Original subtitles

What do you think Janson's doing right now?

-Janson who? -Our dermatologist.

What's he doing?

Yeah. What's he doing right now?

Right now, 10:30 in the middle of the night?

Yeah.

Sleeping? Watching TV?

Come on, you can do better than that.

Okay. Janson...

Janson is roaming the streets with some cream and a laser.

And he's removing things from people,

but without their permission, almost against their will.

And then he runs, he runs away. And he has a mask

so you can't recognize him. And the police chase him

but he's fast like the wind so eludes them.

You're very good to me.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Can I just say that right now,

I have everything I need in life.

I've got my special K.

I got a pretty girl who likes me,

sport section of the Times.

Want to try the Honey Nut Bran?

No, Cereals with a K, can't beat them.

Want the front section?

Sports section, happy, happy.

Nine thousand other fascinating items in the paper.

Yeah, but you know what? Nah.

"Deep Freeze Grips Southern States."

So? It's the south. It will pass.

"Hillary Clinton Embattled." She's embattled.

Can't you just leave her alone, the nice lady.

"Malaysia Signs Trade Pact."

-Babe. -JAMIE: All right, all right.

[PHONE RINGS]

Look at this, "Nickel Increase in Subway Token Expected."

This is the thing I worked on with Brockwell.

-Hello. -Hey, it's me.

-Hey, Mark. -How you doing?

-How you doing? -I'm good. I'm good.

-You doing good? -I'm fine. I'm good.

-You doing good? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-It's good. Except-- -What?

-Nah... Nothing. -What?

-No, no, it's nothing. -It's not nothing--

It's stupid. I don't know why I bring it up...

-Tell me. What is it? -It's Fran.

-Fran? -Fran.

-What? -And Ira.

Fran and Ira?

When is he gonna stop with that?

Mark, can I... I promise you it is over with those guys.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, so you keep saying,

so they keep saying, right?

But the thing is, yesterday, I'm over at Fran's, right?

And who stops by, just out of the blue,

out of nowhere?

-Ira? -Ira.

Well, listen, they're friends.

Yeah, you see, I don't buy that.

-What is there not to buy? -No, I don't buy that.

-Mark, they're friends. -Who stops in the middle--

People go to each other's homes--

And it's upsetting me. I'm telling you.

And I'll tell you something.

-I'll tell, you. -What?

I'm starting to understand crimes of passion.

[BEEP]

You know? Hold that very important thought.

The thing is beeping. Hold on.

Look. "Nickel increase would fund street renaming."

-What? Hello. -Hey.

Hey, Splinky, how is it to be you?

-Iris. -Iris?

She's killing me.

You know what? Hold on one second.

-Iris. She's killing him. -Hey.

Hey. Okay. So now she won't talk to me.

-What did you do? -I don't know.

She won't talk to me.

All right. Just wait on one second.

-What should I do? -This is Brockwell's big plan

to save the city, rename the streets?

-What do you want me to do? -I'll call Mark back.

Hang on. One second.

Mark, Okay. This is how over it is.

Ira now on the other phone, complaining.

He's being tortured by another woman.

Really?

I swear to you right now on the other line, tortured.

Oh, if I could only believe that.

-Why wouldn't you believe it? -It's not that.

It's just something that's getting me upset.

Okay. Okay. Call me back. Call me back.

It's like talking to a neurotic auctioneer.

-Ira? -Yeah.

I ask her like a hundred times what's wrong.

-Every time, the same answer. -What?

Nothing. Nothing. Don't you understand?

She will not talk to me.

"Major streets to be given names like Avenue of the Americas."

"Avenue of the Americas"? Have you been there?

They should just call it, "Run For Your Life Boulevard."

I mean, she'll just make faces. It's like dating Harpo Marx.

[BEEP]

I'm sorry, you got to hang on one second.

-Hello. Hey. -Hey.

-It's mine or yours? -Mine.

Oh, it's Special K time.

-What's going on? -It's Mark.

He's upset about Ira again because Ira came over--

And Mark was there. I heard.

Ira was returning a crock pot.

Fran, are you sure it's over between you and Ira?

