Okay, really not the point. 40 00:01:46,554 --> 00:01:47,797 I know. 41 00:01:47,797 --> 00:01:49,385 I may have just screwed up 42 00:01:49,385 --> 00:01:51,456 what should have been a very nice little life. 43 00:01:51,973 --> 00:01:54,804 -Come on. He'll get over it. -Mine. My life. My life. 44 00:01:54,804 --> 00:01:57,289 All right. All right. It's not the end of the world. 45 00:01:57,876 --> 00:01:58,946 Come on. 46 00:02:00,361 --> 00:02:01,742 You didn't... 47 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:05,125 -No. God. Of course not. -All right. All right. 48 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,196 So you know, you'll feel bad for a little bit. 49 00:02:07,196 --> 00:02:08,645 You'll get over it. Life goes on. 50 00:02:08,645 --> 00:02:09,784 Paul left. 51 00:02:11,096 --> 00:02:13,305 -What do you mean he left? -I told him what happened. 52 00:02:13,305 --> 00:02:14,582 He got upset and he left. 53 00:02:14,582 --> 00:02:16,239 And I couldn't stay in the house alone, 54 00:02:16,239 --> 00:02:17,896 and frankly, I don't know what to do. 55 00:02:17,896 --> 00:02:18,966 What do I do? 56 00:02:21,624 --> 00:02:23,108 -You're asking me? -Yes. 57 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,286 Cool. 58 00:02:28,286 --> 00:02:30,391 [PHONE RINGING] 59 00:02:30,391 --> 00:02:32,428 -Yeah? -Okay. Is he with you? 60 00:02:32,428 --> 00:02:33,808 Yeah. Is she with you? 61 00:02:33,808 --> 00:02:34,913 Uh-huh. 62 00:02:34,913 --> 00:02:36,639 -You believe this? -LISA: Nope. 63 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:38,986 Listen. You put her on and I'll put him on. 64 00:02:41,264 --> 00:02:42,714 She doesn't want to talk to him. 65 00:02:42,714 --> 00:02:44,474 She said she doesn't want to talk to you. 66 00:02:45,026 --> 00:02:46,580 She doesn't want to talk to me? 67 00:02:46,580 --> 00:02:49,824 No, no, no. I don't want to talk to her. 68 00:02:51,032 --> 00:02:52,724 Well, he doesn't want to talk to her. 69 00:02:52,724 --> 00:02:54,657 -Very mature. -What? 70 00:02:54,657 --> 00:02:57,142 He says it's not that you that don't wanna talk to him. 71 00:02:57,142 --> 00:02:58,868 It's that he doesn't want to talk to you. 72 00:02:58,868 --> 00:03:00,697 -Very mature. -Told you. 73 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:02,699 They said you're very mature. 74 00:03:03,873 --> 00:03:06,255 Very mature sarcastic, or very mature sincere? 75 00:03:07,532 --> 00:03:09,292 I'd have to guess sarcastic. 76 00:03:12,330 --> 00:03:14,159 It's not that I don't wanna talk to him. 77 00:03:14,159 --> 00:03:15,436 It's that I don't feel comfortable 78 00:03:15,436 --> 00:03:16,851 talking to him right now. Hm? 79 00:03:16,851 --> 00:03:18,370 -What? -What? 80 00:03:18,370 --> 00:03:20,510 -Never mind. I don't know. -Never mind. She doesn't know. 81 00:03:20,510 --> 00:03:21,511 She doesn't know. 82 00:03:21,856 --> 00:03:23,375 She doesn't know hopeless, 83 00:03:23,375 --> 00:03:24,721 or she doesn't know, like, ambivalent? 84 00:03:25,653 --> 00:03:27,241 Will you just please get on the phone. 85 00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:29,036 -No, no. -LISA: What did he say? 86 00:03:29,036 --> 00:03:30,624 -Hold on a second. -Hold on a second. 87 00:03:30,624 --> 00:03:32,108 I got nothing to say to her. 88 00:03:32,108 --> 00:03:33,627 He's got nothing to say to her. 89 00:03:33,627 --> 00:03:36,181 -He has nothing to say to you. -He has nothing to say to me? 90 00:03:36,181 --> 00:03:38,425 -I mean, what is there to say? -I mean, what is there to say? 91 00:03:38,425 --> 00:03:39,460 A, I don't think 92 00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:40,979 she shouldn't be talking to anybody right now. 93 00:03:40,979 --> 00:03:43,084 A, he don't think she should be talking at all. 94 00:03:43,084 --> 00:03:45,121 She should be looking inside her own soul... 95 00:03:45,121 --> 00:03:46,743 -...look inside her own soul... -...for some answers... 96 00:03:46,743 --> 00:03:48,331 -...to very sticky questions... -...to very sticky questions... 97 00:03:48,331 --> 00:03:51,092 ...about the definition of marriage and propriety 98 00:03:51,092 --> 00:03:53,474 and the consequences of actions that people take in their lives 99 00:03:53,474 --> 00:03:55,131 and the ramifications thereof. 