Original subtitles

WOMAN: Previously on Mad About You...

I was just thinking, and no implication here,

but I was gonna leave, so, do you wanna maybe split a cab?

Actually, I thought I'd take a walk.

Oh, okay. Do you want to split a walk?

What the hell's the matter with you?

I know. I don't know what's going on.

I mean. I-- I-- I really wanted to... go with her.

Jamie and I aren't doing so great right now.

We have to talk.

We took a walk around the block.

She got into a cab, and I... came home.

But it wasn't just a walk.

I kissed Doug Berkus.

I gotta get out of here.

I can't really be here right now.

-Where are you going? -I don't know where.

-Are you coming back? -I don't know.

-Shouldn't we talk about this? -No.

I can't talk about this now. I can't talk.

Okay, wait, just wait.

What's gonna happen now?

-What happens now? -I don't know, I don't know.

I'm-- I'm...

I don't know.

[KNOCKING]

Come in. It's open.

Li--

Hi, Jamie. We're playing twister?

You wanna play?

Twister? No, thanks.

-Hi. -How about a three-way game

-of chutes and ladders? -Maybe later.

I'll go set it up.

Lisa, help.

-What's the matter? -I'm in trouble.

-What's up? -I kissed Doug Berkus.

That guy from the office? He's so cute.

Okay, really not the point.

I know.

I may have just screwed up

what should have been a very nice little life.

-Come on. He'll get over it. -Mine. My life. My life.

All right. All right. It's not the end of the world.

Come on.

You didn't...

-No. God. Of course not. -All right. All right.

So you know, you'll feel bad for a little bit.

You'll get over it. Life goes on.

Paul left.

-What do you mean he left? -I told him what happened.

He got upset and he left.

And I couldn't stay in the house alone,

and frankly, I don't know what to do.

What do I do?

-You're asking me? -Yes.

Cool.

[PHONE RINGING]

-Yeah? -Okay. Is he with you?

Yeah. Is she with you?

Uh-huh.

-You believe this? -LISA: Nope.

Listen. You put her on and I'll put him on.

She doesn't want to talk to him.

She said she doesn't want to talk to you.

She doesn't want to talk to me?

No, no, no. I don't want to talk to her.

Well, he doesn't want to talk to her.

-Very mature. -What?

He says it's not that you that don't wanna talk to him.

It's that he doesn't want to talk to you.

-Very mature. -Told you.

They said you're very mature.

Very mature sarcastic, or very mature sincere?

I'd have to guess sarcastic.

It's not that I don't wanna talk to him.

It's that I don't feel comfortable

talking to him right now. Hm?

-What? -What?

-Never mind. I don't know. -Never mind. She doesn't know.

She doesn't know.

She doesn't know hopeless,

or she doesn't know, like, ambivalent?

Will you just please get on the phone.

-No, no. -LISA: What did he say?

-Hold on a second. -Hold on a second.

I got nothing to say to her.

He's got nothing to say to her.

-He has nothing to say to you. -He has nothing to say to me?

-I mean, what is there to say? -I mean, what is there to say?

A, I don't think

she shouldn't be talking to anybody right now.

A, he don't think she should be talking at all.

She should be looking inside her own soul...

-...look inside her own soul... -...for some answers...

-...to very sticky questions... -...to very sticky questions...

...about the definition of marriage and propriety

and the consequences of actions that people take in their lives

and the ramifications thereof.

Answers to all kinds of stuff.

-And 2... -And deux...

...in a larger sense... I mean, what kind of person is she?

-What kind of person is she? -I mean,

who is this woman that I thought I knew...

Who is this woman that he thought he knew.

-...who made a mockery... -Who has made a mockery...

...of everything that I held sacred?

...of everything that he held sacred?

And when we made our sacred marriage vows...

...and when we made our sacred marriage vows...

-...for better or for worse... -...for better or for worse.

-...for sickness or for poorer, -In poorness and in death.

I don't-- don't recall anybody making mention...

He doesn't recall nothing whatsoever...

...of the bride kissing Douglas Berkus.

...about the bride kissing this clown, Berkus.

And I'll tell you,

the nerve, the unmitigated gall

of her tearing apart the fabric of this union

out of personal weakness

leaves any thinking, feeling human being

with a pit in their stomach.

And tell her I want my dog back.

You tell him that people who live in glass houses

should not throw stones,

that none of us is so perfect we may judge our neighbor

and until he's walked a mile in my shoes,

he has not walked.

Boy, are you in trouble.

