Original subtitles

Honey, this is stuck. Can you help me?

[RATTLING]

[GRUNTS]

No.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

JAMIE: I can't believe what is on this menu.

When they say "wild game," they're not kidding around.

"Rattlesnake"?

It supposedly tastes like chicken.

What tastes like salad?

"Hawk."

Look at this, "wild elk". Did you ever have wild elk?

Yes, on the Lewis and Clark Expedition.

"Gazelle"? Why did she take us here?

Because, you know, she is my boss.

Whatever one's boss wants one to eat, one eats.

-I'm sorry. That was my office. -Oh-oh!

You and I have to re-cut the entire Fiji special

first thing in the morning.

-Really? -Always wanted to go to Fiji.

It's wonderful. I go all the time.

Just like that. Boom! Fiji. She goes.

It's easy when you're not tied down.

-You've never been? -Fiji? No.

You should do it while you still can.

My friends with kids can barely get out of the house.

-You hear that, honey? -You'd love Fiji.

It's the best place to unwind.

As soon as I land, I shed my clothes,

and for a week I just gallivant around the island naked.

We went to Jones Beach for a day and ran around without sunblock.

[LAUGHS]

We're just crazy that way.

Excuse me, how is the ostrich prepared?

They break it to him gently.

So, he's not as scared. The ostrich.

With an orange sauce.

-What are you having, babe? -You know what's great? Buffalo.

All right. I'll have the buffalo, rare.

-Really? -JAMIE: Yeah.

So, the buffalo for Madame?

Yes, the buffalo. You know what, I just can't.

Yes, yes, yes, go!

No, no, no, I can't. Get me a plain green salad.

I'll have the same.

Salad? What are you guys, a couple of girls?

You should have something bold.

Perhaps the baby duck?

It's just too sad.

Oh, come on!

The ostrich? How old is that?

It's no baby.

-You're going to have ostrich? -[WHISPERING] Go for it.

All right. Ostrich. Go strangle me one of those.

So, in Fiji, you wear nothing at all?

-Just a smile. -What a lovely smile it is.

You know, your smile's not so bad yourself.

Okay, why not just throw her on the table and do it?

-[GASPS] -What?

-[SIGHS] -Huh?

Are you okay?

-Yeah. -What happened?

Nothing. Just, uh, go back to sleep.

-What happened? -Nothing.

It's nothing.

Nothing? Feel your heart.

What have you got in there?

I swallowed Buddy Rich.

Sweetie, did you have a bad dream?

No, no. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

I was just-- Oh, man, that was weird.

So, you're not going to tell me?

It was just a dream.

Oh!

-What "oh"? -Come on, who was she?

Why must you assume?

Because if it wasn't one of those

you'd have told me already.

No, it wasn't-- You were in it, too.

Oh, it was one of those?

No. It was basically exactly what happened tonight.

You, me and Allison were having dinner

at that stupid restaurant.

-I ate ostrich, didn't I? -Yes, you did.

-Why would you let me do that? -You were enjoying showing off.

I'm not enjoying this little ostrich after-kick.

I don't feel so good.

So, what spooked you?

-In the dream? -Who remembers?

Come on.

-You and Allison. -Me and Allison what?

Tell me.

-You really want to know? -Would you just tell me?

I may have kissed her, accidentally.

There it is. See? Good for you.

Was that so hard?

It wasn't like a good kiss. I didn't particularly enjoy it.

Well, go back to sleep and give it another shot.

NARRATOR: From one end of the island to the other,

the proud people of Fiji enjoy a game of catch

using a conch shell and large gingko nut.

I had a great time getting to know Jamie last night.

-She's wonderful. -She had a great time, too.

And you?

I was good right up to the ostrich.

[LAUGHS]

-That's not a gingko nut. -What's that?

The guy's saying gingko nut, but it's not a gingko nut.

Anybody mind?

-I don't. -Moving on.

Wait a minute. Go back two frames, Sid.

See if we can get out there. What's the date?

Uh, February 12th.

What?

-Nothing. -What?

Probably shouldn't even say this.

I had the wildest dream last night.

-About what? -Forget it.

Okay.

Well, actually, if you want to know,

It was about dinner last night

and me and Jamie and you were sitting there,

and just as...

You know what?

This is inappropriate conversation for the workplace.

