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1
00:00:06,558 --> 00:00:08,215
-Hey.
-Hey.
2
00:00:08,215 --> 00:00:10,113
Look at this.
You're not gonna believe this.
3
00:00:10,113 --> 00:00:11,977
Guess what I paid
for this shirt.
4
00:00:13,530 --> 00:00:14,566
Seventeen dollars.
5
00:00:24,127 --> 00:00:27,924
♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
6
00:00:55,124 --> 00:00:57,712
Boy, whoever thought of this,
I just want to buy them a soda.
7
00:00:59,335 --> 00:01:01,095
-We got to stop.
-We really don't.
8
00:01:02,372 --> 00:01:03,511
We got to stop.
9
00:01:03,511 --> 00:01:05,755
I don't even know why we
ever do anything but this.
10
00:01:07,791 --> 00:01:09,241
-We got to...
-Except maybe this.
11
00:01:09,241 --> 00:01:11,036
-Stop!
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
12
00:01:11,036 --> 00:01:13,763
-Don't do that!
-That was wrong, wrong, wrong.
13
00:01:13,763 --> 00:01:15,661
-Don't do that!
-You love that.
14
00:01:15,661 --> 00:01:17,111
I know, so don't do that.
15
00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:20,666
-Why not?
-I'm not ovulating yet.
16
00:01:21,874 --> 00:01:22,910
Well, I am.
17
00:01:26,189 --> 00:01:27,570
We have to wait.
18
00:01:27,570 --> 00:01:28,640
Why?
19
00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:31,539
Listen to me.
We are going to conceive.
20
00:01:31,539 --> 00:01:32,851
Yes, no question.
21
00:01:32,851 --> 00:01:35,405
So don't you want to say
that this baby was created
22
00:01:35,405 --> 00:01:38,339
as the result of the most
wonderful, passionate,
23
00:01:38,339 --> 00:01:40,548
body-shattering sex
we've ever had?
24
00:01:41,446 --> 00:01:43,137
As long as
no one gets hurt, sure.
25
00:01:44,311 --> 00:01:45,933
The more we restrain
ourselves now,
26
00:01:45,933 --> 00:01:47,590
the more we can unleash
ourselves later.
27
00:01:49,039 --> 00:01:52,457
You have, like, a medieval
quality to you I don't enjoy.
28
00:01:54,044 --> 00:01:56,357
JAMIE: You'll have that
sperm saved up, ready to go.
29
00:01:56,357 --> 00:01:57,358
It'll be fun.
30
00:01:58,704 --> 00:02:00,223
Honey, I'll make more.
31
00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:04,641
I'm a machine. That's all I do.
32
00:02:05,194 --> 00:02:07,575
The whole filmmaking thing,
that's an aside for me.
33
00:02:08,611 --> 00:02:11,200
It's better if we don't
have any unnecessary orgasms.
34
00:02:11,959 --> 00:02:13,926
Okay. First of all,
no such thing.
35
00:02:16,550 --> 00:02:18,310
Going to be worth it.
You'll see.
36
00:02:18,655 --> 00:02:20,864
Meanwhile we haven't
had sex in three weeks.
37
00:02:20,864 --> 00:02:21,934
We're like pilgrims.
38
00:02:23,350 --> 00:02:26,007
We've never gone three weeks
without having sex before.
39
00:02:26,007 --> 00:02:28,320
I know, but intentionally
trying not to do it
40
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,080
makes it that much harder.
41
00:02:30,702 --> 00:02:31,875
You should excuse
the expression.
42
00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:34,809
Are you getting out of bed?
43
00:02:34,809 --> 00:02:36,225
Not like this, no.
44
00:02:37,226 --> 00:02:38,434
You're gonna be
late for work.
45
00:02:38,434 --> 00:02:41,333
I can't show up like this,
can I?
46
00:02:42,334 --> 00:02:43,508
Hey, wear your poncho.
47
00:02:48,961 --> 00:02:51,619
-Trust me. This whole thing...
-Would you shut up a second?
48
00:02:51,619 --> 00:02:54,726
I'm imagining I'm slamming
my finger in a car door.
49
00:02:55,209 --> 00:02:56,210
That works?
50
00:02:57,763 --> 00:02:59,420
-No. Come here.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
51
00:03:00,007 --> 00:03:03,044
No, no. Be strong. The egg
should be in by this afternoon.