And tell him if he stops by the apartment

to water the plants. And also tell him

I left a frozen chicken on the counter.

And tell him if he wants to pick up Murray,

he can come by my office and get him tomorrow

before his job interview.

And tell him... goodbye.

Did you hear that?

Did you hear that?

Just tell her goodbye.

Goodbye.

So this is Murray.

Yes.

Murray, Doug. Doug, Murray.

Hi, Murray.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Listen, Jamie, I...

Hey, can we wait for the next one?

Is that all right?

-Fourth floor, please. -Okay

Um...

-About yesterday-- -Doug--

No, I-- I... didn't sleep at all last night.

Well, that makes 17 of us.

Look, this thing that happened...

-Doug-- -No, I just can't--

Please just let me say this, okay?

Uh... I thought in the back of my crazy head

that you wanted me to...

Now, obviously, you didn't, but I didn't know that.

And if I had never tried,

I would never have forgiven myself, Jamie.

-Doug-- -No, and I'm really,

I'm very embarrassed about this, but...

Please know that this will never,

-ever happen again. -No, I-- I know.

I'm really... Awfully fond of you, Jamie.

I know that.

And maybe in another life...

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

If I thought that we couldn't be friends,

I would really hate that, Jamie,

so maybe we could just pretend that this never happened--

-I already told Paul. -What?

-I told Paul about it. -Why?

-Because I did. -Oh, great.

I swear the stairs are faster.

-I bet he wants to kill me. -He doesn't wanna kill you.

Well, I hope that you can just tell him that I--

Hold it. Hold. Hold.

Hi.

Hi.

-Hi. -Hi.

Well...

can anybody think of anything more awkward?

Honey.

Oh, me?

Yes, you.

Because I wasn't sure.

Listen, I think it's--

[ELEVATOR GRINDS]

You know what? I really don't think

you should say anything just now.

-Okay, if I-- -And I'm really,

really sure about that for you.

Okay, I don't know what's going on

between the two of you.

I think that's pretty obvious.

There's nothing going on.

I really wouldn't call it nothing.

No, no, I swear to you, there is nothing going on.

Look how nice you both get along.

[ELEVATOR ALARM RINGS]

Honey, the security guys come if the elevator isn't--

[JAMIE SIGHS]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Do you want to come in and talk for a minute?

No. It's okay.

I just want to talk to Doug for a second.

What are you doing?

I'm just gonna talk to Doug.

-You married? -No.

-Ever been married? -No.

Hmm.

But I know that it is not easy to...

Really?

Yes. And I want to say, Paul, that I'm--

[ELEVATOR GRINDS]

Listen, I know that whatever is wrong,

whatever's going on with Jamie and me,

that is our problem. We will fix it.

That's got nothing to do with you.

It was wrong, and I apologize to both of you.

-That's very sweet. -I mean that, Paul.

I understand. That's awfully civilized.

At the same time, I have to say to you,

and I mean this with nothing but respect for you

as a professional.

If you ever touch my wife again...

I won't.

-I promise. -[ALARM RINGS]

-[ALARM STOPS] -[ELEVATORS CONTINUES]

Did you think I was gonna hit you?

Yeah, I did.

Good.

MARK: Best thing for that, cold beer and some karaoke.

Mark, you should see this guy.

He's sleeping on my couch three in the morning

watching Flipper in his underwear and crying.

[LAUGHING]

That's funny. Excuse me for having emotions.

You guys ever have a marriage that just fell to crap?

-Yes. -Yeah.

-All right, then. So shut up. -All right.

What would you like us to do to make you feel better?

You know what would I like?

I would really like to punch somebody.

Who Berkus?

-For starters, yeah. -You should have.

Want to hit me?

Hit you, why? What did you do?

Nothing. It's just a release. You'll feel better.

You would let me hit you?

Sure. If it would make you feel better.

-Thank you. -You want to?

Nah. Maybe later.

Come on, now. Do it now.

-Really? -Yeah. Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Come on. That's not a hit.

Paulie, that's not a hit.

-That's a hit. -There you go.

-It hurts! -What are you doing?

-Me. What about me? -Yeah, all right.

Yeah. Okay, there. Now...

-Now we feel better? -Not one ounce.

You know what would I like? I wanna be like my wife.

I'd like to kiss somebody.

Want to kiss me?

-You would let me kiss you? -Sure.

-I don't wanna kiss you. -Come on.

Maybe it'll make you feel better.

Understand, that has zero appeal to me.

I understand.

-Maybe later? -Maybe later.

Okay, all right. See right there.

