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1
00:00:05,488 --> 00:00:06,799
Okay, honey,
I'm throwing this out.
2
00:00:06,799 --> 00:00:08,249
Oh, please don't.
3
00:00:08,249 --> 00:00:10,320
-Look how ugly it is.
-Still.
4
00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:14,876
-It's an asparagus teapot.
-My cousin Sharon gave it to us.
5
00:00:14,876 --> 00:00:16,257
-Do you ever see Sharon?
-No.
6
00:00:16,257 --> 00:00:18,259
-Is Sharon ever coming over?
-No.
7
00:00:18,259 --> 00:00:19,847
-Does she like asparagus tea?
-No.
8
00:00:19,847 --> 00:00:21,814
-I'm throwing it out.
-Please don't.
9
00:00:21,814 --> 00:00:22,884
[SIGHS]
10
00:00:24,265 --> 00:00:26,888
♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
11
00:00:57,505 --> 00:00:58,610
Can I help you?
12
00:00:58,610 --> 00:01:00,784
PAUL: Yes, please.
Six cannolis, please.
13
00:01:00,784 --> 00:01:01,854
Séicannoli.
14
00:01:01,854 --> 00:01:02,890
I just did.
15
00:01:05,410 --> 00:01:07,274
God, I love coming here, Paulie.
16
00:01:07,274 --> 00:01:09,586
Will you stop staring? You know
what she looks like already.
17
00:01:09,586 --> 00:01:11,692
She's the one
that I am gonna marry.
18
00:01:11,692 --> 00:01:12,934
What is the matter with you?
19
00:01:12,934 --> 00:01:14,419
What? You don't think
she's not beautiful?
20
00:01:14,419 --> 00:01:15,696
-She's gorgeous.
-Magnificent.
21
00:01:15,696 --> 00:01:16,800
-Stunning.
-Dazzling.
22
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,699
-Resplendent.
-Aphrodite and Helen of Troy.
23
00:01:18,699 --> 00:01:20,287
You don't have a shot in hell
with her.
24
00:01:20,287 --> 00:01:21,357
IRA: Oh, yeah?
25
00:01:21,357 --> 00:01:22,979
She's so way out
of your league.
26
00:01:22,979 --> 00:01:24,360
What do you mean my league?
27
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,983
Your league.
Look, you are in your league,
28
00:01:26,983 --> 00:01:28,571
which is a good league.
It's competitive.
29
00:01:28,571 --> 00:01:29,951
Triple A. It's a fine league.
30
00:01:29,951 --> 00:01:32,264
She is in her league,
professional, major league.
31
00:01:32,264 --> 00:01:34,473
-Different league.
-No such thing as leagues.
32
00:01:34,473 --> 00:01:36,648
Oh, boy.
So much of the world's pain
33
00:01:36,648 --> 00:01:38,028
has started
with that very sentence.
34
00:01:38,028 --> 00:01:39,685
Okay, you know everything.
35
00:01:39,685 --> 00:01:40,928
It just so happens, my friend,
36
00:01:40,928 --> 00:01:43,793
that I've started to make
a little progress with her.
37
00:01:43,793 --> 00:01:45,139
-With her?
-IRA: Yeah.
38
00:01:45,553 --> 00:01:47,486
That's why she hasn't
looked at you once?
39
00:01:47,486 --> 00:01:49,005
-Oh, Paulie.
-No, 'cause you can tell.
40
00:01:49,005 --> 00:01:50,455
When they're pumping cream
into Napoleons,
41
00:01:50,455 --> 00:01:52,146
that's when you really got them.
42
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:55,080
She's playing it cool in front
of the old man. That's all.
43
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:56,978
You believe
what you gotta believe.
44
00:01:56,978 --> 00:02:00,568
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
45
00:02:00,568 --> 00:02:01,638
[SQUELCHES]
46
00:02:02,605 --> 00:02:04,400
-ANTONIO: Excuse me.
-IRA: Sure.
47
00:02:04,952 --> 00:02:07,334
I'm just so surprised
Italy let this guy go.
48
00:02:09,094 --> 00:02:10,613
Paulie, look at that.
49
00:02:11,061 --> 00:02:12,270
What is the matter with you?
50
00:02:12,270 --> 00:02:13,961
Do you not understand
how the world works?
51
00:02:13,961 --> 00:02:15,963
Let me explain this to you
so you understand it.
52
00:02:15,963 --> 00:02:18,138
Women like that
don't go for guys like us.
53
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,863
They don't see us.
54
00:02:19,863 --> 00:02:21,727
-They don't even notice us.
-[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
55
00:02:25,352 --> 00:02:26,594
Although...
56
00:02:31,254 --> 00:02:33,636
Jamie, help me out here.
I'm confused.
57
00:02:33,636 --> 00:02:35,016
This is what, your receipts?
58
00:02:35,016 --> 00:02:36,639
These are my business expenses,
59
00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:38,399
these are from Paul's business,
60
00:02:38,399 --> 00:02:40,505
and these are
miscellaneous receipts
61
00:02:40,505 --> 00:02:41,954
from stuff we did together
62
00:02:41,954 --> 00:02:43,680
but might be deductible
as something.