52
00:03:03,044 --> 00:03:05,219
Should be in?
Where is it now, Chicago?
53
00:03:06,393 --> 00:03:08,429
-Let go of my arm.
-I don't want to.
54
00:03:08,429 --> 00:03:09,810
I'm going to
give you something.
55
00:03:10,569 --> 00:03:12,675
-What?
-Let go and then you'll see.
56
00:03:15,574 --> 00:03:16,541
Here's my beeper.
57
00:03:17,818 --> 00:03:19,440
That's what I get, a beeper?
58
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,580
I'll take some ovulation
tests with me.
59
00:03:21,580 --> 00:03:23,617
I'll beep you when the egg's in,
and we'll meet back here.
60
00:03:24,169 --> 00:03:26,136
So this is an egg beeper?
61
00:03:26,136 --> 00:03:27,172
You know how it works?
62
00:03:27,690 --> 00:03:29,588
I think I know
how to work a beeper.
63
00:03:29,588 --> 00:03:30,796
I don't live in a cave.
64
00:03:31,694 --> 00:03:33,316
-Want me to show you?
-A little bit.
65
00:03:35,456 --> 00:03:39,011
I call the beeper number, dial
my number at the prompt, and...
66
00:03:39,426 --> 00:03:40,565
-Easy.
-Yeah.
67
00:03:40,565 --> 00:03:43,844
And then you dial the
number that's on the screen.
68
00:03:43,844 --> 00:03:45,432
-We'll meet back here?
-Um-hmm.
69
00:03:45,432 --> 00:03:47,123
-In the middle of the day?
-Yes.
70
00:03:47,123 --> 00:03:48,573
-It's like we're like lovers.
-Yes.
71
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,816
We're in big trouble.
72
00:03:52,059 --> 00:03:54,682
Your car door
slamming on your finger.
73
00:03:54,682 --> 00:03:55,683
Sorry.
74
00:03:57,098 --> 00:03:58,686
Did I tell you
your mother called?
75
00:03:58,686 --> 00:03:59,894
Now you're talking.
76
00:04:09,525 --> 00:04:12,666
[TV] And so the male
thrusts and sallies
77
00:04:12,666 --> 00:04:16,014
with the primordial force of the ages while the female...
78
00:04:16,014 --> 00:04:17,049
What do you think?
79
00:04:17,947 --> 00:04:19,051
Look at that!
80
00:04:19,051 --> 00:04:20,087
What?
81
00:04:20,536 --> 00:04:22,054
[HORSE WHINNY]
82
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,820
Hmm. Naw. Nothing.
This is good. This'll be fine.
83
00:04:29,890 --> 00:04:31,305
What the hell's
the matter with you?
84
00:04:32,375 --> 00:04:34,377
Nothing. I'd rather
not talk about it.
85
00:04:35,102 --> 00:04:36,137
Moving on.
86
00:04:36,483 --> 00:04:37,760
[HORSE WHINNY]
87
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:40,659
Okay. Jamie and I, we haven't
had sex in three weeks
88
00:04:40,659 --> 00:04:42,627
because we're waiting
for her to ovulate.
89
00:04:42,627 --> 00:04:45,112
That's nuts!
You people think too much.
90
00:04:45,112 --> 00:04:46,251
Maybe.
91
00:04:46,251 --> 00:04:48,046
In my day, if you wanted
to get someone pregnant,
92
00:04:48,046 --> 00:04:49,185
You know you did?
93
00:04:49,185 --> 00:04:50,945
You had sex with her!
It worked great.
94
00:04:52,119 --> 00:04:53,603
Whatever happened
to just doing it?
95
00:04:56,779 --> 00:04:58,953
Uh, when is the egg due in?
96
00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:02,405
The egg should be in
this afternoon.
97
00:05:02,405 --> 00:05:03,682
It's got a lunch uptown.
98
00:05:03,682 --> 00:05:05,166
It'll swing by
the house afterwards.
99
00:05:05,926 --> 00:05:09,550
[PAGER BEEPS]
100
00:05:09,550 --> 00:05:11,000
Hey! That's me. That's me.
101
00:05:14,417 --> 00:05:16,454
JAMIE: Come on, come on,
come on, come on!
102
00:05:16,454 --> 00:05:17,489
Oh, I... I... um...
103
00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:20,181
I'm sorry, I'm actually...
[RING]
104
00:05:21,424 --> 00:05:22,701
-Hello.
