Original subtitles

Okay, honey, I'm throwing this out.

Oh, please don't.

-Look how ugly it is. -Still.

-It's an asparagus teapot. -My cousin Sharon gave it to us.

-Do you ever see Sharon? -No.

-Is Sharon ever coming over? -No.

-Does she like asparagus tea? -No.

-I'm throwing it out. -Please don't.

[SIGHS]

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Can I help you?

PAUL: Yes, please. Six cannolis, please.

Séicannoli.

I just did.

God, I love coming here, Paulie.

Will you stop staring? You know what she looks like already.

She's the one that I am gonna marry.

What is the matter with you?

What? You don't think she's not beautiful?

-She's gorgeous. -Magnificent.

-Stunning. -Dazzling.

-Resplendent. -Aphrodite and Helen of Troy.

You don't have a shot in hell with her.

IRA: Oh, yeah?

She's so way out of your league.

What do you mean my league?

Your league. Look, you are in your league,

which is a good league. It's competitive.

Triple A. It's a fine league.

She is in her league, professional, major league.

-Different league. -No such thing as leagues.

Oh, boy. So much of the world's pain

has started with that very sentence.

Okay, you know everything.

It just so happens, my friend,

that I've started to make a little progress with her.

-With her? -IRA: Yeah.

That's why she hasn't looked at you once?

-Oh, Paulie. -No, 'cause you can tell.

When they're pumping cream into Napoleons,

that's when you really got them.

She's playing it cool in front of the old man. That's all.

You believe what you gotta believe.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SQUELCHES]

-ANTONIO: Excuse me. -IRA: Sure.

I'm just so surprised Italy let this guy go.

Paulie, look at that.

What is the matter with you?

Do you not understand how the world works?

Let me explain this to you so you understand it.

Women like that don't go for guys like us.

They don't see us.

-They don't even notice us. -[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Although...

Jamie, help me out here. I'm confused.

This is what, your receipts?

These are my business expenses,

these are from Paul's business,

and these are miscellaneous receipts

from stuff we did together

but might be deductible as something.

We were hoping you could tell us what.

-Row boat rental, $18. -Okay, right there.

This was Paul's idea.

We went rowing, but we were complaining about our jobs.

Throw that out.

Next year, when the baby comes...

Knock on wood, it should only happen.

We'll be able to be more creative with your deductions.

Put files in his crib and say it's office furniture.

-Yuck. -What?

-I'm just sick of myself. -What are you talking about?

I'm sick of my whole faux natural,

"I did nothing to my hair. I just woke up this way,

but secretly, we all know it took hours" look.

You look beautiful.

You know what I am? I'm 32.

This exemption from three years ago,

however, is worthless.

-We never sent that in? -I'm holding it in my hands.

Oh, well... Oops.

I'll take care of that.

See this? These guys right here. These are all stress.

This one right here, that's Paul.

I have that wrinkle.

And this one right here is actually also Paul.

What is wrong with you?

JAMIE: I'm 32 years old.

I don't want to go down looking like this.

-Hey. -DEB: Hey.

Deb, you're still here. How we doing?

Well, if I'm a crafty person,

I may be able to keep you out of prison.

That's all we would ask.

-My little bride. How are you? -I'm 32.

All right. So I didn't miss much.

You have to try these.

-Unbelievable. -What's in there?

Little pastries made for you by the Italian people.

You know, Ira's going out with that girl now.

-What girl? -This beautiful girl.

What beautiful girl?

I didn't tell you about this beautiful girl in the bakery?

-JAMIE: No. -Well...

There's a beautiful girl in the bakery.

Ira's going out with her now.

Well, good for Ira.

Like, unbelievably beautiful. I mean, like...

No exaggeration.

Possibly the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

I get nervous talking to her.

So how's work?

Work... Oh, everybody hates me there.

JAMIE: They do not.

So, this woman, Ira's new girlfriend,

what exactly is so beautiful about her?

Yes. Go. Share all the details with your wife.

Oh, wait. Is this a thing? I can't share this with you?

-Of course you can. -Am I being unreasonable?

A person can't share with their partner

that somebody else is attractive?

No. Go ahead.