100 00:03:55,131 --> 00:03:56,477 Answers to all kinds of stuff. 101 00:03:58,065 --> 00:03:59,480 -And 2... -And deux... 102 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:02,172 ...in a larger sense... I mean, what kind of person is she? 103 00:04:02,172 --> 00:04:03,415 -What kind of person is she? -I mean, 104 00:04:03,415 --> 00:04:04,796 who is this woman that I thought I knew... 105 00:04:04,796 --> 00:04:06,246 Who is this woman that he thought he knew. 106 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:07,695 -...who made a mockery... -Who has made a mockery... 107 00:04:07,695 --> 00:04:09,041 ...of everything that I held sacred? 108 00:04:09,041 --> 00:04:10,250 ...of everything that he held sacred? 109 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,941 And when we made our sacred marriage vows... 110 00:04:11,941 --> 00:04:13,529 ...and when we made our sacred marriage vows... 111 00:04:13,529 --> 00:04:15,185 -...for better or for worse... -...for better or for worse. 112 00:04:15,185 --> 00:04:17,395 -...for sickness or for poorer, -In poorness and in death. 113 00:04:17,395 --> 00:04:18,982 I don't-- don't recall anybody making mention... 114 00:04:18,982 --> 00:04:20,294 He doesn't recall nothing whatsoever... 115 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:22,054 ...of the bride kissing Douglas Berkus. 116 00:04:22,054 --> 00:04:23,711 ...about the bride kissing this clown, Berkus. 117 00:04:23,711 --> 00:04:24,781 And I'll tell you, 118 00:04:25,782 --> 00:04:27,819 the nerve, the unmitigated gall 119 00:04:27,819 --> 00:04:29,821 of her tearing apart the fabric of this union 120 00:04:29,821 --> 00:04:31,374 out of personal weakness 121 00:04:31,823 --> 00:04:33,963 leaves any thinking, feeling human being 122 00:04:33,963 --> 00:04:35,275 with a pit in their stomach. 123 00:04:36,931 --> 00:04:38,864 And tell her I want my dog back. 124 00:04:40,003 --> 00:04:42,351 You tell him that people who live in glass houses 125 00:04:42,351 --> 00:04:43,628 should not throw stones, 126 00:04:43,628 --> 00:04:46,147 that none of us is so perfect we may judge our neighbor 127 00:04:46,147 --> 00:04:48,011 and until he's walked a mile in my shoes, 128 00:04:48,011 --> 00:04:49,047 he has not walked. 129 00:04:50,497 --> 00:04:51,636 Boy, are you in trouble. 130 00:04:53,914 --> 00:04:55,847 And tell him if he stops by the apartment 131 00:04:55,847 --> 00:04:57,469 to water the plants. And also tell him 132 00:04:57,469 --> 00:04:59,091 I left a frozen chicken on the counter. 133 00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:01,024 And tell him if he wants to pick up Murray, 134 00:05:01,024 --> 00:05:02,888 he can come by my office and get him tomorrow 135 00:05:02,888 --> 00:05:04,096 before his job interview. 136 00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:05,857 And tell him... goodbye. 137 00:05:07,859 --> 00:05:08,860 Did you hear that? 138 00:05:09,378 --> 00:05:10,517 Did you hear that? 139 00:05:11,587 --> 00:05:12,622 Just tell her goodbye. 140 00:05:13,485 --> 00:05:14,486 Goodbye. 141 00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:21,493 So this is Murray. 142 00:05:21,493 --> 00:05:22,667 Yes. 143 00:05:22,667 --> 00:05:25,186 Murray, Doug. Doug, Murray. 144 00:05:25,186 --> 00:05:26,429 Hi, Murray. 145 00:05:26,429 --> 00:05:27,741 [ELEVATOR DINGS] 146 00:05:27,741 --> 00:05:28,880 Listen, Jamie, I... 147 00:05:30,468 --> 00:05:32,297 Hey, can we wait for the next one? 148 00:05:32,297 --> 00:05:33,747 Is that all right? 149 00:05:33,747 --> 00:05:35,404 -Fourth floor, please. -Okay 150 00:05:37,233 --> 00:05:38,372 Um... 151 00:05:38,993 --> 00:05:40,201 -About yesterday-- -Doug-- 152 00:05:40,201 --> 00:05:42,859 No, I-- I... didn't sleep at all last night. 153 00:05:43,481 --> 00:05:45,275 Well, that makes 17 of us. 154 00:05:46,449 --> 00:05:47,864 Look, this thing that happened... 155 00:05:47,864 --> 00:05:49,487 -Doug-- -No, I just can't-- 156 00:05:49,487 --> 00:05:51,730 Please just let me say this, okay? 157 00:05:52,938 --> 00:05:55,872 Uh... I thought in the back of my crazy head 158 00:05:55,872 --> 00:05:57,771 that you wanted me to... 159 00:05:59,048 --> 00:06:01,637 Now, obviously, you didn't, but I didn't know that. 160 00:06:01,637 --> 00:06:03,086 And if I had never tried, 161 00:06:03,086 --> 00:06:04,812 I would never have forgiven myself, Jamie. 