Original subtitles

PAUL: Let me ask you something.

How many calories you think you burn off having sex?

I don't know. Maybe 300, 400.

Okay. So that's pretty much as if we had sex last night.

And because I'm a very caring lover,

a little something for you.

Thank you.

So what are you doing today?

I am gonna shower, and then take it from there.

-What about the interview? -What interview?

I thought you were meeting with Channel 57.

Oh, yeah, that didn't feel right.

Didn't feel right?

No, 57. It's just too high a channel.

Honey, you've been out of work--

No, no, between jobs.

You've been between jobs for almost six weeks.

Do you think maybe something is gonna feel right soon?

Hey, I would love to feel right.

It's just the truth is there aren't that many jobs out there.

-There are plenty of jobs. -Not at my level.

And what level is that?

It's not a low level.

The thing you have to realize is

my whole universe is different now.

I won a Silver Sprocket award

so I have to be very selective about where I go next.

Don't forget unemployment, 3:00.

Yeah, but you notice this is the very best

unemployment office they have

with the good pens and everything.

-Hi, is Jonathan there? -Who's Jonathan?

-It's the caterer? -Oh, yeah.

It's Jamie Buchman. Thank you.

I can't believe your sister is marrying a guy

worth $400 million,

and you have to do all the planning.

I want to do the planning.

Jonathan, hi, I just want to confirm the date.

It's on the 12th. Okay. Thanks a lot, Jonathan.

-Bye-bye. -Which 12th?

-The 12th. This 12th. The 12th. -No, no, no,

-it can't be on the 12th. -Why?

The 12th. The 12th is my parents anniversary party.

You never told me it was on the 12th.

I told you it was on their anniversary.

Their anniversary is on the 12th.

It has been for years.

Well, we're gonna have to change that.

Well, while we're at it, can I move my birthday to June?

We have to change the party.

-Change Lisa's party. -I just booked a museum.

Well, I booked the 2nd Avenue Deli.

Oh, well, then.

PAUL: And not just a deli.

I booked the back, the Yank of the Goater Room.

You have to book that months in advanced.

We'll have to get another deli.

There's no other deli

and besides that's where my father proposed.

Your father proposed at the 2nd Avenue Deli?

-Over a plate of garlic pickles. -Wow.

Actually, he had to stop in the middle of the proposal--

"Sylvia, would you, waaaa, marry me?"

Very romantic man, my father.

We have to figure this out. I need your help.

-What you want me to do? -I want you to fix it.

-What are you doing? -I'm going to work.

-I'll-- I'll see what I can do. -All right. Thank you.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Thank you.

IRA: I thought you were signing up for unemployment.

PAUL: What? Does everybody have to know about this?

-I gotta talk to you. -So talk. I'm listening.

It's about-- It's about a girl.

-What do you mean? For me? -No.

Hey, start talking, Paulie.

Last Friday, I went to the Sprockets

I won the award, you know,

and I-- I was there by myself because Jamie's up in Albany,

so there was this woman at the bar,

and we started talking, and she's like beautiful.

She's just really sweet, you know?

She's into film and-- and intelligent and...

-And what? What happened? -And we took a walk.

You and this woman?

Yeah.

What the hell is the matter with you?

I know. I don't know what's going on.

I-- I-- I really wanted to go with her.

Jamie and I, we're not doing so great right now.

-You're not? -No.

Really? How come?

Because-- I don't know.

Oh, man, Paulie, I'm sorry. I mean, what is it?

Is it the whole thing with the pregnancy thing?

Well, actually, yeah.

Or maybe the fact that you're unemployed?

That's not helping.

Maybe it's the fact that you haven't spent

-much time together, huh? -All right.

So why do you even ask me? Yes, it's all those things.

I'm sorry. I had no idea.

You guys have one of the greatest marriages

of anybody I've ever met.

Well, thank you,

but, I mean, I don't know what to tell her.

Tell her? About what?

About this woman.

Why would you tell her? What is wrong with you?

If I don't tell her about this, it's gonna get worse.

Paulie, my professional advice is you do not tell her.

Jonathan, don't tell me there's no such thing as Egyptian food.

Are there Egyptians?

And how do they nourish themselves?

That's right. Call me back.