-Seriously. -We're interested.

Okay. All I'm saying is that

this woman has a quality, you know?

She's like a mysterious, like an ethnic... you know?

She's just, like, a beauti-- Look, you know.

You are a tremendously beautiful woman.

You really are. Yours is a sophisticated,

it's a very intelligent...

It's like an accessible kind of beauty, you know?

This woman...

What? This woman... It's like a--

It's like a raw, dramatic kind of beauty.

Dramatic?

You know what? Just forget the whole thing.

-What? -Forget it.

Can I say I hate both of you very much right now.

-DEB: She asked. -JAMIE: I did.

I want to hear it. What did you say?

You said she's dramatic?

[SIGHS]

My point...

My point was this. She...

There is beautiful and then there's beautiful.

There's beautiful in the Jamie sense,

which is tremendously beautiful,

and believe me, all I would ever need.

Then there's beautiful in the sense of this woman,

which is like an organically, cosmically,

like, no more beautiful than you.

It's not a measure...

It... Look, you know...

See, you know what?

The truth is, she-- That's her only thing, see?

Her beauty. So she has that. She has the beauty.

Whereas you have so many gifts, you know?

Whereas to you, God gave with both hands,

and she...

That's it. That's, like, you know...

She's, like... She's pathetic is what she is.

You kind of... you have to feel sorry for her.

-So Ira met a pretty girl. -That's all I'm saying.

Sophia, the last time I saw you and Ira--

We were doing this.

That's what you were doing at that time. All right.

That's all right. It's only me.

My wife's gonna be here in a couple of minutes.

She'll kiss me plenty.

Right, Splinky?

Yeah, that's right.

Splinky, what is this Splinky?

What does it mean?

It's just a nickname from when we were kids.

-It's a funny story. -Paulie.

Tell a little funny story, break the ice.

When we were kids, my mom got a bikini...

a bikini as a gift. Somebody gave it to her.

She would never wear it. So this guy, he's crazy.

He puts it on. He's wearing it around the house.

We were five years old. It means nothing.

So he was wearing it,

and you could see through the material.

This is why it's funny. You could see his "splinky".

So we would say "splinky". That's...

I don't know where Jamie is.

I'm gonna give her a call. Excuse me.

You like it?

[SMASHES]

Yes, so I do like your hair. Yes.

It seems like you do.

That's not bad, huh?

That's six hours, 42 minutes

of pretty much intermittent lovemaking.

-Pretty much. -[PHONE RINGS]

And I gotta say, you were crucial to so many parts of it.

Hello.

-IRA: She dumped me, Paulie. -Ira.

Yeah, two weeks, four days, two hours,

and she dumped me like the Queen of Spades.

Boy, I'm sorry. I feel terrible about it.

IRA: No warning, nothing. Just boom.

Um... Can I call you back?

-Oh, no. Don't bother. -You okay?

I have one thing to say to you, "Thanks a lot."

-And thanks a lot for nothing.-[HANGS UP]

-He just hung up on me. -Why?

Why? Because everybody hates me.

Not everybody.

Hello there.

JAMIE: Hey, Nat.

Oh, hey there, Mrs. Buchman.

Sorry. I didn't realize you'd be home.

Oh, that's okay.

No, because you know,

otherwise I would have knocked, or rung the bell,

or made some other form of...

treaty of entry due. Hey.

Hey.

Ho there.

Oh. Well, you like it?

-Jiminy. -Jiminy? What does that mean?

Jiminy is like willickers or jeepers.

It's in the "wow" family.

You don't like it.

No, no, no.

You can say if you don't like it.

-No, no, no. -It's okay.

No. I just...

The question that I would ask...

is...

-Why? -Why what?

Why would you?

Oh.

Well, I guess I just felt like I needed a change.

And I guess I just wanted to try something different.

But why do you want to try something different

when you're already so...

-You are... -What?

No, no.

You know, just... Well...

Speaking... well, if I may just speak as a man...

Um, well...

-May I speak as a man? -Please. Please.

I'm just going to let this rip.

I'm from the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" school,

and Mrs. Buchman, you were extremely not broke.

And I mean that with all due respect, please.