162 00:06:04,812 --> 00:06:06,952 -Doug-- -No, and I'm really, 163 00:06:06,952 --> 00:06:10,300 I'm very embarrassed about this, but... 164 00:06:11,025 --> 00:06:12,717 Please know that this will never, 165 00:06:12,717 --> 00:06:14,788 -ever happen again. -No, I-- I know. 166 00:06:16,134 --> 00:06:18,757 I'm really... Awfully fond of you, Jamie. 167 00:06:19,309 --> 00:06:20,345 I know that. 168 00:06:20,966 --> 00:06:23,244 And maybe in another life... 169 00:06:23,624 --> 00:06:24,867 [ELEVATOR DINGS] 170 00:06:31,460 --> 00:06:33,151 If I thought that we couldn't be friends, 171 00:06:33,151 --> 00:06:34,497 I would really hate that, Jamie, 172 00:06:34,497 --> 00:06:37,189 so maybe we could just pretend that this never happened-- 173 00:06:37,189 --> 00:06:39,468 -I already told Paul. -What? 174 00:06:39,882 --> 00:06:42,263 -I told Paul about it. -Why? 175 00:06:42,712 --> 00:06:45,128 -Because I did. -Oh, great. 176 00:06:45,128 --> 00:06:46,440 I swear the stairs are faster. 177 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,960 -I bet he wants to kill me. -He doesn't wanna kill you. 178 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,341 Well, I hope that you can just tell him that I-- 179 00:06:51,341 --> 00:06:52,653 Hold it. Hold. Hold. 180 00:06:53,965 --> 00:06:54,966 Hi. 181 00:06:55,622 --> 00:06:56,726 Hi. 182 00:07:02,767 --> 00:07:03,940 -Hi. -Hi. 183 00:07:09,256 --> 00:07:10,568 Well... 184 00:07:11,672 --> 00:07:13,467 can anybody think of anything more awkward? 185 00:07:14,606 --> 00:07:15,676 Honey. 186 00:07:16,815 --> 00:07:18,023 Oh, me? 187 00:07:18,886 --> 00:07:20,198 Yes, you. 188 00:07:20,198 --> 00:07:21,544 Because I wasn't sure. 189 00:07:23,857 --> 00:07:25,375 Listen, I think it's-- 190 00:07:25,375 --> 00:07:26,687 [ELEVATOR GRINDS] 191 00:07:27,377 --> 00:07:28,931 You know what? I really don't think 192 00:07:28,931 --> 00:07:30,519 you should say anything just now. 193 00:07:30,519 --> 00:07:31,968 -Okay, if I-- -And I'm really, 194 00:07:31,968 --> 00:07:33,211 really sure about that for you. 195 00:07:34,937 --> 00:07:36,525 Okay, I don't know what's going on 196 00:07:36,525 --> 00:07:37,698 between the two of you. 197 00:07:37,698 --> 00:07:39,424 I think that's pretty obvious. 198 00:07:39,424 --> 00:07:40,908 There's nothing going on. 199 00:07:41,737 --> 00:07:43,186 I really wouldn't call it nothing. 200 00:07:43,186 --> 00:07:45,603 No, no, I swear to you, there is nothing going on. 201 00:07:47,570 --> 00:07:49,020 Look how nice you both get along. 202 00:07:49,020 --> 00:07:50,780 [ELEVATOR ALARM RINGS] 203 00:07:50,780 --> 00:07:54,197 Honey, the security guys come if the elevator isn't-- 204 00:07:57,407 --> 00:07:58,685 [JAMIE SIGHS] 205 00:08:01,170 --> 00:08:02,274 [ELEVATOR DINGS] 206 00:08:05,899 --> 00:08:08,246 Do you want to come in and talk for a minute? 207 00:08:08,246 --> 00:08:09,350 No. It's okay. 208 00:08:09,350 --> 00:08:11,352 I just want to talk to Doug for a second. 209 00:08:12,146 --> 00:08:13,354 What are you doing? 210 00:08:14,355 --> 00:08:15,667 I'm just gonna talk to Doug. 211 00:08:35,066 --> 00:08:36,757 -You married? -No. 212 00:08:37,655 --> 00:08:39,657 -Ever been married? -No. 213 00:08:40,381 --> 00:08:41,417 Hmm. 214 00:08:41,935 --> 00:08:43,833 But I know that it is not easy to... 215 00:08:43,833 --> 00:08:44,903 Really? 216 00:08:48,148 --> 00:08:50,495 Yes. And I want to say, Paul, that I'm-- 217 00:08:50,495 --> 00:08:51,565 [ELEVATOR GRINDS] 218 00:08:52,393 --> 00:08:56,052 Listen, I know that whatever is wrong, 219 00:08:56,052 --> 00:08:58,123 whatever's going on with Jamie and me, 220 00:08:58,123 --> 00:09:00,022 that is our problem. We will fix it. 221 00:09:00,022 --> 00:09:01,610 That's got nothing to do with you. 222 00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:06,442 It was wrong, and I apologize to both of you. 223 00:09:06,442 --> 00:09:08,582 -That's very sweet. -I mean that, Paul. 224 00:09:09,790 --> 00:09:12,241 I understand. That's awfully civilized. 225 00:09:12,241 --> 00:09:14,554 At the same time, I have to say to you, 226 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:17,936 and I mean this with nothing but respect for you 227 00:09:17,936 --> 00:09:19,144 as a professional. 