Original subtitles

MAN: [ON TV] And now, stay tuned for our next feature,Trog.

-♪ [ROMANTIC STRINGS PLAY] -It's over?

Yep. See how it says, "The End"? That's how you know.

Why did you let me fall asleep?

I didn't "let" you. You're a big girl.

What happened to Anna

after Nigel came back from Lisbon?

Oh, boy, was he mad.

At Anna or Carlos?

I think pretty much he was just upset with the whole situation.

You fell asleep, too.

Yeah, but only 'cause I wanted to be with you!

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

JAMIE: I can't believe that's your dinner.

I was supposed to have lunch with Allison,

but her squash game was more important.

Then I had three meetings, so I couldn't eat.

-She plays squash? -Yeah.

Allison from the office?

-Yeah. Why? -Thought she was, like, 60.

Allison? No. She's, like, fifty-something.

Fif... Whatever. Early fifties. The point is, I never ate lunch.

-[DOG BARKING] -MAN: Spanky, sit!

Sit, for God's sake! I look like an idiot. Just sit.

I love the dogs in this doggie group.

The owners, not so much.

Twice a week, when Nat goes to acting class.

Murray, what've you got there? Come here.

CORGI GUY: How are you there, tonight?

Oh, corgi guy.

You remember last week I was talking about dog saliva?

Remember? It's why we came back.

I used Misha's saliva to cure my athlete's foot.

It worked.

Well, God bless.

Okay, are we the only normal people in this group?

JAMIE: There's Doug and Didi.

I like Doug and Didi.

We always threaten to go out together, but never do.

I know, I know.

-DIDI: Hey. -JAMIE: Hey, you two.

What do you guys give to Murray? He's got the greatest coat.

You know what, he's got a jacket just like that.

-[BOTH LAUGH] -I like these people.

We were saying we keep threatening to get together.

-We were just saying that. -Right here.

-Just now. -That's so funny.

How would you guys like to see Hello, Dolly?

Wow. That's specific.

-Honey... -We got four tickets.

We could eat before the show...

-Honey? -...or after the show. Whatever.

We can go. It'll be like a thing.

-Great. -It'll be fun.

Good. Good.

Deeds, look at the time. We should go.

-I've got to make a call. -We have a time thing.

Yeah. But Saturday night sounds great!

We'll see you tomorrow and figure out the details.

-Okay. -Terrific.

-Good. Bye. -Bye.

-Come on. -PAUL: See you, JJ!

Well, that was pretty simple.

-What did you just do? -What?

You offered them the tickets I promised to Fran.

We never promised.

She's the one who wanted to go. It was her idea.

I just got you new friends and a date for Saturday night.

-What's the problem? -What about Fran?

I handled this. You can handle that.

JAMIE: About the play on Saturday--

I forgot to tell you!

I decided to bring Lloyd instead of Bob.

Bob seemed too excited about seeing Carol Channing.

Actually, we can't go. We couldn't get tickets.

-Oh. -You're upset?

A little, but you couldn't get 'em.

No biggie.

Good. See, no biggie.

Don't you wanna know why we couldn't get them?

Not really.

Not even the least bit curious?

Not really.

Okay.

It's a funny story.

-They were sold out? -Sold out.

[LAUGHING] That is funny!

-I'm sure you tried your best. -We did.

I'm sure you did.

Listen, I'm not being entirely honest about the tickets.

Which part aren't you being honest about?

The entire part. We did get the tickets.

We just invited another couple. Actually, Paul did.

Before I knew what happened, it was too late.

I'm sorry. I should've stopped him.

I shouldn't have lied. Don't hate me.

It's okay, I understand. These things happen.

-Really? -Really.

You're really okay?

Really. Why would I lie to you?

Good. I feel better.

I lied. I'm not okay.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied.

No, I'm not upset that you lied.

I'm upset that you told the truth.

I shouldn't have told the truth.

Exactly.

If you're lying to spare my feelings,

at least finish what you started,

because now you feel better, I feel worse.

You're absolutely right.

I was selfish. I should've lied. I'm so sorry.

[SIGHS]

Don't worry. It's okay.

We're really okay with this?

We are so okay about this.

Okay.

-I hear Catsis good. -Saw it.

You two are so bad.

-What? -You're children.