-Hey. -Hey, where have you been?

What? It's 8:55.

Oh, sorry.

What's the matter with you?

-To tell you the truth-- -Wait. Wait until you hear this.

-What? -Guess.

I'm just not in the mood--

Oh, just guess. Give you a hint.

Um...

You and Mark are getting back together.

Who told?

It's your face. It's either that or shoes.

[WHOOPS]

Isn't it exciting? I am so happy.

It's like 1983 all over again.

You remember how we were in 1983?

I only met you in '87, but yes, yes.

Oh, you missed it. We were great in '83,

but here's the part that you cannot tell anybody.

I'm gonna quit.

Why?

You-- you love work. You revel in it,

but to tell you the truth, I'm sick of it.

Wow.

[SIGHS]

-Maybe even have another kid. -Fran, that would be great.

Jamie, I am so happy. [SQUEALS]

I am so happy.

-Are you happy? -I'm very happy.

Now, you promise, you cannot tell anybody yet.

No, no, no. Don't worry.

I have to get out of the lease on Mark's apartment.

I got to pick up Ryan from school

and tell him the news.

-What were you gonna tell me? -Nothing.

-Are you okay? -No, I'm fine.

-Good. I'll be back after lunch. -Okay.

[PHONE RINGING]

-Lisa Stemple. -Lisa, it's me.

Do you have a minute? I really need--

LISA: Put that down.

What is wrong with you? Haven't you ever shopped before?

-What did you want? -Well, I was wondering--

Oh, by the way, the Duchess of Gloucester

is coming to the engagement party.

She eats like a pig.

So we got to get more food. Okay?

Now, what did you want?

I don't know where to start.

LISA: Oh, my God. I've gotta call you back.

Some freak is taking advantage of the mannequin.

Put her down, sicko.

I'll call you back. Bye.

Okay, great.

[SIGHS]

-Hi. -Hi.

-You okay? -Yeah.

Oh, yeah, head in the hands universal symbol for okay.

-No, no, no. -Should I ask?

No, no, no, it's nothing. It's-- it's no big deal.

I'm supposed to be at the Temple of Dendur as we speak,

arranging an engagement party for my sister

and like 500 people who apparently eat like 600

and nobody knows what.

But don't get me wrong

I'm happy for my sister who met a man

who she's in love with and who is in love with her.

And who happens to be worth $400 million.

I'm trying to help her.

I'm happy to help her, and then...

Fran just walked in

and dropped this life-changing news,

which is-- which is great.

It's just the timing may not be great,

but... you can't control everything,

and... Paul is out of work.

And he doesn't seem to be too eager

to get back to work;

and we've been trying to have a baby

since like before electricity.

And...

And we're failing for some unknown mysterious reason.

Maybe it's a good reason, and I don't even know

if I would want to have a baby at this point

under these conditions.

I just-- I just I know it's not happening like it's supposed to.

-Which it? -My life.

I was-- I was on a path, you know?

I felt like I was on a path, and I was going to a certain place

I thought along a certain road and now I don't know.

I feel like I turned right when I was supposed to turn left

or I turned left when I should have gone... straight.

I don't know. It doesn't even feel like my life anymore.

It feels like a big jumble.

-Okay. It's okay. -No, it's not.

-It's not? -No, it's not. It's a disaster.

Maybe you're right. I don't know.

Well, I can't figure it out,

and people have their own problems

which I understand but I'm people too,

and I think I'm the one everybody comes to.

And, now, I need to go to somebody,

and I can't go to anybody because everyone's coming at me

and I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

Jamie, Jamie, calm down. It's all right. Hey, look, look,

I know I'm not exactly one of your close friends

and we just work together

and we haven't known each other all that long,

-but I'm here for you. -Thank you.

WOMAN: [ON TV] You do this by taking your pulse.

-WOMAN: [ON TV] And 1, 2, 3, 4. -Hey, I don't have a pulse.

WOMAN: [ON TV] 1, 2, 3, 4.

-Hey. -Hey.

-Where's my pulse? -What?

Show me a pulse. I don't--

-What? -I'm supposed to have a pulse.

-I don't have one. -Move your hand.

-Is that in it? -That's right, yeah.

Okay? We're all right.

False alarm. You know what, Murray?