-Hi.
105
00:05:22,701 --> 00:05:24,082
It's for me. Sorry.
106
00:05:24,082 --> 00:05:25,083
Hey.
107
00:05:25,808 --> 00:05:29,329
Hey, what, uh,
took you so long?
108
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,020
I'm still getting
the hang of this.
109
00:05:31,020 --> 00:05:32,953
So we have an egg?
110
00:05:32,953 --> 00:05:35,162
-Not yet.
-So what are you beeping?
111
00:05:35,162 --> 00:05:36,612
You're like the
Girl Who Beeped Wolf.
112
00:05:37,544 --> 00:05:41,133
I just really needed
to hear your voice.
113
00:05:41,927 --> 00:05:42,963
PAUL: Really?
114
00:05:42,963 --> 00:05:44,136
I'm going crazy.
115
00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:45,483
PAUL: Hey, me, too.
116
00:05:50,108 --> 00:05:52,006
-Really?
-Really.
117
00:05:52,006 --> 00:05:53,560
Why don't I give you a minute?
118
00:05:55,078 --> 00:05:56,183
What are you wearing?
119
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,358
What am I wearing?
120
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,533
You were there
when I got dressed.
121
00:06:01,533 --> 00:06:02,776
Just play.
122
00:06:02,776 --> 00:06:04,294
Please let me
give you a minute!
123
00:06:06,952 --> 00:06:10,059
Is your shirt wrinkled?
Are you all sweaty or something?
124
00:06:11,474 --> 00:06:12,475
Um...
125
00:06:13,752 --> 00:06:14,960
So, uh...
126
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,031
I'm... I'm here with Sid.
127
00:06:17,894 --> 00:06:19,344
Really? What is he wearing?
128
00:06:21,864 --> 00:06:23,624
A Cardigan and, uh...
129
00:06:24,522 --> 00:06:26,075
A shirt that smells like
Brylcreem.
130
00:06:26,075 --> 00:06:27,179
Oh, for God's sake!
131
00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:30,251
Honey, honey, I can't do this.
I got to go.
132
00:06:30,251 --> 00:06:32,633
All right. Just say
something unarousing.
133
00:06:33,116 --> 00:06:34,946
-PAUL: What?
-I did it for you.
134
00:06:35,602 --> 00:06:37,638
Okay. Hey, your father called.
135
00:06:38,570 --> 00:06:39,847
I don't work like that.
136
00:06:40,986 --> 00:06:42,643
Okay, okay, wait.
All right. Here we go.
137
00:06:43,506 --> 00:06:46,578
You know that smell in our sink?
138
00:06:46,578 --> 00:06:48,097
Oh. All right.
I'll see you later.
139
00:06:49,685 --> 00:06:50,755
There you go.
140
00:06:57,313 --> 00:06:59,522
[TV] Nearby the spawning ground,
141
00:06:59,522 --> 00:07:02,145
man and animal
peacefully coexist
142
00:07:02,629 --> 00:07:04,700
as the mammoth oil rig
drill bit's
143
00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:07,185
relentless hunger is satisfied.
144
00:07:18,783 --> 00:07:20,509
-Hi.
-Hi.
145
00:07:21,544 --> 00:07:22,856
-Is everything all right?
-Yeah.
146
00:07:23,304 --> 00:07:25,652
Really? 'Cause you sounded
like something was up.
147
00:07:25,652 --> 00:07:27,067
I'm fine. You want a drink?
148
00:07:27,067 --> 00:07:28,137
Maybe.
149
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:29,518
Have a drink.
150
00:07:29,863 --> 00:07:31,209
-Uh-oh. Really?
-Maybe.
151
00:07:31,899 --> 00:07:32,935
Is something up?
152
00:07:32,935 --> 00:07:34,764
Nothing.
You're my sister-in-law.
153
00:07:34,764 --> 00:07:37,871
-I haven't seen you.
-I know. Thank you.
154
00:07:41,012 --> 00:07:42,738
Something about a man
in uniform, isn't there?
155
00:07:43,773 --> 00:07:45,775
He's wearing an apron.
What's wrong with you?
156
00:07:45,775 --> 00:07:47,536
I know. I'm insane.
157
00:07:47,536 --> 00:07:50,539
Paul and I are intentionally not
having sex until I ovulate.
158
00:07:50,539 --> 00:07:51,574
When is that?
