Original subtitles

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS FROM TV]

-[WOMAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] -[FUMBLING WITH LOCK]

-Hey. -Hi, sweetie.

-How you doing? -Good.

I thought you decided not to grow a beard.

No, I'm not. I just--

I've been so busy working, I haven't had a chance to shave,

-I'm so busy. -You were busy today?

Yeah, just doing some collating.

I had to do collating on the computer.

That's what I'm doing now, collating.

-You didn't pick up the mail. -I had no time,

just running around back and forth.

-Because you were busy? -Very busy.

I understand.

What did I miss? Anything important?

Bills, solicitations. Oh, something for Murray.

What's that?

This is all stuff sent to me at the Explorer Channel.

I guess they forwarded it to you.

This stuff's like a month old.

Look at it. We were invited to a screening

of The Adventures of Flounder Boy.

Now we missed it.

-The Silver Sprocket Awards. -Really?

-I wonder if you were nominated. -For what?

They butchered everything I did. They totally destroyed Weed.

Weed. You were nominated for Weed.

-Get out of here. -Oh, my God. Look at that. See?

-Vindication. -I don't care.

-Care! -No.

-When is it? -What's the difference?

-I'm not gonna go. -It's tomorrow.

Do you believe they waited this long

to send this to me?

That's all right. I'm not gonna go to this.

-You have to go. -No, why?

Just so I can wear a tuxedo?

You'll look very handsome in a tuxedo.

So I can sit with the very people who fired me?

Yes, that's exactly why you should go.

This will give you a chance to display your class,

your dignity, your panache.

Hey, I don't display my panache to anybody but you.

That's private.

-You have lovely panache. -Thank you.

What if I go and I lose?

If you lose, then with as much grace

and equanimity as you can muster,

you give them the finger and run away.

I'm not gonna go to that.

Honey, the other thing is the contacts, the networking.

I bet you get a dozen job offers if you go.

I don't want to go and sit with those people, you know?

But you won't be by yourself. I'll be there right next to you.

-Because you're my woman. -Yes.

-You're my wife. -Yes.

-My soul mate. -Yes.

-Well, you're very good to me. -Yes.

-You take care of me. -Yes.

-You nurture me. -Yes.

-You feed me and clothe me. -Yes.

-Wait a second. -What?

-Mommy? -All right.

IRA: Paulie, what do you mean you're not going

-to the Sprocket Awards? -I'm not gonna go.

Here you go. Adventures of Flounder Boy.

There's a 7:30, 8:00, and a 9:30.

-You pick one. -You're going to the awards.

I'm not gonna go.

Paulie, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Picture it. "And the winner is Paul Buchman for..."

-What's it for? -Weed.

[LAUGHS] "...Weed."

-Can I get a bag? -What, for that?

-Yeah. -[SCOFFS]

There you go.

I'm telling you, Paulie, you go there,

you bite the hand that feeds you,

because you know what? Revenge is sweet, my friend.

And I'm telling you, winning is the greatest revenge.

And the early bird catches the cliché.

-Are you gonna do it? -I think I am.

-Good. Attaboy. -Yeah.

You go get yourself a tuxedo and you do it.

-All right. Thank you. -All right.

-Can I get a bag for this? -Get out of here.

Hi, honey, it's me.

Just wondering what you wanted to do tonight.

If you're not busy with an award's dinner or anything,

we could sprawl on the couch eating bad Chinese, watching TV,

or we could get dressed up,

go to the Silver Sprockets, you could win an award

and then drunk with victory and champagne,

you could ravish me repeatedly in any manner you see fit,

but you know, whatever. Your call.

-Oh, boy. -JAMIE: What's the matter?

-We have one hour. -What?

-You, me, train, Albany. -You, me, train, Albany?

Yes, Albany, yes.

Doug, I'm really gonna need a verb of some kind.

It's the state fundraiser tonight.

Brockwell can't make it. We've got to go in his place.

We've got one hour to make the train.

Tonight? No, no, no. I can't go to Albany tonight.

You, me, train, Albany, tonight, yes, must.

Can't, really can't.

Paul has been nominated for an award tonight,

and he won't go unless I go with him.

-Oh yes. Is that for Weed? -Yes, it's for Weed.

-What about it? -Hey, hey, take it easy now.

I liked Weed,remember?

You know, I'm not happy about this either, Jamie.

You should've heard me yell at Brockwell.

-You did? -Oh, yeah.