63
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,406
We were hoping
you could tell us what.
64
00:02:45,406 --> 00:02:47,822
-Row boat rental, $18.
-Okay, right there.
65
00:02:47,822 --> 00:02:49,169
This was Paul's idea.
66
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,550
We went rowing, but we were
complaining about our jobs.
67
00:02:52,586 --> 00:02:54,035
Throw that out.
68
00:02:54,035 --> 00:02:55,934
Next year,
when the baby comes...
69
00:02:55,934 --> 00:02:58,247
Knock on wood,
it should only happen.
70
00:02:58,247 --> 00:03:01,698
We'll be able to be more
creative with your deductions.
71
00:03:01,698 --> 00:03:04,391
Put files in his crib
and say it's office furniture.
72
00:03:04,391 --> 00:03:06,186
-Yuck.
-What?
73
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,636
-I'm just sick of myself.
-What are you talking about?
74
00:03:08,636 --> 00:03:10,983
I'm sick of my whole
faux natural,
75
00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:13,123
"I did nothing to my hair.
I just woke up this way,
76
00:03:13,123 --> 00:03:15,125
but secretly, we all know
it took hours" look.
77
00:03:15,125 --> 00:03:16,541
You look beautiful.
78
00:03:16,541 --> 00:03:18,715
You know what I am? I'm 32.
79
00:03:18,715 --> 00:03:21,546
This exemption
from three years ago,
80
00:03:21,546 --> 00:03:22,857
however, is worthless.
81
00:03:22,857 --> 00:03:25,515
-We never sent that in?
-I'm holding it in my hands.
82
00:03:25,515 --> 00:03:27,276
Oh, well... Oops.
83
00:03:28,622 --> 00:03:29,899
I'll take care of that.
84
00:03:30,451 --> 00:03:33,316
See this? These guys right here.
These are all stress.
85
00:03:33,316 --> 00:03:35,042
This one right here,
that's Paul.
86
00:03:35,870 --> 00:03:37,147
I have that wrinkle.
87
00:03:37,147 --> 00:03:40,496
And this one right here
is actually also Paul.
88
00:03:42,463 --> 00:03:43,568
What is wrong with you?
89
00:03:43,568 --> 00:03:45,294
JAMIE: I'm 32 years old.
90
00:03:45,294 --> 00:03:47,503
I don't want to go down
looking like this.
91
00:03:48,435 --> 00:03:50,022
-Hey.
-DEB: Hey.
92
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:53,440
Deb, you're still here.
How we doing?
93
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,717
Well, if I'm a crafty person,
94
00:03:54,717 --> 00:03:56,788
I may be able
to keep you out of prison.
95
00:03:56,788 --> 00:03:58,168
That's all we would ask.
96
00:03:58,790 --> 00:04:01,413
-My little bride. How are you?
-I'm 32.
97
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,795
All right.
So I didn't miss much.
98
00:04:04,899 --> 00:04:06,556
You have to try these.
99
00:04:06,556 --> 00:04:08,593
-Unbelievable.
-What's in there?
100
00:04:08,593 --> 00:04:11,216
Little pastries made for you
by the Italian people.
101
00:04:12,113 --> 00:04:14,288
You know, Ira's going out
with that girl now.
102
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:16,014
-What girl?
-This beautiful girl.
103
00:04:16,014 --> 00:04:17,429
What beautiful girl?
104
00:04:17,774 --> 00:04:20,018
I didn't tell you about this
beautiful girl in the bakery?
105
00:04:20,018 --> 00:04:21,364
-JAMIE: No.
-Well...
106
00:04:21,364 --> 00:04:23,228
There's a beautiful girl
in the bakery.
107
00:04:23,228 --> 00:04:25,334
Ira's going out with her now.
108
00:04:25,334 --> 00:04:27,128
Well, good for Ira.
109
00:04:27,128 --> 00:04:29,579
Like, unbelievably beautiful.
I mean, like...
110
00:04:29,579 --> 00:04:30,649
No exaggeration.
111
00:04:30,649 --> 00:04:33,238
Possibly the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen.
112
00:04:33,238 --> 00:04:35,033
I get nervous talking to her.
113
00:04:35,033 --> 00:04:36,345
So how's work?
114
00:04:36,345 --> 00:04:38,139
Work...
Oh, everybody hates me there.
115
00:04:38,139 --> 00:04:39,209
JAMIE: They do not.
116
00:04:39,209 --> 00:04:41,936
So, this woman,
Ira's new girlfriend,
117
00:04:41,936 --> 00:04:43,800
what exactly
is so beautiful about her?
118
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,286
Yes. Go. Share all the details
with your wife.
119
00:04:47,528 --> 00:04:50,462
Oh, wait. Is this a thing?
I can't share this with you?
120
00:04:50,462 --> 00:04:53,051
-Of course you can.
-Am I being unreasonable?
121
00:04:53,051 --> 00:04:54,604
A person can't share
with their partner
122
00:04:54,604 --> 00:04:56,468
that somebody else
is attractive?