-Yes. -All right. Hold on a minute.

Are you sure it's over between you and Fran?

-Absolutely. -All right. Hang on a minute.

-She says hello by the way. -Oh, hello back.

Here's what we'll do. We'll have dinner.

The six of us, you and Mark, Me and Paul, Ira and Iris.

This way, Mark will see that it's really over

and we'll make nice to Iris and she'll talk to Ira again.

-That's a great idea. -All right, hold on.

We'll have dinner. The six of us.

You and Iris, me and Paul, and Mark and Fran.

This way, Mark will see that's it's really over.

We'll make nice to Iris

and she'll start talking to Ira again.

That's a great idea.

Honey, we're gonna have dinner.

The six of us, you, me, Mark, Fran, Ira and Iris.

That's not a good idea.

It will help knit them together.

-I don't wanna knit. -Hang on a minute.

-He thinks it's a great idea. -BOTH: Who?

-Ira. He says hello by the way. -Oh, tell him hello.

I did. You'll speak to Mark?

-I'll speak to Mark. -Okay.

-Honey? -I'll speak to you.

-I'll speak to you. -All right.

-Honey? -Hang on.

-So you'll speak to Iris? -Yeah, I'll speak to Iris.

She won't speak to me, I'll speak to you.

-I'll speak to you. -All right.

Honey, can I speak to you?

Can you just explain one thing to me. Honey?

-Honey? -What?

Pick up.

-Who is it? -Me.

-What? -Why are we doing this?

Because they're our friends.

Yeah, but it's gonna be, for us, an evening guaranteed pain.

-But we're their glue people. -What?

We hold them together, our little circle of friends.

-That's our job. -How did we get that job?

Because we're the least crazy.

Yeah, but by a little, by so little.

I think... They look up to us, I think, socially.

-They look up to us? -Don't you think, a little?

Huh! I don't know. Let me think about it.

I'll call you back from the living room.

MAN: And so the swans of the Central Park boat pond

stagger toward extinction

while New York turns an unfeeling ear.

-That's so sad. -[PHONE RINGS]

It's so sad.

-Hello. -JAMIE: Put your TV on?

What?

JAMIE: Two, four, seven, eleven or New York one.

-Put your TV on. -Why?

JAMIE: What is the big deal? Put your TV on!

All right. All right. All right.

First of all, let me say thank you...

-Hey. -Hi.

-Look at you. You're on TV. -I'm on TV.

-Look at you. Look at her. -She looks damn good.

Wait a second. You're on TV

-and yet you're talking to me. -I know.

[CHUCKLES] So, so signal me or something.

Do something that, like, only I can know.

Okay. Okay. Watch. You ready?

I love

Greek dancing?

-You, you, you. You love me. -I do. I do. I do.

-She loves me. -She's a fine young woman.

Can you do something else? Do something else?

All right. Watch this. Watch very closely.

This is the first human breast ever

on live television.

Get out of here.

-Ready? -PAUL: Yeah.

[CHEERS]

-Hey, this is fun. -It's a whole lot of fun.

What are you looking at?

What are you doing there?

Just been making calls about the dinner.

Oh, boy, this dinner.

Fran is nervous because she's afraid

Mark's gonna be uncomfortable but I mollified her.

I have decided to seek the office

of Mayor of New York City.

I'll mollify Mark.

-And then I'll see you later. -One second.

My special assistant, Doug Berkus,

and my campaign chairpeople,

Ms. Jamie Buchman and Ms. Fran Devenow.

The dinner will be fun but we--

-James? -What?

I have to go.

I am a campaign manager for a candidate

for the office of the Mayor of the City of New York.

You are very telegenic, may I say that?

You wanna hear my--

-My idea for this campaign? -Yes, shoot.

Paul Buchman directs Lance Brockwell's commercials.

-Oh, no, no, no. -Oh, why? You'd be perfect.

-Oh, no. No, no, no. -Oh, come on. You're a genius.

You'd work so much harder than some higher...

No, wait. Before you say no just hear me out.

Okay.

Please.

Sweetie, it's politics. I'm not, you know...

I'm against... I'm not... I'm like anti. I'm non--

-You're apolitical. -Apolitical.