-Ooh! -What "ooh"?

One of those dreams.

No, no, no, no, no. It was just a dream.

There's nothing "just" about dreams.

Didn't you see the dream special?

No, I didn't.

You didn't see the dreams special? I produced it.

The one with the dreams? Yes, I did! I did!

Well, dreams are always about something,

what you want, what you fear.

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS]

Maybe it's about what you fear you want.

Bunch of hooey.

Well, I don't know.

See, I don't know what this dream with you and me

was actually about.

Well, what do you think it was about?

-Hi. -Hi.

Hi.

Great, why don't you just throw her down--

[GASPS]

Ate a rabbit. Ate a little rabbit.

-Are you up? -Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Apparently, I am.

Wow, I just had the oddest dream.

What, is everybody doing this now?

Man!

You know what? Walk me in to get a cracker? We'll talk.

What was it? It was something.

Oh, God, what? Something with a duck?

-Sexual? -No.

Because I got nervous.

Yes, yes! Yes, it was!

You were making out with Allison in my dream, too.

I'm glad I shared that.

And Sid was there.

Are you dreaming in my office again?

-Yes. -I've asked you not to do that.

God, I can't believe

you were making out right in front of me.

Sweetie, I don't think I can really be blamed

for things I did in your dreams.

I'm not blaming, I just want to understand it.

What's to understand?

I'm just getting lucky in every dream in town.

Here you go. Oysterettes. That's like crackers, right?

-Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! -Ow! What?

God! It was on my birthday!

You dream on specific dates?

Yes. She was just about to pour milk in her coffee,

And she asked you what the date was

and the date was my birthday, and the milk was bad. Okay?

Something was bad on my birthday.

What does that mean?

Your parents, no damn good.

I'm serious.

I didn't wanna say anything, they were always nice to me.

You don't think that means something?

You know what it means? It means you shouldn't ask me about

my dreams 'cause they stick in your head,

and we don't fall asleep till we're 60.

I'm so nauseous, I could weep.

You don't think that has significance?

PAUL: How is that significant?

You are making love to another woman on my birthday.

In your dreams, baby! In your dreams!

-Granted, but it's so malicious! -Malicious.

Are you angry at me about something?

I don't know, Dopey. It's your dream. You tell me.

Am I angry at you about something?

-Yes! -Okay. What?

I don't know.

When you got something, you let me know.

Fine, kid all you want, I know you're upset about something.

I'm not aware of being upset.

-There's something. -There's nothing.

Dreams are never just nothing.

They're what you want, what you fear,

what you fear you want.

Where'd you get that?

I almost minored in psychology.

All right, good.

Can we talk about this in the morning?

-I'd rather talk about it now. -Okay. Just give me six hours.

That's fine. Can we just talk about it now?

-Good night. -Good night.

-[CLATTERING] -[PAUL SCREAMS]

Are you okay?

PAUL: No! I'm not okay!

-What happened? -PAUL: I just dropped a bottle

of grapefruit astringent on my foot.

Oh, sweetie.

Don't worry, it didn't break. My pinkie toe broke the fall.

Ever drop grapefruit astringent on your pinkie toe?

-No, I never did. -No, I wouldn't think you did.

Let me tell you something, it hurts, it hurts a lot.

Astringent on foot? Yeah, that hurts.

-Well, let me just take a look. -You can't see my foot.

Know what else I can't see? Alka Seltzer, Maalox.

-Okay. Let me look. -Pepto Bismol.

You know why? Because there is none.

There's 15,000 bottles there, but not one thing I can use!

Why is that? Explain that to me!

-Okay, if you're upset-- -I'm not upset.

I'm in a lot of pain and I'm sick, all right? I'm sick--

-Whoa. Whoa. -What?

-Sweetie, what? -Get out.

Why do I have to get out?

If you're sick, I'd rather be-- Sweetie?

[CLATTERING]

-Sweetie? -[GROWLING]

-Sweetie? -[GROWLING]

-Paul, are you okay? -[GROWLING]

-[GASPS] -What?

-God! Are you okay? -I'm not well at all.

[GROWLING]

Memories, Dreams, and Insight.

Why do we have two copies of The Judy Carne Story?

Who's Judy Carne?

Judy Carne from Laugh-In. Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In?

I know Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.