159
00:07:51,574 --> 00:07:52,748
Hopefully by dessert.
160
00:07:54,577 --> 00:07:55,613
How was Vermont?
161
00:07:56,061 --> 00:07:58,339
It was great. I went with Joan.
162
00:07:58,685 --> 00:08:00,134
-You take the kids?
-No.
163
00:08:01,170 --> 00:08:02,240
What?
164
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,517
[GIGGLES]
165
00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:08,073
[CHUCKLES] You met a guy!
Tell me, tell me, tell me.
166
00:08:08,073 --> 00:08:09,868
I didn't meet a guy.
167
00:08:09,868 --> 00:08:12,181
You don't get a smile
like that from tobogganing.
168
00:08:12,181 --> 00:08:13,872
Come on you met a guy!
169
00:08:13,872 --> 00:08:16,150
That's why you've been
going up there every weekend.
170
00:08:16,150 --> 00:08:17,220
Is he married?
171
00:08:17,704 --> 00:08:19,844
He's not married.
There's no guy.
172
00:08:21,052 --> 00:08:23,641
Well, then, Joan met a guy,
and you had a threesome.
173
00:08:26,851 --> 00:08:29,612
Yes. But there was no guy.
174
00:08:30,371 --> 00:08:31,925
What's a threesome
with no guy?
175
00:08:34,099 --> 00:08:35,135
Oh, my God!
176
00:08:37,344 --> 00:08:39,726
I did a little
experimenting in college,
177
00:08:39,726 --> 00:08:41,797
It was college.
I didn't think anything of it.
178
00:08:41,797 --> 00:08:44,869
And then after the divorce,
when I was in therapy,
179
00:08:44,869 --> 00:08:47,354
I started to think
maybe it wasn't just him.
180
00:08:47,354 --> 00:08:49,459
Maybe it was me.
Maybe I wanted out.
181
00:08:49,459 --> 00:08:51,427
Whatever.
So you're in this cabin,
182
00:08:51,427 --> 00:08:54,775
and you're in front of a
fireplace playing Monopoly?
183
00:08:54,775 --> 00:08:55,983
Yeah.
184
00:08:55,983 --> 00:08:57,882
-What were you?
-What was I?
185
00:08:58,330 --> 00:08:59,849
What piece were you?
186
00:08:59,849 --> 00:09:02,300
-The boot.
-Oh, man! The boot.
187
00:09:03,094 --> 00:09:05,061
So I'm thinking,
in this society...
188
00:09:05,061 --> 00:09:06,269
Where were you sitting?
189
00:09:06,269 --> 00:09:08,271
I was on the couch.
She was on the floor.
190
00:09:08,617 --> 00:09:10,964
So she came onto the couch?
191
00:09:10,964 --> 00:09:12,379
I moved onto the floor.
192
00:09:12,379 --> 00:09:13,691
Oh, God!
193
00:09:13,691 --> 00:09:14,968
Okay. Go on.
194
00:09:14,968 --> 00:09:16,590
And then we started
to play the game.
195
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:17,902
And...
196
00:09:17,902 --> 00:09:20,663
Next thing you know, I've got
boardwalk and three hotels.
197
00:09:21,422 --> 00:09:23,563
And she was
caressing you where?
198
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:26,151
What is the matter with you?
For the first time, in my life
199
00:09:26,151 --> 00:09:28,291
I'm the slightest bit
at peace with myself.
200
00:09:28,291 --> 00:09:30,846
I'm the worst friend right now.
201
00:09:30,846 --> 00:09:33,400
This is not a great story for me
to hear in my condition.
202
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,334
On your worst day, you're
a better audience for this
203
00:09:36,334 --> 00:09:37,784
than my parents and brother.
204
00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:39,579
You're going to tell them?
205
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:40,580
Dinner tonight.
206
00:09:41,235 --> 00:09:43,099
-With Paul?
-I was thinking.
207
00:09:43,513 --> 00:09:45,377
I'll give you $1,000
to tell him tomorrow.
208
00:09:47,207 --> 00:09:50,244
I could do Mom and Dad
tonight Paul tomorrow.
209
00:09:50,244 --> 00:09:51,452
Where are you going to eat?
210
00:09:52,281 --> 00:09:55,733
I don't know. What is the right
food for this conversation?
211
00:09:56,457 --> 00:09:57,666
I want to say Chinese.
212
00:09:57,666 --> 00:09:59,150
-Why is that?
