Original subtitles

Wait, did your father ever say anything about that tie?

No.

That tie I got him for his birthday?

Oh, yeah. He loved it.

-What did he say? -He said, "I love it."

-That's all he said? -What should he say?

Well, I don't know. It was a very expensive tie.

He said that.

-He said that to you? -Yes.

He did not.

Why can't this gift thing end with the giving?

It just can't.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

-Cinnamon? -PAUL: Yeah.

-Raisins? -Light or dark?

-Light, but they're the same-- -No!

Man, this bathroom is freezing!

-Oh, honey? -Hot oatmeal on its way!

You remember that guy on the 4th floor

-with the accent? -Yeah.

You were right, he's Dutch.

See?

But I was also right, because I asked his wife.

There is something wrong with his tongue.

It's so cold in here!

There are actually flies ice skating in the sink.

I can't believe how cold this bathroom is!

No, don't get up.

Do I wanna eat on this side of the apartment

with our coats on,

or in the living room naked where it's 500 degrees?

Living room, naked.

-This is not hot. -It was when I came in here.

There's nothing worse than cold, hot oatmeal.

-New, old cheese. -All right. You win.

Seriously, don't get up. Would you look at your dog?

It's the only comfortable place in the apartment.

It's like Alaska in there. It's Tahiti in here.

He's lying right on the Ecuador.

How come the super gets to go to Florida,

and we're here suffering.

Yeah. Hey, that's why

we have to stop tipping this guy for Christmas.

He doesn't do anything and he doesn't pay rent

and for this, we're over tipping him.

Honey, we give him 40 bucks.

Forty? 30, I gave the 10 to the doorman.

You tipped the super 30 dollars?

He doesn't do anything! He goes to Florida!

For 30 bucks? I don't blame him.

Yeah, that money goes straight to air fare.

It's like a sauna in here.

It's good though, because this way when we eat,

as we eat, we're burning calories.

Why am I eating hot cereal in this weather?

I don't know.

So last night was nice, huh?

Uh-huh.

"“Uh-huh,"” what? "“Uh-huh, it was nice,"”

or, "“Uh-huh, I'm just diluting myself"”?

-[DOORBELL RINGING] -Well, it can't always be great.

It's true, because then we have nothing to reach for.

Honey, sometimes, it's better not to discuss this.

I know, but on the other hand, not discussing...

-JAMIE: I know. -PAUL: You know what I'm saying?

-Hey! -Hey! What is that?

-From the doorman. -It must be from that big fat

10 spot we slipped him.

-PAUL: All right. -You ready?

-Yeah, come on. Let's do it. -Man, it's like a sauna in here!

You could eat food and burn calories at the same time!

I just said that.

-Really? -I swear.

-This is so sweet! -What is that?

"My favorite couple. Love, Ira."

Oh, I don't like this.

Are you kidding? It's beautiful!

Not the bowl, I don't like the whole thing of this.

What "whole thing of this"?

-He's taking me to lunch today? -So?

So he's taking me to lunch and he's buying you a bowl.

He's buying Fran earrings!

-When? -When?

I don't know, about a month ago.

I took her out to Lutes, bought her pearl earrings,

then he probably took her back to the bedroom--

-All right, no! -No way!

I'm fine! Look, I love Ira.

He nails my wife, he buys her earrings.

What's not to love?

Please open a window in here or something?

-They're stuck from the heat. -Oh, it's so humid!

I haven't felt humidity like this

since I delivered triplets

in an adobe hut near Albuquerque.

-Did you say that earlier? -I did not.

-I didn't think so. -Okay, guys. Have fun.

When you see him next time,

he'll be hooked and get you hooked.

-Don't hold your breath. -You'll see.

Oh, sweetie, what's your thing today?

-I'm waiting here. -For what?

Lisa has a wrench.

Okay.

-What's that mean? -PAUL: I have no idea.

MARK: And the thing about golf is that it's a beautiful game,

played in a beautiful setting.

Paul, you're gonna love it!

Will you relax, please? Just relax!

Relax your hands! Look at you, how tense!

You relax your shoulders, your legs.

Come on, doesn't this feel good?

Isn't this nice now, huh?

So it's like a massage, but I'm holding a stick.

Here, give me that.

Okay, it's very simple.

You just keep your feet in cement and just you swivel

and you just hit it very--

Oh, look at that. You see?

-I sliced it into the trees. -What trees?

There's a dry cleaner's next door.

