Original subtitles

Oh, you got a call.

-Oh yeah, who? -Andy Griffith.

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

-Who? -Andy Griffith?

-Andy Griffith? -Yeah, Andy Griffith.

Andy Griffith? I don't know Andy Griffith.

-Are you sure? -That's what he said.

Andy Griffith? Are you sure it was Griffith, "ith"?

Yes, Andy Griffith... "ith".

I don't know Andy Griffith. Why would he call me?

I don't know. Here's the number.

Andy Griffith.

-I'll dial it. -No, no, no, I'll do it.

-[PHONE BEEPS] -It's very strange.

Hello. Hi, is Andy Griffith there?

Randy Rifkin?

I had the TV on.

Hey, Randy.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

FRAN: Come on. Don't be shy.

-JAMIE: Okay. Are you ready? -Ready.

-BOTH: No, no, no, no. -Why not?

-Not sexy enough. -Too sexy.

She is going to the hospital for God sakes.

What? Victoria Secret models don't get sick?

-I think he might like it. -Work it, girl.

Here. Try something like this. This looks good.

Yeah, if I were Louisa May Alcott.

Excuse me.

Do you carry these in full figure sizes?

-You want that in full figure? -Yes.

-Is that for your wife? -Yes.

-She's a full-figured gal, huh? -Yes.

Yeah, right whatever. It's back there.

Thank you.

Wife, yeah, right.

Try this.

You don't want me to look good for Dr. Griffin.

What are you talking about?

Of course I want you to look good.

Why wouldn't I want you to look good?

But...You're his patient. He's your doctor.

-He's gonna operate on you. -It's not an operation.

It's a minor procedure. Five minutes and it's over.

The rest of the time I'm making an impression.

Hey, you know what? I once got my tooth pulled

just to meet a dentist.

-You did? -Yeah, it's the one right here.

Yeah, well, it's not appropriate.

Okay. How about this?

Honey, black for surgery?

I don't think that's the statement you wanna make.

-It's surgery, not a date. -It's a date.

She is lying there unconscious.

What? You've never been on a date like that before?

Listen to me, you. This is my thing.

I have to find out why I'm not getting pregnant.

You go and make your own appointment with him.

I might. I just might.

Oh, God, you guys are so pathetic.

It's just sad. Can I come?

Well, I never saw the memo.

Come on, Paulie, we've got to go.

It's not a memo that I saw.

Would you get off the phone already?

Nobody's saying you didn't send the memo.

Hollis, nobody is calling you a liar.

Hey, listen, you're the one who insisted

on taking James to the hospital.

I'm not gonna not be with James for this.

So get off the phone.

You know what, Hollis... Don't come down now.

Don't come down because this is really not--

Okay. Fine. Come on down now.

This guy is gonna suck the life right out of me.

Hey, Paulie, you got more of these pens?

-Why? -I really like this one.

It's got terrific action. Look at this.

[CLICKS PEN REPEATEDLY]

It's a pen.

-Can I have it? -Take the pen.

Good. Thanks. Come on, let's get you out of here.

I can't. He's gotta come over, he's got to yell at me first.

-What now? -Yeah.

I violated some company policy or something.

Oh, really? What'd you do?

Do you remember the commercial I shot for Jamie's boss?

It was a thing of beauty, Paulie.

Whatever. If seems there's a memo

that the company employees are not allowed

to align themselves publicly with political candidates.

Come on, Paulie. This guy is an idiot.

Yeah, but to such an extent you can't imagine.

What? You're going to stick around for him?

You're right. Let's get out of here.

Yeah, let's get out of here.

-I really do like this pen. -Keep the pen.

-Paul? -Hi, Hollis.

-Leaving early? -Ah...

-What are you writing now? -Nothing.

Because I'm in the middle of a little meeting.

-Uh-huh. Little meeting? -Is that against the rules now?

I sent out a memo about using company time

for meetings of a personal nature.