228 00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:23,493 If you ever touch my wife again... 229 00:09:23,942 --> 00:09:25,150 I won't. 230 00:09:25,150 --> 00:09:26,358 -I promise. -[ALARM RINGS] 231 00:09:32,088 --> 00:09:33,434 -[ALARM STOPS] -[ELEVATORS CONTINUES] 232 00:09:41,166 --> 00:09:42,789 Did you think I was gonna hit you? 233 00:09:43,928 --> 00:09:45,136 Yeah, I did. 234 00:09:47,828 --> 00:09:48,967 Good. 235 00:09:55,249 --> 00:09:57,666 MARK: Best thing for that, cold beer and some karaoke. 236 00:09:59,115 --> 00:10:00,772 Mark, you should see this guy. 237 00:10:00,772 --> 00:10:02,774 He's sleeping on my couch three in the morning 238 00:10:02,774 --> 00:10:04,880 watching Flipper in his underwear and crying. 239 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:06,882 [LAUGHING] 240 00:10:06,882 --> 00:10:09,229 That's funny. Excuse me for having emotions. 241 00:10:09,229 --> 00:10:11,611 You guys ever have a marriage that just fell to crap? 242 00:10:12,232 --> 00:10:13,336 -Yes. -Yeah. 243 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,374 -All right, then. So shut up. -All right. 244 00:10:16,374 --> 00:10:18,790 What would you like us to do to make you feel better? 245 00:10:19,895 --> 00:10:21,275 You know what would I like? 246 00:10:21,275 --> 00:10:23,105 I would really like to punch somebody. 247 00:10:23,105 --> 00:10:24,451 Who Berkus? 248 00:10:24,451 --> 00:10:26,315 -For starters, yeah. -You should have. 249 00:10:26,764 --> 00:10:27,903 Want to hit me? 250 00:10:28,317 --> 00:10:29,974 Hit you, why? What did you do? 251 00:10:29,974 --> 00:10:31,838 Nothing. It's just a release. You'll feel better. 252 00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,082 You would let me hit you? 253 00:10:35,082 --> 00:10:36,877 Sure. If it would make you feel better. 254 00:10:36,877 --> 00:10:38,879 -Thank you. -You want to? 255 00:10:38,879 --> 00:10:40,156 Nah. Maybe later. 256 00:10:40,156 --> 00:10:41,502 Come on, now. Do it now. 257 00:10:43,194 --> 00:10:44,540 -Really? -Yeah. Go ahead. 258 00:10:44,540 --> 00:10:45,748 Go ahead. 259 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,028 Come on. That's not a hit. 260 00:10:50,028 --> 00:10:51,512 Paulie, that's not a hit. 261 00:10:51,512 --> 00:10:53,238 -That's a hit. -There you go. 262 00:10:53,238 --> 00:10:54,757 -It hurts! -What are you doing? 263 00:10:54,757 --> 00:10:56,276 -Me. What about me? -Yeah, all right. 264 00:10:56,276 --> 00:10:58,727 Yeah. Okay, there. Now... 265 00:10:58,727 --> 00:11:00,763 -Now we feel better? -Not one ounce. 266 00:11:01,868 --> 00:11:04,387 You know what would I like? I wanna be like my wife. 267 00:11:04,387 --> 00:11:05,734 I'd like to kiss somebody. 268 00:11:05,734 --> 00:11:06,804 Want to kiss me? 269 00:11:08,564 --> 00:11:10,428 -You would let me kiss you? -Sure. 270 00:11:10,428 --> 00:11:12,016 -I don't wanna kiss you. -Come on. 271 00:11:12,016 --> 00:11:13,396 Maybe it'll make you feel better. 272 00:11:13,396 --> 00:11:15,295 Understand, that has zero appeal to me. 273 00:11:15,295 --> 00:11:16,365 I understand. 274 00:11:16,917 --> 00:11:18,091 -Maybe later? -Maybe later. 275 00:11:20,334 --> 00:11:22,129 Okay, all right. See right there. 276 00:11:22,129 --> 00:11:23,268 That's a perfect example 277 00:11:23,268 --> 00:11:25,063 of somebody that I would like to kiss. 278 00:11:25,063 --> 00:11:26,616 Well, you know, I hate to nitpick, 279 00:11:26,616 --> 00:11:27,859 but, you know, kissing somebody 280 00:11:27,859 --> 00:11:30,241 -wouldn't make you even. -Why not? 281 00:11:30,241 --> 00:11:31,967 Because James didn't kiss somebody. 282 00:11:31,967 --> 00:11:34,555 -Somebody kissed her. -It's true. The man has a point. 283 00:11:34,555 --> 00:11:36,661 -So? -So technically, 284 00:11:36,661 --> 00:11:37,938 somebody would have to kiss you. 285 00:11:39,112 --> 00:11:41,701 Yeah. Then I could like take about half an hour 286 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,668 to push them away, pretend I didn't enjoy it. 287 00:11:43,668 --> 00:11:46,084 Hey, hey, come on. Come on. Let's be fair to Jamie. 288 00:11:46,084 --> 00:11:48,328 This was a one-time thing, an isolated incident. 289 00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:50,744 You know, in Europe, this happens all the time. 290 00:11:54,334 --> 00:11:56,336 -Where? -In Europe. 