123
00:04:56,951 --> 00:04:58,125
No. Go ahead.
124
00:04:58,539 --> 00:05:01,887
-Seriously.
-We're interested.
125
00:05:06,064 --> 00:05:08,515
Okay.
All I'm saying is that
126
00:05:08,515 --> 00:05:11,380
this woman has a quality,
you know?
127
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:14,279
She's like a mysterious,
like an ethnic... you know?
128
00:05:14,279 --> 00:05:17,144
She's just, like, a beauti--
Look, you know.
129
00:05:17,144 --> 00:05:19,457
You are a tremendously
beautiful woman.
130
00:05:19,457 --> 00:05:22,149
You really are.
Yours is a sophisticated,
131
00:05:22,149 --> 00:05:23,633
it's a very intelligent...
132
00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:26,326
It's like an accessible
kind of beauty, you know?
133
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,534
This woman...
134
00:05:29,087 --> 00:05:31,814
What?
This woman... It's like a--
135
00:05:31,814 --> 00:05:34,817
It's like a raw,
dramatic kind of beauty.
136
00:05:34,817 --> 00:05:35,818
Dramatic?
137
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:37,992
You know what?
Just forget the whole thing.
138
00:05:37,992 --> 00:05:39,304
-What?
-Forget it.
139
00:05:39,304 --> 00:05:41,479
Can I say I hate both of you
very much right now.
140
00:05:41,479 --> 00:05:42,721
-DEB: She asked.
-JAMIE: I did.
141
00:05:42,721 --> 00:05:45,241
I want to hear it.
What did you say?
142
00:05:45,241 --> 00:05:46,863
You said she's dramatic?
143
00:05:47,657 --> 00:05:48,865
[SIGHS]
144
00:05:50,591 --> 00:05:52,075
My point...
145
00:05:52,075 --> 00:05:54,354
My point was this.
She...
146
00:05:55,734 --> 00:05:59,186
There is beautiful
and then there's beautiful.
147
00:05:59,876 --> 00:06:01,947
There's beautiful
in the Jamie sense,
148
00:06:01,947 --> 00:06:04,087
which is tremendously
beautiful,
149
00:06:04,087 --> 00:06:06,745
and believe me,
all I would ever need.
150
00:06:06,745 --> 00:06:09,541
Then there's beautiful
in the sense of this woman,
151
00:06:09,541 --> 00:06:11,888
which is like
an organically, cosmically,
152
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:15,478
like, no more beautiful
than you.
153
00:06:15,478 --> 00:06:16,617
It's not a measure...
154
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,482
It... Look, you know...
155
00:06:19,482 --> 00:06:20,725
See, you know what?
156
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:26,972
The truth is, she--
That's her only thing, see?
157
00:06:27,490 --> 00:06:30,459
Her beauty. So she has that.
She has the beauty.
158
00:06:30,459 --> 00:06:33,220
Whereas you have
so many gifts, you know?
159
00:06:33,220 --> 00:06:35,325
Whereas to you,
God gave with both hands,
160
00:06:35,878 --> 00:06:37,120
and she...
161
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,812
That's it.
That's, like, you know...
162
00:06:38,812 --> 00:06:41,780
She's, like...
She's pathetic is what she is.
163
00:06:41,780 --> 00:06:44,438
You kind of...
you have to feel sorry for her.
164
00:06:51,687 --> 00:06:54,586
-So Ira met a pretty girl.
-That's all I'm saying.
165
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,387
Sophia, the last time
I saw you and Ira--
166
00:07:02,387 --> 00:07:03,664
We were doing this.
167
00:07:04,734 --> 00:07:06,978
That's what you were doing
at that time. All right.
168
00:07:06,978 --> 00:07:08,600
That's all right. It's only me.
169
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,637
My wife's gonna be here
in a couple of minutes.
170
00:07:10,637 --> 00:07:11,948
She'll kiss me plenty.
171
00:07:12,604 --> 00:07:13,778
Right, Splinky?
172
00:07:13,778 --> 00:07:15,227
Yeah, that's right.
173
00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:17,540
Splinky, what is this Splinky?
174
00:07:17,540 --> 00:07:19,300
What does it mean?
175
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:21,233
It's just a nickname
from when we were kids.
176
00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:22,925
-It's a funny story.
-Paulie.
177
00:07:22,925 --> 00:07:24,478
Tell a little funny story,
break the ice.
178
00:07:25,928 --> 00:07:29,449
When we were kids,
my mom got a bikini...
179
00:07:29,897 --> 00:07:33,073
a bikini as a gift.
Somebody gave it to her.
180
00:07:33,073 --> 00:07:36,663
She would never wear it.
So this guy, he's crazy.
181
00:07:36,663 --> 00:07:38,872
He puts it on. He's wearing it
around the house.
182
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,427
We were five years old.
It means nothing.
183
00:07:42,427 --> 00:07:43,670
So he was wearing it,
184
00:07:43,670 --> 00:07:45,741
and you could see
through the material.
185
00:07:45,741 --> 00:07:48,882
This is why it's funny.