I think that's enough for one day.

Don't stop on my account.

No, that's okay. I was gonna stop anyway.

I don't like to do this in front of real people.

No, no, it's okay.

Don't think I was doing this all day

because I wasn't. I had a very busy day.

-You can ask Murray. -Don't worry about it. Thirsty?

I must be.

I got your favorite, Grand Union. [GIGGLES NERVOUSLY]

I don't know what it is.

It tastes better than any others, doesn't it?

Ice. You want ice? Let me get it.

I don't need ice. I don't need-- It's okay. I'll take some ice.

Umm...

-So how was your day? -It was good. I had a good day.

-Did you have a good day? -Good.

Good. So we both had a good day.

-You wanted ice. -Or a hammer is good too.

I was thinking hammer and nail and-- Forget it.

Do you remember when we went to Province Town

and we got that little bud vase?

Uhu.

That was nice, wasn't it?

Uhu.

-Can I ask you something? -What?

-What's the matter with you? -What?

What the hell is wrong with you?

We have to talk.

Uh-oh.

What?

It's just-- It's just that in history of life

no good news has ever followed that sentence.

It's never like "We have to talk.

You are now the emperor of Rome."

You don't hear that.

We have to talk.

Also that tone is not really shouting a sense of good.

-I'm sorry, but we do. -No, I know.

I know, come here because...

I actually I wanna-- I got to talk to you too.

-You do? -Yeah.

-Umm... Can I go first? -Yeah, go ahead.

I-- I-- A silly thing happened--

[BUZZER]

-Who is that? -Who is it?

BURT: It's pop. It's Burt.

It's your father-in-law, Burt Buchman.

At least the man knows who he is.

-Hi, Burt. -Hi.

-Is this a bad time? -No, no, no, what's up?

Well, I would have called

but your mother always picks up the extension.

What's the matter?

Well, I know you've been planning

this 45th anniversary party for us

which is very sweet and we thank you for it

and it's been a wonderful 45 years

but what I would like to tell you is this.

-What? -I want to pay for it.

-No, no, no. -No, no, look, I insist.

I want you to take this money, and I don't wanna hear anymore.

All right, Dad, when you're right, you're right.

Good. Hey, can I use your facilities?

-Sure -I had a couple of --

PAUL AND JAMIE: It doesn't matter.

So you were about to tell me...

-I'll tell you when he goes. -No, tell me.

It's weird. I don't know how to even say this.

[BUZZER]

-What? -Who is it?

LISA: It's me.

I just wanted to run a couple of dresses past Jamie.

You know, Lis--

It won't take a minute. Is this a bad time?

-PAUL AND JAMIE: No, no, no. -LISA: Okay.

Don't go in the bathroom. There's somebody in there.

-Yeah, my father had a couple-- -LISA: Whatever.

So anyway?

[BUZZER]

-Who is it? -DEBBIE: Debbie.

What's going on here?

-Deb? -Is this a bad time?

-JAMIE: No, no, no. -No, no.

I just came by, you know, to ask you guys

if it's okay If I bring Joan on the 12th

because, on the one hand she's my girlfriend

but on the other hand, I don't want mom and pop--

Do you know you that your sister is in the bedroom naked

-with a tiara on her head? -Yes, I know.

-Look who's here. -Deborah, how are you?

So why is she trying on dresses?

It's for her engagement party.

Oh, Lisa, I meant to tell you congratulations.

LISA: Thank you.

Actually met a man worth $400 million.

-Imagine that. -Yep.

Does he have a sister?

[BUZZER]

-Who is it? -JONATHAN: It's Jonathan.

Okay. I don't even know a Jonathan.

-The caterer. -JONATHAN: I have some delicious

Egyptian titbits for you.

-I hope this isn't a bad time. -No, no, no.

Do you have a large slotted spoon?

In the kitchen.

What do we think?

It's very elegant.

Yeah, but it's riding up my butt.

Nice. You can take the girl out of the country

but... can't get the dress out of the girl.

[BUZZER]

Who is it?

-MARK: It's Mark. -Man.

-FRAN: And Fran. -Oh, man.

-Hummus? -Not so much.

All right. All right. All right. What is this?

It's something, isn't it? Isn't it something?