291 00:11:56,336 --> 00:11:58,062 -Where in Europe? -Wherever you want 292 00:11:58,062 --> 00:11:59,063 Italy, France. 293 00:11:59,891 --> 00:12:02,135 You don't think in France this is happening every day? 294 00:12:02,135 --> 00:12:03,653 Oh. The French don't care. 295 00:12:03,653 --> 00:12:05,725 IRA: That's right. It happens all the time, 296 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,519 Every day, every minute. What? 297 00:12:08,141 --> 00:12:09,280 Bingo. Just happened. 298 00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:13,871 A guy in Marseille just grabbed another guy's wife 299 00:12:13,871 --> 00:12:15,113 right in the croissant. 300 00:12:16,011 --> 00:12:17,702 All right. So, why can't I do that? 301 00:12:17,702 --> 00:12:19,739 Because that's not you. These people are French. 302 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:20,740 Don't you understand? 303 00:12:22,293 --> 00:12:23,812 All right. What about her? 304 00:12:23,812 --> 00:12:25,261 -What about her? -What about her? 305 00:12:25,261 --> 00:12:26,953 See. I don't even know what to do. 306 00:12:26,953 --> 00:12:29,162 What if she kissed me out of her own goodwill? 307 00:12:29,162 --> 00:12:30,646 Well, you'd be one lucky man. 308 00:12:32,165 --> 00:12:34,892 -Here you go. -Here you go, sweetheart. 309 00:12:36,169 --> 00:12:38,274 -What-- What is your name? -Sandra. 310 00:12:38,274 --> 00:12:39,620 Sandra, Sandra, do you know 311 00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:41,243 that it happens to be my birthday today? 312 00:12:41,657 --> 00:12:43,486 -Oh. Is it really? -Yep. 313 00:12:45,178 --> 00:12:46,489 Well, happy birthday. 314 00:12:51,149 --> 00:12:52,564 So, I took a shot there. 315 00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:54,774 Now, Paulie, don't make us drag you out here. 316 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,361 You think you're the first couple 317 00:12:56,361 --> 00:12:57,811 -to go through this? -I know. 318 00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:00,055 Look, look, Fran and I were just married. All right? 319 00:13:00,503 --> 00:13:02,126 There's this guy in Fran's office. 320 00:13:02,126 --> 00:13:04,059 He keeps calling her and calling-- 321 00:13:04,645 --> 00:13:07,062 No, I'm sorry. No, that wasn't Fran. 322 00:13:07,062 --> 00:13:08,511 That was another couple. The Kopecks. 323 00:13:08,511 --> 00:13:10,651 They're friends of ours. But-- Fran told me-- 324 00:13:10,651 --> 00:13:12,343 It's funny it sticks in your mind but-- 325 00:13:12,343 --> 00:13:14,000 You understand what I'm trying to tell you? 326 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,622 Work things through. It gets better. 327 00:13:15,622 --> 00:13:16,968 Mark, look, 328 00:13:16,968 --> 00:13:18,728 you're gonna depress the boy. All right? 329 00:13:18,728 --> 00:13:20,938 ANNOUNCER: Whoever were Hank Williams, your song is up. 330 00:13:20,938 --> 00:13:23,112 Here we go. It's our turn. Come on. Let's go. 331 00:13:23,112 --> 00:13:24,355 Just what you need. 332 00:13:24,355 --> 00:13:26,184 -What do I need? -You need a release. 333 00:13:26,184 --> 00:13:27,496 I-- I don't sing. 334 00:13:27,496 --> 00:13:29,498 You don't have to sing. You just be loud. 335 00:13:29,498 --> 00:13:31,569 Ladies and gentlemen, we have a little song now 336 00:13:31,569 --> 00:13:32,881 from the birthday boy. 337 00:13:33,951 --> 00:13:35,538 You guys, make fools of yourselves. 338 00:13:35,538 --> 00:13:36,781 Make fool of yourself. 339 00:13:36,781 --> 00:13:38,679 -You go, you go. -No, no, no. 340 00:13:38,679 --> 00:13:41,959 BOTH: ♪ Your cheating heart 341 00:13:42,545 --> 00:13:44,064 BOTH: ♪ Will make you weep ♪ 342 00:13:44,064 --> 00:13:46,515 I don't know these guys they have nothing to do with me. 343 00:13:46,515 --> 00:13:50,312 BOTH: ♪ You'll cry and cry ♪ 344 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:54,005 -♪ And try to sleep ♪ -[PAUL MUMBLES] 345 00:13:54,005 --> 00:13:57,698 -♪ But sleep-- -♪ won't come 346 00:13:57,698 --> 00:13:59,908 ♪ The whole night through 347 00:13:59,908 --> 00:14:01,979 -Sing it, Paul. Sing it. -Whole night through. 