I gave it to him good.

He can't just change people's plans

-at the last minute. -What did he say?

Well, he wasn't there,

but when he checks his voicemail,

he's gonna get an ear full.

Is he crazy? He can't just do this to us.

-People have lives. -Well, speak for yourself.

-I'm calling Brockwell. -No, no, no, you can't.

He's gone already. Where is he?

He had tickets for Showboat.

-You, me, Albany? -Yes, must.

Paul, mad. Me, really screwed.

[DOG GROANS]

I don't want to, I have to. What would you do?

All right. Let's go to the Sprockets.

Let's network. Let's schmooze. I will tell you.

If I win, I've got a speech

that's just gonna blow their minds.

I walk in there. I got the best-looking woman on the joint.

I got my chest filled with pride.

I got my cummerbund fastened nicely.

-I can't go. -What do you mean?

I can't go.

-What do you mean you can't go? -I can't go.

There's been a last minute change of plans.

I have to go to Albany.

-With who? Berkus? -Yes.

Well, that just... That stinks.

If that wasn't rented, I swear to God...

Honey, I did everything I could to try to get out of it.

-Oh, did you really? -Yes.

Well, I'm very upset about this.

I got all psyched to go and the thing that fortified me

was that you were gonna be there with me.

Maybe we can get somebody else to go with you. Ira or Mark?

I don't wanna go with anybody else.

I don't wanna go at all.

I would've gone with you, but now that's over.

So forget it. Listen-- I'm not gonna win anyway.

I don't know what to say.

-When will you be back? -Tomorrow.

[SCOFFS]

Great.

-I said I was sorry. -PAUL: No, listen.

We all make choices and, you know, you made yours.

You could've gone to this thing with me,

or you could go to Albany with Berkus,

so that's what you're gonna do, so fine.

You go with him. I'm not going. That's my decision.

Honey, I will be there in spirit.

Okay. That may be the most meaningless thing

you've ever said to me.

All right. Look.

I cannot make waves at work right now.

It happens, if you recall,

that I'm the only one in this family

-with a job right now. -Listen.

I could say, "If you love me, go to the Sprockets."

And I could say, "If you love me, go to the Sprockets."

-Just go. -We'll see.

-I can't stand this. -It'll be okay.

-I have to go. -So go.

You go.

I will be at the Radisson in Albany.

Good luck.

Yeah, where are you going?

Syracuse with Rin Tin Tin or something?

All right. Name your poison. Five card stud, deuces wild?

I don't play poker.

How about Gin? Penny a point?

-I don't know how to play Gin. -Old Maid?

Crazy Eights? Go Fish?

-We'll cut. High card wins. -Doug.

52 Pick Up?

Croton-on-Hudson's the next stop.

We'll have about five minute before we have to change trains.

-Why don't you call him? -Thanks.

Hi, honey, it's me.

I wish you were there, although I'm glad you're not,

because that must mean you decided to go.

In a way, I wish you were there so I could talk to you,

but in a way I'm glad you're not there,

because I'm really glad you decided to go to the awards.

-And... -[TRAIN WHISTLES]

I just wanted to say I'm proud of you.

I'm really, really proud of you and I miss you.

Okay? Bye.

-It's time to go. Okay? -Okay. Wait.

-CONDUCTOR: All aboard. -We don't have time, Jamie.

-All aboard. -Just one second.

CONDUCTOR: Poughkeepsie, Rhinecliff, Hudson, Albany,

Rensselaer and Schenectady, last call.

Come on.

Honey, it's me. I love you. I love you. Okay?

-DOUG: Hold it. -JAMIE: Wait. Wait.

Hold the train. Hold the train!

[SIGHS]

-What're we gonna do now? -Teach me how to play Gin.

Paul, I'm very proud of you.

-Really? For what? -For showing up.

Just sitting there with the people who fired you.

I couldn't do that. I couldn't.

I don't have the strength of character--

-Well, thank you very much. -No, let me finish.

The strength of character to degrade myself,

to humiliate myself in front of those-- I couldn't do it.

I just couldn't. I admire you, Paul.

Thank you. Can I have something very powerful, please?

Make it two.

So what're you gonna say if you win tonight?

Oh, don't you worry. I've got a speech.

I've got a whole speech prepared. It's a showstopper.

Yeah? Let me hear it.

No, no, no, I'm not gonna give it away,

but let me just say this.

