Original subtitles

Sweetie, did you write a check to the gas co...

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

-So? -I'm getting it.

-Are you sure? -Yes, definitely.

You know how you can feel when it's coming?

Of course.

-PAUL: Do you feel it coming? -I'm getting it.

Well, just don't.

What are you wearing?

Pants.

-Pants? -Yes, pants.

Those aren't pants? Are those pants?

-They're cute. -They're pajama bottoms.

What, so, pajama bottoms are not pants now?

Aren't you filming the pandas at the zoo today?

I am, yes.

-So, you're going out in public? -Yes.

-In your pajama bottoms? -That's right.

Do you really think the crew is gonna respect a director

who is running around in his pajamas?

You ever seen my crew?

They've got their pants half way down their ass.

What, are you kidding?

They're gonna look up to pajamas.

Here it comes.

-PAUL: You feel it? -Yes, I can feel it coming.

Maybe this time it won't come.

-And here it is. -All right, so I'm wrong.

Take those off and put some pants on.

Every month it's like this.

The truth is they're not really periods.

They're more like exclamation points.

-Poor kid. Are you all right? -JAMIE: Yes.

She gets so depressed.

I keep telling her, it's only been four months.

We've have been trying. Just relax.

You can't tell someone to just relax.

It's the worst possible advice ever!

That's what I was hoping to do.

My plan was give her the worst advice I possibly could.

I'm making an appointment with Dr. Stein.

-Who? -Dr. Stein.

-The fertility guy? -JAMIE: Yes.

-Why? Don't. -I'm going to. I have to.

He said he won't talk to you until at least six months.

So? I'll lie.

-You can't lie about that. -Why?

Why can't I tell him I've been infertile for two years?

Tell me why? Yeah, exactly.

How are they gonna check up on that?

It's all done on the honor system.

-All right, Fran. I'm ready. -Oh, that.

I didn't realize what a bad day it was.

-It can wait. -Fran, come on.

Don't be ridiculous. I'm fine. Tell me.

-[SIGHS] Are you sure? -Yes, of course.

All right. Mindy Bresick is having twins.

-See? -No! Are you kidding me?

Mindy Bresick is having twins? Do you hear this?

We are failures as breeders.

We are put on this earth to breed and we have failed.

-How do you make that kind leap? -It's true. We tried, we failed.

Sweetie, I think that's a little bit harsh.

-Have we tried? Have we failed? -Yes. Well--

Okay. We tried, we failed.

I never should have told you this story.

-You asked. I did not volunteer. -Fran, it's fine.

People get pregnant. People have babies.

That's just the way it is.

Because we haven't gotten lucky doesn't mean the world stops.

The fact Mindy Bresick's husband

-is practically a Eunuch-- -All right.

Sweetie, you know what? I've told you a million times.

-You have to learn to-- -What?

-To relax? -No, I wasn't going to say that.

Just to be upset. As upset as you want to be.

I can't wait another two months.

We've got to do something. It's making me crazy.

You know what Mark and I did? I dunno if it made a difference,

but it sure was fun.

Nobody is going to say what?

-What? -What?

We rented a great room at a fancy hotel.

We ordered room service, we had champagne.

Honey, that sounds like fun. Room service, champagne.

Room service, champagne. Good, I've got to go to the zoo.

-JAMIE: In your pajamas? -Yes, in my pajamas?

You know what you should do? Come on!

-What? -What?

Thank you. You should talk to Mark.

All right, we will talk to Mark. Pandas get paid by the hour.

-Good morning, everybody. -Good morning.

How are you doing?

[MONKEYS SCREECHING IN THE DISTANCE]

-What? -Nothing.

They're practically the same as pants!

All right.

Eh, is that the new light meter?

-Yeah, ain't it a beaut? -Yeah. Can I see it?

All right, look, be careful.

I just had this custom made for me in Japan.

I'm gonna be careful. I just wanna see the thing.

-You get so-- Whoa! -Whoa!

Not my fault!

-Oh, man! -Not my fault!

Whose fault was it?

We'll climb down there and we'll get it.

I'm not climbing down there. You dropped it!

Somebody has to go down there and get it.

-Yeah, you got any ideas? -Hey, guys.

-Hey! -Hey!

What are you doing?

-Just working? -Working, huh?

Just trying to get a light reading.

Right. So you haven't shot anything yet, huh?

We haven't shot, no. What are you writing there?