-I don't know.
213
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,604
Did you see that?
214
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,020
Hey, do you think
this is really chicken?
215
00:10:08,193 --> 00:10:09,332
Where did you get that?
216
00:10:09,332 --> 00:10:10,575
The guy on Sixth.
217
00:10:10,575 --> 00:10:11,680
Nah. That's possum.
218
00:10:12,888 --> 00:10:15,753
Okay. What's going on there?
That's just cruel.
219
00:10:15,753 --> 00:10:17,409
Would you knock it off already?
220
00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:18,514
What?
221
00:10:18,514 --> 00:10:20,136
It's like you're 15 years old.
222
00:10:20,136 --> 00:10:22,518
I'm embarrassing you?
223
00:10:22,518 --> 00:10:24,485
Oh! Look at that.
224
00:10:24,485 --> 00:10:25,521
She's a mannequin.
225
00:10:25,901 --> 00:10:27,592
But those are based on people.
226
00:10:28,041 --> 00:10:30,215
Let's go to the
Statue of Liberty. She's French.
227
00:10:30,215 --> 00:10:32,562
-[PAGER BEEPS]
-Oh! I'm beeping!
228
00:10:32,562 --> 00:10:33,633
Hallelujah.
229
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,772
Hey! Hey! Everybody!
230
00:10:35,117 --> 00:10:37,395
My friend's wife,
she's ovulating!
231
00:10:37,395 --> 00:10:38,741
Hey, what's
the matter with you?
232
00:10:39,293 --> 00:10:40,847
Our food is here.
233
00:10:40,847 --> 00:10:42,503
-I'm ovulating.
-You still have to eat.
234
00:10:42,503 --> 00:10:44,644
You already had sex.
You go eat.
235
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,162
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
236
00:10:46,542 --> 00:10:47,957
-It's here.
-The egg?
237
00:10:47,957 --> 00:10:49,200
-The egg.
-PAUL: The egg is here?
238
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:50,235
I'll see you at home.
239
00:10:50,235 --> 00:10:51,789
I'll meet you at home. Bye.
240
00:10:52,237 --> 00:10:54,481
-Well, show time. I'm going in.
-Good for you.
241
00:10:54,481 --> 00:10:57,001
-Say something encouraging.
-Run silent, run deep.
242
00:11:05,734 --> 00:11:07,667
-Hey, buddy. Can't talk now.
-[DOG BARKS]
243
00:11:13,776 --> 00:11:15,536
Murray, have you
seen my camisole?
244
00:11:18,781 --> 00:11:20,921
Oh, no. Oh, no, no.
245
00:11:21,784 --> 00:11:23,027
Oh, no.
246
00:11:33,796 --> 00:11:35,556
Let me say this...
your mother called.
247
00:11:35,556 --> 00:11:36,834
[DOG CRIES]
248
00:11:41,217 --> 00:11:43,461
♪ [SEXY MUSIC PLAYING]
249
00:12:39,034 --> 00:12:40,276
Damn it.
250
00:12:41,933 --> 00:12:42,934
Help!
251
00:12:44,625 --> 00:12:47,456
Help! Damn it! Help!
252
00:13:27,496 --> 00:13:29,567
[ANNOUNCER]
Sorry for the delay.
253
00:13:29,567 --> 00:13:31,465
We will be moving shortly.
254
00:13:33,398 --> 00:13:35,607
♪ [REPEATING SAME NOTES]
255
00:13:40,405 --> 00:13:42,304
Okay. Could you play...
I'm serious...
256
00:13:42,304 --> 00:13:43,892
...literally, anything else?
257
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,904
-Excuse me.
-What happened? I didn't do it!
258
00:13:57,491 --> 00:13:58,976
Sorry. [CHUCKLES]
259
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,017
It's my niece's. [CHUCKLES]
260
00:14:13,162 --> 00:14:14,474
-James?
-Paul?
261
00:14:14,474 --> 00:14:16,648
-Is that really you?
-Yes! I'm so sorry!
262
00:14:16,648 --> 00:14:18,409
-I was worried!
-I was, too!
263
00:14:19,065 --> 00:14:21,343
-Oh, I couldn't wait to see you.
-Me, too.
264
00:14:21,343 --> 00:14:23,241
I was thinking about you...
265
00:14:23,241 --> 00:14:24,656
-Get away from the door!
-I'm getting!