No, this is not personal. Actually, this is my agent.

-Your agent? -Yeah.

-Really? -Yeah.

-I don't believe we met. -No, I don't believe we have.

-I'm Hollis, Hollis Pavel. -Ira.

-Ira? -Unibal.

-Uniball? -Yes.

-Like the pen? -No, one "L".

Unibal. It's Portuguese.

-What agency are you with? -What agency? Unibal Talent.

I have no record of Paul having representation.

That's 'cause I just signed with him.

Yes, indeed, he did

and we could not be more excited.

You see, we see Mr. Buchman as a very valuable

and exceptionally talented--

-Please! You don't have to-- -No, no, no...

Lot of agents out there fighting for Mr. Buchman's signature

-as you well know. -Yeah, I didn't.

Well, there has been, and we are very excited

and feel privileged that he selected us.

So you went with Unibal, did you?

I did. I did because, Hollis, to me, it's really a question

of do you want to be a little fish in a big pond,

or a big fish in a little pond?

-So you chose the...? -Big fish tiny little pond.

Actually it's good that you're here, Mr. Uniball.

-Unibal. Unibal. -One L.

Because I came down to notify you, Paul,

of a little meeting we're gonna have

to discuss your breach of corporate policy.

That's gonna be at 2:30, upstairs.

-Is that today? -Yes.

-Oh, perhaps I should be there. -Yes, perhaps you should.

That's good. Terrific. Okay? 2:30, upstairs.

-IRA: Here we go. -Where did you get that pen?

What this? Actually, I don't remember. Why?

Oh nothing.

-Hey. -Hey, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I told you you didn't have to come.

Fran is going to take me.

Honey, I'm taking you. I want to take you.

-I thought you had work to do. -No.

-I thought you had a meeting. -It's not important.

I mean, you're going to the hospital.

You're having an operation.

It's not an operation. It's a minor procedure.

-Okay. Okay. What is this? -What?

This?

-That? Nothing. -I can see that.

-What is it? -You like it?

Yeah, but more, importantly,

I think the very handsome doctor boy is gonna love this.

-You think so? -Oh, yes.

Good. What slippers do you like? My blue ones or these?

-Sweetie? -What?

-It's an outpatient procedure. -I know.

So which sweater? The pink one or the gold one with buttons?

-Am I me or Dr. Griffin? -I'll just take both.

-Are you nervous? -No.

-Because you can be nervous. -I know.

-You're allowed to be nervous. -I know, but I'm not.

'Cause you're packing like we're going overseas here.

I just want options.

Well, I'm sure Dr. Griffin will be very impressed.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

-Who is that? Fran? -Yeah, let her in, will you?

I'm going with you.

I wanna be there when you wake up.

Hey.

Okay. Now, do I gotta go put on a tuxedo?

-What are you doing? -What? You don't like it?

-I can't believe you did this. -FRAN: What?

You went home and changed to impress Dr. Griffin.

He's that good looking?

-Yeah. -Oh, yeah.

-How's my lipstick? -It's very straight and even.

How's mine?

You're both very beautiful and perfect.

So unfair.

You're not coming in there with me.

TANNOY: Dr. Griffin, Dr. Griffin,

please report to pediatrics.

Oh, my God. Come on. Where's pediatrics?

That way.

Hey, Fran, are we going to lunch?

I'll be right back.

So what? So you decided to stay.

Yeah, she keeps telling me to go

but I don't think she wants me to--

-Oh, it's just a ruse. -It's a big ruse.

-Yeah, for your benefit. -She's putting on a brave face.

Exactly.

-How could we miss him? -I don't know.

-Pediatrics is so small. -You know, Jamie, there's--

TANNOY: Dr. Griffin, Dr. Griffin,

BOTH: Sh, sh, sh!

TANNOY: please report to the cafeteria.

-Where's the cafeteria? -This way.

See? See what you're seeing there?

Very common syndrome, very common.