You could see his "splinky".
186
00:07:51,022 --> 00:07:53,024
So we would say "splinky".
That's...
187
00:07:57,338 --> 00:07:59,340
I don't know where Jamie is.
188
00:08:00,134 --> 00:08:02,412
I'm gonna give her a call.
Excuse me.
189
00:08:12,181 --> 00:08:13,354
You like it?
190
00:08:31,131 --> 00:08:32,270
[SMASHES]
191
00:08:35,342 --> 00:08:38,172
Yes, so I do like your hair.
Yes.
192
00:08:38,172 --> 00:08:39,242
It seems like you do.
193
00:08:40,623 --> 00:08:42,107
That's not bad, huh?
194
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:44,316
That's six hours, 42 minutes
195
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,664
of pretty much intermittent
lovemaking.
196
00:08:46,664 --> 00:08:48,666
-Pretty much.
-[PHONE RINGS]
197
00:08:48,666 --> 00:08:52,186
And I gotta say, you were
crucial to so many parts of it.
198
00:08:53,463 --> 00:08:54,568
Hello.
199
00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:56,570
-IRA: She dumped me, Paulie.
-Ira.
200
00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:59,608
Yeah, two weeks,
four days, two hours,
201
00:08:59,608 --> 00:09:02,300
and she dumped me
like the Queen of Spades.
202
00:09:02,818 --> 00:09:05,475
Boy, I'm sorry.
I feel terrible about it.
203
00:09:05,475 --> 00:09:07,512
IRA: No warning, nothing.
Just boom.
204
00:09:07,512 --> 00:09:09,549
Um... Can I call you back?
205
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,274
-Oh, no. Don't bother.
-You okay?
206
00:09:11,274 --> 00:09:13,518
I have one thing to say to you,
"Thanks a lot."
207
00:09:13,518 --> 00:09:15,796
-And thanks a lot for nothing.-[HANGS UP]
208
00:09:16,866 --> 00:09:19,075
-He just hung up on me.
-Why?
209
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,699
Why?
Because everybody hates me.
210
00:09:22,285 --> 00:09:23,390
Not everybody.
211
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:38,750
Hello there.
212
00:09:39,164 --> 00:09:40,545
JAMIE: Hey, Nat.
213
00:09:40,545 --> 00:09:42,582
Oh, hey there,
Mrs. Buchman.
214
00:09:43,030 --> 00:09:45,757
Sorry. I didn't realize
you'd be home.
215
00:09:45,757 --> 00:09:46,931
Oh, that's okay.
216
00:09:46,931 --> 00:09:48,139
No, because you know,
217
00:09:48,139 --> 00:09:51,245
otherwise I would have knocked,
or rung the bell,
218
00:09:51,245 --> 00:09:54,007
or made some other form of...
219
00:09:54,007 --> 00:09:55,802
treaty of entry due. Hey.
220
00:09:55,802 --> 00:09:56,803
Hey.
221
00:09:58,114 --> 00:10:00,047
Ho there.
222
00:10:01,152 --> 00:10:05,190
Oh. Well, you like it?
223
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:09,436
-Jiminy.
-Jiminy? What does that mean?
224
00:10:09,436 --> 00:10:12,335
Jiminy is like
willickers or jeepers.
225
00:10:12,335 --> 00:10:14,544
It's in the "wow" family.
226
00:10:14,544 --> 00:10:15,891
You don't like it.
227
00:10:15,891 --> 00:10:17,099
No, no, no.
228
00:10:17,099 --> 00:10:18,687
You can say
if you don't like it.
229
00:10:18,687 --> 00:10:20,550
-No, no, no.
-It's okay.
230
00:10:20,550 --> 00:10:22,414
No. I just...
231
00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:24,589
The question that I would ask...
232
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:26,764
is...
233
00:10:28,110 --> 00:10:31,113
-Why?
-Why what?
234
00:10:31,113 --> 00:10:32,666
Why would you?
235
00:10:33,978 --> 00:10:35,151
Oh.
236
00:10:35,151 --> 00:10:37,706
Well, I guess I just felt
like I needed a change.
237
00:10:39,121 --> 00:10:41,226
And I guess I just wanted
to try something different.
238
00:10:41,744 --> 00:10:43,815
But why do you want
to try something different
239
00:10:43,815 --> 00:10:44,989
when you're already so...
240
00:10:46,335 --> 00:10:48,026
-You are...
-What?
241
00:10:48,026 --> 00:10:49,303
No, no.
242
00:10:50,546 --> 00:10:52,237
You know, just... Well...
243
00:10:53,998 --> 00:10:56,690
Speaking... well, if I may
just speak as a man...
244
00:10:57,242 --> 00:10:58,312
Um, well...
245
00:10:59,106 --> 00:11:01,522
-May I speak as a man?
-Please. Please.
246
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:03,766
I'm just going to let this rip.
247
00:11:03,766 --> 00:11:06,838
I'm from the "if it ain't broke,
don't fix it" school,
248
00:11:06,838 --> 00:11:10,704
and Mrs. Buchman,
you were extremely not broke.