Don't look at me. It was him.

Excuse me. Who started throwing Jujubes?

That was you.

But you encouraged it. He's a bad influence.

-Paul's right. -Anybody want to get coffee?

-Oh, damn. -We'd love to, but...

We have a time thing.

-Wow. At this hour? -Honey, they got a time thing.

-Let's do something next week. -Definitely.

-Next week? -How about the R.E.M. concert?

-Honey. -They're sold out.

Paul already has tickets.

You do? How'd you get tickets?

I did a film with the lighting guy.

-Honey? -Sweetie.

-You guys are great. -This sounds fantastic.

-But only if it's our treat. -Don't be silly. It's okay.

-Let us get dinner. -Sure.

-Bye. -Bye.

-Bye. -See ya.

-What did you just do? -Aren't they great?

Why'd you promise them R.E.M. tickets? Those are for Ira.

That wasn't for sure.

Yeah, that was for sure.

-We did it to Fran. -For Hello, Dolly!

-You think they liked us? -They loved us.

-It was really fun. -What about Ira?

I handled this. You handle that.

IRA: You couldn't get 'em? You told me you had them.

No. That guy had them.

-Yeah. So? -That's what he tells me.

Then I get there, different guy.

-What, different than Artie? -Yes. Yeah.

-Are you telling me the truth? -Yes.

Paulie, there is no different guy than Artie.

Artie is always there.

He's 400 pounds. Where's he going to go?

Lunch?

I said I was gonna get them, didn't I?

-Did I not say I'd get them? -You did.

I could've walked across the street and gotten them.

And I'm telling you, Artie was not there.

Next time, when I tell you I'm getting the tickets,

let me get the tickets.

Please. You get the tickets. Definitely.

That's right. I'm gonna get the tickets.

You know I feel terrible about this.

I feel really bad.

-All right. It's okay. -All right.

So what are we going to do instead?

Instead?

Yeah. Saturday night. We're not seeing the concert.

We got to do something else.

-You and me? -Yes.

Saturday night?

Yes.

Well, we can't do anything this Saturday.

Why not?

'Cause you're too mad at me.

Aren't you?

DOUG: That was the greatest concert I've ever seen.

I loved R.E.M. before they were popular.

-All right. -What... I didn't?

Anybody for coffee?

-Let me help you. -We'll get it. You sit.

Sure.

-You shouldn't have pushed. -I didn't push.

They didn't want to come back here.

I wanted to see where they lived.

It's nice.

Wouldn't think they'd have a couch like that.

Why not?

Well, they seem so modern and sleek.

What are they gonna have, a glass couch?

Don't be snooping.

I'm not snooping. I'm looking at family photos.

Hey, I don't know if you noticed.

All these people are black.

There's probably some explanation for that.

Maybe they're subletting from them.

-That's probably for Doug's job. -Probably.

-What does he do again? -I don't know.

That's funny. They're our friends.

All we know is their names.

Actually, their first names.

No, that's not true.

What is it?

It's with an "S". "S". Uh, Smith?

It's Smith?

Uh, "A". With an "A".

Apple... Apple.

A... Applesmith.

"Z"? "Z"? Zwynn?

Zarbow?

Maupassant? It's something.

-Like what? -Something with a "J".

Johnson?

Jepson?

-Jetson? -They're the Jetsons?

They're the Jetsons.

I know. I forgot.

Did you forget, or we never knew?

Here we go. Mail.

Addressed to...

-Somebody else. -Not them.

Nope. Not one piece here.

Somebody.

Thomas and Patricia Stadler.

Something is wrong.

Maybe they're spies.

-Maybe they're not married. -They're bachelor spies.

I have a bad feeling in my stomach.

Queasy or you got cramps?

It's more in the queasy world.

Are you going to vomit?

-If you vomit in front of me... -I am not gonna vomit.

...I vomit right along with you.

They've been making coffee for a very long time.

Sweetie, that's how long it takes.

I want to go.

Wait a second, sweetie. We can't just go.

Sorry that took so long.

-That's okay. -Is something wrong?

No. No. Everything's all right.

Um... Well, yeah.

You have to be straight with us. Something isn't right.

I'm going to ask you one question.

If the answer's yes,

we'll leave and never say a word.