That's a perfect example

of somebody that I would like to kiss.

Well, you know, I hate to nitpick,

but, you know, kissing somebody

-wouldn't make you even. -Why not?

Because James didn't kiss somebody.

-Somebody kissed her. -It's true. The man has a point.

-So? -So technically,

somebody would have to kiss you.

Yeah. Then I could like take about half an hour

to push them away, pretend I didn't enjoy it.

Hey, hey, come on. Come on. Let's be fair to Jamie.

This was a one-time thing, an isolated incident.

You know, in Europe, this happens all the time.

-Where? -In Europe.

-Where in Europe? -Wherever you want

Italy, France.

You don't think in France this is happening every day?

Oh. The French don't care.

IRA: That's right. It happens all the time,

Every day, every minute. What?

Bingo. Just happened.

A guy in Marseille just grabbed another guy's wife

right in the croissant.

All right. So, why can't I do that?

Because that's not you. These people are French.

Don't you understand?

All right. What about her?

-What about her? -What about her?

See. I don't even know what to do.

What if she kissed me out of her own goodwill?

Well, you'd be one lucky man.

-Here you go. -Here you go, sweetheart.

-What-- What is your name? -Sandra.

Sandra, Sandra, do you know

that it happens to be my birthday today?

-Oh. Is it really? -Yep.

Well, happy birthday.

So, I took a shot there.

Now, Paulie, don't make us drag you out here.

You think you're the first couple

-to go through this? -I know.

Look, look, Fran and I were just married. All right?

There's this guy in Fran's office.

He keeps calling her and calling--

No, I'm sorry. No, that wasn't Fran.

That was another couple. The Kopecks.

They're friends of ours. But-- Fran told me--

It's funny it sticks in your mind but--

You understand what I'm trying to tell you?

Work things through. It gets better.

Mark, look,

you're gonna depress the boy. All right?

ANNOUNCER: Whoever were Hank Williams, your song is up.

Here we go. It's our turn. Come on. Let's go.

Just what you need.

-What do I need? -You need a release.

I-- I don't sing.

You don't have to sing. You just be loud.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a little song now

from the birthday boy.

You guys, make fools of yourselves.

Make fool of yourself.

-You go, you go. -No, no, no.

BOTH: ♪ Your cheating heart

BOTH: ♪ Will make you weep ♪

I don't know these guys they have nothing to do with me.

BOTH: ♪ You'll cry and cry ♪

-♪ And try to sleep ♪ -[PAUL MUMBLES]

-♪ But sleep-- -♪ won't come

♪ The whole night through

-Sing it, Paul. Sing it. -Whole night through.

♪ Your cheating heart

[MARK AND IRA CHIME IN]

♪ Will tell on you

-Will tell on you. -Straight to Alabama.

♪ Your cheating heart

-Cheating heart. -Ladies and gentlemen.

♪ Will tell on you

-Just like your little sister. -[MARK AND IRA CHIME IN]

-♪ You'll cry and cry -Sobbing, sobbing.

-♪ The whole night through ♪ -The whole night through.

[MARK AND IRA TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]

[PAUL MUMBLES]

Sing it like he does.

♪ The way I do

And he does like, clop, clop, clop.

-♪ Your cheating heart ♪ -Cheating heart.

-♪Will tell on you -♪ Will tell on you

-♪ Will tell on you ♪ -Will tell on you.

ALL: ♪ Will tell on you

[APPLAUSE]

-Thank you. -Yes.

Thank you. Good night.

There you go. Birthday boy.

Very nice, Paulie.

Oh, wow. That was really great. Happy birthday.

-There you go. You happy now? -No.

That's not what I had planned at all.

-SYLVIA: Where is Jamie? -Why?

Why? Is that an unreasonable question?

You're married to that woman. You're here, she's not.

No, she had to...

She was supposed to-- You know what happened?

Forget it. I'm not that interested.

Believe me.

-What are you doing? -Making coffee.

-Why? -If Ziggy Klarik is coming over,

I want to give the man some coffee.

You're gonna give Ziggy Klarik a cup of coffee?

You're not gonna give Ziggy Klarik a cup of coffee.

Ziggy Klarik doesn't deserve a cup of coffee!

It's not the good coffee.

Pop, what is it with you and Ziggy Klarik?

-Yeah, what happened? -It's-- It's nothing.

Forget it. It's a long time ago.

Oh, please, Burt, tell them already.

1954,

a salesman comes into my store with his new product.

He says it's gonna sweep the nation.

It's a circular thing.

It's tubular, it's a circular tube.