It's nothing.

By the way, where the hell are the bears?

-They're in there. -You sure?

Because I don't see them. Do you guys see them?

They're probably a little nervous

with all the lights and everybody.

-They'll come out. Don't worry. -Don't worry?

I think we have a little problem here,

and I think I'm gonna have to call the office. Okay?

-Say, is that your new phone? -Sure is. I just got it.

Can I see it?

This doesn't work.

I've been reading this same issue of Tennis

since I've been coming here.

What is so humiliating about this?

You don't see it?

No, I'd like to watch TV like this.

-Hey, Mark! -PAUL: Hey, Mark!

Hello, how are you? You were just here, what?

Your last exam was three months ago.

We're just here to chat. My little bride is concerned.

It's been four months and we're not exactly pregnant yet.

I understand fully your anxiety, however,

clinically it's too early to draw any conclusions.

So, there's nothing we can do?

People will tell you to relax,

but anybody who tells you that is an idiot,

because how are you gonna relax?

With all that tension and anxiety?

So there must be something we can do.

-I feel like I have no control. -Yeah, there's a lot of things.

They're a little unconventional,

and how effective they are is open to debate,

but I've seen some of them work.

-Like what? -Like what?

Like, I don't know, for instance, yams.

-Yams? -Yams have been known

-to raise the estrogen level? -Really?

So yams as opposed to sweet potatoes?

Sweet potatoes good for nothing, worthless little tuber,

-but yams on the other hand-- -So, yams. Okay.

-And then there's chi. -BOTH: Chi?

Chi is an energy.

In Asian culture, they believe that infertility

is caused by a blockage of the spleen flow.

Would somebody... What does the spleen do?

-Nobody knows. -I don't!

There's a health food store over on 6th, a great store,

and they have organic herbs and tonics

and they have a whole section related to fertility.

-The corner of 6th? -MARK: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And then, of course, the fur people believe--

-The fur people? -MARK: The fur people.

-What fur people? -MARK: It's a tribe

in the Djibouti section of the Sahara,

and they have this tribal fertility dance.

-Fertility dance? -Yeah, and believe it or not,

they have the highest recorded fertility rate in the world.

-Seriously? -Yeah.

I'd like to see a little bit of the actual dance.

-I'll bet you would. -No, come on.

You say it's the highest fertility rate in the world.

-Show us a little bit. -It's very complicated.

-A small part. -Just a little bit.

It's one of those to the sun,

and to the Earth and then to the fire,

and the rain and the wind and the sun

and the Earth and the fire, and the wind and the fire...

You'll watch if on tape. You'll see!

Look at all this stuff? Where do you begin?

Look at the labels, maybe they specify for fertility.

Senility.

Sterility. Irritability.

Fertility, here we go.

Wild yam root.

That's the root of the actual wild yam.

It says takes with meals.

All right. Take that with meals.

-Blessed thistle. -Thistle?

Thistle. It's the blessed thistle.

It's not the regular thistle. That's the blessed thistle.

I wish they had regular thistle because they blessed,

I get a little bloated from the blessed.

It says, "Take on an empty stomach."

So, this is empty, that's full stomach.

You remember full. I'll remember empty.

I got full. You got empty.

Full stomach, full stomach, full stomach.

Have you ever eaten cramped bark?

I've always wanted to.

-Look, honey, "Don Quai." -What is it?

-Don Quai. -"Don ki?"

-Don Quai. -Ki.

-Quai! -Ki!

-Quai! -Ki, Don ki!

-How do you know? -Let it be ki!

-I just can't. -Grow up, would you?

Look at this, you can steam it.

You can roast it, you can steep it like a tea.

Take this three times a day, you take it four times a day,

you can take it six times a day or once a day.

You cannot take this at all and it still would help you.

That's the kind of miracle herb it is.

Look, sweetie, fertility recipes.

-Do we have a pressure cooker? -Sure we do.

We put all this stuff into the pressure cooker,

and you make a stew.

We've been going at it all wrong.

Apparently, babies come from stew.

Wow, smell this!

Do we eat that or just lobby it into a room full of anarchists?

Don't make fun. I have to eat it.

Come on, we're gonna go rub you, unblock your spleen.

We're gonna get so much chi flowing out of you,

you're gonna have to come in and clean it up.

I read that the sperm counts

have mysteriously declined 50 percent in the last 75 years.

You know why? Fluoride.