I don't-- I mean, you know, I'm Switzerland.

You know what I mean? I don't get involved.

Switzerland would get involved under certain circumstances.

-Like what? -Like if it's wife asked it to.

You know what? Plus, I've got to say.

I'm not that crazy about Brockwell.

-Really? -Yeah.

To me, he's a little officious.

Officious?

Yes, that's a word I'm proud to know.

Well, he is not officious, at worse, he's indefatigable.

-Is this like a contest now? -And that's at worst.

Plus, that whole renaming the streets thing...

It's a symbolic gesture. It will make people feel good.

It raises their subway prices. It will make them feel broke.

And it's not just street renaming.

They're building that school in Staten Island.

They're gonna get rid of those awful plates

-on 8th Avenue. -8th Avenue?

You mean, Sophie Tucker Drive?

It's a nickel.

It's the principle of it.

Plus, and this is the clincher for me,

it said in the article,

because I'm reading all the sections now,

it says Brockwell in 1993,

he was the Commissioner of Parks.

1993 is exactly the year that the city turned its back

on the swans, the little darling swans

in the Central Park boat pond.

So, are you saying you're gonna vote for Giuliani?

Yes.

Well, obviously it's your vote to do with it as you please.

Oh, thank you.

But that would be a crushing mistake.

-I don't believe it would. -Well, I know

that it would be a crushing mistake.

Brockwell is smarter than Giuliani.

-He has vision. -Vision of what?

Streets with new names?

-Come on, the Nazis did that. -Oh, don't start with the Nazis.

-Well, they did. -You always do that.

You're gonna play the Nazi card now?

I'll tell you something else. The Nazis were officious--

That is the cheapest way.

That is the cheapest way to win an argument.

-You just call in the Nazis. -Only when it's appropriate.

You think I couldn't win an argument that way?

Listen, what's the big deal?

So, we'll vote for different mayors.

-Is that, like, a big deal? -It is a big deal.

Don't you agree that our personal politics

are reflections of our moral color

and that moral and intellectual compatibility

are elementally important?

I don't know what you just said.

-A crushing mistake. -Do you think so?

You should be supporting your spouse. I support you.

Well, that's different.

What are you gonna be? Anti-swan?

All right. Fine. You know what, vote for whoever you want.

Thank you.

-It's a crushing mistake. -There it is.

A nickel. That's all he said.

One puny, little nickel.

And besides, Brockwell is more educated than Giuliani.

He has more class than Giuliani.

He's gonna make New York, New York again,

fun city, the big apple, Gotham.

I've never been more frightened in my life.

All I'm saying is just meet with Berkus.

Let him tell you a little bit about Brockwell.

How long have you been waiting there?

If after that, you still don't believe in him

and you don't wanna do the spots,

then I promise you, the issue is closed forever.

-We'll just agree to disagree. -Okay.

-You'll meet with Berkus? -Yeah, just stop yelling at me.

You won't be sorry.

Look, I appreciate it, I really do and I love my wife,

but I just got to tell you, I'm not interested.

I understand, I understand completely.

No. You're just saying that

so you can talk to me into directing

-this Brockwell commercial. -No, no,

I respect your opinion, Paul. I really do.

Hey, look, that street renaming thing,

not Brockwell's finest hour.

Come on. Emerson Boozer Avenue.

Oh, and he did turn his back

on the swans at the boat pond, huh?

-I know and that is so sad. -So sad.

And believe me, Paul, he feels terrible about it,

-he really does. -All right. I believe you.

WAITER: Here you go.

Look. I am a big fan of Jamie's as is Lance,

and if Jamie tells me you're the man

to direct this commercial then you tell me

what I got to do to make it happen. Okay?

Doug, I don't know what to tell you.

When you get right down to it,

our visions of New York City really aren't that far apart.

-They're not? -No, no, no, listen.

-Hear me out on this. Okay? -Okay.

We see a shining New York City.

Well, who doesn't?

A New York in which optimism has replaced bleakness.

-That would be nice. -In which we face tomorrow

with a spring in our step,

knowing that we live in the greatest town in the world.