348 00:14:01,979 --> 00:14:03,946 ♪ Your cheating heart 349 00:14:03,946 --> 00:14:05,948 [MARK AND IRA CHIME IN] 350 00:14:05,948 --> 00:14:07,950 ♪ Will tell on you 351 00:14:07,950 --> 00:14:09,607 -Will tell on you. -Straight to Alabama. 352 00:14:09,607 --> 00:14:12,092 ♪ Your cheating heart 353 00:14:12,092 --> 00:14:13,714 -Cheating heart. -Ladies and gentlemen. 354 00:14:13,714 --> 00:14:15,371 ♪ Will tell on you 355 00:14:15,371 --> 00:14:17,960 -Just like your little sister. -[MARK AND IRA CHIME IN] 356 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:21,308 -♪ You'll cry and cry -Sobbing, sobbing. 357 00:14:21,308 --> 00:14:23,966 -♪ The whole night through ♪ -The whole night through. 358 00:14:23,966 --> 00:14:25,830 [MARK AND IRA TALKING OVER EACH OTHER] 359 00:14:25,830 --> 00:14:27,349 [PAUL MUMBLES] 360 00:14:27,349 --> 00:14:28,729 Sing it like he does. 361 00:14:28,729 --> 00:14:30,179 ♪ The way I do 362 00:14:30,179 --> 00:14:32,595 And he does like, clop, clop, clop. 363 00:14:32,595 --> 00:14:36,151 -♪ Your cheating heart ♪ -Cheating heart. 364 00:14:36,151 --> 00:14:39,913 -♪Will tell on you -♪ Will tell on you 365 00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:43,020 -♪ Will tell on you ♪ -Will tell on you. 366 00:14:44,055 --> 00:14:49,681 ALL: ♪ Will tell on you 367 00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:50,820 [APPLAUSE] 368 00:14:50,820 --> 00:14:52,512 -Thank you. -Yes. 369 00:14:52,512 --> 00:14:54,341 Thank you. Good night. 370 00:14:54,341 --> 00:14:56,481 There you go. Birthday boy. 371 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,863 Very nice, Paulie. 372 00:14:58,863 --> 00:15:03,419 Oh, wow. That was really great. Happy birthday. 373 00:15:08,045 --> 00:15:09,701 -There you go. You happy now? -No. 374 00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:11,462 That's not what I had planned at all. 375 00:15:13,291 --> 00:15:14,948 -SYLVIA: Where is Jamie? -Why? 376 00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:16,812 Why? Is that an unreasonable question? 377 00:15:16,812 --> 00:15:19,677 You're married to that woman. You're here, she's not. 378 00:15:19,677 --> 00:15:21,437 No, she had to... 379 00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:24,578 She was supposed to-- You know what happened? 380 00:15:24,578 --> 00:15:26,028 Forget it. I'm not that interested. 381 00:15:26,028 --> 00:15:27,305 Believe me. 382 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,136 -What are you doing? -Making coffee. 383 00:15:30,136 --> 00:15:33,035 -Why? -If Ziggy Klarik is coming over, 384 00:15:33,035 --> 00:15:35,003 I want to give the man some coffee. 385 00:15:35,003 --> 00:15:37,660 You're gonna give Ziggy Klarik a cup of coffee? 386 00:15:37,660 --> 00:15:39,939 You're not gonna give Ziggy Klarik a cup of coffee. 387 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,837 Ziggy Klarik doesn't deserve a cup of coffee! 388 00:15:41,837 --> 00:15:43,943 It's not the good coffee. 389 00:15:45,185 --> 00:15:47,429 Pop, what is it with you and Ziggy Klarik? 390 00:15:47,429 --> 00:15:50,018 -Yeah, what happened? -It's-- It's nothing. 391 00:15:50,018 --> 00:15:51,847 Forget it. It's a long time ago. 392 00:15:51,847 --> 00:15:53,331 Oh, please, Burt, tell them already. 393 00:15:53,331 --> 00:15:54,815 1954, 394 00:15:55,402 --> 00:15:57,991 a salesman comes into my store with his new product. 395 00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,820 He says it's gonna sweep the nation. 396 00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:01,305 It's a circular thing. 397 00:16:01,305 --> 00:16:03,721 It's tubular, it's a circular tube. 398 00:16:03,721 --> 00:16:06,103 He says, "Burt, this is gonna sweep the nation." 399 00:16:06,103 --> 00:16:08,760 -Sweetie, the short version. -Oh. 400 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,659 He puts this tube around his waist, 401 00:16:10,659 --> 00:16:12,109 and he starts twirling. 