And this game is perfect for you and Jamie,

because you play on the weekends,

and you play on vacations

and you get good enough, you join a club.

You play at tournaments and you become so competitive.

And the pressure is unbelievable!

So, in other words, it starts off as a fun thing

and ends up as a source of aggravation.

-Like you couldn't believe. -Well, I believe it.

It happened to my sex life, why not golf?

Loosen up, will you? Loosen the grip,

like you're holding a sparrow. Loose hands! Very loose!

-Oh, that's good. -So, "“that's good,"” you say?

Yeah, the club went straight so it's very important.

-What's going on? -What?

-You and Jamie? -Well, nothing.

No, come on talk to me! I'm a professional!

Just the whole pregnant thing! It's like a lot of pressure.

I know, you don't get pregnant overnight.

How long did it take you and Fran?

-What, me? -Yeah.

Well, you know, Fran gave me the sign,

I stepped up to the plate, boom out of the park.

-Well, it's good to hear. -Don't worry. It'll get better.

Yeah, and if it doesn't?

Then you end up like Fran and me.

You know what? You don't laugh at other people's jokes.

-Hey, Paulie, taste this. -What?

Tell me this is not the best egg roll you ever had.

-You got duck sauce? -Will you forget the duck sauce?

-Wow! -Go ahead, say it.

-That's good. -No, Paulie, say it.

-That's the best egg roll ever. -Thank you.

How come I never heard of this place?

Because it is an underground casino.

-Where? -Upstairs.

-Upstairs? -Yeah.

-An underground casino upstairs? -That's right.

You don't get sneakier than that.

These are unbelievable.

Yeah, they're tasty, but expensive.

-How much? -It's free if you're willing

to wager 200 dollars at the table.

You're gambling again, huh?

Paulie, I'm not gambling, I'm winning.

-I knew it. -What?

You're sending people plates, you buying pearls.

What is the matter with you?

Paulie, you remember Flushing Park?

-We used to play stick ball. -Yeah.

You couldn't beat me. I was unbeatable

-at Flushing Park, right? -So?

So I'm unbeatable at this place. Same thing.

Come on. I'll show you.

Ira, you and gambling, you don't mix.

-Why not? -Because you always lose.

Paulie, not here. This place is different.

Why? Only because they make an exceptional egg roll.

And I'll tell you what it is, they're not chancy with shrimps.

-Give my regards to Broadway. -Remember me to Harold Square.

You're in.

Tell all the gang at 42nd street that I will soon be there.

-Who is this guy? -Bobby, he's okay.

If I were a rich man...

♪ [HUMS "IF I WERE A RICH MAN"] ♪

You're in.

Johnny! How is it going, man? You look very sharp.

-How are you doing? -Johnny.

-Hey, John. -Johnny!

-In other words, "Johnny." -Johnny!

-Johnny is strong. -Yeah.

CROUPIER: Place your bets.

Weren't you going to meetings for this?

Will you relax? I'm on a roll, here.

-I can't lose. -CROUPIER: Dealers Black Jack.

I'm not even going to respond to that.

-LISA: It's me! -JAMIE: One second!

-Ta-da! -Excellent!

Where did you get that thing?

Okay, remember Abril? The Conned guy

-with the shoulders? -Yeah.

I'm walking down 43rd street, there's a Conned truck,

the guy is bent over, so I goose him from behind.

He turns around, of course, it's not him!

I'm so embarrassed!

-Did he get you the wrench? -No, this? I've had forever.

God, it's really great in here. It's so hot. It's like camp.

Remember camp?

Remember how home sick you were?

[LAUGHS]

Why can't I get this damn thing to move?

-What's with you? -What? I'm hot.

Why are you doing the eyebrow thing?

What eyebrow thing?

You're sexually frustrated.

-All right. Cut it out! -It's okay.

-I'm not sexual frustrated. -Well, I'm certainly not.

Because you're sexually harass people at work.

-Well, I'm the boss. -Yes, I'm very proud of you.

-You know what? Let me try that. -Okay.

-So? -It's nothing.

Come on, you're gonna tell me.

It's been better, all right?

-And now it stinks? -It doesn't stink!

Come on, you're gonna tell me!

We're just trying too hard. That's all.

You told me trying was making sex more romantic.

In the beginning it was, when we first started trying

and now it's gotten...

I don't know, it feels like it's become...

-Not so good. -Yeah, I knew you'd tell me.

No wonder it's so hot in here! That thing is full of steam!