Revenge is sweet,

and winning will be the best revenge.

That's a little cliché, don't you think?

Don't worry about it.

Did you see any Explorer Channel weasels here?

Look at you. Look at you.

Straighten yourself out. Oh, you look just terrible.

-You're a mess. -All right, Mark. Come on.

No, hold still, will you please? Please, just-- Okay.

-All right. All right. -Okay. There, there.

-Now you look like somebody. -Okay. Thank you.

You know what? I'm gonna call my wife.

-Oh, yeah? Where's she staying? -She's in Albany.

She's at the Radisson.

Oh, the Radisson in Albany is fantastic.

In the morning, they serve you this complimentary hot coffee

with this bun with a glaze.

Oh, just thinking about it makes my mouth water.

Just a second. Hi, Jamie Buchman, please.

Oh, can I leave a message?

Tell her, her husband called and just say,

"I went to the thing... Sprockets. Sprockets."

S-- Just leave it "the thing".

"I went to the thing and I love you."

Not you, her. I don't know you.

I'm sure you're a very nice woman.

Just put down "I love you" and she'll know what's up.

Okay. Thank you very much.

-You ready? -Tell me I can do this.

Yes, you can. Look at me. Look at me. Hey.

-Huh? -Look at me.

You have very long lashes.

-A quick phone call. -All right. I said I was sorry.

-Gin! -Oh, now, come on, what is this?

Are you sure you never played Gin before?

No, I'm hustling you, sucker. I'm up four cents. Pay me.

Now, you could let me win one. It wouldn't kill you.

Actually, it would. You don't know me.

-Apparently not. -I'm very competitive.

I like winning. I hate losing.

Yeah, but to cheat at Gin, Jamie--

-I wasn't cheating. -It's a friendly game.

I wasn't cheating.

See? That's why I wanted to go with Paul tonight.

I gave him this whole speech about grace and dignity.

The truth is, I wanted him to win.

I know. I feel bad.

Oh, come on. It's not your fault

we're trapped in Croton, playing Gin.

Yeah, but I obviously don't mind it as much as you do.

Actually, I don't.

-No? -No. Gin!

MAN: I loved the film you did with the lion and the jackal,

and the jackal and the lion.

Lion, jackal. Jackal, lion. Lion, jackal.

Back and forth. Back and forth.

And who's gonna win? And who's gonna eat?

And all this time, I'm thinking,

"Why can't they all just get along?"

Tell me. What sort of films do you make?

-Oh, I'm not a filmmaker. -Really?

No, no, I'm a doctor. Gynecologist.

You know, we're thinking of starting a medical channel.

Perhaps you'd like to give us a call,

-share some of your thoughts. -Oh, that's great, yeah.

[COUGHING]

-Are you all right? -I'll be right back.

Can I have a beer so big,

it hurts you to lift it a little bit?

SARAH: Well, who knows better than you do? [LAUGHS]

I hate these things. I hate these things.

I hate these things.

How do you feel about these things? You like them?

I really don't.

Could I have a glass of champagne, please?

Champagne. That's what I should've had.

-What did you get? -I got a beer.

Oh, that's what I wanted, a beer.

Watch this.

Okay. So where's your date?

My date?

-Big guy, tuxedo. -Oh, my date.

Oh, he's not my-- Well, he's inside.

Champagne, that was a very good call.

So what do you do?

If I say I'm a filmmaker, will you think I'm pretentious?

-Of course. -Okay.

But only because I am too.

What, a filmmaker or pretentious?

Both.

Well, good for us then, huh?

I am pretentious filmmaker, Sarah.

Sarah, pretentious filmmaker, Paul.

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

I am going to go back inside, smile and be phony.

Let me see.

Hi. Oh, I saw your film. Love it, love it, love it.

That's very good. Go get 'em.

This is crazy. We're never gonna make it.

Yes, we will. The train'll be here any minute.

And so what at this point?

We're gonna get there, it'll be a thousand o'clock.

We'll shake three hands,

show our faces for eight seconds and get back on the train.

What difference does it make?

It makes a difference, Jamie. You know it does.

-Doug, I want to go home. -No, you can't.

-What about Brockwell? -Brockwell? What about him?

He's somewhere listening to Old Man River right now.

-[TRAIN WHISTLES] -See? That's our train.

No, it's not. That's the train back to the city.

-No, it's coming from that way. -No, it's coming from that way.

-I'll tell you what. -No.