Oh! You're so young. Judy Came,

she used to be in the party scenes, doing the Frug.

-I know the Frug. -You don't know the Frug.

The Frug! The Frug! I know.

Yes. Hello. Hi. Dr. Hazelkorn. This is the service.

Okay. I have made a horrible mistake.

Bingo!

I have eaten something,

and I don't know-- I'll hold. Yes.

-Your stomach isn't killing you? -I had a salad.

Yeah, hi. Can you have him call me, please?

I'm a patient of his,

and I don't know if it's food poisoning, exactly.

Here we go, "Dreams, interpretation."

What did I have? Okay. Here's the thing.

I'm not sure. I may have had

some bad baby duck and a piece of ostrich.

Hello?

-[DIAL TONE] -She hung up.

I remember it was toward the end of the semester.

It starts in my stomach, then shoots up my neck

and flicks me in the back of the eyes.

Here it is, "Repression of emotions can surface

as patients act out their rage in dream states."

And you, what? You just don't care at all?

We are going to get to the bottom of this.

There is no bottom. That's just a rumor.

There's always a bottom.

Okay, there is a bottom. Can we go back to bed, please?

-Not yet. -I have to sit down.

Okay. Now, in your dream, we were in the restaurant--

Oh, if this is like the United States,

I'm nauseous from Missouri to Utah.

And you were kissing her on the table while I watched.

Why is it always my dream? Let's talk about your dream.

Fine, in my dream, you kissed her in your office

-while I watched! -See, that's better.

You'll feel better when we figure this out.

Remember when I kept having those

recurring dreams about my father?

I kept wondering, "Why is he in an astronaut suit?"

And then I remembered, when I was six-years-old,

I saw the moon landing with my father.

Sweetie? Sweetie?

-Sweetie? -[GASPS]

-Are you sleeping? -No.

One second, maybe. I heard everything. Your father--

It's not important. It's not--

I heard almost everything. I was resting my eyes.

Okay. Here we go. This is good. I'll say a word,

you say the first thing that comes into your mind.

Oh, just shoot me now.

It will give us a clue to our dreams.

-Horse. -Sweetie, it's the middle--

-Horse! -Shoe.

Horseshoe.

Shoe.

-Tree. -Tree.

-Dog. -Dog.

Pants.

A dog pants.

-Pants. -Hat.

-Hat. -Alabama.

-What is the matter with you? -That's what came to mind.

-Who says Alabama? -What is the right answer?

Fine. Hat, Alabama.

Now, we look in the index, at the back of the book,

and there is a list of every possible interpretation.

-Good night. -I haven't cracked this yet.

I'm not in the mood for cracking.

If Hazelkorn calls back, tell him I've died,

but thank you for getting back so promptly.

This stuff makes so much sense.

It's like I got kicked in the stomach

by big guys wearing fat slippers.

I can't believe I got a "C" in this class. I love this.

Sweetie, listen, are you gonna be talking a lot now?

No. You just go to sleep.

-I am. -Go to sleep. I'm going to read.

All right. I'll sleep. You read.

Ah, listen to this.

"In a study conducted in a university research lab,

50 percent of female participants... "

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]

Honey?

-Honey, wake up. -What? What's the matter?

You all right there, Mrs. Buchman?

Nat, we've been married for four years,

you've got to stop calling me that.

Right, right. I'm sorry. I'll try.

Did you have a bad dream there, Mrs. Buch-- Uh, honey?

It was awful.

I dreamt I was married to this guy, and he was nice,

but he just wouldn't stop.

Stop what?

Everything. He just wouldn't stop.

He was sweet and everything,

but always with the picking, picking, picking.

Well, dreams are funny that way,

I mean, not ha-ha funny,

but, I mean, what they reveal about ourselves

and others and what have you.

Nat, you're so sweet.

Well, you know, you got a sweet tooth,

and I'm your candy bar, I guess.

[CHUCKLES]

You always know just exactly the right thing to say.

Well, I got to chase the bad dreams

away from my girl, don't I? Huh?

You know what the worst thing about the dream was?

Uh, no. No.

I wanted to talk to him about my dream,

but he wouldn't listen, he just wouldn't listen.

I feel sorry for that man and what he's missing.

'Cause, I tell ya, I'd rather hear all about

the very worst dream you ever had

than the best dream I ever had. You know why?