249
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:13,051
And I mean that
with all due respect, please.
250
00:11:13,569 --> 00:11:16,606
Oh. Nat, that's very sweet.
251
00:11:16,606 --> 00:11:18,436
Please forgive me
if I'm speaking out of line.
252
00:11:18,436 --> 00:11:20,231
I know I'm just here
to walk the dog,
253
00:11:20,231 --> 00:11:21,991
and that's irrespective
of your hair color.
254
00:11:22,647 --> 00:11:25,546
Whatever you do
on a follicular level,
255
00:11:25,546 --> 00:11:27,031
it's none of my beeswax.
256
00:11:27,031 --> 00:11:28,688
No, no, no, no, no.
257
00:11:30,034 --> 00:11:31,967
Just, you know,
out of curiosity,
258
00:11:32,761 --> 00:11:34,728
how did Mr. Buchman react?
Did he like it?
259
00:11:35,591 --> 00:11:37,558
He felt exactly
the same way as you.
260
00:11:37,558 --> 00:11:38,594
You see that?
261
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:45,705
Hey, Ira?
262
00:11:46,809 --> 00:11:47,776
I?
263
00:11:49,122 --> 00:11:50,295
Hey, Splinky?
264
00:11:50,295 --> 00:11:52,573
-I'll give you Splinky.
-Hey, what are you doing?
265
00:11:52,573 --> 00:11:54,092
You killed me.
You sabotaged me.
266
00:11:54,092 --> 00:11:56,612
-What are you talking about?
-You deliberately tried...
267
00:11:57,061 --> 00:11:59,684
-At lunch, the way you acted.
-How did I act?
268
00:11:59,684 --> 00:12:00,892
Like the village idiot.
269
00:12:00,892 --> 00:12:03,412
Seventy-one times you told her,
"It's nice to meet you."
270
00:12:04,309 --> 00:12:07,140
-Nobody's that nice to meet.
-Get off of me, you nut job.
271
00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:08,624
Then you told her
about Splinky.
272
00:12:08,624 --> 00:12:10,419
How could you tell her
about Splinky?
273
00:12:10,419 --> 00:12:12,179
One second, one second.
274
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,043
Get off of me.
275
00:12:14,043 --> 00:12:15,665
[IRA GRUNTS]
276
00:12:15,665 --> 00:12:16,805
Hold it.
277
00:12:19,221 --> 00:12:20,878
What the hell
are you talking about?
278
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:25,779
-You were jealous, weren't you?
-I was jealous of what?
279
00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:28,644
Of the fact that for the first
time since the fourth grade,
280
00:12:28,644 --> 00:12:30,059
I had a hotter girl than you.
281
00:12:31,681 --> 00:12:34,892
Okay, first of all,
could you be, like, less mature?
282
00:12:35,651 --> 00:12:37,791
-Take that back.
-I will not.
283
00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:39,413
-Take it back.
-I will not.
284
00:12:39,413 --> 00:12:41,346
What are you,
seven years old now?
285
00:12:41,346 --> 00:12:42,589
Yeah. I'm seven years old.
286
00:12:43,659 --> 00:12:46,386
-Jamie is just as hot as Sophia.
-You wish!
287
00:12:46,386 --> 00:12:49,492
-She's more hot than Sophia.
-Give me a break!
288
00:12:49,492 --> 00:12:51,494
There's beautiful,
and then there's beautiful.
289
00:12:51,494 --> 00:12:52,806
You're so stupid.
290
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:55,533
You think there's some objective
standard of beautiful?
291
00:12:55,533 --> 00:12:57,777
-Yes!
-Let me tell you something.
292
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,951
Beauty is in the eye
of the beholder, okay?
293
00:12:59,951 --> 00:13:01,194
And don't forget it!
294
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,058
You nut!
295
00:13:07,545 --> 00:13:09,340
IRA: You're a lunatic,
you know that?
296
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:12,067
-You know what I think?
-What?
297
00:13:12,861 --> 00:13:15,725
-I think that's a bunch of crap.
-All right. Come on.
298
00:13:15,725 --> 00:13:18,349
Stuff it with your "beauty
is in the eye of the beholder"!
299
00:13:18,349 --> 00:13:21,145
There is no objective reality.
Get off me.
300
00:13:22,215 --> 00:13:24,596
-Admit it. You were jealous.
-Baloney!
301
00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:26,115
You wanted to behold
what I beheld.
302
00:13:26,115 --> 00:13:27,220
No, sir!
303
00:13:27,220 --> 00:13:28,911
You deliberately tried
to sabotage me.
304
00:13:29,912 --> 00:13:32,294
You wouldn't quit until
Sophia was out of my life.
305
00:13:32,294 --> 00:13:33,847
You're choking me here.
306
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:34,814
Get off!
307
00:13:38,058 --> 00:13:39,197
You nut!
308
00:13:40,681 --> 00:13:42,304
-She was the one, Paulie.
-PAUL: Look.
