Original subtitles

[SUCKING AND CHEWING]

-Honey? I want a divorce. -I'll stop.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Honey, come on. The doctor says it's only good for 45 minutes.

It's so stupid. I know exactly what the results are gonna be.

-I'm sure you're right. -They're gonna tell me

I have everything I need to manufacture a baby.

Yeah, it's right in there.

Thank God I practiced a lot in high school.

You put it in a cooler?

-So? -So why?

-Because. -Because why?

Because this way, it looks more dramatic.

It looks like a heart transplant.

It looks like a picnic.

-What are you gonna mock me now? -I'm sorry.

You know how many potential babies are in here?

-How many? A billion? -A billion.

No, exaggeration. That's right. A billion potential babies.

Listen. With what's inside this cooler,

I could populate a whole distant planet,

start a whole race of Buchmen.

I'm sure you could. We have 45 minutes.

All right. Do you have the address?

-I don't have the address. -[INTERCOM BEEPS]

I wrote it down on a piece of paper.

-Hello. -LISA: It's me. You ready?

-Who's that? Lisa? -LISA: Yeah.

Why is your sister coming with us?

She's not. She's just gonna drop us at the hospital,

then she's borrowing the car.

I told Ira he could take the car if he drove us to the hospital.

As long as we get to the hospital,

-I don't really care. -[INTERCOM BEEPS]

-Just a second. -LISA: Want me to come up?

Tell her we'll be right down.

-We'll be right down. -LISA: Okay. Then hurry.

-Okay, Lis, you know what? -LISA: Whatever.

[SIGHS]

Did you tell her why we're going?

-She's my sister. -All right.

So you and me, your sister and Ira,

and a cooler full of love.

What could be more pleasant than that?

-Where are you going? -Soda.

You're the one who didn't wanna do this at the hospital.

-Not doing it in there. -Well, okay then.

Hospitals, as you know, are for sick people,

and this is the act of a healthy, healthy man.

I don't need a whole ward full of people watching me.

-Nobody is watching you. -What do you think?

They don't have two way mirrors?

Honey, I don't think that's the best place for--

Oh, hey.

I just don't like hospitals. Know what I mean? It's just--

They're cold and nasty and things happen.

-You know, my friend's-- -I know.

-Your friend's uncle, I know. -That's exactly right.

Andy Caster's uncle?

The man goes into the hospital for a simple blood test.

Next thing you know, he's in a home somewhere.

He's wearing a bib and barking.

Honey, nobody knows what happened.

You've got him barking now.

Well, whatever it was. It wasn't good.

Listen, when we get there, you let me do all the talking.

-Fine. -Okay.

I want you to be there. I just don't want you...

-right there. -Fine.

Just saying I may need a little space.

I will give you space. Let's go.

Honey, that doesn't work when you do that, usually.

-Lis? -Hey, I decided to come up.

-We said we'd be right down. -I wanted to come up.

You guys have the greatest elevator. It's so slow.

Hey. Wait till I tell you this story.

I can't wait.

-Honey, that also doesn't work. -Well, something works.

-WOMAN: Hold the lift, please. -Oh. Oh.

-What are you doing? -What?

-We're in a hurry. -Sorry. It was a reflex.

Oh, thank you so much.

[SIGHS] Oh, Hal!

He's a bit slow on the uptake this morning.

Hal?

Thing is, we're in a little bit of a hurry.

-I won't be a second. -Let the door close.

-Just hit the button and let go. -That's not nice.

Oh, I'll do it. I'll do it. Hey, lady, you're in America.

Get with the program.

-WOMAN: Hey-- -Ta-ta.

-I asked you to hold the lift. -[CLANKING]

-Paul? -Paul?

The button didn't work.

[DOORS CLOSE]

Picnic.

You're going on a picnic?

-Yeah. Mm. -HAL: Today?

It's 40 degrees outside.

Uh, indoors.

-An indoors picnic? -Yeah.

I thought for a second you were transporting

human donor organs in there. [CHUCKLES]

That's funny you say that,

because that's actually what this is.

What? A human organ?

Yes. Yeah, it's a heart.

No, it's not.

It's a liver.

-No. -It's a small liver.

You're teasing.

A human thumb.

Oh, my goodness. I forgot my umbrella.

Oh, well, better run upstairs and retrieve it, shouldn't you?