You're gonna have to get checked.

I will. I'm gonna get checked, but first, let's rub you.

Come on. Come over here.

Fifty percent in the last 75 years!

Does it mean my father would have a better chance

of getting you pregnant than me?

Yes. Statistically, he would.

A little frightening. All right, here we go.

Don't look, you look there. You're relaxing, okay?

So, it's point B One.

GV to Six.

Here.

You know something? I think I feel something.

Foolish?

I may very well be feeling my spleen unblocking.

Really? It's wild.

Okay, so this connects to the spleen

and this connects to your fax modem or something.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm getting all worked up over nothing.

-Maybe I just have to relax. -That's right.

-It's ironic, though, isn't it? -What?

-I'm the only boy in my family. -Yeah.

-I only have sisters. -Yeah.

So, technically, I can be the last Buchman.

Honey, I wouldn't worry about that.

No, I'm not worried about it. It's just...

You know, it's a thought.

If you think about it, there's a whole lot of Buchmans

and it stops with me and then suddenly,

like, I could be the very last one.

-Honey? -PAUL: That's wild.

Like, who would follow in my footsteps?

There's nobody to follow-- I'm the last Buchman.

I'm sure somebody would.

That's just wild. That's a wild thought.

It's like, "Hi, how are you? Paul Buchman. I'm the last one."

"Say hello to me, there's no more behind me."

"Hi. Can I have the number for Buchmans?"

"There are none." Interesting. Wow, I'd be the end of the line.

I think you have to get ahold of yourself.

I felt my spleen block up there.

Sweetie, it's gonna be okay, just relax.

[THUD]

-My God. -What was that?

That was my spleen, I think.

-Oh, God. -Ooh, wow!

[GROANS]

Did you follow the instructions?

Yes, cook until food explodes.

I just thought I'd ask.

PAUL: Come on, it stinks in here.

JAMIE: God, it's overwhelming.

-Did you call the hotel? -PAUL: Yes, let's get going.

-JAMIE: Murray! -PAUL: Murray, come on!

Welcome to the Flagton! The flight ship property

of the Transpacific Five Winds Mermon family chain of hotels.

Would you like to see a brochure?

Sure.

Here you go.

This highlights the 400 Transpacific Five Winds

Mermon family chain hotels worldwide.

Wow. I'm sorry to trouble you,

but my aunt is gonna be traveling somewhere soon.

Do you have another one?

-Of course. -Thanks.

RECEPTIONIST: Here you go.

Can I interest you in our Transpacific Five Winds

Mermon family chain of hotels membership club?

Is there some sort of form to fill out?

Yes, I got one right down here somewhere.

RECEPTIONIST: Here you go.

Each time you check into a Transpacific Five Winds

Mermon family chain of hotels,

you build up valuable bonus points

which could lead to free weekend

or week long stays at specially selected

participating Transpacific Five Winds

Mermon family chain of hotels

in the continental U.S. and Belize.

Wow, Goodness! Do you have a pen?

-Right here. -[CHUCKLES] Thanks. Oops.

-Allow me. -JAMIE: Thanks.

Get in here!

[SCREAMING]

Hi, my wife had to, uh, something.

We just want to check in, please.

Yes, all right. Do you have a reservation?

-Sure do. Buchman. -Bukman with a K?

-CH. -Ah, Book-man.

-Buchman, actually. -Book-man.

It's Buchman.

Book-man, Book-man, Book-man.

Buchman! Buchman, Buchman.

Book-man!

-Are you German? -No, Buchman. It really is.

-Book-man sounds German. -It's not.

Oh, did you know English is Germany's second language?

- I did not. -Yeah.

Can I be honest with you?

-Of course. Just sign here. -Okay.

-And here are your keys. -Thank you very much.

-See, my wife and I we were-- -Oh, I almost forgot.

Can I interest you in discount passes

to our world renowned Transpacific Five Winds

Mermon family chain of hotels breakfast buffet?

-Here is the thing-- -Oh, they're in the back.

-I'll be right back. -Okay.

[MAKES FUNNY NOISE]

You know what?

I was doing a lot of thinking in there.

I was thinking about this last Buchman thing.

I'm very upset.

-[SNORES] -I knew you would care.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-Who is it? -MAN: Room service.

-Oh, thank you very much. -Hey.

I just couldn't see spending $49 on a piece of fruit.

-Yeah. -Wow.