Oh. Nat, that's very sweet.

Please forgive me if I'm speaking out of line.

I know I'm just here to walk the dog,

and that's irrespective of your hair color.

Whatever you do on a follicular level,

it's none of my beeswax.

No, no, no, no, no.

Just, you know, out of curiosity,

how did Mr. Buchman react? Did he like it?

He felt exactly the same way as you.

You see that?

Hey, Ira?

I?

Hey, Splinky?

-I'll give you Splinky. -Hey, what are you doing?

You killed me. You sabotaged me.

-What are you talking about? -You deliberately tried...

-At lunch, the way you acted. -How did I act?

Like the village idiot.

Seventy-one times you told her, "It's nice to meet you."

-Nobody's that nice to meet. -Get off of me, you nut job.

Then you told her about Splinky.

How could you tell her about Splinky?

One second, one second.

Get off of me.

[IRA GRUNTS]

Hold it.

What the hell are you talking about?

-You were jealous, weren't you? -I was jealous of what?

Of the fact that for the first time since the fourth grade,

I had a hotter girl than you.

Okay, first of all, could you be, like, less mature?

-Take that back. -I will not.

-Take it back. -I will not.

What are you, seven years old now?

Yeah. I'm seven years old.

-Jamie is just as hot as Sophia. -You wish!

-She's more hot than Sophia. -Give me a break!

There's beautiful, and then there's beautiful.

You're so stupid.

You think there's some objective standard of beautiful?

-Yes! -Let me tell you something.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, okay?

And don't forget it!

You nut!

IRA: You're a lunatic, you know that?

-You know what I think? -What?

-I think that's a bunch of crap. -All right. Come on.

Stuff it with your "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"!

There is no objective reality. Get off me.

-Admit it. You were jealous. -Baloney!

You wanted to behold what I beheld.

No, sir!

You deliberately tried to sabotage me.

You wouldn't quit until Sophia was out of my life.

You're choking me here.

Get off!

You nut!

-She was the one, Paulie. -PAUL: Look.

If I said something that embarrassed you

or caused you grievance,

I apologize.

I'm very sorry, okay?

She was my tesoro.

-I understand. -You know what that means?

No. What does that mean?

I have no idea.

Well, you think about it.

I came here as a man of peace.

I came because I was concerned about your welfare.

-I know. -This is the treatment I get.

Well... I got a little hot. I'm sorry.

PAUL: Yeah. Let me ask you something.

Do you really think that me telling her about Splinky,

-that that's gonna-- -I'll give you "Splinky"!

Alright!

You're not gonna believe this.

He blames me for the whole Sophia thing.

Ow. Ow. What?

JAMIE: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

PAUL: Ow!

Well, let me just say everybody hates me.

They don't hate you. I don't hate you.

-Thank you very much. -I used to hate you.

-What is that? -During the divorce.

PAUL: When? Why?

-Oh, hated your guts. -What is that all about?

-No, no, no. Nothing. -You say something like that...

Because every time I saw you, you would mention Fran.

Fran and Jamie did this and that.

It's like you couldn't help yourself.

-Why didn't you say something? -Who could get a word in?

-Well, sorry. Sorry. -[INCOHERENT NOISES]

It's blood under the bridge.

I don't hate you anymore.

Jamie doesn't hate you. She's upset.

Why would she be so upset? What, that I like her hair?

You know, when I was in Nepal,

I'm chatting with this Sherpa about the question of why,

which in his language is pronounced nchtem,

and he said something very interesting.

He said that asking the question of why...

is like pulling one leg off a centipede.

It gets you nowhere.

-Why? -Because...

For every question why,

the answer is because,

and for every because, there's another why.

Yes, but why would she be so angry at me?

Because she's afraid that after she has the baby...

-Hey, knock on wood. -Knock wood.

Because she's afraid that, then, she won't be attractive or sexy.

But that's so stupid. Why?

You see? Sherpa was right. He was a wise man.

Sage. He was a sage.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

-SOPHIA: Is this Jamie? -Yes. Who's this?

Sophia, Ira's friend.

Oh, hi, Sophia. How's everything?

-SOPHIA: Not so good. -What's the problem?