[LIFT BEEPS]

Come on.

-It's not really a thumb, is it? -You want to know what it is?

[INDISTINCT WHISPERS]

I told them.

-Oh, no. -PAUL: I can't believe this.

-IRA: Why? You can make it. -I'm totally blocked in.

Why? What are you talking about? There's all sorts of room.

-I can't get out of this spot. -Well, it's a piece of cake.

-I don't think this is doable. -Of course, it's doable.

Come on, slugger, you can make it.

-There's plenty of room. -There really isn't.

Honey, let's just take a cab.

Well, why even have a car if we're not going to use it?

-What if there's traffic? -So what?

Then I can't get stuck in traffic as good as a cab?

-We have 38 minutes. -You're not blocked in.

-You want me to get the car out? -I'll do it.

All right. I will do it. I will do it.

I need to get a cup of coffee.

-I'm not myself-- -No, no, no. There's no time.

I'm woozy.

You're not woozy. That's the way you are.

Excuse me? Sorry, is this your truck?

-PAUL: Honey. -I drive it.

Okay. Pal, listen.

My brother-in-law has got a cooler full--

-Okay, okay. -You can't squeeze through?

With the car? No.

-He couldn't, but I could. -Me too.

You could not.

-It is definitely doable. -Definitely.

-It's not doable. -Do you think it's doable?

Between you and me, doable.

-Wait. Please. -All right. Look.

We've got stuff in there. We've gotta move it out,

and move it over there,

and after we're finished, I'll happily move the truck.

-Okay. How long will that take? -Four to seven minutes.

-Four to seven minutes? -We have four to seven minutes.

See, we're making can a movie here.

I know that Mr. Lumet will be very grateful.

-Sidney Lumet? -That's right.

Sidney Lumet? Big deal.

[MOCKING] Sidney Lumet's making a movie.

-It's a movie. -You know what?

Just because you're making a movie

doesn't mean you own the streets.

Sidney Lumet. Who cares?

As will Mr. Pacino.

-Al Pacino? -Oh. That's hush-hush.

Okay. Listen. We'll go grab a quick cup of coffee,

-and by the time we're done... -We'll be gone.

There you go.

-What's the matter with you? -Quick cup of coffee.

You're the one who didn't wanna do this at a hospital.

It's not gonna happen in a hospital.

I'm gonna call them and tell them we're on the way.

Coffee. Fast or I'll kill you.

-Hey, what about my story? -What?

What's wrong with you? Are you okay?

Nothing. Just a little nervous. Back in a minute.

Okay. Then I'm gonna tell you my story.

-Are you going on a picnic? -What? Oh.

Hey, Lis, hang onto this for one second?

Oh, no, no, no.

You're a child. You're a big baby.

Funny thing about this car...

Seats a billion.

-You want to come with us? -No, thanks.

All right. Keep an eye on the car?

All right. You're welcome.

So tell me, Paulie. Tell me about the tests.

-What do they do? -I don't know. They...

They have a microscope, and then they look

and they count.

And they tell you what?

They tell you if you're percolating or...

-Making decaf? -Exactly.

-Passing bad checks? -Whatever.

Signing your name with invisible ink?

All right. I get it. I get it.

I mean, I have no reason to believe that, that--

That you're playing poker without any chips.

Yeah.

And as far as I know, I'm, you know, perfectly fine.

Yeah, well, I suppose.

What does that mean?

Well, you know, you probably blocked it out of your memory.

Like what?

Paulie, little league, nine years old?

The fast ball you took in the pants from Bob Cazuda?

What are you talking about?

That's like 20-- Whatever years ago.

Yeah, but that boy could really bring it.

You remember how hard he threw.

-Hey, those were my pants. -But you know what?

To your credit, the whole time you crawled to first base,

not even a whimper.

You remember that? Both teams stood and applauded.

-BARISTA: Java ready. -[CASH REGISTER BEEPS]

You think that actually could have done some damage?

Well, Paulie, it couldn't have helped.

Do me a favor. Don't mention this to Jamie.

-Why is that? -Because she'll get mad.

What? That you took a hard one in the grapes?

Believe me.

We can't have a kid because I was crowding the plate.

Paulie, you were protecting the strike zone.

-Just don't tell her. -BARISTA: Who's next?