Did you kill the Stadlers?

[LAUGHING]

No.

We decided it was that, or you're having an affair.

-Actually... -We are.

-Oh. -Oh, okay.

Well, good.

I knew it.

Well, I knew nothing.

I knew it the minute we met.

How?

I didn't know, but I knew.

Well, I knew nothing.

I'm shocked. I'm stunned.

I'm flummoxed.

All the signs were there.

They always left by midnight,

they never arrive in the same car,

Didi only gave me her voicemail number.

Right. And think about it. He always ordered the wine.

-It doesn't mean anything. -You had all that good stuff.

That's why they didn't laugh at your Scarlet Letterjoke.

-I thought it was funny. -It was.

-You laughed. -I'm not carrying their shame.

I can laugh at adultery. It costs me nothing.

But them, I don't get it.

They seemed like a regular married couple.

They're just married to other people.

-This is so inconceivable to me. -Why?

It just...

That would never happen to you and me.

What makes us different from others?

-[DOOR BUZZER SOUNDS] -Who's that?

First of all, to be that deceptive and that calculating,

you know the energy that takes?

Who has that kind of time?

Personally, I know I could never lie like that.

You know something? I am shocked.

-What are you doing here? -I hope you enjoyed the concert.

-What concert? -Paulie, I know what happened.

-Ira, we didn't go. -Not you too?

No, that's true. We didn't.

I was there, Paulie. I went to the concert.

I scalped one ticket for myself,

double face value, terrible seat.

You know, way upstairs, up behind the stage, just awful.

-What's that? -Noodles.

Oh.

Anyway, this guy lent me his binoculars,

where I spied you and your little friends dancing

all out of rhythm, fourth row, center.

That was not a rhythm. It was a syncopation thing.

Well, good.

Listen, you enjoy your new friends.

It's not what you think it is.

Paulie, don't waste my time.

You're a big boy. Do what you want to do.

If you don't want to go with me, that's fine.

But to ditch me and then to lie...

shame on you.

-I should... -I think, yeah.

[SPORTS COMMENTARY IN BACKGROUND]

-Here you go. -Thank you.

I got it.

No, he's not paying for me.

-Listen... -That's what you came up with.

Fat Artie went to lunch.

That's the best that you could do?

I know. Can I explain? 'Cause there is an explanation.

You know what's worse? I believed you.

I should've known better. Fat Artie and I go way back.

This guy lives in that chair.

Fat Artie doesn't go to lunch.

Lunch comes to fat Artie.

I was wrong, but there's an explanation.

Can I explain, please?

[DOOR BUZZER SOUNDS]

-Hi. -Hi. You must be Jamie.

Is this a bad time?

I don't know. Who are you?

I'm sorry. One drink and I forget my own name.

I'm Allison. I work with Paul, your husband.

The filmmaker?

Allison, the lady from the office?

You are Jamie, right?

I have heard so much about you.

Me, too. Come in.

I was on my way home from a banquet.

I wanted to drop this off. Is Paul here?

He ran out. I can take it.

What did you say your name was again?

Allison.

I thought so, but I got confused

because Paul's boss is also named Allison.

I am Paul's boss.

I am Allison.

You know, my friends call me Allison.

Well, it was really nice to meet you.

And, uh...

Tell Paul that I stopped by.

Allison.

I don't why I didn't say this up front to you.

These are Jamie's friends that flew in from out of town.

-Paulie, what are you doing? -What?

What is the matter with you?

You're lying again.

Franny told me about you and your cheating friends.

What is the matter with you?

You're right. I can't lie. I thought I'd give it a shot.

I can't do it. I'm a bad liar.

You're the worst.

Boy, you know why? You got to stick to it.

That's the key to a good lie, commitment.

That's what you need for relationships and for lying.

And a good poached egg.

Listen, what I did was wrong, and I'm sorry.

Sorry I hurt your feelings.

You know what you mean to me. I love you.

Hey, I love you!

-Maybe we should get a booth. -Yeah.

You know who I am? I'm a UN peace keeper, babe.

I'm Boutros Boutros-Ghali Buchman.

-So you cleared it up with Ira? -I did.

We sat down. I was honest and forthright.

I'm an impressive young man.

Why didn't you tell me Allison was gorgeous?