-And don't we? -And we do.

And we want people to recapture that magical way

that we all used to feel about New York, huh?

-Yeah, yeah. -DOUG: Do you remember

-when you were a kid? -Sure.

DOUG: Hey, going to the Hayden Planetarium.

In Fourth grade that was my field trip.

-Okay, or the Met? -I don't go, but I mean to.

DOUG: Okay, sure.

You're thinking, "God, I can't believe

that I get to live here."

Well, I grew up in Queens, but also nice.

Sure. We want New Yorkers to wake up to a new day

and look out and see the Statute of Liberty

or the Empire State Building

or the majesty of the Sheep's meadow,

and say, "Damn it!"

"It's morning in Central Park again."

My God. Did you just think of that?

I just did, right there.

NARRATOR: There's a new day dawning in New York

and a new spirit with it.

It's a spirit that knows that soon

as sure as the sun will rise over Avenue of the Immigrants,

New York will once again be the City of Dreams.

Lance Brockwell for Mayor.

It's morning in Central Park again.

Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God. -Wow.

What did I do?

You're a genius.

I'm a manipulator of minds.

I'm a propagandist. I'm Leni Riefenstahl.

-No, no, I don't think so. -I am. I am Leni Riefenstahl.

No, you're not. At least be proud of your work.

-I'm going to throw up. -Oh, please don't.

Oh, I'm going to go straight to hell for this.

-Well, eat something first. -Your table is ready.

-Okay. -Oh, my God.

We should do a media blitz on this.

No, no, blitz, no blitz.

Print ads, radio lifts.

Sweetie, we got to talk about this.

-We will, be a glue person. -Oh, hi.

-Hi. -Is Ira here yet?

-No, he's not. -Good

because I need to soak up the place for a minute.

You know, just get comfortable to my surroundings.

Okay. I'm fine. Okay, sit down. Sit down.

-Hey. -Hey.

-Hey, hey, hey. -Hi.

-You know your ex-husband. -Hi.

-How you doing? -Is Mark nervous?

He's calming down and so should you.

Oh, cool as a cucumber.

-Hey, what's up? -ALL: Hey!

Iris, you know Mark and Fran.

Hi, so you're Mark which would make you Fran.

[CHUCKLES]

-See? She talks. -Sure, to you.

Listen, I know that you and Ira--

I'm not talking to him. And I don't want to.

-Don't ask me to talk to him. -I wasn't going to but, okay.

Okay. Yeah, that's fine.

Okay. So...

-So how is everybody? -Good. Good. I'm very good.

-Good. Good, very good. -I'm good. I'm good.

I'm good. I'm good.

-How you guys? -We're good.

We're good, very good.

Hey, maybe we can get some drinks.

How about a little bruschetta for the table.

-That sounds great. -Yeah, yeah. Good. Good.

-Is it brusquetta? -Brushetta.

-I thought it was brushquetta. -Brushquetta?

The bread with the topping.

-Yeah. Yeah. -That's what I mean. Yeah.

Oh, Paulie, Paulie,

congratulations on the Brockwell for Mayor commercial.

-Did you see it? -What, are you kidding me?

It's on all the time. It's very impressive.

-Isn't it? -Sure is.

I got to say, I'm a little of two minds about it because--

That Brockwell commercial is yours, Paul?

-Yeah, well-- -Isn't it great?

It sure is. It's brilliant.

It's moving and stirring. It's brilliant.

Well, I got to tell ya, in my heart, I'm sorry--

You directed the Brockwell commercial?

I did.

First time since the campaign of Edmond Musky

that my mind was actually changed by one of those things.

-Really? -Oh, yeah.

Wait. So, you were gonna vote for Giuliani?

Yeah, but now that would have been a crushing mistake.

I was completely on the fence about it until I saw it

and now, I am a Brockwell guy.

Oh, listen. Can I just say? Before you choose,

study both candidates, look at the platform--

Excuse me, did you say he directed

the Lance Brockwell for Mayor commercial?

-Because my whole family-- -All right, listen,

can you get us the bread with he topping?

I'll be your best friend.

-Brusquitta? -Whatever it is.