-Come on, go with the flow here. -PAUL: We'll be fine.

I need 47 house blends, 28 regular cappuccinos,

17 decaf cappuccinos, 14 mocha javas,

seven cafe lattes, four double espressos...

-MAN: Pacino wants a tea. -...and a tea.

-All right. So where's Jamie? -Where's Lis?

More, importantly, where's my car?

Hey, how're we do-- Hey.

Al Pacino's a total-- Hey.

See, Paulie? Doable.

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: Gabby Gilmore to emergency...

I feel like I was invited to a party,

and the only one who didn't bring anything.

Honey, the car was stolen. What are you gonna do?

Well, I didn't wanna do this.

-Hey, can you break a hundred? -What?

-Can you break a hundred? -No.

-Can you break a 50? -PAUL: No.

-How about a 20? -I don't have it.

-Ten? -Can't.

-Five? -I don't have it.

-Change for a dollar? -I don't have any change.

-Lend me a quarter. -What did I just say?

-Dime? Nickel? -I don't have it.

-Lis. -You're lying.

-Are you lying? -[SCOFFS]

Lisa, I have a quarter.

Quarter? What am I gonna do with that?

-Can you break a hundred? -It's all right. Excuse us.

[VOICE OVER INTERCOM SPEAKS IN BACKGROUND]

-Hey. -Where you been?

Scoping out the place.

Man, they got some nice nurses here, Paulie.

Much nicer than Saint Vincent's, I'm telling you.

Next time I need something removed,

this is the place.

-I believe that's their motto. -It's a good one.

Hey, maybe you'll get lucky,

get one of those nice, sexy nurses

with the tight white uniforms and the short skirt

and white stockings with the seam up the back

-and no shoes. Paulie? -DOCTOR: Mr. Buchman?

I'm Nurse Wadowich.

Or maybe him.

I'll show you to the depository.

-The depository? [GROANS] -The depository?

[SIGHS]

All right, honey,

-I'm going in. Wish me luck. -Okay.

I'll be waiting for you when you get back.

Yeah.

All right. Let's do it.

I think you'll find everything you need...

magazines, video tapes, dimmer switch.

Even left a little mint for you near the tissue box.

-Enjoy your stay. -Thank you.

My sense is you enjoy your work?

Yeah, it's very fulfilling.

Do me a favor, don't dilly-dally, okay?

We've got a lot of people waiting today.

Yeah, thank you. I need that extra pressure.

What can I tell you? Next time bring it in from home.

[GROANS]

Oh, there we go.

Clench, Funky,

Slap and Tickle.

Slapping and tickling.

Slapping, tickling.

Little tickle, little slap.

[WHISTLING]

[SIGHS]

-[KNOCKING ON DOOR] -Hey! Somebody's in here!

IRA: Paulie, open the door.

-What's the matter? -I just wanted to see.

See what?

-The depository. -There's nothing to see.

-What do you got there? -Nothing.

Oh, Slap and Tickle.

There's a very interesting article,

an essay on the history of slapping.

[LAUGHS]

This is just so weird. Oh, man, you've got tapes.

Well, I'm supposed to do something very personal

and yet, everybody in the world knows about this.

Seen it. Seen it.

Oh, this one I've got on a waiting list.

Hey, Lust of the Mohicans.

My whole life, I was told it's a sin.

Now it's covered by insurance.

NEWSCASTER: Once again, if you've just joined us,

we are bringing you breaking news.

-I'm Bill McHenry... -Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

...live from News-copter Four.

Over two dozen area police units

are racing through the streets of Manhattan

in what appears to be a high-speed pursuit

of a vehicle stolen this morning from the location

of the latest Al Pacino...

Paulie, that's your car.

How did he get out of that spot?

Hey, so you ready?

-For what? -My story.

So you know my boss, Mr. Klarik? Okay.

He comes up to me and he says, "Lisa, I've got a problem."

I said, "Hey, If you need to fire somebody, Mr. Klarik,

I'll do it for you." Right? He goes, "No, no, no."

His son has been thrown out of his fourth college.

You know, like Harvard and Yale and...

What's the color one?

-Brown? -Yeah, Brown. Yeah.

All them, right?

So he doesn't know what to do with him.

So he's gonna take him into the business, right?

Okay. So he says,

"Lisa, you've been such a strong influence on our employees,

I thought I'd put you in charge of Sam."