-What? -Allison.

Allison, my boss Allison?

Yeah. She came by and dropped off this tape for you.

She...

This is that penguin footage. This is unbelievable.

Okay. Hold on a second, Boutros.

-What? -Why did you lie to me?

About what?

About the lady from the office?

That's not a lie. That's her. That's true.

Paul, she's stunning.

Boy, do I know you? I know you so well.

Really?

That's exactly why I never said anything about her.

-I knew you'd get upset. -So you lied.

That's not a lie. I was protecting you.

You were protecting me?

If I came home and said, "I got a great new job.

The person I'm working with is a beautiful, gorgeous woman,"

-what would you have said? -You never gave me the chance.

I'll tell you what you'd say.

You'd say, "Why are you telling me this?

Do I need to know that you're working with a beautiful,

gorgeous woman?"

I would like to punch you so hard right now.

Maybe later. First, just tell me I'm wrong.

You are so wrong!

You think I'm so fragile, so vulnerable,

that I'm threatened by an attractive woman?

-I don't. -I am not.

-And I know that. -That's right.

Okay. So you're working late.

You tell me it's you and this lady from the office.

-That's her? -Yes.

That's very interesting.

Ooh, I hate where you're going with this.

Do you know how insulting that is?

-Oh, I'm insulting you? -Excuse me.

Do you think I'm so shallow, so superficial,

I can't work with her without it being sexual?

-Well, I'd hope not. -Thank you.

So why would you lie?

You know what? This is just nutty.

Do you need to hear I'm sorry?

Well, are you?

I'm sorry if you're upset.

You're sorry if I'm upset?

Well, that's great.

I'm gonna go put clothes in the dryer.

-I have to watch this tape. -Good luck.

Explorer Channel.

If they sent a messenger, I wouldn't have these problems.

What's another word for "pillage" that's not so gloomy?

Try "plunder."

You know what's upsetting?

Uh, stepping in gum.

The way he tries to act humble

while he's telling you that you're wrong.

Well, he's the Mayor.

I'm talking about Paul.

-Weren't we finished with that? -We are. We totally are.

He's just so frustrating to argue with.

Jamie, darling, sit down.

It is time you got your mind off of this

and onto something more productive.

Like what?

How about throwing yourself into work?

-And you know what else? -Jamie, listen to me.

Dwelling on this isn't going to help.

Sometimes, you have to let go of your anger

to find mature resolutions to the source of that anger.

Just let it go,

and you'll feel much better.

-I'll try. -Good.

You screwed me out of those tickets for Hello, Dolly!,

and I got over that, right?

-Yeah. -And now I'm fine with it.

You're a bigger person than I am.

That's true.

Oh, by the way, I got four tickets to see Sting,

and you're not invited.

PAUL: You still mad?

Here's the thing.

Sometimes we're right, sometimes we're wrong.

-And, uh... -And?

I got to tell you, it pains me to say it, but...

I just think you're wrong.

-Really? -Yeah.

I was thinking the same thing about you.

Well, the difference is, I'm right.

Ah, well, that is a big difference.

Somehow, in your mind, you've taken this Allison thing

and this gigantic Doug and Didi thing,

And you've made them the same thing.

Not the same thing.

One thing potentially leading to the other thing.

I'm saying it's never going to happen.

And that's what scares me. You can't admit it's possible.

Because that's not a possibility.

It could not happen.

What, twice a week, I'll get up 45 minutes earlier

so I can go grab a quick cappuccino with somebody?

Then I tell you I'm going to work,

but really, I'm going to check into a hotel

under an assumed name?

I'll get the mail first so you don't see the bill?

I'll start showering in the middle of the day

so I don't smell like her when I come home?

Then I'll have long dinners out in Queens,

in someplace where nobody recognizes us.

Then I'll start calling you from her place at night

and say, "Honey, don't wait up for me

because I'm working late with the lady in the office."

Okay. It's possible.

Okay. Thank you.

-What? -Really.

Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear.

Well, there it is. You got it, okay? There it is.

Now you can say the other part.

What other part?

The part you wanted to say before.

-Now it's safe to say that? -I want you to say it.

-How it'll never happen to us? -Yes.

It will never happen to us.

You're right.

It's never going to happen to us.

That's all I was saying in the first place.