309
00:13:42,752 --> 00:13:45,272
If I said something
that embarrassed you
310
00:13:45,272 --> 00:13:46,756
or caused you grievance,
311
00:13:47,447 --> 00:13:48,793
I apologize.
312
00:13:48,793 --> 00:13:51,244
I'm very sorry, okay?
313
00:13:51,244 --> 00:13:52,728
She was my tesoro.
314
00:13:52,728 --> 00:13:54,592
-I understand.
-You know what that means?
315
00:13:54,592 --> 00:13:55,835
No. What does that mean?
316
00:13:56,766 --> 00:13:57,906
I have no idea.
317
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:02,151
Well, you think about it.
318
00:14:02,738 --> 00:14:04,774
I came here as a man of peace.
319
00:14:05,672 --> 00:14:07,985
I came because I was concerned
about your welfare.
320
00:14:07,985 --> 00:14:09,883
-I know.
-This is the treatment I get.
321
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:12,058
Well... I got a little hot.
I'm sorry.
322
00:14:12,058 --> 00:14:13,507
PAUL: Yeah.
Let me ask you something.
323
00:14:13,507 --> 00:14:16,131
Do you really think that me
telling her about Splinky,
324
00:14:16,131 --> 00:14:17,580
-that that's gonna--
-I'll give you "Splinky"!
325
00:14:17,580 --> 00:14:18,581
Alright!
326
00:14:24,449 --> 00:14:26,072
You're not gonna believe this.
327
00:14:26,072 --> 00:14:27,832
He blames me
for the whole Sophia thing.
328
00:14:27,832 --> 00:14:29,696
Ow. Ow. What?
329
00:14:29,696 --> 00:14:31,974
JAMIE:
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
330
00:14:31,974 --> 00:14:32,941
PAUL: Ow!
331
00:14:39,188 --> 00:14:41,915
Well, let me just say
everybody hates me.
332
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:45,125
They don't hate you.
I don't hate you.
333
00:14:45,125 --> 00:14:47,576
-Thank you very much.
-I used to hate you.
334
00:14:47,576 --> 00:14:49,785
-What is that?
-During the divorce.
335
00:14:49,785 --> 00:14:50,855
PAUL: When? Why?
336
00:14:50,855 --> 00:14:53,306
-Oh, hated your guts.
-What is that all about?
337
00:14:53,306 --> 00:14:56,033
-No, no, no. Nothing.
-You say something like that...
338
00:14:56,033 --> 00:14:59,001
Because every time I saw you,
you would mention Fran.
339
00:14:59,001 --> 00:15:01,970
Fran and Jamie
did this and that.
340
00:15:01,970 --> 00:15:03,488
It's like you couldn't
help yourself.
341
00:15:03,488 --> 00:15:05,801
-Why didn't you say something?
-Who could get a word in?
342
00:15:07,389 --> 00:15:09,909
-Well, sorry. Sorry.
-[INCOHERENT NOISES]
343
00:15:10,771 --> 00:15:11,911
It's blood under the bridge.
344
00:15:14,016 --> 00:15:15,431
I don't hate you anymore.
345
00:15:15,431 --> 00:15:17,571
Jamie doesn't hate you.
She's upset.
346
00:15:18,469 --> 00:15:20,989
Why would she be so upset?
What, that I like her hair?
347
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:25,338
You know, when I was in Nepal,
348
00:15:26,546 --> 00:15:30,136
I'm chatting with this Sherpa
about the question of why,
349
00:15:30,136 --> 00:15:33,587
which in his language
is pronounced nchtem,
350
00:15:33,587 --> 00:15:36,659
and he said something
very interesting.
351
00:15:36,659 --> 00:15:38,903
He said that
asking the question of why...
352
00:15:40,353 --> 00:15:42,734
is like pulling one leg
off a centipede.
353
00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:43,977
It gets you nowhere.
354
00:15:45,151 --> 00:15:47,463
-Why?
-Because...
355
00:15:47,463 --> 00:15:49,500
For every question why,
356
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:51,088
the answer is because,
357
00:15:51,088 --> 00:15:53,883
and for every because,
there's another why.
358
00:15:53,883 --> 00:15:57,542
Yes, but why would she be
so angry at me?
359
00:15:57,542 --> 00:16:01,443
Because she's afraid that
after she has the baby...
360
00:16:01,443 --> 00:16:04,135
-Hey, knock on wood.
-Knock wood.
361
00:16:05,309 --> 00:16:08,208
Because she's afraid that, then,
she won't be attractive or sexy.
362
00:16:08,208 --> 00:16:09,796
But that's so stupid. Why?
363
00:16:10,417 --> 00:16:13,524
You see? Sherpa was right.
He was a wise man.
364
00:16:13,524 --> 00:16:14,870
Sage. He was a sage.
365
00:16:14,870 --> 00:16:16,630
[PHONE RINGS]
366
00:16:18,391 --> 00:16:19,599
Hello?
367
00:16:19,599 --> 00:16:21,704
-SOPHIA: Is this Jamie?
-Yes. Who's this?
368
00:16:21,704 --> 00:16:23,844
Sophia, Ira's friend.