It's like we're teenagers at the prom.

It's like we're virgins and we wanted you to know.

We wanted you to be the first to know in person

because this is isn't the kind of news

that you want to hear like over some sort of--

-Is this a bad time? -PAUL AND JAMIE: No, no.

Fran and I are getting back together.

-Baba ghanoush? -Not right now.

[CHEERING]

-I'm so happy for you. -I knew it.

That's wonderful. We'll make a big announcement.

We'll have a toast at the anniversary party.

-MARK: So when is the party? -It's on the 12th.

The what? The 12th is the date of my engagement party.

I know. We just realized that this morning.

So what are we gonna do? We have to change one of them.

-Well, we can't change ours. -We can't change ours.

I'm not getting engaged if you can't be there.

Well, I'm not having an anniversary

if you can't be there.

You know, Sanford's father, Ziggy, is a very stubborn man.

And what is Burt Buchman? A push over?

A lightweight? A dog?

No, I don't think anybody was saying that.

-Tzatziki? -Okay. You know what? Back off.

Let me tell you something about Ziggy Klarik.

I wouldn't buy a pair of jockey shorts

from that crappy store.

I haven't bought anything in there

since Kennedy was shot.

That was just a big day for you, wasn't it?

Sure. Sure. There was nothing opened.

-I understand. -[BUZZER]

-I'll just get it. -No. It's all right I'll get it.

And let me tell you something about Ziggy Klarik.

He was a crook Ziggy Klarik.

-Is this a bad time? -Who cares anymore.

Hey, Sanford. Burt, I'd like you to meet--

-A hoodlum, a liar-- -Burt--

A red bastard.

Burt, I'd like you to meet Ziggy Klarik's son, Sanford.

Sanford Klarik.

A pleasure, a pleasure.

I'm a friend of your dad's.

What are the chances of that?

The one guy in the world my father's angry at

and your sister marries his son.

You were gonna tell me that something happened you said.

-What? -You were saying...?

Oh...

Come here.

This is hard for me to say.

I've been rehearsing this all day, you know, and just...

And the more I say it, no matter how I say it,

it sounds bad.

I'm just gonna say it.

A little something happened.

It didn't happen but... it almost happened.

It started to happen. It happened for like a second,

and...

and it's been bothering me

because it shouldn't have even happened. Not that it did.

It didn't happen but it started to--

it started to begin to almost possibly happen,

and it's just-- it's just been bothering me.

I kissed Doug Berkus.

What?

I kissed Doug Berkus.

I-- I didn't kiss him, actually, he... kissed me.

But at least to some extent I kissed him back.

Actually, I didn't kiss him back,

but I didn't... stop him instantly.

I did stop him but not immediately.

What?

I kissed Doug Berkus.

Could you stay away from me for a second, please?

Let me explain what--

Yeah, just tell me that didn't actually happened

because that's the only explanation

I would like to hear right now.

Paul?

What?

What?

[SHOUTS] What?

We're having trouble.

You and I we're having trouble.

I know.

-Do you? -Yes.

When you went to Albany last week,

this woman and I, um...

-I... -What? What?

This sounded a lot worse a little while ago.

Um... This woman and I took a walk.

You took a walk as in...

No, no, we took a walk.

We took a walk around the block.

She got into a cab and... I came home.

But it wasn't just the walk, you know?

Wow.

Wow?

You're gonna say wow? You don't get to say wow.

-You're not entitled... -I'm sorry.

-...to a wow on this one. -I'm sorry.

You kissed Doug Berkus?

-Yeah, and you took a walk? -Yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm putting my pants on.

-Why? -Because I need my pants.

I need to wear my pants right now.

-Should I put something on? -Do whatever you want.

You need to wear your shoes too?

Yeah, I-- I got to get out of here.

I can't really be here right now.

-Where are you going? -I don't know where.

-Well, are you coming back? -I don't know.

I had some mints. They were little mints.

-Honey, it's 68 degrees outside. -I know.

-You need your chess set? -Yes, I do.

Shouldn't we talk about this?

No, I can't talk about this now. I can't talk.

Okay. Wait. Wait. What's gonna happen now?

-What happens now? -I don't know. I don't know.

I'm-- I'm--

I don't know.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]