Paulie, pretty swanky digs.

-Who are you? The Bowery Boys? -You know something?

All this time I lived in the city.

I never once been in one of these fancy hotels.

-Nice, huh? -Very nice.

-Wow, Jamie is sleeping. -Don't worry about her.

When she sleeps, she's like dead to the world.

Watch.

[LAUGHS]

-Let me try. -It's not even sleep.

It's like a medical condition with her.

Hey, hey, hey, we talked about this.

-What-- -It's all right. Knock it off.

I should go, huh?

-Stick around, we're good. -Wow.

-You got the porno channel? -You know what? I don't know.

Here we go! Forest Hump.

That's disgusting.

Well, I didn't write it. I just watch it.

-Let me ask you something. -IRA: What?

Does it bother you to know that if we don't procreate soon,

it means that it's the end of the Buchman dynasty?

-Dynasty? -Yeah.

Paulie, the Mings had a dynasty. The Buchman has got a puppy

and a piece of fish in the freezer.

But you and I are it.

If we don't produce an heir, it's all over.

Yeah, if you and me are it,

I would say it deserves to be all over.

-It doesn't bother you? -No, it doesn't bother me.

-We're the last Buchmans. -So what? So what?

Do you see any little Shakespeare's running around?

Have you ever heard of a Michelangelo Jr.?

Paulie, the father of our country,

George Washington, had no kids. Moses had no kids.

You think the world is gonna be a poorer place

because you have not produced an heir.

In my opinion, that is no reason to have kids.

It's just pure ego. A child, Paulie,

should be the product of the natural, organic love

between two committed people.

Now, please, can we watch the porno channel?

[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]

-Moses had no kids? -I don't know.

Hi, sorry I'm late.

-You're 14 minutes late. -Yeah, all right.

I did some reading last night. These bears are not coming out.

-Well, they have to. -You don't understand.

-This is their mating season. -Pandas mating. Super!

-Let's get some of that. -They're not gonna do it.

They're not gonna do it under these conditions.

-Why the hell not? -Because it's just too much.

Look, we're all around.

Everybody is looking and it's too much pressure.

-Pressure? -Yeah.

Pressure? You know,

if we don't get some footage of pandas pronto,

we're packing up and pulling the plug.

Do you get my point?

Do you have any idea how much you spit on me there?

Look, you're the director.

What will we do if they don't come out?

I'll buy you a balloon and a bag of nuts, all right?

Calm down.

I don't know. Let me just think about this.

Let's just take five minutes

-and let me figure it out. -Okay, everybody, take five.

That's great. Uptight pandas.

You don't have this with trained animals.

They mate on cue.

They're only in heat, like, three days a year.

-Give them a break. -Three days?

-That's it? -Yeah.

-[BEARS ROARING] -Hey, hey, hey.

-Hey, there they are. -You bet.

They're moving.

They're not just moving, they're mating.

How are we gonna get this? The crew is on five.

I'm just going to get it. You and me.

You know what?

-Hold my camera one second. -Yeah.

Oh, this is unbelievable. This is unbelievable.

-Great. -Grab my belt.

-Yeah. -All right.

-Okay, give me the camera. -Yeah.

[SCREAMS]

Paulie, you wanna get my phone? It's right over there.

-Listen to this. -Shh!

-Hi. -Hi.

-What happened to you? -I fell in the panda pit.

-Oh, my God! Are you all right? -I'm fine.

Let me tell you what happened? The bears mated.

-They mated? -They mated.

It was the most amazing thing. The crew was on a five, right?

So the first time there's nobody around

and you can see these bears,

you know, they're from another country.

They don't know what they're doing.

They're, like, on the verge of the extinction,

for all they know they can be the last pandas.

And still with all this pressure all that on them,

you could see they just kind of went, "The hell with it."

-Aw, was it romantic? -Yeah, interestingly.

The male panda, he puts his paw on the woman's shoulder...

-and he pulled her to his lap. -Mm.

And then it was funny. He takes off her sweater.

Wearing a little sweater, was she?

PAUL: She was wearing a little panda sweater.

-Mm-hmm. -And...

And then he-- The male panda said, "We just have to relax."

[CHUCKLES]

By the way, I'm awake.

So, you're a German Shepherd?

German Shorthaired Pointer?

Schnauzer?

Dachshund?

Pinscher?

Jagdterrier?

Bavarian Mountain Hound?