369
00:16:23,844 --> 00:16:25,294
Oh, hi, Sophia.
How's everything?
370
00:16:25,294 --> 00:16:27,676
-SOPHIA: Not so good.
-What's the problem?
371
00:16:27,676 --> 00:16:29,919
It's Ira.
He won't leave me alone.
372
00:16:29,919 --> 00:16:31,611
You have to come and get him.
373
00:16:31,611 --> 00:16:34,510
How do you say?
He's freaking out on the street.
374
00:16:34,510 --> 00:16:35,615
Listen.
375
00:16:35,615 --> 00:16:37,720
♪ And by the little jewelry shop ♪
376
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:39,722
♪ We'll stop and linger
377
00:16:39,722 --> 00:16:42,587
♪ While I buy
a wedding ring ♪
378
00:16:42,587 --> 00:16:44,969
♪ For your finger
379
00:16:45,452 --> 00:16:46,971
♪ In the meantime...
380
00:16:46,971 --> 00:16:48,421
If you don't come and get him,
381
00:16:48,421 --> 00:16:51,044
my father's going to beat him
silly with a sfogliatelli.
382
00:16:51,044 --> 00:16:53,736
-With a what?
-A sfogliatelli.
383
00:16:53,736 --> 00:16:56,394
It's a small Italian pastry
with cheese and sugar and...
384
00:16:56,946 --> 00:16:58,431
Okay. I'll be right there.
385
00:17:01,158 --> 00:17:02,987
Taxi! Taxi!
386
00:17:04,471 --> 00:17:07,923
♪ Though it's hard for us to whisper ♪
387
00:17:07,923 --> 00:17:09,649
[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]
Nutcake!
388
00:17:10,098 --> 00:17:11,478
Ira, please. Please.
389
00:17:11,478 --> 00:17:13,411
My father's
going to call the police.
390
00:17:14,585 --> 00:17:15,620
Papa, no!
391
00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:19,797
♪ With that old moon above the Mediterranean Sea ♪
392
00:17:19,797 --> 00:17:23,076
Hey, Mario Lanza.
Hey, there. How's it going?
393
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:24,250
It's good. Excuse me.
394
00:17:24,250 --> 00:17:25,320
♪ In the morning...
395
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,149
-Maybe not right now.
-Nutcake!
396
00:17:27,149 --> 00:17:29,117
Nothing to see here.
397
00:17:31,981 --> 00:17:34,018
-Everything all right?
-Oh, yeah. I'm aces.
398
00:17:34,018 --> 00:17:35,364
-PAUL: Hey!
-Hey.
399
00:17:35,364 --> 00:17:37,642
-I got your note. How we doing?
-What do you care?
400
00:17:37,642 --> 00:17:40,887
We've got it under control.
Go get us some biscotti.
401
00:17:40,887 --> 00:17:42,509
You don't like biscotti.
402
00:17:42,509 --> 00:17:43,717
I'll get some biscotti.
403
00:17:44,546 --> 00:17:45,650
Come here, you.
404
00:17:50,310 --> 00:17:51,449
Sophia, buon giorno.
405
00:17:51,932 --> 00:17:55,074
Buona notte.
It is too late for giorno.
406
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,283
Hope somebody told that
to Giorno.
407
00:17:57,283 --> 00:17:58,249
What?
408
00:17:59,354 --> 00:18:03,392
Um... I think I need
to apologize to you.
409
00:18:03,392 --> 00:18:04,428
For what?
410
00:18:04,911 --> 00:18:09,812
I may have said something,
or acted in a way at lunch,
411
00:18:09,812 --> 00:18:12,884
that was demeaning to Ira,
one thing in particular.
412
00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:14,162
You mean Splinky?
413
00:18:14,162 --> 00:18:15,784
The Splinky story. Yes, exactly.
414
00:18:15,784 --> 00:18:17,682
I think that was maybe
inappropriate of me,
415
00:18:17,682 --> 00:18:20,858
and, listen,
if that had anything at all
416
00:18:20,858 --> 00:18:22,722
to do with the reason
that you and Ira...
417
00:18:22,722 --> 00:18:26,864
Paul, I'm not breaking up
with Ira because of Splinky.
418
00:18:27,692 --> 00:18:29,418
No, I know. Of course not.
419
00:18:29,418 --> 00:18:32,421
I like Splinky.
It was a cute story.
420
00:18:32,421 --> 00:18:34,458
That's what I thought.
Cute story.
421
00:18:34,458 --> 00:18:35,528
It's just...
422
00:18:36,045 --> 00:18:38,462
It's just so much with Ira,
you know?
423
00:18:39,187 --> 00:18:43,225
It's so much.
It's just so... much.
424
00:18:43,846 --> 00:18:46,780
I thought I sensed
he was getting too much.
425
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:48,230
It's so much.
426
00:18:49,542 --> 00:18:52,269
In all fairness, I just think
he likes you so much.
427
00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:56,618
He gets a little nervous,
not to embarrass you,
428
00:18:56,618 --> 00:18:59,068
you're very beautiful.
No, no. You are.