Yes, if that's the train back to New York,

-we're getting on it. -That's not even an option.

Oh, come on. It's totally fair.

If that's the train back to the city,

-we get on it. -I cannot do that.

Well, I have to, and so should you.

Have a life for once in your life.

I do, such as it is, and it's that way.

Well, mine is that way.

[COUGHS]

Excuse me.

I've got an emergency C-section.

I'm gonna go with you.

You'd rather come with me to the hospital,

watch me perform a C-section,

than stay here, possibly win an award?

-Yes. -Can I tell you something?

-What? -That is sick.

-I wanna go with you. -You can't come with me.

-I'm gonna come with you. -You can't.

I have to.

You cannot come with me and that is final, Paul.

Now, I want you to march in there

and you sit yourself at the table there

like a young man. Do you understand me?

-Okay. -Okay.

All right. I'll see you later. Good luck.

Okay.

Hi, how are you? I admire your work very much.

Darling, you're a genius, and I don't say that word often.

Okay. That's enough. You want a beer?

-Please. -Two, please.

ANNOUNCER: The nominees for outstanding achievement

-in nature films-- -Is that your category?

Oh, yeah, I guess so.

You're not going to go back inside?

No. No, 'cause the truth is, I don't care.

Really, I don't. I don't care.

I don't care about any of this. It's just stupid, you know?

It's ridiculous. The whole thing is ridiculous.

Awards, you know? Awards, they're insulting.

They're insulting and stupid.

ANNOUNCER: And the winner isWeed,

Paul Buchman, Director.

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

Yeah! All right.

Boy, this feels really, really good.

Explorer Channel, this is for us, you know?

Couldn't have done it without you.

I really must say, the Explorer Channel,

I wanna thank them for their vision

and their moral fortitude,

and for believing in me, you know?

I was just a guy with a weed and a dream,

-and they made this-- -MAN: Yeah, Paul!

Yeah! Boy this is a...

Um...

Wait. Okay, you know,

I wanna say, when I was a kid, I will say this.

The very first time that I saw The Wizard of Oz,I--

-♪ [CELEBRATORY MUSIC PLAYS] -[APPLAUSE]

[PAUL CHEERS]

RECEPTIONIST: I'm sorry. There's no answer in that room.

Would you like to leave a message, sir?

Sir? Sir?

Sir?

-Hey. -Hey. You're back.

Hey, ta-da.

[CHUCKLES] Good for you.

Still don't care?

Well, boy, as bourgeois as it sounds,

I must tell you, it feels very good to win.

-You didn't know that? -No, no, I didn't.

I've never won anything ever, never.

-Losing's bad. Winning's good. -Yeah, there's no comparison.

-Well, enjoy it. I have to go. -What-- No, no.

You're not gonna leave now, are you?

Oh, yes, it's that time.

[STUTTERS] So, now a person like you,

if they're leaving, they would go where?

-Home? -Probably.

Why?

No why. I was just thinking,

and no implication here, but I was gonna leave,

so do you wanna maybe split a cab?

Actually, I thought I'd take a walk first.

Oh, okay. Do you want to split a walk?

You know what? It's okay. Better off. Forget it.

Very nice to meet you.

-Okay. -Okay.

-You sure? -Yeah, okay, I'm sure.

Okay.

What?

Take a walk?

The Thin Blue Line is really suspense film

-disguised as a documentary. -You know something?

You really are a little pretentious.

I told you so.

So what happens now? You're gonna actually go home?

Yes, shouldn't you?

I should. Yeah, I should.

I just don't particularly want to.

Well, what then?

We can't, can we?

No, we really can't.

Maybe some other time. No, maybe some other life.

I got a little voice inside my head right now.

-I just wanna kill. -[LAUGHS]

It's really loud. I can hear it too.

[CHUCKLES]

-I'm going to get into the cab. -Please.

-It was really nice meeting you. -Nice to meet you.

Okay, bye.

-Hi. -Hey, what are you doing here?

I came home.

-Did you get my message? -No, did you get mine?

-No. -I never went to Albany.

-I won. -I know. Congratulations.

How do you know?

Because I went to the banquet straight from the train station,

I must have just missed you.

-You went to the banquet? -Yeah.

-When was that? -I guess just after you left.

Come to bed. You can bring that with you.

Okay. I'll be right in.

-Okay. I love you. -I love you.

-Hey, James? -Yeah?

-I'll be right in. -Okay.