-Hey. -Hey.

Why is it partly cloudy in here?

Steam. Look at my pores, completely unclogged.

You have gorgeous pores. I've always said that.

-Do we have any Alka Seltzer? -It's in the bathroom.

If we could get these clouds

to move into the bedroom, we could actually get snow.

All right, here we go. I'm going in.

-Are you okay? -No, I'm not.

-Ask me what I just ate. -What did you just eat?

Seven, no exaggeration,

seven egg rolls the size of my head,

while I watched my dopey cousin lose 4,000 dollars playing 21.

Although, actually, after the way he played,

they're gonna rename it 26.

-Ira is gambling? -Well, not anymore.

He just run out of the money. Where is the--

-Here. -Thank you.

You can't get angry at him. He has a problem.

Well, now it's our problem.

He needs to borrow 4,000 dollars.

Why can't he go to his parents?

Because they'll think he's gambling.

He is gambling!

What do you want me to tell you? There are big guys

who are expecting money from Ira.

-Are we not helping him? -Okay.

-Can we just talk about it? -All right, let's talk about it.

You really think just giving him the money

is the best thing to do?

What do you suggest?

That we call of up these guys and tell them,

"Guys, in lieu of cash, my wife would like to arrange

to have 4,000 dollars-worth of free publicity."

All right. You know what? Don't get pissy.

No, I'm pissy. I'm sweating like a pig.

Where is your checkbook?

You give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

If you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

You know, that's a side of you nobody likes, don't you?

When we have kids, if they get in trouble,

you're just going to bail them out?

Why not? We do that for your sister.

That is completely different. Lisa lacks the ability to learn.

So how come she's working in that store for six months,

she's been promoted 11 times.

I keep telling you she's a retailing savant.

-Why are these checks wet? -Wait a minute.

What do you suggest we do?

I don't think it's fair we delve into our hard-earned nest egg

because Ira is on a cold streak.

-It's not fair. -Then why should we do it?

We're doing it,

because if we don't and they break his legs,

then I don't have anybody to play racquetball with.

No wise guy is gonna put the hurt on him

for a measly four thou.

Who are you? Salatso?

My father is a butcher. You think I don't know about it?

What, show me the connection there.

The best thing you could do for Ira is force him

to take responsibility.

All right. You know what?

When they find him in a meat locker,

it will be your responsibility.

-Oh, my God. -What happened?

I can't believe you're gonna be one

-of those kinds of parents. -You know what, babe?

The way things are going in that department,

I don't think we should worry about that soon.

-What does it supposed to mean? -I dunno what it means.

Are you saying it's my fault we're not getting pregnant?

No, I so not saying that.

-That is such a cheap shot. -It's not a shot.

-You're saying it wasn't a dig? -No dig!

-Then what are you saying? -I don't know what I'm saying.

-Yeah, right. -Come here.

Maybe we're just having a little cold streak of our own.

So, it was a dig?

Yeah.

PAUL: If you hear from Ira, please have him call me.

All right.

Miss they don't hurt a guy for a measly four thou.

It's been three days now. Nobody has seen a trace of Ira.

-He's probably at the track. -Okay.

How come he's not returning my calls, huh?

I'm leaving messages for him all over town.

I'm sure he's mad at you for not giving him the money.

Not at me, if anybody, he'd be mad at you then.

I'd give him the money.

I love how you make me the bad guy.

You are the bad guy.

I hope you didn't present it that way to Ira,

because we agreed to present a united front.

I just wish we agreed to give him the money.

Giving it to him would be the worst thing you could do.

He's supposed to stop gambling.

How many times have you tried to quit smoking?

-I'm not smoking now. -Yeah, that's just only

because you're trying to get pregnant.

God knows how long that will take.

-Was that a dig? -A little bit.

Wait, where are you going?

I wanna go to Ira's apartment.

-I wanna make sure he's okay. -He's fine.

-These guys don't fool around. -All right.

-I'm going with you. -All right, fine.

Good. So you go with me.

What are you looking for?

Sweetie?

This is all we have to hit somebody with?

The rest of you guys wait out there!

-Hey, Ira? -What happened?

All right.

-Go look in there. -You look in there!

Honey, where did we park? Near the SWAT team?

-Go check his answering machine? -I am.

Look in there. I looked in there!

[BEEP]

MAN: Blinky, it's me. Are you there?

Pick up the phone. No, he's not there.

-JAMIE: He's not there. -Look at this.