He says, "Burt, this is gonna sweep the nation."

-Sweetie, the short version. -Oh.

He puts this tube around his waist,

and he starts twirling.

Wait a minute. A hula-hoop?

This guy brought you the hula-hoop?

That's right. We made a deal for me to be the exclusive

hula-hoop distributor in the tri-state area.

-The hula-hoop. -Wow.

The very next day, I get a call from this guy.

Ziggy Klarik outbid me.

He knocks me right out of the box.

He makes millions. And me,

every time I see a hula-hoop, now I get a pain right here.

Oh, Burt, don't eat your guts out.

It was 40 years ago.

Yeah. Meanwhile, the guy is coming into my kitchen,

and you're making him coffee.

Because his son is gonna marry Lisa.

So, you know what? For everybody's sake,

could you and Ziggy to sit down and try to work out a solution?

Well, there is a simple solution.

He can drop dead.

[BUZZER]

-I think it's them. -Them who?

Whoever's coming who isn't us.

I got it. I will get it.

Hi.

-Hi. -Hi.

You know what, I'm gonna give you two a minute.

I'm surprised you came.

I didn't want to. But Lisa asked--

I believe you. I was not looking forward

-to this, either. -I know.

Um... All right, as long as we're here...

Listen, my parents don't know anything about this, so...

And they don't need to know, so...

Can we just pretend at least for the afternoon

that we're still us?

Okay.

-Hi. -James.

-Look who's here. -How is everybody?

Well, we have an anniversary party

and engagement party on the same day.

But other than that, we're getting by.

[BUZZER]

That's Sanford and his daddy.

-[BUZZER GOES ON] -Let me get that.

Boy, the rich buzz long.

-[BUZZER GOES ON] -Enough already. We hear you.

By the way,

you look very pretty.

Thank you. You look nice, too.

All right, shall we?

Because I've got 15 minutes.

You ever seen a watch like that?

No, I would imagine not.

Honey, we took a checker cab.

-I sat in the jump seat. -Cool.

Hey, Ziggy Klarik, this is my sister, Jamie.

-Hi. -What's your name?

-Jamie. -Jamie.

-Hi, Jamie. -Hi, Sanford.

We took a checker cab.

I heard.

-This is my brother-in-law Paul. -Hi.

-What's your name? -Paul.

And this is Paul's mom Sylvia.

Impossible.

What?

You can't be his mom.

Maybe his sister.

Oh, Mr. Klarik. [LAUGHS]

His younger sister.

[LAUGHS]

All right, all right, all right.

Quiet. What's wrong with you?

And I believe you know this man.

-Hello, Burt. -Ziggy.

Been a long time.

Uh-huh.

You still got that 12,000 square feet

-on 8th avenue? -That's right.

Yeah.

Sporting goods?

-Yep. -Yeah.

What did you clear last year?

We did all right.

[LAUGHS]

I'm sure you did.

So, Ziggy, let me ask you a question.

Ooh, dad, let's not do that.

How's the hula-hoop business?

-What? -Come on. 1954.

-What about it? -Come on. Don't pretend

like you don't remember. You screwed me, Klarik.

-I screwed you? -Yeah.

You should've upped your price.

My price? I had a very fair price.

So I was more fair. Is it a crime to be more fair?

I had a deal with that man and you know it.

-I know nothing. -JAMIE: Excuse me, gentlemen.

I'm sorry. But--

We're here to discuss the future, not the past...

Yeah.

...specifically, two weeks from next Sunday,

-the 12th. -Yeah.

So, if-- if we could either move the anniversary party

-or the engagement party-- -[SNORTS]

"Engagement party." Thank you, sweetheart.

To tell you the truth, up until about five weeks ago,

I thought my son was gay.

Dad, don't start this again.

What am I starting?

Who am I? I'm an old-fashioned guy.

To me, you're gay.

All right. Why don't we just cut to the chase? Okay?

Who's gonna change their party date?

How much?

-How much? -How much?

-How much? -How much? Yeah.

-Give me a number. -A number?

Yeah, a price.

I give you money, you take your party

-to another Sunday. -Dad--

-Ziggy. -All right. That's enough.

-It really is. -Jamie.

I'm sorry, Lisa, but there comes a point.

Listen. My parents don't need your dirty hula-hoop money.

You can't just walk into their home,

into their kitchen criticizing and disparaging.

They're not an appliance or toaster or something.

These are people.

You can't put a price on 45 years of marriage.

You can't just buy that.

I'll give you $10,000.

BOTH: Sold.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]