266
00:14:26,555 --> 00:14:27,832
Hi!
267
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,008
What happened to you?
268
00:14:31,008 --> 00:14:33,113
I had to do the thing,
and the handle came off.
269
00:14:33,113 --> 00:14:35,253
Me, too.
And the kid, he played bad.
270
00:14:37,462 --> 00:14:38,739
-Oh, God.
-Mmm!
271
00:14:41,501 --> 00:14:43,123
Why do you have
Zelda's underwear?
272
00:14:43,123 --> 00:14:44,124
Don't worry about it.
273
00:14:48,335 --> 00:14:49,785
They leave the door open?
274
00:14:49,785 --> 00:14:51,960
What do they think this is,
New Rochelle?
275
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:54,859
You hear my mother's voice?
276
00:14:55,549 --> 00:14:56,792
Don't do that now!
277
00:14:57,344 --> 00:14:58,690
No.
Literally, my mother's voice.
278
00:14:59,070 --> 00:15:00,692
SYLVIA:
Hello!
279
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:02,625
-Hold on! Hold on!
-Just a second!
280
00:15:02,625 --> 00:15:05,594
Ma, we came, we intruded.
Mission accomplished, huh?
281
00:15:06,146 --> 00:15:07,458
-PAUL: Deb?
-Hi!
282
00:15:07,458 --> 00:15:09,529
Okay. Who isn't here?
Let's start with that.
283
00:15:10,081 --> 00:15:11,738
We were going to Chinese.
284
00:15:11,738 --> 00:15:13,809
We wondered if you
wanted to come with.
285
00:15:13,809 --> 00:15:16,363
Oh, uh, that's okay.
We got plans.
286
00:15:16,363 --> 00:15:18,572
You should see where I parked!
287
00:15:18,572 --> 00:15:20,126
Not even a block!
288
00:15:20,126 --> 00:15:21,299
That's good, Dad.
289
00:15:21,299 --> 00:15:23,543
Uh, we appreciate the invite.
290
00:15:23,543 --> 00:15:24,785
DAD: Are you sure?
291
00:15:24,785 --> 00:15:26,132
Tung hoy.
292
00:15:27,685 --> 00:15:28,720
Even so.
293
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,791
Would you leave them alone?
Come on.
294
00:15:31,378 --> 00:15:33,587
I wanted to talk
to you guys anyway.
295
00:15:33,587 --> 00:15:34,623
About what?
296
00:15:34,623 --> 00:15:36,107
We'll talk at the restaurant.
297
00:15:36,107 --> 00:15:39,007
We have to go to
a restaurant to talk?
298
00:15:39,007 --> 00:15:40,422
If you want to have
a conversation,
299
00:15:40,422 --> 00:15:42,976
you have it in an apartment,
like a person.
300
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:47,360
I don't want to. We'll
discuss it in the restaurant.
301
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:48,740
I thought we were leaving.
302
00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:50,501
So now it's a discussion?
303
00:15:50,501 --> 00:15:53,021
God forbid you should
just invite us to dinner.
304
00:15:53,021 --> 00:15:55,230
She did invite us to dinner.
305
00:15:55,230 --> 00:15:58,233
Because she needs to have
a discussion. Wake up!
306
00:15:58,233 --> 00:15:59,959
-Hi.
-Ahem. Hi.
307
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,477
-Hi.
-Hi.
308
00:16:01,477 --> 00:16:02,513
Hi.
309
00:16:02,513 --> 00:16:04,618
So, how's everybody?
310
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,758
And two... could you tell me
tomorrow?
311
00:16:08,691 --> 00:16:11,625
I'm not leaving till I know what
this big discussion is about.
312
00:16:11,625 --> 00:16:12,661
Fine! You win.
313
00:16:12,661 --> 00:16:14,594
-Deb...
-They want to know.
314
00:16:14,939 --> 00:16:16,906
I'm in love with a woman.
I'm a lesbian! Okay?
315
00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:23,983
Come on! Moo goo gai pan.
316
00:16:30,955 --> 00:16:34,959
Her name is Joan.
I wanted you all to know.
317
00:16:39,895 --> 00:16:42,863
Why do you say things like that?
To aggravate me?
318
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:47,316
A gay lesbian?
319
00:16:47,316 --> 00:16:48,662
This is what I'm thinking.
320
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:52,390
Wow.
321
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,013
Wow?
322
00:16:54,599 --> 00:16:55,635
Wow...