It's Ira. He won't leave me alone.

You have to come and get him.

How do you say? He's freaking out on the street.

Listen.

♪ And by the little jewelry shop ♪

♪ We'll stop and linger

♪ While I buy a wedding ring ♪

♪ For your finger

♪ In the meantime...

If you don't come and get him,

my father's going to beat him silly with a sfogliatelli.

-With a what? -A sfogliatelli.

It's a small Italian pastry with cheese and sugar and...

Okay. I'll be right there.

Taxi! Taxi!

♪ Though it's hard for us to whisper ♪

[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN] Nutcake!

Ira, please. Please.

My father's going to call the police.

Papa, no!

♪ With that old moon above the Mediterranean Sea ♪

Hey, Mario Lanza. Hey, there. How's it going?

It's good. Excuse me.

♪ In the morning...

-Maybe not right now. -Nutcake!

Nothing to see here.

-Everything all right? -Oh, yeah. I'm aces.

-PAUL: Hey! -Hey.

-I got your note. How we doing? -What do you care?

We've got it under control. Go get us some biscotti.

You don't like biscotti.

I'll get some biscotti.

Come here, you.

Sophia, buon giorno.

Buona notte. It is too late for giorno.

Hope somebody told that to Giorno.

What?

Um... I think I need to apologize to you.

For what?

I may have said something, or acted in a way at lunch,

that was demeaning to Ira, one thing in particular.

You mean Splinky?

The Splinky story. Yes, exactly.

I think that was maybe inappropriate of me,

and, listen, if that had anything at all

to do with the reason that you and Ira...

Paul, I'm not breaking up with Ira because of Splinky.

No, I know. Of course not.

I like Splinky. It was a cute story.

That's what I thought. Cute story.

It's just...

It's just so much with Ira, you know?

It's so much. It's just so... much.

I thought I sensed he was getting too much.

It's so much.

In all fairness, I just think he likes you so much.

He gets a little nervous, not to embarrass you,

you're very beautiful. No, no. You are.

A lot of times, guys get nervous in front of a beautiful woman,

like a dramatic beauty, you know what I mean?

-Dramatic? -For instance, my wife,

it's a sophisticated beauty, different.

Can I get some biscotti,please?

SOPHIA: Okay.

And then he tells her the Splinky story.

He told her the Splinky story?

Yes. He was once a quality wingman.

Not that it's not a cute story.

Yeah, sure, if you know the person a little.

Still...

As much as I love to blame anything I possibly can

on my husband,

it's not the kind of thing you break up over, you know?

It's not?

I don't know what happened to me, James.

This woman, she totally threw me off my game.

Happens to the best of us.

I don't know if I had a chance to tell you.

-What? -I really like your hair.

Thank you.

-Hey! -Hey.

-Well, you were right. -IRA: What?

I was talking to Sophia. She told me I blew it for you,

because she doesn't want to have anything to do with a guy

who's got a cousin as dopey as me.

-No kidding? -Yes, yes, yes.

So, forgive me?

You had sfogliatelli, didn't you?

Hey, from now on, doughnuts.

It'll be a lot easier on everybody.

All right.

And my beautiful little bride, how is she?

She's brunette.

Brunette and beautiful. Can I just say something?

Listen to me. As a brunette, as a blonde,

as a bald lady like on Star Trek,

as a fat lady with 11 kids

or a small, little, petite lady with 15 kids,

as a hill person, as a sock,

whatever you want, it's all good.

She's fine.

All right.

-Look at this. -What?

Everybody loves me. That's better.

-I'm shattered, Paulie. -I know.

-I'm a shell of a man. -I understand.

-I will never, ever love again. -I realize that.

♪ With that old moon above the Mediterranean Sea ♪

♪ In the morningsignorina, We'll go walking ♪

♪ When the summer helps the sun ♪

♪ Turn into night

ANTONIO: Nutcake!

♪ And by the little jewelry shop ♪

♪ We'll stop and linger

♪ While I buy a wedding ring

♪ For your finger

♪ In the meantime, let me tell you that I love you ♪

♪ Buona sera signorina

♪ Kiss me good night

[THUD]