Family of 12, all voters.

All right, good to hear. Thank you so much.

Listen, you really can't be swayed

-by a piece of advertising. -Come on.

Time out. You don't give yourself enough credit.

How about the part, all right,

where Brockwell feeds the swans?

-Oh, so uplifting. -So uplifting.

And then when they say, "As sure as the sun will rise...

BOTH: "Over Avenue of the Immigrants."

Listen. Listen. No, wait a second.

This is like I sold pudding or a Coke.

This is a moral thing here.

Much more important than a Coke because I'm telling you, Paul.

Had you been there in '88 President Dukakis,

by hand to God. Do you remember '88, Fran?

-How can I forget? -Oh, yeah.

-Hey, Ira, Iris. -Ira Iris?

Ira, Iris.

That' terrific, Ira, Iris, Iris, Ira!

All right, listen to me, listen to me!

Hey, I disown, I hereby disown that Brockwell commercial.

That doesn't reflect my opinion. That's not me.

No, I was coerced, and I was charmed.

There was some marital pressure.

-Hey, hey, "marital pressure"? -Yes.

-From whom? -Wait. Hey, guys, guys, guys.

Fran, let me apologize.

I'm sorry I got nuts about Ira yesterday.

-It's all right. -And, Ira, I got to apologize

because you know a man fears the worse.

Hey, hey, no apology necessary.

Ira talks about you all the time?

-He does? -Yes.

-You do? -If you were talking to me,

-you'd know that. -PAUL: Listen.

You know, Giuliani doesn't waste your time with campaign fluff.

-It's not fluff. -It's total marshmallow fluff.

May a say that you two make a terrific-looking couple.

-So handsome. -He doesn't want

to rename the streets.

He wants to make the streets safe again for your babies.

-Their babies? -Their babies.

You know what, you're right. You are a manipulator of minds.

-Come on. Come on. -And you are a big

tax payers money spender on nothing.

By your logic, we shouldn't even spend a nickel on city spirit?

-A nickel? -Listen to this.

"Nickel" says subway girl who thinks

we need more symbols and rallies, like who?

-The Nazis? -All right. There we go.

No, no, no, it's only a matter of time.

You actual would be unable

to have a conversation if there hadn't been Nazis.

-You know what? -Are you guys okay?

-We're fine. You're deluded. -We're dandy.

The man is a convicted swan killer.

-He's convicted? -Not convicted, but you know it.

-I know it. Everybody knows it. -Hey,

politics at the table is bad.

-He started it. -So you be the big person.

-I'm always the big person. -Yeah, big and wrong.

-I'm not wrong. -Oh, you're not?

Well, you're not right, so tell me what are you?

Listen to me. If you guys are having problems,

I could speak for all of us, you can talk to us.

-We're here to help. -Yeah.

-Sure. -No, no, It's okay, really.

I'm fine. If she needs nothing more than

more parades and flag waving...

All right, once again.

...and marching bands, and facetious hats--

Why don't you bring up the Vikings?

See how much mileage you can get out of them.

Now you're just lashing blindly, you're flailing,

and I'll tell you something. It's not attractive--

[SCREAMING]

What is the matter with them?

Iris, I'm sorry you had to see this.

They're just nuts is what they are.

Frankly, I don't know why we even invite them.

-I'll tell you why. -IRA: Why?

Because they look up to us a little, socially.

-You think? -Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

-We hold them together. -Huh? You may be right.

Like glue.

Okay. Very simple.

What you want to do is take Sophie Tucker Drive

over to the Avenue of the Immigrants

and then you make a left on Boulevard of Dreams.

Now Boulevard Dreams is one way, so you stay on your right

and you'll come to Mario Procaccino.

Yeah. Right. You make a right on Mario Procaccino.

Now, if you go left, it's Mario Biaggi.

That's right. So Mario becomes Mario.

Stay to your right. It's Procaccino.

You go across Horace Clarke Avenue. Exactly.

You see Zero Mostel Place and Albert Shanker Circle.

Now, be careful, because it's tricky around the Circle.

It's the third building on the right.

Now, if you hit Bella Abzug, you went too far.