You learn all about it first year of med school.

What? What is that?

The doctor as God, as deity.

You see, the patient comes in here

with fragile psyche.

And they have to build the doctor up

to uh, almost God-like status

describing to him super human qualities

so that in their mind,

they can trust the doctor with the operation.

It's just a minor procedure.

-You know what I'm saying. -Yeah.

So this whole hoopla about Griffin,

that's just a charade?

Oh, no. I mean, he's a good-looking fella,

-don't get me wrong. -No, no.

I'm not saying he's a piece of dog meat.

I mean, he's unquestionably a very handsome man.

-"Unquestionably"? -Although, between you and me,

I think he wears a little make-up.

-Make-up? -A little. A little base, yeah.

-Huh! -And maybe some eyeliner.

But the women they go nuts for this guy.

Boy, that is something.

And I'll tell you something.

He is no more attractive than you and me.

-Is that right? -Yeah, yeah.

in fact, you're looking terrific these days.

-So are you. -Me? Really? You think so?

Yeah, we're both good looking guys.

We are, yeah. What do you do to your hair?

It's like you blow dry it, it's fluffy. It's not flat.

-I got a certain cream I use. -Really?

-But you lost weight-- -No, you know what I do?

I do these ab crunches. They're not sit-ups.

They're like just crunches, you know, side to side.

-You know what the secret is? -What?

Little, very tiny. Less is more.

-Really? How many can you do? -Oh, I don't know, five, 6000.

The thing is, the guy, he's a surgeon.

You're a good-looking guy but if you're a surgeon,

then you're devastating.

So even like an ugly surgeon comes off as handsome?

Yeah, it's what kind of doctor you are.

Like an ugly surgeon is more handsome

than a handsome podiatrist.

-How can that be? -It's the way it is.

The doors closed so fast.

-Mr. and Mrs. Buchman? -BOTH: Yes.

-Would you follow me, please? -Now?

-Where's Dr. Griffin? -He'll see you inside.

Oh! I can't believe I missed him.

Hey, I'm not exactly a podiatrist.

Honey, you don't have to stay.

It's a minor procedure, right, Mark?

-Absolutely. -I'm going with you.

-Okay. Bye-bye. -Bye.

We'll see you afterwards.

Don't worry you're in good hands.

It'll be all over before you know it.

We'll see you when you get back.

We'll be waiting for you, all right?

-So don't you worry. -Good luck. I love you.

All right. Okay. Okay. That's enough. Let's go.

-Are we ready? -Yes.

Okay. Take everything off,

and I do mean everything and put this on.

-Ties go in the back. -Actually, I brought my own.

You did? Well, isn't that sweet? Put this on.

-It's not that bad, honey. -Why can't I wear my own?

Because this is a hospital, not the Playboy channel.

This would actually look very nice on you.

I'd like to talk to Dr. Griffin, please.

You can talk to him before you go into the OR.

-Now let's get a move on. -Why can't I talk to him now?

You see? It's all open in the back.

You got a nice breeze going there.

Also you have to take off all your jewelry

-and your make-up. -Why?

You look great without your make-up.

And we have a nice little pair of shoes for you too.

Pretty shoes. You like shoes.

Here's a pretty hat.

You're getting a whole outfit for crying out loud.

Okay. I'm not wearing this.

Honey, if you want the surgery, you don't have any choice.

It's not surgery. It's a minor procedure.

Whatever.

Now, are you going to cooperate or not?

Honey, why don't you just play along with them?

-Or do whatever you want. -I don't have time for this.

[KNOCKING]

What's the problem?

Mark, I wanna wear my own gown.

-Paul, let her wear the gown. -No, no, no, this one.

Oh, isn't this pretty?

-Lisa helped me pick it out. -Really?

-Nurse, let her wear the gown. -But, Doctor, that--

But what?

The woman is my patient and I'm telling you,

let her wear the gown. Is that understood?

-Yes, Dr. Devenaux. -Good.