402 00:16:12,488 --> 00:16:14,663 Wait a minute. A hula-hoop? 403 00:16:14,663 --> 00:16:16,078 This guy brought you the hula-hoop? 404 00:16:16,078 --> 00:16:19,806 That's right. We made a deal for me to be the exclusive 405 00:16:19,806 --> 00:16:22,119 hula-hoop distributor in the tri-state area. 406 00:16:22,119 --> 00:16:23,292 -The hula-hoop. -Wow. 407 00:16:23,292 --> 00:16:25,950 The very next day, I get a call from this guy. 408 00:16:25,950 --> 00:16:27,676 Ziggy Klarik outbid me. 409 00:16:27,676 --> 00:16:29,436 He knocks me right out of the box. 410 00:16:29,436 --> 00:16:31,197 He makes millions. And me, 411 00:16:31,197 --> 00:16:34,579 every time I see a hula-hoop, now I get a pain right here. 412 00:16:34,579 --> 00:16:36,443 Oh, Burt, don't eat your guts out. 413 00:16:36,443 --> 00:16:37,617 It was 40 years ago. 414 00:16:37,617 --> 00:16:40,068 Yeah. Meanwhile, the guy is coming into my kitchen, 415 00:16:40,068 --> 00:16:41,448 and you're making him coffee. 416 00:16:41,448 --> 00:16:44,072 Because his son is gonna marry Lisa. 417 00:16:44,072 --> 00:16:45,625 So, you know what? For everybody's sake, 418 00:16:45,625 --> 00:16:48,628 could you and Ziggy to sit down and try to work out a solution? 419 00:16:48,628 --> 00:16:50,871 Well, there is a simple solution. 420 00:16:50,871 --> 00:16:52,114 He can drop dead. 421 00:16:52,942 --> 00:16:54,151 [BUZZER] 422 00:16:54,151 --> 00:16:56,567 -I think it's them. -Them who? 423 00:16:56,567 --> 00:16:58,672 Whoever's coming who isn't us. 424 00:17:00,226 --> 00:17:01,951 I got it. I will get it. 425 00:17:05,231 --> 00:17:06,370 Hi. 426 00:17:06,370 --> 00:17:07,992 -Hi. -Hi. 427 00:17:08,406 --> 00:17:10,477 You know what, I'm gonna give you two a minute. 428 00:17:12,893 --> 00:17:14,654 I'm surprised you came. 429 00:17:14,654 --> 00:17:16,414 I didn't want to. But Lisa asked-- 430 00:17:16,414 --> 00:17:18,140 I believe you. I was not looking forward 431 00:17:18,140 --> 00:17:19,866 -to this, either. -I know. 432 00:17:19,866 --> 00:17:22,213 Um... All right, as long as we're here... 433 00:17:22,972 --> 00:17:25,975 Listen, my parents don't know anything about this, so... 434 00:17:25,975 --> 00:17:27,632 And they don't need to know, so... 435 00:17:27,632 --> 00:17:29,531 Can we just pretend at least for the afternoon 436 00:17:29,531 --> 00:17:30,635 that we're still us? 437 00:17:31,015 --> 00:17:32,051 Okay. 438 00:17:36,676 --> 00:17:38,574 -Hi. -James. 439 00:17:38,574 --> 00:17:40,887 -Look who's here. -How is everybody? 440 00:17:40,887 --> 00:17:42,751 Well, we have an anniversary party 441 00:17:42,751 --> 00:17:44,442 and engagement party on the same day. 442 00:17:44,442 --> 00:17:46,720 But other than that, we're getting by. 443 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,412 [BUZZER] 444 00:17:48,412 --> 00:17:50,069 That's Sanford and his daddy. 445 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,794 -[BUZZER GOES ON] -Let me get that. 446 00:17:51,794 --> 00:17:53,348 Boy, the rich buzz long. 447 00:17:53,348 --> 00:17:55,557 -[BUZZER GOES ON] -Enough already. We hear you. 448 00:17:56,213 --> 00:17:57,214 By the way, 449 00:17:57,869 --> 00:17:59,078 you look very pretty. 450 00:18:00,182 --> 00:18:01,839 Thank you. You look nice, too. 451 00:18:03,323 --> 00:18:04,738 All right, shall we? 452 00:18:05,498 --> 00:18:07,672 Because I've got 15 minutes. 453 00:18:08,501 --> 00:18:10,054 You ever seen a watch like that? 454 00:18:10,434 --> 00:18:12,574 No, I would imagine not. 455 00:18:13,713 --> 00:18:15,680 Honey, we took a checker cab. 456 00:18:16,233 --> 00:18:18,269 -I sat in the jump seat. -Cool. 457 00:18:18,269 --> 00:18:20,547 Hey, Ziggy Klarik, this is my sister, Jamie. 458 00:18:20,547 --> 00:18:21,893 -Hi. -What's your name? 459 00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:23,067 -Jamie. -Jamie. 460 00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:24,655 -Hi, Jamie. -Hi, Sanford. 461 00:18:24,655 --> 00:18:25,828 We took a checker cab. 462 00:18:25,828 --> 00:18:26,967 I heard. 463 00:18:28,383 --> 00:18:30,695 -This is my brother-in-law Paul. -Hi. 464 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,456 -What's your name? -Paul. 465 00:18:32,456 --> 00:18:33,836 And this is Paul's mom Sylvia. 466 00:18:33,836 --> 00:18:35,493 Impossible. 467 00:18:35,493 --> 00:18:36,529 What? 468 00:18:36,874 --> 00:18:38,427 You can't be his mom. 469 00:18:38,876 --> 00:18:40,395 Maybe his sister. 470 00:18:40,395 --> 00:18:42,949 Oh, Mr. Klarik. [LAUGHS] 471 00:18:42,949 --> 00:18:44,537 His younger sister. 472 00:18:44,537 --> 00:18:45,745 [LAUGHS] 473 00:18:45,745 --> 00:18:47,126 All right, all right, all right. 