-Why? -'Cause I love you.

I just love you so much.

All due respect and everything, but...

I love you very, very, very,

very, very, very, very much, Mrs. Buchman.

I love you, too, Nat.

-Wow. -Yeah, I'm something, huh?

I'm going to sing you a little lullaby.

This is a little ditty that my mom,

who also loved me very, very much,

used to sing to me. [CLEARS THROAT]

♪ Non dementicar

♪ Means don't Forget you are ♪

♪ My darling

Honey? Honey, wake up.

Huh? What?

Will you hold me?

-What's the matter? You okay? -Yes.

I got to be up in, like, four minutes.

I know, I know, I know.

-You okay? -Yeah, are you?

Yeah, sure.

-Good night. -Good night.

-What's the matter with you? -Oh, all right.

PAUL: That's why New York's the greatest city 'cause

at three in the morning, you can still get Mylanta.

Albeit for $11.

It's money well-spent.

We'll make tea, you'll sit nicely, it'll be a party.

-And no more dreams. -Believe me.

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS]

-[MUSIC STOPS] -Oh, no.

Is this what I think it is?

You bet your sweet bippy.

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

I don't want to be in the Laugh-Inparty scene.

Honey, I think it's a little too late.

Come on. Let's Frug.

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

-[MUSIC STOPS] -What's the difference

between Paul Buchman and a chicken?

-What? -[LAUGHS]

Paul Buchman only balks at responsibility.

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

I'm chicken about having a baby?

-Aren't you? -Very interesting.

But foul.

Get it? Fowl! [CLUCKS]

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Since when are you scared to tell me what you feel?

Since what I'm scared about has changed.

[CLUCKS]

It's a chicken joke! [GROANS]

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

This portion of Paul and Jamie's dream

is brought to you by Fear,

the new fragrance by Calvin Klein.

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

"Ostriches Are Not Clumsy" by Henry Gibson.

Ostriches, when they mate and such,

frolic with a gentle touch.

They're cautious when it comes to sex.

One false move, they'll break their necks.

Imagine.

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

If I told you part of me doesn't want to have a baby,

part of me is scared stiff about having a baby,

you would flip.

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

-WOMAN: Knock! Knock! -ALL: Who's there?

-WOMAN: Sock it! -ALL: Sock it who?

Sock it to me!

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS]

-[MUSIC STOPS] -Very interesting.

But very Freudian.

I once saw a Freudian slip.

He fell down and broke his hohohenschwangau!

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

-Okay. What about you? -What about me?

You never have any doubts about any of this stuff.

What, are you nuts?

♪ It's a facade

Wake up! Of course she has doubts.

Will she be a good mother or will she suck?

Maybe she doesn't want to go to Motherland.

That's my biggest fear. What if I tell you how afraid I am

and that justifies your fear, then there's no more baby?

Of course I'm scared, I'm scared to death!

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

So, what do we do now? Do we still try and have a baby?

Of course we still try and have a baby!

But you have to promise if you get scared,

we'll tell each other, otherwise--

Otherwise, nightmares.

-Big nightmares. Deal? -Deal.

-Deal! -Deal!

Deal!

♪ [MUSIC PLAYS]

This dream is worth three credits

towards an associate's degree in psychology

at beautiful downtown Burbank Community College.

For more information, dial your local Krelman.

MURRAY: Enough with the baby.

[GASPING]

What?

No. Nothing.

You okay?

Yeah. Are you okay?

Yeah. You sure?

Yeah.

Okay. Let's go back to sleep.

Okay.

-Say good night, Paul. -Good night, Paul.

-Bye. Thanks a lot. -Thanks a lot for coming.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a sec.

Whoa, whoa, do that again.

That's our ashtray. I'll keep that.

Oh, very interesting, but not too hospitable, you pigs.

All right. Thanks very much.

-Bye-bye. -Come along, niece.

Thank you for coming.

"Thank You For the Party" by Henry Gibson.

Thank you for the party.

-Okay. Thanks. -I had a wonderful time.

I loved its every moment...

We had a wonderful time!

And thanks for the one for the road.

Come on, honey.

All right.

Wonderful dream. Thank you so much.

Oh, I forgot my Krelman.

-We'll get it. -Send it right out to you.

-Thanks. -Bye-bye.

[DOOR CLOSES]