-How about that, huh? -[PAUL WHISTLES]

Paulie, I'm telling you I can handle this.

-You're gonna go to my meeting? -IRA: Yes.

-And represent me? -IRA: Yes!

[HOSPITAL LOUDSPEAKER]

Okay. You know, don't you, this is not camp?

-This is like an actual job. -I understand.

Sort of like a livelihood kind of thing for me.

Paulie, come on, it's me and Hollis alone in a room.

How hard can it be? The man is an idiot.

You know, he actually believes that you're my agent.

I rest my case.

All right. Listen. Don't tell them

-what I'm doing today. -IRA: I won't.

Because we're keeping this kind of private.

-Paulie! -All right.

-So if he asks where I am-- -Hey, hey, hey,

has Ira Unibal ever let you down, ever?

Not since I signed with him, no.

Okay.

So relax, go kiss your wife. I'll talk to you later.

-All right. -IRA: Vaya con Dios.

Yeah, I'm good and screwed.

Everyone, this is Mr. Unibal.

Mr. Unibal, allow me to introduce you

to the board of directors.

The majority owners of the Explorer Channel.

[PHONE RINGS]

Nurses station. Mr. Buchman?

-Thank you. Hello? -Paulie, it's me.

Splinky, what sayest thou?

Listen man, we're up that bad, bad creek

without that crucial paddle.

Hollis talking tough?

Mon frere, it is more than just Hollis.

It's the entire board of the Explorer Channel.

-The board is there? -Yes, Paulie

and I have seen parole boards that look friendlier.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Haul thine arse down here

as swiftly as humanly possible, tout suite.

I can't!

Paulie, I'm telling you as your agent.

Alright, you know what? Just stall them.

Stall them and I'll call you back.

-IRA: All right. -Okay.

-[MACHINES BEEP] -NURSE: There you go.

Are you starting to feel relaxed?

Yesh. I mean yesh.

Yesh. I want to say yesh but I'm saying yesh.

It's just the sedative kicking in.

-DR. GRIFFIN: Hello, Jamie. -Hi, Dr. Griffin!

So how is my patient? Are they treating you okay?

Hi, Dr. Griffin!

We'll be starting in just a minute.

-When? -Now don't be nervous.

Everything will be fine.

ANESTHETIST: Mrs. Buchman, this won't hurt a bit.

Okay. Now listen to me.

The problem is I have a very high tolerance.

I need more than the average dosage to put me out, really.

Okay. Now, Mrs. Buchman, count backwards from ten.

Ten.

Um, how would I page a doctor?

-Who do you want to page? -Dr. Devenaux.

-Dr. Devenaux? -Yeah.

Thank you.

-Paul-- -Listen, I've got an emergency.

-What? -FRAN: James?

No, no, no. She's fine. She's still in surgery.

I just got a thing at the office.

I might be in big trouble.

Jamie, will be asleep for hours.

-You swear? -Absolutely.

I wanna be there when she wakes up.

The minute she starts to come to, we'll beep you.

-You swear? -We both swear.

-Okay. All right. Thank you. -No, no problem.

DR. GRIFFIN: Did you see ERlast night?

ANESTHETIST: Mm, yeah.

See Chicago Hope?

DR. GRIFFIN: That show hasn't worked for me

since Mandy Patinkin left.

You know, I bought 3000 shares of that--

-Excuse me? -Yeah?

Could you pay a little more attention to me, please?

DR. GRIFFIN: Don't worry. I am.

Well, you're talking about your golf game

and your stock markets,

what you watched on TV last night.

-You have a problem with that? -Yeah, you're operating on me.

It's not really an operation. It's just a minor procedure.

Well, would you just watch what you're doing, please.

Don't worry. I'm very good at this.

So how am I doing, doc?

I don't wanna get sued or anything.

You won't. I just want to know. I need to know.

You won't quote me when you're awake?

I won't quote you. I won't quote you.