474 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,093 Quiet. What's wrong with you? 475 00:18:50,267 --> 00:18:51,820 And I believe you know this man. 476 00:18:51,820 --> 00:18:53,994 -Hello, Burt. -Ziggy. 477 00:18:53,994 --> 00:18:55,341 Been a long time. 478 00:18:55,341 --> 00:18:56,376 Uh-huh. 479 00:18:56,825 --> 00:18:58,999 You still got that 12,000 square feet 480 00:18:58,999 --> 00:19:01,278 -on 8th avenue? -That's right. 481 00:19:01,278 --> 00:19:02,520 Yeah. 482 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:03,590 Sporting goods? 483 00:19:04,039 --> 00:19:05,420 -Yep. -Yeah. 484 00:19:06,352 --> 00:19:07,594 What did you clear last year? 485 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,734 We did all right. 486 00:19:09,734 --> 00:19:11,460 [LAUGHS] 487 00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:13,152 I'm sure you did. 488 00:19:14,705 --> 00:19:16,810 So, Ziggy, let me ask you a question. 489 00:19:16,810 --> 00:19:18,053 Ooh, dad, let's not do that. 490 00:19:18,053 --> 00:19:20,193 How's the hula-hoop business? 491 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,264 -What? -Come on. 1954. 492 00:19:22,264 --> 00:19:23,921 -What about it? -Come on. Don't pretend 493 00:19:23,921 --> 00:19:25,819 like you don't remember. You screwed me, Klarik. 494 00:19:25,819 --> 00:19:27,442 -I screwed you? -Yeah. 495 00:19:27,442 --> 00:19:28,753 You should've upped your price. 496 00:19:28,753 --> 00:19:30,997 My price? I had a very fair price. 497 00:19:30,997 --> 00:19:35,277 So I was more fair. Is it a crime to be more fair? 498 00:19:35,277 --> 00:19:37,659 I had a deal with that man and you know it. 499 00:19:37,659 --> 00:19:39,902 -I know nothing. -JAMIE: Excuse me, gentlemen. 500 00:19:39,902 --> 00:19:41,249 I'm sorry. But-- 501 00:19:41,249 --> 00:19:43,734 We're here to discuss the future, not the past... 502 00:19:43,734 --> 00:19:44,838 Yeah. 503 00:19:44,838 --> 00:19:46,737 ...specifically, two weeks from next Sunday, 504 00:19:46,737 --> 00:19:48,048 -the 12th. -Yeah. 505 00:19:48,048 --> 00:19:52,121 So, if-- if we could either move the anniversary party 506 00:19:52,121 --> 00:19:53,985 -or the engagement party-- -[SNORTS] 507 00:19:53,985 --> 00:19:56,643 "Engagement party." Thank you, sweetheart. 508 00:19:57,334 --> 00:19:59,991 To tell you the truth, up until about five weeks ago, 509 00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:01,441 I thought my son was gay. 510 00:20:03,478 --> 00:20:04,996 Dad, don't start this again. 511 00:20:04,996 --> 00:20:06,550 What am I starting? 512 00:20:06,929 --> 00:20:09,760 Who am I? I'm an old-fashioned guy. 513 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:11,071 To me, you're gay. 514 00:20:11,934 --> 00:20:14,972 All right. Why don't we just cut to the chase? Okay? 515 00:20:14,972 --> 00:20:16,491 Who's gonna change their party date? 516 00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:23,567 How much? 517 00:20:23,567 --> 00:20:24,775 -How much? -How much? 518 00:20:24,775 --> 00:20:26,880 -How much? -How much? Yeah. 519 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,192 -Give me a number. -A number? 520 00:20:28,192 --> 00:20:29,676 Yeah, a price. 521 00:20:30,021 --> 00:20:32,886 I give you money, you take your party 522 00:20:32,886 --> 00:20:34,267 -to another Sunday. -Dad-- 523 00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:35,579 -Ziggy. -All right. That's enough. 524 00:20:35,579 --> 00:20:36,683 -It really is. -Jamie. 525 00:20:36,683 --> 00:20:38,478 I'm sorry, Lisa, but there comes a point. 526 00:20:38,478 --> 00:20:40,377 Listen. My parents don't need your dirty hula-hoop money. 527 00:20:40,377 --> 00:20:42,482 You can't just walk into their home, 528 00:20:42,482 --> 00:20:44,898 into their kitchen criticizing and disparaging. 529 00:20:44,898 --> 00:20:47,107 They're not an appliance or toaster or something. 530 00:20:47,107 --> 00:20:48,350 These are people. 531 00:20:48,350 --> 00:20:50,663 You can't put a price on 45 years of marriage. 532 00:20:50,663 --> 00:20:52,009 You can't just buy that. 533 00:21:00,017 --> 00:21:01,536 I'll give you $10,000. 534 00:21:01,536 --> 00:21:02,675 BOTH: Sold. 535 00:21:08,577 --> 00:21:10,683 ♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 38392

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