You thought he wasn't gonna like it.

He puts it on the coffee table.

[BEEP]

Ira, it's Johnny. Where is my four grand?

In other words, you owe me four grand!

-Don't make me look for you.-You hear that?

It's tough talk. That's all.

[BEEP]

PAUL: Ira? I'm sorry I couldn't give you the money.

I wanted to, but Jamie wouldn't go for it.

Let's plan for the future thing. Call me.

It's funny it sounds like me.

-Look at this picture. -What is this?

Look at me with hair so short. I can't even believe it.

-Yeah, this was four years ago? -Look at how thin you were.

I'm almost like too thin.

-We gave him these. -Gave him that chair too.

-And this frame. -Look at this.

He's got more pictures of us than we do.

He likes us more than we do.

God, what if something happens to him?

-What is gonna happen to him? -I don't know.

What if somebody broke his legs?

You said they don't put the hurt for a measly four thou.

I believed it when I said it.

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudel?

♪ [SINGS "MY FAVORITE THINGS"]

You're in.

♪ [SINGS "MY FAVORITE THINGS"]

-Who is this guy? -He's okay. Come on.

Wow! This place is great.

-Give me 20 dollars. -Behave yourself.

How are you doing? You remember me?

-No. -You remember Ira?

-You mean Ira? -Ira!

-In other words, Ira? -In other words, Ira.

Here's 4,000 dollars, made out to cash.

-Okay? -The blonde is a good tipper.

That's for Ira's tab. He owes you 4,000,

so you can stop bothering him now.

-Oh, Ira is even. -Since when?

Since this morning. He's been hitting pretty good.

-So, where is he? -He must have just stepped out.

So, you didn't, like, rough him up?

We don't rough anybody up for a measly four thou.

-Honey, egg rolls. -Hey, you got to play to eat!

In other words, if you eat, you play.

All right, I'm gonna play.

-You know what, honey? -I want to play.

-Okay, but not here. -Why?

This guy is unlucky. This guy, here we go.

He's got the word "bust" all over him.

All right.

And remember? Never hit on 17.

Even if the dealer has an eight?

-What did I just say? -Never hit on 17.

Exactly. In other words, never hit on 17.

[WHISPERING] He's right behind you.

-Did he hear me? -No.

-Hit me. -No, hit me!

-I want another card! -What do you have?

-Seventeen. -What did I say?

-Never hit on 17. -Exactly right.

Hit me.

-Twenty-one. -I think you owe her some money.

-Hey! -What?

Didn't I tell you never to hit on 17?

This is the most trouble I've ever been in my whole life.

We're in jail. Do you realize that?

Right now if anybody asks "Have you seen Paul and Jamie?

Yeah, they're in jail.

They're in the big house. They're doing time."

Look, our thumb prints are almost identical.

But we have records now! Do you understand that?

-You and I we're convicts. -Honey, will you relax?

We'll be out in a few of hours. You made the call, right?

Huh? What call?

They gave you one call. I'm assuming you made it.

Oh, yeah, no one called.

What do you mean, "no one called"?

Our machine, nobody called.

You used your one phone call to check the machine?

-What am I? An idiot? -What an idiot!

-Why wouldn't I call Ira? -You called home?

-What about your call? -I called Nat to walk Murray.

Did you tell him to come with some bail money?

I don't want people knowing we're in jail!

That's the whole purpose of that call!

You know what? We're too dumb to have kids.

So what do we do now?

What?

-We're in jail. -What are they gonna do?

What, are they gonna arrest us?

-Okay, there was something. -I know.

Listen, we are gonna get pregnant.

You know that, don't you?

-You promise? -I promise.

I don't think here is the best place.

-I like it here! -All right.

Maybe we can get like a summer home

in Rikers Island or something.

[LAUGHS]

Shut up.

Don't worry about it. The guard is coming.

I hope you don't hate me.

-Come here. -What?

I didn't give you the money

because I thought you were gonna gamble it.

Odds are you're right.

Listen, you know what they say.

If you give a guy a fish, then he eats for one day,

but if you're fishing together like a whole week...

If you're fishing over your lifetime, every day...

But he eats some of the fish...

You always have some fish that you couldn't finish.

-What is he talking about? -I don't know.

As of this moment, you and I are ex-cons.

Yep. Something our kids'll have to learn to live with.

Here it is!

Obviously, they'll buy it out in a playground.

-Because we did time. -We did a stretch.