Everything seems to be in working order.

-Really? -So far.

So you're saying I'm all right? I can have children?

I'm saying there don't seem to be any medical problems.

What does that mean?

It means when the time is right, one way or another,

you'll have children.

Can you do me one more little favor?

What?

-Can you take off the mask? -No.

-Oh, come on. -Can't.

Yes, you can. Please take off the mask.

I'm all scrubbed up and everything.

Do me one big favor and take off the mask.

-[HE SIGHS] -All right. Go ahead.

♪ [ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYING]

JAMIE: Wow, you're gorgeous!

DR. GRIFFIN: My broker said Medatron was the way to go.

When I checked the stock market this morning,

it dropped four points.

If I could just find a broker as good as my golf instructor.

Hi, hi, sorry. I got here as soon as I could.

Well, well, here we are. Okay, Paul, tell them.

Yeah, okay, um...

Tell them why you violated company policy

to shoot that political endorsement.

Okay.

-Um, you see I... -Tell them why, Paul. Why?

Because, gentlemen, my client was led astray.

-Yes. By whom you ask. -By who?

By me. I led him astray. I, Ira Unibal.

-You know what, Ira-- -No, no, no, Paul.

Better to let them know the truth

than to let them live in a shroud of deception.

Yeah, I suppose that is true.

I told him I had been given clearance

by everybody in the company, by everyone who is of import

who needed to give me that clearance,

and, folks, it humbles me to have to admit this, but...

I lied.

Yes, I lied to my client.

I lied to my friend.

But most of all, I lied to you.

It's Unibal, one "L", one "L".

-You lied? -Yes.

-You never spoke to them. -Never.

-I never had clearance? -Never.

So I'm out there shooting, I had no clearance from them at all?

None.

I'm horrified. Believe me. I'm mortified.

I am horrified.

I am just mortified and horrified both.

Horrified. I'm mortified. I'm ossified. Is that a word?

Well, I'm mortified and horrified for sure.

That I let myself be duped,

that I was represented by this man

whose ways and tactics were not fully known to me

and then I let him represent me and damage my reputation

and damage your reputation

and the bond that we've all worked so hard here

at the Explorer Channel to achieve.

-I admit Mis-- -Unibal.

Let me just say that you are hereby summarily dismissed.

-But-- -No buts, no buts.

As of this moment, I am no longer represented

-by Unibal Talent. -But--

What did I say? No buts.

Just get out of here, it's as if we never met!

I can only...

What can I do? I apologize, you know?

-I apologize to you. -We had no idea.

-Believe me, you know, myself... -We should apologize to you.

Well, I don't know if that's...

-If I may just say a few-- -Hollis?

-Sorry. -It's all right. No apology.

You know, I'm certainly glad we settled this issue

and I have some previous commitments,

so I really must bid you all

a very good afternoon. Thank you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

-You were very good. -Ossified?

Hey, James. Hey.

Oh, it's you. It's you, it's you.

How you doing? You okay?

I think so. Did you talk to Dr. Griffin?

I talked to him in the hall,

and he said everything seems to be perfect.

Really? He didn't find anything?

Nothing.

-Yay. -Yay!

So there's nothing wrong with me?

-No. -Yay...

-So how come we're not pregnant? -Oh, don't go there.

-Well no if there's nothing-- -Sweetie, we have good news.

-Let it be for five minutes. -Sorry.

Come on. Just think about something nice.

What do you think of Dr. Griffin?

Could you look up a number for me, please?

It's the Unibal Talent Agency.

It's Unibal, Unibal, one "L". It's Portuguese.

Right? Interesting, no listing?

Right. How about in Queens?

So there's no Unibal Talent Agency

listing in New York. Interesting.

How about New Jersey? Okay. All right.

Well, would you look? Nothing?

So what you're saying here is there is no Unibal Talent Agency

listing in the country? Okay. Thank you.

You know what? Could you just check Portugal?

Really?