For that's the kid name, right?

So I said, "Sure. I'll show him the ropes."

So, the kid shows up. He's about 23.

Stunning, charming, worth about 400 mill.

-$400 million? -Yeah.

Anyway, one thing leads to another.

Next thing I know, he and I are, like...

♪ [BEATBOXING]

Wait. You and the heir of the Klarik'’s fortune?

Yes. I must fill some kind of void in his life,

because this is not just a casual thing.

He's obsessed with me.

The heir to the Klarik'’s fortune is obsessed with you?

Yeah, actually, he's not just obsessed.

-He wants to marry me. -Wait a minute.

The heir to the Klariks' fortune wants to marry you?

Yeah. Can you believe it?

-400 mill. -[SNAPS FINGERS]

Hey, you got a quarter?

-[SIRENS BLARING] -[INDISTINCT NEWSCASTING]

My sample is riding shotgun in that car.

That would make your sample an accomplice.

Do you realize if this guy runs into a woman who's ovulating?

I got a paternity suit on my hands.

NEWSCASTER: There's some sign of a roadblock,

but the driver is not slowing down.

PAUL: He's gonna smash up my car.

Look at him drive. He's like Mario Andretti.

Honey, what is-- What are you doing?

Close the door. Close the door.

That's our car. It's in a high-speed chase.

-JAMIE: Oh, my God. -James, this guy has no fear.

NEWSCASTER: He somehow maneuvered the car

through this space between the police cars,

with the authorities still in pursuit.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-Hey, look a quarter. -Hi.

-What are you doing? -Close the door. Close the door.

Our car is involved in a high-speed chase.

-Cool. I wanna watch. -PAUL: Sure.

Now, she wants to watch the car.

I'm telling you, this guy is driving

like Gene Hackman in The French Connection.

Man, he's not gonna make it. He's not gonna make it.

No, he's gonna make it. He'll make it.

-[SKIDS AND CRASHES] -[ALL GROAN]

NEWSCASTER: The vehicle has just side-swiped

a series of parked cars and flipped over.

Now, the police are slowly approaching this vehicle.

There's no movement from within.

A cooler of some kind has rolled out...

Now, the bomb squad is moving in.

-[HELICOPTER WHIRRING] -[MEN SHOUTING]

They're gonna blow up my sample.

-Mr. Buchman! -My sample's on TV.

Give me another chance. I didn't mean to fool around.

I'm sorry. The depository is not a play room.

This is the only space I have available right now.

Listen. Could I bribe you or something?

No.

This is too humiliating. I can't.

Look, Buchman, you blew it, okay?

If you want your results today, this is it.

This is so public. Anybody can walk in at any time.

It's okay, sweetie. I'll cover you.

[SIGHS]

All right. I'm going in.

[FLY BUZZES]

Sorry. He's gonna be a couple of minutes.

[BANGING]

It's gonna be a couple of minutes.

I can't concentrate.

There's a fly in there the size of an owl.

Well, maybe I can help.

I'm desperate.

Tell me what you want me to do. I'll do anything.

You remember that hotel in the Poconos?

In '92, in the spring?

That?

Would you?

Well...

♪ I wanna be loved by you

♪ Just you and nobody else will do ♪

♪ I wanna be loved by you, alone ♪

♪ Pu-pu-pi-do

-I wanna be-- -Just a little louder.

♪ I want to be loved by you...

What is it about that song?

I don't know, but it worked.

-Thank you. -[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Buchman, I have your results. 20 million per milliliter.

-Honey? -20 mill.

-What does that mean? -I don't know what that means.

Yeah, very good.

You have high motility, good morphology.

-Everything is good. -Seriously?

No, I'm joking.

Well, thank you very much.

J, what did I say, huh? I got billions of them.

We're great.

I gotta get a new cooler, but otherwise, we're fine.

I'm so relieved. I love you so much.

And what?

-What? -What's the matter?

What? Nothing.

Hey, I know you. What?

It's not that. We're fine.

Yeah, you're fine.

Hey.

♪ ["I WANNA BE LOVED BY YOU" PLAYS] ♪

Did you leave it in something like this?

No.

Well, how about this?

No.

Well, maybe it's this.

No.

Oh, here we go. This?

No.

Look. I think it had a handle.

There it is.

Thanks.