323
00:16:56,532 --> 00:16:57,533
Just wow?
324
00:16:58,914 --> 00:16:59,984
Wow.
325
00:17:00,847 --> 00:17:02,918
At this point, just wow.
Yeah.
326
00:17:03,263 --> 00:17:05,645
I don't have any opinion
about it yet, but...
327
00:17:06,715 --> 00:17:07,992
-You're a lesbian?
-Yeah.
328
00:17:07,992 --> 00:17:08,993
Wow.
329
00:17:10,305 --> 00:17:12,686
Honey, really,
that's it? Just wow?
330
00:17:12,686 --> 00:17:14,792
Whew... wowie.
331
00:17:15,827 --> 00:17:17,967
This isn't how I'd planned to
tell you.
332
00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:20,315
I was going to take you
to the Knicks game tomorrow
333
00:17:20,315 --> 00:17:21,799
and to Rumpelmayer's
afterwards.
334
00:17:22,938 --> 00:17:23,939
Wow.
335
00:17:25,251 --> 00:17:26,424
-Rumpelmayer's?
-Yeah.
336
00:17:26,424 --> 00:17:27,529
Sweetie?
337
00:17:28,012 --> 00:17:29,807
No... not...
who cares about that?
338
00:17:30,704 --> 00:17:32,189
Well, how does it work?
339
00:17:32,189 --> 00:17:33,776
Oh, Burt, please!
340
00:17:36,710 --> 00:17:37,746
What?
341
00:17:37,746 --> 00:17:40,162
Well, being a lesbian,
342
00:17:40,162 --> 00:17:42,509
W-what's the... procedure?
343
00:17:42,509 --> 00:17:44,408
You send in
an application, see?
344
00:17:44,408 --> 00:17:46,720
They mail you back a card.
345
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,653
No, no. I mean the actual...
346
00:17:48,653 --> 00:17:49,930
I don't want to hear this.
347
00:17:51,035 --> 00:17:53,727
You know what?
It's none of my business.
348
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,247
-Are you happy?
-Yes.
349
00:17:56,247 --> 00:17:58,732
-Do you need money?
-No. I'm doing fine.
350
00:17:58,732 --> 00:18:00,113
-How's the car?
-It's great.
351
00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:01,183
Good. Let's eat.
352
00:18:03,254 --> 00:18:04,635
Paulie, are you okay?
353
00:18:05,256 --> 00:18:07,845
Yeah. No.
I feel the same as Pop.
354
00:18:07,845 --> 00:18:10,710
-Pop? Where'd he go? Pop?
-Isn't anybody else hungry?
355
00:18:10,710 --> 00:18:11,814
Paulie?
356
00:18:11,814 --> 00:18:13,437
No. Hey, Deb, listen.
357
00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:16,923
I love you, and, you know,
I want you to be happy,
358
00:18:16,923 --> 00:18:18,752
in love,
and all that good stuff.
359
00:18:18,752 --> 00:18:22,756
If it's with another woman,
then what do I care?
360
00:18:23,688 --> 00:18:25,000
-Right?
-Right.
361
00:18:26,035 --> 00:18:27,106
So Joan...
362
00:18:28,072 --> 00:18:29,177
From the brunch?
363
00:18:29,177 --> 00:18:30,143
Yeah.
364
00:18:31,075 --> 00:18:32,456
Well, who would have thunk that?
365
00:18:33,491 --> 00:18:35,873
I just thought it was
a nice lady eating pancakes.
366
00:18:36,322 --> 00:18:38,289
-Remember? You liked her.
-I did. I liked her.
367
00:18:38,289 --> 00:18:40,464
She has, like, nice hands.
368
00:18:40,981 --> 00:18:43,087
Remember?
We said we liked her.
369
00:18:43,087 --> 00:18:44,399
Nice lady, nice hands.
370
00:18:44,399 --> 00:18:46,366
It's okay to be
a little freaked out.
371
00:18:46,849 --> 00:18:47,850
I'm not, though.
372
00:18:50,681 --> 00:18:52,717
I'm... I'm happy for you.
373
00:18:52,717 --> 00:18:54,029
We'll talk more maybe.
374
00:18:54,029 --> 00:18:56,169
We'll talk,
you and your little friend.
375
00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:59,655
See?
Whatever I want, right, Ma?
376
00:18:59,655 --> 00:19:00,760
-Ma!