429
00:18:59,068 --> 00:19:03,728
A lot of times, guys get nervous
in front of a beautiful woman,
430
00:19:03,728 --> 00:19:06,421
like a dramatic beauty,
you know what I mean?
431
00:19:06,421 --> 00:19:09,009
-Dramatic?
-For instance, my wife,
432
00:19:09,009 --> 00:19:11,909
it's a sophisticated beauty,
different.
433
00:19:11,909 --> 00:19:13,842
Can I get some biscotti,please?
434
00:19:14,912 --> 00:19:15,982
SOPHIA: Okay.
435
00:19:16,672 --> 00:19:19,158
And then he tells her
the Splinky story.
436
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,676
He told her
the Splinky story?
437
00:19:20,676 --> 00:19:23,576
Yes. He was once
a quality wingman.
438
00:19:24,404 --> 00:19:26,130
Not that it's not a cute story.
439
00:19:26,130 --> 00:19:28,753
Yeah, sure,
if you know the person a little.
440
00:19:28,753 --> 00:19:29,754
Still...
441
00:19:30,617 --> 00:19:33,379
As much as I love to blame
anything I possibly can
442
00:19:33,379 --> 00:19:34,863
on my husband,
443
00:19:34,863 --> 00:19:37,486
it's not the kind of thing
you break up over, you know?
444
00:19:38,625 --> 00:19:39,626
It's not?
445
00:19:43,665 --> 00:19:45,632
I don't know
what happened to me, James.
446
00:19:46,046 --> 00:19:49,464
This woman, she totally
threw me off my game.
447
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:51,569
Happens to the best of us.
448
00:19:52,087 --> 00:19:54,227
I don't know if I had a chance
to tell you.
449
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:56,678
-What?
-I really like your hair.
450
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,300
Thank you.
451
00:19:58,852 --> 00:20:00,613
-Hey!
-Hey.
452
00:20:01,061 --> 00:20:02,753
-Well, you were right.
-IRA: What?
453
00:20:02,753 --> 00:20:05,376
I was talking to Sophia.
She told me I blew it for you,
454
00:20:05,376 --> 00:20:07,723
because she doesn't want to have
anything to do with a guy
455
00:20:07,723 --> 00:20:10,001
who's got a cousin
as dopey as me.
456
00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:12,107
-No kidding?
-Yes, yes, yes.
457
00:20:12,970 --> 00:20:14,592
So, forgive me?
458
00:20:18,769 --> 00:20:20,495
You had sfogliatelli,
didn't you?
459
00:20:20,495 --> 00:20:22,738
Hey, from now on, doughnuts.
460
00:20:22,738 --> 00:20:24,257
It'll be a lot easier
on everybody.
461
00:20:24,913 --> 00:20:26,225
All right.
462
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,088
And my beautiful little bride,
how is she?
463
00:20:28,088 --> 00:20:29,124
She's brunette.
464
00:20:29,711 --> 00:20:32,265
Brunette and beautiful.
Can I just say something?
465
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:36,096
Listen to me.
As a brunette, as a blonde,
466
00:20:36,096 --> 00:20:38,685
as a bald lady
like on Star Trek,
467
00:20:39,134 --> 00:20:41,688
as a fat lady with 11 kids
468
00:20:41,688 --> 00:20:44,795
or a small, little,
petite lady with 15 kids,
469
00:20:44,795 --> 00:20:46,831
as a hill person, as a sock,
470
00:20:46,831 --> 00:20:49,144
whatever you want,
it's all good.
471
00:20:49,662 --> 00:20:50,870
She's fine.
472
00:20:52,389 --> 00:20:53,355
All right.
473
00:20:54,045 --> 00:20:55,944
-Look at this.
-What?
474
00:20:55,944 --> 00:20:58,084
Everybody loves me.
That's better.
475
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,432
-I'm shattered, Paulie.
-I know.
476
00:21:01,432 --> 00:21:03,192
-I'm a shell of a man.
-I understand.
477
00:21:03,192 --> 00:21:05,402
-I will never, ever love again.
-I realize that.
478
00:21:14,549 --> 00:21:19,519
♪ With that old moon above the Mediterranean Sea ♪
479
00:21:19,519 --> 00:21:22,660
♪ In the morningsignorina,
We'll go walking ♪
480
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,698
♪ When the summer
helps the sun ♪
481
00:21:25,698 --> 00:21:27,631
♪ Turn into night
482
00:21:28,045 --> 00:21:29,046
ANTONIO: Nutcake!
483
00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:31,531
♪ And by the little jewelry shop ♪
484
00:21:31,531 --> 00:21:33,982
♪ We'll stop and linger
485
00:21:33,982 --> 00:21:36,260
♪ While I buy a wedding ring
486
00:21:36,260 --> 00:21:38,297
♪ For your finger
487
00:21:38,952 --> 00:21:43,302
♪ In the meantime, let me tell you that I love you ♪
488
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,545
♪ Buona sera signorina
489
00:21:45,545 --> 00:21:47,271
♪ Kiss me good night
490
00:21:49,963 --> 00:21:50,999
[THUD]
35735
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