-Don't!
377
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:02,486
-No!
-What are you doing?
378
00:19:02,486 --> 00:19:04,626
Bye. So long. Nice knowing you.
379
00:19:04,626 --> 00:19:06,248
PAUL: Get off of there, Ma!
380
00:19:06,248 --> 00:19:07,801
Thank you, Debbie.
381
00:19:08,871 --> 00:19:11,771
Did I tell you that we never
should have named her Debbie?
382
00:19:11,771 --> 00:19:14,222
We never should have
let her play field hockey!
383
00:19:15,084 --> 00:19:18,398
-Get off of there.
-Let her jump! Get it over with.
384
00:19:18,398 --> 00:19:20,055
Fine. Go ahead.
385
00:19:20,055 --> 00:19:21,643
-You're just letting her...
-Wait... wait... wait.
386
00:19:27,373 --> 00:19:28,857
You're not a lesbian.
387
00:19:28,857 --> 00:19:30,790
-JAMIE: Sylvia!
-We're going home.
388
00:19:30,790 --> 00:19:32,378
I'm calling Dr. Schwimmer.
389
00:19:33,620 --> 00:19:35,657
I don't need a psychiatrist.
390
00:19:35,657 --> 00:19:37,106
He's ear, nose, and throat.
391
00:19:38,660 --> 00:19:40,248
-Okay. So why...
-He's very good.
392
00:19:42,042 --> 00:19:43,768
They're blue seats,
but midcourt.
393
00:19:43,768 --> 00:19:46,254
You know, Joan is a doctor.
394
00:19:47,565 --> 00:19:49,567
That's supposed
to make me feel better?
395
00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:50,603
I don't know, Ma.
396
00:19:52,087 --> 00:19:53,813
What kind of doctor?
397
00:19:55,677 --> 00:19:56,954
Is she serious?
398
00:19:56,954 --> 00:19:58,645
We're not going
to the restaurant?
399
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,959
I... you know what?
Ask Mom in the elevator.
400
00:20:01,959 --> 00:20:04,962
'Cause she would probably
know best what...
401
00:20:05,445 --> 00:20:07,447
Okay, let me ask,
402
00:20:07,447 --> 00:20:09,104
how exactly did ovulation
403
00:20:09,104 --> 00:20:11,382
become the least
interesting thing in our day?
404
00:20:12,728 --> 00:20:14,005
Well, it's not to me.
405
00:20:14,420 --> 00:20:15,524
What are you doing?
406
00:20:15,524 --> 00:20:17,492
-What do you think?
-Oh, now?
407
00:20:17,492 --> 00:20:19,356
-Why not?
-After all that's happened?
408
00:20:19,356 --> 00:20:20,426
No. Forget about it.
409
00:20:20,426 --> 00:20:24,050
I just got to sit down
for a while, have some soup,
410
00:20:24,050 --> 00:20:26,052
and for some reason,
I want to watch women's golf.
411
00:20:31,540 --> 00:20:32,507
You're sure about that?
412
00:20:33,335 --> 00:20:36,165
Oh, honey, I am
unarouseable at this point.
413
00:20:36,165 --> 00:20:37,995
I am waxed and waned.
414
00:20:37,995 --> 00:20:42,379
Mm-hmm. Did I ever tell you
about the time I went skiing
415
00:20:42,379 --> 00:20:44,070
with my college roommate
in Vermont?
416
00:20:45,692 --> 00:20:46,831
No. What is that?
417
00:20:46,831 --> 00:20:48,316
It was late one night.
418
00:20:48,316 --> 00:20:50,041
We'd just gotten
in from tobogganing,
419
00:20:50,041 --> 00:20:52,147
and we decided
to play Monopoly.
420
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:56,047
-Monopoly? Really?
-Mm-hmm. It was cold.
421
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:57,221
We took off our clothes.
422
00:20:57,221 --> 00:20:58,740
We got in front
of the fireplace.
423
00:20:59,465 --> 00:21:01,225
I looked at her,
she looked at me,
424
00:21:01,225 --> 00:21:03,848
and I thought, "I'm going to
give that woman a back rub."
425
00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:07,404
Okay.
426
00:21:09,958 --> 00:21:11,546
So you're playing Monopoly.
427
00:21:11,546 --> 00:21:12,961
-What were you?
-The boot.
428
00:21:12,961 --> 00:21:14,445
The boot! Ah, man!
29800
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